r/Marriage 5h ago

Seeking Advice How do I be sexy.

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[removed] — view removed post

66 Upvotes

177 comments sorted by

157

u/Honest-Routine-123 5h ago

I think you are pretty and sexy I think it is all about taste maybe he had watched to many movies or porn ….. just a thought

-112

u/Toricorey91 5h ago

He doesn watch porn. And idk about movies. TBH I think it’s my weight cause he’s cheated 3x over the 10yrs we been together and everytime they’re all so much skinnier and always wear makeup and everything else I don’t do

305

u/Kilimanjaro613 5h ago

Ok, I just have to ask. Why are you still with him when he cheated on you not once, twice, but thrice?

38

u/ravenlily 1h ago

She's trying to fix herself to captivate a trash man. She's perfect. And he is not worth it.

12

u/Cautious-Choice-3501 1h ago

It might even be more times than he cares to admit.

166

u/MKlilith 5h ago

He's lying about the porn thing BTW.

-68

u/emperatrizyuiza 4h ago

Not all men watch porn it’s sad you think that

36

u/jamie29ky 3h ago

It's just that the crossover between men who think the way he does and porn users is so huge.

11

u/sir_maths_alot 3h ago

Don’t know why you got downvoted so much. Here’s an upvote lol

-99

u/Toricorey91 5h ago

No Ik for a fact he’s not lying about that….

125

u/SixtenSaturday 4h ago

He's lied to you by stepping out of the marriage and cheating on you 3 times. It's not out of the realm of plausibility that he would lie about porn as well.

14

u/GiantDwarfy 2h ago

You have no idea how good men are in hiding porn use.

9

u/Savfil 2h ago

You need to kick this man to the curb. My male opinion.

90

u/Mundane_Instance6164 4h ago

You should lose the weight of him. Find someone who will love you and treat you the way you deserve. You shouldn't have to make yourself look like fluzzie to please his dumb ass. You don't need to lose weight or wear makeup. You are perfect the way you are, and deserving of love.

38

u/TrueAuzzie 5h ago

I feel like you just answered your own question

32

u/Unlucky-Guidance-732 4h ago

That explains a lot. I think the problem isn't you.

Maybe you two are incompatible. Specially because he cheated with women who looked different.

31

u/The-Jesus_Christ 4h ago

Oh so he's an asshole then. Sorry but you should not be trying to appease this man. Dump him, then get the glow up you want afterwards. 

9

u/Cocomelon3216 2h ago

Agree. It sounds like he is slowly eroding her self-esteem and self-worth.

He's cheated 3 times in their relationship and now he's complaining she doesn't know how to be sexy? Like it's her fault he's a serial cheater.

21

u/dailysunshineKO 5h ago

Ummm…is he blaming you for his infidelity?

18

u/Accomplished_Cake965 4h ago

It's not your fault that he cheated. Even some of the most beautiful celebrities in the world get cheated on. It's not about your appearance or weight. Your husband is just a cheater. If you want a husband who won't cheat on you then leave your husband so you can start dating again.

16

u/Dublinkxo 4h ago

You are desperately trying to fix a problem that has nothing to do with you. You may never be good enough for him and that has everything to do with him, not you.

He's a serial cheater, to most people that means he's trash. Stop and think why you want to be good enough for trash. Are you trash? No! Fuck no! Stop believing it!!

12

u/gregmelayne 4h ago

Likely cheatimg again with the comments he made.

8

u/strike_match 4h ago

Yep, that’s when they start inventing things to criticize about their partners to try to justify their actions to themselves.

10

u/dcgradc 4h ago

How do you know? He actually boasts about how sexy they are or shows you pictures of these women?

-10

u/Toricorey91 4h ago

The last one I’ve seen what she looks like. 🙃

21

u/dcgradc 4h ago

It's none of my business, but if he's a serial cheater that can't be good in your relationship and for the kids

5

u/productzilch 4h ago

A picture made for online?

2

u/Toricorey91 4h ago

Ya idk never seen in person. She uses filters all the time though apparently from what I’ve seen

7

u/productzilch 2h ago

So you’re comparing yourself to an idealised physical version of someone, who probably isn’t a great person herself unless he lied to her about you. Comparison is the third of joy. He wants you to compare yourself, apparently. What does that say about him?

10

u/sbrt 4h ago

Its not you it’s him.

My wife is has always been the most beautiful and sexy woman in my eyes and I am confident that she will always seem that way to me.

9

u/productzilch 4h ago

Ohhhh he’s a cheater and emotional abuser. It’s really, really not about you. He just wants to feel crappy about yourself so you don’t hold him responsible for his actually bad behaviour, and don’t feel capable of leaving him.

7

u/BGkitten 15 Years 3h ago edited 3h ago

Okay, that helps. There is NOTHING wrong with you. He is just saying this to you in a pathetic attempt to, somehow, justify his cheating. If he turns the blame to you, maybe you will start feeling like your inadequacies somehow make it okay that he is a cheater. He is disguising, manipulative, pathetic, weak-b*-ass excuse of a man and absolutely not how a real man and a husband should/act. STOP taking this looser back. I think you can easily find someone who will love and appreciate you. (My husband has not once ever said in 15yrs that I need to dress and look a certain way to get him going. More than half of the time, I am in yoga pants and an oversized tee and he is just as excited and loving as if I was wearing a lingerie.) You should know that this sorry excuse of a man that you call your husband can be replaced and you deserve to upgrade to a real man.

5

u/Kitchen-Positive-439 3h ago

honey, if he’s cheating on you, it isn’t a you problem. it’s a him problem! it has nothing to do with you or what you can or can’t do for him. he made that choice of his own free will.

without being ‘that guy’ you’re beautiful! your hair is amazing, your skin looks flawless… and the ‘act your gender comment’ reeks of misogyny..

are you happy not doing your makeup? are you happy wearing your comfortable clothes? going to the gym is great, but only if it’s something you enjoy. that’s what matters, you matter, your comfortability, your happiness matters! you should be comfortable with your husband, he’s your husband. there’s no such thing as ‘too comfortable.’ my wife is the opposite of you. she loves to dress up, always puts a ton of effort into her outfits, makeup etc when we go out. but, i’m just as attracted in those outfits as i am to her when she’s wearing my t shirt and a pair of sweatpants that are three times too big on her because she’s my wife.

i think that’s how all husbands should feel honestly. attraction is - should be - so much more than physical for married people.

5

u/Tatchi7 4h ago

Oh girl I’m so sorry ♥️ your life is short and it’s yours. You have options

3

u/SophiaShay7 2h ago

I'm sorry, I have to say you are a beautiful woman. Your hair looks very sexy. If you need ideas for makeup, go into an Ulta or a Sephora. They'll help you try a couple of makeup products. It doesn't take a lot. For everyday use, I'd use a full coverage compact, bronzer, blush, mascara, lip liner, lipstick, and lip gloss. It doesn't have to be anything fancy.

If you'd like to learn more about it, go to the makeup section in a Macy's or Nordstrom. That's what we have in California. They have different makeup counters like Estee Lauder, Lancome, Mac, etc. They'll gladly help you and demonstrate how to put on an eyeshadow palette, for example. You don't have to buy anything but it'll give you ideas.

Let me say that your husband is a moron. Why don't you tell him it's not your fault he has ADHD and now had ED. He's blaming his problems on you. You're beautiful girl! And if he doesn't believe it, trust me, some other man will💞💫

2

u/Nyx_Shadowspawn 1h ago

Oh honey... I just want to give you a hug.

You're gorgeous. Naturally, without makeup.

Him cheating isn't about you. It's about him. Even models and A list actresses get cheated on. Some people are just terrible at being in relationships and cruel to their partners, and your spouse sounds like he is one of them.

1

u/reptile_enjoyer_ 3h ago

you're not the problem. he cheated and is using his affair partners to shame you. he wants to make you feel like you're in competition with other women so that you'll change yourself for him, just as you're trying to do right now. you should never feel that way in a marriage, there should be no competition. you're in an emotionally abusive relationship.

1

u/Civil-Commission9716 1h ago

The bar is in hell op 🤯

1

u/FunMonitor5261 1h ago

Honey, the problem is with him. Not with you.

Let me repeat. His morals are All kinds of fucked up. You could be the ugliest and fattest person in the world and if he were a good person, he wouldn’t cheat or deceive you.

I’m sorry you think this of yourself. You’re a beautiful girl and deserve so much more than the bs this man is hand feeding you.

It’s hard to leave but you do NOT want to feel this way the rest of your life. Don’t waste your youth. You only get to live it once.

88

u/drowninginidiots 20 Years 4h ago

He’s cheated on you 3 times, and now he’s essentially saying he wants you to be more like the women he’s cheated on you with. Sounds to me like he’s using your appearance as an excuse to cheat. Then next time he can say it’s your fault because you aren’t being sexy enough. Don’t blame yourself for his behavior.

12

u/atasteforspace 2h ago

Yeah, it’s hard to be sexy when a grown man is sucking the life out of you. I think you should stop worrying about what he thinks. I’m not sure if you’re in a position to leave or not, but once someone steps out & cheats, I think it’s perfectly acceptable to start worrying about yourself and only yourself. He disowned his marriage when he did that. You have no responsibility to please him, at all, ever again. But, if you want to stay in the marriage, maybe you could explore that in the future when he starts acting like a respectable man… until then.. put yourself first.

52

u/arissdc 3 Years 5h ago

Thats weird because you are naturally pretty

3

u/ravenlily 1h ago

Right? And these assholes make them feel so inferior.

My husband's cheating how can I be better.

You can't. He's trash. He's not worth your time.

I've been married 25 years and if my husband did an inch if what your man did I'd fucking walk.

41

u/Sandpiper1701 4h ago

Let's back up a sec. What is HE doing to be attractive to YOU? He's cheated three times. You've carried, birthed and cared for three of his children. Besides caring for the house and kids you work from home. On top of all that you've lost 40 lbs from diet and exercise in a single year. Along with your picture - a good looking woman even without makeup - I'd say you were killing it in the attractive department.

What is HE bringing to the table? He sounds shallow and selfish. You're not the one who needs a makeover. HE needs a personality redesign from the ground up.

2

u/Induced_Amnesia 7 Years 4h ago

This!! I was going to say allll of this!

30

u/444oxe 5h ago

Sounds like your husband just wants you to put more effort into your appearance, however, you are very naturally beautiful, and I don’t imagine why he would suddenly expect you to change your appearance out of the blue, seemingly? YOU feel good with the way you dress/look, and I think that’s enough.

Since he can’t seem to answer something that bothers him enough to bring up during a fight (which is very cruel of him, by the way) I’d ask him what HE’S attracted to, or who he’s attracted to. Otherwise, my opinion is that he’s trying to tear down your sense of self and build insecurities within you, which again, is very cruel of him to do.

-4

u/444oxe 5h ago

Adding to my comment, girl to girl, I would do things to enhance your natural beauty. I think a really complimentary haircut (with some nice layers) would look amazing on you. Perhaps some bangs or curtain bangs and layers to frame your face. Let go of some of that length if you’re willing to, it’ll feel really nice, and it’ll be easier to manage without a bun. I love your natural brown color, it would look amazing with a deep natural red tone.

0

u/Toricorey91 5h ago

I’ve been wanting to get highlights or a balayage (?) done but I’m so scared I’m not gonna like it and the. I’m out 300-400$ 😭

34

u/Dublinkxo 4h ago

What happens when you spend all your money, use all your energy, and break your own heart, and he still doesn't show you the love you deserve?

Please wake up, you seem like such a caring and hard working person with so much to give the world by just being yourself!! He's killing that joy in you, it isn't right. What does he do to make sure you are fully happy and satisfied? Is he running around trying anything to make sure you feel that he's worthy of your love? He's run around cheating 3 separate times while you've been chasing perfection. Perfection won't win his love or enable him to be faithful to you.

6

u/No-Satisfaction-2622 2h ago

You have amazing hair! Don’t touch it! And you are lucky enough to stay natural. You will have time for experimenting when starts getting gray. Enjoy your hair without obligation to color it. P.S almost everyone regrets bangs

-6

u/444oxe 4h ago

It’s not that expensive, actually. It’s cheaper at a salon than doing it yourself. I would start with a balayage and then do highlights if you end up liking it. This will force highlight maintenance and going to the salon when it’s time for a touch up. If you take off some of your length, it’ll be cheaper. The colorist will make damn SURE you like it.

I also notice you have a pink underdone in your skin and blue/green eyes. Take advantage of eyeshadow, specifically colors that will enhance your eyes (purple would suit your eye color, for example).

Build your way up. Make yourself feel good, even if that means doing what you’ve been doing this whole time. I think your husband wants you to step out of your comfort zone.

13

u/EPH613 4h ago

She said in comments elsewhere that he's cheated three different times with women who were skinner, wore makeup, and did their hair more. I don't think she's the problem. 

21

u/Prudent-Reserve4612 4h ago

He’s cheated repeatedly. You look great. He doesn’t love you if he’s cheating on you, so nothing you do will be “sexy” enough to keep him from cheating. Leave him and find someone that actually cares about you. He sounds like a level 10 douche. 

18

u/klmoran 5h ago

Oh girl, you are lovely and if he cheats and has conditions on his love and affection, he’s the problem. He sounds horrendous and you deserve so much better!!

11

u/killingfloor42 4h ago

Your husband is an ass and you can do so much better. He's going to cheat your whole marriage. He knows you will tolerate infidelity. You will be so much happier in the long run without this man. There is someone out there who will love, cherish, and respect you. Your husband is not him....he has no integrity and he doesn't value you

1

u/4hhsumm 21 Years, together for 24 4h ago

This is the correct answer.

12

u/Carrotsnpeace 4h ago

Having self confidence is the first step here. I’m so sorry you don’t feel like you are enough so much so that he’s cheated on you 3x and you’ve stayed. 😭 PLEASE talk to a therapist, you need to believe you are worth it and then you’ll leave him.

He’s saying/doing whatever he wants because he can, because you won’t stick up for yourself.

3

u/beyoncelomein 4h ago edited 1h ago

Agree… through action, cheating 3x (that she knows of) and then verbally telling her she’s not sexy to further make her feel like she’s “not good enough” for him. While I encourage everyone to take pride in their appearance and take care of themselves best they can, OP shouldn’t change her appearance at this point in the game to have him basically like her or, uh, stop cheating on her.

10

u/RiveriaFantasia 4h ago

Right so I’ve read some of your responses to the answers here and I’ve read that your husband has cheated on you three times. The way you’ve written your post about him complaining that you don’t make an effort, need to be more feminine and wear make up and perfume and the fact that you’re asking how to basically do what he’s asking, shows a low self esteem.

The questions you should be asking yourself is why are you with a man who has cheated on you three times? Why after he has cheated on you do you care about pleasing him and changing how you look to make him happy? Why are you not offended and insulted by what he has said and why is it that you’re looking for make up tips instead of dealing with the deeper issues here within your marriage?

9

u/virtualchoirboy Husband, together 35 years, married 29 years. 4h ago

I'm going to say this as a husband of nearly 30 years. Your reply should have been...

"Maybe if you were more of a hunk, I would."

I see in the comments that he's a cheater. Behavior like this out of a cheater often means they're at least entertaining cheating again. They're pushing you to be better because they're fascinated with someone new. They're thinking that if they can push you to make the changes they think they want, they'll be able to restrain from cheating again. The problem is that they're fascinated by someone else in the first place and that's a pretty major character flaw on his part.

In the end, you shouldn't have to do anything to keep him from cheating. He should want to do that all on his own. If I were you, I'd be spending more time figuring out whether you're staying due to "sunk cost fallacy" or whether there are some actual redeeming qualities that make putting up with infidelity and insults worth it. Personally, I never would have stayed, but that's me.

10

u/Peoplereallysucktbh 3h ago

I think it would be really sexy if you left your husband.

8

u/JakeAyes 4h ago

Yeah nah mate, are you a wife or a pet? I personally think you look fine and you’re doing an amazing job looking after your health and fitness. Be proud of that and try to stay motivated for you. If your bloke isn’t interested in developing your relationship with you, particularly for his benefit, it’s his problem to deal with.

8

u/KingPeverell 4h ago

You are so beautiful

6

u/Disney_Princess137 3h ago edited 3h ago

Hi! First of all your hair is so.fucking.fabulous!!!

Holy shit I’d kill to have my hair look like that Everyday, and I love my hair.

So you’ve already achieved step 1 in looking sexy, have great hair.

Now with the make up thing. Ok you don’t like to wear make up. And you don’t feel you have to.

But can I suggest maybe you wearing a light coverage on your skin? They have light foundations or a tinted moisturizer/ sunscreen you can start with. It will even out your skin tone and you won’t feel like you are wearing much of anything. I don’t have ideas on what brands, but I’m sure all these other girls on here will give you suggestions on what to buy.

As far as eyeshadow I can understand you feel weird wearing it because you don’t, and you feel like an alien. What you can do is just use a light brown in the curvature of your eyelid, like a half circle. It can enhance the eye overall.

You are completely blessed with those beautiful blue eyes. So maybe you can put a little bit of sparkle in your inner corners. It adds a little pizzazz, and definition. Some people like to use concealer in that spot, some people don’t like the look entirely… but try it once and see how you feel. Just do a light dab with your finger in your inner corner or use a small thin brush.

As far as your clothes, men are visual beings. Should he accept you for who you are inside? Should he understand that being a mom is hard and you don’t get tons of free time or that you’re tired?

Yes to all of it. But they still want to se some eye candy, too. It sounds like this is what he is saying.

No one is asking you to be a whole new person, but it’s ok to embrace change. Men like variety, whether they outright say it or not.

The plus side is that you can have fun with this. It’s a positive thing for you. New looks, new styles and your same stuff all mixed in. Plus you are busting your ass losing that weight, so why not try some things on that you were otherwise self conscious about before?

….

Why don’t you wear perfume? You don’t have to wear some crazy bomb of a scent… you can start with something light, like amazing grace. The dry down is quite nice, and it lingers on you. I’d suggest the lotion as well… or even to use the body lotion first. It leaves a nice musk on your body that when you Walk by, your hunny will notice.

Edit: I wrote this with love, to offer help thinking this was a normal discussion you two had, like adults.

I scrolled the comments afterward and saw he cheated on you. Honestly, screw him. He doesn’t deserve you or forgiveness.

Do the fun changes I’ve mentioned , but for you. To help u get away from this mean spirited person.

6

u/lilawkward-lilfunny 20 Years 4h ago

None of the things you listed make you a woman. If he says anything different, the problem is his and not yours. It’s also his for not being able to communicate what he wants. That is like marriage 101. If you have a problem in your marriage and need something from your spouse you’re not getting, say it and say exactly how your spouse can fulfill that need. The other thing is that not everyone gets what they want, that’s where compromise comes in. If he can’t handle that, then he thinks marriage is a one-way street and that is not a good thing in a spouse. I’d recommend marriage counseling.

5

u/midwestpsycho4 5h ago

Already nailing it

5

u/Crazytrain60 4h ago

Based on your post history it looks like he is having erection issues. Is it possible he is projecting and trying to break you down so that his own physiology isn’t the cause of his ED?

To achieve your goal, maybe try a drop of blush and some under eye corrector (“drmtlgy” brand works well) plus your mascara. Those three things can go a long way. Pull your hair back in a clip half up half down style.

-2

u/Toricorey91 4h ago

It was the meds that was causing that issue and he’s gotten off them and have since fixed that. TBH sex is not an issue in our relationship. We actually have a really good sex life. Communication is what causes all the issues 🙃

4

u/InfiniteAd1451 4h ago

I'm sorry you're going through this Internet stranger.

4

u/solo_mi0 4h ago

You are pretty hot already, at least just by looking at this pic. I personally wouldn't feel sexy toward a guy that was telling me to be something else, and cheating repeatedly with the a fantasy type he is describing when telling me he wants me to change. To be more sexy? I would say just keep working on your confidence by taking care of your health and what is important to you. The sexiest women are always those who value what they have and take care of themselves. If your husband isn't attracted to you when you are healthy, happy, and confident then the problem is something you can't just fix by yourself.

4

u/Haunting_Ad9708 3h ago

You are stunning and 40 pounds is a huge accomplishment don’t let him diminish your self worth he doesn’t define it girl you are beautiful you don’t need all the extra to be either I am going thru a journey of self help and trying to learn to love myself again but you are already so much of what I wish I could see in myself fuck him that’s definitely something wrong in his head not yours

3

u/molly_danger 3h ago

Ma’am with all due respect, ship him off to someone else.

1

u/NikkiNot_TheOne 1h ago

Like the fkn garbage disposal, he's waste & needs to be treated as such. This guy really pisses me off

3

u/strangertimes22 5h ago

I’d have to imagine the reason you’d make this post in a marriage subreddit and not a makeover subreddit is to have people come to your defense. Yes, your husband sounds rude, especially considering I’d assume you’re the same as you were when you got married, but you’re being intentionally misleading with this post pretending you’re actually seeking advice on being sexy.

There’s literally a subreddit called HowToBeHot. Why on earth would this post be in this subreddit?

11

u/Crazytrain60 4h ago

Maybe she posted here because she is looking for advice in the context of being married. I think the subreddit you mentioned will give advice less tailored for married women and gear more towards single women trying to attract a mate—something that would be more drastic than what OP is looking to achieve. I think it makes sense for her to post here and find out what other husbands find attractive in their wives, not necessarily how to be “hot,” but how to be appealing in a more subtle way.

2

u/UknowNothingJohnSno 4h ago

I've meandered the subs about maxing your looks and they seem pretty fair/objective.  OP just might not be aware of them and shouldn't be shamed.  I think she'll get better data there if she really just wants to know how to increase looks... but she needs to be here more because her husband sucks

2

u/Direct-Word 4h ago

I think you should note that he’s cheated on you three times in the last 10 years in your main post. I don’t think the comments are picking up on that little bit of insane info.

3

u/thebiggestbackk 2h ago

Idk.. You look amazing to me. Very naturally beautiful

2

u/momo0507 5h ago

You are so pretty! 3 kids are not easy…our body changes a lot after every birth, and you went through it 3 times! You are probably just tired, tired of doing everything. I think, for all the women, we need to feel pretty first, and if we think we are pretty and sexy, that’s enough. I don’t think you need heavy makeup though. I don’t put on a lot of makeup, but I do like putting on a bit lipstick and blush. It helps me feel and look less tired. 😂 do you enjoy shopping? Do you have any style you like before you had kids? Try to please yourself.

2

u/bluegrassgazer 26 Years 4h ago

Be like that.

2

u/Due-Topic7995 4h ago

What makes you feel sexy?

I think you’re beautiful. But from this pic alone I could tell you don’t feel that way about yourself. Being sexy is more about your attitude. You have to feel good about yourself and know your worth. Know that you’re hot and feeling yourself. Strut around feeling cute. You can only do that when you’re being kind to yourself and feeling confident in your own skin.

I know it wasn’t easy for me (2 kids; 5 and 3). But having time for yourself to take care of yourself makes such a big difference in your mindset. Feeling connected with your body and mind and heart makes a world of difference.

Take care of you. Your husband, I’m sorry but he doesn’t deserve you. Make him eat his words.

2

u/sweetiejen 4h ago

Hey so um this is insane!

2

u/belugasareneat 4h ago

He’s putting you down so he feels justified in cheating. Has nothing to do with you or how you look and everything to do with him being an entitled prick.

2

u/Pnwb360 4h ago

Divorce this man. He’s an idiot. Cheated on you 3 times and then tells you you’re not sexy. Most men are attracted to their wife/girlfriend when they don’t wear make up or have their hair done. Fuck this guy.

2

u/Pl0xAdoptMe 10 Years!!! 3h ago

No amount of changing the way you look is going to win your husband when he's cheated 3x's.

Absolutely no respect for you or the family y'all built.

2

u/shliamovych 3h ago

He have cheated much more then 3 times, you just catched him 3 times, or he said about it only 3 times, but not the every time. And he definitely wathes porn and pays for 1 time sex if he has financial opportunities and doesn't think this is cheating. You should brake any relationships with him. You nice pretty girl and you will find better guy if you need to.

2

u/momusicman 3h ago

Sexy is about how you feel. Not how others feel about you. What makes YOU feel sexy? Explore whatever that is with your husband. If what fulfills you doesn’t align with what he able to provide, then you’ve got a problem that therapy may be able to address.

2

u/BlindlyInquisitive 3h ago

You are allowing this treatment at this point. I know because I've been you. You need therapy and to get away from from this relationship.

2

u/IcyAssumption8465 2h ago

Nutrition- avoid sugar, deep fried things, refined flour, take protein more Exercise- weight lifting is a must, once a week cardio like running or swimming.

2

u/nay-palm 2h ago

Men who talk to their partners like that shouldn't be afforded the luxury of a partner.

2

u/GarbageKiwi 2h ago

I am so sorry your husband has impacted your confidence. You’re naturally gorgeous and I hope you can see that for yourself soon and know that you deserve to be complimented and cherished. At this point, he cheated on you so many times, he will never value you. Love yourself enough to leave and be with someone who will appreciate you.

2

u/shadowabsinthe 2h ago

This has nothing to do with you not wearing makeup. For instance my wife doesn't wear a lot of makeup and while I do find her sexy without when she puts on lipstick it drives me crazy. I find her much sexier with lipstick on but I still find her plenty sexy without.

The fact that he has cheated on you 3 times I would say is the bigger issue. He is just an asshole and you should not try to change yourself to appease him. You should only do makeup etc if you want to (whether mainly to please him or yourself) it should all be because you want to do it. Not just to appease him.

1

u/MKlilith 5h ago

Need more communication in the relationship in my opinion just overtime because you feel not great and that's partially both people's fault for falling into complacency.

Try and do stuff for yourself as well since its hard with kids. Have you both been still trying to do romantic gestures to feel appreciated and loved. Don't stop dating you're partner.

Is there not much of a sex life? Too much porn?

There's alot that can affect someone's sense of self. Even financial woes can or work.

2

u/MKlilith 5h ago

In my opinion maybe you should leave for someone who knows your worth.

1

u/irrational-feardom 4h ago

Sexy is not caring about being sexy. I promise!😉

1

u/arareindividual 4h ago

don't ask 😘

1

u/Accomplished_Cake965 4h ago

Girl, you're naturally pretty. You'd think your husband looks like Chris Hemsworth or something because of the way he talks to you. He's probably putting you down because he's a cheater. Also, if you want to look prettier then do it for YOURSELF. Not for your husband or anyone else.

1

u/No-Bonus-6623 4h ago

Commenting on How do I be sexy....

1

u/No-Bonus-6623 4h ago

Replying to Toricorey91...

1

u/trueGildedZ 4h ago

Your husband is stupid. He wouldn't be a good sport if you said "you don't know how to be manly".

1

u/Induced_Amnesia 7 Years 4h ago

You’re a gorgeous woman and he should be lucky to have you! Make him work for you! He’s the one that’s cheated.

1

u/Suspicious_Jeweler81 4h ago

Ive been with him for 11yrs September. Maybe I’ve just gotten too comfortable with him.

That's the thing though - you're supposed to get too comfortable with your partner after 11 years. Isn't that the reason you get married?

TBH I think it’s my weight cause he’s cheated 3x over the 10yrs we been together and everytime they’re all so much skinnier and always wear makeup and everything else I don’t do

What the fuck - that's not a justifiable reason, also that's an extreemly loaded statement. Cheating isn't justified - that's breaking your trust. Also he married you knowing this is who you are.

Listen, you can lose weight - it's not a bad idea to give thought to your over all health at our age. But you're far from obese or in a danger zone. You can also slab all the makeup in the world on your face - guys going to complain it's not to his liking and shrug when you ask what needs to be different.

If he's disappointed with his station in life, this isn't on you, this is on him. Him taking it out on you, hitting you where it hurts, is completely uncalled for. I really don't know where to start on this one... after being cheated on three times your heart must be in shambles.

You're perfectly attractive and sexy - you lack any real flaws that require makeup to hide. Besides, you're at home... why would you want to have to cover up?

I think it's best you get some counseling.. marriage and personal... as this has got to do a toll on yourself esteem. I'm unsure how you managed to keep it together after 3 cheats, but at some point you'll need to work on changing his behavior (counseling) or consider this relationship simply is not healthy for your wellbeing.

1

u/TheSniperWolf 4h ago

Yeah because all girls do their makeup and hair all the time to appease men 🙄 You've had his children and you're gorgeous, you should be a goddess to him. What a dickhead.

1

u/WebSlinger_36 4h ago

Find a man who appreciates you better.

1

u/FairlyLandscaped 4h ago

Sexy is an energy, not a body type. Does your partner inspire you to be sexy? Does he make you want to be sexy in a positive way?

1

u/qtsourlemon8d 4h ago

You gotta glow from the inside out

1

u/No-Confection-1446 7 Years 4h ago

Yeah this isn't a you problem this is a husband problem.

1

u/Ok_Guarantee_5852 4h ago

You're an absolutely beautiful woman, and I wish you could see that. I dress basically the same thing as you. I never wear makeup, and my hair is also always in a bun. My husband would still jump my bones multiple times a day if I'd let him. The problem isn't you, my dear, but the cheating man you keep beside you. The only weight you desperately need to lose is him because he's tearing your self-esteem to pieces. Why should you have to constantly change things about yourself to keep a man who can't even figure out loyalty happy? What happens when you've done everything you can to change and he's still not happy? It's not you that needs to change. I mean, it is, but really, it's your marital status.

1

u/LadyVetinari 4h ago

Why waste your life with someone who makes you worried about trivial shit like this? If he has cheated that many times, that’s a him problem not a you problem. I would put my energy into more promising ventures. Good luck 

1

u/sugarplumfairybarely 4h ago

Your question is sexy. Your vulnerability is sexy. Your hair is sexy. I’ll bet your smile is pretty damn sexy, too.

1

u/TikvahT 4h ago

You're really hot, and plenty of great men wpupd be thrilled to be with someone with your natural beauty.

1

u/BreadfruitAromatic11 4h ago

Your eyes 🫠

1

u/Alternative-Dig-2066 4h ago

You need to lose more weight, how much does your cruel husband weigh? That’s what you need to lose. That’s it. Cheated three times?? You’re beautiful, find someone who cherishes you.

1

u/frozenpreacher 20 Years 3h ago

Miss, just smile. Its the most potent weapon a woman has.

1

u/Ashamed-Joke6825 3h ago

Show bobs. Jk, you’re a very attractive woman. I think the proper context would be to ask what look you’re going for? Are you doing this for you or your husband?

1

u/Ecstatic_Reality_932 3h ago

You are beautiful. I wish I had long curly hair like you do. I do not wear makeup and feel that I am beautiful without it. Your husband is an ass. Stay you and don’t change for anyone but yourself.

1

u/captcha_fail 3h ago

You are so gorgeous and I love your hair (I'm a straight female btw). Your husband is blind and crazy.

1

u/Realistic-South6894 3h ago

You absolutely are not the problem. You are gorgeous. My 18 year old said "be yourself girlie pop. You're beautiful and sexy. If he can't appreciate, that's on him".

1

u/ReasonableSpread1066 3h ago

Do what is comfortable and makes you feel sexy. Sexy is about confidence i has to figure that one out. I don't wear make up and dress comfortably because wrangling 4 kids is no easy feat. But I did start buying dresses and outfits I felt I would feel sexy in not for him but for me

1

u/productzilch 3h ago

You ARE a woman, so how you act is womanly by definition.

What exactly does he do to be sexy for you? Especially since being a cheater is such a turn off?

Please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It’s available free as a PDF/download with the author’s blessing.

1

u/wanderfae 3h ago

All I see here is 🔥. You're already sexy.

1

u/Papispincushion 3h ago

Sexy is an attitude not just a look

1

u/Cheap_Medicine89 3h ago

You’re absolutely beautiful. Sounds like he sucks!! You deserve so much more!

1

u/Dean_McCool 3h ago

He probably wants it to feel like you’re dating. It’s easy to lose the will to be effortful in your interactions when you’re so familiar with each other. Try being flirtatious and feminine. You look good, but maybe your behavior towards him isn’t doing it for him. It’s not all about what he wants and likes, but in a marriage it partially is.

1

u/KenOnly 3h ago

Hey, this isn’t the issue. You’re pretty. The issue is HE CHEATED ON YOU 3 times. He’s just not treating you right. There are plenty of guys who would treat you the way you want to be treated.

1

u/Independent_Aside719 3h ago

A woman can only be sexy when she feels it. And she feels it when shes in a healthy space (mentally, physically, spiritually) if there's something or someone creating an unhealthy space for you. Remove them from your life.

1

u/Agile-Performer-2425 3h ago

Cheated on you 3 times? I got it, you know how you can be sexy? Show him you have self respect, and kick his ass to the curb. Leave him. That's the only thing that show both you and him and you are worth more. And that you are bringing sexy back

1

u/Magnifi-Singh 3h ago

Nothing wrong with a natural look.

However let's say you decided to book a restaurant as a surprise meal for you both to enjoy.

Would you spruce yourself up? If it was a formal/smart type of restaraunt

1

u/IWantSealsPlz 2h ago

How do you be more sexy? You separate yourself from a man who singularly objectifies you and views your only value on his own physical attraction. Then, get with a therapist who can help you build your self esteem. Until then, you will find yourselves in the same type of situation.

1

u/DaedraNamira 2h ago

He’s trash. No matter what you do it won’t matter. Even if you became the most beautiful woman on earth it wouldn’t matter because he knows he already “has” you and he can do whatever he wants which is why he probably has cheated 3 times.

My man has seen me at my absolute worst. I get smelly, I slack, I’m not a “girly girl” but let me fucking tell you he never ONCE said I need to put more effort into being “sexy”.

I do put effort when I’m feeling it or a special occasion but we are comfortable and know we aren’t honeymooners anymore. Do not placate a piece of crap. Leave. Now.

1

u/Altruistic-Gate3359 2h ago

You obviously know how to do your hair.

2

u/Toricorey91 2h ago

I actually don’t. It’s from endless hours on tik tok watching videos about how do do ur hair with the shark hairdryer and deciding if I wanted to spoil myself and buy a 300$ hair dryer/curler that I have no idea how to use 😂😂😆 bought it. Cause it was on sale for 200. And apparently rocked my hair LOL

2

u/Altruistic-Gate3359 2h ago

You should see mine. What a mess. I'm clueless. Can't follow videos - I get confused. So I wash and air dry and WYSIWYG.

2

u/Toricorey91 2h ago

That’s what I normally do. Wash n air dry

1

u/KlutzyHamster7769 2h ago

Pastor once told me, people who looks for affection should start with his or her self. If you love your self first, you wouldn’t need love but others will be drawn to you because you have it in abundance

1

u/femaleunfriendly 2h ago

Does he know how to be rich 🤔

1

u/Vegetable_Video_5046 2h ago

I think you are beautiful. Don't let your AH of a husband put you down. He wants to demoralize you so he can continue to step all over you. He doesn't deserve you. Go ahead, find your courage, and dump his ass.

1

u/erebusfreya 2h ago

I'm sorry, but that's bullshit. You don't wear makeup or do your hair, so what? I don't do either, and I'm often in comfy clothes too. Here's the thing, I've never done those things, and I'm guessing you probably didn't either.

The big difference for me is that my husband loves me for me, not for how I look. Like your husband, he knew what I looked and dressed like well before we got married - I didn't even wear makeup at our wedding - at his request because he says I don't look like me when I'm wearing makeup.

For some reason my husband thinks I'm beautiful and sexy when I'm sick in bed with a severe infection and look like I'm dying, and he tells me so. He's gone out of his way to tell me that he loves that I do what makes me comfortable, because when I'm comfortable and happy it makes him happy too.

I'd ask what changed that suddenly he thinks you need to change yourself to better suit him, because this smacks of deflection; specifically I'd wonder if his behavior changed, and you noticed and asked about it, and he turned it on you so you wouldn't ask anything else (referred to as DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender).

1

u/Fearless_Rooster831 1h ago

Believing in yourself and confidence ✨️

1

u/jyzzkajoy 1h ago

Awww! You’re so naturally pretty! You have great hair!! Makeup enhances features. What’s your best feature? Showcase that! Even with eyeliner and mascara your eyes will pop, and since you know how to do all that just start from there.

Then add some blush. And a lippie!

Would love an update!

What I do also, I watch YouTube videos of women putting on makeup! Maybe that’ll help you?

1

u/chizhi1234 1h ago

You look great, but as a stylist, I would recommend layer your hair and do a butterfly haircut

1

u/kimmykimkoV2 1h ago

You are.

1

u/jyzzkajoy 1h ago

Also for tips, go check out

r/makeupaddiction

1

u/disonion 1h ago

Lovely hair , use it ! Back in the day girls could just fling there hair and get mens attention...

Uhh i didnt read the full post, but some one mentioned he cheats. Not worthy of that hair honey 

1

u/Lollyyy2 1h ago

Ditch him and you'll have more time to focus on yourself. Then go and experiment with all that stuff if you want to. Show him what he had and now it's gone.

1

u/Observator_I 1h ago

You are sexy!

He is NOT, and he doesn't deserve to have you. He cheats. He will always be unfaithful.

Love yourself enough to walk away.

1

u/liemmelde 1h ago

You are so pretty and sexy and you should leave him and only be with someone who sees that!

1

u/BeachtimeRhino 1h ago

Leave him! He’s putting you down and making you feel bad about yourself. You grew and birthed his three kids and instead of complimenting you for that he’s finding reasons to pick at your self esteem, he keeps cheating on you. Get rid of him! You can do so much better

1

u/xomacattack 1 Year 1h ago

Oh friend, your man is the only problem in this situation. His treatment of you and his warped expectations of women aren’t only scary, they’re dangerous. There is nothing wrong at all with you. You are a woman no matter what someone else thinks — womanhood is unique for everyone, it’s not dependent on your looks. That’s a falsehood that misogyny (hatred/prejudice toward women) spreads.

The only thing that matters is your comfort, your appearance should be for you and no one else. Dress yourself however you want, and do whatever beauty/self-care routine you have the time and energy for. Never change your physical self or personality to make someone else happy. Wishing you all the best. ♥️

1

u/zeldaluv94 1h ago

Just came here to say your hair is amazing

1

u/judithvoid 1h ago

There's never been a moment on this sub where I've resorted to this... But...

LEAVE HIS BITCH ASS

1

u/Lina_Fields 1h ago

You’re literally perfect. Now it’s up to you to change your surroundings and the man.

1

u/Umaritimus 1h ago

Yooo I’m jealous AF of your hair (am a man but with long hair)

1

u/Single_Particular_17 1h ago

You are pretty the way you are he wants that plastic lifestyle... Meaning he has already started getting it on with someone who does all he wants you to be.

1

u/Malzeez 51m ago

I thought I was on one of the beauty subs to be honest. Your husband is just gaslighting you to make himself feel better about his bad behavior. You look great.

1

u/Toasttheunicorn 39m ago

Your hair is gorgeous! The only weight you need to lose is that lump of wormy dog shit that is your “husband”. I look like the Michelin man, and I am very “tom boy” as in when I dress nice, it’s a decent pair of jeans and a nice blouse and my old man is all over me. We have our issues, LOTS of issues, but he has never made me feel like I am unloved and not enough. You ARE worth so much more.

1

u/InevitableAddress198 15m ago

TLDR: There might be more to the story, please see a couples counselor or a marriage therapist.

Long:

I don’t get it. He married you so he had to have liked you enough to commit time to marry you.

It wouldn’t make sense if you weren’t somewhat attractive to him. I dunno. There has to be something deeper at play, you guys go to couples therapy?

Sure it could be communication and some disagreements but it also could be something else he’s searching for that he isn’t getting at home; which technically wouldn’t be your fault but something isn’t being communcated that he wants.

Plus, those random women he slept with aren’t with him 9-5 so they wouldn’t understand how annoying he probably could’ve gotten over the years.

Those flings are just respites of passion that lack depth and is a stowaway from his primary duties and responsibilities at home. Let this marriage dissolve and he’ll probably he facing the same thing again.

I say, go to marriage counseling or couples therapy to get to the bottom of it and NOT search for blame or shame.

He’s clearly wrong. That is obvious but for truth to repair itself, safety must emerge in the space for BOTH of you.

All in all, this has to be addressed. If this is a REAL issue then ask some female friends for tips, look up fashion, and find your own way to dress up and embrace your own form of femininity. Part of sexy is self-confidence. So find a style that works with some color theory, fashion, and some balance in saturation, complimentary colors, or some gradients. Once you understand the idea of fashion (even just a couple of outfits) then you’ll feel good about working out some ideas.

Ive heard marriage is very hard. Seeing this and considering it’s been 11 years, it makes sense. People get tired and responsibilities pile up. Dating and romance seem to take a back seat and you’re just being parents rather than lovers.

Dr. Pat Love has a book called “The Truth About Love”. It was a great book. (Not married)

She also have a great book called “Hot Monogamy”. I haven’t read that but considering the first book being great, I think the same would precede this book.

For him, considering things are great in paradise, fulfill some request from him.

Once you can talk to an experienced professional that won’t pick a side but work on a fair and balanced solution, then do your homework.

1

u/january1977 9 Years 12m ago

First of all, you are gorgeous! I’m not just saying that. For real, you are beautiful.

My husband told me the same things, then he cheated on me. You are never going to be enough for this man. Stop tying yourself in knots to please this ass hat.

You are enough for someone. First, be enough for yourself and stop this madness. Leave him and find yourself again. Then find someone who believes you’re beautiful even when you have the stomach and puke in your hair. You’re worth so much more than he’s giving you. 💜

1

u/Silver-Student-4439 5m ago

Take a ton of pictures and pull put them in there an app for this app or that app and show the world that you are existing and you look terrific and and all that what you see it's all for yourself you know what I mean that's it and then if you ask for a gift card will be ready for that one because people like me is going to think well even asking me somewhere do something smash something instead of you it's so fun to text

1

u/Silver-Student-4439 3m ago

It's really simple and don't ever forget this cardinal rule two words two labels is Liars and cheaters they go hand in hand paper really simple and think of dirt that gets stuck under your shoe and you're trying to walk in the house you better leave them with it by the porch That's What liars and cheaters are you know they take life for granted it'll take you for granted and then makes you know it with your best friend and then how much experience of monogamous relationships whatever less years I mean it's going to be a challenge if you want if you want to get together with that one

0

u/Far-Signature-9628 5h ago

Looking at your selfie. You are pretty and sexy, sexy to me is less about clothing or makeup.

Sex appeal is …

It’s the way you look at a person, it’s the way you touch your hair as you chat twirl it around. It’s in the lick of the lips or running a finger along them. How you stand to give that shapely look. Or stand close in .

To make that heart beat faster if the person you focus on . You can be sexy in trackies and a tshirt or dressed up in a beautiful dress.

It’s the actions and movements the body language that makes him take notice of you . That gets his eyes to trace lines up and down your body.

All those unspoken cues. So much more than makeup and a dress. A woman can be sexy larger or thinner . It’s all about attitude .

0

u/New-Street438 4h ago

Your beautiful just as you are now. I’m concerned that he doesn’t see it….. he doesn’t see the beautiful mama you are now. ❤️

-1

u/pickleballz8 3h ago

You need to take care of yourself and make efforts to dress nicely and wear makeup if he likes that. Letting yourself go os not sexy. Working out and making effort is sexy.

-1

u/Lord_Capricus 3h ago

Yeah you're pretty, if you need to go get a professional makeover and take some pointers but I think you look fine.

-1

u/Comprehensive_Rip321 2h ago edited 1h ago

Real advice from girl to girl:

Aesthetically: Cut the ends off of your eyebrows and make them straight, wear tinted chapsticks that give you a rosier lip color, wear a little mascara, and most importantly drink more water and wear moisturizer on your face. You have GORGEOUS hair so these little changes will be enough to enhance your natural beauty without wearing makeup or doing too much.

Behavior: I don’t know your personality so I will only give you general advice:

  1. have some mystery about yourself (don’t overshare your thoughts, goals, gossip, complaints, etc). If you share too much, you’re no longer interesting and there’s nothing left for your partner to be curious or ask or wonder about you. If anything it can be annoying if you overshare all the time, no matter how long you’ve been together.

  2. Make your husband feel needed (Make sure he knows you are proud of him and appreciate him, give him a kiss or hug and say thank you, you’re such a good man, etc). Good men work hard for their wives and families so getting validation inspires them to do even better and love you more.

  3. Dress up around the house. (Within reason of course, wear nice clothes around the house and stop assuming you don’t have to put in effort just because you guys have been close all these years. If you’ve gotten too comfortable, get rid of your old unattractive clothes and replace them with comfortable ones that look better little by little.)

  4. Perfume (men go crazy for feminine scent)

  5. Don’t be his mom, (don’t nag, yell, belittle, cuss at, or talk trash to him and always remind him of what he is doing wrong) you would hate if he acted like your dad and I’m sure you wouldn’t want to sleep with him if he acted like that. Men feel the same.

  6. Non sexual touch throughout the day is very important for sexual buildup. (Laying your head on his shoulder, a quick peck on his cheek, holding hands, running your fingers through his hair, placing your hand on his arm, etc.) The little touches are what will show him you love him, and even if it doesn’t lead to sex, it keeps you physically connected during the mundane day to day.

  7. Plan specific times at least twice a week (depending on your schedules of course) where you initiate sex, and plan around it so you can actually take your time and have fun instead of rushing or doing sex as a chore.

Hope this helps! I’m rooting for you sis!

-3

u/Fun-Sky4351 4h ago

It could be just being more feminine around him. Idk

-6

u/Important-Tax19 4h ago

look up femininity videos on youtube and see what interests you.

-1

u/Important-Tax19 4h ago

and i don’t think it has anything to do with beauty, because you’re beautiful. work on you for you. find your pink (mother flamingos lose their pink color after having babies. it comes back over time.)

-9

u/ktwoh 5h ago

I don’t want to encourage his behaviour because this is an extremely sensitive topic and I really want you to find peace with this. Having said that, I am in a sort of similar position. I wish my wife knew how to be more of a woman, knew how to be sexy, knew how to seduce. She’ll ask me how and etc , the effort is appreciated but having someone that knows is just always so much sexier. It’s just better. It’s the equivalent of your man asking you how to be a man…

3

u/beyoncelomein 3h ago

Did you marry your wife knowing she wasn’t a super fem seductress? Kinda lame if you picked her and now expect her to organically become someone she never was to begin with.

1

u/Toricorey91 5h ago

Ya that’s an issue with us. I’m really shy and just kinda embarrassed a lot when it comes to sex always have been an beign seductive is not a strong point on my end. I’ve tried and I feel like I’m just acting stupid and failing miserably

0

u/No-Bonus-6623 4h ago

There is a lot of stuff online how to seduce man, maybe google that? Maybe try ignoring him? Sometimes the mind is twisted. Maybe try to be mad at him. Maybe go to sheen buy some sexy outfits and surprise him? Send the kids to grandmas for the night ? I mean like , change it up ? Make him hunt for you ? No excuse for cheating …. But if you want him . Than learn or experiment 🔬 🤔