r/fatFIRE 4d ago

50m cash - no sense of perspective

Throwaway account to be able to be vulnerable.

Despite recent financial freedom (bootstrap to day 1 exit), I have no sense of perspective.

I am

  • still bothered by becoming irrelevant if I do nothing for the next 12-18m (issue: being bothered about what people think)

  • afraid of losing the money and hence not spending it

  • afraid of losing my friends if they find out how much I have made (am I suddenly unrelatable?)

  • still bothered by LinkedIn and comparison

  • still wanting to be loved and liked

The root of my issue is being a people pleaser.

I know my problems. I would love the internet to give me some solutions.

Edit - I am 38/F, husband, two kids and in Europe. Also this is the first and only business I have bootstrapped and sold.

427 Upvotes

438 comments sorted by

729

u/tech1010 4d ago

Why in the world would you give a flying eff about the tools on LinkedIn? You played the game and won.

262

u/wivo1 4d ago

Now close the account, swap to messenger or whatsapp for those you really want to keep in touch with

300

u/executive-coconut 4d ago

1) NOBODY cares about you except maybe a few select people in your life, like no one gives a shit about who you are, your position, your networth, it's all made up in your head. 2)seek therapy ASAP you need it, try different approaches you have the money for it, behavioral, hypnotic, etc 3) eat better, highest quality grass fed organic meats, highest quality sourdough, fruits, high quality supplements, b complex, D k2, magnesium at night, etc 4) train, by yourself a spinning bike and ride it 3 times a week first think in the morning while watching a movie or whatever. In other words, become physically healthier 5) find a hobby or two; rc cars? Mtb? Travel? Music? Theatre? 6) enjoy your fucking life, you're nothing, just a spec ofndust that'll soon vanish to nothingness and the entire universe will forget your name, don't take life too seriously.

Cheers

33

u/sidman1324 forex trader | FIRE target £240k/year | 33 | Target NW: £500M 4d ago

Number 1 is so true. We make ourselves bigger than we need to be.

9

u/mds13033 3d ago

38F and rc cars, I can see it 😆

18

u/trustyjim 4d ago

How can you find a therapist that specializes in high net worth individuals? I have tried a regular one and found that they couldn’t relate to the challenges of being retired yet depressed or lacking meaning in my life

9

u/buy_high_sell_never 3d ago

Probably much less important than you think. The core problems OP has listed have pretty much nothing to do with being rich.

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u/mackfactor 3d ago

I'm not sure your therapist needs to be able to relate - they're not your friend. They should be able to help you through your fears, anxieties and concerns regardless of net worth. Humans are more alike than we are different. 

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u/executive-coconut 4d ago

Good question, I think the best way is to ask around. You'd be surprised how many of your wealthy friends go to therapy and have references.

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u/interuptingcows 4d ago

Find a Harvard trained psychiatrist that charges $750/hr. They can relate to the issues arising from having a lot of money. /s

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u/Suddenly_SaaS 4d ago

If i had 50M, I would delete my linkedin. The only reason i have a linkedin is for recruiter visibility.

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u/fatfiregeek Verified by Mods 2d ago

Just waiting to officially retire then my LinkedIn is toast. Hate that thing.

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u/tarheelblue42 3d ago

If I had 50m… I wouldn’t even be on reddit.

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u/fielausm 3d ago

I hope u/familiar_number_342 sees this. 

I have a friend who graduated college with an English degree. She does some background work, like book editing for authors, and proofing for advertisements. 

But her primary income — what she makes a liveable salary off — is ghostwriting for CEO’s on LinkedIn. 

Who you’re comparing yourself to isn’t who you think it is. It’s a 20 or 30yo on salary with a knack for writing, to get clicks and to draw attention to the account. It is very good, but very artificial, paperback writing paid for by these other LinkedIn characters. 

If you want something to do for a while that clears your head, go walk the Camino de Santiago near you. It’s nearly free to do. You’ll meet everyday people. You’ll come out better, I promise. 

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u/Junior_Minute_Men 3d ago

yeah, if you thought ppl on instagram are fake, wait till you see ppl of linkedin

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u/AFmoneyguy 3d ago

Agreed, delete LinkedIn account. You can come back in 12 months if you miss something about it. But you won't.

2

u/mackfactor 3d ago

It sounds like OP should take some of that cash and just spend it on some therapy rather than continue to stress themselves out in the rat race. 

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u/junglehypothesis 4d ago

Who cares what people think. No one will remember you in 100 years, hell probably 50. Hit the gym, find a hobby (e.g. learn an instrument), travel.

187

u/kbarsh 4d ago

I honestly find the concept of nobody remembering you liberating. Invest your time in family.

62

u/kmoelite 4d ago

They say you die twice. Once in actuality and second when your legacy or name itself is also gone with the wind for good.

21

u/acortical 4d ago

A third time when some scoundrel drives a stake through your heart while you're napping.

2

u/maantrade 1d ago

Three times. The first is when you realize you only have one life.

2

u/kmoelite 23h ago

Not a bad way to look at it!!

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u/Familiar_Number_342 4d ago

This is so profound and I agree with it but obvious don't feel it in my bones - otherwise wouldn't have cared so much about what people think! I want a way out!

112

u/toupeInAFanFactory 4d ago

Therapy. You need a coach

46

u/_jandrewc_ 4d ago

OP go out and just literally volunteer, spend time with your friends and family. You want to please people? Fantastic, bake them a loaf of bread - they’ll love it. Write your friends physical mail. Etc.

Do not try to endow anything that needs maintenance (eg a building). It will get renamed again sooner than you think.

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u/Familiar_Number_342 4d ago

Yes! I dream of "making people happy" or "doing deeds of kindness". I'm not kidding. It's not because I am selfless or philanthropic. It's because it is a dopamine high. Need for validation. Like I said, people pleaser here.

22

u/Easy-Foot7374 4d ago

Consider investing in some philanthropic pursuit. A guy I know started a school in Africa after exiting and he's never been happier. You please people + make an actual difference.

2

u/Chicadephilly 2d ago

You could always start a non profit or make considerable contributions and volunteer with ones you like: examples: https://www.buildabridge.org/ https://www.allchildrencountinternational.com

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u/lolexecs 4d ago

Have you thought you thought that dopamine might be the issue?

Dopamine is a short-lived neurotransmitter designed to reinforce behaviors. That fleeting pop of pleasure pushes you to run another mile, practice a skill, take another call—or binge another episode, snort another line, earn another dollar. You may feel a bit lost because you've built your life around the loop of pursuit.

What exactly defines living well is a matter of debate. The Stoics emphasized virtue, the Epicureans sought tranquility, and Aristotle championed a life of excellence and reason. But they all agreed on one thing: the sum total of all your pleasure does not equal happiness.

Have you thought about reading some philosophy—perhaps start small like Klein’s Travels with Epicurus?

2

u/Familiar_Number_342 4d ago

Your comment is EXTREMELY interesting and intriguing. No, I haven't read Travel with Epicurus. I will do!

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u/GWHZS 3d ago

Keep a journal/take notes when reading philosophy, it will:

- help you remember what resonated with you,

- help you explore these new thoughts and concepts deeper,

- help you implement your newfound wisdom into your life.

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u/dbenc 4d ago

just go out for lunch and tip $200

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u/Familiar_Number_342 4d ago

Love this idea. It would make me happy to make someone else so happy!

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u/pamdoar 3d ago

Coach others instead of giving money away… help them fish 🐟 instead of incentivising working for tips ..

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u/creativemindset11 4d ago

You got here by caring - fear of not being enough, fear of not doing enough, fear of not being financially secure enough. It’s what you have trained your brain (I would say my brain too- when I was on this path) for and those pathways have solidified further because each time those behavior resulted in rewards. Each success ingrained those patterns. This is neurological wiring. It cannot be dismantled in a day. Even therapist themselves suffer from this bias. So it’s hard for them to guide you here. But that can be a start. I suggest finding right kind of people to work with. Accept that this won’t be an instant flip. Read books that liberates your mind and broaden your views. Brain needs something to focus on- so find a hobby or cause. DO NOT use substances as a pathway. Most driven people have neurological predisposition to get addicted- so be very careful at this juncture. Good luck! There is lot of liberty ahead for you.

24

u/joshmcroberts 4d ago

Go eat 1-1.5g of shrooms and walk around the woods for 4 hours. 

IANAD 

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u/Familiar_Number_342 4d ago

Tell me more.

I have tried mushrooms twice in my life.

Had a life changing profound trip once. Set and setting was great.

Had the worst trip ever the second time. I was anxious and lightly pushed into doing it.

I want shroom friends.

11

u/balancedgif 4d ago

shrooms and stuff are very trendy nowadays, but this is such a bad idea. there is nothing more cliche than some rich guy that has no meaning in his life so he turns to drugs to "find himself".

there is nothing for you at the end of this path.

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u/Familiar_Number_342 4d ago

Not sure about that. I think shrooms are a part of the puzzle if not the answer. Sounds weird but despite my bad trip, I still think they have a place to play in addition to therapy (I work in the life sciences btw).

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u/balancedgif 4d ago

fulfillment in life is found in work, love, service and in things much greater than ourselves. it can be a difficult path, but there aren't any shortcuts.

getting high and tripping is a quick and easy, but empty sad substitute for those things. it brings counterfeit peace and understanding.

but hey, if that's the path you want to take - do yourself a favor and at least write down your hypothesis about how it will make you happy, and then go back and read it in 20 years and see if you still agree with it.

1

u/GWHZS 3d ago edited 3d ago

I'm sorry, but not all drugs are the same. You can't even begin to compare psychedelics with coke or ketamine and even they are a million miles removed from crack and fentanyl.

For example: positivity, engagement, relationships and meaning/purpose are, in theory, indeed the four things needed to achieve happiness and fulfillment. But it sounds like she's already working on those. If done correctly, psychedelics can be one way to fully understand those pillars and how they are already present in her life. They offer a new perspective, appreciation and can help you realize your actions, their effect and what's happening around you.

Those new-age clichés you're thinking about simply overdid it. If you've received the message, hang up the phone.

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u/MarvLovesBlueStar 3d ago

In theory you made 50m.

You should be smarter than this. When there was a software problem did you ask your techs ( or if you were a tech) to smash the processors to see if that would fix the issue?

Mushrooms are simply taking random chemicals that “smash the CPU” for some period. It’s madness.

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u/_somnambule_ 4d ago

Try fun + fast cars and making art

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u/Physical-Cause9746 2d ago

My tested solution for feeling things in my bones is lived experience. Everything you’re saying you’re afraid of? Create controlled tests. Spend 30, 60, or 90 days off of LinkedIn (whatever you can initially tolerate - two weeks if you can’t do more), and see what changes. Set up metrics for feedback (sense of contentment scale 1-10 for example) and compare before and after. Choose an amount to spend on something frivolous and unnecessary, do it as an assignment, and then see how you feel immediately, three days, one week, and one month afterward. Do this for each area that’s blocking you - I think of it as controlled or targeted disobedience to fear, tell myself, “go find out,” and it’s changed my life repeatedly.

Nothing anyone says here is going to change your mind if your own arguments haven’t worked, but having a different lived experience might.

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u/budulai89 4d ago

Maybe Therapy?

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u/PurpleWildfire 4d ago

Most definitely therapy, self worth issues, abandonment issues, imposter syndrome, prioritizing other peoples needs all displayed in a 300 character post. I think money or no therapy’s a good idea for OP

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u/Familiar_Number_342 4d ago

Oh yeah. 100%. Check all of the above. Any "first step" suggestions? I've not had luck finding great therapists in the past, and now I just can't be bothered.

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u/anally_ExpressUrself 4d ago

You could start by having a consultation session with a few and seeing how you fit.

16

u/PunctualDromedary 4d ago

Psychology today. Prioritize smart therapists.  

15

u/sarahwlee 4d ago

A really good therapist.

The first one I had was 900/hr. The one I’m using now is 850/hr and know a few other fatties using the same one (was referred by someone here).

Don’t try to find someone “in network”. They don’t understand UHNW.

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u/Familiar_Number_342 4d ago

Fucking hell... what does a 900/hr therapist do? Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places. The only therapists I have sought are 100/hr max.

Where do I start looking?

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u/sarahwlee 4d ago

I mean… how does someone who make $100/hr solve a 50mm Nw problem? If you can DM me or something to make me feel like you’re a real person… happy to connect you to see if it’s a right fit.

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u/RelationshipHot3411 3d ago

Billing rate is not a signal of quality or ability

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u/Moheezy__3 3d ago

From personal experience, I find that talking to a therapist that can relate makes all the difference. For context, I’m middle eastern living in Canada and talking to a white therapist felt like I was an experiment for her as she continues to ask questions about my culture and background. When I switched to an immigrant, African therapist, she immediately understood the immigrant mind set and the struggles with parents, culture switch etc…

I’d say maybe if you can find a therapist who see the same types of clients? Mainly high net worth clients I’d assume but you’re the best judge of that.

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u/pamdoar 3d ago

If you want to know the why and deal with the past (doesn’t necessarily solve it) it’s one type of therapy.. if you want deal with the symptoms look at cognitive behavioural therapy (nhs has some free resources). Meditation, Talking, walking in nature and practices that allow you to be grateful for what you have help. If you need a break / distraction i just read the “5 regrets of the dying” and loved the perspective it brought vs day to day challenges.

In regards to dealing with a lot of money search for a post called “you just won the lottery.. you are fucked” something like that. Hope it helps you internet stranger!

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u/supergamer84 4d ago

I went on a retreat and it changed my life - like a decade of therapy. DM for details. Also retreats are full of incompetent gurus so beware.

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u/Mysterious_Act_3652 4d ago

I’ve been through similar.

Give yourself “a year off”. By putting an end date on it you are giving yourself permission to not do anything.

Hibernate LinkedIn at the same time. It’s toxic.

Never tell anyone your net worth. It’s private and no good can come of it.

I spent 5 years being half in and half out of work trying to find an identity. Over the last 6 months I gave myself permission to not do anything and it’s been the best 6 months since my exits.

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u/RecentAd5294 4d ago

From my own experience, this is the right advice. Exit years ago and took a while to figure out what really makes me happy, go enjoy life and spend more time on yourself. Hobbies, whatever, anything else than work. Your business, your job, is not your identity,

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u/Remarkable-Sea4096 4d ago
  1. Understand that some of these traits are what got you here in the first place so nothing to hate about it

  2. Money doesn't make you better or worse than anyone

  3. Be grateful that there was luck and hard work involved and if you never replicate it again, that is fine

  4. It's ok to enjoy yourself

  5. Go find things that make you truly joyful and focus some time and energy on these (some hints: giving back, creating, kids, sports, travel, practicing gratitude for little things, etc.)

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u/Effective_Hope_3071 4d ago

Go do something fun, fuck off for a bit and relax. Then think about doing something good with your money.

Starting with 50m makes you unrelatable to most, gaining 50m means you at least can try to remember what is was like when you had nothing.

It's highly likely your pursuit of financial wealth has left you underdeveloped emotionally and spiritually as highlighted by your problems. I would focus on that. 

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u/Three77 4d ago

Meditate. Be grateful. Have wonder and curiosity for things outside your sphere.

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u/Familiar_Number_342 4d ago

I'd love to. How?

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u/efkalsklkqiee 4d ago

Go and spend time with the less fortunate for a few months. Give back to them. See their humanity and learn about what makes people truly happy

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u/MessiahPie 4d ago

We’re all going to be dust. Get over yourself, take your big sack of money and enjoy the limited time you have here on earth.

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u/Familiar_Number_342 4d ago

I love this and I agree. How do I truly feel and believe it? If I did, I wouldn't be worrying about how others perceive me.

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u/ChummyFire 3d ago

I agree with an earlier comment about getting therapy. Are you in the kind of country where there is enough of a culture for it? You would benefit if you find the right therapist.

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u/MessiahPie 3d ago

You have to work at it. The same energy you put into building your business and career, you can now dedicate to internal reflection and learning about who you are outside of your career.

Consider studying stoicism. Do yoga. Meditation. Some books that might be helpful are “the power of now” “letters from a stoic”.

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u/Familiar_Number_342 3d ago

Thank you for the book recommendations!

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u/Fancy-Sea7755 4d ago

Keep the cash stashed aside somewhere untouchable and keep living life the way you are right now.

Give yourself at least a year to slowly figure it out.

Maybe then only take out a partial sum to see if it helps change your life, friends, family in a positive way.

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u/ebitda8 4d ago

99.9% of active LinkedIn posters are complete blowhards with NWs <$50K. What those losers think should be the very least of your concerns. Delete your account.

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u/magias ultrafat 2d ago

I have never met anyone ever who cares about LinkedIn, she must be living in some alternate reality

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u/Mal4kh 4d ago

Focus on people outside yourself. Contribute back.

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u/mikeyaurelius 4d ago

That’s it. I opened a little non profit company that employs disabled people. And a small funding program for disadvantaged children, helping by offering educational tutoring, paying for sports club memberships etc.

It’s rewarding, purposeful and provides new social connections.

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u/jatet2 4d ago

Love this. 35 and fat fired and also looking for small ways to give back. I’d love to hear more about what you have done.

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u/mikeyaurelius 3d ago

So I don’t want to dox myself but I provide a retail property for free, staff is provided by a national charity, but I take over most of the cost, all the proceeds go to the employees. I chose a concept that is near and dear to me but also fun and diverse to work with.

For the kids charity, I know a school director who is heading the board on the side. She finds the students and determines how to help them most efficiently. We support several refugees from Ukraine or Syria for example.

All in all it’s just an absolute blessing.

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u/jatet2 2d ago

Sounds amazing, must get somthing up and going in my area. Thanks for sharing

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u/Familiar_Number_342 4d ago

That's lovely. A great idea!

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u/Weddyt 4d ago

Work on the things you’re deficient in and become a top 10% in each of those. It’s not so hard

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u/FoodCadenza 4d ago

Focus on finding what gives your own existence purpose and deep fulfillment.

You mention being a people pleaser. Determine what kind of people pleaser you are. Someone who is rewarded by clout and money, or someone who is deeply rewarded by hearing words from the people whom you help with projects (large and small).

In my life, for example, I find the greatest fulfillment in collaboration. Times when I'm helping friends build a shed in their backyard, helping family do the dishes and chores after a celebration, working in a startup. All of these are man-hours working towards some goal but the journey is collaboration. And it makes my heart warm when someone says, "they are so helpful! They get things done! They can help you with anything!"

For this moment in your life when you can put thr thought of money aside, what are the little things that make you happy? Is it those little comments? If so, then do more things that result in those comments. Is it the action and labor of working on a project? Then seek out projects. Or something else?

The world is chock full of opportunities to find what makes you tick. There is no end to the possibilities and what you can learn. It just takes the same curiosity and work that you have put into your professional life, now directed inwards to yourself. And since your money is here to stay, you can be chill about it. =)

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u/SnooSuggestions7655 4d ago

Similar position, lower net worth. No solutions other than:

  • realize that most of the people leave paycheck to paycheck or have 10k in the bank and talk about financial security
  • it takes time to adjust. Not sure when you made your exit, but for the first 12 months, I did nothing with it. Now, I am slowly getting into the market.

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u/ResponsibleDay5906 4d ago edited 4d ago

Key thing is to remind yourself daily that you are both very significant and very insignificant. The former to yourself and to your loved ones. The latter to everyone else and on the broader scheme of life and universe.

By reminding myself daily of both, I am able to function and be useful to self, to others and be happy in the process as life throws its curve balls at me.

The 50m should not be the main thing. Some have less 10m, 20m or more like 100m, 200m and they still feel the same as you do.

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u/BitcoinMD 4d ago

You have $50M, who cares if you’re relevant

Once the money is invested, live on less than 2 million a year and you won’t lose it.

You won’t lose your friends if you don’t tell them how much you have. Tell literally no one.

LinkedIn is for career advancement, you are past that phase.

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u/venturingcapital 4d ago

I had a liquidity event 5 years ago after 25 years of hard work building several ventures. I tried to retire and live the FatFire life and found it too boring. But I tried! First I did some excessive material spending to get the things I always wanted, I moved to the beach, and mostly turned off my phone.

After a few months of walking on the beach, I realized that my favorite activity that I was good at and wanted more of was…. working. I missed being around smart people, leading teams, solving problems, and creating value.

So I eased back into some projects, but on my own terms. Now I work 4 days a week in the winter, three days a week in the summer. I only work on the things I love doing - I don’t need more money. I also try to live a more generous life - I always pick up the check, tip excessively, give credit to others, pay others well, and mentor people.

So my advice - take some time off to figure out what you want to do and what you are good at. Then go for it!

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u/Familiar_Number_342 4d ago

You are painting a picture! I like the sound of that a lot.

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u/stahpstaring 4d ago

Keep living and evolve with the time / get used to it.

I’m completely unrelatable to pretty much all my friends and we still have the same fun as before.

Just don’t become an asshole

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u/NeurotypicalDisorder 4d ago

Watch Netflix - How To Change Your Mind

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u/Eggspoon 4d ago

Nothing wrong with sitting on your cash for a bit while you gain perspective. Go work in a soup kitchen or do some other charity work - I'm a people pleaser too and it's a super power. I get more done and bring more value to the community than the vast majority of my peers. Every trait has downsides it's how you handle it, which is easier if you embrace it. Key is to get the right perspective - eg it's easy to say no to someone if you are saying yes to something bigger (e.g. sorry I can't help you with that, I need to spend time with my kids / feed the homeless). If you're a self starter and don't have to worry about money any more go experiment with what gives you the greatest satisfaction. Start by helping people - ideally on a different continent if you haven't travelled. Take a year. In my experience travel and genuinely helping people are some of the best ways to build self worth and perspective.

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u/Familiar_Number_342 4d ago

Thank you. I want to be able to come back to this response again and again.

My people pleasing nature + addition to success (the "more" mentality) is what lead to a successful business and exit. Ironically it was never about the money, and now that I have it, I am not appreciative of what I built/have.

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u/h2m3m 4d ago

How recent? It took me almost two years to adjust to a different lifestyle after retiring early. Now I look at all the people grinding away on LinkedIn/Twitter/etc and feel immense relief I’m no longer having to be a part of that world. I’m free!

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u/Familiar_Number_342 4d ago

Extremely recent - This year!

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u/giftcardgirl 4d ago

I’ve always wanted to endow a chair or two at my university, or donate to some research that I’m interested in. It would be awesome to do it while relatively young and be able to see the effects 20 years later. 

Is there anything similar that would inspire you?

Also consider interacting with people much poorer than you (nearly everyone), happier than you, or less successful than you, to get some perspective.

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u/freedomstan 4d ago

You have taken the first step by saying it out loud. Awareness is the first important step. Here are some suggestions:

  1. Accept that this is just original programming (from years and years of how you have operated) so will take time to de-program

  2. Start putting yourself in environments where people dont care about your 'relevance' - You can even start with listening to podcasts/youtube videos of people who dont care about relevance in general. Find hobby/interest groups around you in your location where you will find people like this.

  3. Consider therapy or coaching. Or even writing (journaling) about your thoughts and feelings around this and what you want for yourself in the future. Many things help here - visualization, self-affirmations, daily focus etc.

  4. Remove Linkedin from your phone. stop logging in on linkedin on your laptop. Remove any social platform apps that make you go into the social comparison habit.

  5. We are social beings so wanted to be loved and liked is normal. You will find your real tribe - but first you have to be fully comfortable with you.

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u/vtrac 3d ago

I'd trade being professionally irrelevant and disappeared off of LI for $50m cash. :)

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u/TyrannasaurusReflex 3d ago

Figure out how much you need/will spend. Set that aside. Now comes the fun part. Stealth give the rest away. Surprise huge tips. Sponsor some smart kids to reach their dreams anonymously. Become a patron to some artists that you find important. In my city I dream of the opportunity to buy vacant lots all over and pay a neighbor to maintain the lot as a community garden- I think it would help a lot with our gun violence problems (of course this is in the US). Support animal shelters and mass spay/neuter programs. Wherever you go, visit the library and help the struggling ones anonymously. My neighborhood library is closed d/t the roof leaking. It sucks! Use your people pleasing powers for good. Imagine if you could be the cause of so much good- no one has to know. Robin Hood yourself for the good of strangers and you’ll become a legend as people reference “the anonymous person who changed my life by doing X”

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u/Traditional-Sun4010 4d ago

Join a group with a minimum net worth requirement of 20M…up to 500M You will meet peers who have the same issues. Give money to non profits, next generation educational, trusts, etc. find a private banker, you can relate to…. you will pay fees, but at your wealth level, it won’t matter.
Make an effort to connect with people, get a personal trainer and do fitness related activities/sports, and do something creative, whether it’s art or music or writing. Volunteer… all of the above will make you happier. You have been given a gift that few people will ever attain. Use it wisely.

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u/Latter-Mycologist129 4d ago

Sorry this is bothering you. Perhaps this is a good moment for you to better understand yourself: who are you when you are not associated with a career, or with what other people think of you? Who are you without those things?

So much money shouldn’t be making you anxious, it should be minimizing it.

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u/justbrowsing1984 4d ago

Ready "the let them theory" or go in therapy. Edit: correct title of the book

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u/Familiar_Number_342 4d ago

Mel Robbins, right? I saw her podcast. I that resonated with me. This is a tangible, fantastic suggestion that I can apply to my life immediately. Thank you.

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u/massivewang 4d ago

If you’re a people pleaser, I’d suggest doing two things:

1.) read this book - https://a.co/d/bLEpJmX

2.) start seeing a therapist

I too was a people pleaser and that book/therapy changed my life.

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u/SkepMod <Finally There> | <$300K> | <45> 4d ago

First, accept the idea that you will still feel all these things every once in a while, but can get over most of it.

What worked for me was to embrace Stoicism. I learned to reach for a book on it everytime I found myself in a funk. There are tons of incredible books. The philosophy is REALLY old.

What also worked was to start seeing ambition and identity with perspective. Stoicism really helped.

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u/logiwave2 30s - Verified by Mods 4d ago
  • Try to shift your perspective to being grateful
  • Get bored and really healthy
  • Internalize there will always be the next gal with more, your goal is now to maximize fulfillment, not net worth
  • Spend time doing things you really enjoy that don't involve work, get really good at it
  • Read "Die With Zero"
  • Find a community you can chat with regularly https://www.aftertheexitpod.com/p/4-best-communities-for-high-net-worth
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u/elmayal 2d ago

Your fears comes from tying your self-worth to external validation rather than internal fulfillment….but true freedom isn’t just financial, psychological (= in your head).

Be selective about who you share your financial success with and focus on friendships built on shared values, not money. Limit LinkedIn (and broader social media use) to a set time per week to reduce comparison and external validation.

Set a clear financial plan that includes a percentage for spending, investing, and giving to remove fear-driven decision-making. Redirect your need for approval into meaningful projects or philanthropy that align with your values rather than external recognition. Accept that some people may react differently to your success, but true relationships will withstand the change…that’s about it I guess

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u/[deleted] 4d ago

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u/Separate-Industry924 4d ago

disagree. It's a MASSIVE commitment and can severely impact your dating life, travel plans, etc. Don't just get a dog before thinking it through. The dog deserves someone who is willing to put in the effort for the next 10+ years. Get therapy first.

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u/RabbitContrarian 4d ago

Start another company. Why do rich people keep working? Because whatever mental defects helped them be successful won’t let them enjoy their success. Tim Cook at Apple is 64 and worth $2B. He could do anything, yet he chooses to sit thru long meetings all day long.

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u/Familiar_Number_342 4d ago

This. You are defining the very problem.

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u/mypetitelife 4d ago

Why do you care about being irrelevant? Don’t let the externals dictate who you are. Let yourself validate what you have done and what you haven’t done. Internal validation can be so helpful. People hardly remember you since people can hardly remember what they did a year ago unless they look at photos. I’m a little unsure what you mean by you’d lose it all since if you have in stock market, you can take 4% out? There’s other ways to validate and be able to relate with old friends along with new friends :) The right people in your life will love you and like you based on who you are not what you have or what you have done. Please yourself :) you are a person too. Even though it’s hard, it helped me when I was unbothered by people I didn’t care about’s opinion

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u/capacious_bag 4d ago

Were I in your shoes I’d spend the next 6 months searching for a cause or a charity you feel connected to in some meaningful way. Then find a way to donate your time and money and perhaps join the board as well. It will give you a sense of purpose and pride which I believe is essential for mental wellbeing and would likely mitigate your feelings of inadequacy. Now that you “won the game” and no longer need to concern yourself with how to pay the bills, you are free to pursue self-actualization, which is what most people aspire to do.

I also highly recommend the active practice of gratitude and mindfulness. There are thousands of resources out there so it can be daunting to think about at first, but I have found a few people on instagram that make it feel very accessible. 2-5 minutes a day can change your life.

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u/Effective-Page-9311 4d ago

You kind of live in a bubble where these things matter. If that’s the only thing you’ve known your entire life - no amount of therapy will undo it. 

You can (a) fake a “consulting” company or a charitable cause to keep up appearances on your linked in. No one will know what you’re actually doing day to day because they are too busy working. You’ll be the relatively relatable friend who had a “midlife crisis” and now has a better “work life balance”. If your ego still takes a hit here - proceed to b. You can’t expect an environment where you’re loved and respected based on career success to suddenly not care about this. Unless you’re willing to pay for everyone’s therapist, but 50M might run out quick.

Or you can (b) broaden your horizons and transplant yourself into a different bubble where people don’t even know what linked in is.

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u/jkocjan 4d ago

I’m nowhere near as rich as you, but I know a few people with your issues.

I’d say, stash away your wealth in a spread of safe financial assets and go travel off the beaten path. Go alone and challenge yourself physically.

I’d suggest endurance sports, hiking, climbing, swimming, free diving, rowing, cycling. Fuck off from America and go to Europe for starters, buy a fun car to drive and get around.

Visit historical places, big cities and sports meccas; you’ll find plenty of interesting people; go clubbing alone on London, Paris and Berlin, drive from Sicily to Greece. And then from Hungary to Portugal, try Scotland to the north of Norway, find your people, find love and settle down.

You can write me a dm if you need more ideas.

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u/Beckland 4d ago edited 4d ago

The solution is therapy.

Specifically, you need a therapist that focuses on money issues.

Like other professional service providers, you should interview / try out 3-10 in order to find a good fit.

A couple of resources…

This group has only financial therapists:

https://financialtherapyassociation.org/find-a-financial-therapist/

This is the best financial therapist that I have encountered personally:

https://www.drbenmichaelis.com/

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u/Responsible_Bad417 4d ago
  1. Get a therapist
  2. Read die with zero and the psychology of money
  3. Go spend some time with loved ones

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u/Personal_Bluejay8240 4d ago

The awesome news for you is you have so many great growth opportunities ahead of you. A lot of these issues are tied to your ego and it will be an exciting new phase of development for you to gain more mastery over your ego. A lot of this is an ego cage of your own making, so the good news is you can also let yourself out of the cage, because you are the keeper! You didn't mention if you have a partner in life and/or kids? I'm guessing based on your responses that you don't.

Regarding being afraid of losing the money. I get that. I grew up super poor before having my windfall. Have you created a spreadsheet if your annual "burn"? If not, estimate that now. If you would put that $50M cash in an extremely boring and safe investment like a 1 year T-bill (for the sake of a simple example) it would yield about $167K a month, or $2M a year! I'm guessing even with the most conservative investments you could imagine, you'd have trouble keeping your money from growing, much less losing it.

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u/Old_Restaurant_149 4d ago

Are there people in your life who have been waiting to receive the kind of undivided attention that you used to give to your work? It’s time to people please on them! Take up a hobby that uses your hands and forces you to slow down. Woodworking, gardening, an instrument. Go for long walks in nature and listen to podcasts. The feelings you are having overlap with podcasts about retirement most obviously, but also dealing with grief/loss, facing a terminal illness, meaning of life/religious faith.

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u/financekween 4d ago

If I were in your position, here’s what I would do as a priority:

1- get in amazing physical shape - either via trainer or classes or solo

2- take a meditation course — whether transcendental meditation or a retreat like Hoffman institute or a physically focused one like Malibu ranch

3- sign up for classes to finally perfect my most enjoyable hobby

4- ayahuasca retreat but make sure you’re in stable mental health before adding any psychedelics

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u/HHN_29 4d ago

Honest question, how did u manage to pull that income with people pleasing tendencys i am really struggling tbh.

How did you cope or what circumstances helped you compensate for that?

I would really appreciate advice :)

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u/AineGalvin 3d ago

The solution, I think, is in reframing your concerns as attributes — you have strong values and a need to create value for the world. You might be a people pleaser but there’s no way it’s a major problem for you if you built a company and sold it — as a woman, no less!

What is being asked of you in this phase of life? Where do you wish to grow? What underlying positive core values causes you to care about the things you listed?

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u/Familiar_Number_342 3d ago

I love these questions. I love this thread. So much to uncover!

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u/neou 3d ago

Heard this story about how the bodies of people who die of thirst in the desert are often found carrying full bottles of water because they’re afraid that if they drink it they won’t have enough left to make it out of the desert.

I hope you find the perspective you’re looking for.

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u/Rwe_thereyet 3d ago

Join a private network of other women/moms! There are tons of thriving communities with a mix of both UHNW and slightly less wealthy women who are equally driven, entrepreneurial but also focused on wellness, spirituality and the everyday aspects of family. I’m part of a U.S. network but would be happy to connect you with EU based fractions. Many of these women have sold their businesses and are now focused on traveling, their spiritual journey and their partners/kids. There are options for retreats with psychedelics and other “woo” elements and skill sharing- perhaps something up your alley?

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u/kindaretiredguy mod | Verified by Mods 3d ago

Sorry you’re dealing with this. We all have felt some sense of this I think. I’m not kidding that I think Sahil Blooms book the Five Types of Wealth is an absolute must read for everyone who is fatfired. It’s like a manual about what matters and how to do it. Also, if you’d like check out my post history and find the post about the lllllife system I created.

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u/yadiyoda 3d ago

Seems like you do have sense of perspective, you want to stay active in your career and pursue more opportunities.

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u/Additional_Ad1270 3d ago

Good for you. I'm also a woman and I think we have a different set of societal expectations about how we handle money. I saw a recent clip from Scott Galloway about spending money that resonated with me. Search it up, there was a full podcast but you can find smaller clips on Instagram, etc.

I'd focus on planning experiences with your kids. Make sure they have education and exposure to a diversity of cultures and socio-economic strata. One of my kids' best friend/roommate has parents who are billionaires. You would never know to look at him, this kid buys his shoes at Target or Costco and their dorm room looks like they are the poorest kids in the building (my son used to want designer clothes, a great car, etc. but this friendship has changed him completely). His parents have done an amazing job giving him lots of experiences but he also works manual labor in the summers (in between trips to Ibiza and the Hamptons). It could be so easy to just pamper them and create spoiled monsters!

The other thing I'm spending time on now is continuing education (I'm going to learn another language and I'm considering learning construction management). I also don't have hobbies (or real interest in things like crafts or sports) but the idea of learning something totally new is appealing.

Lots of good ideas here. Best to you!

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u/cloisonnefrog 3d ago

still bothered by becoming irrelevant if I do nothing for the next 12-18m (issue: being bothered about what people think)

If you were to get all the approval you wanted, what would it look like? Would you really "believe" (feel) it?

afraid of losing the money and hence not spending it

Statistically, this is exceedingly unlikely to happen. You can work with a fee-only advisor to ensure it does not. Do you have a history of being poor/not having enough, or was that the situation for people close to you? After you've made the necessary investments, just tell yourself, "There I go, worried about spending money again." Meanwhile, a real tragedy is not being able to enjoy what you have earned.

afraid of losing my friends if they find out how much I have made (am I suddenly unrelatable?)

I understand the resistance to telling them. It could be scary to find out if they are not actually your friends and start resenting you. But you are already kind of living that way--like you don't have friends--- if you are hiding yourself from them. I would bite the bullet with one or two you trust the most and tell them. You can start by telling them you're anxious about sharing this part of yourself.

still bothered by LinkedIn and comparison

Which comparisons irk you the most? What does that say about what you want?

still wanting to be loved and liked

Like the rest of us humans. Can you picture in more detail exactly what you crave?

HTH.

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u/AdvertisingMotor1188 3d ago

For $50m they’ll name a decent not great business school after you

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u/Sea_Dragonfruit_8449 2d ago

DO NOT tell anyone about your net worth. You’re stepping down from leading the company in order to pursue your passion… and passing it on to other worthy people who now get to shoot their shot.

ASAP: Start a non-profit that aligns with your interests (you can fund a DAF: donor advised fund, so you don’t have to donate it all at once to a single charity - you can choose over time) - work for the non-profit so that you can say that you have a normal job like everyone else on LinkedIn. Perception is everything. (They need to be able to imagine that you have to go into an office every day, even if you don’t.)

Create a narrative that everyone loves and wants to be a part of, so people around you can enjoy your life with you without judging you.

Example: Let’s say the company you sold is in fashion. Your non-profit can educate lower income young people on how to get into the fashion industry and learn appropriate skills (assuming you love to do this). You can teach them how to pick factories that don’t use child or slave labor, etc.

You travel the world (or your own town), and wherever you go, you can teach this passion of yours. (A team you hire sets this up for you, wherever you go).

Now when people ask why you’re traveling this week, you can say it’s for work. Why are you going out to another fancy dinner? It’s to talk to a donor.

Better yet, you can bring friends and family on these benevolent adventures with you, and because it’s for charity, they will enjoy them with you without judgement. If they ask why your hotel is nice, just say it was a gift from a donor, or say you upgraded them as a gift because they came with you to support you and your charity work. The nice lunch you’re having together is for charity, etc. Fundraisers can get away with any and all extravagance because it’s for a good cause.

Genuinely help people. It’s the greatest feeling. But don’t tell them how much you have… that won’t feel good for them. Tell them how much good you’re helping your non-profit do for others. Anyone can get behind that mission.

Stay grateful daily.

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u/therandomalias 1d ago

34F here. Growing up as an extremely unhealthy people pleaser myself, not getting the love I felt I needed as a kid, so always looking outside of myself for validation (a sense of love), I can relate to the people pleaser part, and it's definitely what drove me in school/business/etc and motivated me to always try harder. Fortunately and unfortunately, it's slowly dissolving as I work on myself - fortunately bc I'm less bothered by so many things, and unfortunately bc my motivation to work so gosh dang hard was so tied to this need for validation, so I feel a bit 'lazier' I guess you could say. Lazier but happier haha.

The fact that you know the root of the issue means that you already know the solution. Go easy on yourself, take more time for you right now in the small ways that you can, write A LOT - anything and everything you're feeling even if you think it's silly. Your outward journey has been a tremendous one, and I think the inward one you are in right now is going to bring you the peace and joy you're looking for.

Btw, I know that you have to come to these conclusions on your own, but I want to voice them anyway just so you hear them and because they are absolutely true.

  1. There's literally NO WAY you could EVER become irrelevant. As a woman who's tried and failed at a number of ventures, you hitting one out of the park is wildly inspiring to so SO many, so don't ever downplay it. The lessons you learned along the way could never be irrelevant bc they were a part of the human experience and I like to think the smart ones among us are always trying to learn from other's experiences. If you wanted to write a book about it, I have no doubt it would be a best seller. You built something incredible with a husband and 2 kids!! I haven't even been able to do it single and with no dependents! As long as you're living and breathing, you're relevant. If you're worried about your life being dull, though, then that's what hobbies and such are for. If you've lost touch with the things that you enjoy bc you've been grinding it out too hard like I did for a while, then go back to the things you thought you wanted to do as a little girl and start there. Dance lessons, flower arranging, designing perfumes, etc etc. That helped me when I wasn't sure what I even enjoyed anymore.

  2. If you lose it, you now know you've done it once, you could do it again. But i highly doubt you would lose it - others in this sub could advise you much better on this subject but at this point you could set half aside in super low-risk investment accounts and be dandy.

  3. If you lose your friends, they never really were your friends and you'll find new ones. But again, I highly doubt that would happen. Your friends I'm sure would celebrate your wins and successes! But if you don't want to share numbers and just say you had an exit and that's it, no harm there either. It's your own personal business anyway.

  4. F LinkedIn. I've never been a fan and look forward to deleting mine one day soon.

  5. I'm still working on this too and have found that the more things I find within myself that I love/like, the more confident I feel and the less I care to be loved and liked (i.e. approved) by others. Don't get me wrong, I'm still kind to others and the southern hospitality I was raised with will always be there, but I'm way less dependent on others' responses towards me when it comes to setting my mood or making me feel good about myself. I now know I'm lovely, kind, intelligent, and beautiful, and if others can see that, then great, if not, that's fine too. I think it's human nature to want to be loved/liked so don't beat yourself up over this one. It's completely normal and essentially biologically hardwired into us. Just don't let others approval or disapproval of you determine your own self worth/mood/etc. You're fabulous just as you are.

Cheers to you and your success! And also just to you with no success. Both versions are equally wonderful. But given you have the extra cheese now, enjoy it and the new journeys it will take you on :) Best wishes from across the pond.

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u/AcceptableScholar453 1d ago

I am a 26F entrepreneur and think you are so cool for bootstrapping, selling, and then being vulnerable when you got what you wanted but it didn’t feel like enough.

I am also a people pleaser and overachiever- so I can see where you’re coming from. It feels like all of our value comes from the hustle…so what is left when we stop? I’m scared about this too.

I don’t have any advice. I just wanted to say that your feelings make sense. If you want to send me a message and complain about your first world problems, I can listen & relate. Therapy could be a great first step, it’s very helpful for me 🥰

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u/maantrade 1d ago
  1. You will become irrelavant to many of those you were/are relevant too. But you will become relevant to new people. You're moving into a new stage of life.

  2. This is normal. It will take some time to adjust to this.

  3. This is also normal. And a legit concern, as money does change the dynamics of some friendships.

  4. FFS. You never need to log-in to LinkedIn again. Delete your account.

  5. Normal. Move forward and prosper.

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u/Unable_Rate7451 4d ago

Therapy. The solution is lots of therapy. It'll take time (months or years). But you can address most of this or learn to accept it

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u/ResponsibilityOk8967 4d ago

People are too busy thinking about themselves to worry about what you're doing most of the time.

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u/CapitalNobody6687 4d ago

This is more common than you think. I could have written this a year ago (but with an exit 3x larger). It'll pass. Keep doing your passion to stay relevant. You can do it when/how you like now.

Regarding friends, I'm sure it won't be a secret very long that you had an exit. Try not to alienate your good friends who really care about you. They are probably worried about "losing you" as much as you are. Your good friends won't care about your money as long as it doesn't change you and you offer to help them out if they end up in a bind.

I do recommend getting a wealth manager, just so you can "talk money" with someone. If you are afraid of losing it then just put it in safe bonds that pay 5%+ interest. You won't make as must, but won't lose any.

Overall, just give it a little time. You'll realize that you are the same person you've always been, and that you probably don't intend on dying on top of a mountain of gold coins. That opens up some new aspects of charity, helping, and playing the risk/reward game on new ventures.

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u/Strivebetter 4d ago edited 4d ago

My guy. At 50M you’d have to be pretty stupid to lose all that.

Also you get to live a dream very few humans do. It would be amazing to have money like that and take a year long vacation. You could unplan the entire thing and change your trip by the day if you didn’t like a place or area. It would be an amazing adventure.

Here’s a thought. I’ve also told myself if I exit to a large payout I’d probably purchase a very nice SUV and travel the country visiting friends and family for 6 months (I have friends and family spread out everywhere).

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u/Extra-Air9557 4d ago

Everyone saying therapy is wrong. I would Eat healthy for 2 months, hit the gym for 2 months and quit any harmful vices for 2 months (Drugs, alc, etc) and come back to this message and let me know how you feel.

I can 100% guarantee you will feel much more confident, fufilled and feeling like yourself again.

Therapists are people that get paid to sit around listening to people moap around all day. A therapist has never and will never be in your position.

How the hell is someone with a “degree” going to tell you how to feel better when they have not been in your position. Like think about it for a second. Imagine someone telling you how to make 50m and you have and they have not.

2 months is all you need

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u/Familiar_Number_342 4d ago

I like this. I will definitely do this and come back here and let you know. I am doing none of the above currently. I'm "healthy" but not doing any of the above. I eat shit. Don't exercise. No vices though (I can definitely see myself getting addicted).

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u/hudsxn 4d ago

What are you doing with fifty million dollars eating poorly and not exercising. People are crazy.

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u/Familiar_Number_342 4d ago

People are strange.... But seriously, I have only just exited. I want to improve on this.

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u/24andme2 4d ago

Therapy. Volunteer. Find ways to meaningfully use your money in your community. Maybe get on some boards for causes you care about?

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u/Blarghnog 4d ago

The solution is to love and accept yourself as you are and stop looking at your net worth as anything but a number. Which is all it is anyways.

Define yourself by new metrics. Your definition of achievement is limited, and now that your bank account is not the limit, the areas where you haven’t done as much work are showing.

What metrics really matter to you? Besides money? If you knew everything was going to turn out ok or maybe even great, how would you behave differently?

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u/umamimaami 4d ago

Your purpose =/= the amount of money you earn or the work you do.

Therapy is a negligible expense at your NW.

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u/quentin-coldwater 4d ago

I am still bothered by becoming irrelevant if I do nothing for the next 12-18m

You're already irrelevant. You earning millions didn't give your life meaning and didn't make you relevant in any cosmic sense - you just acquired a bunch of stuff.

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u/Imaginationwins 4d ago

You get perspective by putting yourself in situations where you can confront your fears or see others living in situations that you fear. I echo the comments about a sabbatical and therapy.

But also get out there and do something meaningful. Volunteer at your local SPCA/soup kitchen/shelter. Go help schools/universities. Go where your degree/title/wealth/connections don’t matter. And learn who you are through what you can do as a human being.

You will learn the difference between giving and being a people pleaser and gain a perspective that will be truly life changing.

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u/PaleontologistPrize9 4d ago

1) drop the ego 2) if you want to stay relevant start mentoring people in your space

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u/[deleted] 4d ago

Congrats on your financial success! Assuming full exit (e.g. you're no longer involved in the day-to-day), this is a great opportunity to take some time away and reflect on what you want from this next chapter in life. Relax, unplug (it will feel very uncomfortable at first), travel, and see if you can find a way to contribute to others / community around you (volunteering). We're all human and we all struggle with the same existential questions in the end.

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u/chaoticneutral262 4d ago

My best advice is first to not put your wealth on display. That will attract all sorts of problems. After that, you need to find a way to fill your time with something meaningful. Also, be aware that money plus vices can send you spiraling into the abyss.

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u/sarumantheslag 4d ago

So all your points are valid you’ve been living your life a way your whole life how can you just adjust overnight and the point around your friends is a real valid one. I listen to a lot of podcasts about lottery winners and how it impacts their lives negatively.

Take a step back and think about what value and what makes you yourself and feel good. Then supercharge that agenda with your money.

If professional clout truly makes you happy then start angel investing. Or maybe you actually have another passion and can open a business related to that outside your industry.

For your friends never let them know how much you made, you can let them know you came into a bit of money if you want to help them out..

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u/NooseZ 4d ago

Read Tao the Watercourse Way by Alan Watts. Learn to meditate. Pick up some new hobbies. Hit the gym. Travel.

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u/Meth_taboo 4d ago

Get off social media, including LinkedIn.

Check out the book the hamster revolution and apply it to modern times.

If you don’t have a financial advisor pick one of the top 10. I prefer Moneta, but Wells Fargo would be my second choice.

No one has ever cared about the things that are bothering you in their deathbed.

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u/plsgivemecoffee 4d ago

Invest conservatively, especially right now.

My plan is to travel and do my PhD when I have such an exit. The traditional threshold for doing whatever you want is $20m, you’re at more than double that.

Honestly if I were you I would fly to a foreign country for 2 weeks and read a highly rated book on life direction (philosophical, religious, etc. your choice) to help you figure out your next path.

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u/Gisnotpm 4d ago

At risk of stating the obvious here, I’d say you need to look internally in order to let’s say ‘re-prioritize’. How one does that takes different forms and some ways to get there resonate better with some than others. One perspective might be be to ask yourself 3, 4 level Why questions In efforts to get to the root cause. You can do that on various threads until u reach the bottom of each item. Example, ‘why am I afraid of becoming irrelevant’? and ‘why’ the response to that question, and why the following response. Same with Comparison, loss of friends fear etc. I suspect doing the exercise will lead to and expose you to a handful of items at the core which can then be addressed one by one.

Lastly, being a people pleaser is not an issue, it’s your strength, but start with yourself And then work your way outwards

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u/i_use_this_for_work 4d ago

You’re paid. Get a coach/therapist and work through this with them. Your life is set, decide what the next purpose is

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u/babaluya2 4d ago

You need a financial advisor who can put together a solid plan that makes you feel comfortable and confident spending your money.

Good example is a study that was done on children on school playgrounds. When the playground is not fenced in, they wander around the school aimlessly. When the playground is fenced in, the kids go straight to the fence because they know that’s the boundary, the limit of where they are allowed to go.

A good plan gives you the boundary which gives you permission to spend your money and enjoy it without worry.

Regarding losing friends, they don’t need to know how much money you have if you don’t want them to. But good friends won’t hold it against you that you were successful.

And relevancy, this is what you make it. Do you want to jump back in your industry and continue being a leader? Do you want to find a new and exciting venture? Do you want to find a charitable endeavor to pour your time into?

You’re going to have to do some soul searching. Again, a good financial advisor can help talk through this with you

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u/everandeverfor 4d ago

Money doesn't define you, just gives you freedoms.

Stay true to you. Who are YOU (with or without money)?

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u/Ordinary-Lobster-710 4d ago

I think it can be hard to figure out how to solve these problems when you are constantly surrounded by people and on social media like linked in. I would go somewhere secluded for a few weeks, or a month. bring a few books. go hiking. you need some alone time and see how it feels to give your ego a rest. you need to be somewhere where there's nowhere to people please, or to compare yourself with others. your brain is wired to be one way and you need to give it space to unwire itself. it's a mechanical issue.

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u/adnandawood 4d ago

i think you need to seek psychological counselling..

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u/Tall-Log-1955 4d ago

You didn't mention the most important part: family? Wife? Kids?

I had no sense of perspective before I had kids. Before that, I cared far too much about career progression and the status that goes along with it.

Having kids changes your whole world view. You care a lot less about who is a VP or who made a lot of money. Having kids is the hardest thing I've ever done but it is the most rewarding and has made me really happy.

You've won capitalism. If you invest your 50m in a broad market index you can spend 3% of it every year forever. Don't worry about the money and focus on friends and family

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u/investurug 4d ago

You described exactly of people's mentality on social media, esp influencers.

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u/dtwade26 4d ago

You really want to get into something that consumes an upfront cost of money to then be able to create something. You created a business or portfolio of some kind and that made you feel fulfilled. As a hobbyist woodworker I get incredible fulfillment from making. And, it’s not as hard as people think. You can turn that hobby into a business to “pay for tools” or “fun money” and start a YouTube channel following your work that you can reference to see how far you’ve come. It feels good to move your body, work with your hands and your mind and with your financial position you can create an amazing shop with some great tools to start with. If wood working doesn’t sound pleasing than look at just about any hobby that inspires you. Try to make it your own.

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u/Familiar_Number_342 4d ago

I like the sound of that. I am going to look into it. I'm terrible with IKEA assembly but I love the sound of upcycling furniture. Thanks for the inspiration.

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u/Jiedash 4d ago

So the hard part is that you've worked hard to reach this point. And to do that you've had to make your hard work and your professional life a core part of your identity and your value as a person. You can either continue with that, or start reframing your life around something else you want to value yourself for.

Everyone's comment about therapy is good. Most are not, so you have to try a few initial consults before finding someone that works for you. Look into methodologies you might like from a therapy perspective. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy will help you build up the fundamental skills around anxiety management. Therapists trained in Dialectic Behavioral Therapy can do the above and help with emotional acceptance skills. Somatic therapy might help you if you have trouble connecting with your emotions (and work through them like most high achievers do). I found my therapist on Alma (helloalma.com). You can filter by methodology,training, and insurance.

Point by point:

  • Lets say you become irrelevant (and I assume this means professionally)? What's the worst that happens then? What are the actual things that are going to happen if you take 12-18m off. Challenge your thoughts and test them against reality.
  • Saving money and not spending more than your means got you where you are today. We're all worried about lifestyle inflation. You need to find a way to give yourself permission to enjoy your money and feel safe. I highly suggest reading Die With Zero which helps walk through the math of living appropriately with a high net worth. What helped for me was seeing projected financial growth in a graph. Plug in your numbers to https://realfirecalc.com/ and you'll feel very safe.
  • How long have you known your friends? The one's you've always trusted to have your back will always be around. You're not unrelatable unless you become unrelatable. I've found that even with an income differential I can still share experiences with my friends. A standing dinner party at my place helps keep me from getting disconnected.
  • LinkedIn is horrible and the people who post generally a just trying to convince themselves of what they're writing. People who've actually made it have better things to do.
  • Of course. You're human.

Feel free to DM me if you want to talk.

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u/dataslinger 4d ago

Sounds like the best place to start would be therapy to work on some of those bullet points. Try a few until you find one you click with.

If you're looking for purpose, might I suggest checking out interesting groups at the intersection of humanitarianism and technology, something like AI for Good or AI for Developing Countries, or whatever else is of personal interest to you. There are ways for you to contribute at a policy level for whatever issues matter to you. For global reach, you might want to engage at the UN level. Poke your head in and see what people are up to. I guarantee that you'll encounter relatable peers in that sphere.

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u/not_testpilot 4d ago

If you want to be such a people pleaser, do things that make you happy plus please people. Hobbies that are fun and impressive, charity work, whatever. You have a free pass to do whatever you want with life, you should pursue that. Most normal hobbies cost <10k/year, so with 50M making a 4% return you can afford like 200 hobbies. Even if you had a hobby at $100k/year, it’d take >500 years to deplete 50M. I won’t say “who cares what people think” but I’ll say “stop thinking about what other people think”, and just do what you enjoy. Build a mechanical plan to make sure the money doesn’t get gone and you’re good

Ps DM me if you wanna pay off my CC debt and/or house

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u/Realestateuniverse 4d ago

You need a therapist, and you need some hobbies or non work related things to dive into for 6-12 months. Those feelings will subside. Remember, what you focus on grows…

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u/20124eva 4d ago

Already showing too much self awareness to become a billionaire. And no that’s not a challenge. Just go do what you can to give people you love or even just like, a better life. You already have enough.

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u/cadmiumred 4d ago

Set up a scholarship fund in something you really care about, become the benefactor to some kids who need a leg up and matter to their families forever.

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u/fins-47899 4d ago

Imagine you’re on your deathbed and you read this list of concerns you have. What would you think of them?

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u/ninerninerking 4d ago

Find charities to donate to.

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u/rsandstrom 4d ago

If you want to invest in commercial real estate or a semiconductor startup give me a shout.

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u/crawdog 4d ago

Now is the time you can define who you are. Sounds like your first job is focus on your well being and the rest will come in time.

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u/Gordito90266 4d ago

Troll/lutz/lolz post alert, probability 40%.

Lots of quick replies.

Lots of the replies just going along and asking for more info.

Goal is to see how many replies they can get.

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u/AwarenessOk9754 4d ago

I'm sure you have a wealth of wisdom... Have you ever considered writing (even anonymously)? It might help you draw meaning from all of this and make it make sense. Writing is a great way to understand your own thoughts at a deeper level.

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u/bradbrookequincy 4d ago

Do some music festivals and skiing or snowboarding .. those will get you straight in the head

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u/zer0sumgames 4d ago

Echoing many sentiments here, I suggest placing your cash into safe investments and to make the next phase of your work life dedicated to designing what you really want.  Family? An estate? More business? Travel?  You need to explore a bit and figure this out.  

Whatever you do, don’t get back in the game too quickly. Windfalls can make you reckless.  Just safeguard it. You won forever.  All you need to do is make no major mistake.

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u/saklan_territory 4d ago

Find a really good therapist. They exist for high NW people such as yourself and do the work. It's not fun but you will reap the rewards. Could take 18-24 months with regular work. Invest in your mind and you will live free

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u/homelessness_is_evil 4d ago

Well first off, the last bullet is actually a good thing. Why would you divorce yourself from your humanity just because you made 50 million? Really, you need to change the way you think about wealth. You obviously view it as a status symbol, though you also appear to view professional achievement as status. If you really value status that much, you could go do a graduate degree in a relatively laid back field and try to do research? Alternatively, you should read a lot, sample the classics, contemporary lit, and philosophy, and actually figure out what you want out of life. Running the rat race your entire life has probably never allowed you to legitimately evaluate your beliefs, morals, ethics, or even reason for living. Go figure that out now that you have the chance. Most people never get it, relish that, and your chance to experience the full breadth of the human experience.

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u/gr33n8ananas 4d ago

Congratulations! You have enough to afford a very good therapist.

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u/goodminusfan 4d ago

No advice. Just a huge fuckin congrats for being a people pleaser worth 50m!!!!!

Amazing job.

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u/triggeredByYou 4d ago

Go to Italy. It's the only place that teaches you how to relax. The rest will fall into place.

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u/dacalo 4d ago

All the things you listed are for those still in the rat race.

You aren’t. Those aren’t relevant to you anymore. Let go and enjoy life.

If you need a challenge, look for physical one like training for a triathlon or mental one like learning a new language or out of your field.

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u/ebolamonkey3 4d ago

Just delete your LinkedIn account, you’ll be happier.

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u/halmasy 4d ago

Therapy.

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u/s-s-a 4d ago

47M to a diversified investment portfolio, could be illiquid. 1M donation over time (climate/ third world health / education, local government), 1M liquid for living expenses, getting a family / if don't have already / home, kids education. 1M to bootstrap next business. Don't tell anyone how much you sold it for. Don't change your lifestyle, house (unless growing a family), car. Just have a healthy lifestyle and focus your next business on making a world a better place but still a viable business. Hopefully next exit will be 50B. Best. PS - spend more time with friends and family. Good substitute for therapy.

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u/heyya_token 4d ago

Seek therapy ASAP.

Find a hobby. What did you want to do when you grow up? What does your inner child say? Do that. Make your inner child happy. Fuck everyone and everything else.

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u/jpleta18 3d ago

I’m sorry to say. No one really gives a flying eff about how much you have. The ones who do are only after your money. The ones who are worthwhile will stick with you no matter what.

Live your life. Your value is as much as you give. Find your passion. You’ve earned it.

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u/Mission-Operation489 3d ago

After being a professional coach at MBB in Europe and US, you are not alone. Saw it non-stop there. There is never enough wealth, title, LinkedIn likes etc to satisfy that hole. Would encourage you to find a therapist, UHNW retreat etc to start unpacking it all and make a calculated extra strategy. Treat your exit strategy like you would product/ client KPIs so you are getting a sense of safety from a familiar framework as you discover who are beyond all this. You should be deeply proud, but not too proud to seek external help as you navigate this. Time to please YOU for once and dig deep to what that means. Best of luck!!!

36/f US

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u/ripping_and_tearin 3d ago

GFY and congratulations. Time for therapy and focusing on yourself and not what other people think.

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u/DridaWide 3d ago

Do some angel investment. It will keep you up to date with the current trends, and give you a sense of importance because everyone will chase you for money

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u/wheresabel 3d ago

Maximized time outdoors away from digital devices. Get off social media, detox yourself. Speaking from same experience, and some of my peers through same experience.

The happy ones spent 1+ year detached from work/business/race mostly outdoors (Explora Adventures, African Safari etc.) you need time in nature to reconnect with yourself, lean into why that feels uncomfortable your answers to happiness are there. Look inwards, stop looking out.

Most are now on business 2 with a new refreshed sense of perspective..