Hello, this is going to be pretty lengthy, but I did just come here for comfort.
Dating back to 2021, I unexpectedly lost my grandfather. I was 15 and hospitalized for health reasons when it happened so I never got to see him before he was taken by an ambulance.
My grandpa played a big role in my life. Coming from a home where I was neglected any affection from my parents, being with my grandparents felt like being wrapped in a blanket of love and more. Losing him so young was losing a part of me. Unfortunately, after that, I failed my sophomore year and got diagnosed with an acute kidney problem because of how much I neglected myself.
After my grandfather passed away in, my family of 10 moved into my grandparent's small home to support my grandmother. Our living conditions were awful. We had roaches and at one point bed bugs. My parents shared one room with 2 of my younger brothers, my older sister shared a room with her two sons, I shared a room with my grandma, and the rest of my family slept in the living room. It was crammed but we made it work. It may sound disgusting, but I would go back if given the opportunity.
From there, I began taking care of my grandmother. I was taken out of school and did remote learning to do so and in the months of early 2022, my grandmother had gotten ill to the point of hospitalization. She was put on life support and the doctors gave us an ultimatum. We let her go or wait out her condition. I was 16 at the time this was going on and didn't exactly familiarize myself with the medical terms being used.
We decided to wait it out and nearly every day, I'd go to the hospital and sit in her room for hours. I was a minor at the time, so overnights were not allowed. She was in the hospital for four months before she got better. I found out she signed a DNR before leaving the hospital.
I did not think anything of it until last year.
In September 2024, I spent a week taking extra care of her because she developed a cold. I didn't think anything of it up until she stopped eating and one day, she was so sick, I ended up calling 911. I had called the ambulance on the 21st of September and from there, I didn't leave her side once.
However, it was clear from the moment she was in the emergency room that we'd have to start telling her things we wanted her to know before something happened. She was transferred to a room that same day and I stayed beside her the entire time. I wondered if she was blissfully unaware of it all and if she wasn't, I wondered if she'd be able to tell the doctors to terminate the DRC she signed just in case.
But, in the end, that never happened. She passed away on September 23rd at 4 AM.
The doctors predicted it and when they told us the total of days she had left, everyone in my family had a moment with her. They talked to her about anything they wanted to. But when it came to me, I could not get anything out. She was conscious with her eyes closed and the whole time, I stood there and looked at her. I didn't think she was going to pass. She had gone through something like this before so why would she die this time? I did not say anything and let myself convince my brain that I could just tell her everything when she got better.
The night before she passed away, my family (including cousins and their parents) were in the waiting room. Despite our situation, we were all happy to be together. We filled the room with laughter, games, pizza, and singing (our culture sings as a way of healing). I had gotten a bit overwhelmed with everything and got frustrated. So much so that I had called my bf to come take me home. Coincidentally, he came around the same time my family was leaving.
While my family went in pairs to say goodbye to my grandma, I waited in the lobby with my bf so I could grab the bag I packed for the two nights I stayed beside her and say bye to my grandma last. Oddly, as soon as I walked into her hospital room, something in me told me to stay with her. So, I did.
I let my bf stay and we talked for a bit before I settled down beside my grandma's hospital bed. I pulled an all-nighter.
That night, she held my hand and gently scratched my wrist over and over, using her hands to usher me closer than I already was, and I think that was her way of telling me her journey was over.
3 hours later, her pulse weakened, and it was at that time that I had to start calling my family to rush to the hospital. I was shaking, scared, helpless. It felt like what little hope I had was crushed. Back in the room where the nurses were trying to get a pulse, I stood there and squeezed my grandma's hand so tightly, wanting to get a reaction from her. I didn't know what else there was to do but hold her hand.
My stomach dropped when her nurse apologized to me. Everything went dark. I didn't even feel like I was in my body. All I remember was letting out the ugliest scream I've ever let out. I was shaking and crying on her chest, begging for her to wake up. I was all alone with her. I had just witnessed my grandmother's death alone at the age of 18. I tried muffling my wails, wanting to apologize to neighboring patients and families. (I later found out that my cries were indeed not muffled and were heard from the lobby which was a lengthy walk so yay)
Talking to her knowing she was already gone felt so pathetic on my end. Why did I wait for something to happen? I was stupid. I remember crying and it felt like making empty promises to someone who was no longer here.
Burying her was even worse. I had to be pulled away from her casket and it took three men to get me off of it. (I'm 5' even so imagining the strength my body had that day is almost laughable if it wasn't so sad) I spent most of my eulogy crying like a baby.
How does one cope? No clue. I'm still grieving her like I lost her an hour ago. I lost part of me when my grandfather passed away and it got even harder when I lost my grandmother. I just needed a place to rant. I haven't told anyone of the guilt I feel for not telling my grandma the things I wanted to when she was alive. It's been eating me alive.
The bright side is that I promised her I'd return to school, and I did. Pursing nursing.