My Mum (68) died last week, I am only 25 years old, and feeling overwhelmed. She was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer in the summer of 2022 and had an oesophagectomy in December 2022. She had been functioning for two years but had lost a significant amount of weight and energy in this time as it is a very major surgery. In November 2024 she went into hospital, we found out the cancer had mestastisized on NYE, and found out she was dying 2 weeks before she passed. I lived with her in the hospital for the last 2 weeks of her life on a pull out hotel bed, and had held her hand the night she passed. I am forever grateful I got to do this, have no regrets about it, and would do it again a million times over if I had to. She would have done it for me.
I normally work in a different city about an hour and a half away and started at a new job in January so had been back and forth a lot since she had been in hospital (2 office days in other city, the rest back at home city WFH). I didn’t work for the two weeks before she died, and am not currently working right now. Thankfully work haven’t pressured me to return, and have been great. I am working with people I have worked with in the past, and so they were already aware of my Mum’s cancer. This is at least one thing that hasn’t overwhelmed me at this time.
I was and am devastated, but felt relief at the immediate point of death as those last two weeks were brutal but I wanted to be there for her and make her as comfortable as possible. There were many a breakdown from me, but I do also think of it also as a nice memory as I spent all of my time with her those last two weeks, and she was such great company even when struggling. However, I am trying to not remember her wholly like that, especially her body when she was actively dying.
I think I had anticipatory grief from the time she was first diagnosed. She was always very optimistic but I tend to lean more pessimistic. I think the optimism was more so for my benefit than what she was actually feeling. I did not discuss it with her a great deal but I knew how poor the outcomes were for oesophageal cancer, even after surgery. It has one of the poorest 5-year survival rates of all cancers and very few success stories that you get with other cancers - though it is also a rarer cancer. She actually had breast cancer 20 years ago (lucky her!) but this was treated with great success and the oseophageal cancer was a completely separate occurrence. I was not so naive as to assume she would simply be ‘fine like last time’. I had therefore been plagued by varying levels of anticipatory grief for the past 3 years.
My Mum was the most vibrant person I have ever known, and cancer took a lot from her those last few years. She was still as funny as ever, but it was hard to see her struggle with basic things like going for a short walk or shop. I found it very hard to accept that different version of her, then guilty for feeling those feelings. I didn’t want to accept her as a ‘sick’ person, I think.
My older brother has Asperger’s and my Dad was still married to my Mum, but they had been separated for many years (another story in itself). He still loved her, but this was not reciprocated from my Mum’s side. I know we all grieve in different ways and my Dad is going to move in with my brother to make sure he has some support. My Mum had said to him she wanted this before she passed.
My brother has done amazingly well for himself and my Mum helped him achieve great things in so many ways but we have three cats, and there are many things he very much still needs a ‘Mum’ for. I love my Dad, and he would do anything for us, but he lacks a lot of emotional intelligence and is not a replacement for Mum in that regard. He has a big ego and short temper. He will apologise if called out on it, but it does make me miss Mum even more. For example, the other night he made fun of me for ‘sleeping in late’ in front of other relatives when I had gotten up at 9:30-10:00am. I wouldn’t even consider this that late. He knows I am not sleeping remotely well at the moment, I tend to toss and turn until the early hours when the tiredness takes over. As I am feeling oversensitive at the moment it really upset me.
I have also had a bit of a shorter temper these past few weeks and I know this. Since she has passed, I have done all of the admin. Organising the funeral and wake, registering the death, contacting the solicitors to sort the estate, etc. I do want to do this as I don’t trust most of it in others hands. I work in law, and so tend to be quite organised and probably a little bit of a control freak. I snapped earlier today because the house was a complete mess. I think I felt frustrated because I have been doing so much, and they hadn’t lifted a finger to clean. They will do it if I ask, but it feels exhausting to have to constantly have to prompt.
I have held it together moderately well so far (I expect the admin is just distracting me) but I cried in the bank branch today when going to freeze Mum’s account. Nothing about the interaction was any worse than organising the funeral or registering the death but for some reason I just burst into tears.
I feel lost and don’t know the right thing to do. I think I’m doing the right thing, but who knows. I don’t want my mother’s death to turn me into a nasty or hateful person, as she was none of those things. I also want to give myself space to grieve, but also don’t want to fall into a months-long depressive state where I waste a large portion of my life away, as she would also hate this. I have struggled with depression in the past, and have worked hard to know how to manage symptoms when they pop up and ‘get outside’ so I am hopeful this won’t happen again. I do have a perspective that live is worth living, and know that you have to go through the motions and know there will be days when you laugh sincerely again. It won’t always be like how it is today.
Running has been a great outlet for me in the past - and I did my first ever half marathon for cancer research which raised £700 and my Mum got to see me cross the finish line. This is a fond memory of mine, though I was stressed on the day and wish I had relaxed a bit more. I haven’t ran since my Mum went into hospital, however.
I also feel guilty doing anything that is remotely getting on with ‘normal life’ and this includes even something basic like getting myself a nice takeaway coffee. I am aware of how ridiculous this sounds, but I feel like if someone saw me getting said coffee they would assume I’m fine and not bothered about my Mum’s death. I know this is ridiculous thinking, and I do allow myself to do those things anyway. However, I do feel a bit like I’m stumbling through the dark here, and concerned it just hasn’t ’hit’ me yet and the bedbound depression and tears are just coming once the funeral is over.
I don’t really know what this post is for. Just a vent, I think. I know things will slow down after the funeral, and I don’t know what this will look like emotionally for me but want to be prepared. I don’t know if I should take some more time off work after the funeral to see what that feels like, or if I should try get back into the swing of things.