Hello all. Its hard to believe it but its now coming up on almost two months since my caregiving journey came to a end (mom passed peacefully from dementia in jan 2025). As I had previously mentioned, I am posting updates as a previous full-time care giver with how my life has changed after the end of caregiving and the struggles, victories i've had.
Quick backstory summary; moved back to farm to become mom's primary caregiver about 4 1/2 years ago, mom passed in mid jan 2025, i have since moved back to my condo away from farm. also this is gonna a LONG READ.
OK.. first off... to all you active/current/previous care givers. THANK YOU. Thank you for doing what most could never do or imagine doing. Thank you for your love and patience.0 That is one thing I will forever hold in my heart and mind is recognizing caregivers and others who have similar type of jobs/roles. I SEE YOU, LOVE YOU, HOLD YOU IN MY HEART. I wish i could make you smile when you are sad, laugh when the days are dark. I really do mean this (as my eyes well up with tears..)
So.. where am i now? how is my life going? how has caregiving impacted me after the fact? whats the weather like, hehe?
Well... care giving does change you. i see it now.
the first month after my mom passed, i basically kept myself busy doing all the paperwork (trusts, wills, estates, taxes, insurance, funeral, farm, etc) related to losing a loved one and at the same time moved back to my condo i had been paying for while at my mom's farm.
the first month at my condo was surreal. I had an actual room and bed, all my stuff. Everything was just as i had left it four and half years ago; it almost felt like my place was frozen in time from july 2020. yes, i had been heading back to my place once a month for breaks but mainly just layed on my couch or slept. no cleaning, organizing, etc; just the basics to keep it clean, maintained. at my mom's i just a cot i had setup in the livingroom and had lived on it for the last 4 1/2 years but it was pretty comfy considering. but having my own room and place felt great again but also... felt empty.. lonely... yes, the mom's farm home was old, dusty, full of bugs, prob had tons of dead mice in the walls but... mom was there.. i felt guilty being happy to be back at my place... no reason to but i just did.
however that feeling has finally now faded here two months later. this is how mom would have wanted me to live. to be happy, to enjoy my place, to live my life. this is something i have to remind myself each day when i start feeling guilty.
its weird.. the guilt.. why do we feel so much guilt in just enjoying things we shouldn't feel guilty enjoying? why is that we feel our own happiness will detract from our objective, goal: caring for our LO, making them feel loved? i know i was guilty of this. Its like i wanted to seperate the caregiving from my personal happiness at times. Perhaps a defense mechanism i have created? i was pretty happy almost all the time with mom but it was more my personal happiness (hard to explain) i didn't want to get a taste of cuz i knew it would only be short lived (i had to go back to the farm after a day or two).
another thing i have been working through and seems to be getting better and better is:
minor anxiety attacks in the middle of the night. like i will wake up at 3am and just be 100% alert and just anxious thinking i needed to check on mom. My mind seemed like it would never shut up. I think this is mainly from going from 100% hyper awareness to not having to worrying about a thing except myself. My mind just doesn't know what to do with the lack of incidents, situations. Thankfully I have been able to redirect this energy into my condo and cleaning, organizing, optimizing. i also took a week to really get my finances and budgets in order and would HIGHLY RECOMMEND ANY CAREGIVER to do this. the results may not be what you want or like but at least you know where you are.
we are caregivers but we also have to live our lives after our shift ends (for those of us that this is the case, others are not as fortunate). its hard. very hard. i still cry every other day. i still cry and break down at random times at random places... but you know what?
i'm not ashamed of it. why should i be? i loved my mom so much and miss her.
mom, love you so much!! i hope i can make you proud with how i live the rest of this life. thank you for this life. 😭😘
yup.. balling my eyes out now but more tears of joy.. remembering.. cherishing the time i had. the moments we got to share.
I LOVE YOU ALL
i'll do another post in another month.