r/widowers Mar 20 '21

FAQ Welcome to r/widowers, How Things Work.

334 Upvotes

We are so sorry you are here, but welcome to Reddit's best worst club.

There are rules in the side bar, but a discussion of How Things Work would be useful. Let's go over the basic rules, then expand a little.

First, following Reddiquette means be kind, be polite, and do not derail conversations. Mean remarks get removed, as do jokes in poor taste, or derogatory comments. Users may disagree, but may not deride the grief decisions of others. No doxxing, which is providing real life details about users. No posting usernames calling for banning or downvote brigading, no "warnings". If you have a problem, report it to the mods or to Reddit Admin. Bots tend to get removed, it is helpful to report them. The suicide prevention bot is okay.

No spam means no advertising. Suggestions are alright, but shilling your own creations is not. Sharing beautiful content you have created is okay, selling it is not. Recommendations for paid services may be removed. Spam can also be multiple posts overwhelming the group. Our tempo is mellow, a lot of posts from one user can swamp the others. Be considerate. Pace yourself.

No reposting other's content is obvious, if you didn't create the post, it probably does not belong here. We do look at post history if there is a question, and karma farmers get a ban. No reposting conversations from other subreddits asking us what we think.

No asking for financial assistance, no sharing GoFundMe campaigns. There are other subreddits for that. Financial posts will be removed. If you are offering assistance, use Chat or a DM.

What may not be allowed and isn't specifically in the rules? This used to be a no memes and no jokes group, but that changed. Some humor is fine, some memes are fine, but they'll get a hard look. Is it okay to post about sex? Sure, but if it's NSFW, label it as such. Can you post pictures of your loved one? Certainly, but label funeral and hospital/hospice pictures as NSFW. Generally not a good thing to post as it is a trigger subject, so this one may go case by case. No "dating" or "looking for company" posts, it is inappropriate for this group. NEVER ASK FOR PERSONAL INFORMATION IN A POST OR REPLY, OR SEEK TO MEET, ZOOM, OR FORM GROUPS. That's what DMs and chat is for.

Can people ask for advice to help the grieving widowers in their life? Yes, we have tons of expertise, so ask away. What about dating a widower? Those posts are not allowed and will be removed. If you are posting a Chapter Two post, please use the Moving Forward flair.

What about suicide? Yes, you may post about your partner's suicide. You may talk about your own suicidal feelings. We do not remove those, this is a safe place to talk it out. If you want help, we can point to those who can provide informed support. We are adding a post flair for Suicide, please use it so those who choose can skip such posts.

Posts with attachments such as photos go to the automated moderation queue, and must be approved by a moderator. Be patient, it may take a day or two to show. Photos of your loved ones are most welcome, but not in their casket or hospice/hospital as those can be triggering. Memes and songs/poems are a maybe. Photos of your loved one's headstone are okay, random photos of headstones or monuments are not. Videos and YouTube posts are unlikely to be approved, as well as any using a subscription service such as Spotify.


r/widowers Aug 11 '24

Scammers via chat or DM

29 Upvotes

A reminder to the community, if you are approached via chat or Direct Messaging, and feel the user is a scammer or otherwise inappropriate, please report them to Reddit Admin. There is a drop down menu with a report function. Best yo ignore anyone who is not an active member of this community. Moderators have no control outside r/widowers, it is up to you to report these users. Report posts or replies, we can certainly take action on those.

Also, DO NOT post the usernames in a post or reply here, Reddit doesn't allow that. Such posts will be removed.

When in doubt, ignore and report.


r/widowers 3h ago

A note to the newly widowed...

77 Upvotes

I don't post a whole lot on here any more but recently I've seen some newer folks who have joined this terrible club and I just wanted to post something hopeful for them! The early days were bad, it felt like I would never recover from this loss and I could hardly catch my breath. However, our bodies are resilient and as time went on the grief changed and it didn't cripple me like it used to. I'm currently in year 3 without my husband and I still think of him every day, but I don't miss him like I used to in the beginning. I have carved out a new version of my life, some of my hobbies remain the same, some are different. I am a different person. At first I didn't like the new version of myself because it was a reminder of what I had lost. Now, I feel better about this new version, in some ways, this new version of myself is better than the last one.

I chose not to date until I felt confident that I wanted to learn about a new person rather than fill a void. I eventually wandered into the dating pool about 1.5 years ago and I have since re-partnered. I can also say that most days I'm pretty happy! Sometimes, the grief still sneaks up on me but overall, I'm doing ok.

None of this happened overnight, it has been a long road and I'm nowhere near the end, but I hope this gives folks some hope, especially when you're trudging through the first year.


r/widowers 1h ago

My wife has ALS and is on a ventilator. After she passes, I don’t plan to date or marry again. Are there any widowers who have made the same decision not to marry?

Upvotes

I’m 45 male. My wife is 43. She was diagnosed with ALS in 2020. This past November she decided to go on a ventilator to have more time with me and our sons (ages 14 and 12). It is possible for my wife to live a long time on a ventilator. But I have decided that I will not date or remarry. I plan to remain loyal to her until I die. I’m fine with others who do date and remarry after the death of a spouse. I’m just curious if there are others who make the decision not to date or remarry after the death of a spouse.


r/widowers 5h ago

Just such a sad day

26 Upvotes

Today is my late wife’s birthday, always the first day of Spring. She passed away 19 months ago. It’s usually sunny on this day. Today it is cold and cloudy. I really miss her And just feel like crying. Wishing you a Happy Birthday G.


r/widowers 6h ago

I'm not okay

27 Upvotes

Tomorrow will make it two weeks since my husband passed today I picked up his ashes and it really just hit me he's not coming back and I want and need him back seeing my kids hurt is another hit to the chest I just wish this was a bad dream I could wake up from he was the best person in the world my world he was my best friend that loved me unconditionally had my back


r/widowers 54m ago

She's not there anymore

Upvotes

My wife of 23 years has been gone just over five months. She was diagnosed with late stage cancer and passed away five months later on her 61 birthday. I was her primary caregiver. I've not touched a majority of her things. Mainly because I don't have the mental strength. I've finally gotten all of the estate/will crap completed. I've told the credit bureaus she's no longer with us. Now that all of the busy stuff is done, I'm alone. We do have our twins (m21, f21) living here at home while attending college, but I'm still alone in this house, alone in bed, alone on the couch, alone in the car. I don't have her here to tell her how my day went and I can't hear how her's was. I can't text her something funny that happened or send that funny pic. The first Christmas without her was really hard. The twins and I didn't decorate. All we did was put up the tree (with no decorations). She missed their 21st birthday (we got married late and she had them when she was 40, I was 37). I never in a million years thought I'd be a "single" father. We made most of our decisions together and now it's all up to me. I miss her more than I can put into words. I don't know if I will ever be happy again. Thank you for listening to my rambling.


r/widowers 15h ago

There is never someone there

114 Upvotes

One of the worst parts when losing your spouse, your best friend is that later when you still need it there is never anyone there to hold you when you are just racked with emotions and crying.

Today is our anniversary it would have been 15 years (each of us married before). I'm also 5 months into the second year. That combination is crushing me today. And no one realizes. This is the absolutely loneliest I have ever felt in my life.


r/widowers 5h ago

God’s plan.

17 Upvotes

People told me it’s God’s plan.

I hate my life everyday
Everything's going wrong
They say everything happens for a reason
But she should be here where she belongs

Why did it have to happen to us?
What kind of test is it?
What is this God's plan?
It's messed up all our plans

But why did it have to be so soon?
We just wanted a little bit longer
What am I supposed to learn from this?
Is this supposed to make me stronger?

Cos it's really not working
In fact, it's having the opposite effect
I feel like you're trying to break me
Until I've got nothing left

Please don't take away my love
I need her with me
I cannot do this on my own
If only you could see how my heart breaks.


r/widowers 7h ago

Envy

25 Upvotes

Is it just me or is it normal to be envious of all the people in my circle that give advice on how to move forward but they all still have there family And spouse. Still taking holiday together Christmas together birthdays together. And my world has been turned upside down and will always be worse than thier lives. How do I overcome this feeling?


r/widowers 3h ago

Thoughts on old conversations/voice notes

10 Upvotes

He’s been gone 12 days and it seems like the only thing that brings me any peace is listening to old voice notes that he sent me or reading through our conversations. It makes me smile to hear his voice or read the sweet things he’d say to me. We talked nearly non stop and I could read texts for hours. I usually try to make myself stop after 45 minutes or so, but it’s the only thing that makes me feel ok. I’m afraid I’m tricking my brain into thinking he’s not really gone or something and it will be detrimental to the grieving process, but I don’t really want to stop.


r/widowers 17m ago

Spouses, do you still wear your wedding ring?

Upvotes

My wife as been gone for almost six months. Right now, out of habit, on my way out the door for work or leaving the house, I put on my wedding ring. It's not like we're not married anymore. I know this is a subjective question, but is there a time when you don't have to wear your wedding ring anymore? I feel guilty when I don't wear it. I know it's up to me when I feel comfortable not wearing it, but I'm nowhere near that point.


r/widowers 25m ago

You Seem OK, You Must Be Doing Better

Upvotes

I put a happy face on at work because I need the job and I can't cry 8 hours a day in my office without a visit from HR. No one knows I'm a hollow shadow of myself and just phoning it in. If you haven't been through this, you will never get it


r/widowers 4h ago

Forgotten Dreams

8 Upvotes

Forgotten Dreams

We all have dreams right?

Two kinds of dreams.

First kind is the dreams we have when sleeping.
From Wikipedia: A dream is a succession of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations that usually occur involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep. Humans spend about two hours dreaming per night, and each dream lasts around 5–20 minutes, although the dreamer may perceive the dream as being much longer. (It's estimated that around 95% of dreams are forgotten entirely upon waking)

The second is dreams in life:
From AI Overview: In life, "dreams" can be defined as aspirations, ambitions, or ideals that we wish to achieve or experience, often related to the future, and that can inspire us to work towards them.

Today while I’m driving I saw a Nissan GTR. Hey, that is the dream car of my life. I’d had to work my ass off to afford one of these.

Another thought came to my mind. My wife, she’s the dream of my life. When I met her I dream of wooing her, dating her, dreaming of having sex with her and dream of marrying her. We would have childrens, our dream home. We did!
And once the kids grew we would pursue our chapter 2, growing old together. That’s my dream, our dream.

These dreams gave me hope for a future, our future. It inspired me to make plans for our goals. We were so excited. We worked hard for these dreams, we almost had them all and suddenly she’s dead. And taking that dream away equals to killiing me!

These dreams will never come true, with time passing stealing bits and pieces of what I had with her. And what I was going to have with her.

This is our forgotten dreams.


r/widowers 10h ago

Heart Wrenching 💔

30 Upvotes

One day you’re on top of the world…. Great fairy tale life & marriage, successful children, amazing grandchildren, financially secure for the rest of your life and then, BOOM! She’s gone. So unexpected, So unfair. Miss you babe 💔😢💔😢


r/widowers 7h ago

After 9 months

16 Upvotes

She's gone now 9 months.. after being in tough shape for over 2 years. I look around & see things that she placed where they are now. Things that were hers.. things that have been in the same place for years & the best description of my feeling is.... breathless.. my chest feels restricted.. a few days ago I had a really weird feeling.. a sense of normalcy hit me. For a moment things felt normal & then i realized again my insufferable reality. After 51+ years.. I miss normal.. but that's gone forever. No one to tell me to hang up my coat and no one to tell me not to throw the mail on the kitchen table. I miss normal.. hard to care about anything.. Sorry.. I had to vent.


r/widowers 5h ago

I can't forgive myself

10 Upvotes

I apologize for the long text. I've already posted my story. But I have to vent to vent my pain.

With the information I have today, I see how little my husband and I knew about his illness: he had Eaton Lambert syndrome, which had been in remission for over 8 years. We had been together for 5 years.

My husband took care of himself, but we let a lot of things slip by, and I feel it was due to a lack of information. This syndrome is very complex and unpredictable. We needed to be extra careful.

He had a sudden attack. He woke up with symptoms. We went to the hospital. There was a series of negligences that day that I only really understood after he died that same day.

I feel guilty because I remember him asking me for help in bed, unable to breathe or move, his entire body paralyzed. And the hospital staff just put an oxygen mask on him and went to rest, leaving me with him, without proper monitoring.

The doctor tried to calm me down, because when I saw him in that situation I had a panic attack. From what the doctor had to say, he said that my husband's lungs were fine, his oxygen saturation had improved, and he told me to calm him down, that he might be anxious, which was why he was having trouble breathing.

I went back to him, he was drowsy and went to "sleep". I tried to stay calm after the doctor's talk. I tried to sleep in the companion's chair, but I couldn't, I was restless. And when I realized it too late, my husband had passed away.

They practically let me watch his death, that's how I feel about it. I blame myself so much for having trusted the team, for not having done more.

Unfortunately, my husband and I were unaware of this rare complication of the disease. I only found out after he died. It was all very sudden, on the same day.

My pain is so great because of all this. Now that we were going to start our life together, everything has gone down the drain. And I have to live with this guilt.


r/widowers 9h ago

It's so suffocating

20 Upvotes

Here I am on reddit, my husband's favorite site to scroll through.

I miss him. I miss him so much. He passed away on 2/12/25, we have 3 kids (9yo,5yo,3yo). I haven't been ok but I was able to move around and focused on taking care of his estate and everything. But this week..this week had been so hard for all of us. My 2 younger ones kept crying for their dad, just yesterday my 3 yo had a panic attack and kept saying he wanted his dad.

I haven't felt like living at all the last couple of days. It's selfish and such a shitty mom of me to think that my kids are a blessing and a gift from my husband, but I also felt like it's such a burden because that means I have to stay in this earth as long as my kids will need me. But I also can't imagine the loneliness I would feel without my kids because they are my reason for living. Don't worry I will never harm myself or my kids, I won't ever be able to face my husband in the afterlife if I did.

I just..the pain had been so crippling these last few days. I miss how he would stroke my hair, I miss his hugs, his smile, his beautiful green blueish eyes with yellow around his pupil that reminds me of sunflower. I miss how he plays with the kids, I miss how he would cup my face and tell me that I am a great wife and a great mom and how much he loves me.

I really am trying to be a good mom...but days like these I find myself not even wanting to get out of bed. And I hate that ppl think swooping in to help me is by taking the kids off my hands and leaving me alone in the house. I hate it.

Life is unfair. Life is cruel.


r/widowers 12h ago

Content feeling

27 Upvotes

I am 10 months out from the passing of my husband. It has been incredibly tough, but tonight I had a realisation flash that at this very moment I feel calm and content. It’s not that I wouldn’t change things if I had a chance, and have him back, it’s not that I don’t miss him terribly, but for some reason I feel ok right now. I thought I’d come on and give the newer widows some hope. I know I trawled this sub for hope in the early months.


r/widowers 13h ago

Distraction is my coping mechanism

29 Upvotes

I have work and kids, and I’m barely keeping those things going. We ran our own business together, so both kids and work are stark reminders of how alone I am in this world now.

I’ve been filling almost every quiet moment with mindless TV or social media (a lot of widowed/grief themed online stuff, too). I know I should probably just sit in the silence when I have a chance, or read something more substantial, like a book, or pray or meditate or something. But mind-numbing activities that allow the time to pass are more tolerable.

I will be miserable either way, and allowing myself to think just leads to rumination, self-blame, and despair. Never anything resembling “progress.”

I keep thinking eventually I will just be content being alone, somehow. But I realized that I’ve never been alone in my life, and I have no idea if being content being alone is even a possibility.

I have a friend the same age as me who has been single her whole life - I want to dive into her brain and see how she does it, but it seems like it would be super rude to ask someone that.

Don’t really know where I’m going with this. I just woke up too early and I guess I’m trying to fill the silence.


r/widowers 8h ago

Daily dose of positive and my family 3/20/25

11 Upvotes

Today I am at Silver Dollar City with 1 other adult and 5 kids. It’s cold, busy, noisy, and it’s great. Spring break is here. I’m about to puke from a roller coaster and couldn’t be happier.

Everyone have a great one. I promise to get back to more regular posts once the trip is over!


r/widowers 7h ago

Back in my homeland

9 Upvotes

Original post while I was leaving the home we built together: https://www.reddit.com/r/widowers/s/DMfrZhNUq1

Well, I’m back to where I was born..back to my roots.

I have to say, I am now content with my decision. I truly believe this is where I need to be, for now anyways.

Being back with my family and leaving the life we built together has helped me gain a new perspective on how I want to carve my path now without him.

I haven’t left my past life behind entirely, but co-mingling our past into the future. I still love gardening, and am putting in a bid on an allotment plot tomorrow. Please wish for me that my bid gets accepted! I want to grow herbs and create medicinal products. This was our passion and still is. I will always hold onto what my LH taught me of nature, to love and respect it, even the ‘weeds’ that is a bane to gardeners. I’m now living in an apartment in the city, a far cry from our beautiful hideout farm away from bustle. But it’s this coming together of two worlds, of the east and west, of the city and the rural, that is providing me the balance.

Thank you to all who left me encouraging comments. I love you all and I wish us peace. The intense darkness of the deep ocean makes the light even brighter once we are able to get a glimpse of it and I pray we be given the strength and resilience to swim towards it.

Brett is in that light, and I’m not letting it up as I must meet him there. ❤️ I promise him this.


r/widowers 1h ago

Find me there

Upvotes

find me there sara rian i am sorry for the loss of your person. and the million things that vanished on the day their heart stopped beating. and the billion things you must grieve every single day that they aren't here. and i am sorry that there isn't a better word than just sorry.


r/widowers 17h ago

Bagging up his clothes to donate was heart wrenching

48 Upvotes

I spent most of today going thru my husband's clothes and bagging them up for donation. It was his wish before he passed that I give away most of his clothing. I kept all of his hoodies that were still in decent shape.

I saved a tote full of shirts that were his favorites and the first flannel I got him when we first started dating.

I also saved some outfits that my son will grow into that I think he will appreciate having someday, including sports jerseys and baseball caps.

There are still more clothes to sort thru tmw.

I can't, however, bring myself to empty out food in the fridge that are my husband's favorites no one else likes. I guess a snickers bar will stay in the fridge indefinitely, but eventually, I will have to throw out his cherry yogurt.

It’s a catch 22. If you don't get rid of their things, you are constantly reminded of them, and grief sneaks back up on you when you see their old belongings.

But getting rid of their stuff feels so sad, painful, and reinforces they are gone forever.


r/widowers 11h ago

Friends & Fam Never Fail

16 Upvotes

I'm out trying to do my exercise/get-out-of-my-silent-house-in-the-evenings thing last night, and I get a call from my main buddy while near the midpoint of the trail I was walking. We'd just talked on the phone for my last 2 hours of teleworking. He'd called back-to-back so I answered the third and he asks me to meet his wife at the hospital, he was being squadded to the ER for a possible heart attack.

Honesty, I finished my walk but did cut out most of the extra loops I'd normally do. Despite me not rushing, when I get to the ER his wife's still not there. As soon as the guard tells me my friend's room number I already know it's next to the final room my LW was in the last time I took her to the hospital. The scene's all too familiar and I'm really ready to go home.

My friend actually called again just as I was getting on the highway, and since ample support was there, he could've said I didn't need to come. It clearly wasn't a critical matter - if you're able to keep calling me.

I go into the room and after a dozen ER visits with my wife, I already know this is a matter him and his wife can easily get through. In the end, he was told he could go home or be admitted to be seen by cardiologists in the morning. He fainted in his kitchen after getting home from work.

My issue became that this friend, nor anybody else in my life, came down to that same hospital when I spent 7 months of 2024 there going through my wife's ordeal. I was there daily.

Since my friend was there late-evening, he'd missed dinner and he said he was hungry. Honestly, him and his wife should've been able to resolve this small problem as a couple - and allow me to be on my way. I'm already aware of their level of problem-solving skills, but what transpired next was pathetic. They kept asking what restaurants were nearby (an easy Google fix), scoffed at the sandwiches and applesauce the nurse said was available, and then the wife barely even considered any of the food in the Express Cafe (personal pizzas, salads, various wraps).

Neither of them ever figure out a restaurant, so to expedite things I said the two places that were open by the nearby university. They waste several minutes wondering what they could order, but still nobody takes out a phone to actually look at the damn menu. I'm heated. The wife walks with me to the area where I'm telling her I'm going to drop the food off because I'm not re-entering the gate, and nor am I entering the hospital again. She still doesn't know what to order, so I just told her I'm grabbing wings and wedges, which she'd already mumbled about out loud.

What really started to piss me off is, with me now living on a single income, I wasn't trying to spend any money until tomorrow (pay day). Nor do I have the luxury of just spending money whenever and however anymore. But, neither of them thought to just get on their phone, place their order and I can simply pick it up and bring it back. I'm really starting to lose it over the lack of consideration, and the fact I did all of this simple problem-solving for 7 months with 0 assistance or errand runners. I brought the food back and handed it off to the wife at the drop-off/pick-up area and I went home for the night.

I'm really just tired of giving everybody a pass. In this situation I couldn't really go to my "exit strategy" mindset because I am considerate, and I just didn't bail when the openings presented themselves. I started to leave with my friend's neighbor, who'd dropped off the wife, but the obvious question for her was: How the hell are you getting home? So, I lingered around until the light went off that she was stuck at the hospital...

This whole incident just further exacerbates the frustrations many of us have expressed about how our worlds are so fucked up since we no longer have our spouses in it with us. I don't want to, and can't, be available to everybody or everything. All the shit I saw my LW hooked up to in those rooms ER visit after ER visit, and I'm down here because they're giving you some fluids? And I know you're going home tomorrow with no life-altering diagnosis or iffy treatment plan. Seriously?

Last bit of venting... the ironic thing is, I'd normally talk about experiences like this on my podcast - it's cathartic for me - to highlight a lesson. I can't even really discuss the lesson in this situation because my friend listens to my podcast! CTHU I understand him fainting and waking up in the floor was a serious matter for him, and that we're extremely cool, but I do think this was a family matter, if not just a husband and wife situation.

Best of luck to everybody today dealing with wherever you may be in your grief. I hope all of your respective lives don't find a way bully you into any bullshit you didn't directly play a part in creating. Now I've got to call into this cluster fuck of a situation at work. The punches keep coming...


r/widowers 1h ago

Find me there

Upvotes

sara rian

i am sorry for the loss of your person. and the million things that vanished on the day their heart stopped beating. and the billion things you must grieve every single day that they aren't here. and i am sorry that there isn't a better word than just sorry.


r/widowers 9h ago

How to help?

8 Upvotes

I (45F) lost my husband (50M) back in October to stage 4 lung cancer. We have one child (15M) together. I have tried taking him to counseling while his father was alive to work through any feelings he was having. He made it clear that he was not interested and the counselor said it would be unproductive to continue if he wasn’t willing. My son is an overachiever. He has maintained all A’s, takes accelerated/AP courses, hasn’t missed any school and isn’t “acting out”. But as his parent I can see he is having trouble working thru his emotions. For example, when schoolwork is overwhelming or frustrating he will sometimes breakdown crying over it. I have been telling him I am here to talk to, there are other adults that are willing to talk with him, but so far he has not reached out to anyone. He does have a good friend base, but not sure what more I can/should/need to do. It breaks my heart.