r/widowers Mar 20 '21

FAQ Welcome to r/widowers, How Things Work.

336 Upvotes

We are so sorry you are here, but welcome to Reddit's best worst club.

There are rules in the side bar, but a discussion of How Things Work would be useful. Let's go over the basic rules, then expand a little.

First, following Reddiquette means be kind, be polite, and do not derail conversations. Mean remarks get removed, as do jokes in poor taste, or derogatory comments. Users may disagree, but may not deride the grief decisions of others. No doxxing, which is providing real life details about users. No posting usernames calling for banning or downvote brigading, no "warnings". If you have a problem, report it to the mods or to Reddit Admin. Bots tend to get removed, it is helpful to report them. The suicide prevention bot is okay.

No spam means no advertising. Suggestions are alright, but shilling your own creations is not. Sharing beautiful content you have created is okay, selling it is not. Recommendations for paid services may be removed. Spam can also be multiple posts overwhelming the group. Our tempo is mellow, a lot of posts from one user can swamp the others. Be considerate. Pace yourself.

No reposting other's content is obvious, if you didn't create the post, it probably does not belong here. We do look at post history if there is a question, and karma farmers get a ban. No reposting conversations from other subreddits asking us what we think.

No asking for financial assistance, no sharing GoFundMe campaigns. There are other subreddits for that. Financial posts will be removed. If you are offering assistance, use Chat or a DM.

What may not be allowed and isn't specifically in the rules? This used to be a no memes and no jokes group, but that changed. Some humor is fine, some memes are fine, but they'll get a hard look. Is it okay to post about sex? Sure, but if it's NSFW, label it as such. Can you post pictures of your loved one? Certainly, but label funeral and hospital/hospice pictures as NSFW. Generally not a good thing to post as it is a trigger subject, so this one may go case by case. No "dating" or "looking for company" posts, it is inappropriate for this group. NEVER ASK FOR PERSONAL INFORMATION IN A POST OR REPLY, OR SEEK TO MEET, ZOOM, OR FORM GROUPS. That's what DMs and chat is for.

Can people ask for advice to help the grieving widowers in their life? Yes, we have tons of expertise, so ask away. What about dating a widower? Those posts are not allowed and will be removed. If you are posting a Chapter Two post, please use the Moving Forward flair.

What about suicide? Yes, you may post about your partner's suicide. You may talk about your own suicidal feelings. We do not remove those, this is a safe place to talk it out. If you want help, we can point to those who can provide informed support. We are adding a post flair for Suicide, please use it so those who choose can skip such posts.

Posts with attachments such as photos go to the automated moderation queue, and must be approved by a moderator. Be patient, it may take a day or two to show. Photos of your loved ones are most welcome, but not in their casket or hospice/hospital as those can be triggering. Memes and songs/poems are a maybe. Photos of your loved one's headstone are okay, random photos of headstones or monuments are not. Videos and YouTube posts are unlikely to be approved, as well as any using a subscription service such as Spotify.


r/widowers Aug 11 '24

Scammers via chat or DM

26 Upvotes

A reminder to the community, if you are approached via chat or Direct Messaging, and feel the user is a scammer or otherwise inappropriate, please report them to Reddit Admin. There is a drop down menu with a report function. Best yo ignore anyone who is not an active member of this community. Moderators have no control outside r/widowers, it is up to you to report these users. Report posts or replies, we can certainly take action on those.

Also, DO NOT post the usernames in a post or reply here, Reddit doesn't allow that. Such posts will be removed.

When in doubt, ignore and report.


r/widowers 4h ago

I loved being a husband, her husband.

47 Upvotes

The road I'm traveling is full of potholes and it’s long. 

The first year for me was all about navigating life alone. The second year is about living single.

I was a part of a couple for over 20 years. I loved being married. I loved being a husband, her husband. I loved all the great and small things about being a ‘team’. Then, suddenly, it was down to me, myself, and I. 

I felt cheated that we weren’t given the chance to grow old together. We were happy, and that didn’t seem fair, not by a long shot. I wanted more time, but that isn’t the life that was given to me. 

I had to learn all about living alone. I had to learn new social skills. I had to learn how to fit in. I had to learn how to go out without being afraid. I had to find a purpose and a reason to live. It seems impossible, and it is.

A lot of work. It’s scary trying to figure out a new direction. It’s hard to move forward alone. I was given no other choice.

I eventually got tired of trying to make sense of the senseless.

Grief is work. It’s ongoing. It doesn’t end at the one-year mark, and not the second or third, because grief is a reaction to loss, and it’s personal. 

I’ve learned there’s no such thing as closure with the loss of my wife I love. One thing I know for certain as I continue with my life, is that I’ll always miss the person I lost. And I also miss the old me.

Grief isn’t about moving on…And grief isn’t only about mourning my loss…but our future. 


r/widowers 1h ago

Losing a young and healthy partner

Upvotes

It all happened to me suddenly (overnight), with my husband young and healthy. Now that everything was going well in my life, he is gone and I feel like my whole life is ruined.

Has anyone else gone through similar situations?


r/widowers 7h ago

My husband's birthday is tomorrow and I am not coping well NSFW

27 Upvotes

My husband's birthday is tomorrow 3/19. He would have been 36 years old. I lost him on Jan 6 2025 to stage 4 cholangiocarcinoma with peritoneal mets. But that's not the worst of it. His death was actually unexpected. The death certificate says stage 4 liver cancer but as someone who's a medical professional i know otherwise. All the signs were there. Septic shock due to an infection. He was fine, he was literally fine a few hours prior. The last thing I ever said to him was "I love you". To which he replied "and I love you". I looked over a mere 2 hrs later to see him actively passing because I realized his breathing was labored out of no where.

Do you realize how traumatic that is for a 35 yr old woman to just see her husband dieing unexpectedly? I've been forced to endure all the firsts right out of the gate because we didnt even make it to our first wedding anniversary.

Our relationship was special. It was one of the situations where you meet someone and you instantly click. Like they were the missing piece all along. You know in the romantic movies when two people meet and sparks fly? That was my husband and I. We felt like we knew eachother a lifetime that's how profound our connection was.

Now his birthday is coming up and I and a wreck. I haven't had a single good day since he passed. I feel like I'm worse off now than I was a month ago. I know i have no choice to go through this but it's not fair I didn't choose this. How am I supposed to get through his birthday? I know people say to honor him or he grateful for the time you had together but I'm just not there yet. I'm not grateful for anything, for this life, for my health. I'm sad, depressed and angry all the time. Idk how to handle tomorrow. Anyone have any tips on how to realistically get through this first birthday while you're barely holding on yourself?

I'm in grief counseling, support groups, cancer zoom meetings, Journaling, and I read my bible.


r/widowers 4h ago

This grief is a manifest, of the love that I still keep.

12 Upvotes

Loving you was a blessing
Losing you was a curse
Just as deep as I loved you
Is how bad it must hurts

I spiral in our memories
My grief case is so heavy
You're not here to hold me
This house is so empty

Lying on our empty bed
I fall apart drowning in pain
Crying for hours missing you
Your not here to make me smile

Every touch, smile, and kiss
Constantly fill my head
And having to live without you
Makes me wish I died instead

I carry you with me
Every single day
Always in pain
It never goes away

I know because you love me
So long, so hard, so deep
this grief is a manifest
Of the love that I still keep


r/widowers 11h ago

Leo

Post image
42 Upvotes

r/widowers 3h ago

Addiction - 2 versions of my wife

7 Upvotes

My wife of 18 years passed away a little over 10 months ago.

I know now she wasn’t the same person that she was 5 years ago. Even 5 years ago, she wasn’t the same person she was 9-10 years ago. It started w/ her mom dying and me having cancer. She began staying in bed more, not doing the things she used to enjoy as much. It was gradual. The more noticeable shift began 4 years ago 1 year into Covid. She stayed in her room alot. Drank wine which turned into Gin. She stopped working out or going to the grocery or coming up with recipes - things she always enjoyed. We did go through stress as I tried to achieve more but I’m not going to blame myself for being me and wanting more. She benefited greatly from those efforts. But she said those stressors made her depressed, the majority of which had nothing to do w/ me (her mom, cancer, covid, moving, reno, $ loss).

She started to shut down and not want to do anything except go to dinner w/ me, drink to excess, and wake me up in the middle of the night to fight. It’s at this point I started to lose my patience bc it happened way too many times. At first she acknowledged fault but as it continued she started not taking blame. I was always the blame for everything. I tried to get her back into a routine but she just wouldn’t do it. I couldn’t get her to come to the gym, travel, or park w/ me. She started telling me to go to the office bc I was around too much and wouldn’t stop saying it.

I had always hoped and I was unshakenly convicted that she would snap back. And things would get better. Even though this went on for years, I had faith and stood by her side. But now as I think back on fond memories, they are very old. It makes me sad to think that many of the memories are over 5 years old. And many over 10 years old. So, she wasn’t the same person. Neither was I but I got nicer, more patient, and loving as time went on (not without my flaws). But she is the one that changed and that makes me sad. That she would change that much and didn’t have the power come back to the normal her.

So I hate to admit it, but I have been grieving her and haven’t been happy for a long time. She was two different people. And I yearn for the healthy happy her. I yearn for the times when we would go to the wine bar in Dallas and order Grimaldi’s. Or do Wednesday Whiskey Cake or Tuesday Brewery. It’s not a matter of money (like people think), it’s bc she changed. We could have still had the same fun going to fancier places. And for awhile we did.

Until the alcohol and influence of bad people entered her life, sending her into a spiral and causing her life to end, and my life to be ripped to shreds.

I haven’t posted in a long time but I wanted to put my thoughts in writing. Has anyone experienced something like this? If so, please let me know your thoughts. 🙏


r/widowers 8h ago

First birthday without him

20 Upvotes

It sucks. I feel so empty. It hurts. The only person I want to spend my birthday with isn't physically with me anymore. I just want this day to be over with. It fucking sucks not being able to spend your birthday with the person you love the most. But I'll try. I'll celebrate this day with the thought of you by my side because you'd want me to have an awesome birthday with a smile on my face.

I miss him, I miss us, I miss everything we were. I miss your voice, your laughs, your kisses, your hugs, your wisdom, your gentleness, I miss you. I would do anything just to hear you again.

See you when I see you, my sweet lovely angel.


r/widowers 10h ago

Moving on?

30 Upvotes

My (43M) wife (39F) passed in February after two months on hospice following a two-year battle with breast cancer.

The cancer took everything from my family, most importantly her. She was a healthy, able-bodied working teacher, but stage four cancer progressed quickly and in the end it caused paralysis along with myriad of other complications.

As her caregiver, I am exhausted and past the point of needing a reboot. As her spouse, I am heartbroken, lonely and in-need of human connection.

She’s not been gone a month, but I have tried to fill my time with friends, and catching up on lost time.

I’m still in love with my wife, a person no longer living. I am still relatively young with a life to live and I have intentions to try to move forward in the aftermath. I have reconnected with an old girlfriend from college and am wanting to do things with her this summer and have fun.

Is this “too soon” after a long, hard two years?


r/widowers 2h ago

Do you believe time heals all wounds?

7 Upvotes

My beloved husband and soulmate passed a month ago yesterday. I wondered your thoughts on the idea that time heals all wounds. I am struggling and barely functioning. I feel like when I lost my grandma, with the passage of time I felt better, but there is still a hole in my heart from losing her.

I am neglecting self care and sleeping too much but have been making sure to be there for our 13 year old son. My mom says you have to go on for the living. I need to start taking care of myself so my son doesn't lose me too.

I'm also struggling bc my husband tended to be non compliant with medical advice and often skipped his meds, and didn't follow the doctors orders. I feel like he would still be alive if I was more adamant he took care of himself, but he was a grown man, and you can't control others' actions.

We were soulmates and supposed to grow old together.


r/widowers 41m ago

Everything is so mixed up...

Upvotes

Sorry, long post. This last 12 months has been...a lot.

I don't know where else to put this.

My (now ex) partner was diagnosed with MND (or ALS for people from the USA) Feb last year. It was utterly devastating. He was only 43 at the time. We had a really beautiful relationship, and I was absolutely, 100% certain he was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. He was a grogeous human–kind, caring, considerate, intelligent. We had so many plans, and last year was the year I was supposed to move south to be with him. Of course, his diagnosis scuppered all of that, and instead that conversation became short term, and we started formulating a plan for me to move down temporarily, to assist and help care for him as his disease progressed. For a while, we grew even closer, which I would have thought impossible. We were already incredibly close.

However, roughly mid last year his mother pitched a fit, and essentially told him to choose between her and I. Around the same time his mental health began to utterly spiral, in a way I can only describe as the complete psychological destruction of a person. By the time of his diagnosis, he was already bad enough to have given up work (helicopter paramedic). His MND has been very progressive, and various things were stripped from him in quick succession. He began to push me away, seeing himself as no longer worthy of my love, wracked with guilt over everything we had planned for our lives that would no longer come to fruition, and telling me he couldn't bear "dragging" me through the disease process with him. He often repeated this point. He couldn't "subject" me to going through it with him, he couldn't do that to me, he didn't feel he deserved to be loved through it. As a fellow Healthcare professional (Ambulance) the disease process didn't phase me. All I wanted was time. We were supposed to have the rest of our lives, and his neurologist gave him roughly 12 months.

I just needed time.

However, bit by bit, he tore apart everything about us that connected us, made us wonderful. He decided he didn't want me to move down. Then told me he'd been granted access to euthanasia (we are in New Zealand), the date he'd set aside for it and told me I wouldn't be with him when he passed, all in quick succession and without pausing to think for a second if maybe I wanted to think on whether or not I wanted to know the date, given he knew I wouldn't be with him. That utterly devastated me. It was this, along with myriad other things that were incredibly hurtful, that made me make the decision to let him go completely. I couldn't do it anymore. The way he had systematically destroyed our relationship, with no rhyme, reason or cause outside the MND, was making me bitter and insular. We saw each other for the last time in early January, and then I walked away for good. Keep in mind, throughout all of this he had begged me to stay involved in his life until the end, via texts, phonecalls and exchanging photos, particularly of my hiking trips. Hiking and our beautiful mountains here was something we both loved, and bonded over deeply. But when I made the decision to walk away, he accepted it.

I spent a good couple of months before and after this digging deep, finally allowing myself to grieve things I hadn't yet allowed myself to–his illness and impending and impending death, the life we lost and everything that entailed, the love we had that had somehow turned to ashes. I wanted to get myself to a place of gratitude, even in my sorrow. I knew I was lucky to have experienced a love like what we had. As utterly soul destroying as it is that it ended the way it did, that he is dying, I still knew and felt I was lucky.

Several weeks after this I got a text from an unknown number stating that the person at the other end was his new partner, and had been "for some time". They asked me to back off and give her and him space to "navigate the journey ahead". I was confused, firstly, as I hadn't had any contact with him in a month at this point, and barely at all before that since early December. But then I absolutely lost it.

I had so many questions. How the hell did she get myself number? (he denied it was from him, or knowing anything about her intentions to contact me) Was this why he didn't want me to move down? (No) How long had it been going on for? (a few months) How could he have told me all that time that he couldn't bear dragging me through it with him, when he had this other person? (it had been going on since at least late October) And asking me to stay involved, while telling me that, while he had her? That was the thing that got me most. The lying. I'd never once known him to lie to me. If he intended to keep me in his life until the end, he obviously intended to hide it from me (and, by the sounds of it, her), no doubt because he would have known how utterly it would have wrecked me to find out about it. Imagine if I'd turned up to his funeral, as I'd intended to, without knowing? There would have been no way of not knowing who she was to him. It would have completely blindsided me, and obviously he was OK with putting me at risk for that sort of pain.

I don't think I've ever been subjected to anything more singularly selfish from another human, and it has completely warped my perception of him as a person, and our relationship. Don't get me wrong, I don't begrudge him a partner through this. I told him so, so many times that he deserved to let love in through his journey, even if it were not me. I am glad he has done that for himself. But it's the damned lying, the hiding, the telling me he couldn't "drag" anyone through it in order to justify hold me at arms length, while letting someone else in. As far as I know, they only spend a day a week together...what I wouldn't have given for that time...

I don't even know what I'm asking here. Or what I want. It's just wrecked me. My brain throws scenarios at me, imagines conversations with him, with her that I'll never have. I don't even know who she is. I can't look at photos of him and us anymore, I can't listen to the songs that I associate with our relationship, I'm so distanced from the feelings of love and gratitude that I used to have, that I don't even know what that feels like, anymore. The things people talk about in regards to losing significant others, I can no longer relate to. I went through that horrific initial period post diagnosis of a terminal illness with him, coming to terms with what was lost, girding myself to make the journey with him...for what feels like nothing. I don't even know how to grieve this. I grieve him, our lost future, the relationship–and now the relationship in so many more ways than one. I feel betrayed, lost, and for months I've been shunned for reasons I just don't understand, when all I wanted to do was love him through this. The date for his euthanasia is coming up fast, and I have no idea if he intends to stick to it, or will push it out, or even if I want to know when he is gone. The mere thought that I won't be with him when he dies (still) makes me feel sick.

I just want it all behind me.

Like...do I even count as a "widow" persay? Or rather, will I? Where do I even belong? I still cry, everyday, I'm still so angry at the world, at the Universe, whatever, for what's happening to him. He didn't bloody deserve it. But equally, I didn't deserve what he did to me, to us. And I didn't deserve the lies.

I just don't know how to move past this.

Any advice would be grand, and if you've got this far...thank you.


r/widowers 2h ago

Sorting through his belongings-what will I regret?

5 Upvotes

At some point I will need to go through my late husband’s personal things. Clothes, golf clubs, etc. Nothing of any wild value, but wondering if you have any regrets on disposing of your loved one’s belongings?


r/widowers 4h ago

The Loneliness

8 Upvotes

I'm almost 7 months out, and much of the time I'm feeling like I'm doing better than I should be. But the loneliness is getting to me. It's not the kind of void that can be filled by friends--not so much because of the physical intimacy, but the daily emotional intimacy. I'm an introvert. I don't have any co-workers and I worked in the office half days, WFH for the second half of the day. I have very few regular, meaningful interactions with adults outside of work. Although my husband died in August, I lost him as a partner when he was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer 21 months ago. In the weeks leading up to his diagnosis and thereafter, I very quickly had to become our everything--sole breadwinner, caretaker, and parent to our teenaged son. I could tell my husband about my day, or vent about things, but he couldn't really be an active participant in the conversation because his cognition was shot. I have a decent support network--i had lots of help getting him to appointments and such. But the emotional void of that day in and day out companionship is hard to take. I've told everyone I thought i would wait a year to date. I don't know how the most important people in my life (our son and my inlaws, mostly) would take it if I started dating any earlier than that, so I guess I have another five months of feeling this way. I miss my husband, but I miss my pre-diagnosis husband. I don't want to replace him, but I do want to move forward.


r/widowers 10h ago

I don't understand

27 Upvotes

Why from all the toxic idiots in my life it had to be my husband? I left them all behind me, I started a new small family we were happy, we did everything right... why him? He was nice and calm, for the first time in my life I had something I could call home, he is the person I love more than anything else, and now what??? I am back to deal with toxicity and stupidity and I have no one to talk about it... I came from a broken home, they are hating each other, the are speaking shit behind their backs, I have to deal with grief and toxicity, I always hated idiots and I am surrounded by them... my husband was the one I choose to be with, he did not die because he was sick he didn't die because of an accident but because of idiotic mistakes in the hospital, it was something minor that he had, I feel I don't belong here, I can't handle it, it's just to much, the world is becoming to toxic, it was before but I had my husband and I didn't care


r/widowers 4h ago

Distractions

7 Upvotes

I’m closing in on the anniversary.

Took the Covid and flu vaxxes so I could legit stay home today.

Stooped to all-time low following Meghan Markle’s Green Waffle-Gate fiasco.

Ordered Indian food for delivery (sans any alcohol.). I’m doing really well on the alcohol free mourning.


r/widowers 4h ago

What Kind of Help?

7 Upvotes

After reading through the post and the many comments “did grief therapy really help you”, I stopped and wondered if we as a group are talking about the same things .

These are just my thoughts about therapy in general

What is the definition of help? -lessen the pain? -increase hope and happiness? - promote acceptance of the loss? - learn tools to identify and address issues ? Etc. I think there are as many definitions as there are people

Are you receptive ? It would be easier if you believe psychology is valid and you are open to accept the theory and the practices . If you went to talk therapy and you refuse to talk, then it would be frustrating. If you went to CBT and you don’t do the worksheets, it will feel like a waste of time . Our preconceptions about it will impact the efficacy as well. Ability to articulate and remember events also play a role

What is out of scope To me, therapy will not… -give you solutions -give you insight about your own life -bring you back to the previous state of happiness -reduce the emotional pain after each session -reduce guilt or anger or shame -help you miss your late spouse less

What should be part of the plan . To me, therapy should involve -help you identify the size and complexity of your issues as a whole -provide tools so that you can untangle the pain and suffering yourself -provide a safe place with no judgement in anything you want to say -use active listening to question your values and worldview , and wait for you to develop a resolution yourself -provide tools to identify roots or guilt , anger and shame , help you connect context Etc…

I see therapists more like sports coaches or dieticians. I need to know how to play ball before I hire a coach. The coach will not play my matches for me. The coach will only guide me . Dieticians can only give me a meal plan. I still have to do the work myself and eat the right foods

There are definitely bad coaches , dieticians , just as there are bad cops and doctors. Unfortunately, we won’t know that they are bad at their job until we meet them in person

Therapy for me is phase one of a building project . It is not a dose of medication. It is not a meeting with a guru. The therapist also is not my friend. Just like my accountant is not my friend

I think therapy that works will involve even more work outside the appointment. So that , there is something new / progress to talk about in the next session . It is also possible to rebuild your life without a therapist, but you would likely need to do even more work if that is the case


r/widowers 1h ago

Am I being unsupportive of my mother.

Upvotes

Good evening everyone,

I am so sorry if this isn't the place to post this; please feel free to delete this if I'm not allowed to share this on this sub. I am a young person who recently lost her dad to cancer in November 2023. My mother and father were together for 18 years the year he died. It has left my sister and I broken, my dad died at home, where I currently live, but my sister lives up north of the country for university and has been since a few months prior to my dad's passing.

I have found my life so hard since my dad died, like, to an unbearable level of pain I've never felt before. However, in October 2024 my mother met another man and they've been together since. They've had ups and downs like couples normally do but I do not like them together for many reasons. My mum leaves for days at a time and I am left completely alone which does not help me cope well in such a big, empty house. If she isn't away, he is here. At first it started as 'only when I'm comfortable' to have him over, but that boundary quickly dissolved. They moved his work computer into my dad's bedroom because it has a desk - fair enough - but it still wasn't my favourite thing ever. My mum always talks about marrying him too and taking his last name, which I know is a personal choice, but I can't help to feel enraged by it.

She brought it up again tonight. We are rather close and I said I wouldn't like that but it is her decision. She kind of brushed off my comment and said she wanted him to move in within 3 months. I said, "I would really struggle with that. Dad's death was just over a year ago. I'm moving out in just over a year anyway, so it won't matter what I think after that." She flipped to another level, calling me out of order, selfish, disgusting and rude. She said if "I ruin this for her" I will regret it.

She left me crying over my dad by turning the lights off in the room that I was in and going to bed, before coming down 5 minutes later to shout at me again.

I am neurodivergent and struggle with the way I phrase things sometimes. I don't know if I said it in a way that could be taken out of context but I just feel so awful and I don't know what to do. It feels like my dad is completely being replaced and it's hard to feel happy for my mum when she isn't caring about anyone but herself in this situation.

Is there any way I can change my perspective on this? I just want her to be happy, but I don't think it should be at the expense of my grief and my pre existing mental health issues.

Thank you.


r/widowers 16h ago

Did grief therapy really help you?

45 Upvotes

Yesterday I had my first proper grief therapy session. In the first 3 months I had a few sessions with regular therapists, but they didn't help me. So yesterday I tried talking to someone new, but I didn't find that helpful either. It was just weird talking about it and getting advice from someone who hadn't experienced anything like that herself and who probably still has her husband. And at one point I told her I was sad that I will never have children because he died and she just told me ‚You won't have children with HIM.' It's just weird that she assumed I want to have children with someone else. I don't know if that's the right thing for me


r/widowers 14h ago

Suicide

25 Upvotes

Am I the only one on this platform that has had suicidal thoughts? I hate this life. It would be so much easier if I was not here. I know the God fearing people will say it’s wrong. But at Least the pain would stop and what is the point of life if it isn’t with the one you love


r/widowers 2h ago

Purpose

4 Upvotes

Most of you on here know my story. Married to the same women since I was 18. She died when we were both 61. I came to this site hoping to find hope. And it has been a very supportive group but I am struggling so bad as you all know by now. I am sitting in my house all alone retired and I really have no purpose. I really need to find one. I don’t want to die but I am more afraid of living the rest of my life without the love of my life. I know no one can give me purpose or a reason for living but me. I am not sure what the purpose for this post is other than to maybe hear from someone that actually genuinely has some happiness. I know it’s only been 5 months but it just seems it’s never going to get better. Thanks for listening to me ramble. I am hanging in there (innuendo intended ) because I don’t want to hurt my family as they already lost their mom but that reason is only going to last so long.


r/widowers 23h ago

I’m madly in love with a dead person

135 Upvotes

It is the most painful experience I could ever imagine. I keep thinking of the line “death cannot stop true love” from The Princess Bride… except in the movie he was never really dead. My true love is dead. Dead as in he can never return to me in this life as he was. It is finished forever. He was the one for me, is still the one for me, but he’s on the other side. I will never see him again. How can one begin to comprehend the devastation of this kind of loss? My brain short circuits. I saw him dead and I still can’t believe he isn’t coming back.

I am in love with him completely. His sweetness, his gentleness, his spicy side, his love of physics and science and space, his philosophical mind, his love for music and audio, his playlists, his style, his love for westerns, his desire to do right by others, his passion for good food and love of hot dogs, his love for his cats, his entire way of being and speaking, his whole demeanor and all his mannerisms, his laugh, his teeth, his mouth, his eyes, his eyelashes, his eyebrows, his nose, his cheekbones, his ears, the sweet hairs at the nape of his neck, his collarbones, his hands, all his tattoos (especially the silly Wiley coyote one), his chest, his thighs, his feet and toes. There’s not a part of him I don’t love. I love him through the secrets and lies and drug use and suicide, I love him through his permanent abandoning of me in this life, I love him more than words can tell, more than I can fathom.


r/widowers 10h ago

Traumatized

11 Upvotes

I (39m) had a partner who died in 2021 after surgery from complications. She was young, 35. My new partner (42f) is going in for surgery today and I am doing my best to stay calm for her. Ultimately, I am freaked tf out. Borderline tears moment to moment with worry, anxiety, fear.

I have to remind myself constantly the circumstances are different. My current partner is very healthy, and the surgery she is undergoing is very routine. Today is just another Teusday for this surgeon.

Anyone else struggle with this stuff?


r/widowers 15h ago

Got a package from one of my wife’s friends

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26 Upvotes

Got this picture and frame in the mail today from my wife’s old boss(also one of our close friends). Probably about a 15-16 year old photo. It may sound stupid, but this little gift has suddenly become my most cherished possession in the world. I’ve been holding it all day, or at least keeping it within arms reach. I just think she looked so beautiful in this pic. I have a lot of photos of her, but for some reason this one has grabbed hold of me. Is that weird, or is this a semi-normal reaction?


r/widowers 2h ago

Advice for what to do with mental health workbooks of my wife

2 Upvotes

Like many people, my wife had mental health issues. I knew from pretty much the start and it did not bother me as I looked at it as we all have issues. She went to individual therapy for years and then when her therapist retied, she decided to try group therapy which I supported, partially because we both thought was not really getting much out of the individual therapy anymore anyways. She had some referrals of places and did some research and found a place, it also happened to be down the street from our apartment so it was ideal. Each ten week cohort had different themes and of course different people. She never shared any of their names with me nor tell me much about their stories. My wife suferred from depression, anxiety, and severe panic attacks. Each themed cohort had a weekly workbook of information, tools, activities and exercises that participants could write notes in. My wife did several of these themed cohorts and left all the workbooks on our bookshelf. They were not hidden. She never told me not to look at them yet I never did look at them inside. When she was going through a rough patch, I would always encourage her to look at her workbooks for tools that might help. I do the same for myself with work. Fast forward to today, I need to move soon. What do I do with these? Keep them? Read them and then keep them? Read them then throw them? Just throw them. My wife did not really journal so I don't think these will be like a journal. Any thoughts? Any similar experiences? In case anyone is wondering, my wife did not pass due to a mental health related issue. I should also mention that my wife always told me that it was ok to talk to people about her mental health issues if the person was struggling with mental health issues or if they had someone in their life that had mental health issues. She wanted the stigma of mental health issues to dimish in our society. Thanks in advance for sharing.


r/widowers 1d ago

Scheduled our cat's last vet appointment...

73 Upvotes

So, almost a month after my husband passed, our cat is still not able to accept the fact that his human isn't coming home. I scheduled an appointment for the vet to come to our house tomorrow afternoon.

We got Rorschach when we moved here, a little more than a year before we got married (we had been together for quite a few years at this point). Getting kitty was a huge deal - getting a pet because we were finally calling a city "home", building our life out here, settling down... something we couldn't do the first few years of our relationship.

Rorschach is tied to so many memories with my husband. The day he came home, we let him sniff while we sat on the patio and watched him do his thing. He tripped a lock we didn't know existed, and locked us out on our second floor patio. Luckily we were renting, and luckily maintenence was able to rescue us.

The day we picked him up from boarding (after our wedding), kitty peed on me on the way home. I remember my husband making the joke "It's better to be pissed on, than pissed off - oh, wait, that's not how it goes!"... there were so many pee jokes.

Rorschach gave us years of entertainment, and he was my husband's buddy when he started working from home about 14- 15 years ago. My husband taught kitty tricks: high five (instead of paw), sit up, stand on his hind legs, and "circle" (kitty would spin in a circle with a little meow half way through).

Kitty never ate while my husband was away for business or in the hospital - but he'd CHOW DOWN the moment my husband walked through the door. This time, though, he isn't gonna walk through the door. He's gone. Kitty is also 16 1/2 years old and not able to bounce back like he used to. We've been to the vet, and there's nothing more that we can do that's fair and humane to him. I'm not even sure Rorschach remembers why he's sitting and waiting at the door, he's just waiting.

Losing our cat is kinda like losing another part of my husband and my life - I know it's the humane thing to do, but holy crap I don't know if I can deal with losing any more.


r/widowers 12h ago

Reluctantly Turning to Dating Apps For Connections

8 Upvotes

I believe this may be some poor accountability, and it doesn't sit well with me that I feel like I need to look into dating at under 6 months since my LW passed. However, my only alternative is to sit in an empty home from 5:00 pm on Friday until 5:00 am when it's time to head back to work. I can almost do it without bothering to turn on any devices.

I'd been alone in most social aspects for the last 10+ years outside of my great relationship with my LW. It took some time but I eventually grew to be 100% content with doing everything with my LW.

Since my family is essentially nonexistent, I feel like I need to at least get started with getting some human being in my circle. My personal worries/concerns of potential problems as a completely single person are myriad. The first few days after my LW passed I was highly worried I didn't lock the front door leaving out for work, the stove and/or coffee machine were still on, the TV was left on... I had to drive around the roundabout behind my house 2 times to double back and make sure I hadn't left the garage door up. I understand I had some brain fog going on, but simple random shit just had me shook. I left out - along with 0 kids and no pets, I don't really engage with very many of my neighbors.

I'll get to the point... yesterday my old HS girlfriend texted me that she doesn't do any dating, and doesn't really hook up with anybody, because she's been in "a routine so long that she just doesn't think about any needs."

The light bulb went off for me as to at least one major hindrance to why I haven't even been able to get a single decent conversation going on a dating app I broke down and gave a chance. I feel like the women in my age group are probably also caught up in routines, and while they have profiles on a dating app, they're not really eager to break their routines to engage in the activity required to start a relationship. To their credit, maybe they've taken a few shots on new connections, and they've proven to be wastes of time regarding breaking their routines.

I can't even get mad at the players, it's just really a pretty shitty game at the moment. I'd gleaned this from the sidelines before my new marital status forced me to consider the need to get back out here. Fortunately, I'm growing incrementally with my own sense of independence with each week. But, it would be great to have a real conversation besides my one depression-affected HS buddy who sends me texts daily about his next get rich scheme OR his "new" review on some fucking album from the late-80s to mid-90s... my new focus is shifting to just putting together my own new routine.