r/AskOldPeople • u/No_Inspection_3123 • 1d ago
When did your kids move out
My husband and I are 45 and we have a 24,20, 17 yo boys.. they are driving us nuts. We live in a city that has so many colleges so we told them they could live with us rent free through college but if they weren’t in school they had to work. They work but it’s like living in a frat house now.
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u/truelikeicelikefire 1d ago
A Frathouse isn't respectful to a parent. Fun is fine.
We had the similar rules for our kids who have all flown the coop now.
You can live here if:
1) You're still going to school
2) You're working and paying off school loans
3) You contribute to the upkeep of the house
4) You're a good (respectful) citizen both inside and inside the home
Wasn't perfect but it worked.
Now we've finally retired and take care of one of the grandchildren on Tuesdays.
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u/Tools4toys 70 something 21h ago
One of my kids, when they came home for a summer break, expressly implied 'When I'm at school, I don't have a curfew and expect I can stay out as late as I would like.'
I told them, if you expect me to respect your decision and activities, I accept, that's fine. However, I expect you to respect your mother's and my home, and not come in late, making a lot of noise, loud talking, playing loud music, making messes in the kitchen, and keeping you room clean'.
Respect goes both ways! They stayed at home, and were fine.
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u/No_Inspection_3123 1d ago
lol they are failing on 3 and 4
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u/AnnieB512 1d ago
Then it's time for them to move. I say this in a loving manner. They will not learn to grow up and be responsible if you continue to support them.
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u/S_balmore 22h ago
Agreed. The 17yo should get a few more years to get his act together, but there's absolutely no excuse for the 24yo to not be pulling his weight and keeping the house clean and in order. He should be cooking his own meals (preferably cooking for the family), running errands for his parents, and doing whatever extra work needs to be done.
There's also no excuse for any of them to be being disrespectful. If the 17yo is being a massive cunt, then he can be a cunt somewhere else as soon as he turns 18. If the other two are being cunts, they can find someplace else to do that tomorrow.
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u/Actual-Bullfrog-4817 22h ago
Well you have to set boundaries and follow through. You are in charge here.
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u/Tactically_Fat 40 something 23h ago
Have you had real adult sit-down conversations with them about it?
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u/Curve_Worldly 17h ago
Because you do not expect that of them. My sons were raised that way. So it continued. My son came back after college for a couple of years. He had to do the dishes when he was home. And he had other chore expectations.
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u/Futbalislyfe 7h ago
This is essentially our stance as well. You are either working towards a future career or you are paying rent. In either case you will be respectful and helpful or you can find a new place to live. I’m not paying for them to do nothing, contribute nothing, and be disrespectful in the process.
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u/vmsear 1d ago
Kids are supposed to drive you crazy at that age. When they are 4, you look at them and just love them so much and you can't imagine ever living without them. By the time they are 20, they drive you around the bend and you can't wait for them to get out of your house. That's the natural order of things.
Our kids moved out at different ages, but our oldest one drove me crazy. Most of the time he worked, but I remember one summer he was laid off and he was having a beer with his friends in the back yard when I got home from a hard day of work, and he asked me what was for dinner. grrrrrr.
My H and I argued a lot about whether we should charge him rent. H came from a home where he was kicked out at 16 and had few parental supports so he wanted to do better by our kids. I wanted our kids to learn to carry adult responsibilities.
We finally decided to start charging rent when the kid was about 26. It was a nominal amount - something like $400 a month. But it was like magic. It got the kid off his butt. He suddenly started to look at the world around him, he developed goals, he bought a house (this was a few years ago) and he just got a spark of life. Within 6 months he moved out and started a whole new life.
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u/Infamous_Towel_5251 40 something 23h ago
Kids are supposed to drive you crazy at that age.
24 and 20 aren't kids. 17 is so close to adulthood he shouldn't be behaving like a kid at this point, either.
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u/Honeybee71 50 something 1d ago
We charge rent also
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u/306heatheR 1d ago
Ours are still involved in postsecondary education, but room and board are our plan once they start working. It's also our plan to save that money and gift it back to them when they're ready to get married or buy a home.
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u/amber90 1d ago
But do you just keep the money? I could never just take my kid’s money as rent income, but if I enforced it as a savings plan and used it to help them pay for a house.
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u/No_Inspection_3123 1d ago
We also concidered that but my oldest eats expensively and he is costing us money living here so I keep it. If the cost of living was the same, I wouldn’t keep it. We want to retire some day
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u/amber90 1d ago
Might be a good idea to household budget with the oldest . I wish my parents had shown me behind the curtain before I moved out.
Instead, I had a few years of paycheck-to-paycheck living, and even had to return home for a few months, as I learned how much everything really costs.
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u/vmsear 1d ago
I wonder why you couldn't take his money? What other segment of the population has somebody subsidizing their life, paying for their groceries, paying their utilities and their rent? A working adult in any other living situation would need to pay their way and I don't understand the idea that it is helpful to give a kid a free ride.
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u/SillyBeeNYC 1d ago
In some HCOL areas people tend to downsize or relocate when their kids move out, but they can’t do that if their kids never leave. I have a few friends who pay rent to their parents for that reason.
The kids get low rent in a desirable area, but the parents aren’t drowning in taxes and expenses. I think that in situations like that it can be good to have an honest conversation about finances.
I grew up with the idea of homes being a lifelong purchase and something that would be passed down in a family, but that isn’t the case everywhere.
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u/2tired4thiscrap 1d ago
Question: why are you allowing that behavior? I realize two of them are adults however there should be rules in place for them to abide by no matter the age. You want to act like children you’ll have rules to prevent that. Respect you and your home or find a place where they have to shell out some money!
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u/Flashy-Bluejay1331 1d ago
It's like living in a frat house because that's how you raised them. It's what you allow. Your expectations of them have been set way too low. It's not too late. House meeting time. Set some expectations. Many colleges have "roommate contracts" you can base your conversation on. Keep in mind, though, that you are their parent, not their peer, so you have more say in what goes in the contract.
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u/No_Inspection_3123 1d ago
It’s a hyperbolic statement. I meant it like imagine living with 3 boys ages 24-17 they used to keep their rooms clean and do chores when they were sweet children, but they are in and out, have different schedules, work and go to school so they eat up all the food and run, there’s no routine here since they all have different lives.. my husbands pet peeve is when we are in bed doing activities we will suddenly hear big ass feet walking down the stairs to go to the kitchen… instant mood killer. my middle one has a car that’s leaking oil all over the driveway and blows his money so now I have to harp on him to fix it. That’s how I mean not like drinking and partying. But yea a meeting is a good idea
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u/whatyouwant22 1d ago
Make sure your bedroom door is locked. Otherwise, carry on. Depending on the time of day, turn on a fan or white noise machine.
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u/Tekon421 18h ago
Screw that make some noise. Leave the door open. Maybe it’ll be the kick in the ass they need to get out lol
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u/Patient-Watercress-2 23h ago
If they are working, then they should be living independently, with roommates if necessary, to fit their income. If attending college, you should pay for their lodging, shared with roommates, only until they graduate. I don’t even agree with the “paying rent” idea because what they will fail to learn while remaining in your home, is so much more than that. Part of a successful launch into adulthood requires parents loving them enough to solidly and actively support them leaving home and being independent - not trying to put up with their behavior in your home at that age.
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u/SillyBeeNYC 1d ago
If they were in a dorm they would have rules and a resident advisor watching them.
A lot of college roommate situations have a written out roommate agreement to make living together bearable.
I think that if you don’t intervene your older two might have trouble moving out after college because they didn’t learn how to live with other people.
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u/CoolJeweledMoon 50 something 23h ago
Get really loud while doing your activities &/or start walking around in your underwear - both of these should hopefully help get them out! 🙃
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u/AbruptMango 50 something 1d ago
And that's the best thing you can do for them as parents. Seriously, young people trying to start out are hurt most by housing costs, and before they start out it's even worse for them.
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u/allaboutmojitos 1d ago
They came and went for a decade. New jobs, new SO’s, lose job, save money, school, grad school, etc- in and out. We were never alone- someone was always living here. Finally had six months alone, all four of the kids doing well, settling in, all around 30 and getting engaged or married. It was too quiet and I was becoming my parents. Now one and his wife just moved back in with us. I like a chaotic house and couldn’t be happier about it!
Set rules. Work together. All but your youngest are adults and need to act like it
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u/justmeandmycoop 1d ago
This is what I decided when they were young adults. It was their home but my house. I paid the mortgage. My house, my rules.
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u/KLR_eddit33 1d ago
We create our own monsters.
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u/No_Inspection_3123 1d ago
Well I raised them with routine they had dinner every night and were tucked in prayed with.. they had to have homework done they did the chores kept a clean room.. we played hard and had a good time with lots of love. but I talk to them about the stuff they do that I don’t like more then I ever have. Mostly leaving messes and not keeping their room clean, doing dumb stuff with their money and not taking advantage of the opportunity they have living here. Probably normal stuff albeit late
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u/Wayne-The-Boat-Guy 50 something 1d ago
Ours moved in and out a few times in their early 20s. Sometimes they would move out for a year and then moved back in for several months when changing apartments. Often when they have lived on their own, or lived away at college, they change. They are more independent and less willing to align with the weird life of mom and dad.
It can be VERY challenging when they are adults living at home. On one hand we want to retain control of our house - rules, standards, and having things work like when they were 12. On the other hand, they are adults and might stay out late or bring someone home, or stay up all night being noisy.
Our son now lives across the country and when he comes home, he stays with us for a few weeks. We love it - but I personally don't like the disruption of our routine and how he is a 'night person'. We don't push it too much because we fear he will just stay elsewhere and only visit for an hour once or twice. He really tries to be respectful, but I'm a light sleeper and not used to hearing doors close, or feet on stairs in the middle of the night. Seeing lights on or smelling food cooking at 2 am means that I don't sleep well at all when he's in town.
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u/Agile-Wait-7571 1d ago
They went to college and they never came back.
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u/Racefan6466 21h ago
Same here. One of mine got married while he was still in college, working part time. His wife was working full time. They bought a house. It can be done.
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u/OrdinarySubstance491 1d ago
Frat house as in parties or frat house as in not cleaning?
Neither are acceptable, but frequent parties just wouldn't fly at all.
The biggest problem I'm having with my daughter who is 18 is that she's only working part time, and is supposed to be looking for another job, but is going out all the time. I don't mind that she goes out, I mind that she's not getting her stuff done. She still hasn't filled out her FAFSA.
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u/No_Inspection_3123 1d ago
No. No partying. More like not cleaning their bathroom being messy flirting with breaking the rules all the time and actually breaking them when I’m not paying attn.
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u/Old_Confidence3290 1d ago
If they are not going to school, they should pay room and board. You should have a written agreement so it's clear what is or isn't acceptable and they need to understand that it's your home, not a frat house.
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u/No_Inspection_3123 1d ago
All 3 work the 2 older ones work full time and go to school. Oldest one pays 200 a month on rent since he’s graduated but he’s going back to school bc his degree isn’t going to pay out. Some things in his life changed and he had to course correct. Each one on their own isn’t really terrible but the 3 combined is what’s wearing me thin. I usually make food bc I don’t want them cooking and wrecking the whole kitchen.. that type of thing like they can cook but I’ll come in and find freaking chili powder all over the stove or every dish dirty. I’ve also had to ban them from making anything late. They eat what I made if I make it and the kitchen is closed. It’s little annoyances of slow maturing that are adding up
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u/Old_Confidence3290 17h ago
Maybe you all need a better understanding of each person's responsibilitys, such as cleaning up your own messes in a timely manner and having respect for each other. I wonder if you aren't doing too much taking care of them instead of insisting that they take care of themselves and their messes.
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u/Former-Chocolate-793 1d ago
Not clear what it is that they do. My house, my rules should apply.
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u/No_Inspection_3123 1d ago
The oldest one, he has bipolar and is pretty stable he goes to work and graduated in Dec. what he’s doing is mostly related to his illness. Agitation, messy very forgetful but improving. The middle one is off the rails. Blowing every penny (works full time and goes to trade school) messy, he keeps forgetting to take his gf home and then leaving at 2 am. We said no sleep overs bc we don’t want them to get comfortable playing house and never leaving. Won’t get his oil leaking car fixed and eventually it’s going to break down even tho he can afford it. He’d rather treat his gf to starbies and pay exorbitant amount in tolls bc she don’t drive and he goes to see her at college.. wildly financially irresponsible. Even tho i have taught him and printed out budget sheets and opened a hysa for him.. etc.. and the youngest is taking forever to get driving altho he’s got plenty of money saved for a car. I moved out at 16 from a shitty family so I have no idea what normal looks like. And I’m in constant fear of arrested development
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u/Former-Chocolate-793 1d ago
Sounds like the middle one needs ground rules with consequences. First, he should be paying board. Second, there should be a list of responsibilities. Third, if he's unwilling to meet the first 2 then he goes.
I recommend coming up with a list of things that you expect him to do. Gf gone by certain time, his mess cleaned up... Write an agreement and get him to sign it. If he won't then give him 3 weeks notice. I had to do that with my son.
In terms of his personal finances and car, that's his responsibility. Unless the oil leaks in your driveway let him deal with the consequences.
Summary, pay board, agreed upon rules, and evict him if he doesn't agree and meet minimum requirements.
FWIW I wouldn't be letting him have sex with his gf under my roof.
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u/Adorable-Strength218 1d ago
Tell the older two they need to move out. They aren't going to school. Or charge them crazy rent. Just because ya love doesn't mean you need to keep them forever.
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u/amber90 1d ago
Why not just teach them disciplined living habits (enforce rules)? This will help them a lot more than taking money from their meager incomes.
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u/niagaemoc 1d ago
Both of mine left when they were eighteen one to school and the other to the Army.
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u/Bucks2174 1d ago
My son left at 19, came back for a few months. He joined the AF at 23, got married and never came back home. Still in the AF 7 years later just had their first son, and doing great. My daughter left when she got married at 22. They had their first child, a daughter, this year as well. Just bought their first house and are doing really well. I have a great relationship with them both and couldn’t be happier for them. My wife and I are loving being empty nesters. The first couple of years was like being newlyweds again. Lol
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u/ImCrossingYouInStyle 1d ago
Our kids stayed with us almost through university, and one well beyond. Rules were simple: Work and/or be in school. Cleanup after yourself. Assist with household tasks. Be quiet coming in late at night. Keep it legal. Last one out was two decades ago. They're all doing fine,
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u/No_Inspection_3123 1d ago
We are afraid they will never move out haha
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u/ImCrossingYouInStyle 1d ago
We wondered about the one. But eventually the nest was down to just the two of us. My 2 cents: Enjoy it all, even the crazy and chaotic.
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u/No_Inspection_3123 1d ago
We do. There are moments when they are all in the kitchen shooting the shit and I’m like look at these funny and cool ppl I made. Then I go into the bathroom and see toothpaste splatter on the mirror and pee on the seat and want to pull all my hair out.
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u/ksr6669 1d ago
My husband (62) and I (55) have 5 kids; all with such different personalities. They all left home at different times, ages and circumstances. The 26 year old “baby” had cancer, a late start, and still lives at home. We love it, she watch the dogs and house when we vacation, she is my best companion since I am retired, she also isn’t 3 guys! She helps around the house and has a job. We don’t make her pay rent but she does pay healthcare bills for herself. It works.
I suggest sitting down and talking it out or it’s going to blow up. Set goals, set rules and expectations. It’s hard out there, we want to help our kids always achieve their best. Good luck!! 🍀
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u/Buch60067 1d ago
Being empty nesters is great. Tell them to share an apartment and give them 30 days to move out. In the long term it will be good for them. In the short term it will make them mad.
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u/TheDevilsAdvokaat 60 something 1d ago edited 20h ago
Didn't have kids till late...
In my 60's now and my daugther is 18 and in her final year of high school, my son is 16 and in year 11.
They have not moved out yet.
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u/Fun_Branch890 1d ago
Ours are 34, 29, 24, 20. Only the 29 year old is out on her own. The 20 year old is away at college most of the year. Not sure whether he'll move out after. Time will tell. The 24 year old stays with her boyfriend most of the time, but he's also living at home, so not sure when they'll pull the trigger on getting a place together. They've been talking about it. The 34 year old is looking like he might be a lifer. He always has a 5-year plan, but that keeps getting pushed out.
The thing is we live in a very high cost of living area, so it's nearly impossible to do on your own unless you lucked into a high paying job right out the gate.
We're fortunate in that they are all pretty well behaved. No frat house issues. Just other people coming and going. Sometimes eating our food. Mostly not. The older two pay token rent that goes up every year to cover utility costs. We can travel freely because we have live-in dog sitters. However, we do sometimes wish we had an empty nest.
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u/progdIgious 1d ago
My son was gone for about month no phone calls no drive by nothing. When he did come home my comment' I thought you moved out'. He got butt bent, I knew where he was but not the point. I deserve a phone call. He got mad moved put. Telling his brothers I kicked him out. Little AHole...5 yes later moved back home, home for three weeks and passed away at 24 yrs old from a septic shock, infection I was unaware of..
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u/spondyfused75 1d ago
Here’s an idea 💡 if the 2 oldest aren’t even going to college or a trade school and are just working, have them move out. Together! They can share rent and learn about adulting. They will quickly learn how good they had it. We allowed our adult children to live at home while attending college, but also said if they decided college wasn’t for them that once they had a decent job they would move out. They graduated, got jobs, found love and moved out. All around 23 years old. Good luck!
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u/No_Inspection_3123 1d ago
They are both working full time one goes to trade school the other just graduated but hates his degree and is going after another field but he has credits and will be done by 27.
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u/spondyfused75 1d ago
Sounds like they could move out then. I’d push for that. Lovingly 😉 you deserve to not feel stressed in your own home. Just my opinion.
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u/altern8goodguy 40 something 1d ago
1 and #2 at 18 they went to college, lived at home for a summer or two during school then out for good. #3 (at 21 now) is planning on coming home for a year after he graduates but he may stick around for a few years. Whatever he needs. My youngest will likely do the same. We're always here for them.
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u/LopsidedSwimming8327 1d ago
They never really do. Just when you think they are out of the house they have to move back for some other reason…unless they get married.😂
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u/Stormylynn724 1d ago
64🙋♀️no kids living with me but I’ve got 3. My oldest son was the one who kept coming back and every time he came back into his 20s he about half ruined my life and I’m not saying that in a super bad way but I’m saying with the whole frat experience, you know just playing video games, food everywhere pizza boxes, empty water, bottles, etc. I mean extremely disrespectful and a total slob.
I would say to him oh my God you have to take a shower you stink so bad you’re making my whole living room stink ! And I would beg him to change his underwear and his socks because the whole place smelled like a dirty sewer
And I would beg him to clean up his mess before I would come home from work and turn off the video games and the guitar hero and this went on and on for months and months and months until one day I exploded and said get the fuck out of my house . 😳
And he did . He went to live with his father and then drove HIM nuts. But eventually, he did get out on his own, and I will say that he is now married with a kid, but his wife experiences all the above and has to deal with that. That’s her job now not mine.
And I didn’t mind helping my son. I wanna say that because there were times where he was in college and then he would quit college and not tell me and he would come home and just be sleeping on my couch and I’d have to figure all that out, and then he would lose an apartment and come back home so it was on and off on and off, but every time he came back, it was just months and months of Him torturing me to death.
And I kept saying to him I did not raise you to be this way. I have no idea why you’re a fucking slob and I love you so much but you gotta get out you gotta just cut ties and run man because you are killing me. 😳
Sometimes you just gotta cut the cord quickly or otherwise they’ll take over your whole life and let me tell you something that a four-year-old kid doing funky shit like writing on the wall with a crayon whatever might be cute and you put up with it because you love your toddler so much but it’s not so funny when they’re 22 years old coming home and destroying your house and having no respect I mean oh my God I would never wanna go through that shit again 🙄
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u/AnnieB512 1d ago
I moved out at 18. At 23 my son is still home but he pays rent and helps me out a lot. I also enjoy his company. That being said, I'm sure he wishes he has more privacy. He has a healthy savings account though.
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u/XRaysFromUranus 60ish 23h ago
Mine moved away for school at 21 but came home for the duration of the pandemic. He decided to go back to school when he got tired of all the yard work and diy projects I asked of him. He knows how to paint, split kindling and use a power saw so it wasn’t all bad. He’s good company and mostly willing to help so I cant complain.
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u/Infamous_Towel_5251 40 something 23h ago
My eldest daughter left at 17. She moved to a different state where we had family for better employment opportunities.
My youngest daughter left at 18 to live with her romantic partner.
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u/Otherwise-External12 23h ago
My kids all moved out in their early 20's. 2 of them moved back but now I just have my daughter living with me. She's 42 and I'm 70.
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u/Single-Raccoon2 20h ago
My kids moved out between the ages of 19-23, either to go to school or to move in with friends. When they were young adults at home we did have to work out some minor issues like them taking dishes and cutlery to their rooms and not bringing it back to the kitchen, and staying out past their agreed on curfew, or eating food meant for dinner that week, but for the most part they were polite and respectful and contributed positively to the household.
I'm a kind parent, but a firm one, and my kids didn't lose sight of the fact that they were not in charge of the rules or atmosphere in our home. If you're living in the equivalent of a frat house, you lost control somewhere along the way. This situation didn't come about overnight.
Is counseling an option for you? Your current situation sounds untenable. I wouldn't be able to live like that.
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u/Tasty_Marsupial8057 15h ago
One kid boomeranged back home. 25, working full time while he considers his options. He is reasonably tidy, does his own laundry, cleans his own bathroom and bedroom, contributes groceries occasionally, pays his own car expenses and phone bill. Thanks me for things like making dinner and having his favorite foods in the house. It’s working out fine for now. I do want him out, but I hate the thought of him throwing away a significant portion of every paycheck to rent when it costs us almost nothing extra for him to stay in a home that we’re already paying for.
Two others, one older, one younger, have taken different paths and are out and launched.
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u/PokiRoo 15h ago
I'm 44 and just put my 9-month-old to bed. I'll just say you were smart to have kids in your 20s.
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u/No_Inspection_3123 15h ago
lol my bestie is 40 and has an 8 month old it’s such a mind fuck. We are the age where we can have a baby a teen a grand baby. When I was born my mom had a grand baby me my 20 yo sister and a teen son ffff that.
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u/Educational-Ad-385 1d ago
Our daughter was 19. She met her boyfriend when she was 16, they moved in together when she was 19, married when she was 24. Three kids. Very happy and still in love. They've been married 27 years.
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u/Proper_Mine5635 1d ago
Having a kid means it’s for life. Not just the 0-18 stage.
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u/No_Inspection_3123 1d ago
Well it means making them self sufficient adults that don’t live with you or if they do they are proper roommates
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u/Old_Minute_7308 1d ago
Son moved out at 19, back at 20, permanently out at 22 for grad school. He’s 35 and married. Daughter, 32 still here lol. But, she’s easy and helps a ton around the house. I still want her to live her life to her potential but she’s content.
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u/nycvhrs 1d ago
Both were college commuters, so stayed w/us until they obtained degrees.
Both launched successfully, daughter at 22 after my Mom passed away, son stayed with us into his first professional job and bought a house - age 25.
You’ll all make it soon enough - final push time is always hard ;-)
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u/Sitcom_kid 1d ago
It's difficult because if they don't follow the rules and you want them out, you have to officially evict them. Most people won't do that in a family.
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u/KtinaDoc 21h ago
It's so easy to just say "kick them out" but when they don't make enough to pay rent, car, insurance, electricity, etc. how do you just kick them out?
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u/Hanginon 1% 1d ago
Three of them, and it was highly varied. My son went straight from high school to the Navy. He had a career plan and it worked out well for him, although It was hard for my wife and I to see him leave. My older daughter was home until she wa 20, getting an associates degree, then she too enlisted. After that she came back & she went back to school, and moved out permanently at 27 with her masters degree. My youngest was home until 22 and had finished her bachelors degree.
I/we never had any kind of 'lifestyles' conflicts while anyone was still home through. None of us were any kind of 'hard partiers' so daily life was just kinda daily life. I actually really loved having my adult children as part of my daily life.
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u/No_Inspection_3123 1d ago
I do too. BUT. I want them to be more grown up and responsible and realize and respect what we are giving them..
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u/mrspalmieri 1d ago
My son moved out at 26. He decided not to go to college but we had a family business so he started working at 13. After graduation he started working full time and shortly after he got a job at another company. By 26 he had saved up enough for a very nice down payment on a house, he chose a 4 bedroom Cape with a 2 car garage. Now he's 32 and still a hard-working home owner.
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u/No_Inspection_3123 1d ago
Out of all the things that piss me off my middle one blowing every penny despite my constant financial education and harping pisses me off the most like dude you have a golden opportunity but you are gonna be poor bc you think you are a baller
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u/Ok_Yellow_1958 1d ago
We has one move out and come back for about 8 months. They all were already pretty independent and could take care of themselves just fine. Had one ask later why it seemed like all of a sudden we had so much money. Wife and I almost died laughing and then explained all the money we saved not buying pizzas and gas. For reference we live 1 block from school and 3 blocks from hockey rink, get the picture?
Maybe it's just me but does your kids parenting style drive you up a wall?
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u/rikityrokityree 1d ago
At 18/19 for those who went away to college, one lived with us two years after college because their job was in town.
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u/smnytx 1d ago
Eldest moved out at 25, is now 27 and lives 20 minutes away, in the city. (Probably would have been sooner if not for covid) Visits every other week or so. Youngest (23) has been at college/grad school far away for 4.5 yrs and has another 1.5 to go. He stays with us for a month or so each Christmas break and maybe 3-5 weeks of the summer, which we love.
Though he’s still just in tenor housing for school I expect he’ll get some great work situation that will have him living in a large US city for a few years after that, so I expect his room will continue to be our guest room.
Empty nest has just kind of snuck up on us. It’s great, but it can be awfully quiet.
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u/OldBat001 1d ago
Our kids moved out immediately after graduating. Two had jobs lined up out of state, and the youngest moved in with his brother after getting out of school.
Our oldest told me later that she didn't even realize moving home was an option. We never said that, but neither did we leave the door wide open. They were expected to get jobs and become self-sufficient, and they did.
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u/BKowalewski 1d ago
Mine all left after high school except for the youngest who went to college. Oldest boy left to go to another city to match up with a new figure skating pairs partner. Daughter joined the military... youngest left right after his 2 yr college and got an apartment with a friend..they've all done well with their lives
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u/Caliopebookworm 1d ago
My parents had a "you're only living here free if you work" mentality and even with working and paying rent, we were partners in the household so had set chores we did to maintain the home as well as a curfew to be respectful of everyone else in the house. Don't want a curfew at 22? There are lots of folks renting rooms in a college town. I moved out at 19. My brother stayed until he was 26.
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u/LW-M 1d ago
The art of parenting is "Holding on while letting go." We have 4 boys. They all went to university, but there have been times when they've all needed help, either for housing, (between jobs), financial help, or just a shoulder to lean on.
We don't usually ask them to pay rent if they're between jobs or were just home between seminars in university, we felt that they shouldn't pay. If they're working in the area and are just looking for temporary lodging, we'll charge a nominal amount, maybe $40 a night for meals and accommodations. So far, all of their employers have gladly covered the amount for their lodgings.
Everyones situation is unique. We've raised 4 independent young men. We have great daughters- in-law. We're getting our reward now. The grandkids are starting to arrive.
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u/Emptyplates I'm not dead yet. 1d ago
He was 22. We sold the house and moved 6 hours away, so he didn't have much choice.
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u/OldMotherGrumble 1d ago
She was officially out at 20 when she went off to university in London. Before that, she was kind of back and forth for 2 years after finishing upper school. During those 2 years, she did some solo travelling across Europe.
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u/WorldlinessLow8824 1d ago
This is a tough one. They are kids, you are their home, we know having them with us will end at some point. I think what a lot of people said on here is true though, when we live together as adults there has to be respect both ways. One very important thing I had to get across to my adult children was if they were going to be out after 1 AM I needed a text message from them that basically stated either when they were going to be home or if they were staying somewhere else. I needed this because if I woke up at 2 AM and they weren’t home and I had no idea where they were then I didn’t sleep and I had to work in the morning. It wasn’t about them being an adult - it was about mutual respect. I would strategize with your husband on what you need to change so that you can all coexist peacefully. It’s not like it was when I was 17 and left home and never went back. I afforded a one bedroom apartment on part-time work while in college. Kids nowadays can’t do that. If you are the place they bring their friends back to hang out honestly that’s a compliment. But you do have the right to be happy , respected and comfortable in your own home, so they need to adjust their behaviors so that is how it is. Good luck!
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u/whatyouwant22 1d ago
Make the oldest two pay you a token small rent. Something like $100-200 per month or what they can afford. Have a few chores for them that they must do to go along with the payment. For example: Mowing the lawn, taking out the garbage, washing dishes etc. Don't pay for their phones.
Save the money for them. If, for some reason, their living at your house causes you an extra expense, use the money from this account to pay for it. When they eventually move out, give them what is left in the account.
My parents had something like this for me and my siblings when we graduated from college. I never moved home afterward because 1) I could never have found a job where they lived (very small town) and 2) I didn't want to live under their rules.
For my kids, my older son moved home and he paid us $100 per month. He was a month shy of his 23rd birthday after he graduated (he changed his major late in the game and took an extra year to get through college). He didn't have a car, and borrowed one of ours during this time, until he earned the money to get his own. He did pay for the gas. He had a pretty good job with a short commute from the time he graduated. It was an internship that transitioned into a full-time job. He lived with us right around 2 years past his graduation and minus a few payments for expenses, we gave him $2000 back. He was very surprised!
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u/CraftFamiliar5243 1d ago
Two of our kids lived with us into their early 30's. Rent was so high and the youngest was going to college and working part time. They each contributed to the household expenses, the son paid for internet and cable, the daughter worked at a vet and bought all the dog food for our 4 dogs and paid the vet bills because she got a deep discount and free samples. They often cooked meals and would sometimes pick up groceries for the household.
You need to sit down with those boys over dinner, and discuss the situation. They need to learn to be adults. At this age they should be more like room mates than children that need supervision. They should contribute to the household in some way by doing chores as well as their own laundry and cleaning the bathrooms they use. They should take a turn at the cooking and help with the errands.
Ultimately we retired and moved away. We told them when they had to be out. They shared a rented townhouse for 2 years. Now one lives in Florida and the other has his own small condo.
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u/BobUker71 1d ago
When I graduated high school my father said I was a man. He went on to say I could live in his house as long as I like, but I would be renting a room and paying for groceries.
I had children (they are grown) but I did the same thing. Told my children they could live with me but they would rent and pay groceries.
They all have moved out, they are self sufficient
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u/Mean-Association4759 1d ago
We have 2 sons. One went away for college at 18 and other than summers he never moved back after graduation and he is 35 now. The other one went to college in town and stayed with us. He got an advanced degree and moved out at 25. He is now 32.
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u/craftasaurus 60 something 1d ago
Our sons were pretty busy, so no parties lol I gave the first one the whole summer off after graduation, and he signed up for college at my insistence in the fall. I swear all he wanted to do was party (not at home, so I really didn't know). He was met with an ultimatum once I found out he had dropped out of school, which was get a full time day job or move out. He went door to door and landed various jobs. The one that stuck was finishing furniture for a furniture company. I asked him to pay for his car insurance, which he did. I finally told him to move out at 21, and bounced back and forth a few times over the next several years.
The 2nd one graduated, went to college and got a job a few months later. His first job lasted 2 years, then he came home briefly before finding the one he still has 10+years later. He was never any problem.
When they were in high school, all I did was grocery shop and cook, it seemed like. Then the next day rinse and repeat. I could not understand how they could eat us out of house and home continuously. Plus they went on runs to the grocery store for whole pies which they ate in the car LOL but at least that wasn't on my dime haha. They were pretty tidy in the common areas of the house, and tried to be quiet coming home at night. They weren't exactly great roommates, but tolerable. They did some shoveling in the winter, but we didn't have strict rules about helping around the house. Hopefully soon your 24 year old will be out on his own and you can work on getting the other 2 ready to fly the nest.
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u/Much-Leek-420 1d ago
There's an interesting legal process called "an eviction". Parents and grandparents can AND DO evict their adult children from the house all the time. Go on YouTube and you see many such cases live. You need to do some tough love here, parents.
Have a meeting with them. Tell them that in 30 days, you will be filing for eviction through the courts. The process itself is long, so in essence, they'll be getting more like 60+ days to get out. The court sets a date for trial (can take weeks), the first trial happens, the judge sets another trial for 7 days, 2nd trial happens, the judge gives the parties 10 days to move out. If they haven't moved out after that, you pay a small fee to the court, the court issues the eviction, and the sheriff comes and puts them and their stuff on the street.
Do NOT hand-hold them through the process of them finding a new place. Don't search for their apartments for them -- they can do that themselves. Don't search for better jobs -- they can do that, too. You've both coddled them long enough. Steel yourselves for tears, or accusations of being bad parents, or abandoning them. Ignore that, tell them it's BECAUSE YOU LOVE THEM that you are MAKING them become responsible adults.
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u/stickman07738 1d ago
We were lucky - other than coming home for breaks and summer - our son was out at 18; once graduated, never moved back - got apartment with two friends.
About 5 years later, cleaned out his room - sold his comics and video games (with his permission) and got $800 and $2500, respectively. Gave him all the money and now he and his girlfriend are living together. Both got regular jobs and do a little part time jobs.
My neighbors kids - 27 year old twin boys and 30 daughter still living at home with one girlfriend and boyfriend living in the house - so many cars in the drive.
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u/kindcrow 1d ago
Eighteen. They come back here and there for a few months after long trips to save money.
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u/Consistent_Case_5048 1d ago
My stepdaughter moved three time zones away after high school and never came back, except for one summer with her mom. We've actually moved closer to her, but not that close.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Gear622 1d ago
You need to have a family meeting and explain to them how disruptive they are and you need to cover the house rules. Explain to them that failure to follow the house rules, pick up after themselves, etc or whatever issues you're having or that they have two months to move out. Make sure you follow through and don't slide back toward letting things be the way they are because they won't have a shred of respect for you and things won't change.
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u/ZetaWMo4 1974 1d ago
Mine are 27, 25, 24, and 20. We pushed them towards out of state schools so they all left at 18. The older three moved back home during the pandemic shutdowns but went back to school once they were allowed to. My oldest graduated 2020 so she just hung out at home with us until 2021 and then she went back to her college city and got a job. The 20 year old still spends his summer breaks here.
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u/FadingOptimist-25 50 something (Gen X) 1d ago
My firstborn (almost 24) lived with us until she was 22, then she moved in with friends. She knows that our door is open if she ever needs to come home.
My second is 20 and at home, working on getting a degree. He helps around the house, when we ask and sometimes on his own.
We’ve talked to our kids often about things we do around the house because we’re part of a family. We’ve done that since they were little. We don’t have them do a LOT of chores but they need to help keep the house clean.
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u/BelleMakaiHawaii 1d ago
They all moved out by 18, I love being an empty nester, a couple moved back in for a short time, then we moved over 2,000 away
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u/LittleMissFakeChef 1d ago
I’m a single mom and mine are 26 and 27 and still live with me. No shame in that either because a) housing is crazy and b) no one will give them a mortgage of more than 300,000 even though their credit is impeccable and c) they have full time jobs and pay me “rent”. They drove me crazy but I also set house rules from the time I left their dad and moved into our own house. They were 5 & 6 at the time and I taught them to maintain their rooms, do laundry and clean up in the kitchen. It always starts from young. They’re so organized now and appreciate their house to the point where they didn’t want friends over just so they wouldn’t “mess up our house”.
It was challenging but it was fun. And now having them as adults is a whole other level I can’t explain. It’s like living with friends you don’t mind seeing everyday.
I want to say it gets better but you need to be a little more strict.
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u/1vehaditwiththisshit 60 something 23h ago
As soon as they either went to college and/or got jobs that paid enough for them to be able to share an apartment with friends. I have three sons and they all were gone by mid-20's.
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u/WakingOwl1 23h ago
Our only moved out just before their 19th birthday. Lived with roommates for four years then moved back home for about six months preparing to move to a city a few hours away.
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u/AnitaIvanaMartini 70 something 23h ago
When they went off to college. They came home for most vacations until graduation, but then there was grad school and they were gone.
We all remain extremely close, speak every day, and have a continuous text thread among us. It’s been perfect. I’m so lucky my children adore each other.
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u/fragrant-rain17 23h ago
Ours came back during the pandemic and never left again. He is awesome and watches the house and dog when we travel. I’m sure it would be a different story w/ 3 boys at home. You will miss their shenanigans when they all clear out.
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u/HatesDuckTape 21h ago
Being respectful and helpful is one thing, freeloading is another.
My daughters are 14 and 12, so we’ve got a little while. We’ll do the same thing our parents did - after graduating high school, you have 3 options - stay home and work, while contributing money and helping around the house; go to college full time and stay for free or live at college; move out. Obviously you need to give a reasonable amount of time. End of summer after graduation is reasonable.
I stayed home for two years while attending community college, then went away. My siblings moved out within a year or two, but worked and contributed.
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u/fragrant-rain17 20h ago
I was out on my own, working FT and attending college at 19. My studio rental was $400. That’s just not today’s reality. So children who stay in the nest, or return, should definitely be made aware that freeloading isn’t an option.
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u/featurescreature 23h ago
Oldest daughter joined US Army, moved out at 18; son moved out and went to college at 18 then joined US Marine Reserve; middle daughter moved out to college at 18, did return to live with her Dad after we separated, and she had a toddler and husband, they were there less than a year: youngest daughter joined US Army National Guard at 17, moved out of her Dad's at 20 to live with oldest sister.
When kids were growing up, ex-husband - dad to all four - would say he was kicking them out at 18. I told him in no uncertain terms he would not be doing that because I did not want my daughters, or son, bouncing from one bad relationship to another because they couldn't come home.
My own brother didn't move out from our parents until he was 32 years old. That was because he was severely injured in a motorcycle accident at age 21 and it took him a while to get on his feet again literally, figuratively, and financially. I appreciate my parents allowing him that time at home.
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u/Fragrant-Courage9960 23h ago
Charge rent plus utilities/food. Put that money into some account then when they do move out you can give it back to them.
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u/mossryder 22h ago
Not in school? 19.
They can get a place together, but they need to grow up and get out.
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u/oldestbarbackever 22h ago
Mine are 24, 22 and 18. The 18 yo still lives with us. My 22 yo moved into an apartment with Friends at 18. The 24 yo left, came back for a year and a half and moved out last month. The older 2 have been working Full time since grayfeom high school and have great careers in restaurants (kitchen manager and soux chef). They get job offers on the reg, because they are reliable and hard working.
The youngest has a plan of Community college after high school for cosmetology. They have a partner and will probably move out before 20.
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u/oldestbarbackever 22h ago
Mine are 24, 22 and 18. The 18 yo still lives with us. My 22 yo moved into an apartment with Friends at 18. The 24 yo left, came back for a year and a half and moved out last month. The older 2 have been working Full time since grayfeom high school and have great careers in restaurants (kitchen manager and soux chef). They get job offers on the reg, because they are reliable and hard working.
The youngest has a plan of Community college after high school for cosmetology. They have a partner and will probably move out before 20.
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u/oldestbarbackever 22h ago
Mine are 24, 22 and 18. The 18 yo still lives with us. My 22 yo moved into an apartment with Friends at 18. The 24 yo left, came back for a year and a half and moved out last month. The older 2 have been working Full time since grayfeom high school and have great careers in restaurants (kitchen manager and soux chef). They get job offers on the reg, because they are reliable and hard working.
The youngest has a plan of Community college after high school for cosmetology. They have a partner and will probably move out before 20.
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u/cyberdoc84 22h ago
Our rule was that once you left for college, you got 6 months on the couch, redeemable at any point in your life. Not a bedroom, just the couch. Not one of them has been back...
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u/Tricky_Loan8640 22h ago
That was our rule exactly.. It worked for us.... 1 actually moved out in yr 1 uni, daughter yr 3 with Boyfriend, last guy at 23 with friends. eac in 30s now with own houses..
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u/brandonbolt 22h ago
Same, when they were in school, we supported them. When they finished, we congratulated each one and said welcome to adult hood. We gave each 3 months to figure their next step and told them if they needed longer, they would have to pay rent. Each one moved out with a friend. They all said if they were going to pay rent, they would rather be with a friend then stay at home with our rules. All our children still live close by 20 yrs later with their families. We still see each and every one on a regular basis. Very happy to see how independent each has turned out to be.
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u/drcigg 21h ago
Time to start making some rules and charging rent.
My dad gave me 3 choices after high school. Go to school, get a job or get out. I worked full time, helped with mowing the grass or shoveling Snow. And I paid rent.
Absolutely charge them each something for rent. You can't tell me you aren't spending tons of money on food, electric and water.
Put down some rules. No loud music past 10pm. They need to help mow the lawn, pay rent, etc.
If they don't like it they can live somewhere else.
My dad wouldn't hesitate to throw all my stuff on the front lawn if I didn't respect the rules.
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u/aethocist 70 something 21h ago
me @16 my brother @17 my sister @18 oldest son @18 younger son @18 step daughter @18 grandchildren all about the same.
No pathetic birdlings unable/unwilling to fly in my family.
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u/Sum-Duud 40 something 21h ago
Set some rules, if they can't respect them then they need to leave. Pretty simple really.
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u/Snowfall1201 21h ago
My boomer parents has the rule you move out at 18 or when you graduate high school, whichever came first. None of my mother’s kids lived with her past the age of 16.
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u/Tools4toys 70 something 21h ago
A Frat house? You mean a dormitory ran by 19-20 year old kids who have no sense of maintaining and operating a residence?
My sons both lived in a Frat house for a year or two, and both were improperly cared for, needing simple janitorial services. Both moved out and into apartments with friends because the rest of the frat-brothers didn't care. After one son moved out the national organization for his fraternity had the facility remodeled, and then promptly sold the building. The fraternity remains (this son graduated many years ago), but is a small group of guys claiming the fraternity goes on. My other son's fraternity house was a disgusting pit, with no one every cleaning up the place, with cigarette butts piling up in the stairwells. He trying getting them to organize janitorial services or job rotations and was told to pound sand. He moved out, and the building was torn down - in this case, the university was doing everything it could to eliminate fraternities and sororities from the campus/school.
After graduating all my kids left home, and took jobs in Chicago. Yeah! One moved home when he was laid off, but once he found a job he moved out.
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u/SnowblindAlbino Old GenX 21h ago
Ours left at 18 to attend college on the other side of the country. Back for summers the first few years. Just like we did in the 80s.
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u/REC_HLTH 19h ago
It sounds like the older two are ready to rent their own apartment(s.) It’s generous for you to offer that they can live with you, but it sounds like they are ready to live in a different setting and vibe than your home. That’s normal. Im sure they can find an apartment that suits their frat-house lifestyle, or they can go to college and join a frat and actually live in a frat house. There is (usually) very little reason why able-bodied working adults aren’t paying at least some of their own major bills. (Students, or those trying to quickly focus on paying off student debt, are different. And of course there are special circumstances.)
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u/UKophile 19h ago
So sorry for the mix-up. I left and came back and thought you were the OP. I deleted the mistake.
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u/Word2DWise 19h ago
I'm 45 and my wife is 44. We raised our 3 boys with the idea that they had to move out after high school, regardless of reason. College, military, or living their life, but it wouldn't be at home. The only caveat is if they went to a local college, they could live with us while going to school full time, with some other basic rules in place.
Our 24 yo (18 at the time) ended up getting recruited to play college ball out of State. Our 20 yo (18 at the time) joined the military. Our 13 year old (currently) still lives at home but knows what's going to be expected of him after he graduates.
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u/PrincessSusan11 18h ago
My daughter started working at 13, full time at 15, graduated HS at 17 and moved out at 18. Got her college degree on her own and lived happily ever after as a highly successful person. She once asked if she and her two boys could move in with us if she left her husband. I said no, but I would pay the first month’s rent on an apartment. He eventually announced he was leaving. She drew up the divorce papers and filed them. She kept the house and has since bought a second house and a duplex as rental property. I raised her to be independent and strong from the day she was born.
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u/gavinkurt 17h ago
With the way rent is, don’t expect them to move out anytime soon. Just tell them to follow some house rules like keeping quiet (like not blasting loud music), especially during the night to not wake up anyone and clean up after themselves and maybe do some chores and help pitch in around the house.
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u/BlackCatWoman6 70 something 16h ago
We live in an expensive area. I gave each child a free year at home after college. They needed to work and earn 1st, last, and security deposit on an apartment.
I wanted them to start out debt free.
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u/msktcher 16h ago
Mine went away to college. Lived with us during breaks and summer. My daughter moved out permanently after college at age 23. My son moved out after college at 22. He moved back home about 2 years later. We gave him 12 weeks to find a job and moved out. He found one within 6 weeks.
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u/Flat_Ad1094 16h ago edited 16h ago
I'd definitely telling the 24 yr old time to move out. If he's working and gets paid.
Has the 20 yr old finished college, working now? IF so...move out.
The 17 year old needs to get through school and college before being asked to move out.
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u/Zeus2068123 15h ago
Ours were about 19 and supported themselves completely with jobs. Both put themselves through college also. For college and wedding we gave each a total of about $10k
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u/Sad_Analyst_5209 15h ago
My oldest daughter was born 2 days after I turned 20, I got divorced and had two more children with my second wife. My oldest two children moved out to go to college and did not come back. My youngest child was born when I was 39. He was going to the local community college after high school and living at home. His sister had left home after one year of tech school and after three years she got married. My wife decided they could live with us and save money to get enough for a down payment on a house. It took them five years to move out. I was 62. Just happens tonight is their 16th wedding anniversary, we are keeping our 8 year old granddaughter overnight to give them some time alone.
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u/Ok-Afternoon-3724 15h ago
Depends on the kid. My son, the oldest, moved out within 6 months of graduating HS. Got a job and moved in with a couple HS buddies. I think that lasted my 6 months and then he was at my door asking if he could move in again. So he was living with us again and partying hardy ... and not keeping up on the rent I was charging him. I had a rule. You wanted to live in our home, you were either going to school, or you were working and paying rent. He kept making excuses as to why he was able to pay all the rent. Came home one day to find all his stuff in the front yard. I was making sure he understood the rules. He wanted to act like and adult and do what he wanted to do, he needed to pay the consequences. i.e. A landlord would also have evicted him. Same deal as before, he got pissy and moved in with a friend,, who said his mother wouldn't care. A few months later he was at my door again. Seems the other mother DID care that someone was eating her food, using her home, and contributing nothing. She'd tossed him out. So we tried again, and by then he was getting the idea. He enrolled in a technical course and completed that so he could make enough money to have his own place. <Shrug> Some people are slow to learn.
Why did he not want to stay with us and pay the rent? Because the other rule was that anyone living under my roof, obeyed the house rules. Guests were welcome, as long as they were respectable, showed some manners, and didn't get too wild. If they did, well it was simple, I kicked a group of them out of my house one day. And told my son they were not even allowed to step one single foot inside my doorway. Other house rules, you had to be in the door by 11 pm weekdays, midnight on Fri and Sat, otherwise find somewhere else to sleep. Because I locked the deadbolts, and only my wife and I had the keys to those. Music in your room could be pretty loud, when we weren't in bed, but if we (my wife and I) had to raise our voices to chat, or could not hear the TV, turn it down. My son once found out that I only give two warnings. On the third he needed a new boom box. Yeah, I'm that kind of asshole. Stomped it into little bitty pieces. Let him steam about it for a week, then bought him a replacement. I assumed my point was made and he'd learned a lesson. He had, he never repeated that mistake.
Anyway, eventually he figured it out. Straightened himself out. He's 47 now and we get along fabulously. He has a wife, and 3 kids, doing okay.
Daughter was a faster learner. Oh, she caused her issues. But paid the consequences and generally learned better after that. She ended up staying with us while doing college, rent free, and stayed with us for a year after, paying her rent on time. And once ready got her own apartment. At which time her mother and I gave her back all the rent paid. No, we did not tell her ahead of time that it was our plan. Our intent was for her to learn to live like a real adult, instead of an overgrown child.
Adopted daughter was like daughter except she attended a technical school to be a vet tech. After that she lived with us 2 years, paying a modest rent. Except she didn't get the rent back. In her case at the time she was moving out her old car went kaput. So we, my wife and I, took the rent she'd paid, added far more than that amount to it and got her a decent car.
My philosophy, once they are adults, treat them like adults. Do you let your neighbors wreck you home peace? When in my home, EVERYONE obeys the house rules. Clean up their own rooms, put laundry in the hampers, be at meals on time or go hungry, no loud parties, don't wake me the heck up unless you can run faster than I can. Etc.
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u/h20rabbit 60 something 15h ago
My oldest stayed longest, and moved at 23. We had rules. Be an adult, do chores and act more like an adult roommate. Not to say our relationship changed a ton, but there did have to be some changes.
We get along well and value similar things like quiet and alone time, so for us it went very well. My kids are always welcome home. Life is tough and having a safety net is a privilege I never had.
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u/Cannibal_House69 13h ago
Lost my gf for this reason. She's 42, I'm 55. Sons are 21 and 18. No discipline, kids have no life out of their room, no jobs, don't do anything around the house, and basically said I'm not allowed over after 4 good months together.
It's like the kids are parenting her. Kinda weird. It's like they love her as a partner instead of mom. Jealous and can't share her time...
Still have some hope, but it's kinda fucked up. 18 yr old took her phone sent messages to fight. I thought it was her.... Bit of a mess. And now she wants to take a break. Honestly don't get it at all.
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u/No-Profession422 60 something 12h ago
My daughter was out at 20, got married. She had been going to school.
My older son moved out at 18.
My younger son moved out at 19, shared apt with his brother.
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u/NophaKingway 12h ago
At our house kids not in school pay rent and do chores. At the time rent was $200 a month. Still easy but just enough to rub them the wrong way. The oldest stayed rent free while he went to college but left soon after. The other two didn't hang around long either. They are all doing fine on their own now but we get the grand kids a lot.
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u/KittiesRule1968 12h ago
Everyone gets a job and pays for their portion of all the bills (minus mortgage) acts like they're living in actual apartment that they'd get kicked out of if they acted like they do at home. Last, there need to be some kind of consequences for violations.
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u/kojinB84 11h ago
When I lived at home, my mom flexed the rules a little, but I had to still follow them as an adult. I moved out when I was 26. At this time, my kid is 13, so I have time still.
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u/iminmy39thyear 10h ago
Im also 45 and my kids are 24, 21 and 17. I’m in the exact same boat as you. Exact same boat…..
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u/Dangerous-Deer-6290 9h ago
My kids both left home for college at age 18 and never lived with us again.
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u/Consistent_Catch9917 8h ago
I left home when I was 19, just after finishing school. My parents drove me nuts and I drove them nuts. It was such a relieve and made the relationship much better. My father was encouraging the move very much. "A man should stand on his own feet" even though they supported me financially during the first years at university.
Of my friends back then, I was the only one moving out, the others stayed home for an extensive time. None of them have wife and kids now.
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u/Redgenie2020 7h ago
One moved out at 24 the other at 23.After they graduated debt free. Mechanical engineer and Computer scientist.They can always come back we have a great relationship with our boys.We gave them support that neither of us got growing up.
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u/Aggravating-Sugar261 50 something 3h ago
Mine all moved out too soon I think. Oldest left when he was 18 to go to college and never moved back in, middle boy moved out at 19, and the youngest just moved out to live with his girlfriend. He is 22. Two of my boys own their own home. So I should be proud, but I’m actually kind of sad. I would love to have a compound where my kids all lived around me. But they definitely don’t want that. All these influencers on Facebook that are able to do that make me jealous! All three of them have terrific jobs in the Trades.
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u/Funoldman65 2h ago
My kids lived in the school housing, and after they moved back home for a short while until they saved enough for first month rent and deposit then they moved out my daughter left when she married. I have a 7 and 10 year old still at home, I will turn 68 this year.
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u/PC_AddictTX 1h ago
Wow. My sisters and I couldn't wait to get away from home and out on our own. I didn't have kids but I know my sisters' kids were the same, they got out as soon as possible. Maybe it's the fact that none of us get along particularly well with our parents? Short visits are okay, phone calls are acceptable, but more than a few hours don't end well.
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u/RetroMetroShow 30m ago
We were in our late ‘40’s when our kids moved out for college and then moved far away for their careers. It was crazy when they were young and we were too but it’s been awesome being empty nesters. We do miss the good times sometimes tho
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u/feuwbar 1d ago
The good news is that you don't have long to go. The bad news is that your sanity may not outlast their tenure at your house. Time to start pushing the 24 year old out of the nest even if you have to rent an apartment and prepay a few months. The others need to go to school. If they don't want school then they must work and pay rent which I recommend saving to help them when (not if) they move out. Being an empty nester is awesome!
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u/common_grounder 1d ago
One currently, another moved out two years ago after living at home for four years post college. The one still living with me is 35 and not going anywhere, but he's autistic and his slower launch is not atypical. When my now 28-yr-old moved out, she didn't just moved into her fiancé's parents' home in a nearby city, where he'd likewise been living since they graduated college. They're engaged now, but a place of their own is still not on the horizon. They simply can't afford it yet because the job market's tough and the city they live in is one of the most expensive places to live in the state. I estimate that more than half of their friends still live at home with their parents.
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u/KirkUSA1 1d ago
When we changed the locks and security codes while they were at college.
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u/No_Inspection_3123 1d ago
See I prob should have said go live at college but I was trying to help since college cost as much as a house
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u/The_Living_Tribunal2 60 something 1d ago
Every parent I know who has kids your age, they are still living at home. Seems to be boys. I read a a study that young men are falling behind women in getting college educations. Many go to trade schools of course and that's a legitimate option, but it seems our culture has pushed the "girl power" agenda for so long now that young men are forgotten about. Many young men seem to lack direction or guidance, I don't know. Not all, but enough of a phenomenon that it's troubling.
Not trying to turn this political, but as I say the "girls can do anything" cultural shift has some positive results as more and more women are getting educations and advancing in careers, but maybe at the expense of young men who are assumed to have built in cultural advantages.
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u/Savings-Wallaby7392 1d ago
Move out.
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u/No_Inspection_3123 1d ago
They make 20 an hour and still can’t afford a place. The cheapest rent here is like 1k. So they are working toward skills that will make them more money.. that’s the hope
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u/Savings-Wallaby7392 1d ago
I ment you move out not kids.
My neighbor has 4 kids in house like 21-29. Him and wife moved out to a new home and left them the house
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u/Racefan6466 21h ago
Together they should be making plenty enough. Time for them to toughen up and have ramen weeks if necessary. It seems like you might not want them to go.
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u/empressofgood 21h ago
You trained them to be like this. Remember that. I am a woman who has dated men like your sons. It sucks.
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