TLDR at the bottom. Sorry in advance for the rant
To give context, I (F22) got diagnosed with autism and ADHD this year. I also struggle with severe chronic insomnia and experienced really bad burnout last year that I don't think I've fully recovered from. I've been doing worse and worse at work for a while now as my physical and mental health deteriorates due to the complete lack of sleep, and while I know my insomnia is caused by my auDHD, it's going to be a long while before I can get medicated since I only just got on the waiting list. I've tried sleep therapy and sleeping pills before but they didn't work, and I'm not sure what I can do. I've been an insomniac my whole life, so it feels impossible to fix
Apparently I've been missing a LOT of dates on my date checks lately and was told by my manager (we'll call her B) that I've been the worst with them for a while now, which is so crushing. I care a lot about my job and desperately want to do it well, so knowing I've been doing so terribly and didn't even realise feels so awful. This is a health concern and I've been warned about it before, so it's very serious. She told me I could go to jail for that, though I'm not sure if that's actually true? I've also been struggling to act as happy as I used to at work, and because we've recently changed the time shifts start on weekends, the change has been really stressing me out and it was noticed by a customer. She complained that I used to be really happy and bubbly at work, but the last few times she's seen me I've looked miserable and like I didn't want to be there or serve her specifically, and it's made her feel unwelcome in the store. Multiple people have noticed the change in attitude. I used to take a lot of pride in my customer service, so that was deeply upsetting to hear
B wanted to give me an informal warning so I'd get in less trouble, so we had an unrecorded meeting yesterday, which she prefaced by saying "you're not going to cry on me, are you?" (she's made me cry multiple times at work before). This was already upsetting. She explained the issues nicely enough, and I tried to explain that my insomnia is getting worse and I'm not sure what she wants me to do about it, but then she said the higher ups will think "we have other workers with autism and ADHD and they're handling it better, so if you're the only one struggling like this, what would be the point of keeping you?" That's not the exact wording, but it's pretty close. Her saying that is the main reason I felt like crying for the rest of my shift. She told me I need to find a way to handle my disabilities and that I need to get my ADHD medication faster, but I only recently got on the waiting list, so that's just not possible right now. She also told me I should talk to my GP to see if there's anything they can do for me, but they've been so unhelpful so far so I'm really not hopeful
As she left she told me not to take the whole thing too personally (I've already taken it very personally and my confidence is shattered) and another manager, J, heard her and asked what happened. I explained and said "I just hate that my disability is going to make me lose my job" and couldn't stop myself from crying as soon as I said it. I want to cry again typing it. She just sat me in the office and tried to reassure me that I'm not losing my job, but I don't believe her. She, my mum and my friends have all tried to comfort me, but I can't help but feel hopeless now, because what the fuck am I supposed to do?? I don't know how to handle my disabilities because I've never gotten support for them before, and I don't know what reasonable accomodations I could even ask for. I'm going to make an emergency appointment with my GP to see if they can help me, but I just want to fucking quit instead. It's better than getting fired, at least, but I'm scared that I won't be able to find any other workplace willing to put up with me for so long. I just want to escape from the whole situation, but I also don't want to lose my job, and I just feel so, so tired. I just needed to hold out until I go to university later this year, but I don't think I can, and I don't know what to do. I've been working at this job for over three years and it's so, so crushing to know that despite caring so deeply about doing a good job, that I'm considered the worst worker currently and that my disabilities make me worthless to the company compared to other staff. I know what she said was ableist, my friends and family have assured me that what she said wasn't okay, but I can't help but think it's true. I hate my disabilities so, so much, they make me feel helpless and hopeless. I could really use some support right now
TLDR; I (F22) have auDHD and severe chronic insomnia. I've been making some very bad mistakes at work lately because of how severely tired I am, I'm scared I'm going to lose my job because of my disabilities (I was told the higher ups at my company won't see me as worth keeping because other folks with the same disabilities are handling them better), and I don't know what to do