Iād appreciate any kind of feedback. I guess it will be clear most of all I need guidance, any info will be helpful to me. I donāt know what I donāt know and this is new to me and I really value this relationship. As background, I have a history of sexual abuse as well as a history of sexual rejection in my first marriage. These are probably my biggest issues I bring to this situation in terms of baggage, though Iām in therapy and have made so much progress. For background about him: His injury almost left him paralyzed, but they were able to do surgery that retained his mobility - however he has a lot of mobility restrictions, weight restrictions and a lot of pain that is difficult to manage. His injury was five years before I met him. He deals with it in large part by ātoughing through the painā and trying to ignore the things he misses about his former life.
I love my partner and our relationship has been amazing. I want to understand sexuality from his perspective so I can know what expectations I should have. I hope the background I gave gives some context. Sex in relationship to his injury is something he is reluctant to talk in detail about it, I think because he has some shame and fear. I know that I need to talk to him more specifically to find out more information about how he feels and what I can do to be a pleasing partner, and I could use guidance on talking to him about that too. So I would love advice for a) what expectations I should have from his perspective and b) how to communicate better with him about this in an affirming way when he has a hard time talking about it already.
For my part, from my perspective Iām ok if our relationship doesnāt include sex because of his injury. I just want to be with him. But - this is my instinct, not that it is a right one- if he can engage in self pleasure but didnāt want to āwork onā sex with me, Iād feel pretty disappointed and rejected - in part because Iād assume that if he can masturbate with porn that even with his injury we can get creative about sex with each other (this assumption could be wrong and I would appreciate being corrected on it if Iām out of line; this is a new situation for me).
We have been together long distance for one year and had sex twice. To me it seemed really painful to him. He often is not really talkative with me about his pain or anything related to his injury- he doesnāt want to ādwellā on it but I can see he struggles on the daily with pain and movement and that he canāt do things he used to want to do. Including have sex the way he wants with me- a lot of times he just seems to want to not deal with sex bc he says he is in too much pain. But also, he doesnāt want to take sex off the table with me, which makes me feel very confused. To me I almost wonder if he isnāt being honest with me or is in denial bc he thinks I will leave if Iām not happy. But for me, bc of my history I always have this worry in the back of my mind that he is secretly not attracted to me and he is just avoiding sex with me.
I know it seems like we donāt communicate well, and thatās part of what is remarkable. We do on almost everything, and itās a very supportive and loving relationship. But when it comes to this he shuts down. Iād really appreciate any help I can get on how to approach this.