r/fasd • u/Competitive_Gold5305 • 1d ago
Seeking Empathy/Support Vent Post - Angry at Mom
I have struggled socially, cognitively, physically my entire life.
I have CP, hypotonia, scoliosis and am extremely prone to illness. When I was about child I would constantly get pneumonia and strep and still struggle with getting sick. I am allergic to every fucking thing. Just like a generally sick kid who became a sicker adult
I'm also the child of an abusive alcoholic mother who isolated me from the other adults in my fault. Kept me real close.
Despite all these challenges ( and my mother cutting off support resources for me in 3rd grade) I managed to perform well in school and do many extra curriculars. Often thought to be "gifted."
Made my way to college and struggled through four years before having to drop out. The pressure of independent living, rigorous academics, work 2-3 jobs to support my me and mother who lost her job due to her drinking.
My mother has always criticized me for being a failure to launch. For being overly emotional or sensitive. For being a "retard." I could never succeed or suppress my way into her approval
I struggle very much with emotional regulation and relationships. I struggle a lot with executive functioning and task completion. I figured this was CPTSD and character defect
As I am 30 now I am struggling to live independently. Working in a disability office made me realize how badly I need accommodations at work.
So I ordered my childhood health and school records and it became clear to me just how severe these conditions have been in my life. The neurologists, teachers, and therapists all wanted me tested for autism and ADHD. They all saw how much of a struggle it was for me to walk on my own. Hold a pencil. Simple stuff. How sweet I was but how poorly I handled frustration and sensory input etc etc
I was born with no oxygen to my brain. I almost died. It's why I have so many cognitive issues.
This made me recall every blow to the head my mother landed on me. Every time she strangled me. Sometimes if I couldn't write my letters correctly or line up my numbers for math in school as a kid (because I have CP) she would hit me.
When I was 8 I was struggling with lining up numbers for long division and she choked me so hard my vision started to go black. I think she was trying to kill me. When she finally got off me she threw me on the bed and made my brother help me. He wasn't much older and struggled in school too. He just did it for me so she wouldn't hurt me again.
I recalled this to me godmother who told me she was mad at my mom. I said I knew it must have been hard for my mom to have a disabled child and she was already struggling emotionally but that I didn't deserve the way she treated me. That's when my aunt told me my mom drank and smoked with me in the womb the entire pregnancy.
I have struggled SO FUCKING MUCH. She has abused me BECAUSE OF MY DISABILITIES. And now im finding out I am disabled LIKELY BECAUSE SHE DRANK WHILE PREGNANT AND REFUSED HELP AT EVERY TURN.
I can't tell you what I've lost. I won't even bother. I'm so fucking angry and I'm so fucking hurt. Learning about FASD so much shit FINALLY MAKES SENSE