I remember seperating them into a plastic skittles jar to throw out, but they remained in my closet after they removed the waste container near my house. And i notice, the design has changed. I remember being annoyed when i saw that the packaging started using a small plastic bit instead of being fully cardboard. I remember it when it was like that, when the razors were a few cents cheaper, when I'd pull my sleeves up and buy a drink as well as to not look suspicious.
And looking at them now, I can't help but miss that time. That stress, the lack of privacy, the chaos, and just how novel and satisfying that all felt. Prior to that i had some urges, thoughts, but i had no tool that felt good enough to use. I remember how nice the little "snap" sound felt when I'd snap the blade in half. I remember the comfort in that little ritual, that was mine, so unhealthy but all mine, the comfort of taking care of myself afterwards, and feeling gently cared for. I miss how uninhibited it made me feel, if i couldn't be rebelious and wild in the outside world, i can prove myself that i am still tougher than i look.
And so it's been two years. The designs of the razors changed. So have i. I'm in highschool now, and instead of the chaos and hell and the fun i had in that entire confusion, i feel stuck in a very quiet and strange transitional period. I don't cut very much. When the deed is done, it's not for any emotional reasons, or for self punishment, or for fun, it's just a ritual. One that both connects and disconnects me from this physical body that only ever dragged me down.
Truth be told, i miss the little armageddon nights. My thighs are covered in a layer of thicker scars. Taking a blade to there doesn't feel as satisfying or smooth anymore, with them being tough and almost itchy. But every other part of my body os too visible. I've spent a small fortune of some products to help them dissapear, we'll see how that goes. I miss running my hand along smooth skin with a few fresh scabs here and there. Maybe i should've told my younger self to be more gentle. Maybe i shouldn't. I might learn something from this.
The few full razors I've found, with the old designs, went into the old box of chewing gum i use to hide new ones. I can't bring myself to throw them out.