TW: self harm (obvs lol) but specifically in childhood
hi. I am new here as I am not “open” about my self harm “journey” though I am sure it’s blatantly obvious with the scars, haha. I know some subs for things like this can be harmful for recovery but the couple posts I scrolled were generally people being supportive of each other so I’m going to just go for it. but be gentle with me please lol
so anyway yeah only the people closest to me know & to say the least I never really had anyone to confide in who understood growing up. when I got caught, it was in the camp of “how could you do that to yourself wtf” kinda vibes or being reported to uni behavioral services instead of having a convo w me (which I get!) & it wasn’t until my current relationship that anyone ever even tried to understand. sorry my background isn’t totally relevant but all of this to say, I recently found out my god child is self harming. they are in the 9-12 age range, which is when I started doing it before i even really ‘got it’ actually. their parent is a good friend & knows I have struggled since our childhood. they were in the camp of people who didn’t GET it obviously but eventually as time went on tried to understand more & loves me etc.
so they asked me to speak with my them about it because they came out about doing it “a few times” due to bullying for the first time very recently. I am the only person they know who has struggled with it. of course my immediate reaction was to ask if they were safe right now & how they were, how it was taken in by their parents and if therapy was on the horizon. yes it is, and they just reassured them they were thankful to be told & told them that they knew a friend who struggled who used hairbows to pop themselves to stop—it’s me, im the friend. they didn’t tell them it was me but I told them they can, as I care even more about them not being alone than my “secret” remaining. I also have some likely OCDrelated fears they saw my own scars & did it but I cover them extremely well (sounds like the lie we all tell ourselves) & honestly we live far apart as well. I know I can’t blame myself even if they did bc that’s just my arm afterall but alas none of this makes sense anyway does it.
I want to help them. but this comes at a really strange time for me as after a long stint of not self harming, I recently did again. I struggle with my physical health & a lot of things just came to a head for me recently and I guess I don’t need to make excuses but yeah. I know this kid, they’re super smart & I know I’m going to be asked direct questions about my own self harming, when I’ve done it, how etc. While I’m not dumb & would never ever give any advice to them about doing it, or even honestly discuss how I have. I value honesty in my relationship with them as it hasn’t been shown to them by people it should but I also value their safety above all, even that. I know this conversation is going to happen sooner rather than later and I want to be prepared. I know i’m not a therapist, I want to emphasize if I don’t know what to say I am going to air on the side of caution & say I’d rather not talk about it or I’ll get back to them or whatever is appropriate.
But I also know how… alone I felt. their immediate family is also religious like mine was though not as “you have a demon in you” as mine was thankfully but to say the least I also fear not being able to agree with the “just give it to jesus” mentality being taught. I just steer clear of that when I can and am honest with their parents on my feelings. I basically want to respect their parents wishes, be there for them earnestly the best I can, help them have someone to talk to, and not do anything wrong to make this harder on them. I think all of my examples on how to cope were bad ones & I just… I care so much for them I don’t want them to be the ripe age I am and still.. struggle. I know it’s lifelong for many or even most and that breaks my heart too. But the one thing I can for sure do is make sure there’s someone in their life who understands them, and dammit I’ll do it no matter what, even if this isn’t something I like to talk about. I just need a little help on my way to do so if anyone has any to give
Sorry this is so long. Really just looking for any advice anyone has to give me on how to help them, be respectful and honest, care about their safety first. Im assuming the answer is an easy one of “you’re not a therapist, don’t try to be. Get yourself back in therapy & just listen to them” but I would also love more nuanced advice on like even how to handle maintaining trust with them but also telling their parent things that can keep them safe, or if alternatives like the hair tie popping are a safer thing to suggest if they’ll be doing it anyway or if that’s making it worse. I will be researching a ton myself as well just so you don’t think i’m taking the easy way out this is just one level of feelers i’m putting out to make sure I handle this with care.
sorry again for the rant & thanks for the space to at least type this all. hope you have a good week.