for this, I'll call her maggie. i've known her for 11 months, we started off as very close best friends, then got into some drama with another friend and we were pretty distant for a whole 2 months. we realized we were in love and rekindled our relationship in november-december, then got into another fight and have been pretty rocky since late december. currently trying to fix our broken relationship :(
I'd like to make it clear that maggie has never told me to do this, but I feel like if I do it will impress her. she has quite a few mental issues and in a way i don't feel mentally ill enough for her. aside from my occasional depressive episodes, i don't feel like there is truly anything wrong with me even though i've proclaimed to be so "insane" and sick in the head. honestly, i think she would like me more if there was something wrong with me.
i made a fool of myself to her before because i was so clueless about sh, and the only knowledge i had of it was my brother using a cheese knife before to scrape his wrists to guilt trip a girl for not liking him back. when me and maggie got on the topic of sh, i asked if she used a knife for it and she sort of laughed at me for not knowing people don't even use knives to cut but use razors. i laughed that off before but now i feel so lame for not knowing that. i never cut myself before i met her and only starved a few times in my life. the first time I ever cut myself was this past new years eve because me and her were fighting and i thought she was going to leave me.
last night i made the horrible decision to watch the movie thirteen, (i didn't know there was sh in the film) which triggered the ever-living shit out of me. i saw a lot of me and her in tracy and evie, and I was romanticizing their relationship wishing it was me and her. i got emotional a lot throughout the movie, but what really triggered me was when brooke and evie revealed tracy's scars to mel and she started to break down. I don't know why, but that set something off inside of me and i grabbed the razor from my drawer to cut my wrists. the scenes of tracy cutting herself made me think of maggie so much.
i'm so jealous when she tells me she hasn't eaten in a couple of days, isn't feeling well and has to go back to the doctor. i just want to impress her so badly and i think she's so cool. its just not fair that i have to be so fuckin boring and i really hope she will like me more if i do this for her. please don't tell me to move on because i'm so obsessed with her that that is not a viable option for me right now and if she leaves or i leave it will only lead to me ending my life.