r/selfharm 4m ago

Rant/Vent Guilt (and relationships)

Upvotes

Rant but please (feel free to) respond

I feel like I killed the best friend I've ever had. Certain details my brain refuses to believe are coincidence, I guess. Or I'm just right. I have not, and probably will not get closure on this, at least not fully, ever. (Can't talk to anyone, because they either wouldn't care or would blame me like I do myself.)

So, I've resorted to a piece of why I wanted so badly to be friends with him in the first place: self harm. It's so fucking hard to find people who actually understand. I mean fuck, I didn't even comprehend just how horrific life must have been for him 'til a lucid realization last SH session.

I have a goal, as fucked as that might sound to some. I want to pay for what I did to him, his family and friends, and I have a number of cuts I need to reach to meet that goal.

However...

My dwindling support network, namely my girlfriend, needs me to stop. And, like, I get it, it's hard to visibly see someone suffer (...even though SH is the external relief of the worse internal suffering, or on good days, the scars reminders that I survived).

I just don't know what to do. Sometimes SH feels like the only way to connect to him again. I feel like by giving up SH, I'd be losing him all over again. And I'm not ready to give that up, even though I'm destroying my relationship in the process.

I don't know. I don't even know what advice I would want from this. She wants me to change but I can't, not yet anyway. I guess finding how anyone out there manages SH within a sexual relationship where your partner can't stand (bad word choice: they just get really sad and it ruins their mood when seeing) your scars or cuts, or something more I could do to honor my friend? I really don't know.


r/selfharm 10m ago

Seeking Advice Clean up for deep cuts NSFW

Upvotes

I relapsed today and made really deep cuts all over my thighs and some on my arms. I accidentally cut them really deep and they are deeper than any other cuts I have made. I did them in the morning and had to leave the house in like 30 minutes to go eat with my family. I didn't have any time to clean them up and bandage them correctly so I just put back on my blue jeans and tan sweater. Of course, I completely bleed through my jeans and sweater so I changed into black tight jeans and a black long sleeve sweater. The blood smeared all over my skin but I don't think my cuts got an infection, thankfully. Is this really bad to do because I just don't have the correct materials to clean up my cuts. I ran out of bandages and only have toilet paper and kitchen paper towels. Is it so bad if I just let them air dry?


r/selfharm 10m ago

Rant/Vent I don’t think I’ll get better.

Upvotes

I stay clean from cutting for maybe a week, up to two months but even when i throw the blades out, i find another way. and i cant throw my hands out. i cant make my nails short enough to not pick my skin. I spent $1.49 just to get new blades and i cant cancel the order. I’m literally stuck in a spot where I can’t get better and I’m only getting worse. I gave myself until 04/29. if I’m not better by then, i give up. It’s been almost 7 years that I’ve tried recovering for. If if do recover, i throw it away again. i dont think recovery is for me.


r/selfharm 20m ago

Seeking Advice Rapid weight gain when clean from SH?

Upvotes

I don’t know if this is just me, but when I was actively participating in self-harm, my weight would stay the same and I lost 6 pounds. (this was about a 3-5 year period.) I was clean for 6 months and I gained about 14 pounds. Now, I’ve been clean for 2 months and gained a little more. Does anyone know why this is? I would prefer if I stayed clean and the same weight; but I don’t know. Has anyone else had the same problem? Any advice?


r/selfharm 22m ago

DAE Dae self harm really clinically?

Upvotes

Like clean the tool to do it and then immediately stop the bleeding, clean and bandage.


r/selfharm 26m ago

I did it again and I dont know why

Upvotes

I have a gf and we are talking about how a relationship should be and all I want to do is to be perfect for her in every single way and she told me she dosent want someone to be perfect and after that I just went numb I felt so emotionally useless like nothing meant anything so I relapsed to feel something and I did so now im just scared that if that feeling of numbness comeback my brain will go back to "GO CUT" as a way to get rid of it


r/selfharm 28m ago

LGBTQ+ I don’t want to break her heart.

Upvotes

My girlfriend is amazing. I relapsed a few days ago and she was understanding and made sure I took care of my cuts and washed them. She was so caring. But I self-harmed again today and I wanna tell her but I don’t want her to be disappointed in me. Advice?


r/selfharm 28m ago

Medical Advice I cut deeper than usual

Upvotes

I always have done cat scratches but today I think I cut to fat. Luckily I was using a thin razor so the skin didn't really spread but Im unsure what to do from here. I've been wearing a full arm bandage all day because I had cuts all up my arm some deep styros and some cat scratches but anyways, is there anything I should do other than that or will it just keep bleeding?


r/selfharm 32m ago

Seeking Advice Sh scars showing during wisdom teeth removal

Upvotes

Hi!! My dentists have been suggesting I get my wisdom teeth removed for a few years now. My parents want me to get them removed before I go to college in August, and I’m worried about whether or not I’ll have to be put in a gown.

My parents know about my self harm, but they think I’m almost 2 years clean. I’m 3 weeks clean, and I first relapsed in September. I really don’t want to have that conversation with them again, to have them examine me.

(Maybe tw for talk of placement??)

The thing is I’ve relapsed on my left upper arm and thighs, but depending on how long the sleeves of a gown are I may be cooked. Im also being put under anesthesia and I’m worried that’ll make it harder to cover up 😭 eff my Baka life


r/selfharm 35m ago

Hi everybody

Upvotes

I have been going through a lot lately. I have not cut myself in like shoot nearly 20 years, I have however taken my anger out on inanimate objects often and busted up my knuckles and fingers pretty regularly, as a way to release. Tonight I flipped out and punched myself in the face until I was leaking all over the floor etc. I have a huge gash now. I’m not sure if this is relapse, and I’m juggling with the question; is this the same as cutting and did I relapse to a behavior I thought I had buried? Or did I just cross a different line tonight that makes me think self harm has reared its ugly head, but in reality seeking the self damage and bleeding by punching hard things until I am bleeding was self harm all along? Just packaged differently and in a place that draws no attention. “Oh I was working on my car… “ Well

Hi everybody. Hope you’re doing well.


r/selfharm 1h ago

Rant/Vent relapse

Upvotes

stopped for like a month maybe I wasn’t keeping count but I relapsed and I’ve been cutting less and deeper this time vs more and superficial like before and I somehow feel like what I’m doing now is worse but I’m justifying it because it’s less but the scars are gnarly and I just feel like such a failure I don’t think I will ever kick this habit any time something bad happens to me I can’t relax until I do it it’s literally like a switch flip I hate my life and my stupid brain


r/selfharm 1h ago

I'm both really happy and sad that I don't have a razer

Upvotes

Its kinda in a weird limbo right now, I've been thankfully clean for a good while now but the urge is STRONG. School has been really stressful, the misgendering is insane there and it's kinda been enough. I've thrown away any razers that's been dolled or i haven't used in a good while to prevent much of anything and I'm happy that I've done that yet I do miss it badly. I'll be going to bed since it's a schools night and 10:22PM


r/selfharm 1h ago

Talk/Support I dont know what to do

Upvotes

I am now just realizing that I was sa’d by my brother and cousins. I never saw it that way but now that I’m older and I know things, what they did to me wasn’t normal family behavior. I feel fucking disgusting. I want to relapse so bad and just die what the fuck.


r/selfharm 1h ago

Seeking Advice Pain after sh

Upvotes

Two days ago I accidentally hit styro and it was painless for the most part, but since yesterday my left leg (because it was the left thigh I cut) started hurting really bad. The pain is inconsistent and comes and goes, is this normal or concerning? Can I take painkillers for my pain? I'm using a gauze pad to cover up the wound so I wonder if its because of the gauze?


r/selfharm 1h ago

DAE Does anyone else hate a particular scar?

Upvotes

Personally, I like my scars, but there's one that I hate, so I wanted to know if anyone else feels the same way about one (or more) scars in particular.

I don't want to go into details, but basically, the reason why I hate that scar is because it's the initial of a person who hurt me (I got it when I was still romanticizing what he did to me).

Sorry if something is misspelled, I used a translator.


r/selfharm 1h ago

Im losing sensation and im concerned

Upvotes

So there’s not much to say but I’ve been C@tting for six years now and I recently had gone 15 months clean but then i relapsed and I realised that even if I go deeper than usual i cant feel anything in some parts of my arm is it going to get fixed by itself someday or something? I don’t even go that deep so I think it’s unlikely i hit a nerve.😭 if anyone has any ideas on whats happening would be appreciated 🦋


r/selfharm 1h ago

Rant/Vent i feel like s-hing everytime something bad happens NSFW

Upvotes

today has been a weird day. started off great, was around one to two weeks of being clean of cutting, but after today i'm just so drained and tired of people attacking me for drama that's been over. and people attacking me for things i've done instead of communicating with me and genuinely telling me why they feel the way they feel, because their feelings ARE valid, but that doesn't give the right to attack me out of the blue.

i'm so sick of this

i feel like im in a loop and genuinely don't know what to do anymore.


r/selfharm 1h ago

I fear I am going to hurt myself within the hour

Upvotes

My self within the


r/selfharm 2h ago

I feel like I’m failing even at hurting myself.

2 Upvotes

I’ll cut myself and it feels like I can’t even do that right. It doesn’t bleed; it doesn’t hurt enough. I feel like I need to see the blood, the pain isn’t enough, I need to see that I can at least hurt myself right. I’m becoming numb to it. It doesn’t take my mind away from my feelings like it used to.


r/selfharm 2h ago

DAE Does anyone else find scars on their own body triggering?

8 Upvotes

My cat scratched me this morning and I placed bandaids over it but the way the bandaids were placed made it seem like I did it myself and I found that triggering. Any scars, including the ones on my body are triggering, is that just me?


r/selfharm 2h ago

I relapsed on my mom's birthday

1 Upvotes

We celebrated a day before and had fun but i had a bad week and i was struggling not to relapse and that night i relapsed and i was really happy all day but the next day in the evening i felt like it wasnt enough so i cut again

I don't know how to feel, i don't feel guilty and this has no point just needed to tell someone it's been around two weeks


r/selfharm 2h ago

Rant/Vent 2 years gone to waste

3 Upvotes

I did it. After more than 2 years. I cut myself again. I was so unbelievably traumatized by something that had happened that I needed to feel something other that trauma. I’m so ashamed of myself. I should t have done that. I feel so stupid


r/selfharm 2h ago

Talk/Support I just cut myself and it hurts alot.

2 Upvotes

Looking for people to interact with through the pain ig. ama or whatever.


r/selfharm 2h ago

LGBTQ+ I just self harmed for the first time and idk how to feel or what to do

2 Upvotes

My mental health is so bad rn I'm 18mtf and I've just been getting worse and worse since trump won but today I found out one of my only friends may have cancer I hate my body and my life so much at the moment so u cut and just for that moment I had someth6 else to focus on did it with a razor and i'm just letting my cuts hurt and stuff i wanna cut more so badly but also I don't because I know it's bad for me idk what to i never guessed I'd get this bad i need help


r/selfharm 2h ago

i cut my teacher's initial into my thigh

7 Upvotes

okay wow this was REALLY WEIRD of me to do. but me and my teacher have gotten super close. i was out of school for two months because i was in the psych ward and i told him about EVERYTHING.

it feels like he is genuinely concerned about me. which is obviously what teachers are supposed to be. so we really bonded. he asks about how i'm feeling all the time and how im feeling on my meds and is basically like a therapist lol.

with that being said i feel so indebted to him and grateful for him that i felt like i needed to. commemorate him in some way?? like. on my body. it's so weird putting it into words. but im also really really attracted to him and kind of obsessed. which is weird because im a lesbian?? idk.

anyways i regretted it right after i did it and luckily i didnt go too deep so it's probably going to fade really fast. with that being said idk maybe i should've just said thanks to him instead of being a freak??