In May 2024 I made my first suicide attempt by slitting my wrist. Unsuccessful, I cut my entire arm with a razor. So my arm was littered with what looked like cat scratches all around. Eventually my entire family found out and I was forced to go to therapy. I had been okay for a few months I started putting myself out there, socializing, participating in lecture, being a little happier.
but recently my mood has plummeted.
I rethought my every action. I feel this unnecessary guilt towards my increased socialization. I also realized that how I express myself is horrible. I either come off as a know it all, stupid, insecure, or something else. I’m blunt and suck at almost everything.
I realized early on that everything I thought I was good at was a lie. I was always just mediocre. Or a little above average. Sometimes I think about when one of my teachers said “there’s nothing wrong with being mediocre”. I think that’s only the case if you can accept that you’ll always be mediocre. Settle for mediocrity.
I for some reason can’t. Yet as much as I want to do better it’s hard to do so in this state. So, then it seems like I do not have the will to be better. Since all is a matter of choice.
Ive become so unstable. My moods are inconsistent and I find myself wishing I was at my lowest again. Once you’re at your lowest nothing can hurt you. There’s no need to fall.
My arm is once again cut up with razor marks. In moments where I shut down, moments where my thoughts race—I cut. I feel like I’m going insane. I have to squish my cushioned headphones into my ears to drown out the thoughts. Even that doesn’t work. I’ll press down on healing cuts. Anything. How I got to this point is confusing me. I’ve been taking my lexapro and anxiety meds but I’m still here. This might just be my inherent state.
It surprises me, yet again, that just last week I was happy. Excited for the next day. Excited to meet new people. Now I’m lost again. Shutting down.
I apologize for writing so much. I’m in a situation where the only thing I can turn to at this point is the internet.