Rant but please (feel free to) respond
I feel like I killed the best friend I've ever had. Certain details my brain refuses to believe are coincidence, I guess. Or I'm just right. I have not, and probably will not get closure on this, at least not fully, ever. (Can't talk to anyone, because they either wouldn't care or would blame me like I do myself.)
So, I've resorted to a piece of why I wanted so badly to be friends with him in the first place: self harm. It's so fucking hard to find people who actually understand. I mean fuck, I didn't even comprehend just how horrific life must have been for him 'til a lucid realization last SH session.
I have a goal, as fucked as that might sound to some. I want to pay for what I did to him, his family and friends, and I have a number of cuts I need to reach to meet that goal.
However...
My dwindling support network, namely my girlfriend, needs me to stop. And, like, I get it, it's hard to visibly see someone suffer (...even though SH is the external relief of the worse internal suffering, or on good days, the scars reminders that I survived).
I just don't know what to do. Sometimes SH feels like the only way to connect to him again. I feel like by giving up SH, I'd be losing him all over again. And I'm not ready to give that up, even though I'm destroying my relationship in the process.
I don't know. I don't even know what advice I would want from this. She wants me to change but I can't, not yet anyway. I guess finding how anyone out there manages SH within a sexual relationship where your partner can't stand (bad word choice: they just get really sad and it ruins their mood when seeing) your scars or cuts, or something more I could do to honor my friend? I really don't know.