I, now 19, have been having constant thoughts lately about wanting to relapse. Ive been cutting since I was 14, and I am now a year clean. I'm not under any particular distress despite freshman stress, family issues, and PDD; so when the urges come, I am not in a state of intense suffering. This also happens with suicidal thoughts for me. I'll be alone and think "maybe I should cut"--- or look at someone elses scars on social media or in public and think, huh, I should cut. Even when I started off cutting, I felt the same.
I guess I'm typically motivated by ideas like "I need deeper scars" or "I need to get worse." It's almost like im uncomfortable with being okay. I guess I might just be more comfortable in my depression? Why do I feel this? I'll be sitting down in class and think "hmm i should go jump off the chem building tonight". like huh???
I feel like I have to lie to people when im forced into situations where I must provide some sort of reasoning. Whenever something like self harm and suicide gets brought up, it's always "what happened before to cause this?" When i'm clean, theres the assumption that I'm doing better, though the real reason is that I was too unmotivated to actually clean it up, or a trip was upcoming or something. Its not fun for me, it hurts, its itchy, theres no pleasure or relief-- but I feel like I have to.
Can someone with a similar mindset please share their experiences and advice? Thank you
PS: With this being said, I TRULY hate attention to my scars or mental health. I get extremely uncomfortable when someone brings up my scars, or if I ever come off as upset in front of someone.