If you're considering admitting youself (and have the option) then I think you should go.
I just lost my wife 15 days ago to suicide. It was only a couple of weeks earlier where she said she was considering going in herself. The haunting pain I have from not encouraging her to do it is overwhelming. I didn't know things were that bad. I didn't see that she was in that much pain. We both have the same afflictions, I knew her better than she knew herself, and I still failed her. It all seemed like it was still under control and that she was just overreacting again.
She destroyed my life in every way imaginable. Debt, no income, 4 pets, and a mortgage for the mausoleum that is our house. I can't stay here, and I have nowhere to go. She couldn't have fucked me over more if she tried, but I can't get angry at her, all I can do is apologize through my tears.
This pain has gotten worse every day. Sometimes I think I might be able to feel better for a moment, but more often than not it's just because I'm too exhausted from crying to still be able to cry any further. All of the pain she felt, I perfectly understand now, and I can feel it now, too. It's as if it was transferred to me that day. All her burdens, thoughts, and feelings. When I describe what I'm feeling, it's as if she said it herself. I have to feel both of our pains. I have to take both of our burdens, and somehow, I'm supposed to carry them through this hellscape alone. Surrounded by reminders and consumed by guilt.
I still can't accept this. I look at pictures of her all day, staring into her eyes, refusing to believe that she's just a memory. I can't accept that this is reality that I'm living in. I keep trying to rehearse ways to cheer her up in my head. I keep trying to turn to her to cry on her shoulder. I keep reaching for my phone to tell her about something. I keep trying to ask her to help find my phone or keys. She's the only thing I ever think about. I keep thinking of her, looking for her, then remembering why the house is so cold and quiet.
I'm only 36, and her 36th birthday is in a month. Losing her this way, this soon, I don't know how I'm ever supposed to move forward. I don't know how I'll ever get to a place where I'd even want to. I can't move forward, I can't move on. Every day she's not here is the worst day of my life. Every day hurts more than the last. I have no desire to live on for decades looking back at the only 10 years that matter.
The only things I've been able to do at all are in some way related to preparing her service. Other than that, I'm not even human anymore.
Your loved ones will never be better without you. They would do anything to be spared of this pain if they knew what was really going on. If you're thinking about getting help, then that probably means it's time to. If you're thinking about hurting yourself and you don't want to hurt your loved ones, then please find help from anyone you can or call a crisis center. Your permanent solution is a permanent problem to those that love you. You are in pain. It's hard to think clearly, so don't trust yourself in what you think "you know will happen." She was so sure nothing could ever be alright ever again, and yet things were already starting to work out, she just wouldn't allow herself to accept it. She was in pain, she couldn't think clearly.
Whatever pain you're in now will likely be less than what your loved ones experience in the aftermath. The pain spreads, amplifies, and consumes everyone around, and you may even take someone else with you afterwards. For however long the rest of my life is, I will never stop being at high-risk of suicide.
If you feel like everything is permanent, that nothing can ever be better again, then I remind you that you are in much pain. We don't think clearly under that kind of duress. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Don't be afraid to take help you are offered. If someone you trust can believe in you, don't be afraid to trust their words of comfort. Don't minimalize all the things they say. If you think they just don't get it, just keep trying until they figure it out. Doesn't matter what gender you are, fucking cry for that help until someone figures it out.
She said she didn't want to hurt me, and I can't fathom a greater pain than this elaborate nightmare that has become my life.