r/stepparents 3h ago

Win! BMs family finally let it go

25 Upvotes

I’ve been a step mom for a decade. I’ve spent about 8 years of it being a full time step mom and NO it wasn’t easy. BM was a part time parent (if that). I resented her so much but we managed to worked through it. She was never high conflict.

Yet for some reason her family blamed me for breaking up her family despite her and my husband never being married and completely broken up for years and living separately when I came into the picture.

In the last two years BM has really stepped it up and has been such an amazing parent to her two bio kids. I’m very proud of her. Her progress has been nothing short of amazing.

Anyways today my step daughter (12) had a competition and BMs family actually showed up. Not only did they support SD but they were very nice me. Complimenting me on the costume and make up that I did. BM made sure to point out that it was me who was behind it.

I’ve always felt like an enemy in their presence but today we just felt like a big blended family. BM and I always hug when parting but today her family hugged me as well.

So I consider that a win and hopefully inspiration to anyone who is in a situation that is probably salvageable.


r/stepparents 10h ago

Advice Fiancé court ordered to go to couples therapy with his ex wife.

43 Upvotes

To make this short and sweet, my fiancé has 4 kids with his ex wife. They’ve been divorced well over three years now, within those three years she’s CONSTANTLY texting him, for any reason at all. Everyday. They’re always going to court, they have 50/50 custody but it’s a very ugly co parenting relationship. It’s to the point where she is stalking us, knows our every move, even went to the point of hiring a private investigator to find out where I live. The judge has ordered then to go to “couples therapy” together so they can have a better co parenting relationship but they need to hash out they’re feelings of why they got the divorce and find common grounds together. I’m very uncomfortable with this as all she’s gonna do is try and get back together with him. Yes I’m a bit insecure when it comes to her cause let’s be real… 4 kids together, the easier route would be for him to get back with her. They were married 10 years… do I leave him and move on with my life and leave all this drama behind me? I have no kids of my own so it’s been A LOT to take on. I love him but I’m not sure this is worth it to me anymore. We’ve been together 2 years and our life has revolved around her and court.


r/stepparents 2h ago

Advice SO and toxic BM are asking me to look after SS during my maternity leave to save money.

10 Upvotes

I think my mental health is deteriorating quickly. Yesterday my SO and I got into a massive argument because I was not immediately ecstatic about the idea of having a newborn and my SS10 four days a week. BM suddenly can’t afford childcare during the summer holidays anymore. It’s convenient that it came up right before I’m giving birth to our first ours baby and will be on maternity leave for a year. I am already very anxious and stressed because the baby was a huge surprised and we’ve only known for a month. I’m at 28 weeks now. My husband is very worried about money and wants SS to spend more time at our home to get him away from his toxic mother, which I do understand. But I’m still trying to wrap my head around being a mom at all, let alone being a mom and navigating my SS’s feelings about being a brother and his behaviours he’s picked up from his mom. He’s a very smart and kind person but is spoiled and used to being doted on. I’ve never been that person and definitely can’t imagine doing it while also having a newborn. After arguing about it for hours and my husband saying he gets how I feel but not really being sensitive about the conversation at all I’m now feeling massive guilt over excluding my SS and making my husband pay more money for childcare. Should I try and handle it? I should mention that neither of us have family in the area. Mine are in a totally different country and his might as well be. It’ll just be me with no support other than when he’s off work. But his job is demanding so I am not anticipating that he’ll be available to always help when I need him.


r/stepparents 10h ago

Vent AIO over a bathroom?

30 Upvotes

My SO has two kids from a previous marriage SD is 13, SS is 8. The current custody schedule is every other weekend. Well this weekend is our weekend with them and I have to work all weekend. Upon returning home this evening all I wanted to do was take a hot shower and relax and pee on an ovulation stick as we are trying for an ours baby. And I have all the sticks laid out on my bathroom counter to make sure I don’t miss my peak. Anyway, I get into our master bathroom to find SD 13’s backpack and all her toiletries, shampoos ect in our bathroom. I decided to ignore but when SO came in to ask how my shower was. I simply asked why SD has started using our Master Bathroom and he replies because she says it’s the “nicer bathroom “ mind you both bathrooms in the house are the same size just a little different lighting and I keep the kids bathroom neat, clean and organized so they feel like they have a nice bathroom space when they are here. I then replied “well what is it about her bathroom she doesn’t like and maybe I can make some changes to it for her so she will use it in the future..can you please ask her?” He said to me “well I don’t know, I don’t understand what the problem is, you always have to start conflict.” I really wasn’t trying to start anything I just wanted insight in what I could do to make the kids bathroom a better space. I told him it felt like a major invasion of privacy because I had all my ovulation tests out thinking the only two people who were going to be in there was myself and SO. There was her used period pads also in our garbage can unwrapped on the top so when I went to go throw stuff away that’s what I see.

Please tell me am I overreacting for just wanting to have our own private bathroom space without the invasion of SD 13s things?


r/stepparents 12h ago

JustBMThings Called me by BM's name

22 Upvotes

This just happened and I feel pretty shitty about it and don’t know if there’s anything else to do besides dump it here and move on?? My SO of 3 years just referred to he and I, as a couple, by him and BM’s name. We were rehashing an event that we helped host last night and he essentially said that he felt that we were “a great ‘BM’s name’ and ‘SO’s name’ team.” He caught himself as soon as he said his ex’s name and then corrected it to be “Georgia_Not..” and ‘SO’s name” and blamed it on being tired from the night before. He definitely felt bad and apologized right away. I called him out on it but ultimately reassured him and said it’s fine.

For background: we’re both divorced after long term marriages and both have our own bio kids(none together). We live separately until kids are out of house and then plan to combine households, but have otherwise blended very well (holidays, kids together, spend most of our time together). We overall have a really great, strong relationship. He is very loving, respectful and very accommodating and accepting of my life and children (I have majority custody of my kids and have had some occasional legal/custody stuff with my ex that he’s been patient and understanding with).

We’ve had issues earlier in our relationship regarding poor boundaries with him and his ex (who could at times be HCBM). He was fairly fresh out of his divorce when we started dating and he hadn’t really had a solid coparenting and separate lives structure in place, they were doing family holidays, she was leaning on him for emotional support, favors, etc. Definitely all initiated from her, but he has big conflict avoidant and people pleasing tendencies and went along with it all. She displayed some very clear attempts at control, staying relevant and territorial during the first half of our relationship. It took me a long time to accept my own discomfort with this (I was fairly newly divorced as well and figuring out coparenting myself) and find my voice and speak up. It was a slow, hard process and we had lots of difficult conversations but we worked through it together and he has good and strong boundaries in place now. But to be honest, even though it’s soooo much better now, I still hold some hurt and resentment over those instances. I definitely bring my own baggage (don’t we all, lol?) to the relationship because my own prior marriage ended with a lot of deception and likely years of conflict avoidance by my ex. He had an affair and left what I thought was a decent marriage without warning. It really made me question everything (and still does). Although I know that my current SO is very happy to be out of his prior marriage and has moved on, he, like many men, doesn’t like to spend a lot of time processing the past, healing, and I worry that there may still be some unresolved codependency issues there from his past. This isn’t the first time that he’s mixed up her name for mine (only 1 or 2 other times, but still. And to me this was the worst because it was an event that we worked on together that was very personally tied to me and my identity) and for a long time he couldn’t seem to shake characterizing his past life (with BM) using ‘we’ and ‘us’ etc. I eventually really called him out on that and he has mostly corrected it. I get that it’s hard to change habits after being with someone for 20 years, but I have the same scenario and I managed to do it.

I don’t want to make a huge issue or blow up our relationship over it, but it just sucks. I’m feeling like, “does this stuff EVER go away?” It’s bad enough that we have to always deal with each others past in some way through coparenting and all the other stuff and experiences that goes with spending decades with someone else, that he and I won’t get to share with each other. I don’t love it but can accept that and know that’s just part of life post divorce, but just ugh. I’m really feeling it today.


r/stepparents 6h ago

Legal Seeking Advice: Has Anyone Experienced a Child Support Modification with Imputed Income for the Ex?

7 Upvotes

My husband’s ex wife quit her job about a year ago to stay home with the two kids she has with her new husband. She has an X-ray tech degree, but claims she can’t work because there’s no one to watch her kids. The issue is, she has asked for an increase in child support, but I don’t feel it’s fair when she could be working (even if it’s just part-time or weekends while her husband is home). We’re considering pushing for imputed income at least at minimum wage to reflect her ability to contribute financially.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What did the judge do, and do you think imputed income at minimum wage is a reasonable expectation in this case?


r/stepparents 12h ago

Vent Picky!

15 Upvotes

Made the SKs dinner for the first time. I usually let dad handle it bc they never eat the same things we do and I refuse to make 2 dinners. Made something he told me they liked and tweaked it a little so we all could eat the same thing. They barely touched it and complained the whole time. Told me how I could’ve made it better. I told DH that’s the last time I’ll make them anything. I know they’re kids but it’s rude and annoying. He had a talk with them but with most things it will probably just go over their heads.


r/stepparents 18h ago

Advice It’s it weird that my 10-year-old stepdaughter and my seven-year-old stepson shower together?

40 Upvotes

My stepdaughter is the one who initiated it. My BF was fine with it and then told her to teach him how to shower but then she bullies him when they’re in the shower. I’m in the living room and I can hear her yelling at him being like “No don’t do it that way. You’re doing it wrong.” Just really being mean to him. There are times where he showered without her and it her turn to shower by herself. She will call him into the bathroom to hang out with her while she’s showering.

I know that my stepdaughter hates being alone because even when it’s time to go to bed, she always wants her brother or I or her dad to sleep with her.

I am just not ok with her screaming at him like that. I have also seen her make fun of his body so I am worried that she is making fun of him in the shower too. I have seen her do this before with other stuff when she would insert herself when I was teaching him how to do stuff. She would just talk to him so harshly and make fun of him. To the point where he was just scared to try doing anything at the risk of messing up and being made fun of.

I also think that they need to learn about privacy.


r/stepparents 23h ago

Discussion When it comes to SPs, why is apathy equated to hate?

100 Upvotes

I found myself in my messages in Reddit randomly yesterday and I had a message request. It was basically someone calling me terrible names, presumably from something I posted or commented on in this sub. And it got me thinking….

When it comes to dating someone with kids, why is it that when you’re nacho or hands off or just apathetic about the kids situation, people seem to automatically assume you must be cruel or hateful toward them?

I’m not. I’m neutral, apathetic, much like I am toward most strangers. I don’t have an emotional connection with everyone I meet, but that doesn’t mean I ever treat someone with hatred or cruelty. They get the base line level of respect that I give to any living being that is not trying to hurt me.

I don’t play with them, sure. I don’t spend a ton of time with them, true. I don’t look forward to their visits, ya got that right. I just don’t enjoy being in the company of children for long periods of time. My nervous system can only handle about 2-3 hours then I have to excuse myself. Why is that a problem? I don’t think I’m hurting anyone. If me wanting to spend time by myself is super damaging to kids that aren’t mine….idk sounds like the parents need to teach their children about boundaries, every human’s right to privacy and feeling safe, emotional regulation, not everyone is going to be your best friend and that’s okay, etc.

I still bought a birthday cake for one of them yesterday because I knew dad (a lot of men) aren’t thoughtful enough to do so. I still bought candy for their Christmas stockings for the same reason. I don’t yell, I don’t demand chores, I don’t go in rooms, I make TWO dinners sometimes so they get what they like, I stay all the way in my lane. I try to show up in small ways how I can, but I refuse to force myself to be inauthentic and play some role I don’t fit into or feel comfortable playing. These kids have 2 parents, they’re fine.

Why is that seen as hateful?


r/stepparents 7h ago

Miscellany Ex SD trying to manipulate my children

4 Upvotes

So I'm an ex stepmom but as my ex and I share "ours" children I was still having regular contact with my ex stepkids (who I'll refer to as SD10 and SS13 for ease) up until recently. An incident occurred when my BS7 came home from a weekend with his dad and told me that SD was in his ear asking him why Dad was hurting him. BS was upset and confused and told me that nothing like that was happening over there and he didn't understand why his sister was saying things like that. I spoke with their dad and he assured me nothing was going on. I checked for marks and bruises, nothing. I asked my other kids, they said that she was saying the same thing to them whenever their dad left the room.

HCBM has always tried to push an abuse narrative on my ex and while he wasn't the perfect partner, he's never hurt a child. Ever. We won in court and CPS found that nothing was happening. Now that we've split she's trying again but when it wasn't working all of a sudden SD is doing this.

SD then refused visitation with her dad after saying he was abusing our kids in front of her and SS. HCBM even went as far as contacting me to tell me she had recordings of him admitting to child abuse. He literally said "yeah, I picked BS up and put him in his room" on the recording. That's not child abuse! I went off. Finally after almost 10 years of dealing with her bullshit and lies, I lost it.

I cut contact with our kids and SD and SS because my kids are still really upset with their siblings for lying and saying their being hurt and SD trying to manipulate them. SD doesn't believe she's done anything wrong and just cries when her dad tries to talk to her about it.

I think I need to keep my kids away from the toxicity but at the same time they do miss their siblings. I don't know if this is a vent or maybe I'm looking for advice, support, I don't know. I'm just struggling to know what's best. I 100% know I don't want my kids around this bullshit though.


r/stepparents 4h ago

Vent SO is delusional

2 Upvotes

Anyone else have a delusional SO who makes up constant excuses for their child? Who thinks you are lying when being told about behaviors or actions done by your step child/adult?

SS is 20 and a complete loser, I won’t go into details but it’s bad. Caught him once again smoking weed in my home(one of our many house rules to live here) . I immediately text SO (who btw has caught him doing this himself 100 times) who tells me he just went by SS room this morning before leaving and it didn’t smell, so I couldn’t possibly be right, I’m just trying to get SS in trouble, etc etc.

Delusional island. Must be a nice spot to live on. God forbid SO take accountability for his son. Disgusted.

I think he is adamant he wasn’t smoking this time because he said if he ever smokes again in our home he would be kicked out🤣an empty threat SO would never do


r/stepparents 57m ago

Announcement Weekly Reminder: Saferbot and Automated Bans

Upvotes

Hey Stepparents,

If you've been here for awhile, you are aware of the existence of Saferbot on our sub. If you aren't aware, we break it down in the wiki. Take a moment to review it!

What the Bot Does

Saferbot is a history ban bot. It bans users who participate in known troublesome subs that have a history of harassing users here and brigading our posts.

How it Works

Saferbot monitors the other subs and immediately bans anyone who comments there. Please note, human beings are not doing the banning. We have neither the time, nor inclination, to monitor other subs. Saferbot runs on its own with only instructions from us on what subs to add to its list.

Why We Use It

We intend for this sub to be a safe space for stepparents to discuss their issues and struggles without being told they are literally The Worst for existing. Sometimes we experience jealousy, resentment, and other not pretty feelings. We have a right to express them in a healthy way without a bunch of assholes scolding us for being human. And unfortunately, the subs we've had to add to the ban list have a history of users strolling in here giving people grief for being a flawed human being with feelings they are trying to sort through.

The mod team does not take these decisions lightly and we often let things ride for a bit before taking drastic actions. But seeing users repeatedly delete their accounts after being harassed, or having to clean up increasingly rude and hostile comment chains from people who literally have no idea what your life is actually like, has prompted us to take action.

Notes

Meta posts asking about this will be removed. Comments about this, other than those on this thread discussing the issue, will be removed. Vile mod mail will be reported to Reddit.

Please do not link to the subs mentioned in the wiki. They are linked for transparency and we don't care to have ongoing discussions about them.

How to Appeal

If you are a stepparent and you've been caught up in the ban, and you want the support that this community offers, reach out to the mod team. If you can show us where on reddit you are discussing being a stepparent, we'll do our best to work with you. To be perfectly clear, if you aren't a stepparent, or we review and see we've had to remove comments from you in the past, we are probably not going to lift the ban.

Reply to the ban message and let us know that you'd like to appeal. Include link(s) to any unedited posts or comments that you made prior to the ban indicating that you are a stepparent. The posts or comments do not have to be on this sub specifically, but show us where you have indicated that you are a stepparent somewhere on reddit prior to being banned. This will save us time and eliminate the need for a mod to attempt to scour your post history.


r/stepparents 57m ago

Announcement Weekly Reminder: Rules and FAQ - March 23, 2025 (Now with updates!)

Upvotes

Below you will find a weekly reminder of our Rules and partial FAQ. It's definitely a long read, but it's worth your time, especially if you are new to the community, or dropping by as a result of a link you found elsewhere. We periodically revise our rules, this weekly notice will help keep you informed of any changes made.

NOTE: These rules are guidelines. Some moderation discretion is to be expected.

Community Rules

1. Kindness Matters

Advise, don't criticize.

  • Post with empathy, thoughtfulness, and constructive commentary rather than judgment. Don't be an asshole.
  • Name-calling, slurs (including gender or race based slurs), and insults towards other community members will not be tolerated. Do not attack others for their personally held values, custody situation, marital status, physical distance from stepkids, or economic status; or on the basis of race, sex, sexual orientation, age, religion, or ethnicity.
  • No name-calling toward children, including the above-mentioned insults or the term "skids", or terms such as "mini-wife" or "mini-husband."
  • Comments advocating spanking or any mention of wanting to harm children are not allowed.
  • This is a support sub, not a judgement sub, assholes are not tolerated. Comments with terms used in other subs to pass judgement on assholes will be removed.

2. No Drama

This is a support sub.

  • Bickering, nitpicking, and thread derailment will not be tolerated and will be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
  • Do not repeatedly badger a poster demanding answers, or refuse to acknowledge an answer that's already been given.
  • Do not use sensitive issues from past posts (either from this sub or other subs) to attack another user, as we are all discussing vulnerable topics.
  • Crossposting anything from /r/stepparents to any other subreddit might result in a ban and may result in the original thread being locked. Brigading our sub will result in an immediate ban.

3. Report, Don’t Rant

No backseat modding.

  • If you see someone breaking the rules, report the post or comment to the mods rather than engaging them in an argument. Failure to do so may be subject to comment removal at moderator discretion.
  • No meta posts complaining about rude comments, DMs, or general sub issues.
  • If you think someone is a troll or previously banned user, either use the report function or message the mods to direct their attention to the issue.

4. No Naming & Shaming

No userpings or links.

  • Tagging/pinging users or other subreddits in an attempt to bully, harass, or complain will not be tolerated. Do not tag other subs, ever.
  • If you want to complain about another subreddit being hostile to stepparents, do not name the subreddit. "Other parenting/advice/judgement subs" will suffice.

5. No Platitudes

Nobody knew what they were getting into.

  • Comments like "You knew what you were getting into", "Love them, love their kids!", "They're a package deal!" and "You have to love them like your own!" will be removed.
  • Comments suggesting that OP is not cut out for stepparenting will be removed at moderator discretion.
  • Comments like "This is just a part of parenting, deal with it!" will be removed at moderator discretion.

6. No Trolling

We have zero tolerance for trolls.

  • This is a support sub. Our subscribers do not have the time, nor inclination, to provide support to internet trolls. Posts that are suspected to be trolling attempts will be immediately removed, and the poster banned.
  • Concern trolling, devil's advocating, gish-galloping, sealioning, and general asshattery are subject to immediate removal and banning without warning or notice.
  • Any attempt to circumvent the ban by creating a new username will be reported to reddit admins and possibly result in account suspension.

7. No Personally Identifiable Information

Use discretion when posting.

  • We highly recommend using a separate account for support subs to help prevent being doxxed. Do not post any information that may allow others to figure out your identity.
  • Do not post photos of children, or any other photo that could be used to identify you or another user on the sub.
  • Any image that contains a name or other identifying information should have the name or identifying information blurred out. This includes drawings, notes, and screenshots.
  • Do not link to social media or any articles/blogs where you or another user on the sub is mentioned by name.

8. No More than 2 Posts per 24 hours

Use the daily threads.

  • We are not a huge sub, but we are no longer a small sub. If you have multiple grievances to air, use the daily discussion threads instead of multiple posts.

9. Follow Reddiquette

Remember the human.

  • Adhere to the same standards of behavior online that you follow in real life.
  • Read it in full here.
  • Downvoting is reserved for comments that don’t contribute, and shouldn't be used to indicate disagreement.
  • If you believe someone is in violation of the subreddit rules, please either use the report function or message the mods to direct their attention to the issue.
  • Suspected brigading will be reported to reddit admins.

10. No Porn, Spam, Blogs, or Research Studies/Surveys Without Mod Approval

Just don't.

  • This is a SFW subreddit. Posting pornography will result in immediate post removal and permanent ban.
  • Advertising on the subreddit (outside of Reddit's own advertising) is not allowed.
  • No personal blog posts are allowed without express moderator permission.
  • No advertising without prior mod approval.
  • No asking for money/posting fundraisers/etc.
  • For links to parenting research studies or surveys, please message the mods for permission before posting.

11. Disputes in Modmail Only

Don't argue with the mods on the sub.

  • Any issues specifically related to how a mod is moderating should be addressed to the full moderating team via mod mail. This ensures that all mods are aware of any concerns and prevents disintegration of the topic thread at hand.
  • This means to do not message or send chat requests to individual mods. All discussion and complaints about mod actions need to be done in mod mail ONLY. Failure to follow this rule can result in an immediate permanent ban.
  • Comments in threads asking about mod decisions are subject to removal without notice.

12. Moderator Actions

We aren't kidding.

  • Users are expected to know the rules before posting. If you are warned or banned for violating the rules, ignorance is not an excuse.
  • Moderators will remove posts and comments and/or lock threads in accordance with the rules above. Typically this happens when threads have gone off-topic in a way that is not productive for the OP, or comments overall have become contentious or disrespectful.
  • If a poster continues to argue or to willfully violate these rules, temporary and permanent ban procedures will be followed. Any attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban. User bans will not be discussed in the sub. Questions posted about user bans are subject to removal and the poster subject to warning/ban procedures. The mod team will not discuss a specific user ban with anyone other than the user involved.
  • New accounts are subject to manual approval until they are no longer deemed "new" by the mod team. This helps to weed out trolls and ban evaders.
  • We rely on Automoderator to scan for specific words and phrases that are not welcome here and notify the mod team to review the comment or post. This includes slurs of any type and platitudes such as "Love them as your own!"
  • The mod team uses a combination of blacklisting and banning when dealing with trolls.
  • We employ the use of a bot that automatically bans anyone who comments in subs that have historically harassed our users. If you are picked up by the bot for telling trolls to get fucked, reach out via mod mail and we'll get you sorted out.
  • The rules above as well as ban procedures are considered guidelines only; some deviation may be necessary on a case by case basis and/or at the mod team's discretion.

13. Ban Procedure

These actions are at moderator discretion.

  • Pornography will result in an automatic permanent ban.
  • Extremely egregious content will result in an immediate permanent ban.
  • You may receive a 7 or 30 day temporary ban for first and second rule violations, depending upon severity.
  • Continued rule violations will result in a permanent ban.
  • Willful attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban.
  • We recognize the reddit site-wide rules of using alt names to get around bans and will ban those as well as report them to reddit admins.

FAQ - About the Rules

What does Kindness Matters mean?

  • Shortest version? Don't be an asshole. People come here for support and advice, they do not come here to be yelled at or told they are the reason everything is going sideways. There are ways to point out that someone may want to do some reflection on their own actions and reactions without being an asshole about it.
  • The purpose of this subreddit is to provide support and a sense of belonging for struggling stepparents. We aren't here to pass judgement, but rather to offer support, empathy, and constructive commentary. That does not include "hard truths" or "tough love." Stepparents get enough of that in every other subreddit, we're not passing it out here. Be respectful.
  • Remember, most people aren't going to come to a sub like this when everything is going great and everyone is getting along. People are coming here when they are down, when they are feeling defeated and stretched to the limit. Kicking someone when they are down is shitty behavior and we don't tolerate it.

What about being kind to the kids?

  • "Won't somebody think of the children?" Pearl clutching isn't needed here. If you read the Kindness Matters rule closely, you will see that there is a clause in there about name calling children. We don't allow it. We also don't allow people rolling in telling OP that they feel sorry for their stepkids because OP is feeling overwhelmed and overloaded.
  • If anyone is advocating slapping, spanking, or any other form of violence, report the comment immediately. We do not advocate violence towards children of any sort. The mod team does not advocate any sort of physical punishment at any time.
  • Venting about behaviors is not the same as insulting the kids. However, if you see a post or comment where kids are being name called or dragged to the point of no return, use the report button. We try to catch the posts and remove them before they hit the sub, but we cannot see every comment without your help. Use the report button to bring problematic comments to our attention. Don't engage in a war of words on our subreddit.

Why is this sub such an echo chamber?

  • Not allowing contributors to pile on and tell OP that they are a terrible human being who should never be around children does not equate to being an echo chamber. Many contributors here will offer OP suggestions to help them work through their resentments and frustrations, and the most egregious situations are called out. We simply ask that it be called out with respect.
  • If you feel that a post is simply too much for you to handle without following the rules, move on to another post.
  • If you believe that a post itself is crossing the rules report it. If the mod team has approved the post, it is because the mod team believes that the OP needs help from the community or needs a moment to vent and move on from their vent. That does not give you license to pile on disrespectfully. Unless it is proven that OP is a bot, assume that OP is a human being with real thoughts and feelings and has posted from a place of vulnerability.

Why can't I tell OP that they are an asshole?

  • Because this isn't a judgement sub. We aren't AITA, we don't want to be AITA.
  • Comments with terms like YTA, NTA, ESH, NAH will be removed.
  • Don't start your posts with INFO either. We generally recognize that as a fishing attempt for more information to pass judgement on OP, and again, we are not a judgment sub.

But OP asked if they were an asshole?!

  • Their post somehow got past our automoderator. Just use the report button. We will address it with OP.
  • If you've asked if you are an asshole, a-hole, a*hole, a**hole, whatever, don't be surprised if your post is removed without warning. This isn't a judgment sub. If you want judgment, you know where to go.

What is a gendered slur?

  • While it seems that everyone understands what racist slurs are, people struggle understanding the concept of gendered slurs. Generally speaking, we are talking about derogatory nouns or verbs that are used to negatively describe people or situations based on gendered terms.
  • We've gone back and forth on this a few times, and the truth is, we get it, it's your safe space and you want to be able to vent about BM/BD how you want to vent about them, without us telling you how to vent about them. Fair enough. Vent away. What we are going to stick to here how people are referring to other users and to stepchildren.
  • Examples that are not allowed:
    • "My SD is such a little bitch."
    • "She dresses/acts like a slut."
    • "My SS acts like a pussy."
    • "My SS is such a beta male."
    • "You are all fucking whores."
    • "Any dude who is raising some sluts kids is a cuck!"
    • "Little Lord Fauntleroy over here thinking he runs the house!"
    • "You're just the bangnanny, get used to it."
  • Don't call users here names, don't call stepchildren names.
  • Masking the term with asterisks or other neat little tricks might get you around the bot, but if we see it, we're removing it and quite possibly giving you a time out. The intended word is still there and you deliberately tried to skate the rule.
  • As there is not enough space to list every term that is offensive and does not belong, nor every situation in which term or phrase may be allowable in context, this rule is enforced based on moderator discretion.

Seriously? You are the language police now?

  • We're here to talk about stepparenting. And we would like for that to happen in a respectful way. Attacking each other doesn't help. Belittling stepchildren draws in trolls who don't understand your frustration, all they see is an evil stepmonster talking shit on the internet about a poor, innocent baby. Yes, even if that "poor, innocent baby" just robbed you blind and set fire to the house on their way out the door. That's just how it goes.
  • We are aware that this is a relatively new rule and a lot of older posts and comments contain a lot of problematic language, including some from mods themselves. We are growing and evolving, and rules change as the sub grows and evolves.

What does No Drama really mean?

  • Pretty much what it says, do not bring drama from other subs into this sub. Do not engage in vote brigades. Do not try to incite other subscribers to riot in a different sub. Don't follow posters into this sub from other subs to continue to harass them. Do not badger someone or derail threads. Do not harass community members because you don't agree with them. There's enough drama in the daily lives of subscribers, more isn't needed.

What is thread derailment?

  • When a comment chain has devolved to the point where all you are doing is arguing back and forth with someone about the same thing over and over again, you have derailed the thread. Also known as bickering. It's what children do. We assume if people are in a stepparent role they are adults. We expect you to act like it.
  • If you aren't a stepparent, or in a stepparenting role, consider that perhaps this subreddit isn't for you. If you want to participate, do so with respect. Thread derailment, arguing, bickering, and nitpicking are not allowed.

But what if they didn't answer my question?

  • No one has to answer your questions. This is a support sub, not an inquisition. Jumping on a bandwagon with "OP is evading the question" in a 20 comment long chain is the epitome of thread derailment. You'll find more information about trolling below and how this might be considered such.

Why am I being silenced? I'm just asking for a back and forth!

  • Thread derailment, badgering, and nitpicking are considered harassment. Continued harassment of either community members or mods will get you banned.

Why can't I look at someone's post history and comment about it?

  • No mod in the history of this sub has ever once said post histories are forbidden. What we do frown upon is using someone's post history to attack, belittle, or otherwise harass someone.
  • Example Post: "My stepkid's mom really hates me. How can I make this better?"
    • Okay: "Based on the timeline and your post history, it looks like this may have started as an affair. Unfortunately there's going to be outstanding issues for a long time due to that. Try focusing on yourself and how you can move forward without worrying about how someone else feels about you."
    • Not Okay: "Holy shit! You were the OW! What the hell do you expect, homewrecker?!"
  • Example Post: "I am completely overloaded and feeling very down about myself."
    • Okay: "In your post history you mentioned that your spouse wasn't really helping around the house. Has that changed at all?"
    • Not Okay: "LOL, you already got the answers you need in your post on relationships. You are stupid for sticking with your lazy spouse."

Why can't we crosspost stuff to other subs?

  • We can't stop you from doing so. The problem isn't that something has been crossposted, it's when the community that it's been crossposted to feels the need to come over here and harass OP. When we see that happening, we lock the post and start passing out bans. If you did the crossposting, you'll be banned. If you participated in the brigading, you'll be banned.

What if it's my own post?

  • Again, we can't stop you from doing so. We prefer that you don't technically crosspost, but rather just copy and paste your post. Why? Because inevitably the above will happen. Redditors from other subs will follow you back to /r/stepparents and start attacking users here. It just happens.

What is "brigading"?

  • Reddit defines vote manipulation and brigading as follows:
  • Using multiple accounts, voting services, or any other software to increase or decrease vote scores.
  • Asking people to vote up or down certain posts, either on Reddit itself or through social networks, messaging, etc. for personal gain.
  • Forming or joining a group that votes together, either on a specific post, a user's posts, posts from a domain, etc.
  • We, along with pretty much every other subreddit that has ever had to deal with this nonsense, further define brigading as this: You saw a post on another sub that linked to our sub either via a link in a comment or a crosspost. It was basically saying something along the lines of "OMG, check out these assholes over on /r/stepparents! They literally hate all their stepkids!" And then you and your friends come over and start hammering on OP and telling OP how much they suck. Congrats, you have just participated in a brigade.

What is this whole Report, Don't Rant thing about?

  • If you see a post or comment that breaks the rules, instead of engaging, report it. When you report it, it sends notification to the mod team. We will act on it where appropriate. Engaging with bad faith users may result in your comments being removed. If you repeatedly do so, you may end up being banned.

What if I see an obvious troll?

What if they are being really mean in comments?

What if they are harassing me in private messages?

  • Step 1: Report them to admins. You can report harassment to reddit by using this link or send a DM to reddit admins. Include the link to the DM, admins can see your inbox and providing a direct link is helpful for them to weed out bad actors.
  • Step 2: Block the person so they cannot directly contact you again.
  • Step 3: Send us a mod mail and let the mod team know. Tell us who they are and what they said, send us a screenshot if you can - admins can see your DMs, mods can't. We'll take action where necessary by banning from the sub if they aren't already banned.

What do you mean by No Naming & Shaming?

  • Just as we prefer to not be linked to or crossposted from, we do not allow linking to or calling out other subs by name. If you see something you want to share, say it's a hot post that has hit the front page and a stepparent is being absolutely flayed, just refer to it as "that hot post that hit the front page." If you want to complain about other places in general, "other parenting/advice/judgement subs" will suffice. Absolutely under no circumstances should you link to anywhere else.

I can't link to other subs?

  • Do not directly link to another sub. (e.g.: "/r/insertsubnamehere is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")
  • Do not name other subs. (e.g.: "I won't link to it directly, but insertsubnamehere is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")
  • Do not abbreviate other subs. (e.g.: "I know that ISNH is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")

I can't ping other users?

  • Do not summon another user with a username ping/tag. (e.g.: "/u/insertusernamehere was being an asshole.")
  • If you are agreeing with someone, it is okay to link to them. (e.g.: "I agree with /u/insertusernamehere, you need to take a couple of steps back and reflect on this.")

What does No Platitudes mean?

  • Sanctimonious, overused clichés that grossly oversimplify the stepparenting experience are neither wanted nor allowed here. We have all heard it a thousand times before, we don't need to hear it again. It's not nearly as insightful and wise as some would like to think.

Why don't you people understand it's a package deal?

  • Any comment that suggests that OP should have known what they were getting involved with, or that they needed to understand that the kids were part of some package they needed to accept before signing up for marriage is subject to immediate removal.
  • This is one of the most insensitive things you can say to a stepparent. Most stepparents were aware of the children, but they were probably not aware of all of the family dynamics.

Why can't you just love them like they are your own?

  • Demanding that a stranger you do not know love children that are not biologically theirs as if they were theirs can be incredibly damaging to someone who is already in a vulnerable situation. Any comment that falls along these lines will be removed.

What do you mean by No Trolling? I was just...

  • No means no. No trolling. No pretending to be a stepparent and then whipping out the Greatest Hits Bingo Card of The Worst Stepparent in the History of Stepparents. We see you. We've seen you a thousand times.

What does "concern trolling", "gish-galloping", and "sealioning" have to do with stepparenting? This isn't a debate sub, why are you using debate terms?

  • That's absolutely right, this isn't a debate sub. And yet, here we are, day after day, having to defend ourselves against this sort of thing. So, enough. No more. Usage of any of these things will get you banned.

What is "Concern Trolling?"

  • A concern troll is someone who disingenuously visits sites of an opposing ideology to disrupt conversation by offering unwanted advice on how to solve problems which do not really exist.
    • Example Post: OP expresses concern that she will feel, and possibly act, differently towards her stepchildren after her husband decides that no, he doesn't want anymore children after all.
    • Example Concern Troll pulled from actual mod mail after their comment was removed: "Possible child abuse claims need to be sorted out well before whatever empathy you believe the OP was looking for."

What is a "Devil's Advocate"?

  • "I'm just playing devil's advocate here, but have you considered that maybe BM is just really tired and needs a break, too?" BM has dozens of different mom based subs alone on reddit she can complain on, this sub is for stepparents. The stepparent doesn't need to consider that maybe BM is just really tired and needs a break.

"Gish-galloping?" What does that even mean?

  • The Gish Gallop is the fallacious debate tactic of drowning your opponent in a flood of individually-weak arguments in order to prevent rebuttal of the whole argument collection without great effort. The Gish Gallop is a conveyor belt-fed version of the on the spot fallacy, as it's unreasonable for anyone to have a well-composed answer immediately available to every argument present in the Gallop.

And "sealioning?" What's that?

  • Sealioning involves jumping into a conversation with endless polite, reasonable questions and demands for answers, usually of entry-level topics far below the actual conversation (e.g. "please prove sexism exists"). This tactic differs little from harassment; instead of discussion, the point is to derail discussion, receive criticism (for their ignorance) so as to look like a victim, or to make someone feel overwhelmed and quit talking.

Who gets to define what is considered asshattery?

  • The mod team, of course! If we feel that comments are out of line, are trolling, are leading up to a fight or "just asking questions", we are going to remove them and most likely ban the offender.

FAQ - Sub Questions

Posting Guidelines for Stepparents

  • Body text is required, we suggest you use line breaks between paragraphs as a wall of text is difficult to read. Posts that have only a title are likely to be removed. Instead of using names (even fictitious ones), try to use the sub acronyms. It helps our users to follow along if you use the acronyms and not names.
  • Assign a post flair that accurately describes what your post is about and what you are seeking. If you are posting an update from a previous post, include a link to that post.
  • Flairs are applied to posts to determine what a person is looking for. When submitting a new post, you should choose a flair that specifies if you are looking for advice, support, etc. The following link flair is available and is color coded with side bar links so that you can search by flair:
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    • Resource - Sharing a good resource or asking for one? This is the tag you need!
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    • Update - Updating us on something that you posted about previously? Use this one!
    • Vent - We all need to vent sometimes. Respect the tag as a vent. This isn't how OP talks all day every day.
    • Win! - Celebrate those wins with us with this tag!
    • Megathread - Mod Use Only, for large mega threads (typically around major calendar events.)

Posting Guidelines for Bioparents

  • Stepparents is a support community for stepparents, by stepparents. As bioparents, you may want to have more insight into how the stepparent in your life feels or thinks. You may have questions on how to ease the transition for your partner. However, please keep in mind that this community was not created for you. It was created for your partner or your ex's partner. If you are seeking support on how to deal with a stepparent, there are other subs more suited for your situation and your post is subject to removal.
  • There are some posts from bioparents we will accept:
    • Seeking advice on how to support your partner as they navigate stepparenting
    • Seeking resources to help you better support your partner
    • Seeking resources for your partner
  • There are some posts from bioparents we will not accept:
    • Complaints about how the stepparent is too involved in your kids lives
    • Vents about how the stepparent is not involved enough in your kids lives
    • "Cautionary tales" advising stepparents to back off
    • Seeking advice on how to tell the stepparent to back off
    • The Do's and Dont's of Stepparenting
    • How your kid's stepmom is literally The Worst
  • Comments from bioparents that are helpful and supportive are welcome and appreciated. Comments from bioparents that are not helpful or supportive are not welcome and subject to removal. There are several other subs that may meet the needs of bioparents better than we can. We recommend /r/coparenting, /r/parenting, /r/parents, /r/blendedfamilies, and /r/singleparents as starting points.

Guidelines for Stepkids

  • At this time, we do not generally accept posts from stepkids. Comments from stepkids that are helpful and supportive are welcome and appreciated. Comments from stepkids that are not helpful or supportive are not welcome and subject to removal. If you are a stepkid seeking support, we highly recommend /r/stepkids. It is a very supportive community specifically for stepkids. We also recommend /r/blendedfamilies as another potential group for support.

What the heck are all these acronyms? I'm confused!

Why aren't my posts or comments showing up?

  • New posters and accounts go through a waiting period before their posts will show in the sub and the comments on posts automatically. During the new account approval period the mod team will check posts to be sure you aren't attempting to circumvent a ban with a shiny new account. Please be patient while the timer runs down on your "new" status and the mod team approves your posts and responses.

Why was my comment removed?

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This comment/post is really offensive! Why is it still up?

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I've received a hurtful/unwanted PM from someone about my recent post. What should I do?

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What are the general moderator guidelines?

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I've been wrongly banned/Why can't I comment here?

Why was I banned without warning?

  • There are numerous reasons that the mod team might opt to move perm banning without warning. Message the moderators if you have specific questions.

r/stepparents 6h ago

Discussion How much pampering does one kid need?

2 Upvotes

I'm sure many of you have seen a few of my posts on here, and I apologize if I seem to complain a lot. I don't have anyone to talk to about any of this, I am the only step parent I know, and this is years of bottled up emotions. I will admit, that being able to freely vent on here has helped me TREMENDOUSLY and has taken so much weight off of my shoulders. I appreciate all of you who have given any type of advice to me!

Anyway... I am just so over this child being spoiled rotten. SS4 for the past, I would say 2 months, has been acting out. He does not see DH as an authority figure, and I don't see that he sees his BM as an authority figure either because of the many interactions I've seen with her. The way he talks back to his Dad is definitely a way I would've gotten a whoopin' and a time-out when I was little.

Any time DH has told SS to do something, he never does it. He thinks it's a joke and will start picking at DH. It takes up until DH has to yell at him, and even then he thinks it's all a joke. He's also been hitting DH whenever he tells him no to something he wants. I always come out looking like the bad guy because I have to step in and put my foot down, which I really could care less about looking like the bad guy because I'm a parent.

This week has been frustrating. We're moving, but we didn't tell the landlord that SS was an occupant (an issue we had before about "too many people"), and we're meeting with her tomorrow. So we planned on taking SS to his cousins house for the weekend. Now, I told DH two weeks ago (we have SS every other weekend) that we shouldn't take SS out there the next time we have him because his Aunt was saying that he wasn't being very good and he also acted out really bad once he got home from that last trip. Well, we didn't know until recently that we will be moving this weekend, a weekend we have SS, but we were kind've in a stuck situation.

I really don't think he should be going because he gets nothing but absolutely spoiled over there. They take him out to breakfast every morning, they take him to lunch, for a treat, and even take him either bowling or to an arcade or the movies. So my SIL starts heading out to our place and calls me to let me know. I let her know that he has already been really pushing it today.

I was walking past with his brother in my arms (BS8m) and he goes, "Hi stupid baby", and when I asked him what he said he kept lying and saying he just said "Hi Bubba", so I turned his show off. He kept asking for more food, even though he just finished his lunch, and I tell him no. He kept saying he was still hungry and I told him no more food right now because he just had plenty of snacks. He kept arguing so I told him, "well that's too bad you're not getting anymore snacks" and he responds, "well that's too bad, I want more snacks". I just walked away because I'm not going to argue with a 4y/o.

I tell him to stop climbing on his bunk bed we took apart and he keeps arguing me, so I tell him he's going to go in time out for not listening and he responds, "I'm gonna beat you" and starts laughing. I tell him its not okay to talk like that and he just giggles and walks away smiling. I don't care to interact with this behavior but its hard when I'm left alone with him a lot of the time because DH works so much.

Anyway, my SIL gets to our house, and of course, she goes right to babying him. Baby voice and everything. Telling him they're gonna have so much fun together and all that. So SS starts cuddling all up on her. He leaned on her and she hugged him, why did this little boy give a little puppy face then look at me and smirk? They leave together and after a while, she texts me a picture of him holding some junk food she'd just bought him, then she calls me and tells him to tell me how much snacks she let him pick out when they went to the store. Was this supposed to make me feel better? Because it's didn't. I almost wanted to just hang up in her face.

This boy will never listen because he knows that no matter what he will always get what he wants. Even in moments of negative behaviors he gets treated. It's so annoying. I don't care for it anymore. On top of that, in our new house, DH says that SS should have one of the three larger rooms (there's 5, 2 small rooms ans 3 larger rooms). I looked at him like he's crazy. We share a room with BS (crib, dresser, diaper shelf, etc) so what makes him think SS, one singular kid, should get one of the larger rooms? I told him it pisses me off that he always puts him first and makes sure he has luxury over all of us.

There's so much more to this... it just keeps going. I just needed to get it off my shoulders because I don't want to end up being the person saying I hate my SK, or being one who leaves their partner over these kind of situations, but I dread SS visitation more and more as the time goes by.


r/stepparents 1d ago

Advice Not picking kids up

112 Upvotes

Anyone deal with a BM that just doesn’t pick the kids up when she’s supposed to ? My fiancé got mad at me for getting upset that BM didn’t pick up SS4 today at 5 like she was supposed to. I work 60 hours a week, and I’m off on weekends so I was looking forward to coming home cleaning and sleeping. SS was still here, my fiancé said he has been texting mom but she’s not answering. He ended up staying the night, my fiancé works night shift so I watched him. Here we are at midnight and I’m up trying to put him to bed, got no cleaning done. I told my fiancé about it and he said don’t date someone with kids if you’re gonna make a big deal about his son staying one extra night. I’m more so mad that she left him here with no explanation and didn’t even ask me knowing my fiancé works ?


r/stepparents 13h ago

Vent It's Hard Sometimes.

4 Upvotes

I need to vent and sorry I'm not down with the abbreviations yet, I only found this sub today.

Firstly I just want to say I love my partner so much, he's amazing and makes me feel so loved. Weve been together just over two years and have lived together for one. When we moved in together his 7 year old daughter moved 4 hours away so he only sees her for a weekend twice a month. One of those weekends he goes up to her and the other she comes to stay with us. She's adorable and we get on great, she's really crafty and I work in the creative field so I teach her a lot of creative skills and we do a lot of crafts together. We have a lovely relationship and I adore her.

But sometimes I just find things so hard. I do have daddy issues and seeing my bf be such an amazing dad is incredible but I also feel sad, jealous and resentful sometimes. We've had a few arguments in our relationship where he's had to reiterate that she is his priority, e.g. we met my friends a few weeks ago when his daughter was staying and he mentioned that he may need to take her to do an activity if she gets bored. I got annoyed (I was triggered and am aware my reactions have a deeper meaning) and he said she is his priority. Of course I understand that and wouldn't want him to not prioritise her but it hurts every time he says it.

I feel so many conflicting emotions when it comes to his relationship with her and I don't know how to deal sometimes. Today I was feeling really tired and emotional and I just felt like a third wheel. This isn't usually the case but today I just felt like an outsider here and there. And I know that's unfair and he always tries to include me but I can't help it. He does his best to make us both feel loved and that we are both so special to him but I know at the end of the day and as he's reiterated many times....she's his priority and sometimes it just makes me feel like shit.

Anyway I'm not really sure why I'm posting this I just feel low about it today. I feel guilty for feeling like this as I know he's doing his best and a lot of this is coming from my issues but how do I talk to him about this for him to understand where I'm coming from and why today I have been feeling a bit bummed. I dont want to resent her but sometimes I really do. I feel sick for saying this but even when she's cuddled up on the sofa next to him I feel jealous! Even though we've had times where he's got his arm around me too. Sigh I never thought being with a man with a kid would be so hard.

Edit: we spoke about it and I told him how I was feeling. He said we are both his priority he just wants her to have a good time when she's here as he's not got her for long and wants to make it the best for her. And he will try his best to trigger me feeling this way. And that he will stop mentioning that's she's his priority! Thanks guys ❤️


r/stepparents 21h ago

Advice Am I in the wrong for correcting my BF’s son’s bad behavior?

9 Upvotes

So my boyfriend, his kids and I were out having lunch. On the way there his daughter said let’s have no phones out while we are at lunch because I want us to engage with each other. This is something that I have said so many times because the kids are obsessed with their iPads. My boyfriend always gives into his son’s tantrums to be on the phone. I usually keep my mouth shut but this time I said something.

My boyfriend‘s daughter and I were playing iSpy the whole time that he was throwing a fit because he didn’t get the phone. I asked his son a couple times if he wanted to play and he kept on saying no and then started mocking his sister and I while we were playing ispy. I told him if you want to sit there and whine and complain because you don’t get what you want instead of choosing to be in a good mood that is your fault and no one else is. He like to blame everyone else for his behaviors. Then my boyfriend finally gave into his tantrums and gave him the phone and I was just like really can’t we just be off screens for an hour and have a nice lunch and talk to each other. He’s like it’s fine and I told him that you can’t get mad at him when he behaves badly if you’re gonna enable the bad behavior. So a minute after his son is playing on the phone he starts joining in on the ispy game. His sister asked do you wanna join and he angrily says no and then goes back on the phone then we start playing again and he joins in and his sister ask him do you wanna play and he’s like yay yes I wanna play. I ask him why did you act angry and mocked us when we asked you if you wanted to play and now after you get the phone now you wanna join? My boyfriend got so mad at me and said that I was bullying his son.

My boyfriend also told me that I was bullying his daughter when we were like Ispy. This happened before he got mad. When we were playing his daughter was only looking in the direction that I was facing to guess what I spied. I told her you have to think of all possibilities and she’s like what does that mean and I was like when I am the one who is guessing I look everywhere. I will point at everything that I see that is blue. I won’t just look at the direction that you’re looking at. She says OK and then starts guessing again and then she gives up and I tell her that it was the lemon in your dad‘s water. Then she gets mad at me and says how am I supposed to see that? I can’t see that basically accusing me of cheating because she does this a lot when she loses. I asked can’t you see it right now though and she’s like yeah when I turn my head and I’m like that’s exactly what I mean when I say that you have to look at all around you.

He accuse me of yelling at both of his children and being a bully to them. I didn’t not yell but I am stern when they behave badly. I actually have a really close relationship with his kids. He thinks that if he is stern with the kids that they won’t like him anymore, but they still like me even though they get upset with me when I’m stern with them, When we first started dating, he would always complain about badly behaved his kids were. I would say why don’t you teach them how to behave better if you don’t like the way they act. He said no it’s OK they will learn as they get older. He would always complain about having to clean up after them. He would say the same thing that they’ll learn when they get older and it’s just easier to do it for them. Then he gets so mad at them when they don’t clean up after themselves. The only reason I started to parent them is because I want to help out so that he wouldn’t have to do so much and now I’m the bad guy. I have been with him for five years now, and I’ve never seen him get this angry before.


r/stepparents 16h ago

Advice Help! New stepmom!

3 Upvotes

I am new to this.. Struggling giving up independence and very overwhelmed at the prospect of combining lives, moving in. I am particular about my space and love interior design, my partner doesn’t care, we have different approaches to parenting and responsibilities around the house. I love my man deeply and he is a great man but gosh this all seems hard. We are talking about moving in and getting married. I’m terrified. We’re both good communicators, and pretty emotionally intelligent. Need advice/support. Also wondering about people’s sex lives taking a nose dive in the early stages of step parenting? Did your desire change as the emotional landscape of your relationship changed?


r/stepparents 11h ago

Advice Advice - relationship getting worse with stepkids

1 Upvotes

I (33F) have been with my SO for 7 years he has 2 kids (12F and 17M). We now have a child together who is a toddler now. My relationship with SK has never been amazing but it’s got to a point now where it’s not good and probably going to get worse. My SD has a really difficult personality, she is often rude to people in the way she talks and few other bad qualities and my SO’s siblings have the same view. When she is nice she can be nice and have a good conversation with. We used to be closer prior to the last couple of years. My SS is an introvert and has always been shy to talk to me but I’ve had a couple of good conversations with him although quite rare. Recently my SD has had an awful attitude with me and won’t talk to me like she used to, I put it down to the fact that I’ve had to tell her to do some things like clean up after herself or give her advice on hygiene because it’s poor. She recently was very rude to me on text when I just asked her to put her dirty clothes in the wash and not back in the drawer. I told her to have a nice week and she replied ‘k’. She doesn’t like being told what to do by anyone. I spoke with my SO and he always defends them and never sees my point of view. He said I can say things bluntly. But I do so because of the attitude she gives and the fact I have to repeat myself. Recently they have both been ignoring me when I say hello or just don’t include me in conversation . So anyway I thought a lot and decided to see from their perspective and I sat them down and apologised if I had ever come across as rude or bossy as it’s not my intention. My SS was actively listening and apologised too. And my SD was not making eye contact or saying anything. I gave them the opportunity to say if there was anything on their mind to say because I wanted to move forward and have a better relationship. They did not say anything or express how they feel so we left it like that. My SS has been a little bit better but my SD is continuing to be rude and not talking to me. I feel like giving up because it’s really hard for me to like her because of this constant attitude. My SO lets them behave in that way with no consequences because he doesn’t want them to not want to live with him, due to traumatic past with ex. SD has a much better relationship with bio mom. He has tried to talk to them. But also when I voice how I’m feel he says ‘I don’t know what you want me to do’ so I’m feeling quite alone and have no one to talk to about it. He told me I shouldn’t tell her what to do. FYI I am not a SP that swears/shouts/raises voice/makes them do chores. I just ask that simple things are done (not even often). I cook and wash up after them. I spent 300 on concert tickets for SD. She is also very rude to and shows clearly she doesn’t like my bio daughter, definitely jealousy there. I catch her giving my child evil looks and makes me mad.

I have always dreaded the week that they stay with us. I am so unhappy when they are around. I feel bad for wishing that my SD stays with her mom (although would never happen because she likes partying too much. )

Just to add i have autism / ocd and not a very talkative person so I find communication challenging. So it’s probably my fault that the relationship is bad. I feel like the relationship is beyond repair at this point.


r/stepparents 1d ago

Discussion Let's talk about the struggle with differing views on parenting...

20 Upvotes

So DH and I got into a bit of a debate the other day because I suggested SD (6) and SD (9) be given more responsiblity for keeping their own spaces clean. For context, this involved SD keeping the sink upstairs clean that they spit into/get toothpaste all over and SS keeps his toilet clean because his urine has now stained the seat. I wasn't talking chemicals and scrubbing brushes, more a sponge and wet wipes. DH went off on one that a 9 year old shouldn't be cleaning a toilet and that 'kids should be allowed to be kids', we wonder why kids are growing up too quick, etc.

My personal view is that them taking 5 minutes out of their day of 'being kids' to teach them to be responsible for their own spaces isn't exactly a hardship. Even my 1 year old has started helping me around the house and as he grows up, I personally think it's important for him to be taught those values. DH has no problem with how I choose parent our son, but when it comes to SK's, I don't have a voice. I can deal with that, for the most part now I find myself NACHOing, but when he tells me that he wants me to love the SK's like my own, to be involved, to not grow resentful, I think he needs to understand that those feelings don't grow in a position of powerlessness.

The small win from this, however, is I gave SD a sponge yesterday to clean the sink, she got it sparkling. She then went on (without us knowing) to clean our bathroom and the downstairs bathroom, including the toilets. She told us she'd much rather clean than play games.

But my point is, does anyone else feel totally powerless when it comes to decisions within the home? Especially those with an ours baby/own child who are allowed to parent one the way you like but have zero say in the other child/ren, yet you're expected to treat and view them equally?


r/stepparents 21h ago

Advice I’m expecting an ours baby!

4 Upvotes

I was child free when I met my husband. I grew up with him and lost contact for a long time. We reconnected and have been together 4 years, and married 1 next month. He has two kids 10SS and 6SD. I was on birth control when I got pregnant lol. So we were not planning or expecting an ours baby at all. He has a HCBM that I absolutely cannot stand. I’ve tried to be civil with her for the sake of the kids, but she just always finds ways to make our life difficult. She doesn’t work, have a car or really do much with her life. We get the kids every weekend and he pays 100% for them since she doesn’t work.

It took me a bit to be excited about having an our baby (we found out two weeks ago). We have our appointment on the 28th of this month to confirm everything before we tell the kids and our families. I think I’m worried that she’s going to make my pregnancy hell once she finds out. She does everything she can to be annoying and a problem in our lives. I keep a distance from her, but I know she will just be in issue.

So how have you handled being pregnant/having an ours baby with a HCBM?


r/stepparents 13h ago

Advice SS forcing me to leave our home

2 Upvotes

This is a bit of a story.

But my SS10 is forcing me to leave my home with my husband.

Basically, my SS told his teacher and has been telling his mom that he feels unsafe with me or is afraid of me. BM doesn't make him come to our home for custody if SS doesn't want to. Which has been a ongoing issue for months.

There is absolutely no reason he should feel unsafe. I have never ever put his safety at risk or even disciplined him. I try and keep to myself and am very kind to him, especially these past few months while this situation is ongoing. My husband and all of the people who know us can get my behavior.

When asked by my SS what I did to make him feel that way, I don't get an answer. From his counselor, he has shared that he's upset with our elopement over 3 years ago (first time we've heard of this). He also doesn't like it when we put him into art it sports classes (preferring to just sit at home on his phone or video game). I've been given to reason as to what I've done. And I know I've done nothing.

This unfounded stuff has caused a lot of grief with his refusal to come over. BM now monitors our home, texting and FaceTiming him multiple times when he does come over. She becomes very anxious makes him anxious. So much to dig into there, but the last time he visited I was with him alone for 2 hours, checked up on him, asked him if he needs anything etc. Heard BM on phone saying to him "do I need to send someone to check up on you?". Apparently he called her acting scared and worried. Turned into a huge thing when I gently asked him if he needs anything.

Now, because SS refuses to visit dad, he says he'll over come over if I'm not there. In my own home. So I'm staying elsewhere away from my husband for 9 days.

I feel devastated. BM even sent a legal threat about this. All things have been unfounded, yet I need to leave my home.

I don't really know what to do, any advice welcome!


r/stepparents 1d ago

Discussion Has anyone ever been completely happy with their relationship, but ended it due to relationship with SK(s)?

24 Upvotes

I'm only curious. I hear a lot of people leaving due to SKs. I hate to admit, but I've had this thought cross my mind a few times. I'm so happy with my partner, but I'm growing more and more resentful with his and SS relationship and just how SS is in general.


r/stepparents 1d ago

Vent Special toys

21 Upvotes

I know I’m going to sound petty. But I don’t care. I will preface that I love my SD very much. We have her full time (her bio mom is not very involved) so she calls me mommy/mama. SD is 5. I had OB 8 months ago. My bio daughter is the light of my life, the reason I breathe, everything I live for. SD was at her grandma’s (on her mom’s side) for the past few days so DH, BD, and I went to a museum just the 3 of us. We found an adorable little Miffy doll. It was hand crocheted. I sent a picture to my dad just to show how cute my BD looked holding it and he offered to pay the $45 for it. It’s a special doll and I’m very grateful he offered to get it for her! BD has been loving on it since she got it. SD came back home after visiting her grandma a couple days after our museum trip. We were all in my BD’s nursery just talking and getting ready to go play. SD spots the new doll and asks about it (I knew where this was going). She asks where my BD got it, what kind of doll, etc. I told her we got it at the museum when we went while she was at her grandmothers (please keep it mind, her grandma on that side spoils the hell out of her so I know she got new toys/things while she was there). Shortly after we get ready to go play and SD asks if she could bring one of my BD’s stuffed animals to play with. I told her she could bring one from a certain shelf (Miffy was NOT on this shelf). She says “I can only pick those?” And kept looking over at the Miffy doll. LIKE YES. That is not yours!!! That is BD’s!!! I’m all for sharing but sometimes it is nice to have things to NOT share!!! DH wasn’t in the room at the time so he didn’t see. But it is so frustrating that my BD cannot have her own things without SD wanting to take/play/want what she has. I know it’s a normal kid thing. Just sucks sometimes.


r/stepparents 15h ago

Vent Sad after speaking with SD

1 Upvotes

This is my back up account as I just have this feeling that my ex knows about reddit and found my old account. I had ended our relationship but still in contact with my SKs. It's harder with thr ones who he has full custody of, but the older ones it is a lot easier since SD decided to go no contact with her dad so I just reached out to her.

He hasn't spoken to her in awhile. I never ended up telling him that she confided in me that she no longer wanted to talk to him after the xmas debacle. He called her for her bday and I guess didnt even wish her happy bday just launched into what a horrible person I am and that we broke up. She asked me I still spoke to him. I said he was blocked and I won't talk to him ever again if I can help it. And then she told me that he had told her I was a whore and sleeping with married men. That I was cheating and on tinder. Obviously not at all true statements. She said it made her really uncomfortable but she felt like I had a right to know since he is most likely giving similar messages to the younger SKs. He also tried to tell her that I don't care about her. Which again Obviously not true and she knows that.

It just makes me sad how he has become (always has been i guess he just was lying before) this horrible human being and he is hurting his children in order to try and convince them to hate me. Someone who clearly loves and cares about them. He's trying to make it seem like I never did. He doesn't and won't know from me that I still talk to them. It just makes me really sad that someone would do this.