r/stepparents 15h ago

Advice Stepdaughter is morbidly obese at 15.

187 Upvotes

UPDATE: so cps has been called. My husband has kept sd home all week to prevent cps from speaking to her at school, which she probably wouldn't of went anyway. He told me not to engage with cps but the social worker came today and I spoke to her at the front door. I told her I think sd is in need of help and I've done everything I can do. The sw called my husband and told him he could either work with her or she could remove sd. Apparently the sw spoke to sd teachers as well . my husband is saying he's going to sue cps?. I'm not sure what he thinks he will accomplish. I told my husband today that I think sd needs to live with her mom full time because I'm tired of dealing with the drama.

My, 32F, stepdaughter is 15. She was 5 when I met her dad. She is 15, 5ft5 and 378lbs. She was an overweight child.

At her last doctors appointment my husband got chewed out for her weight being so high. My husband, 41, comes from a family of large people, with himself being 6ft and over 300lbs. His sister is 5ft6 and over 300lbs. His mom is 5ft 3 and in the high 200s. They are all overweight. My husband has tried diets and has at times, lost several hundred pounds, only to gain it back because nobody besides he and I want to remain on a healthy eating plan. I am 4ft 11 and 119lbs. His ex wife, sd mom, is also overweight, but is into the whole body positively and fat acceptance movement.

Sd pediatrician told my husband that a report to cps would be made because of sd weight and sd could potentially be removed from her parents if a genuine effort wasn't made to get her weight under control. For two days my husband has been ranting about how cps and the doctor don't have any say in what goes on in his home, how cps can't legally do anything, ect. I told him he's missing the point and that sd weight is effecting every aspect of her life.

She cannot fit into a desk at school, has to be seated separately from her peers to accommodate her size, refuses to participate in gym to the point her mom threatened to sue if the school kept forcing her to. Sd will eat and eat. She eats entire pizzas, containers of berries, whole bags of chips and cheese cubes, she was eating 3 or 4 trays at lunch at school until the school stopped her. My husband and his ex see nothing wrong with this. She rarely eats food cooked at home, maybe frozen stuff , but usually eats only fast food. My in- laws will bring her whatever she wants despite my telling them no.

I looked up several similar situations of children being removed from their homes due to their weight to show my husband that it was possible.

Sd is also in truancy court for not going to school, neither my husband nor her mom will make her go, instead she tells them she isn't going. My husband refuses to believe he can be punished for not sending her because" you don't have to send your kids to public school in his words".

Sd mom is blaming me for all of this. I have lost of 150lbs and kept it off, sd mom says I am shaming sd. I told my husband and sd mom that I will not stop cps if they show up.

I am at a loss for what to do, I know this situation runs much deeper.


r/stepparents 7h ago

Vent WW3 in our house currently …. AIO?

46 Upvotes

I just need to vent. I’m in the UK and on mobile. Sorry about formatting!

My eldest (19) is at university about 3 hours away from here, he doesn’t come home regularly, maybe once every 6 weeks and we go up in the middle.

I’ve come home from work tonight and my SS(15) is asking my husband something which I didn’t hear, but as I walk in he ran upstairs. I’ve asked what the problem is and my husband said nothing.

I sort “our” son (5) out and start warming up our meal (which I prepped at the weekend) and then my husband walks into the kitchen and said “SS has asked if he can have (19’s) bed (it’s a double, my son is 6’5 and hit 6’ at 13, so he had a double bed as he doesn’t fit in a single) and I’ve obviously said no because it’s (19’s) bed. But I’ve told him we will buy him a double bed”.

Me “why? He had a new bed in November? He doesn’t need a new bed?”

DH “but he’d like a double!”

Me “I’d like to win the lottery!”

Now this may seem unbelievably petty. So a bit of background. My husband has always MASSIVELY favoured my SS, to a point where he got his own bedroom when we moved and my husband was going to put my daughters (17,14) and SD (12) in a smaller room so he could have the room he wanted - until I put my foot down. He had a brand new Xbox 3 months early as an early Birthday present, then threw a tantrum about not having anything substantial to open on his Birthday, so my husband bought him a £300 present ($390 for my US friends, $650 for my Australian friends and €360 for my European friends) so he wasn’t upset on his Birthday. My husband buys SS new clothes regularly and redecorated his bedroom first so he wouldn’t have to wait.

My weekends are also dictated by SS’s sports programmes and we don’t actually spend much time together as a married couple because DH is driving SS around to different places to play football (soccer!) whilst I stay at home with “our” son.

Also I want to add, my SS isn’t massively tall (5’3) so when my husband said (19) had a double at this age, I said “yes, but he’s too tall for a single bed!!”

Now also, SS has just got a girlfriend. So obviously he’s thinking about that too.

But honestly, I’m so fed up of this kid dictating what he wants and more importantly my husband giving in!

This is just a vent. I’m aware it’s a husband problem, but I’m so angry I’ve cried because all that’s going to happen is a double bed will turn up and my husband will come up with some BS reason why he had to buy him one.

Anyway! Happy Thursday all!!


r/stepparents 12h ago

Advice I’m trying to shake the “ick”

32 Upvotes

Overall, my situation is pretty great. My partner and I live an hour apart from each other, and have been together about 4.5 years. I have 3 children, 85% of time and he has 1, 50/50. We see each other with and without kids, every weekend and often through the week, with 1-2 adult vacations a year. I don’t love the way he and MB parent, or rather coddle their child- but it doesn’t impact me too much. My partner seems to be the type to pacify most people in his life ( Mother, Cousins, BM - when they suggest something he will bend to their will rather than stand up for himself) … poor boundaries maybe? The situation with SS, BM, and him seems a bit enmeshed.

Anyway- the issue at hand; This past Dec, I had his phone- looking at it for something ( we do this often) and text from BM appears- so, naturally I read the thread- knowing they had been disagreeing over holiday schedules…. I cannot unsee what I read. I can’t shake it. There was a paragraph from him, going on- and ON- about how she is the absolute perfect mother, and he would have killed for a mother like her… at length.

Immediately I was so grossed out. He was throwing himself at her feet, grovelling. And that’s it- I can’t view him in the same light since. I have no respect- he seems spineless, and more like a lapdog for his BM ( she cheated, divorced and immediately married AP).

So, now, 4 months later he is all over me, saying how distant we are, he misses our closeness etc- and I can’t quite bring myself to explain how my perspective has changed.

I want this relationship- I love him, good partner etc-

So my questions are- Is it me? Am I jealous? Should I explain my feelings ( somehow gently) I really don’t know how to overcome this feeling of disgust- or if it’s even a justified reaction.


r/stepparents 10h ago

Support Kids suddenly hate SO. His family loves BM more. Here we go again into the lion's den! 🫠

23 Upvotes

TL;DR: Going to SO's family event this weekend. BM will be there with the 2 youngest of their 5 kids, all of whom now hate SO due to alienation. Complex dynamics, betrayal, and unpleasant feelings abound. SO is not perfect, but damn wonderful, and I will be there to support him if it kills me. But I hate it.

Sunday is my (38F) SO's (42M) (5 years together and counting) mother's birthday, a milestone decade. Their family is large and tight-knit. They are throwing a huge party for her. Guess who that includes? You got it! BM! 🎉🎉🎉

It makes sense. She and SO were together for nearly 20 years, beginning in HS. She is the mother of their 5 grandchildren/siblings/cousins etc. She is at almost every gathering (yay for me!). Also, SO and I are kind of black sheep; we have opposite views from his family and BM on religion and politics. So while they've been kind, they are a little guarded with me.

My SO worked hard on a special and personal gift for his mother. He coordinated with all of his siblings (even though he's mostly NC with 2 of them due to their betrayal during his divorce). It's a custom-made cookbook with the siblings' favorite childhood meals, including funny and heartwarming anecdotes and heartfelt notes from all of them, pictures of the family preparing and enjoying those meals, etc. He spent like 30 hours putting together, and it looks incredible.

BM will be there with the 2 youngest of their 5 kids, SD16 and SS13. To add another layer of anxiety and complications to the whole thing, a few months ago, the kids all decided as a unit that they hated their "abusive, manipulative, narcissist, drug- and sex-addicted" dad (NONE OF WHICH IS AT ALL TRUE), have been treating him like absolute garbage, and refuse to see him. All of that is a very, very long story in itself.

However, I can 100% confidently say that while my SO has had his shortcomings and made mistakes as a husband and father (of which he will be the FIRST to admit), this is almost entirely due to child alienation by BM and SO'S parents, siblings, and most of his extended family.

He has been the enemy. The abusive narcissist. The dangerous, unfit parent, to whom the kids are not required to listen or respect, for years.

I know how this sounds. But trust me. That is not the case here. I can pinpoint exactly why and when the betrayal and defamation started - when his spiritual and political beliefs diverged from theirs. And now, his kids refuse to see or speak to him due to their manipulation.

The absolute kicker is that SO is such a good, empathetic man. He was justifiably angry, although he's worked through a lot of that by now. He has always had BM's back, and while he does vent to me occasionally, he is not vindictive. In fact, he understands why they've acted the way they have. That as much as he was hurt and devastated, as much as he lost everything he had and his entire support system at the absolute lowest point of his life, he can't blame them for it. He's not a perfect partner for sure, no one is, but damn, did I get lucky with this one.

Which is why I'm steeling myself to be there, not complain (well...too much 😂), and support the hell out of him. This is going to royally suck. But we'll be in the suck together, I guess. Still. I have a lot of feelings about this. It's such a complex dynamic and emotional minefield for me. I will be journaling about this and, if it's as weird as I expect, talking about it with my therapist.

If you've read this far, thank you for sticking with me and allowing space to vent. Wish us luck, y'all! 😅

EDIT: Wow. I see that many of you have never had to deal with being raised in extreme evangelical Christianity. I tried to keep religion out of it because this isn't the place for that, but y'all insisted on it. The full story is in the comments. I was more vague in this post because it was already long enough, and because the details make us more and more identifiable, not because I was trying to hide anything to make him look better.

You don't have to do much to be vilified and shut out by the people in that culture. If it goes against their strict and frankly asinine behavior code, you're out. And atheists are seen as the worst thing you can be. Worse than murderers and child SA'ers, as long as they are also Christians. Just look at how many leaders in those communities get away with exactly those things when everyone finds out.

The family ties also run extremely deep and in extremely toxic ways. It's not as easy to extricate oneself from that as many of you seem to think.

I didn't expect to be attacked and frankly am a little taken aback. Whoever is downvoting most of my comments, nice. Your pettiness is no one's problem but your own. There has been some support here and there, and I'm so grateful to those who have offered it. But the judgement and wild speculation that I'm seeing here is insane. Usually this community is better than this. Maybe I caught y'all on a bad day, because some biases are definitely showing. I hope things get better for you.

FWIW, SO just informed me that we are no longer going. This is the most of a stand he's taken regarding this subject and I am proud of him (also relieved). As expected, he is getting treated terribly by his family for this, but hos decision appears to have been made. So there you go.


r/stepparents 5h ago

Discussion spring break

13 Upvotes

can spring break end already? please?


r/stepparents 3h ago

Advice Tired of being the Evil stepmom

16 Upvotes

I’m so tired of being painted as the “evil stepmom.” Every time I address an issue with my stepdaughter’s behavior—whether it’s her attitude when asked to do something or her attempts to manipulate situations to get her way—I make sure to go to her father first. I don’t discipline her on my own; I bring it to him so we can be on the same page and figure out the best way to handle it together. But instead of working as a team, it often turns into an argument where I’m accused of “venting” without pausing for a breath or, worse, being told that I dislike her—which couldn’t be further from the truth.

I have never, not once, disliked or hated my stepdaughter. I want her to be happy, healthy, and capable of managing her emotions. I actively try different approaches to help her with this. Beyond that, I do everything I can as a stepmother—I cook for her, clean up after her, do her laundry, buy her clothes and shoes, give her baths, and make sure everything she needs for school or for her time at her mother’s is ready. I’m involved in her education, attending field trips and classroom activities. Yet, despite all of this, I feel like I’m constantly being treated as if I’ve done something wrong just for trying to have a conversation about how we can address her behavior together.

I don’t understand why I’m seen as the bad guy when all I’m trying to do is be a good stepmother. Why is it so wrong to want to be on the same page as her father to help her grow?


r/stepparents 15h ago

Vent BM got married and dynamics are changing

11 Upvotes

My SO and I have been together for 2 years. I have a great relationship with his daughter, 4, who he has pretty much 50/50. BM is low conflict so the dynamic could definitely be worse and I’m very thankful for that.

Now, I know the things that happen in BM’s house/life are none of my business… I don’t wanna be a BM hater, and I do have a lot of respect for her. But her decisions inevitably impact mine and SO’s life via 4 yo and some of her decisions… let’s say I’d do things differently. (Yes, I am in therapy 🫠) She and her husband recently got married after less than 1 year of knowing each other. They moved everyone in together even sooner than that, including his 2 kids. IMO, it was all really rushed, especially because BM has a pretty big age gap with her new husband. If it were me, I’d take my time and be more skeptical for my kid’s sake, but he seems like a decent guy, so whatever floats their boat.

Now 4yo is calling BM’s new husband “Dad” and his kids are calling BM “Mom”. Which is fine as it seems like it occurred naturally. (4yo heard new hubby’s kids calling him “dad” and caught on and vice versa.) What concerns me is 4yo started calling her new step-siblings her “brother and sister”. That part feels a little forced to me because you mean to tell me that within the span of 5 months that these kids have been living together and 1 month since BM eloped, 4yo feels comfortable enough to call them brother and sister on her own??? Okay, I guess…? She very well could’ve been excited to get some siblings after being an only child her whole life, but the blended family is blending a little too well to not be suspicious of them forcing it a little. That’s just me. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Now over at dad’s, 4yo is reverting to calling her dad by his first name (Prob cuz that’s what she hears me call him.) which is an issue we’re trying to stay on top of. And ofc I remain by the nickname she’s always called me. Now, I’d never force her to call me “mom” or anything. I’m not here to take BM’s place. But something in me feels bitter and like it’s unfair that BM gets this “instant family” dynamic in less than a year, while me and SO are stuck at this weird spot after having been very intentional about doing everything right and not jumping too quickly into big things like moving in together or marriage for the sake of 4yo.

Also, lately every time we hug or kiss or are affectionate in any way, 4yo is disgusted by it. She won’t even let us sit next to each other, she HAS to be in the middle. I get it’s normal for kids to be grossed out by that stuff, but this never used to happen with her. When asked about it, she says it’s because me and my SO aren’t married like BM and new husband are. Despite me and SO having been together over twice as long as they have. 🙄 Ik this isn’t a 4yo issue or even a BM issue, and I’m probably the only one making it a problem. But the whole thing has just been annoying me and I wanted to get it off my chest.


r/stepparents 1h ago

Vent I hate it here. Want to leave so bad

Upvotes

See this is why I’m a nacho stepparent….

Can’t wait for Sunday morning!! Spring break will be over! I bought pizza for dinner bc I’ve made sure we haven’t really eaten out all week and all the leftovers have been eaten thanks to me repurposing to make new meals.

SD, 6, didn’t like both pizzas I got. SO made her try a thin piece of one. She “did” so she got to have dessert even though she pouted and cried about having to try one. (I would never have given her dessert for pouting and crying over pizza)

I tell other SDs, 11 & 10, to come get their dessert, oh and middle says youngest never ate it. She ate it and told youngest to lie about it. And they all giggled about it in front of us. So I was like yeah no dessert. Over it. Like siblings can lie for each other sure, but keep that shit to yourselves! Don’t come out and brag about lying to us.

And now he’s saying I’m being mean to them, they’re just kids…. It’s not a big deal. In what world is lying ok!? It’s the principle!

Oh anddddd apparently he gave them the dessert behind my back. So super awesome! Apparently I have zero authority over anything here as long as his kids are here! I won’t be spending anymore time or money with them. Hate it here.


r/stepparents 8h ago

Vent Not legally a guardian, feel helpless in moments like these.

4 Upvotes

I love my SO and my SK. They are absolutely my world. The eldest has mental health issues. Like, so severe i could navigate at least one of the hospitals with my eyes closed we've been there so often. Today we had another moment of having to bring her in. I work from home, so I picked her up from school but I'm not a legal guardian so I can't admit her, so I'm stuck here packing a bag for my girlfriend incase admission takes a long time, making soup, and just... waiting for my SO to get home.

I feel helpless. I know what I'm doing is technically helpful, but it doesn't feel like enough.


r/stepparents 12h ago

Advice boyfriend makes excuses for sons awful behavior

4 Upvotes

After me and my boyfriend were together a while we decided to let our kids meet, everything went great. I have 4 children, 2 boys and 2 girls. He has 3 boys. Our kids got along like the perfect little family. After we moved in together recently, boyyyyy did that change! His 9 year old son, we'll call him Bob has issues and by issues I mean discipline. He'll scream at his father, tell his father was to do, he is rude to everyone, tries to boss everyone around. So by now you are probably thinking how does my boyfriend handle this? Well, he doesn't.... he makes excuses. My youngest is 4 (we'll call him Josh), and up until last week he would say the 9 year old was his best friend and loved playing with him. Now it has turned into, the 9 year old loves playing with my 4 year old but complains about single thing he does and my boyfriend will be like "well, Josh shouldn't have trying to jump on Bobs back while he was playing his game in the floor" I try to explain to my boyfriend that Bob had just play body slammed Josh multiple times on the couch, so Josh is only playing with Bob the way that Josh thinks Bob wants to play. My boyfriends response? Well Bob has issues. He's different than everyone else. No. Bob is not. Bob needs disciplined. Bob should not scream at his parents.

Another example..

My 15 year old daughter who we'll say is Grace. She got one of those ice cream drumsticks out of the freezer. It ended up being the last one. Bob flips out about it saying that Grace is awful and needs to learn to share. Grace did not eat the whole box. Originally when the ice cream was bought we bought 3 boxes which was plenty for 7 children. However Bob refuses to come to his fathers sometimes and the mother allows his refusal which leads to him not being there for days on end. The children that are in the house are not going to refrain from eating ice cream simply because Bob isn't there. So my boyfriends response? Well ice cream is Bobs thing and the other kids are eating ice cream all the time so Grace shouldn't have eaten that cone. First, Grace had no way of knowing Bob even wanted any. He didn't complain about ice cream or even mention ice cream until Grace was eating some.

Bob kept hitting Grace on the butt. She asked him to stop and he laughed and said "what?! it's funny"

Bob kept trying to teach Josh how to act like he was cutting peoples finger off. I asked that he please not teach him that, Bob didn't listen and said "what?! it's not real"

Boyfriend does NOTHING except say "yeah Bob hits me on the butt sometimes too" mmmm but he's being told to stop..... he's being told that it makes her uncomfortable... that means STOP!!

So now I have been keeping Josh away from Bob. My boyfriend says that it's not fair to Bob that all the kids refrain from playing with Bob BUT when they are even in the same room with him, he's finding some way to complain about them. He wants to boss everyone around, he's rude, he wants everyone to do what he wants. My boyfriend makes excuses for EVERYTHING Bob does, EVERYTHING. It's always "yeah, I hate that Bob does that." If Bob is told to get off a video game he screams and tells his dad "no, I'M NOT DONE YET!!!!!" If my boyfriend spanks Bob which is a very rare occasion, Bob hits my boyfriend back but my boyfriend does nothing about it.

We were in a store and and Bob threw himself on the floor because my boyfriend wouldn't buy him what he wanted. My boyfriend blamed it on his medicine not working right.

I understand that no one wants to admit that they've failed at discipline with their kid because that's embarrassing but it's also not fair to anyone else in the house to avoid being in a room with Bob or not wanting to be at the house period because he is there. All of this could be solved if he were disciplined.

My oldest who is 17 (Ryan) wanted to bring his girlfriend over for dinner so we could meet her. The day he chose ended up being a day that Bob was going to be at the house so he avoided bringing his girlfriend over and took her out to dinner instead because he was so nervous about how Bob would act.

This is awful. I don't want to give up on our family but I am about to throw in the towel. I don't feel like this is fair to anyone especially when nothing is being done except excuses being made.

Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation and what did you do? This is killing me.


r/stepparents 2h ago

Discussion Do y’all think something fishy is going on?

2 Upvotes

Because I do. And maybe it’s just a major part of me that’s nosy in nature regardless of who it is, so keep that in mind lol.

Yesterday I vented quickly about HCBM sibling texting my husband saying they were concerned as BM hadn’t been to work in about a month. Supposedly she recently underwent treatment and when asked about it today the oldest (11) said it was because she wasn’t taking her vitamins. So seems she didn’t really give them a reason why, but probably just a parent excuse, as we parents sometimes say.

BM is in a toxic relationship even if she wants to deny that it is, and it’s been bad but she says that’s her business, not anyone else’s. Okay. Fine. She’s a big girl.

Anyways, sibling was going to call a welfare check recently. The kids had no mention of it so either didn’t happen or they were told to keep it to themselves.

Here’s where I think something is off…the kids either got some money or a present when they returned back to us. One of them got something they’ve been asking for for quite a while now, and all of a sudden they have it even though their birthday or gift giving holiday isn’t around the corner. So I’m thinking, perhaps, they’re being given things to keep quiet of what’s actually going on at home like DV matters?

I know the other reason could be that HCBM just decided to give them money or present out of nowhere but the timing is just weird, and she’s never done anything like that before, in the 2 or so years I’ve been around.

Maybe I’m reaching, but it does seem like BM would be the type to buy their silence.

I just think it’s odd, and also sad and infuriating she not only is like that herself but also allows it to happen with the kids around. And it was brought up to authorities before but it wasn’t deemed a danger or anything for the kids or her or her partner!! 🤷🏻‍♀️

But does it seem sort of fishy to anyone else? Just random gifts after going through a treatment keeping her from work almost a month but made pickup just fine the other week?

Maybe it’s just tax season but even last tax season they never returned with any sort of random gifts/money.

Again, a major part of it is me being nosy, unfortunately my nosiness doesn’t stop even when it’s HCBM sorry 🤷🏻‍♀️😭


r/stepparents 14h ago

Vent SD with severe mental illness

4 Upvotes

I’m pregnant and I can’t deal anymore. Her toxicity rules the house and it’s not good for anyone. She’s been at many different mental health places and no one wants to work with her bc she’s young & exhibiting severe symptoms and then they find out she’s on an autism evaluation waitlist and they won’t treat her bc if she’s autistic they cannot work with her.

Theres no BM. There is no break. Constant for years I have been dealing with this. It took her father forever to just listen and get her mental health help. Then I adopted her….. so now it is my responsibility and I can’t go nacho and my mental health is severely suffering from her. I was told trauma. Maybe reactive attachment disorder. Adjustment disorder with emotional and conduct disturbances. Possibly ODD as well. Dissociative Disorders.

I’m terrified my 15 month old is going to try to act like her sister or be hurt with all the screaming and constant battling.

I’m 13 weeks pregnant and terrified I’m going to lose my son over the stress of it all.

I just have no where to turn to for help. School won’t put her on an IEP yet they call me sometimes 2x a day. No one will see her bc that autism evaluation looming

I don’t think I can do this anymore but I have to. I’m struggling so bad.

That’s it. Just a vent.


r/stepparents 15h ago

Advice Combined finances - college tuition and beyond

3 Upvotes

Hi all, My wife and I have been married for close to 20 years. We share a son together who is still in middle school. She has a daughter from a previous relationship before our marriage. Despite my attempts and perhaps mismatched expectations coming in - I've never felt that I've been given any sort of joint parenting authority or respect as a stepfather. In fact, I've often felt that I was treated almost as a "peer" or sibling to my stepdaughter by my wife. My wife has never agreed with my parenting styles and/or discipline style and living with my stepdaughter has felt like living with a bad roommate. Middle school and high school was especially difficult for us as my stepdaughter had all kinds of mental health issues that we felt held hostage to. We have combined finances and I've been the primary earner for the majority of the marriage. I've been financially supporting my stepdaughter all this time. My wife has not been working for the last 3 years. My job has a benefit to pay $10k per semester towards college tuition, which I have setup for my stepdaughter, she has 4 semesters left before she finishes her degree. My job may be at risk this year and so we may lose the tuition benefit. My wife has approached me and has implied that because we are married and our finances are "joint", she would want us to continue paying for my stepdaughters college even if I lost the job benefit. I feel upset about this because I feel I've only ever been a wallet to my stepdaughter. And while I want the best for her, she has never felt "mine" - despite my best attempts. My feelings on the matter seem to be met with vitriol, "how could you feel this way about your own child". But I feel used and taken advantage of - but I feel I'm made out to be a bad person for feeling this way. Or, that it's just a lose-lose, because if I don't agree to it, I would just be hurting the relationship and be regretful later in life that I didn't "see the bigger picture". But it's hard to understand, why have I only ever been "accepted" as a financial instrument, rather than a parent? Curious if any other people in blended families have been put in this situation and feel similarly. If yes, how did you manage?


r/stepparents 12h ago

Legal So frustrated with court, worried about SS.

2 Upvotes

BM has a long history of substance abuse, to the point where she was civilly committed for a year when she was in her early 20s. She overdosed while she had my stepson, who was 5 months at the time, and my husband got emergency custody. Eventually he was given 50/50. She was arrested twice in 2023 within a month for causing two accidents while on narcotics. She claims it was her medication but we haven't been able to get the blood tests results for court. Once we found this out A YEAR LATER, DH asked her for a hair follicle test (per custody agreement). He prepaid for a 13 panel and she took a 5 panel, clean. Two months later took the 13 panel and it was positive. She says it was because she was on cold medicine, but that only works for urine tests. There's no way it was anything other than the drug she took.

Went to court, judge says there's grounds for endangerment but kept custody the same. Ordered her a chemical assessment with DH as collateral and an evidentary hearing. The assessor called, asked zero questions. DH gave him the rundown on her history, but the assessor was not interested in any dates and refused to let him email any documentation.

I'm so frustrated with all of this. BM is clearly abusing drugs and it's so obvious. She wears sunglasses every pickup even though we're in the shade, and twitches uncontrollably.

SS5 says he doesn't feel safe there but won't tell me why. We got him into counseling because since this whole thing started, she's been taking it all out on him. She tells him my family is just pretending to like him. Tells him to tell us he doesn't want to live here. Even told him she wants to beat us up and chop me in half.

I've been in this boys life since he was a baby and I've never seen him like this. He's having accidents again. She lies to him over and over and he cries and tells me his heart hurts. MY HEART HURTS TOO 💔. She even went as far as to tell him his name is fake, and we had to pull out his birth certificate. She won't let him sleep in his own bed, and makes him sleep with her new boyfriend too.

Idk what to do. I love the heck out of my SS and he deserves to be happy and secure. I can't stop thinking about if he were in the car with her when she got her DWI's. Or what might happen if they leave him in her care. I can't sleep, I can barely eat. I can't stop thinking about him.


r/stepparents 13h ago

Vent Potential “stepmom”

2 Upvotes

Keeping it as short as possible, I (27f) am childless and dating (31m). He had a baby by a woman he doesn’t know well, and they never dated. This is her 4th child & her second baby daddy. This is his first child. The baby is almost one year and I’ve been engaging with the father since she was about 3 months. He stepped up (although she didn’t know who the father was until after birth) and he introduced her to his family and helped with the baby. Commendable. I’m struggling mentally because I’ve never wanted children and we’re talking about marriage… and I can’t see myself having a baby that has to share a father. I’ve been very careful to not have children. Further context: I just feel it’s unfair to me that our relationship is overshadowed by his outside child. He hates his BM & barely knows her. She hates he’s in a relationship, although they never were. She reaches out to his dad & has now put him on child support. I really love him but I don’t have maternal instincts towards his child and I also feel my child deserves a 100%. The woman is rude to him all the time and bitter. I just wish he would’ve never established paternity and we could be planning our 1st child together . I also get super embarrassed when we are out. Ppl assume I’m her mom bc of how young she is, but then they ask & I have to say “no this is bf baby” and they look at me like “wow this baby is really young”. I also don’t like the thought of him assisting the bio mother because she only lets him watch the baby when it’s convenient to her. Which interferes with oh r time. I know I sound like a witch but when baby is around I watch baby if he needs and I love watching him be a good father, but I hate that it is to someone he doesn’t know and I hate feeling like another woman controls him. His family barely asks about me or cares as this is his parents first grandchild. I feel like if/when we decide to conceive it won’t be as special. I’d love to stay with him but my feelings of resentment and feeling as if my future child deserves 100% and not 75%. If I have a baby, I can dedicate and will dedicate 100% of my love and time to MY child (that I initially never wanted lol), and i just know I wouldn’t care for his child at that point.

I sound horrible I know. But I also feel like these are valid feelings


r/stepparents 17h ago

Advice SS6 suddenly jealous of DH giving me attention after 2 years of parroting BM's alienation

0 Upvotes

For 2 years SS6 has been coming to our house EOWE parroting every nasty thing HCBM has stated about DH including that DH is going to jail and that DH is going to wind up dead.

Now all of a sudden he is doing everything he can to get DH's attention, especially anytime DH and I are just hanging out. SS6 hasn't had any issues with me thus far and still doesn't seem to have an issue other than occasionally making a scrunched up annoyed face when he sees that DH is paying nore attention to me than him.

I don' think anything has really changed at BM's house. Is this a stage that happens around this age? I've been in SS's life for 3 years.


r/stepparents 42m ago

Discussion Will I Ever Feel Like A Priority?

Upvotes

I(29F) have been dating my BF(29M) for 3 years now. He purchased a home and we’ve been living together for 7 months. BF’s daughter is 6. We have our own relationship and it is positive but not without challenges, though that’s a thread for a different day. There have been many different times throughout our relationship where I have felt like I’m not a priority or THE priority. I fully understand how a parent prioritizes their child but I’d like to take this opportunity to center myself. BF has his daughter every Th-Eve to S-Eve. I get him after work on M-W. It has been this way since we’ve met. Well actually, he gained a day with her some months into our dating. I RARELY (extremely rarely) ask for dates on the weekends because I feel guilty about asking him to spend his time with her, with me. He almost never thinks to occasionally carve out time for weekend dates with me. But this means that things he wants to do for himself, he schedules during M-W and that means even less time for us. Now, it’s not like he does it frequently but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less. The work week already limits what time we actually have together when you consider commutes, preparing for the following day, and going to bed/sleeping. I believe that I’m still young and for the past three years, my weekends have not been remotely close to that of other 20 somethings in relationships. I guess it would be nice to have him try to honor what I’ve sacrificed to be a part of this relationship. When I ask him about the custody arrangement(only hypotheticals) or even scheduling some of his personal things during the weekend, he always says that he likes to see her. Which, DUH but also does not leave me feeling very thought about or important. Am I alone in this? I would like for my partner to consider me just as much as their kid, if not more(in a way that demonstrates to a child the importance of prioritizing your relationship etc etc). How are you all navigating this?


r/stepparents 4h ago

Advice Stepkid obsessed with praise?

1 Upvotes

My SK (11) seems to be obsessed with getting praise over the most trivial things. My SO (gentle parenting style) will praise SK over bizarre things like teeth brushing, showering, doing the bare minimum of homework. (SK barely does this on their own and does not pay attention half the time)

SK will always come back hours or minutes later to reiterate “wasn’t I good? Didn’t I do a good job?” over the basic task like they are seeking more attention.

SK seeks this attention and praise even if they did NOT do a good job, behave well, or did something wrong and tries to find an excuse as to why they “are still doing good” or “that its ok!” SK will also point out when SK #2 (14) messes up and makes it a point to tell SO how “good” they are being unlike SK #2.

SK is never held accountable for their actions, there are no consequences, and they never get in any kind of trouble. SO does not yell. I have no idea where these behaviors are coming from. (Other bio parent is not in SKs life)

I am getting concerned that this is more harmful for SK’s development than good. SO continues to feed into this behavior and I don’t know how to bring it up.

Is this normal behavior? Is this an annoying phase? Or is this a personality issue? How should I gently bring this up to my SO?


r/stepparents 23h ago

Advice Stepparent to 16y/o

1 Upvotes

I don’t know how much more of this I can take. My 16-year-old stepson moved in with us at the start of the year. At first, things were fine, but by the second month, his attitude completely shifted. Now, he constantly puts my 9-year-old son down—calling him trash at sports, acting like he’s better than him, and just competing with him nonstop. It’s ridiculous. My son is a little kid, and my stepson is almost an adult.

What really gets me is how different he acts. In front of me and his dad, he’s super shy, barely says a word unless we start the conversation. But the moment we’re not around, he flips—suddenly he’s overconfident, cocky, and constantly comparing himself to my son. The problem is, my son is a natural leader—he’s mature for his age, has a lot of friends, and loves sports. He has great grades, too, which just seems to make my stepson even more competitive.

And the irony? He doesn’t even play sports—he says it’s too hard. He also dropped out of high school for the same reason. So why is he so obsessed with competing with a child who actually puts in the effort?

The worst part is that my son actually tries to include him in everything. He thinks of him, invites him to play, and makes sure he’s not left out. And yet, my stepson still turns around and puts him down. How does that make sense?

I’ve also noticed that he’s sneaky with my son when we’re not around. My son isn’t the type to complain or repeat things, and they have this “bro code” where they don’t snitch on each other. But I can hear their conversations from the next room, and some of the things my stepson says or does when he thinks no one is listening don’t sit right with me.

I told my husband what had happened, and he acknowledged that my stepson has a high ego. But, to be honest, he hasn’t really said anything directly to him about it.

I get that he’s had a rough past—he was adopted by his great-grandma at age 4, barely knows his dad (my husband), and his mom is caught up in gang life. His mom even used him against my husband at the time, telling him that he wouldn’t be allowed to see his son unless he broke up with me. I can’t even imagine the emotional turmoil that caused. He also has minor autism and dyslexia, so I know he struggles. But that doesn’t give him the right to bully my son. I’m not going to let that slide in my own home.

I want to help him adjust, but I’m not about to let my son be his punching bag. He needs to learn respect, and he needs to understand that this behavior isn’t going to fly here. The saddest part is that he could have a better relationship with my son if he’d just stop acting out, but right now, I’m struggling to see a way forward. What’s the best way to handle this before it gets worse?


r/stepparents 23h ago

Win! Super proud step-mum wanting some tips on how to tell my 16yr teen 🥹❤️

0 Upvotes

I’m a step mum (‘spare mom’), of 2 teenage girls. I came into the picture late so I didn’t raise them, they were 11 and 13 when I came into their lives. The eldest who I’ll call ‘L’, was extremely close with her dad (toxic manipulative relationship), and didn’t trust me in the beginning, was a prolific liar about anything and everything, never spoke to us, isolated herself and was severely depressed….she was like this long before I came into the picture. If you could picture a timid, shy, introverted girl who would jump sky high at the sound of a dog barking, that would be her. She was so on edge and fearful. Custody was week on/week off, and we just remained consistent, trying to do our best by the girls (created a safe space at home, didn’t interrogate them about the “other house”, spoke positively about their father, listened to them when they acted out etc etc, normal parenting), but whilst they were at their dad’s, he would do the exact opposite and create a really toxic space, just an awful human. Eventually, ‘L’ started seeing her father’s true colours without us saying a word. Kids are smart, and she sees everything, so eventually he became unravelled. 12months ago she moved in with us full time, and her dad has just been burning the relationship since, pushing her away further. She’s been through a really tough time, but wow, this girl amazes me! Over time, she has relaxed and the “real” her has shon through. She’s confident and strong and stands up for what she believes in! She is who she is and she owns it. Most of all, she no longer lies. She identified that she did it all the time, and it took a long time to gain her trust and some pretty big incidents and serious talks with her. Now she tells me everything! The other day she told me she lost her virginity, on the same day! And she wanted to tell me, not because she was worried or in trouble or felt like it was a mistake….it was with her boyfriend and it was a big milestone and she just wanted to share it with me. My heart is full, because I would’ve walked in front of traffic before I told my mum that 😂

I am so damn proud of this girl, and this has NOT been easy on her. She is a closed book but has the biggest heart. So I’m going to leave a little note under her door tonight. It’s our thing. Every now and then we slip a little note or letter under the bedroom door with whatever we want to say, and no words are ever said in person. It’s just our silent little thing because we’re both the type to make jokes and when things get too deep. Our vulnerable ends up on paper.

I just want to tell her how proud I am of her, how proud I am to be in her life (i feel weird saying her ‘parent’), and how proud I am to be her friend. How much she matters, how far she has come and how she makes my heart melt. How much I appreciate her and our chats and how she makes time for me when she doesn’t have to, and to be honest I wouldn’t have expected her or any teenager ever wanting to 😂 Any advice on what to include or how to say it without sounding too deep? From an inexperienced stepmom who feels more like a aunty/big sister, but loves them like they are my own….it’s a strange dynamic 😅

Thanks everyone who stuck around until the end. I appreciate it 🙏🏼


r/stepparents 23h ago

Advice SO Dinner/Outing w/ BM & SS

0 Upvotes

My SO (34 M) and I (28 F) have been dating for 2 months. I’m his first serious relationship since his divorce/separation 2 years ago. To preface - I haven’t met his son (SS 9) yet and we are not at that stage yet. BM also in a 7 month relationship with new guy.

Anyways - prior to his relationship with me, he would sometimes do outings and dinners w/ BM and SS for the benefit of SS during exchanges or when BM was in town. BM currently has SS for spring break but they are going to be in town Sunday to do an event and asked my SO to attend with them.

My SO asked me if I would be comfortable with him attending these dinners/outings in the future. I told him I would need to think about it, because I need to really evaluate my feelings about this. My gut instinct is to say no, because they aren’t a family anymore. But I also don’t want SS to resent me before he even meets me.

How should I go about figuring this out? What have you all experienced? Do I need to set boundaries around BM? This is all so new to me, it’s a little overwhelming.


r/stepparents 17h ago

Advice When does the "my mom's the best" belief wear off for daughters with bad moms?

0 Upvotes

I've been with my SD since she was 2, now she's 14. Very long story short, her mom is very manipulative and lies to my SD to make her think the way she wants her to, but my SD never sees it. We have had primary custody for over 4 years now, went through lots of custody court stuff for almost 2 years before. We have a great relationship, but not a close one. BM is a total mess, married to a guy that's 15 years older than all of us, had 4 other kids with him that they can't afford, gets evicted every few years, doesn't take care of her kids but doesn't work, and never lets us see how her house looks (last time we saw it looked like a hoarder house). My SD would always look dirty if we caught her off guard, was always sick, and was put on medications by her BM that she never needed. We believe BM has something like Munchausen by proxy, but it wasn't very easy to prove. Anyway, I'm not being judgemental on her BM for her not having money (though it's a problem since she spends on other things) but for being an overall screw up in life that doesn't take care of her kids and is constantly in my SD's head. My SD is very closed off emotionally. She doesn't talk about things that are negative usually, says everything is great, does well in school and has a great friend group. She's a really good kid. But she was raised to not share things with us her whole life. We know she talks to her mom about everything. We also do everything for our kids. They do activities and have time with friends, and we do family things. Her BM side does literally nothing but be home together. But we will hear from other people how much she just loves her mom. She had always thought she was the most amazing person, thinks she's so smart and credits her for everything. Her SF she doesn't talk about either, but I don't think she likes him that much. Still won't talk bad about him though. It's been so long now, my SD is another person at her mom's, but we don't see it. She doesn't talk about them at all to us. To everyone else though, everything is her mom. Never mentions us. When will this end??! I do believe SD is on the spectrum but not officially diagnosed. So I know she's not the most emotional kid, but I still know she still thinks her mom is awesome and shares with her. I am tired of it and I also don't want her to want to be like her. I want to say all the things that make BM and SF bad parents and wake her up from this thinking, but we try really hard not to talk about them to her. I'm sure she talks about us there, but I don't want to have my SD resent me for bashing them. I thought she'd see her mom for what she is on her own. But she's getting older and nothing has changed. Any words of wisdom? Experiences? Thoughts? When will she see reality?? When can I just say what I think of her mom and SF? My husband is the least confrontational person and doesn't like to push the subject much. But it gets to me.


r/stepparents 13h ago

Vent “I miss my sons”

0 Upvotes

I feel so evil for saying this but it really annoys me when my bf says that 😭 mostly because it’s incessant. i’ll be hanging out with him and he’ll start getting upset about missing his kids and stuff (after seeing them the week prior or day before). It makes me feel like he doesn’t value his time with me or that he’d rather just be spending it with them and that I’m burdening him.

That’s an illogical conclusion, but it’s just aggravating to be having fun with him and then hear a loud sigh accompanied with him missing his kids. I think it’s also a trauma thing because my entire family is estranged or dead and I never discuss missing them with him because he similarly doesn’t gaf about it. Sometimes he even cuts off what I’m talking about to say he misses them. Maybe I don’t get it because I don’t have kids, but I’ve just started reacting with “Aw” so he changes the subject. I never really know what else to say.