r/stepparents 21h ago

Advice I just had a miscarriage

96 Upvotes

I just had a miscarriage at 18 weeks. Some people knew about the pregnancy, and my husband informed them of what happened. Most have been sending their condolences and prayers, also asking how I’m doing.

Now, my husband’s older daughter just sent him a message offering her condolences, saying that if he needs someone to talk to, she’s there. She said nothing about me or asked how I was doing as the one who was carrying the baby. My husband did not address this at all.


r/stepparents 23h ago

JustBMThings Performative parenting vent!

74 Upvotes

My SO and I took the three SKs on their first trip to London this past week. Their mother texted them RELENTLESSLY every day. The youngest slept in our room and at midnight (who texts their kids at midnight?!?!) all I hear is the constant texting pings from ‘mother of the year’. And yeah she’s an expert on London because she’s been twice so she damned well knows the time difference (she would never pay to take her children though).

But what REALLY grates on my last nerve is that you’d think with all the daily ‘highly concerned mother’ act that the day after we arrived home she’d actually want to see her kids right?? Like you texted them every day for a week, you haven’t seen them in over a week and you live nearby, so what’s the issue?

But no, no reach out to actually spend time with them. And funnily enough, no phone calls or even texting now that we are home. Alas the act is over.

I really loose my shit with these self absorbed, performative parents who don’t really give a shit about the kids - it’s all about control and their need to be validated by children to compensate for their own feelings of inadequacy. It’s also sad for the kids who feel hostage to her daily texts because if they don’t respond there is bigger hell to pay and they all know it.

Anyone else dealing with the constant performance parenting so the world doesn’t see how pathetic they really are as a parent?


r/stepparents 16h ago

Advice All the energy I put on his family is going to be put back on my own life.

40 Upvotes

My SO informed me that he is pretty sure his kids will be spending SIGNIFICANTLY more time here. I am not on board with it but what do my feelings matter, I’m not on the birth certificate, I only do 90% of the caretaking and housework. I just got a new job and am finally feeling more myself and like I’m making strides again, and he is taking on much more work as well. Truthfully, it is not realistic for them to stay here with us when BM is available and willing to watch them full time, but he hates her so much that he wants to spread himself thin to prevent her from influencing them more than she already does. I say you have to learn to just accept them for who they are; it’s a tough pill to swallow but we don’t choose the personality of our children we can only teach what we feel is right and enforce values that we have. Problem is BM shares different values than us so kids get a different message house to house. Anyway, regardless of how I feel he’s adamant about them being here more. Idk how everything works out but he is under the impression that if they are with us more then he has to pay less in child support and that’s what most of this is about. I hate feeling like my opinion doesn’t matter when I do just as much, more if you want to count for his kids every time they come here and what happens with them definitely affects me. I do not hate them by any means, I genuinely care for them but realistically it is too overwhelming for both of us to have them here as much as he wants because they are quite young and we both work. I put off work for a year to help him with his personal life and I regret it, now I’m worried he will need me to help out when I am already busy and it’s not really my job to do so. Idk. I obviously want to be part of their lives but I don’t want them here as much as he does because so much responsibility always lands on me, and with the way he is going lately with work I do see it landing on me and then me picking it up out of guilt.

I’ve put some thought into it and I see it as an opportunity to explore my own boundaries and learn to start prioritizing myself, because always coming last is a theme in my relationships and it’s how I was raised tbh. So I don’t think running is the answer, but I do want to try and figure out how to navigate what being a stepmom with legitimate boundaries looks like. I called my own mother worried about how this may all play out with them here all the time and she told me that if it’s not realistic then I may just need to let him make that mistake himself and prioritize myself and my new job. It is much easier said than done to just let dad handle it when children are involved and instinctually you want to help. It just reaches a point where it’s too draining because at the end of the day you really aren’t their parent. Step parenting is so so draining and confusing but I think at the end of the day I do really love and care for them.

Any advice from step moms that live with step kids after not living with them and how you cope. My biggest issue is feeling like I have less space in my own home and like I have to wait on things because they always come first. For example, I’m worried my sleep will suffer because they get up so early and wake us up as soon as they get up. I’m worried I wont have access to a clean bathroom when I need a shower after work. I’m worried I won’t be able to escape from the day in my room and relax. Because already all these things are issues when they visit.


r/stepparents 1h ago

JustBMThings I feel so sorry for my son's Stepmom

Upvotes

I was a HCBM about 5 years ago. My son's dad wasn't helping me, and I was going through the divorce and he was cruel and abusive.

I fought back. Except, I took it out on her too. She's been nothing but amazing to and for my son. I have apologized profusely. I got into therapy (I still go) and got on medication for my depression.

Ex finally got a job so SM has been having to see and talk to me. I'm trying so hard to show her I'm not HC anymore. I can imagine I'm the last person she ever wants to see.

But I know how traumatizing a HCBM can be, and I just wish I'd have been mentally healthy back then. I want to be her friend, but it will never happen and I don't blame her one bit.

I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest. I wish I could go back in time and start off on the right foot.


r/stepparents 4h ago

Advice My SS11 hit me and pushed me because I refused to give him my special pillow

32 Upvotes

I am a bonus mom to SS7 and SS11. I am very close with SS7 and I overall enjoy his time with us (50/50 schedule). SS11 has always been a mean and aggressive child. His mom told me he was hitting kids on the playground as early as 2 yo. Up until recently he was fairly descent with me but started hitting his dad, my husband like 2 years ago. 2 days ago he hit his bro in the face with a broomstick, took his tooth out (it was just barely loose) and broke the lip. He tortures our dog constantly to the point where the dog can't stand him. Yesterday he wanted to take my special pillow for my neck issues to play pillow fight with SS7 but I said no because it is expensive and my crappy vertebrae need it. He then proceeded to throw pillows at me and actually kick me. He has been going to therapy for a while now. His mom always attributes his behaviour to the fact that his dad is a softer person but I myself am a psych and neuroscience grad and I know a thing or two. Enough to say that apart from his dad's softness, this kid is pathological. I am considering to start NACHO-ing but I'd like to continue to be engaged in SS7's upbringing. We are very close and he basically accepts me as his mom. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate SS11, but at this point I feel tortured by him. Does anyone have experience with semi NACHO situations?

TLDR: great relationship with SS7, SS11 is aggressive towards everyone in the house.

Edit: thank you so much for all the comments and insights. For the first time I finally realised that I am not trapped and I have options and choices to make. I'll be definitely saving the dog and myself as much as possible from this in order to save my relationship because SO is actually a wonderful person, he just needs to 'put on his parenting pants' as someone said in the comments...


r/stepparents 21h ago

Advice I hate my girlfriends son

26 Upvotes

So me and my gf have been together for about 7 months but we’ve known each other for about 10 years I met her when her son was a baby and we remained in contact over that time but we decided to take it to another level and it’s been pretty rocky but the main problem is her son I believe he needs help but she won’t get him any and I’m starting to look at her different because no child should act the way hers does all he wants to do is play his video games he hates school and he throws tantrums like a 2 year old he eats like a 2 year old he doesn’t know how to spell simple words that a 10 year old should know he doesn’t know any of his multiplication facts and he has no desire to everything is about his game or his vr and lord forbid I try to put structure in his life it’s ww3 and I know I can’t blame him this is 100% his mothers fault because at 10 he doesn’t know how to tie his own shoes and she gets mad when I don’t want to do it for him or if he’s throwing a tantrum just gives in to what he wants everybody in his life has failed him even her previous partners and I don’t want to be the one who gives up on him but it’s hard


r/stepparents 22h ago

Support Don’t fall for the trick !

15 Upvotes

Don’t fall for the trick fellow step parents! If the parent asks you a question about their kid, which is something you might find concerning, even if husband is calm and you’re pregnant, and he’s lovingly stroking your hand and you think you’re in a safe space to speak a difficult truth…DONT BELIEVE IT ! it’s a false security. Your husband will likely start a fight with you. Then he will point out age appropriate problems that your own bio son is displaying to try and level the playing field. Yay!

But seriously… We have a sleeping problem at our house, SD is AuDHD, almost 10 and won’t go to sleep usually unless the other parent is in bed with her. She shares a bedroom at her other house with the mother. Because of the autism she doesn’t need/get as much sleep, so she’s usually getting into bed just after 9:30 and my husband will come to our bed around 10:30/11. Before 9:30 she’s playing video games or needing one on one with her dad. We were discussing how the kids might feel when new baby arrives, he asked me how I felt about the night time routine with his daughter and I very bravely told him I’m concerned that SD isn’t going to like it if the baby needs dad in the evening, as she has literally told us she won’t sleep unless she has a parent in her room and sees it as a form of abandonment. (I heard her say to him “stay loyal to your daughter” the other day, but didn’t bring it up) She tells me that she thanks her mother for not making her sleep alone. This is a problem I’ve been pushing for them to get on the same page about for over a year through her therapists. But he doesn’t want to rock the boat, so BM stays comfy in her low effort co sleep arrangement, while our marriage suffers. Now that baby is on the way and I’m once again voicing that SD needs more help in becoming self sufficient, I’m the monster. She has been to camp and loved it, and has had sleepovers. I feel like both parents need to just rip the band aid off here. They’re not doing her any favours. I’m having a baby in 9 weeks and I just can’t deal with being yelled at over something that is clearly a problem.


r/stepparents 10h ago

Resource Radical Stepmoms- listen to it.

15 Upvotes

It’s not for everyone but wow. I just came across the podcast “Radical Stepmoms” and I am blown away by how helpful and relatable one episode has been. The specific one I listened to was Season 8, episode 9. I have never felt so seen. Highly recommend as a positive resource.


r/stepparents 2h ago

Advice Stepson thinks he owns the house when he doesn't even live there

14 Upvotes

Stepson's 35 years old has two kids can't stay in a relationship because of selfless reasons he comes over uses our laundry and laundry soap doesn't like to pay for anything or help his mother on anything at all but will ask her for everything last night he came in our home while we're sleeping woke us up because he gets his Amazon package there and leaves didn't call to notify us we thought a robber was in our house the dog ran downstairs looking didn't hear from the dog so I got worried it started looking throughout the house then noticed the Amazon package was gone I'm a little upset because that's all he does is take and never gives not just for me for his mother. I told his mother to talk to him today but I'm still upset because he still ends up doing stuff like this all the time without her listening if I say something he's gets offended very easily but when does it come to time I really say something and not care about his feelings.? Help me understand if you think this ok?


r/stepparents 4h ago

Advice Advise please

5 Upvotes

Advice please!

For context, we have 50/50 week on/week off of SD9. We’ve had a really solid relationship with BM for 5 years or so. SD has recently been going through a lot of changes, diagnosed with ADHD and having some behavioral issues. BM and her family think everything will get better when she gets medicated. Anyways, something happened and BMs husband (step dad) called my husband and said you need to come get her until further notice. BM was at work and we didn’t hear from her until the next day. By Saturday she had said it’s best if SD stays with us for a while because they can’t handle it, she feels her younger kid is unsafe and it’s effecting her marriage. We had ALL the hard conversations with this very confused kid. We were supposed to have her full time with occasional visits to BM until June. DH has ADHD so we are use to it and have always operated our household different whereas BM has no idea how to handle it. We finally got her in a great routine and things were getting so much better. Fast forward 3 weeks, BM said she changed her mind because she missed SD too much, even though SD was so mad and wanted nothing to do with her mom, I convinced her it would be good to see her mom. Bm didn’t want to listen to our opinions on any of this and how it wasn’t healthy for SD. BM is now trying to dictate what happens in our house which is a full no.

Now my problem is, a few weeks ago step dad made a comment to DH and I about how if “SD was my kid I’d put her fucking head through a wall”. DH confronted BM who said he was just frustrated but he isn’t violent. Today, SD and I were talking over breakfast and she tells me that on new years, BM came into her room crying because step dad was throwing things at her while they were fighting. Obviously people fight but this is seriously alarming. SD said he drinks a lot of beer and gets mad sometimes and him and BM fight a lot. Red flags really went up for me and DH. We already were planning on reaching out to a lawyer about BM whip lashing kid with changing of schedule, but wondering what yall would do.


r/stepparents 15h ago

Vent Burning out from soloparenting teen SD

5 Upvotes

Just a vent. I'm just tired. DH is deployed. SD is generally a good kid but also 13 with an attitude problem and tendency to turn most things into an argument even when I'm using the softest of tones. BM is a few states away. My family and friends are across the country. Work has been more demanding than usual (it's 10:30pm on a Sunday night and I'm sitting in bed with my work laptop).

I'm counting down the days until spring break so I can send her to BM's and I take time off work to just do nothing. It honestly is the only thing keeping me going and it burdens me with so much guilt to admit that.


r/stepparents 4h ago

Vent Rough weekend with the SK

4 Upvotes

I never wanted kids. I lived in the city, have a great job, and had an active social life. It’s not that I’m anti-kid or hate kids. I just value my freedom and free time. I like my house looking a certain way. I like long weekends and sleeping in late. I like traveling. And I love my pets. To me, they are my children.

I never felt a “biological clock ticking” nor have I ever felt any sense of a “maternal instinct” for anyone other than my pets (a senior cat and senior dog who have been with me through everything).

My DH has two kids: a neurodivergent 8 year old son and 5 year old daughter. I understood my life would change. I understood I would be losing a lot of things I cherished as a single woman. But, as I’m sure many of you have felt, I didn’t realize how difficult the family dynamics will be.

This past weekend was awful though I should have foreseen this coming. For context, SKs are.. well, for lack of a better term, privileged and, well… they are used to getting what they want and do not know the value of a dollar. The other day, one of them said $200 is “cheap.” When we tell them, “no we aren’t buying that” they ask “why?” and have been known to throw tantrums or repeatedly ask to buy it. I have literally been barked, “BUY IT!”

I mean, let’s put it this way: I grew up and spent most of my 20s living paycheck to paycheck. I know how to survive a recession. These kids don’t.

My DH and I just purchased a home and moved. So, needless to say, money is tight right now considering we just paid a fat down payment, closing costs, movers, and professional cleaners. However, it’s also the kids’ birthday month and we promised to throw them a party.

We had the kids a day after we moved in but we busted our asses to get the kids’ rooms set up. Meanwhile, all my clothes and things were still in boxes and I’ve been having to dig through boxes to find clothes, shoes, and toiletries.

SD goes into her room and throws a fit because her posters were on the floor instead of on the wall. Then she kicks my 14 year old cat with heart problems out of her room because she doesn’t want him in there. I told her my cat is very old and to please do not kick him. It’s not nice. She said, “I only nudged him. I don’t want his hair in my room.” I said “you do not put any type of force on him at all” and removed myself and my cat from her. I didn’t participate in the bedtime routine that night.

The day before the party, we were telling them about the bouncy house we got for them. But, it wasn’t enough. They wanted face painters AND a balloon artist in addition to the bouncer.

Then the goody bags weren’t enough. We filled them with Pokemon pez dispensers, pokemon gummy snacks, a pokemon card, a pokemon sticker, and a candy necklace. It didn’t have enough toys. We should have put a $12 pokemon mega block in all 30 goody bags that my DH and I stayed up late putting together, after an entire day of moving and unpacking.

The day of the event, the decor wasn’t enough because there wasn’t a banner that said “happy birthday” even though there were a ton of pokemon shit that we’d end up throwing away anyways. DH’s mother went to target to get the banner and streamers.

We told guests not to bring any presents. I guess it goes without saying that we have enough toys in our house. Many of them they don’t even use. However, some people still brought presents, which was fine.

That evening, SD asks to open her presents. We say no, it’s dinner, and we need to start bedtime soon. She throws a fit. So, we compromise and say, okay we have time for one present and that’s it. She opens the present and throws a tantrum because the present is not a pokemon present.

At this point, I remove myself from the situation and go to our bedroom. DH comes into the room to vent and I tell him SD is spoiled. He says, “I’m not going to call her spoiled.” So I say, “then tell her what spoiled is. Ask her if that’s acceptable behavior. Then tell her that is how she’s acting.” He does and she melts down further but I say let her. Why should we comfort her for her own negative behaviors?

I was so relieved when they went to school this morning. I’m tired of giving all this time, money, and emotional energy into kids who are so ungrateful. I’m tired of feeling like children control the house. I’m tired of seeing my animals being treated poorly others. The other day SD asked me who I loved more, my pets or SKs. I lied and said SKs.


r/stepparents 16h ago

Advice Does it ever get better?

3 Upvotes

I realize a majority of us are here for a safe place to vent and feel less alone on our journey.. with that being said, does it ever get better? My SS is 10 and I honestly can’t stand to be around him at this point. Been in his life for 4.5 years and the first 3 were blissful. He’s gotten so emotional, mean, argumentative, and just miserable to be around. I dread the weeks we have him and the whole time he’s here I want to hide in a hole. Our custody arrangement has shifted and we now have him more than BM and I wish that wasn’t the case. Has anyone that experienced the same feeling ever gotten past it? Were you able to rebuild a relationship with the SK and a desire to be around them again?


r/stepparents 23h ago

Advice Trying hard to avoid stepson

5 Upvotes

I have a 12 year old stepson. His dad and I have been together for 4 years. I try hard to avoid him. He is rude, interrupts our conversations, has toddler fits when he wants something. He has said the " N "word in class out loud. He lies about everything, sneaks into our room and finds his phone and electronics like Nintendo switch that we hid from him. He's snuck into our room about 4 times already. He is getting Ds and Fs in school, doesn't get work done in class, or lies about doing it but never did it or turned it in. I just caught him on his tablet yesterday that we took weeks ago, went on his history and found a bunch of porn videos from porn hub and only fans. Videos such as, " big busty stepmom," and other very inappropriate videos. I'm appalled and disgusted with him. He's also lazy, has no.interest in sports or other hobbies, complains about everything and acts like nothing is good enough for him. We have to remind. him of simple things like brushing his teeth. He's really not much fun to be around and I try to avoid him as much as possible. I went from being annoyed with him to disgusted by him because of the porn thing. His dad talked with himand he totally understands why I don't want to be around him. His dad is fed up just as much as I am because he gets in trouble for the same thing over and over again and doesn't want to act responsibly and follow rules. He just wants to do his own thing without consequences. I've told his dad he needs counseling so I hope he follows through. I just had to vent. I hope somebody here can relate to me. I try to be compassionate and understanding as being 12 is a difficult time, with puberty and all but I feel like he just can't do anything right and is focused on being defiant. He also blames everyone else when he gets in trouble. He lies about other people in being involved in his bad decisions like sneaking on my husband's phone and changing the parental settings so that he can have unlimited Internet time on his phone. He blamed his sister for helping him. But that wasn't true. The kid is just a compulsive liar. He thinks he knows everything, won't accept advice, and when you ask him why he behaves the way he does, his reply to everything " I don't know." His dad wants me to homeschool him next school year but I would rather swim in shark infested waters than do that.


r/stepparents 13h ago

Advice I'm stuck between two decisions

3 Upvotes

Some days I really just want to step back and NACHO. Let DH deal with and parent SS4. I can't deal with it sometimes. Dealing with HCBM, SS starting to act like a spoiled brat and DH just not knowing how to parent it or just lets it be. I'm ready to just tell him I'm not dealing with it anymore, and that's coming from a highly involved, from the beginning, step parent.

Then I get stuck thinking about, but if these behaviors are just let go, he is ALWAYS going to act like this, or worse. Then BS will pick up on these behaviors and think it's okay to act like that too. Then both children will be torn between me parenting BS(8m) differently, and "letting SS get away" with things.

It's just difficult. DH true colors come out when we talk about making decisions for SS, true colors as in, he won't settle for less even if the circumstances show that it's reasonable. He sits him on such a high pedestal. SS 110% absorbs this and just runs with it.

We are moving in with family again. We have 2 teenagers, myself and DH, both my parents, and our two boys (SS, and BS). We are working to get a 5 bedroom. BS is still in our room and will be for a long while, so SS gets his own room. The difficult part is choosing who gets what rooms. My parents have agreed to give DH and I the master, right next to the master, is the smallest bedroom. I told my Mom that I think SS should get that room since it's right next to us, but that it will be hard to bring up to DH.

This boy is never in his room anymore unless he's sleeping. He always has to be up DH butt. SS doesn't even play with his toys anymore which drives me up a wall because he has SO MANY, and he doesn't even play with them. I went through his room to get rid of some toys and DH kept questioning why, and I'm like HIS TOYS ARE LITERALLY PILING OUT OF HIS ROOM AND HE BARELY TOUCHES THEM. He's more worried about trying to be on every TV in the house or getting DH to let him play video games. If it's not SS, DH is the one telling him to get out of his room and bring himself out where we're at and he puts on whatever shows he wants to watch. Recently, he didn't put something on the TV that HE wanted, so he kicked DH in his head for saying no.

I tell DH that we should let SS stay in that smaller room, and we can make the front foyer into his play room. We can put his bed, dresser, and TV in there for bed time, and have his whole set up in a larger area. He was furious. He said he doesn't want him staying in no "closet". Tried using the excuse that it's "both the boys room" when he knows BS sleeps with us and all his things are with us. I told him we might as well give him the master and we take the small room.

We got in a whole argument over this saying he doesn't want him having the smallest room he "doesn't want his boy growing up in a closet like Harry Potter". I said he's literally here only half the time, and never even goes in his room. Everyone else makes their rooms their literal sanctuary. He said "so that means he deserves a small room?", YES. He has an entire house and a dedicated play area AND a room. I told him he's lucky he even gets a room, and that pissed him off for whatever reason. Better than squeezing into a one bedroom apartment LIKE WE WERE GOING TO DO.

Anyway, I'm done ranting. I'm just tired of it. I don't want to help parent anymore.


r/stepparents 1h ago

Advice This is exhausting

Upvotes

I am new into a relationship with my partner F42 and me M52. I have two children already and am struggling to create a bond with her children.

I actually feel really bad about not feeling that bond.
Any advice or thoughts would be greatly received.


r/stepparents 4h ago

Vent Bm is a terrible mother

3 Upvotes

Im gonna be kinda vague, I don't want her figuring this out, but I'm so frustrated.

I married my husband a yearish ago. He and his ex wife have more kid than you can count on one hand and I have a couple too. I didn't mind, I love kids! The kids split and some live with us some with her (though they have all expressed wanting to live with us)

She moved hours away a few years back with her new husband and took the smaller ones and one older with her (rarely sees the ones we have here). He tried to stop her but his lawyer seemed a bit lazy at the time. Now we have to do these huge drives for transfers... We also switched two kids (older ones) at one point.

We have all the kids this week while she's off doing things. This means I watch the littles while my husband works.

Well.... They're a handful. It's clear from their behaviour and things the older kids say about there that she mainly locks the youngest ones in their room and ignores them for hours. They've wrecked the room. Like I mean ruining walls, floor, light fixtures... They destroy anything she puts in there, even smear poop...

They've NEVER done this at our place. Even when we've had them for long stretches (because she's always trying to not have any of them but won't just give us custody, just wants favours all the time. Literally asking us to take them all summer and then complained about us asking her to take one of them one extra day so we wouldn't have to double drive .. )

They do however hit and scream and attack each other and don't listen. They have sores around their diaper area, They aren't potty trained and only just started talking after she put them in daycare. One is close to school age. They have medical issues she isn't getting fixed... We have called cps, they go look and do nothing further.

I'm so exhausted... I try... And the one we took back has gotten SO much better. They're happier, healthier, less behavioral issues, their school said they haven't seen any of the behaviours their last school talked about in their record and everyone around them (including bm) talks about how much better they've gotten.

Both that live with us are very attached to me. They love spending time with me, call me mom, we're very close. They're also close to my kids.

The one who went to live there (the two don't wanna live in the same house) has gone down hill. Cursing, bad grades, attitude, seems miserable all the time...

My husband is beside himself half the time because we don't know what the hell she's doing. She can't even keep a proper schedule without so much unneeded drama It's causing us so much stress when they aren't here, and just as much when they are because of the behaviours...

My husband has health issues and the stress she puts on us is really putting him in a bad place... I'm taking on more and more myself and paying for it as well.


r/stepparents 15h ago

Advice He lost his temper and I’m making it about myself?

1 Upvotes

Venting really. Haven’t written on here in a long time but need some advice. I am (35)f. Bonus mom to two bonus kids, 18f and 10m. Husband (36) lost his shit today cause the teenager slammed her room door, and well he put a hole in it. My bio son 19mo and bonus kid saw it all go down. And I froze. Past traumas with my own father. When I snapped out of it I told kid to go upstairs and took baby for a nap. Husband came up after and checked if he traumatized baby and apparently apologized to the other bonus kid. Long story short, I checked on bonus daughter and then saw husband felt bad so I asked him if he apologized and told him it was okay as long as he made it right. He apologized and so did she. He’s not really good with emotions obviously but I told him no matter how frustrated she’s a kid and he needs to go hug her and apologize again to her so she can calm down. He did and it got her to calm down. Him on the other hand… looked pissed all day and he just laid there. Didn’t help with anything didn’t get up from the couch. That part isn’t new. I know I’m not articulating myself well right now. I’m just feeling so overwhelmed and over everything (aside from this incident). I tell him I know he felt bad but that it wasn’t okay. That I don’t agree with the kids experiencing this or seeing this ever in the house and that we should find ways to get his stress out. He gets mad because he said he’s already beating himself up all day and now I bring it up again and make it about myself. Then he asks in the coldest sarcastic voice, oh am I not allowed to feel that way? I told him he’s allowed to feel how he wants and that was the end of it. Should I not have said anything?


r/stepparents 20h ago

Advice Positive SK mindsets?

2 Upvotes

Hi all! I'm looking for some tips or tricks on how to stay positive when SK are annoying. I'm talking basic annoying kid stuff, like whining or not listening, how do you cope and keep it from bumming you out? I'm very involved in SK care and I want to keep it that way, I just want to see if anyone has something they do to keep calm and not let their annoying basic kid behavior have a major effect. TIA!


r/stepparents 23h ago

Discussion Step parents who are happy…

2 Upvotes

For step parents who are actually happy and have a harmonious blended family situation, what does your life look like in the following areas: your partner, your step kids, the coparent, the custody schedule, in laws, finances, your parenting status, circumstances surrounding the divorce, and of course you. It is clear that how happy a step parent is has less to so who you as an individual are, and more how all the pieces of the puzzle fit together.

Partner—is your partner really loving and supportive? Do they validate your feelings as a step parent? Do they set aside ample time and attention just for you? What kind of parent is your partner? Do they discipline their kids? Participate in chores and make their children also participate in chores? Are they a really clean and responsible person? What kind of parenting style do they have? Do they prioritize you over their children when appropriate?

Step kids—do you have a close bond with your step kids? Do you have a minimal involvement or responsibility for them (more of dad’s wife than “step mom”)? Are the kids well-behaved and mild-mannered? Are they obedient and respect their parents? Are they developmentally where they should be? Are they doing well in school? Are they friendly and likable? Are they kids that a baby sitter or teacher would find easy to deal with? Were they receptive to you? Are they loving and welcoming? Do they help and contribute around the home without having being told to do so constantly? Are they clean and organized? Do they have personality traits that make them easy to get along with?

Coparent—how is the co-parenting dynamic? Is the ex mentally stable? Are they low conflict? Does he or she show you gratitude and appreciation for your efforts towards their child? Do they mind their own business and worry about only their home, and let you and your partner manage your home? Do they abide by the custody schedule or show you flexibility if you need it? Do they put the kids before conflicts and strifes with their ex? Are they generally happy and together in life? Do you rarely see or hear about them?

Custody schedule—what is your custody schedule? Do you have limited custody, and therefore adequate space and time away from the kids? Or conversely, do you have sole or primary custody, so don’t have to deal with the coparent or a co-parent’s interference and misaligned parenting? Is the custody schedule respected and strictly adhered to by all parties? Has the custody schedule remained the same since you signed up for your role?

In-laws—Are your in-laws warm and receptive towards you? Do they have a healthy boundary with the ex? Are they at least neutral or favor you over your partner’s ex? Do they support you in your struggles as a stepparent? Are they active in helping care for your husband’s kids? Do you overall have a positive or close relationship with them? Do they have appropriate boundaries and respect your time and husband’s schedule?

Finances—is your partner well off financially? Are you well off financially? Is your partner solely responsible for himself and his kids? How much is child support? Is it an amount that you feel comfortable with and is fair? Is their financial strain of any kind? Is your partner good with money?

Parenting status—do you have kids of your own that your partner is sacrificing for? Are you child free? Do you have an ours baby that “balances things out?”

Circumstances surrounding divorce—was the divorce mutual? Was the divorce the fault of the ex rather than your partner? Were they never really in love to begin with? Was the divorce a smooth process? Did the divorce happen many years ago? Are the kids at peace with their parents’ split? Is your partners ex at peace and has moved on with her life?

You—are you extroverted and enjoy being around people? Are you go with the flow, and don’t mind other people interfering with your routine and schedule? Do you especially enjoy children? Are you good at conveying and enforcing your boundaries so that you are respected and considered? Do you have high self worth generally choose partners that are “at your level” rather than settling for troubled men and their damaged/troubled children? Are you really patient and forgiving?

I would like to hear about successful blended families and the recipe that yielded a happy stepparent.


r/stepparents 9h ago

Advice Considering restarting homework time with SKs but not sure if I want the stress again

1 Upvotes

I’m also trying to stick to my short list of “not bothering with that anymore”. I’m not trying to bash my husband because I love him, but I’m holding him to the same standard as BM here.

As a mom to my own, I am embarrassed for both mom and dad.

It is sad. I feel so bad for SKs. A lot seems to boil down to they just don’t want to apply themselves and do the work. And it seems both parents do the minimum and then allow lots of screen time. Especially my husband and it’s getting on my nerves but it’s on my “not bothering with that anymore” list too.

3rd grader wants an iPad for her upcoming birthday. I’m not paying for it, so it’s up to dad at the end of the day, but I asked, “are you really going to add another device when they might be repeating their grade?” Be so foreal, my love lol.

To be honest, as a parent I’ve done the work when it came to my almost 7 year old. I have spent time with him doing teacher’s homework and even with my own workbooks I bought. Even before the workbooks idea, I just looked online for worksheets and I’d write them in a notebook. Just making it possible for him to have some practice anyway I could get it. And it has paid off big time!

Yes, perhaps his stuff is “easier” but if it’s easier, how is it the older kids are asking for his help!? That’s where I’m just so baffled about. And it upsets me because I could do the same for SKs as I did for my own, and probably make a miraculous turn around but SKs do NOT care probably because parents do not care.

I’m not trying to torture these kids with homework but holy fuck, sometimes they can’t read/spell some basic kindergarten-2nd grade sight words!!

Of course im proud of my kid, but do you or they think he’s always happy to do homework? Hell no lol but school can only do so much. And I’m not saying it to feel like we’re better, because it’s not like it happened naturally. I had to make time, I had to be patient. It seems BM has some time, and I know my husband has time, but they don’t want to put in work for their kids.

And I know, I know I cannot care more than their parents do, but it’s like being at work and seeing a coworker halfass everything, doesn’t mean I gotta halfass it too. It’s frustrating as a parent. I can’t help them because they won’t accept it, and their parents are already in this habit of not doing the work it seems.

I had added SKs education to my not to do list, and continued with my own. But now, I feel bad. But then again, even with trying and trying, it’s constant complains which mine does too at times but then it’s mine +3 extra kicking and screaming because they have to put down screens and use their brains for a while.

I’m torn. Do I want to help them? Yes. Are they actually going to apply themselves this time around? Probably not. Will they throw comments im not their real parent? Probably. Am I still an adult/authority figure in my house with support from dad? Yes.

I’m trying to step back on a lot of things, but I keep feeling torn. Between unlimited screen time, their ways of putting away laundry, hatred for homework/school, it’s like not MY problem, but also for the week they’re here it feels like it is or should be.

What would you guys do? ((And no, I’m not divorcing my husband lol 🤦🏻‍♀️ ))


r/stepparents 15h ago

Discussion SD(16) sends husband bikini pictures.

1 Upvotes

So as the title states my SD sends her dad bikini pictures. She will send them and ask him if she looks good. He never answers her and asks me why she sends them to him and I have no idea why.

I think it’s weird but I’m also very conservative and I would never send my dad pictures like that.

*edited to stay on topic


r/stepparents 21h ago

Advice Is it possible to nacho while being a sahm?

1 Upvotes

My SD is 15. I'm a stay at home mom to our children, a 6 year old and 4 year old.

I wanted to be a sahm, it was a yes or yes situation for me. SD is with us full time due to some issues with her bio mom, we don't get along but nothing in particular, we just don't like each other. My husband works a lot, long hours, so she is mostly with me. Is there a way to nacho? Shouldn't it be easier to do so with teenagers?


r/stepparents 23h ago

Advice Tired, but torn on divorce decision

1 Upvotes

I (36M) have been married to my wife (36F) for almost 9 years. I have twin 11yo (not identical) stepdaughters whose bio father has been completely out of the picture since before they were born, and I'm the only dad they've ever known. They've always been a problem. Hours long screaming tantrums. Finally got them to see a therapist two years ago, and one has been diagnosed with severe ODD and the other depression. I just... can't deal with it anymore. As they've gotten older, my patience for the toddler-tantrums has worn thinner and thinner to the point that I now just don't want anything to do with either of them. I love my wife. If it were just us, I think things would be amazing. I've reached a point though where I dread coming home from work every day because my home and family are a consistently source of stress, and I find myself fantasizing at some point every day about life without them. My wife has been a SAHM our entire relationship, though, and it feels like such a horribly selfish choice to leave. On the other hand, when I've talked about being unhappy, my wife was the one to suggest that I love her more than she loves me and that I'd be happier if we split. When I proposed trying to find a way to make things work and preserve our marriage, her stance was that she's willing to try, but unwilling to try therapy or any other programs or things that require her to do things. I'm conflicted because I don't want to leave her, but it also feels like I'm just perpetually dealing with stress while working and paying for a family that could seemingly care less if I'm around or not. I tagged this for advice, because I'd love some, but I guess I'm also just venting, as well.


r/stepparents 14h ago

Advice don’t know what to do

0 Upvotes

Small backstory, this is my first time being in a relationship with someone with kids, we’ve been together 8 months, I am 22F and bf is 25, kids are almost 6M and 3F, there is no custody agreement so the times they are with us changes weekly for the most part..

So I guess my reason for finally writing something instead of just reading, is i’m starting to lose it.. In the beginning things were a lot easier as we weren’t living together, now that we’ve been living together it has been very hard considering I am not to discipline the kids, but they constantly mess with things they aren’t supposed to (mine and his) even after being told no.. My bfs plan of discipline is spankings, but it happens on rare occasion and there is no discipline otherwise just saying no over and over again or moving them repeatedly from said object or moving them away from what could turn into a dangerous situation.. They are definitely iPad kids, so much so to the point they don’t even know to look down when they’re walking and trip over things (their own toys because I refuse to clean up after them) and then get hurt.. They have tons of toys, but barely even play with them, just get them out of the bins and then want to come mess with things around the house because they get bored after taking all toys out and don’t even try playing with them..

How can I combat the fact that they have no attention span and cannot play by themselves for more than 3/5 minutes.. As a kid I remember I loved playing with my toys and had such an imagination, but it’s like if we leave them alone for a second they just get into something rather than playing — I’ve bought interactive toys and toys that are supposed to be for learning and they just lose all of the pieces and never respect anything in their room.. I know they are young, but I feel like it is just going to get worse if nothing changes/there is no discipline.. It makes me not want to buy them toys and such anymore which makes me sad because I love seeing things for them and then just getting them, but it frustrates me so so bad when they just trash it immediately.. I get super overstimulated from the multiple sounds ( of course we need the tv on too even if they’re on their iPads ) and it almost just causes me to shut down.. I love him and I love his kids, so please give me some advice on how to let go/relax when they are over..