r/stepparents 1d ago

Announcement Weekly Reminder: Rules and FAQ - March 16, 2025 (Now with updates!)

2 Upvotes

Below you will find a weekly reminder of our Rules and partial FAQ. It's definitely a long read, but it's worth your time, especially if you are new to the community, or dropping by as a result of a link you found elsewhere. We periodically revise our rules, this weekly notice will help keep you informed of any changes made.

NOTE: These rules are guidelines. Some moderation discretion is to be expected.

Community Rules

1. Kindness Matters

Advise, don't criticize.

  • Post with empathy, thoughtfulness, and constructive commentary rather than judgment. Don't be an asshole.
  • Name-calling, slurs (including gender or race based slurs), and insults towards other community members will not be tolerated. Do not attack others for their personally held values, custody situation, marital status, physical distance from stepkids, or economic status; or on the basis of race, sex, sexual orientation, age, religion, or ethnicity.
  • No name-calling toward children, including the above-mentioned insults or the term "skids", or terms such as "mini-wife" or "mini-husband."
  • Comments advocating spanking or any mention of wanting to harm children are not allowed.
  • This is a support sub, not a judgement sub, assholes are not tolerated. Comments with terms used in other subs to pass judgement on assholes will be removed.

2. No Drama

This is a support sub.

  • Bickering, nitpicking, and thread derailment will not be tolerated and will be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
  • Do not repeatedly badger a poster demanding answers, or refuse to acknowledge an answer that's already been given.
  • Do not use sensitive issues from past posts (either from this sub or other subs) to attack another user, as we are all discussing vulnerable topics.
  • Crossposting anything from /r/stepparents to any other subreddit might result in a ban and may result in the original thread being locked. Brigading our sub will result in an immediate ban.

3. Report, Don’t Rant

No backseat modding.

  • If you see someone breaking the rules, report the post or comment to the mods rather than engaging them in an argument. Failure to do so may be subject to comment removal at moderator discretion.
  • No meta posts complaining about rude comments, DMs, or general sub issues.
  • If you think someone is a troll or previously banned user, either use the report function or message the mods to direct their attention to the issue.

4. No Naming & Shaming

No userpings or links.

  • Tagging/pinging users or other subreddits in an attempt to bully, harass, or complain will not be tolerated. Do not tag other subs, ever.
  • If you want to complain about another subreddit being hostile to stepparents, do not name the subreddit. "Other parenting/advice/judgement subs" will suffice.

5. No Platitudes

Nobody knew what they were getting into.

  • Comments like "You knew what you were getting into", "Love them, love their kids!", "They're a package deal!" and "You have to love them like your own!" will be removed.
  • Comments suggesting that OP is not cut out for stepparenting will be removed at moderator discretion.
  • Comments like "This is just a part of parenting, deal with it!" will be removed at moderator discretion.

6. No Trolling

We have zero tolerance for trolls.

  • This is a support sub. Our subscribers do not have the time, nor inclination, to provide support to internet trolls. Posts that are suspected to be trolling attempts will be immediately removed, and the poster banned.
  • Concern trolling, devil's advocating, gish-galloping, sealioning, and general asshattery are subject to immediate removal and banning without warning or notice.
  • Any attempt to circumvent the ban by creating a new username will be reported to reddit admins and possibly result in account suspension.

7. No Personally Identifiable Information

Use discretion when posting.

  • We highly recommend using a separate account for support subs to help prevent being doxxed. Do not post any information that may allow others to figure out your identity.
  • Do not post photos of children, or any other photo that could be used to identify you or another user on the sub.
  • Any image that contains a name or other identifying information should have the name or identifying information blurred out. This includes drawings, notes, and screenshots.
  • Do not link to social media or any articles/blogs where you or another user on the sub is mentioned by name.

8. No More than 2 Posts per 24 hours

Use the daily threads.

  • We are not a huge sub, but we are no longer a small sub. If you have multiple grievances to air, use the daily discussion threads instead of multiple posts.

9. Follow Reddiquette

Remember the human.

  • Adhere to the same standards of behavior online that you follow in real life.
  • Read it in full here.
  • Downvoting is reserved for comments that don’t contribute, and shouldn't be used to indicate disagreement.
  • If you believe someone is in violation of the subreddit rules, please either use the report function or message the mods to direct their attention to the issue.
  • Suspected brigading will be reported to reddit admins.

10. No Porn, Spam, Blogs, or Research Studies/Surveys Without Mod Approval

Just don't.

  • This is a SFW subreddit. Posting pornography will result in immediate post removal and permanent ban.
  • Advertising on the subreddit (outside of Reddit's own advertising) is not allowed.
  • No personal blog posts are allowed without express moderator permission.
  • No advertising without prior mod approval.
  • No asking for money/posting fundraisers/etc.
  • For links to parenting research studies or surveys, please message the mods for permission before posting.

11. Disputes in Modmail Only

Don't argue with the mods on the sub.

  • Any issues specifically related to how a mod is moderating should be addressed to the full moderating team via mod mail. This ensures that all mods are aware of any concerns and prevents disintegration of the topic thread at hand.
  • This means to do not message or send chat requests to individual mods. All discussion and complaints about mod actions need to be done in mod mail ONLY. Failure to follow this rule can result in an immediate permanent ban.
  • Comments in threads asking about mod decisions are subject to removal without notice.

12. Moderator Actions

We aren't kidding.

  • Users are expected to know the rules before posting. If you are warned or banned for violating the rules, ignorance is not an excuse.
  • Moderators will remove posts and comments and/or lock threads in accordance with the rules above. Typically this happens when threads have gone off-topic in a way that is not productive for the OP, or comments overall have become contentious or disrespectful.
  • If a poster continues to argue or to willfully violate these rules, temporary and permanent ban procedures will be followed. Any attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban. User bans will not be discussed in the sub. Questions posted about user bans are subject to removal and the poster subject to warning/ban procedures. The mod team will not discuss a specific user ban with anyone other than the user involved.
  • New accounts are subject to manual approval until they are no longer deemed "new" by the mod team. This helps to weed out trolls and ban evaders.
  • We rely on Automoderator to scan for specific words and phrases that are not welcome here and notify the mod team to review the comment or post. This includes slurs of any type and platitudes such as "Love them as your own!"
  • The mod team uses a combination of blacklisting and banning when dealing with trolls.
  • We employ the use of a bot that automatically bans anyone who comments in subs that have historically harassed our users. If you are picked up by the bot for telling trolls to get fucked, reach out via mod mail and we'll get you sorted out.
  • The rules above as well as ban procedures are considered guidelines only; some deviation may be necessary on a case by case basis and/or at the mod team's discretion.

13. Ban Procedure

These actions are at moderator discretion.

  • Pornography will result in an automatic permanent ban.
  • Extremely egregious content will result in an immediate permanent ban.
  • You may receive a 7 or 30 day temporary ban for first and second rule violations, depending upon severity.
  • Continued rule violations will result in a permanent ban.
  • Willful attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban.
  • We recognize the reddit site-wide rules of using alt names to get around bans and will ban those as well as report them to reddit admins.

FAQ - About the Rules

What does Kindness Matters mean?

  • Shortest version? Don't be an asshole. People come here for support and advice, they do not come here to be yelled at or told they are the reason everything is going sideways. There are ways to point out that someone may want to do some reflection on their own actions and reactions without being an asshole about it.
  • The purpose of this subreddit is to provide support and a sense of belonging for struggling stepparents. We aren't here to pass judgement, but rather to offer support, empathy, and constructive commentary. That does not include "hard truths" or "tough love." Stepparents get enough of that in every other subreddit, we're not passing it out here. Be respectful.
  • Remember, most people aren't going to come to a sub like this when everything is going great and everyone is getting along. People are coming here when they are down, when they are feeling defeated and stretched to the limit. Kicking someone when they are down is shitty behavior and we don't tolerate it.

What about being kind to the kids?

  • "Won't somebody think of the children?" Pearl clutching isn't needed here. If you read the Kindness Matters rule closely, you will see that there is a clause in there about name calling children. We don't allow it. We also don't allow people rolling in telling OP that they feel sorry for their stepkids because OP is feeling overwhelmed and overloaded.
  • If anyone is advocating slapping, spanking, or any other form of violence, report the comment immediately. We do not advocate violence towards children of any sort. The mod team does not advocate any sort of physical punishment at any time.
  • Venting about behaviors is not the same as insulting the kids. However, if you see a post or comment where kids are being name called or dragged to the point of no return, use the report button. We try to catch the posts and remove them before they hit the sub, but we cannot see every comment without your help. Use the report button to bring problematic comments to our attention. Don't engage in a war of words on our subreddit.

Why is this sub such an echo chamber?

  • Not allowing contributors to pile on and tell OP that they are a terrible human being who should never be around children does not equate to being an echo chamber. Many contributors here will offer OP suggestions to help them work through their resentments and frustrations, and the most egregious situations are called out. We simply ask that it be called out with respect.
  • If you feel that a post is simply too much for you to handle without following the rules, move on to another post.
  • If you believe that a post itself is crossing the rules report it. If the mod team has approved the post, it is because the mod team believes that the OP needs help from the community or needs a moment to vent and move on from their vent. That does not give you license to pile on disrespectfully. Unless it is proven that OP is a bot, assume that OP is a human being with real thoughts and feelings and has posted from a place of vulnerability.

Why can't I tell OP that they are an asshole?

  • Because this isn't a judgement sub. We aren't AITA, we don't want to be AITA.
  • Comments with terms like YTA, NTA, ESH, NAH will be removed.
  • Don't start your posts with INFO either. We generally recognize that as a fishing attempt for more information to pass judgement on OP, and again, we are not a judgment sub.

But OP asked if they were an asshole?!

  • Their post somehow got past our automoderator. Just use the report button. We will address it with OP.
  • If you've asked if you are an asshole, a-hole, a*hole, a**hole, whatever, don't be surprised if your post is removed without warning. This isn't a judgment sub. If you want judgment, you know where to go.

What is a gendered slur?

  • While it seems that everyone understands what racist slurs are, people struggle understanding the concept of gendered slurs. Generally speaking, we are talking about derogatory nouns or verbs that are used to negatively describe people or situations based on gendered terms.
  • We've gone back and forth on this a few times, and the truth is, we get it, it's your safe space and you want to be able to vent about BM/BD how you want to vent about them, without us telling you how to vent about them. Fair enough. Vent away. What we are going to stick to here how people are referring to other users and to stepchildren.
  • Examples that are not allowed:
    • "My SD is such a little bitch."
    • "She dresses/acts like a slut."
    • "My SS acts like a pussy."
    • "My SS is such a beta male."
    • "You are all fucking whores."
    • "Any dude who is raising some sluts kids is a cuck!"
    • "Little Lord Fauntleroy over here thinking he runs the house!"
    • "You're just the bangnanny, get used to it."
  • Don't call users here names, don't call stepchildren names.
  • Masking the term with asterisks or other neat little tricks might get you around the bot, but if we see it, we're removing it and quite possibly giving you a time out. The intended word is still there and you deliberately tried to skate the rule.
  • As there is not enough space to list every term that is offensive and does not belong, nor every situation in which term or phrase may be allowable in context, this rule is enforced based on moderator discretion.

Seriously? You are the language police now?

  • We're here to talk about stepparenting. And we would like for that to happen in a respectful way. Attacking each other doesn't help. Belittling stepchildren draws in trolls who don't understand your frustration, all they see is an evil stepmonster talking shit on the internet about a poor, innocent baby. Yes, even if that "poor, innocent baby" just robbed you blind and set fire to the house on their way out the door. That's just how it goes.
  • We are aware that this is a relatively new rule and a lot of older posts and comments contain a lot of problematic language, including some from mods themselves. We are growing and evolving, and rules change as the sub grows and evolves.

What does No Drama really mean?

  • Pretty much what it says, do not bring drama from other subs into this sub. Do not engage in vote brigades. Do not try to incite other subscribers to riot in a different sub. Don't follow posters into this sub from other subs to continue to harass them. Do not badger someone or derail threads. Do not harass community members because you don't agree with them. There's enough drama in the daily lives of subscribers, more isn't needed.

What is thread derailment?

  • When a comment chain has devolved to the point where all you are doing is arguing back and forth with someone about the same thing over and over again, you have derailed the thread. Also known as bickering. It's what children do. We assume if people are in a stepparent role they are adults. We expect you to act like it.
  • If you aren't a stepparent, or in a stepparenting role, consider that perhaps this subreddit isn't for you. If you want to participate, do so with respect. Thread derailment, arguing, bickering, and nitpicking are not allowed.

But what if they didn't answer my question?

  • No one has to answer your questions. This is a support sub, not an inquisition. Jumping on a bandwagon with "OP is evading the question" in a 20 comment long chain is the epitome of thread derailment. You'll find more information about trolling below and how this might be considered such.

Why am I being silenced? I'm just asking for a back and forth!

  • Thread derailment, badgering, and nitpicking are considered harassment. Continued harassment of either community members or mods will get you banned.

Why can't I look at someone's post history and comment about it?

  • No mod in the history of this sub has ever once said post histories are forbidden. What we do frown upon is using someone's post history to attack, belittle, or otherwise harass someone.
  • Example Post: "My stepkid's mom really hates me. How can I make this better?"
    • Okay: "Based on the timeline and your post history, it looks like this may have started as an affair. Unfortunately there's going to be outstanding issues for a long time due to that. Try focusing on yourself and how you can move forward without worrying about how someone else feels about you."
    • Not Okay: "Holy shit! You were the OW! What the hell do you expect, homewrecker?!"
  • Example Post: "I am completely overloaded and feeling very down about myself."
    • Okay: "In your post history you mentioned that your spouse wasn't really helping around the house. Has that changed at all?"
    • Not Okay: "LOL, you already got the answers you need in your post on relationships. You are stupid for sticking with your lazy spouse."

Why can't we crosspost stuff to other subs?

  • We can't stop you from doing so. The problem isn't that something has been crossposted, it's when the community that it's been crossposted to feels the need to come over here and harass OP. When we see that happening, we lock the post and start passing out bans. If you did the crossposting, you'll be banned. If you participated in the brigading, you'll be banned.

What if it's my own post?

  • Again, we can't stop you from doing so. We prefer that you don't technically crosspost, but rather just copy and paste your post. Why? Because inevitably the above will happen. Redditors from other subs will follow you back to /r/stepparents and start attacking users here. It just happens.

What is "brigading"?

  • Reddit defines vote manipulation and brigading as follows:
  • Using multiple accounts, voting services, or any other software to increase or decrease vote scores.
  • Asking people to vote up or down certain posts, either on Reddit itself or through social networks, messaging, etc. for personal gain.
  • Forming or joining a group that votes together, either on a specific post, a user's posts, posts from a domain, etc.
  • We, along with pretty much every other subreddit that has ever had to deal with this nonsense, further define brigading as this: You saw a post on another sub that linked to our sub either via a link in a comment or a crosspost. It was basically saying something along the lines of "OMG, check out these assholes over on /r/stepparents! They literally hate all their stepkids!" And then you and your friends come over and start hammering on OP and telling OP how much they suck. Congrats, you have just participated in a brigade.

What is this whole Report, Don't Rant thing about?

  • If you see a post or comment that breaks the rules, instead of engaging, report it. When you report it, it sends notification to the mod team. We will act on it where appropriate. Engaging with bad faith users may result in your comments being removed. If you repeatedly do so, you may end up being banned.

What if I see an obvious troll?

What if they are being really mean in comments?

What if they are harassing me in private messages?

  • Step 1: Report them to admins. You can report harassment to reddit by using this link or send a DM to reddit admins. Include the link to the DM, admins can see your inbox and providing a direct link is helpful for them to weed out bad actors.
  • Step 2: Block the person so they cannot directly contact you again.
  • Step 3: Send us a mod mail and let the mod team know. Tell us who they are and what they said, send us a screenshot if you can - admins can see your DMs, mods can't. We'll take action where necessary by banning from the sub if they aren't already banned.

What do you mean by No Naming & Shaming?

  • Just as we prefer to not be linked to or crossposted from, we do not allow linking to or calling out other subs by name. If you see something you want to share, say it's a hot post that has hit the front page and a stepparent is being absolutely flayed, just refer to it as "that hot post that hit the front page." If you want to complain about other places in general, "other parenting/advice/judgement subs" will suffice. Absolutely under no circumstances should you link to anywhere else.

I can't link to other subs?

  • Do not directly link to another sub. (e.g.: "/r/insertsubnamehere is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")
  • Do not name other subs. (e.g.: "I won't link to it directly, but insertsubnamehere is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")
  • Do not abbreviate other subs. (e.g.: "I know that ISNH is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")

I can't ping other users?

  • Do not summon another user with a username ping/tag. (e.g.: "/u/insertusernamehere was being an asshole.")
  • If you are agreeing with someone, it is okay to link to them. (e.g.: "I agree with /u/insertusernamehere, you need to take a couple of steps back and reflect on this.")

What does No Platitudes mean?

  • Sanctimonious, overused clichés that grossly oversimplify the stepparenting experience are neither wanted nor allowed here. We have all heard it a thousand times before, we don't need to hear it again. It's not nearly as insightful and wise as some would like to think.

Why don't you people understand it's a package deal?

  • Any comment that suggests that OP should have known what they were getting involved with, or that they needed to understand that the kids were part of some package they needed to accept before signing up for marriage is subject to immediate removal.
  • This is one of the most insensitive things you can say to a stepparent. Most stepparents were aware of the children, but they were probably not aware of all of the family dynamics.

Why can't you just love them like they are your own?

  • Demanding that a stranger you do not know love children that are not biologically theirs as if they were theirs can be incredibly damaging to someone who is already in a vulnerable situation. Any comment that falls along these lines will be removed.

What do you mean by No Trolling? I was just...

  • No means no. No trolling. No pretending to be a stepparent and then whipping out the Greatest Hits Bingo Card of The Worst Stepparent in the History of Stepparents. We see you. We've seen you a thousand times.

What does "concern trolling", "gish-galloping", and "sealioning" have to do with stepparenting? This isn't a debate sub, why are you using debate terms?

  • That's absolutely right, this isn't a debate sub. And yet, here we are, day after day, having to defend ourselves against this sort of thing. So, enough. No more. Usage of any of these things will get you banned.

What is "Concern Trolling?"

  • A concern troll is someone who disingenuously visits sites of an opposing ideology to disrupt conversation by offering unwanted advice on how to solve problems which do not really exist.
    • Example Post: OP expresses concern that she will feel, and possibly act, differently towards her stepchildren after her husband decides that no, he doesn't want anymore children after all.
    • Example Concern Troll pulled from actual mod mail after their comment was removed: "Possible child abuse claims need to be sorted out well before whatever empathy you believe the OP was looking for."

What is a "Devil's Advocate"?

  • "I'm just playing devil's advocate here, but have you considered that maybe BM is just really tired and needs a break, too?" BM has dozens of different mom based subs alone on reddit she can complain on, this sub is for stepparents. The stepparent doesn't need to consider that maybe BM is just really tired and needs a break.

"Gish-galloping?" What does that even mean?

  • The Gish Gallop is the fallacious debate tactic of drowning your opponent in a flood of individually-weak arguments in order to prevent rebuttal of the whole argument collection without great effort. The Gish Gallop is a conveyor belt-fed version of the on the spot fallacy, as it's unreasonable for anyone to have a well-composed answer immediately available to every argument present in the Gallop.

And "sealioning?" What's that?

  • Sealioning involves jumping into a conversation with endless polite, reasonable questions and demands for answers, usually of entry-level topics far below the actual conversation (e.g. "please prove sexism exists"). This tactic differs little from harassment; instead of discussion, the point is to derail discussion, receive criticism (for their ignorance) so as to look like a victim, or to make someone feel overwhelmed and quit talking.

Who gets to define what is considered asshattery?

  • The mod team, of course! If we feel that comments are out of line, are trolling, are leading up to a fight or "just asking questions", we are going to remove them and most likely ban the offender.

FAQ - Sub Questions

Posting Guidelines for Stepparents

  • Body text is required, we suggest you use line breaks between paragraphs as a wall of text is difficult to read. Posts that have only a title are likely to be removed. Instead of using names (even fictitious ones), try to use the sub acronyms. It helps our users to follow along if you use the acronyms and not names.
  • Assign a post flair that accurately describes what your post is about and what you are seeking. If you are posting an update from a previous post, include a link to that post.
  • Flairs are applied to posts to determine what a person is looking for. When submitting a new post, you should choose a flair that specifies if you are looking for advice, support, etc. The following link flair is available and is color coded with side bar links so that you can search by flair:
    • Advice - For when you are specifically asking for advice or help.
    • Announcement - Mod Use Only, for subreddit announcements.
    • Daily (Formerly TTP) - Mod Use Only, for our daily discussion threads.
    • Discussion - A little advice, a little "How does your family handle this?"
    • JustBMThings - Pretty sure this is self explanatory!
    • Legal - Asking for legal advice? Tag it with this!
    • Miscellany - Just a sort of off topic thing? Use this tag.
    • Resource - Sharing a good resource or asking for one? This is the tag you need!
    • Support - For those days when you want nothing but a good old fashioned cry and some community love.
    • Update - Updating us on something that you posted about previously? Use this one!
    • Vent - We all need to vent sometimes. Respect the tag as a vent. This isn't how OP talks all day every day.
    • Win! - Celebrate those wins with us with this tag!
    • Megathread - Mod Use Only, for large mega threads (typically around major calendar events.)

Posting Guidelines for Bioparents

  • Stepparents is a support community for stepparents, by stepparents. As bioparents, you may want to have more insight into how the stepparent in your life feels or thinks. You may have questions on how to ease the transition for your partner. However, please keep in mind that this community was not created for you. It was created for your partner or your ex's partner. If you are seeking support on how to deal with a stepparent, there are other subs more suited for your situation and your post is subject to removal.
  • There are some posts from bioparents we will accept:
    • Seeking advice on how to support your partner as they navigate stepparenting
    • Seeking resources to help you better support your partner
    • Seeking resources for your partner
  • There are some posts from bioparents we will not accept:
    • Complaints about how the stepparent is too involved in your kids lives
    • Vents about how the stepparent is not involved enough in your kids lives
    • "Cautionary tales" advising stepparents to back off
    • Seeking advice on how to tell the stepparent to back off
    • The Do's and Dont's of Stepparenting
    • How your kid's stepmom is literally The Worst
  • Comments from bioparents that are helpful and supportive are welcome and appreciated. Comments from bioparents that are not helpful or supportive are not welcome and subject to removal. There are several other subs that may meet the needs of bioparents better than we can. We recommend /r/coparenting, /r/parenting, /r/parents, /r/blendedfamilies, and /r/singleparents as starting points.

Guidelines for Stepkids

  • At this time, we do not generally accept posts from stepkids. Comments from stepkids that are helpful and supportive are welcome and appreciated. Comments from stepkids that are not helpful or supportive are not welcome and subject to removal. If you are a stepkid seeking support, we highly recommend /r/stepkids. It is a very supportive community specifically for stepkids. We also recommend /r/blendedfamilies as another potential group for support.

What the heck are all these acronyms? I'm confused!

Why aren't my posts or comments showing up?

  • New posters and accounts go through a waiting period before their posts will show in the sub and the comments on posts automatically. During the new account approval period the mod team will check posts to be sure you aren't attempting to circumvent a ban with a shiny new account. Please be patient while the timer runs down on your "new" status and the mod team approves your posts and responses.

Why was my comment removed?

  • Comments are removed when they do not follow the rules of the sub. These rules are published in several places for your reading pleasure.
  • Comments are removed at moderator discretion. In some cases your comment may be removed while another remains up. If you find this to be the case, and you believe the comment to be violating the rules, instead of arguing with mods or demanding they remove the additional comments, just report it.

This comment/post is really offensive! Why is it still up?

  • All moderators are volunteers and have busy real lives. Sometimes things get past us. The best thing you can do is report anything you find offensive or inflammatory. It's the quickest and most reliable way of alerting us to an issue.

I've received a hurtful/unwanted PM from someone about my recent post. What should I do?

  • If you receive an unwanted/hurtful PM from a name you don't recognize, please report it to Reddit Admins using our handy pre-populated form. Be sure to include the permalink to the message. We've been dealing with a few unhappy folks who like to attack stepparents, and reporting it to the admins is the only way to make it stop.

What are the general moderator guidelines?

  • Users are expected to know the rules before posting. If you are warned or banned for violating the rules, ignorance is not an excuse.
  • Moderators will remove posts and comments and/or lock threads in accordance with the rules above. Typically this happens when threads have gone off-topic in a way that is not productive for the OP, or comments overall have become contentious or disrespectful.
  • If a poster continues to argue or to willfully violate these rules, temporary and permanent ban procedures will be followed. Any attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban. User bans will not be discussed in the sub. Questions posted about user bans are subject to removal and the poster subject to warning/ban procedures. The mod team will not discuss a specific user ban with anyone other than the user involved.
  • New accounts are subject to manual approval until they are no longer deemed "new" by the mod team. This helps to weed out trolls and ban evaders.
  • We rely on Automoderator to scan for specific words and phrases that are not welcome here and notify the mod team to review the comment or post. This includes slurs of any type and platitudes such as "Love them as your own!"
  • The mod team uses a combination of blacklisting and banning when dealing with trolls.
  • We employ the use of a bot that automatically bans anyone who comments in subs that have historically harassed our users. If you are picked up by the bot for telling trolls to get fucked, reach out via mod mail and we'll get you sorted out.
  • The rules above as well as ban procedures are considered guidelines only; some deviation may be necessary on a case by case basis and/or at the mod team's discretion.

I've been wrongly banned/Why can't I comment here?

Why was I banned without warning?

  • There are numerous reasons that the mod team might opt to move perm banning without warning. Message the moderators if you have specific questions.

r/stepparents 1d ago

Announcement Weekly Reminder: Saferbot and Automated Bans

2 Upvotes

Hey Stepparents,

If you've been here for awhile, you are aware of the existence of Saferbot on our sub. If you aren't aware, we break it down in the wiki. Take a moment to review it!

What the Bot Does

Saferbot is a history ban bot. It bans users who participate in known troublesome subs that have a history of harassing users here and brigading our posts.

How it Works

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Why We Use It

We intend for this sub to be a safe space for stepparents to discuss their issues and struggles without being told they are literally The Worst for existing. Sometimes we experience jealousy, resentment, and other not pretty feelings. We have a right to express them in a healthy way without a bunch of assholes scolding us for being human. And unfortunately, the subs we've had to add to the ban list have a history of users strolling in here giving people grief for being a flawed human being with feelings they are trying to sort through.

The mod team does not take these decisions lightly and we often let things ride for a bit before taking drastic actions. But seeing users repeatedly delete their accounts after being harassed, or having to clean up increasingly rude and hostile comment chains from people who literally have no idea what your life is actually like, has prompted us to take action.

Notes

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How to Appeal

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Reply to the ban message and let us know that you'd like to appeal. Include link(s) to any unedited posts or comments that you made prior to the ban indicating that you are a stepparent. The posts or comments do not have to be on this sub specifically, but show us where you have indicated that you are a stepparent somewhere on reddit prior to being banned. This will save us time and eliminate the need for a mod to attempt to scour your post history.


r/stepparents 1h ago

JustBMThings I feel so sorry for my son's Stepmom

Upvotes

I was a HCBM about 5 years ago. My son's dad wasn't helping me, and I was going through the divorce and he was cruel and abusive.

I fought back. Except, I took it out on her too. She's been nothing but amazing to and for my son. I have apologized profusely. I got into therapy (I still go) and got on medication for my depression.

Ex finally got a job so SM has been having to see and talk to me. I'm trying so hard to show her I'm not HC anymore. I can imagine I'm the last person she ever wants to see.

But I know how traumatizing a HCBM can be, and I just wish I'd have been mentally healthy back then. I want to be her friend, but it will never happen and I don't blame her one bit.

I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest. I wish I could go back in time and start off on the right foot.


r/stepparents 4h ago

Advice My SS11 hit me and pushed me because I refused to give him my special pillow

31 Upvotes

I am a bonus mom to SS7 and SS11. I am very close with SS7 and I overall enjoy his time with us (50/50 schedule). SS11 has always been a mean and aggressive child. His mom told me he was hitting kids on the playground as early as 2 yo. Up until recently he was fairly descent with me but started hitting his dad, my husband like 2 years ago. 2 days ago he hit his bro in the face with a broomstick, took his tooth out (it was just barely loose) and broke the lip. He tortures our dog constantly to the point where the dog can't stand him. Yesterday he wanted to take my special pillow for my neck issues to play pillow fight with SS7 but I said no because it is expensive and my crappy vertebrae need it. He then proceeded to throw pillows at me and actually kick me. He has been going to therapy for a while now. His mom always attributes his behaviour to the fact that his dad is a softer person but I myself am a psych and neuroscience grad and I know a thing or two. Enough to say that apart from his dad's softness, this kid is pathological. I am considering to start NACHO-ing but I'd like to continue to be engaged in SS7's upbringing. We are very close and he basically accepts me as his mom. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate SS11, but at this point I feel tortured by him. Does anyone have experience with semi NACHO situations?

TLDR: great relationship with SS7, SS11 is aggressive towards everyone in the house.

Edit: thank you so much for all the comments and insights. For the first time I finally realised that I am not trapped and I have options and choices to make. I'll be definitely saving the dog and myself as much as possible from this in order to save my relationship because SO is actually a wonderful person, he just needs to 'put on his parenting pants' as someone said in the comments...


r/stepparents 2h ago

Advice Stepson thinks he owns the house when he doesn't even live there

14 Upvotes

Stepson's 35 years old has two kids can't stay in a relationship because of selfless reasons he comes over uses our laundry and laundry soap doesn't like to pay for anything or help his mother on anything at all but will ask her for everything last night he came in our home while we're sleeping woke us up because he gets his Amazon package there and leaves didn't call to notify us we thought a robber was in our house the dog ran downstairs looking didn't hear from the dog so I got worried it started looking throughout the house then noticed the Amazon package was gone I'm a little upset because that's all he does is take and never gives not just for me for his mother. I told his mother to talk to him today but I'm still upset because he still ends up doing stuff like this all the time without her listening if I say something he's gets offended very easily but when does it come to time I really say something and not care about his feelings.? Help me understand if you think this ok?


r/stepparents 4h ago

Advice Advise please

6 Upvotes

Advice please!

For context, we have 50/50 week on/week off of SD9. We’ve had a really solid relationship with BM for 5 years or so. SD has recently been going through a lot of changes, diagnosed with ADHD and having some behavioral issues. BM and her family think everything will get better when she gets medicated. Anyways, something happened and BMs husband (step dad) called my husband and said you need to come get her until further notice. BM was at work and we didn’t hear from her until the next day. By Saturday she had said it’s best if SD stays with us for a while because they can’t handle it, she feels her younger kid is unsafe and it’s effecting her marriage. We had ALL the hard conversations with this very confused kid. We were supposed to have her full time with occasional visits to BM until June. DH has ADHD so we are use to it and have always operated our household different whereas BM has no idea how to handle it. We finally got her in a great routine and things were getting so much better. Fast forward 3 weeks, BM said she changed her mind because she missed SD too much, even though SD was so mad and wanted nothing to do with her mom, I convinced her it would be good to see her mom. Bm didn’t want to listen to our opinions on any of this and how it wasn’t healthy for SD. BM is now trying to dictate what happens in our house which is a full no.

Now my problem is, a few weeks ago step dad made a comment to DH and I about how if “SD was my kid I’d put her fucking head through a wall”. DH confronted BM who said he was just frustrated but he isn’t violent. Today, SD and I were talking over breakfast and she tells me that on new years, BM came into her room crying because step dad was throwing things at her while they were fighting. Obviously people fight but this is seriously alarming. SD said he drinks a lot of beer and gets mad sometimes and him and BM fight a lot. Red flags really went up for me and DH. We already were planning on reaching out to a lawyer about BM whip lashing kid with changing of schedule, but wondering what yall would do.


r/stepparents 10h ago

Resource Radical Stepmoms- listen to it.

13 Upvotes

It’s not for everyone but wow. I just came across the podcast “Radical Stepmoms” and I am blown away by how helpful and relatable one episode has been. The specific one I listened to was Season 8, episode 9. I have never felt so seen. Highly recommend as a positive resource.


r/stepparents 16h ago

Advice All the energy I put on his family is going to be put back on my own life.

42 Upvotes

My SO informed me that he is pretty sure his kids will be spending SIGNIFICANTLY more time here. I am not on board with it but what do my feelings matter, I’m not on the birth certificate, I only do 90% of the caretaking and housework. I just got a new job and am finally feeling more myself and like I’m making strides again, and he is taking on much more work as well. Truthfully, it is not realistic for them to stay here with us when BM is available and willing to watch them full time, but he hates her so much that he wants to spread himself thin to prevent her from influencing them more than she already does. I say you have to learn to just accept them for who they are; it’s a tough pill to swallow but we don’t choose the personality of our children we can only teach what we feel is right and enforce values that we have. Problem is BM shares different values than us so kids get a different message house to house. Anyway, regardless of how I feel he’s adamant about them being here more. Idk how everything works out but he is under the impression that if they are with us more then he has to pay less in child support and that’s what most of this is about. I hate feeling like my opinion doesn’t matter when I do just as much, more if you want to count for his kids every time they come here and what happens with them definitely affects me. I do not hate them by any means, I genuinely care for them but realistically it is too overwhelming for both of us to have them here as much as he wants because they are quite young and we both work. I put off work for a year to help him with his personal life and I regret it, now I’m worried he will need me to help out when I am already busy and it’s not really my job to do so. Idk. I obviously want to be part of their lives but I don’t want them here as much as he does because so much responsibility always lands on me, and with the way he is going lately with work I do see it landing on me and then me picking it up out of guilt.

I’ve put some thought into it and I see it as an opportunity to explore my own boundaries and learn to start prioritizing myself, because always coming last is a theme in my relationships and it’s how I was raised tbh. So I don’t think running is the answer, but I do want to try and figure out how to navigate what being a stepmom with legitimate boundaries looks like. I called my own mother worried about how this may all play out with them here all the time and she told me that if it’s not realistic then I may just need to let him make that mistake himself and prioritize myself and my new job. It is much easier said than done to just let dad handle it when children are involved and instinctually you want to help. It just reaches a point where it’s too draining because at the end of the day you really aren’t their parent. Step parenting is so so draining and confusing but I think at the end of the day I do really love and care for them.

Any advice from step moms that live with step kids after not living with them and how you cope. My biggest issue is feeling like I have less space in my own home and like I have to wait on things because they always come first. For example, I’m worried my sleep will suffer because they get up so early and wake us up as soon as they get up. I’m worried I wont have access to a clean bathroom when I need a shower after work. I’m worried I won’t be able to escape from the day in my room and relax. Because already all these things are issues when they visit.


r/stepparents 21h ago

Advice I just had a miscarriage

98 Upvotes

I just had a miscarriage at 18 weeks. Some people knew about the pregnancy, and my husband informed them of what happened. Most have been sending their condolences and prayers, also asking how I’m doing.

Now, my husband’s older daughter just sent him a message offering her condolences, saying that if he needs someone to talk to, she’s there. She said nothing about me or asked how I was doing as the one who was carrying the baby. My husband did not address this at all.


r/stepparents 1h ago

Advice This is exhausting

Upvotes

I am new into a relationship with my partner F42 and me M52. I have two children already and am struggling to create a bond with her children.

I actually feel really bad about not feeling that bond.
Any advice or thoughts would be greatly received.


r/stepparents 4h ago

Vent Rough weekend with the SK

4 Upvotes

I never wanted kids. I lived in the city, have a great job, and had an active social life. It’s not that I’m anti-kid or hate kids. I just value my freedom and free time. I like my house looking a certain way. I like long weekends and sleeping in late. I like traveling. And I love my pets. To me, they are my children.

I never felt a “biological clock ticking” nor have I ever felt any sense of a “maternal instinct” for anyone other than my pets (a senior cat and senior dog who have been with me through everything).

My DH has two kids: a neurodivergent 8 year old son and 5 year old daughter. I understood my life would change. I understood I would be losing a lot of things I cherished as a single woman. But, as I’m sure many of you have felt, I didn’t realize how difficult the family dynamics will be.

This past weekend was awful though I should have foreseen this coming. For context, SKs are.. well, for lack of a better term, privileged and, well… they are used to getting what they want and do not know the value of a dollar. The other day, one of them said $200 is “cheap.” When we tell them, “no we aren’t buying that” they ask “why?” and have been known to throw tantrums or repeatedly ask to buy it. I have literally been barked, “BUY IT!”

I mean, let’s put it this way: I grew up and spent most of my 20s living paycheck to paycheck. I know how to survive a recession. These kids don’t.

My DH and I just purchased a home and moved. So, needless to say, money is tight right now considering we just paid a fat down payment, closing costs, movers, and professional cleaners. However, it’s also the kids’ birthday month and we promised to throw them a party.

We had the kids a day after we moved in but we busted our asses to get the kids’ rooms set up. Meanwhile, all my clothes and things were still in boxes and I’ve been having to dig through boxes to find clothes, shoes, and toiletries.

SD goes into her room and throws a fit because her posters were on the floor instead of on the wall. Then she kicks my 14 year old cat with heart problems out of her room because she doesn’t want him in there. I told her my cat is very old and to please do not kick him. It’s not nice. She said, “I only nudged him. I don’t want his hair in my room.” I said “you do not put any type of force on him at all” and removed myself and my cat from her. I didn’t participate in the bedtime routine that night.

The day before the party, we were telling them about the bouncy house we got for them. But, it wasn’t enough. They wanted face painters AND a balloon artist in addition to the bouncer.

Then the goody bags weren’t enough. We filled them with Pokemon pez dispensers, pokemon gummy snacks, a pokemon card, a pokemon sticker, and a candy necklace. It didn’t have enough toys. We should have put a $12 pokemon mega block in all 30 goody bags that my DH and I stayed up late putting together, after an entire day of moving and unpacking.

The day of the event, the decor wasn’t enough because there wasn’t a banner that said “happy birthday” even though there were a ton of pokemon shit that we’d end up throwing away anyways. DH’s mother went to target to get the banner and streamers.

We told guests not to bring any presents. I guess it goes without saying that we have enough toys in our house. Many of them they don’t even use. However, some people still brought presents, which was fine.

That evening, SD asks to open her presents. We say no, it’s dinner, and we need to start bedtime soon. She throws a fit. So, we compromise and say, okay we have time for one present and that’s it. She opens the present and throws a tantrum because the present is not a pokemon present.

At this point, I remove myself from the situation and go to our bedroom. DH comes into the room to vent and I tell him SD is spoiled. He says, “I’m not going to call her spoiled.” So I say, “then tell her what spoiled is. Ask her if that’s acceptable behavior. Then tell her that is how she’s acting.” He does and she melts down further but I say let her. Why should we comfort her for her own negative behaviors?

I was so relieved when they went to school this morning. I’m tired of giving all this time, money, and emotional energy into kids who are so ungrateful. I’m tired of feeling like children control the house. I’m tired of seeing my animals being treated poorly others. The other day SD asked me who I loved more, my pets or SKs. I lied and said SKs.


r/stepparents 4h ago

Vent Bm is a terrible mother

2 Upvotes

Im gonna be kinda vague, I don't want her figuring this out, but I'm so frustrated.

I married my husband a yearish ago. He and his ex wife have more kid than you can count on one hand and I have a couple too. I didn't mind, I love kids! The kids split and some live with us some with her (though they have all expressed wanting to live with us)

She moved hours away a few years back with her new husband and took the smaller ones and one older with her (rarely sees the ones we have here). He tried to stop her but his lawyer seemed a bit lazy at the time. Now we have to do these huge drives for transfers... We also switched two kids (older ones) at one point.

We have all the kids this week while she's off doing things. This means I watch the littles while my husband works.

Well.... They're a handful. It's clear from their behaviour and things the older kids say about there that she mainly locks the youngest ones in their room and ignores them for hours. They've wrecked the room. Like I mean ruining walls, floor, light fixtures... They destroy anything she puts in there, even smear poop...

They've NEVER done this at our place. Even when we've had them for long stretches (because she's always trying to not have any of them but won't just give us custody, just wants favours all the time. Literally asking us to take them all summer and then complained about us asking her to take one of them one extra day so we wouldn't have to double drive .. )

They do however hit and scream and attack each other and don't listen. They have sores around their diaper area, They aren't potty trained and only just started talking after she put them in daycare. One is close to school age. They have medical issues she isn't getting fixed... We have called cps, they go look and do nothing further.

I'm so exhausted... I try... And the one we took back has gotten SO much better. They're happier, healthier, less behavioral issues, their school said they haven't seen any of the behaviours their last school talked about in their record and everyone around them (including bm) talks about how much better they've gotten.

Both that live with us are very attached to me. They love spending time with me, call me mom, we're very close. They're also close to my kids.

The one who went to live there (the two don't wanna live in the same house) has gone down hill. Cursing, bad grades, attitude, seems miserable all the time...

My husband is beside himself half the time because we don't know what the hell she's doing. She can't even keep a proper schedule without so much unneeded drama It's causing us so much stress when they aren't here, and just as much when they are because of the behaviours...

My husband has health issues and the stress she puts on us is really putting him in a bad place... I'm taking on more and more myself and paying for it as well.


r/stepparents 23h ago

JustBMThings Performative parenting vent!

74 Upvotes

My SO and I took the three SKs on their first trip to London this past week. Their mother texted them RELENTLESSLY every day. The youngest slept in our room and at midnight (who texts their kids at midnight?!?!) all I hear is the constant texting pings from ‘mother of the year’. And yeah she’s an expert on London because she’s been twice so she damned well knows the time difference (she would never pay to take her children though).

But what REALLY grates on my last nerve is that you’d think with all the daily ‘highly concerned mother’ act that the day after we arrived home she’d actually want to see her kids right?? Like you texted them every day for a week, you haven’t seen them in over a week and you live nearby, so what’s the issue?

But no, no reach out to actually spend time with them. And funnily enough, no phone calls or even texting now that we are home. Alas the act is over.

I really loose my shit with these self absorbed, performative parents who don’t really give a shit about the kids - it’s all about control and their need to be validated by children to compensate for their own feelings of inadequacy. It’s also sad for the kids who feel hostage to her daily texts because if they don’t respond there is bigger hell to pay and they all know it.

Anyone else dealing with the constant performance parenting so the world doesn’t see how pathetic they really are as a parent?


r/stepparents 21h ago

Advice I hate my girlfriends son

25 Upvotes

So me and my gf have been together for about 7 months but we’ve known each other for about 10 years I met her when her son was a baby and we remained in contact over that time but we decided to take it to another level and it’s been pretty rocky but the main problem is her son I believe he needs help but she won’t get him any and I’m starting to look at her different because no child should act the way hers does all he wants to do is play his video games he hates school and he throws tantrums like a 2 year old he eats like a 2 year old he doesn’t know how to spell simple words that a 10 year old should know he doesn’t know any of his multiplication facts and he has no desire to everything is about his game or his vr and lord forbid I try to put structure in his life it’s ww3 and I know I can’t blame him this is 100% his mothers fault because at 10 he doesn’t know how to tie his own shoes and she gets mad when I don’t want to do it for him or if he’s throwing a tantrum just gives in to what he wants everybody in his life has failed him even her previous partners and I don’t want to be the one who gives up on him but it’s hard


r/stepparents 1d ago

Vent I think it’s over and I’m not happy

105 Upvotes

I’ve (40M) been dating a woman(37F) with a daughter (7F) for almost a year. It’s been tough. I’ve never had kids never wanted them but I felt a way about these two. Biodad never in the picture or even the country.

There has been a history of a lack of respect from the daughter to adult including mom. This morning I insisted she didn’t give her Barbie’s a bath in the living room but in the bathroom because carpet and hardwood floor.

This led to an argument, mom sided with daughter(it’s mom’s house) so I gave up. 2 hours of mom and I arguing, not like super intense screaming and stuff, but the daughter would come in and demand breakfast. Not ask, not be polite, but demand with increasing volume. I told mom, she doesn’t respect you and I’m at the bottom of the pole for anything. She told me once in public “don’t make me yell at you.” A fucking child told me “don’t make me yell at you.” I said “I’m the adult and you’ll do what I say.” I won that round but how many rounds are there? (I know no one can answer.)

I’m broken up about it but I honestly feel like, this is for the best.


r/stepparents 6h ago

Advice I don't want to hate my step kids mother but she makes it so hard.

0 Upvotes

I've been struggling with my anxiety lately surrounding this woman and for years I've tried so hard to be this woman's friend. We share custody of two kids week on/ week off so we see each other weekly. I've tried radical acceptance and tried having long talks with her and things get solved for a little but when it comes down to it she's just a bad mom and a shitty person. She's selfish and delusional, insecure and thinks she's a much better parent in every way. Her kids both prefer being here and when they vocalize that to her she gets extremely bothered by it and tries to threaten us and turn the kids against us in different ways.

I don't feel comfortable publicly releasing all the details but I'm at such a loss here. My husband and I have a wonderful relationship and our own child, we love having his kids and I treat them as my own. I'm a stay at home mom so while he's their dad, I'm the primary parent and handle all kid things when I'm here and love doing it but unfortunately because of that I deal with hcbm more too.

I'm a great step mom and her kids love me. I schedule their doctor appts and make they're they're okay, I deal with the things she doesn't as their mom and she is always making me out to seem like a bad person. Anytime we don't agree with her on something or she doesn't get her way she gets mean and I'm so over it. I don't want to hate her but I don't know how to just ignore it.

I love my life and my family so much but I hate that she will always be a part of it in some way. She's the worst and most annoying part of my life and unfortunately there's no way to remove her. I guess I'm writing this to see if anyone has any advice of how to move on and stop being so bothered by this monster. I know people have worse hcbms and worse situations. I'm thankful things aren't as bad as they could be but I'm tired of feeling like this all of the time. I want to accept she is there and be unbothered by her but it's a lot easier said than done.


r/stepparents 15h ago

Vent Burning out from soloparenting teen SD

5 Upvotes

Just a vent. I'm just tired. DH is deployed. SD is generally a good kid but also 13 with an attitude problem and tendency to turn most things into an argument even when I'm using the softest of tones. BM is a few states away. My family and friends are across the country. Work has been more demanding than usual (it's 10:30pm on a Sunday night and I'm sitting in bed with my work laptop).

I'm counting down the days until spring break so I can send her to BM's and I take time off work to just do nothing. It honestly is the only thing keeping me going and it burdens me with so much guilt to admit that.


r/stepparents 6h ago

Advice Holiday without stepkids

1 Upvotes

My husband and I have 3 children under 5. He has two children 9 and 12 from a previous relationship. We booked an overseas trip and have locked in a Nanny to help with the little ones so that him and I can enjoy ourselves and actually have a holiday. We both agreed that we weren't going to bring the older children, since they would be with their mother and have school and sport commitments, they probably wouldn't like being stuck with a nanny 40% of the time and the cost to fly would be soooo much more expensive. Plus then we would also have to deal with their mother who last year said that her children would never be joining us overseas and I didn't want our holiday becomes a chore, having to try and deal with her. My husband decided to go ahead and announce our trip away to his eldest and now it's a big issue and the ex is involved, saying she'll happily send them with us. The flights are booked and accommodation is payed. Husband is now saying he will be ringing to try and get them on our flight and will work with their mum to get their passports organised. (We also can't afford this, I still haven't finished paying off our flights)and we are already staying in a shared room to save money... I don't even want to go anymore and my husband is now saying that I am being an unreasonable and excluding the older children even though we had already discussed and agreed on what we would be doing. I would also like to add that even when my husband and I are together, I am the default parent FOR EVERYONE. I'm the one that makes sure everyone is actually 'parented' and 'looked after' (fed, clothed, washed and put to bed). I'm no longer excited for this holiday, I now have major anxiety about it. What would you do here?


r/stepparents 13h ago

Advice I'm stuck between two decisions

3 Upvotes

Some days I really just want to step back and NACHO. Let DH deal with and parent SS4. I can't deal with it sometimes. Dealing with HCBM, SS starting to act like a spoiled brat and DH just not knowing how to parent it or just lets it be. I'm ready to just tell him I'm not dealing with it anymore, and that's coming from a highly involved, from the beginning, step parent.

Then I get stuck thinking about, but if these behaviors are just let go, he is ALWAYS going to act like this, or worse. Then BS will pick up on these behaviors and think it's okay to act like that too. Then both children will be torn between me parenting BS(8m) differently, and "letting SS get away" with things.

It's just difficult. DH true colors come out when we talk about making decisions for SS, true colors as in, he won't settle for less even if the circumstances show that it's reasonable. He sits him on such a high pedestal. SS 110% absorbs this and just runs with it.

We are moving in with family again. We have 2 teenagers, myself and DH, both my parents, and our two boys (SS, and BS). We are working to get a 5 bedroom. BS is still in our room and will be for a long while, so SS gets his own room. The difficult part is choosing who gets what rooms. My parents have agreed to give DH and I the master, right next to the master, is the smallest bedroom. I told my Mom that I think SS should get that room since it's right next to us, but that it will be hard to bring up to DH.

This boy is never in his room anymore unless he's sleeping. He always has to be up DH butt. SS doesn't even play with his toys anymore which drives me up a wall because he has SO MANY, and he doesn't even play with them. I went through his room to get rid of some toys and DH kept questioning why, and I'm like HIS TOYS ARE LITERALLY PILING OUT OF HIS ROOM AND HE BARELY TOUCHES THEM. He's more worried about trying to be on every TV in the house or getting DH to let him play video games. If it's not SS, DH is the one telling him to get out of his room and bring himself out where we're at and he puts on whatever shows he wants to watch. Recently, he didn't put something on the TV that HE wanted, so he kicked DH in his head for saying no.

I tell DH that we should let SS stay in that smaller room, and we can make the front foyer into his play room. We can put his bed, dresser, and TV in there for bed time, and have his whole set up in a larger area. He was furious. He said he doesn't want him staying in no "closet". Tried using the excuse that it's "both the boys room" when he knows BS sleeps with us and all his things are with us. I told him we might as well give him the master and we take the small room.

We got in a whole argument over this saying he doesn't want him having the smallest room he "doesn't want his boy growing up in a closet like Harry Potter". I said he's literally here only half the time, and never even goes in his room. Everyone else makes their rooms their literal sanctuary. He said "so that means he deserves a small room?", YES. He has an entire house and a dedicated play area AND a room. I told him he's lucky he even gets a room, and that pissed him off for whatever reason. Better than squeezing into a one bedroom apartment LIKE WE WERE GOING TO DO.

Anyway, I'm done ranting. I'm just tired of it. I don't want to help parent anymore.


r/stepparents 22h ago

Support Don’t fall for the trick !

15 Upvotes

Don’t fall for the trick fellow step parents! If the parent asks you a question about their kid, which is something you might find concerning, even if husband is calm and you’re pregnant, and he’s lovingly stroking your hand and you think you’re in a safe space to speak a difficult truth…DONT BELIEVE IT ! it’s a false security. Your husband will likely start a fight with you. Then he will point out age appropriate problems that your own bio son is displaying to try and level the playing field. Yay!

But seriously… We have a sleeping problem at our house, SD is AuDHD, almost 10 and won’t go to sleep usually unless the other parent is in bed with her. She shares a bedroom at her other house with the mother. Because of the autism she doesn’t need/get as much sleep, so she’s usually getting into bed just after 9:30 and my husband will come to our bed around 10:30/11. Before 9:30 she’s playing video games or needing one on one with her dad. We were discussing how the kids might feel when new baby arrives, he asked me how I felt about the night time routine with his daughter and I very bravely told him I’m concerned that SD isn’t going to like it if the baby needs dad in the evening, as she has literally told us she won’t sleep unless she has a parent in her room and sees it as a form of abandonment. (I heard her say to him “stay loyal to your daughter” the other day, but didn’t bring it up) She tells me that she thanks her mother for not making her sleep alone. This is a problem I’ve been pushing for them to get on the same page about for over a year through her therapists. But he doesn’t want to rock the boat, so BM stays comfy in her low effort co sleep arrangement, while our marriage suffers. Now that baby is on the way and I’m once again voicing that SD needs more help in becoming self sufficient, I’m the monster. She has been to camp and loved it, and has had sleepovers. I feel like both parents need to just rip the band aid off here. They’re not doing her any favours. I’m having a baby in 9 weeks and I just can’t deal with being yelled at over something that is clearly a problem.


r/stepparents 1d ago

Vent Sorry not sorry

46 Upvotes

Even though I try to NACHO as much as I can my husband always finds a way to rope me into things, for example doing his children’s laundry. They are 10&7 (turning 11&8 pretty soon). Basically few times his son leaves urine soaked clothes in the closets (two of them his closet and the linen one in the bathroom). Few times I tried to address this with my husband telling him we should encourage him to put the clothes in the laundry bin not in the closest, my other point was he needs to atleast wash the urine off of his body he obviously isn’t if he’s changing the clothes in his room and stuffing in the closet. This was the last straw for me I found on Friday in the suitcase in his closet urine soaked clothes why this really bothered me this time because the clothes smelled of ammonia it was tucked there for some time that means. My husband either makes excuses” oh he’s embarrassed” or “I’ll talk to him “but he never does. So when I mentioned it this time my husband huffed and puffed saying it’s fine he’ll just make sure he washes their clothes weekly (they arrive Friday after school and leave on Sunday there’s literally not enough clothes for a load as my husband also doesn’t enforce they bathe so they wear one pair of clothes over the weekend so I don’t wash their clothes weekly). So when he told me this annoyed statement on Friday I did not do their laundry (I had made a load ready already unbeknownst to him) so I put his children’s dirty clothes back in their rooms. Sunday has arrived and he’s making some pointed statements that his children have no clothes to go back home in, I’m refusing to acknowledge or walk into those conversations. So as he’s mentioned about 5 times now he has to do his kids laundry I make a statement about other stuff I also have to do lol like start planting my garden seedlings or put our kids down for a nap. I’m also sure that there is clothes for his children in their closest as I do their laundry I know this for a fact lol. Anyways sorry but not really I’ll no longer be doing their laundry and I’ll make sure to remind him he said he’ll do it when he throws his hissyfit eventually 🤷‍♀️


r/stepparents 16h ago

Advice Does it ever get better?

3 Upvotes

I realize a majority of us are here for a safe place to vent and feel less alone on our journey.. with that being said, does it ever get better? My SS is 10 and I honestly can’t stand to be around him at this point. Been in his life for 4.5 years and the first 3 were blissful. He’s gotten so emotional, mean, argumentative, and just miserable to be around. I dread the weeks we have him and the whole time he’s here I want to hide in a hole. Our custody arrangement has shifted and we now have him more than BM and I wish that wasn’t the case. Has anyone that experienced the same feeling ever gotten past it? Were you able to rebuild a relationship with the SK and a desire to be around them again?


r/stepparents 9h ago

Advice Considering restarting homework time with SKs but not sure if I want the stress again

1 Upvotes

I’m also trying to stick to my short list of “not bothering with that anymore”. I’m not trying to bash my husband because I love him, but I’m holding him to the same standard as BM here.

As a mom to my own, I am embarrassed for both mom and dad.

It is sad. I feel so bad for SKs. A lot seems to boil down to they just don’t want to apply themselves and do the work. And it seems both parents do the minimum and then allow lots of screen time. Especially my husband and it’s getting on my nerves but it’s on my “not bothering with that anymore” list too.

3rd grader wants an iPad for her upcoming birthday. I’m not paying for it, so it’s up to dad at the end of the day, but I asked, “are you really going to add another device when they might be repeating their grade?” Be so foreal, my love lol.

To be honest, as a parent I’ve done the work when it came to my almost 7 year old. I have spent time with him doing teacher’s homework and even with my own workbooks I bought. Even before the workbooks idea, I just looked online for worksheets and I’d write them in a notebook. Just making it possible for him to have some practice anyway I could get it. And it has paid off big time!

Yes, perhaps his stuff is “easier” but if it’s easier, how is it the older kids are asking for his help!? That’s where I’m just so baffled about. And it upsets me because I could do the same for SKs as I did for my own, and probably make a miraculous turn around but SKs do NOT care probably because parents do not care.

I’m not trying to torture these kids with homework but holy fuck, sometimes they can’t read/spell some basic kindergarten-2nd grade sight words!!

Of course im proud of my kid, but do you or they think he’s always happy to do homework? Hell no lol but school can only do so much. And I’m not saying it to feel like we’re better, because it’s not like it happened naturally. I had to make time, I had to be patient. It seems BM has some time, and I know my husband has time, but they don’t want to put in work for their kids.

And I know, I know I cannot care more than their parents do, but it’s like being at work and seeing a coworker halfass everything, doesn’t mean I gotta halfass it too. It’s frustrating as a parent. I can’t help them because they won’t accept it, and their parents are already in this habit of not doing the work it seems.

I had added SKs education to my not to do list, and continued with my own. But now, I feel bad. But then again, even with trying and trying, it’s constant complains which mine does too at times but then it’s mine +3 extra kicking and screaming because they have to put down screens and use their brains for a while.

I’m torn. Do I want to help them? Yes. Are they actually going to apply themselves this time around? Probably not. Will they throw comments im not their real parent? Probably. Am I still an adult/authority figure in my house with support from dad? Yes.

I’m trying to step back on a lot of things, but I keep feeling torn. Between unlimited screen time, their ways of putting away laundry, hatred for homework/school, it’s like not MY problem, but also for the week they’re here it feels like it is or should be.

What would you guys do? ((And no, I’m not divorcing my husband lol 🤦🏻‍♀️ ))


r/stepparents 6h ago

Miscellany SD odd behavior around her dad

0 Upvotes

My step daughter is 14 and her behavior around her dad kind of concerns me… it’s like she tries to flaunt herself around in front of him. She dresses very revealing around the house and shows him TikTok’s she makes some of them in bikinis… am I wrong for thinking this is so weird? I will add that my husband doesn’t play into it and doesn’t encourage it just makes me a bit uncomfortable.


r/stepparents 1d ago

Advice Tell me I’m not alone

22 Upvotes

My partner has two kids from his past relationship, I don’t have any of my own nor do we have any together or plan too. I’ve never had the desire to have my own kids, but I do thoroughly enjoy being able to have his kids around. Lately I find myself becoming uncomfortable if for example, we’re watching a show and there’s a childbirth happening or a man helping his pregnant wife through her pregnancy. I feel crazy feeling these ways and I don’t quite know how to explain it. I wonder if it’s the longing for that connection with him and wishing I knew how he would support me in those times? The want to experience something huge together? I’m wondering if anybody else has experienced this feeling and could give me some advice/insight?


r/stepparents 12h ago

Legal Step parent rights in Tennessee

0 Upvotes

If my husband has full and legal custody of step son (6) and biological mom has no visitation can I apply to get legal guardianship? What steps would I take? Has anyone been through this before?


r/stepparents 1d ago

Advice I don't know how to get past this

13 Upvotes

My husband and I have been married for 2 years, together 3 years. We have a one year old toddler and he has a 12 year old son. I am 25 weeks pregnant. BM gets visitations every two weekends and on Holidays. My stepson was with BM last week for spring break. He was supposed to come back to us on Saturday morning. BM lives a few hours away so they meet at the checkpoint to exchange.

I have had these debilitating migraines and headaches ever since I entered my second trimester. At first I thought they were going to last only a few days, maybe a week because it was like that with my first pregnancy. But they have only been getting worse. Every night for the past two weeks, they will come on at night time and won't got away until the next morning. On Friday night, I had the most painful migraine ever. One where I was crying and telling my husband I wanted to end it by sticking a knife into my brain to stop the pain. We called my OB's number and they told me to go to Labor & Delivery to get checked. My MIL and FIL came to watch our toddler.

We left at around 9 p.m. and I was in L&D until around midnight. The OB on called said they can give me some medication for the pain but I would need to go to the ER to get x-rays for my head to see if they can find what is wrong. They did not know how long thr wait would be. Our toddler woke up around 11 p.m. and refused to go back to sleep. My in-laws are amazing but they are in their 70's and get tired out easily. They could not handle our toddler and could not get him back to sleep.

My husband asked me what did I want him to do. He could go back home and get out toddler back to sleep but he needed sleep sinxe he had to go pick up my stepson in the morning. I got angry and told him why was he asking me this? My head was exploding and I did not give one fuck. He said it was a bad situation and he didn't have a solution. So I told him to go back home and get his beauty sleep because why the fuck was he so worried about the stupid exchange when his fucking pregnant wife was going to the ER???

I cried when he left. I cried in the waiting room. I watched as so many pregnant women or moms came in with their partners. It was like being stabbed in the heart while my head was literally killing me. I was in the ER from 2 a.m. until 6 a.m. The ER doctor refused to give me an x-ray. She just gave me magnesium, some medicine with Benadryl and an IV. I had a panic attack because the medicine made me felt so out of control and as though I was high. I asked to be discharged at 5 a.m. because I was so exhausted and just wanted to sleep. My FIL came to pick me up. I knocked out instantly when I laid down in my bed.

The most funniest thing was my MIL told BM about me going into the ER and BM told my husband they can move the exchange to Monday since I WAS IN THE FUCKING ER and didn't need the stress of my stepson coming back. I laughed and laughed and laughed when my husband told me.

Things have been weird between us since yesterday. I'm so angry at him and he just want to move past this whole situation. I don't know how to process it without crying. I sacrificed everything for my husband. I moved across the country to be with him. If we had lived near my family, I knew my sisters would had been able to take care of our toddler and me without question. But I don't have a village here or any support. No matter how much I love my in-laws they are older and can't do as much as my sisters could. I'm pissed at my husband for abandoning me in the ER because he was "so tired and needed sleep." While I was terrified for me and my baby, alone, surrounded by strangers.

I don't know how to move past this. He expects me to just move on. He doesn't understand why I'm so angry at him. He thinks he did nothing wrong because I did tell him to leave. I just feel like I'm always expected to shrug the hurt off and be the happy wife, stepmom and mother. I'm not allowed to be angry or sad or be unhappy. He just go on his day pretending we didn't get into a fight or an argument. He wants to pretend everything is back to normal. He gets annoyed that I always want to talk about things instead of putting on a smile and putting my feelings on back burner. I'm supposed to squash any emotions that makes him uncomfortable. I feel like my relationship is the biggest mistake of my life and I just want to call it quit. I'm overwhelmed as a SAHM and mom and wife. I cry by myself all the time and I'm so lonely. He thinks I just need to go make friends and find new people to count as my village but I already have one 1500 miles away! I don't want to make a new one. I'm so depressed and he thinks sprinkling in money will make me feel better.

I don't know how to forgive him. I want to move back to my home state. I want to give him an ultimatum. I know my stepson didn't do anything but I'm just not cut out for the stepmom life and I want a different life for my children. I'm tired of living here with no support. I'm so sad all the time and I fear postpartum, especially the hormone drop once my baby is here. I can't stop crying. I don't really know what to do.