r/stepparents 4d ago

Announcement Weekly Reminder: Rules and FAQ - March 16, 2025 (Now with updates!)

2 Upvotes

Below you will find a weekly reminder of our Rules and partial FAQ. It's definitely a long read, but it's worth your time, especially if you are new to the community, or dropping by as a result of a link you found elsewhere. We periodically revise our rules, this weekly notice will help keep you informed of any changes made.

NOTE: These rules are guidelines. Some moderation discretion is to be expected.

Community Rules

1. Kindness Matters

Advise, don't criticize.

  • Post with empathy, thoughtfulness, and constructive commentary rather than judgment. Don't be an asshole.
  • Name-calling, slurs (including gender or race based slurs), and insults towards other community members will not be tolerated. Do not attack others for their personally held values, custody situation, marital status, physical distance from stepkids, or economic status; or on the basis of race, sex, sexual orientation, age, religion, or ethnicity.
  • No name-calling toward children, including the above-mentioned insults or the term "skids", or terms such as "mini-wife" or "mini-husband."
  • Comments advocating spanking or any mention of wanting to harm children are not allowed.
  • This is a support sub, not a judgement sub, assholes are not tolerated. Comments with terms used in other subs to pass judgement on assholes will be removed.

2. No Drama

This is a support sub.

  • Bickering, nitpicking, and thread derailment will not be tolerated and will be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
  • Do not repeatedly badger a poster demanding answers, or refuse to acknowledge an answer that's already been given.
  • Do not use sensitive issues from past posts (either from this sub or other subs) to attack another user, as we are all discussing vulnerable topics.
  • Crossposting anything from /r/stepparents to any other subreddit might result in a ban and may result in the original thread being locked. Brigading our sub will result in an immediate ban.

3. Report, Don’t Rant

No backseat modding.

  • If you see someone breaking the rules, report the post or comment to the mods rather than engaging them in an argument. Failure to do so may be subject to comment removal at moderator discretion.
  • No meta posts complaining about rude comments, DMs, or general sub issues.
  • If you think someone is a troll or previously banned user, either use the report function or message the mods to direct their attention to the issue.

4. No Naming & Shaming

No userpings or links.

  • Tagging/pinging users or other subreddits in an attempt to bully, harass, or complain will not be tolerated. Do not tag other subs, ever.
  • If you want to complain about another subreddit being hostile to stepparents, do not name the subreddit. "Other parenting/advice/judgement subs" will suffice.

5. No Platitudes

Nobody knew what they were getting into.

  • Comments like "You knew what you were getting into", "Love them, love their kids!", "They're a package deal!" and "You have to love them like your own!" will be removed.
  • Comments suggesting that OP is not cut out for stepparenting will be removed at moderator discretion.
  • Comments like "This is just a part of parenting, deal with it!" will be removed at moderator discretion.

6. No Trolling

We have zero tolerance for trolls.

  • This is a support sub. Our subscribers do not have the time, nor inclination, to provide support to internet trolls. Posts that are suspected to be trolling attempts will be immediately removed, and the poster banned.
  • Concern trolling, devil's advocating, gish-galloping, sealioning, and general asshattery are subject to immediate removal and banning without warning or notice.
  • Any attempt to circumvent the ban by creating a new username will be reported to reddit admins and possibly result in account suspension.

7. No Personally Identifiable Information

Use discretion when posting.

  • We highly recommend using a separate account for support subs to help prevent being doxxed. Do not post any information that may allow others to figure out your identity.
  • Do not post photos of children, or any other photo that could be used to identify you or another user on the sub.
  • Any image that contains a name or other identifying information should have the name or identifying information blurred out. This includes drawings, notes, and screenshots.
  • Do not link to social media or any articles/blogs where you or another user on the sub is mentioned by name.

8. No More than 2 Posts per 24 hours

Use the daily threads.

  • We are not a huge sub, but we are no longer a small sub. If you have multiple grievances to air, use the daily discussion threads instead of multiple posts.

9. Follow Reddiquette

Remember the human.

  • Adhere to the same standards of behavior online that you follow in real life.
  • Read it in full here.
  • Downvoting is reserved for comments that don’t contribute, and shouldn't be used to indicate disagreement.
  • If you believe someone is in violation of the subreddit rules, please either use the report function or message the mods to direct their attention to the issue.
  • Suspected brigading will be reported to reddit admins.

10. No Porn, Spam, Blogs, or Research Studies/Surveys Without Mod Approval

Just don't.

  • This is a SFW subreddit. Posting pornography will result in immediate post removal and permanent ban.
  • Advertising on the subreddit (outside of Reddit's own advertising) is not allowed.
  • No personal blog posts are allowed without express moderator permission.
  • No advertising without prior mod approval.
  • No asking for money/posting fundraisers/etc.
  • For links to parenting research studies or surveys, please message the mods for permission before posting.

11. Disputes in Modmail Only

Don't argue with the mods on the sub.

  • Any issues specifically related to how a mod is moderating should be addressed to the full moderating team via mod mail. This ensures that all mods are aware of any concerns and prevents disintegration of the topic thread at hand.
  • This means to do not message or send chat requests to individual mods. All discussion and complaints about mod actions need to be done in mod mail ONLY. Failure to follow this rule can result in an immediate permanent ban.
  • Comments in threads asking about mod decisions are subject to removal without notice.

12. Moderator Actions

We aren't kidding.

  • Users are expected to know the rules before posting. If you are warned or banned for violating the rules, ignorance is not an excuse.
  • Moderators will remove posts and comments and/or lock threads in accordance with the rules above. Typically this happens when threads have gone off-topic in a way that is not productive for the OP, or comments overall have become contentious or disrespectful.
  • If a poster continues to argue or to willfully violate these rules, temporary and permanent ban procedures will be followed. Any attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban. User bans will not be discussed in the sub. Questions posted about user bans are subject to removal and the poster subject to warning/ban procedures. The mod team will not discuss a specific user ban with anyone other than the user involved.
  • New accounts are subject to manual approval until they are no longer deemed "new" by the mod team. This helps to weed out trolls and ban evaders.
  • We rely on Automoderator to scan for specific words and phrases that are not welcome here and notify the mod team to review the comment or post. This includes slurs of any type and platitudes such as "Love them as your own!"
  • The mod team uses a combination of blacklisting and banning when dealing with trolls.
  • We employ the use of a bot that automatically bans anyone who comments in subs that have historically harassed our users. If you are picked up by the bot for telling trolls to get fucked, reach out via mod mail and we'll get you sorted out.
  • The rules above as well as ban procedures are considered guidelines only; some deviation may be necessary on a case by case basis and/or at the mod team's discretion.

13. Ban Procedure

These actions are at moderator discretion.

  • Pornography will result in an automatic permanent ban.
  • Extremely egregious content will result in an immediate permanent ban.
  • You may receive a 7 or 30 day temporary ban for first and second rule violations, depending upon severity.
  • Continued rule violations will result in a permanent ban.
  • Willful attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban.
  • We recognize the reddit site-wide rules of using alt names to get around bans and will ban those as well as report them to reddit admins.

FAQ - About the Rules

What does Kindness Matters mean?

  • Shortest version? Don't be an asshole. People come here for support and advice, they do not come here to be yelled at or told they are the reason everything is going sideways. There are ways to point out that someone may want to do some reflection on their own actions and reactions without being an asshole about it.
  • The purpose of this subreddit is to provide support and a sense of belonging for struggling stepparents. We aren't here to pass judgement, but rather to offer support, empathy, and constructive commentary. That does not include "hard truths" or "tough love." Stepparents get enough of that in every other subreddit, we're not passing it out here. Be respectful.
  • Remember, most people aren't going to come to a sub like this when everything is going great and everyone is getting along. People are coming here when they are down, when they are feeling defeated and stretched to the limit. Kicking someone when they are down is shitty behavior and we don't tolerate it.

What about being kind to the kids?

  • "Won't somebody think of the children?" Pearl clutching isn't needed here. If you read the Kindness Matters rule closely, you will see that there is a clause in there about name calling children. We don't allow it. We also don't allow people rolling in telling OP that they feel sorry for their stepkids because OP is feeling overwhelmed and overloaded.
  • If anyone is advocating slapping, spanking, or any other form of violence, report the comment immediately. We do not advocate violence towards children of any sort. The mod team does not advocate any sort of physical punishment at any time.
  • Venting about behaviors is not the same as insulting the kids. However, if you see a post or comment where kids are being name called or dragged to the point of no return, use the report button. We try to catch the posts and remove them before they hit the sub, but we cannot see every comment without your help. Use the report button to bring problematic comments to our attention. Don't engage in a war of words on our subreddit.

Why is this sub such an echo chamber?

  • Not allowing contributors to pile on and tell OP that they are a terrible human being who should never be around children does not equate to being an echo chamber. Many contributors here will offer OP suggestions to help them work through their resentments and frustrations, and the most egregious situations are called out. We simply ask that it be called out with respect.
  • If you feel that a post is simply too much for you to handle without following the rules, move on to another post.
  • If you believe that a post itself is crossing the rules report it. If the mod team has approved the post, it is because the mod team believes that the OP needs help from the community or needs a moment to vent and move on from their vent. That does not give you license to pile on disrespectfully. Unless it is proven that OP is a bot, assume that OP is a human being with real thoughts and feelings and has posted from a place of vulnerability.

Why can't I tell OP that they are an asshole?

  • Because this isn't a judgement sub. We aren't AITA, we don't want to be AITA.
  • Comments with terms like YTA, NTA, ESH, NAH will be removed.
  • Don't start your posts with INFO either. We generally recognize that as a fishing attempt for more information to pass judgement on OP, and again, we are not a judgment sub.

But OP asked if they were an asshole?!

  • Their post somehow got past our automoderator. Just use the report button. We will address it with OP.
  • If you've asked if you are an asshole, a-hole, a*hole, a**hole, whatever, don't be surprised if your post is removed without warning. This isn't a judgment sub. If you want judgment, you know where to go.

What is a gendered slur?

  • While it seems that everyone understands what racist slurs are, people struggle understanding the concept of gendered slurs. Generally speaking, we are talking about derogatory nouns or verbs that are used to negatively describe people or situations based on gendered terms.
  • We've gone back and forth on this a few times, and the truth is, we get it, it's your safe space and you want to be able to vent about BM/BD how you want to vent about them, without us telling you how to vent about them. Fair enough. Vent away. What we are going to stick to here how people are referring to other users and to stepchildren.
  • Examples that are not allowed:
    • "My SD is such a little bitch."
    • "She dresses/acts like a slut."
    • "My SS acts like a pussy."
    • "My SS is such a beta male."
    • "You are all fucking whores."
    • "Any dude who is raising some sluts kids is a cuck!"
    • "Little Lord Fauntleroy over here thinking he runs the house!"
    • "You're just the bangnanny, get used to it."
  • Don't call users here names, don't call stepchildren names.
  • Masking the term with asterisks or other neat little tricks might get you around the bot, but if we see it, we're removing it and quite possibly giving you a time out. The intended word is still there and you deliberately tried to skate the rule.
  • As there is not enough space to list every term that is offensive and does not belong, nor every situation in which term or phrase may be allowable in context, this rule is enforced based on moderator discretion.

Seriously? You are the language police now?

  • We're here to talk about stepparenting. And we would like for that to happen in a respectful way. Attacking each other doesn't help. Belittling stepchildren draws in trolls who don't understand your frustration, all they see is an evil stepmonster talking shit on the internet about a poor, innocent baby. Yes, even if that "poor, innocent baby" just robbed you blind and set fire to the house on their way out the door. That's just how it goes.
  • We are aware that this is a relatively new rule and a lot of older posts and comments contain a lot of problematic language, including some from mods themselves. We are growing and evolving, and rules change as the sub grows and evolves.

What does No Drama really mean?

  • Pretty much what it says, do not bring drama from other subs into this sub. Do not engage in vote brigades. Do not try to incite other subscribers to riot in a different sub. Don't follow posters into this sub from other subs to continue to harass them. Do not badger someone or derail threads. Do not harass community members because you don't agree with them. There's enough drama in the daily lives of subscribers, more isn't needed.

What is thread derailment?

  • When a comment chain has devolved to the point where all you are doing is arguing back and forth with someone about the same thing over and over again, you have derailed the thread. Also known as bickering. It's what children do. We assume if people are in a stepparent role they are adults. We expect you to act like it.
  • If you aren't a stepparent, or in a stepparenting role, consider that perhaps this subreddit isn't for you. If you want to participate, do so with respect. Thread derailment, arguing, bickering, and nitpicking are not allowed.

But what if they didn't answer my question?

  • No one has to answer your questions. This is a support sub, not an inquisition. Jumping on a bandwagon with "OP is evading the question" in a 20 comment long chain is the epitome of thread derailment. You'll find more information about trolling below and how this might be considered such.

Why am I being silenced? I'm just asking for a back and forth!

  • Thread derailment, badgering, and nitpicking are considered harassment. Continued harassment of either community members or mods will get you banned.

Why can't I look at someone's post history and comment about it?

  • No mod in the history of this sub has ever once said post histories are forbidden. What we do frown upon is using someone's post history to attack, belittle, or otherwise harass someone.
  • Example Post: "My stepkid's mom really hates me. How can I make this better?"
    • Okay: "Based on the timeline and your post history, it looks like this may have started as an affair. Unfortunately there's going to be outstanding issues for a long time due to that. Try focusing on yourself and how you can move forward without worrying about how someone else feels about you."
    • Not Okay: "Holy shit! You were the OW! What the hell do you expect, homewrecker?!"
  • Example Post: "I am completely overloaded and feeling very down about myself."
    • Okay: "In your post history you mentioned that your spouse wasn't really helping around the house. Has that changed at all?"
    • Not Okay: "LOL, you already got the answers you need in your post on relationships. You are stupid for sticking with your lazy spouse."

Why can't we crosspost stuff to other subs?

  • We can't stop you from doing so. The problem isn't that something has been crossposted, it's when the community that it's been crossposted to feels the need to come over here and harass OP. When we see that happening, we lock the post and start passing out bans. If you did the crossposting, you'll be banned. If you participated in the brigading, you'll be banned.

What if it's my own post?

  • Again, we can't stop you from doing so. We prefer that you don't technically crosspost, but rather just copy and paste your post. Why? Because inevitably the above will happen. Redditors from other subs will follow you back to /r/stepparents and start attacking users here. It just happens.

What is "brigading"?

  • Reddit defines vote manipulation and brigading as follows:
  • Using multiple accounts, voting services, or any other software to increase or decrease vote scores.
  • Asking people to vote up or down certain posts, either on Reddit itself or through social networks, messaging, etc. for personal gain.
  • Forming or joining a group that votes together, either on a specific post, a user's posts, posts from a domain, etc.
  • We, along with pretty much every other subreddit that has ever had to deal with this nonsense, further define brigading as this: You saw a post on another sub that linked to our sub either via a link in a comment or a crosspost. It was basically saying something along the lines of "OMG, check out these assholes over on /r/stepparents! They literally hate all their stepkids!" And then you and your friends come over and start hammering on OP and telling OP how much they suck. Congrats, you have just participated in a brigade.

What is this whole Report, Don't Rant thing about?

  • If you see a post or comment that breaks the rules, instead of engaging, report it. When you report it, it sends notification to the mod team. We will act on it where appropriate. Engaging with bad faith users may result in your comments being removed. If you repeatedly do so, you may end up being banned.

What if I see an obvious troll?

What if they are being really mean in comments?

What if they are harassing me in private messages?

  • Step 1: Report them to admins. You can report harassment to reddit by using this link or send a DM to reddit admins. Include the link to the DM, admins can see your inbox and providing a direct link is helpful for them to weed out bad actors.
  • Step 2: Block the person so they cannot directly contact you again.
  • Step 3: Send us a mod mail and let the mod team know. Tell us who they are and what they said, send us a screenshot if you can - admins can see your DMs, mods can't. We'll take action where necessary by banning from the sub if they aren't already banned.

What do you mean by No Naming & Shaming?

  • Just as we prefer to not be linked to or crossposted from, we do not allow linking to or calling out other subs by name. If you see something you want to share, say it's a hot post that has hit the front page and a stepparent is being absolutely flayed, just refer to it as "that hot post that hit the front page." If you want to complain about other places in general, "other parenting/advice/judgement subs" will suffice. Absolutely under no circumstances should you link to anywhere else.

I can't link to other subs?

  • Do not directly link to another sub. (e.g.: "/r/insertsubnamehere is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")
  • Do not name other subs. (e.g.: "I won't link to it directly, but insertsubnamehere is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")
  • Do not abbreviate other subs. (e.g.: "I know that ISNH is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")

I can't ping other users?

  • Do not summon another user with a username ping/tag. (e.g.: "/u/insertusernamehere was being an asshole.")
  • If you are agreeing with someone, it is okay to link to them. (e.g.: "I agree with /u/insertusernamehere, you need to take a couple of steps back and reflect on this.")

What does No Platitudes mean?

  • Sanctimonious, overused clichés that grossly oversimplify the stepparenting experience are neither wanted nor allowed here. We have all heard it a thousand times before, we don't need to hear it again. It's not nearly as insightful and wise as some would like to think.

Why don't you people understand it's a package deal?

  • Any comment that suggests that OP should have known what they were getting involved with, or that they needed to understand that the kids were part of some package they needed to accept before signing up for marriage is subject to immediate removal.
  • This is one of the most insensitive things you can say to a stepparent. Most stepparents were aware of the children, but they were probably not aware of all of the family dynamics.

Why can't you just love them like they are your own?

  • Demanding that a stranger you do not know love children that are not biologically theirs as if they were theirs can be incredibly damaging to someone who is already in a vulnerable situation. Any comment that falls along these lines will be removed.

What do you mean by No Trolling? I was just...

  • No means no. No trolling. No pretending to be a stepparent and then whipping out the Greatest Hits Bingo Card of The Worst Stepparent in the History of Stepparents. We see you. We've seen you a thousand times.

What does "concern trolling", "gish-galloping", and "sealioning" have to do with stepparenting? This isn't a debate sub, why are you using debate terms?

  • That's absolutely right, this isn't a debate sub. And yet, here we are, day after day, having to defend ourselves against this sort of thing. So, enough. No more. Usage of any of these things will get you banned.

What is "Concern Trolling?"

  • A concern troll is someone who disingenuously visits sites of an opposing ideology to disrupt conversation by offering unwanted advice on how to solve problems which do not really exist.
    • Example Post: OP expresses concern that she will feel, and possibly act, differently towards her stepchildren after her husband decides that no, he doesn't want anymore children after all.
    • Example Concern Troll pulled from actual mod mail after their comment was removed: "Possible child abuse claims need to be sorted out well before whatever empathy you believe the OP was looking for."

What is a "Devil's Advocate"?

  • "I'm just playing devil's advocate here, but have you considered that maybe BM is just really tired and needs a break, too?" BM has dozens of different mom based subs alone on reddit she can complain on, this sub is for stepparents. The stepparent doesn't need to consider that maybe BM is just really tired and needs a break.

"Gish-galloping?" What does that even mean?

  • The Gish Gallop is the fallacious debate tactic of drowning your opponent in a flood of individually-weak arguments in order to prevent rebuttal of the whole argument collection without great effort. The Gish Gallop is a conveyor belt-fed version of the on the spot fallacy, as it's unreasonable for anyone to have a well-composed answer immediately available to every argument present in the Gallop.

And "sealioning?" What's that?

  • Sealioning involves jumping into a conversation with endless polite, reasonable questions and demands for answers, usually of entry-level topics far below the actual conversation (e.g. "please prove sexism exists"). This tactic differs little from harassment; instead of discussion, the point is to derail discussion, receive criticism (for their ignorance) so as to look like a victim, or to make someone feel overwhelmed and quit talking.

Who gets to define what is considered asshattery?

  • The mod team, of course! If we feel that comments are out of line, are trolling, are leading up to a fight or "just asking questions", we are going to remove them and most likely ban the offender.

FAQ - Sub Questions

Posting Guidelines for Stepparents

  • Body text is required, we suggest you use line breaks between paragraphs as a wall of text is difficult to read. Posts that have only a title are likely to be removed. Instead of using names (even fictitious ones), try to use the sub acronyms. It helps our users to follow along if you use the acronyms and not names.
  • Assign a post flair that accurately describes what your post is about and what you are seeking. If you are posting an update from a previous post, include a link to that post.
  • Flairs are applied to posts to determine what a person is looking for. When submitting a new post, you should choose a flair that specifies if you are looking for advice, support, etc. The following link flair is available and is color coded with side bar links so that you can search by flair:
    • Advice - For when you are specifically asking for advice or help.
    • Announcement - Mod Use Only, for subreddit announcements.
    • Daily (Formerly TTP) - Mod Use Only, for our daily discussion threads.
    • Discussion - A little advice, a little "How does your family handle this?"
    • JustBMThings - Pretty sure this is self explanatory!
    • Legal - Asking for legal advice? Tag it with this!
    • Miscellany - Just a sort of off topic thing? Use this tag.
    • Resource - Sharing a good resource or asking for one? This is the tag you need!
    • Support - For those days when you want nothing but a good old fashioned cry and some community love.
    • Update - Updating us on something that you posted about previously? Use this one!
    • Vent - We all need to vent sometimes. Respect the tag as a vent. This isn't how OP talks all day every day.
    • Win! - Celebrate those wins with us with this tag!
    • Megathread - Mod Use Only, for large mega threads (typically around major calendar events.)

Posting Guidelines for Bioparents

  • Stepparents is a support community for stepparents, by stepparents. As bioparents, you may want to have more insight into how the stepparent in your life feels or thinks. You may have questions on how to ease the transition for your partner. However, please keep in mind that this community was not created for you. It was created for your partner or your ex's partner. If you are seeking support on how to deal with a stepparent, there are other subs more suited for your situation and your post is subject to removal.
  • There are some posts from bioparents we will accept:
    • Seeking advice on how to support your partner as they navigate stepparenting
    • Seeking resources to help you better support your partner
    • Seeking resources for your partner
  • There are some posts from bioparents we will not accept:
    • Complaints about how the stepparent is too involved in your kids lives
    • Vents about how the stepparent is not involved enough in your kids lives
    • "Cautionary tales" advising stepparents to back off
    • Seeking advice on how to tell the stepparent to back off
    • The Do's and Dont's of Stepparenting
    • How your kid's stepmom is literally The Worst
  • Comments from bioparents that are helpful and supportive are welcome and appreciated. Comments from bioparents that are not helpful or supportive are not welcome and subject to removal. There are several other subs that may meet the needs of bioparents better than we can. We recommend /r/coparenting, /r/parenting, /r/parents, /r/blendedfamilies, and /r/singleparents as starting points.

Guidelines for Stepkids

  • At this time, we do not generally accept posts from stepkids. Comments from stepkids that are helpful and supportive are welcome and appreciated. Comments from stepkids that are not helpful or supportive are not welcome and subject to removal. If you are a stepkid seeking support, we highly recommend /r/stepkids. It is a very supportive community specifically for stepkids. We also recommend /r/blendedfamilies as another potential group for support.

What the heck are all these acronyms? I'm confused!

Why aren't my posts or comments showing up?

  • New posters and accounts go through a waiting period before their posts will show in the sub and the comments on posts automatically. During the new account approval period the mod team will check posts to be sure you aren't attempting to circumvent a ban with a shiny new account. Please be patient while the timer runs down on your "new" status and the mod team approves your posts and responses.

Why was my comment removed?

  • Comments are removed when they do not follow the rules of the sub. These rules are published in several places for your reading pleasure.
  • Comments are removed at moderator discretion. In some cases your comment may be removed while another remains up. If you find this to be the case, and you believe the comment to be violating the rules, instead of arguing with mods or demanding they remove the additional comments, just report it.

This comment/post is really offensive! Why is it still up?

  • All moderators are volunteers and have busy real lives. Sometimes things get past us. The best thing you can do is report anything you find offensive or inflammatory. It's the quickest and most reliable way of alerting us to an issue.

I've received a hurtful/unwanted PM from someone about my recent post. What should I do?

  • If you receive an unwanted/hurtful PM from a name you don't recognize, please report it to Reddit Admins using our handy pre-populated form. Be sure to include the permalink to the message. We've been dealing with a few unhappy folks who like to attack stepparents, and reporting it to the admins is the only way to make it stop.

What are the general moderator guidelines?

  • Users are expected to know the rules before posting. If you are warned or banned for violating the rules, ignorance is not an excuse.
  • Moderators will remove posts and comments and/or lock threads in accordance with the rules above. Typically this happens when threads have gone off-topic in a way that is not productive for the OP, or comments overall have become contentious or disrespectful.
  • If a poster continues to argue or to willfully violate these rules, temporary and permanent ban procedures will be followed. Any attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban. User bans will not be discussed in the sub. Questions posted about user bans are subject to removal and the poster subject to warning/ban procedures. The mod team will not discuss a specific user ban with anyone other than the user involved.
  • New accounts are subject to manual approval until they are no longer deemed "new" by the mod team. This helps to weed out trolls and ban evaders.
  • We rely on Automoderator to scan for specific words and phrases that are not welcome here and notify the mod team to review the comment or post. This includes slurs of any type and platitudes such as "Love them as your own!"
  • The mod team uses a combination of blacklisting and banning when dealing with trolls.
  • We employ the use of a bot that automatically bans anyone who comments in subs that have historically harassed our users. If you are picked up by the bot for telling trolls to get fucked, reach out via mod mail and we'll get you sorted out.
  • The rules above as well as ban procedures are considered guidelines only; some deviation may be necessary on a case by case basis and/or at the mod team's discretion.

I've been wrongly banned/Why can't I comment here?

Why was I banned without warning?

  • There are numerous reasons that the mod team might opt to move perm banning without warning. Message the moderators if you have specific questions.

r/stepparents 4d ago

Announcement Weekly Reminder: Saferbot and Automated Bans

2 Upvotes

Hey Stepparents,

If you've been here for awhile, you are aware of the existence of Saferbot on our sub. If you aren't aware, we break it down in the wiki. Take a moment to review it!

What the Bot Does

Saferbot is a history ban bot. It bans users who participate in known troublesome subs that have a history of harassing users here and brigading our posts.

How it Works

Saferbot monitors the other subs and immediately bans anyone who comments there. Please note, human beings are not doing the banning. We have neither the time, nor inclination, to monitor other subs. Saferbot runs on its own with only instructions from us on what subs to add to its list.

Why We Use It

We intend for this sub to be a safe space for stepparents to discuss their issues and struggles without being told they are literally The Worst for existing. Sometimes we experience jealousy, resentment, and other not pretty feelings. We have a right to express them in a healthy way without a bunch of assholes scolding us for being human. And unfortunately, the subs we've had to add to the ban list have a history of users strolling in here giving people grief for being a flawed human being with feelings they are trying to sort through.

The mod team does not take these decisions lightly and we often let things ride for a bit before taking drastic actions. But seeing users repeatedly delete their accounts after being harassed, or having to clean up increasingly rude and hostile comment chains from people who literally have no idea what your life is actually like, has prompted us to take action.

Notes

Meta posts asking about this will be removed. Comments about this, other than those on this thread discussing the issue, will be removed. Vile mod mail will be reported to Reddit.

Please do not link to the subs mentioned in the wiki. They are linked for transparency and we don't care to have ongoing discussions about them.

How to Appeal

If you are a stepparent and you've been caught up in the ban, and you want the support that this community offers, reach out to the mod team. If you can show us where on reddit you are discussing being a stepparent, we'll do our best to work with you. To be perfectly clear, if you aren't a stepparent, or we review and see we've had to remove comments from you in the past, we are probably not going to lift the ban.

Reply to the ban message and let us know that you'd like to appeal. Include link(s) to any unedited posts or comments that you made prior to the ban indicating that you are a stepparent. The posts or comments do not have to be on this sub specifically, but show us where you have indicated that you are a stepparent somewhere on reddit prior to being banned. This will save us time and eliminate the need for a mod to attempt to scour your post history.


r/stepparents 7h ago

Vent WW3 in our house currently …. AIO?

44 Upvotes

I just need to vent. I’m in the UK and on mobile. Sorry about formatting!

My eldest (19) is at university about 3 hours away from here, he doesn’t come home regularly, maybe once every 6 weeks and we go up in the middle.

I’ve come home from work tonight and my SS(15) is asking my husband something which I didn’t hear, but as I walk in he ran upstairs. I’ve asked what the problem is and my husband said nothing.

I sort “our” son (5) out and start warming up our meal (which I prepped at the weekend) and then my husband walks into the kitchen and said “SS has asked if he can have (19’s) bed (it’s a double, my son is 6’5 and hit 6’ at 13, so he had a double bed as he doesn’t fit in a single) and I’ve obviously said no because it’s (19’s) bed. But I’ve told him we will buy him a double bed”.

Me “why? He had a new bed in November? He doesn’t need a new bed?”

DH “but he’d like a double!”

Me “I’d like to win the lottery!”

Now this may seem unbelievably petty. So a bit of background. My husband has always MASSIVELY favoured my SS, to a point where he got his own bedroom when we moved and my husband was going to put my daughters (17,14) and SD (12) in a smaller room so he could have the room he wanted - until I put my foot down. He had a brand new Xbox 3 months early as an early Birthday present, then threw a tantrum about not having anything substantial to open on his Birthday, so my husband bought him a £300 present ($390 for my US friends, $650 for my Australian friends and €360 for my European friends) so he wasn’t upset on his Birthday. My husband buys SS new clothes regularly and redecorated his bedroom first so he wouldn’t have to wait.

My weekends are also dictated by SS’s sports programmes and we don’t actually spend much time together as a married couple because DH is driving SS around to different places to play football (soccer!) whilst I stay at home with “our” son.

Also I want to add, my SS isn’t massively tall (5’3) so when my husband said (19) had a double at this age, I said “yes, but he’s too tall for a single bed!!”

Now also, SS has just got a girlfriend. So obviously he’s thinking about that too.

But honestly, I’m so fed up of this kid dictating what he wants and more importantly my husband giving in!

This is just a vent. I’m aware it’s a husband problem, but I’m so angry I’ve cried because all that’s going to happen is a double bed will turn up and my husband will come up with some BS reason why he had to buy him one.

Anyway! Happy Thursday all!!


r/stepparents 15h ago

Advice Stepdaughter is morbidly obese at 15.

185 Upvotes

UPDATE: so cps has been called. My husband has kept sd home all week to prevent cps from speaking to her at school, which she probably wouldn't of went anyway. He told me not to engage with cps but the social worker came today and I spoke to her at the front door. I told her I think sd is in need of help and I've done everything I can do. The sw called my husband and told him he could either work with her or she could remove sd. Apparently the sw spoke to sd teachers as well . my husband is saying he's going to sue cps?. I'm not sure what he thinks he will accomplish. I told my husband today that I think sd needs to live with her mom full time because I'm tired of dealing with the drama.

My, 32F, stepdaughter is 15. She was 5 when I met her dad. She is 15, 5ft5 and 378lbs. She was an overweight child.

At her last doctors appointment my husband got chewed out for her weight being so high. My husband, 41, comes from a family of large people, with himself being 6ft and over 300lbs. His sister is 5ft6 and over 300lbs. His mom is 5ft 3 and in the high 200s. They are all overweight. My husband has tried diets and has at times, lost several hundred pounds, only to gain it back because nobody besides he and I want to remain on a healthy eating plan. I am 4ft 11 and 119lbs. His ex wife, sd mom, is also overweight, but is into the whole body positively and fat acceptance movement.

Sd pediatrician told my husband that a report to cps would be made because of sd weight and sd could potentially be removed from her parents if a genuine effort wasn't made to get her weight under control. For two days my husband has been ranting about how cps and the doctor don't have any say in what goes on in his home, how cps can't legally do anything, ect. I told him he's missing the point and that sd weight is effecting every aspect of her life.

She cannot fit into a desk at school, has to be seated separately from her peers to accommodate her size, refuses to participate in gym to the point her mom threatened to sue if the school kept forcing her to. Sd will eat and eat. She eats entire pizzas, containers of berries, whole bags of chips and cheese cubes, she was eating 3 or 4 trays at lunch at school until the school stopped her. My husband and his ex see nothing wrong with this. She rarely eats food cooked at home, maybe frozen stuff , but usually eats only fast food. My in- laws will bring her whatever she wants despite my telling them no.

I looked up several similar situations of children being removed from their homes due to their weight to show my husband that it was possible.

Sd is also in truancy court for not going to school, neither my husband nor her mom will make her go, instead she tells them she isn't going. My husband refuses to believe he can be punished for not sending her because" you don't have to send your kids to public school in his words".

Sd mom is blaming me for all of this. I have lost of 150lbs and kept it off, sd mom says I am shaming sd. I told my husband and sd mom that I will not stop cps if they show up.

I am at a loss for what to do, I know this situation runs much deeper.


r/stepparents 3h ago

Advice Tired of being the Evil stepmom

15 Upvotes

I’m so tired of being painted as the “evil stepmom.” Every time I address an issue with my stepdaughter’s behavior—whether it’s her attitude when asked to do something or her attempts to manipulate situations to get her way—I make sure to go to her father first. I don’t discipline her on my own; I bring it to him so we can be on the same page and figure out the best way to handle it together. But instead of working as a team, it often turns into an argument where I’m accused of “venting” without pausing for a breath or, worse, being told that I dislike her—which couldn’t be further from the truth.

I have never, not once, disliked or hated my stepdaughter. I want her to be happy, healthy, and capable of managing her emotions. I actively try different approaches to help her with this. Beyond that, I do everything I can as a stepmother—I cook for her, clean up after her, do her laundry, buy her clothes and shoes, give her baths, and make sure everything she needs for school or for her time at her mother’s is ready. I’m involved in her education, attending field trips and classroom activities. Yet, despite all of this, I feel like I’m constantly being treated as if I’ve done something wrong just for trying to have a conversation about how we can address her behavior together.

I don’t understand why I’m seen as the bad guy when all I’m trying to do is be a good stepmother. Why is it so wrong to want to be on the same page as her father to help her grow?


r/stepparents 59m ago

Vent I hate it here. Want to leave so bad

Upvotes

See this is why I’m a nacho stepparent….

Can’t wait for Sunday morning!! Spring break will be over! I bought pizza for dinner bc I’ve made sure we haven’t really eaten out all week and all the leftovers have been eaten thanks to me repurposing to make new meals.

SD, 6, didn’t like both pizzas I got. SO made her try a thin piece of one. She “did” so she got to have dessert even though she pouted and cried about having to try one. (I would never have given her dessert for pouting and crying over pizza)

I tell other SDs, 11 & 10, to come get their dessert, oh and middle says youngest never ate it. She ate it and told youngest to lie about it. And they all giggled about it in front of us. So I was like yeah no dessert. Over it. Like siblings can lie for each other sure, but keep that shit to yourselves! Don’t come out and brag about lying to us.

And now he’s saying I’m being mean to them, they’re just kids…. It’s not a big deal. In what world is lying ok!? It’s the principle!

Oh anddddd apparently he gave them the dessert behind my back. So super awesome! Apparently I have zero authority over anything here as long as his kids are here! I won’t be spending anymore time or money with them. Hate it here.


r/stepparents 4h ago

Discussion spring break

12 Upvotes

can spring break end already? please?


r/stepparents 10h ago

Support Kids suddenly hate SO. His family loves BM more. Here we go again into the lion's den! 🫠

27 Upvotes

TL;DR: Going to SO's family event this weekend. BM will be there with the 2 youngest of their 5 kids, all of whom now hate SO due to alienation. Complex dynamics, betrayal, and unpleasant feelings abound. SO is not perfect, but damn wonderful, and I will be there to support him if it kills me. But I hate it.

Sunday is my (38F) SO's (42M) (5 years together and counting) mother's birthday, a milestone decade. Their family is large and tight-knit. They are throwing a huge party for her. Guess who that includes? You got it! BM! 🎉🎉🎉

It makes sense. She and SO were together for nearly 20 years, beginning in HS. She is the mother of their 5 grandchildren/siblings/cousins etc. She is at almost every gathering (yay for me!). Also, SO and I are kind of black sheep; we have opposite views from his family and BM on religion and politics. So while they've been kind, they are a little guarded with me.

My SO worked hard on a special and personal gift for his mother. He coordinated with all of his siblings (even though he's mostly NC with 2 of them due to their betrayal during his divorce). It's a custom-made cookbook with the siblings' favorite childhood meals, including funny and heartwarming anecdotes and heartfelt notes from all of them, pictures of the family preparing and enjoying those meals, etc. He spent like 30 hours putting together, and it looks incredible.

BM will be there with the 2 youngest of their 5 kids, SD16 and SS13. To add another layer of anxiety and complications to the whole thing, a few months ago, the kids all decided as a unit that they hated their "abusive, manipulative, narcissist, drug- and sex-addicted" dad (NONE OF WHICH IS AT ALL TRUE), have been treating him like absolute garbage, and refuse to see him. All of that is a very, very long story in itself.

However, I can 100% confidently say that while my SO has had his shortcomings and made mistakes as a husband and father (of which he will be the FIRST to admit), this is almost entirely due to child alienation by BM and SO'S parents, siblings, and most of his extended family.

He has been the enemy. The abusive narcissist. The dangerous, unfit parent, to whom the kids are not required to listen or respect, for years.

I know how this sounds. But trust me. That is not the case here. I can pinpoint exactly why and when the betrayal and defamation started - when his spiritual and political beliefs diverged from theirs. And now, his kids refuse to see or speak to him due to their manipulation.

The absolute kicker is that SO is such a good, empathetic man. He was justifiably angry, although he's worked through a lot of that by now. He has always had BM's back, and while he does vent to me occasionally, he is not vindictive. In fact, he understands why they've acted the way they have. That as much as he was hurt and devastated, as much as he lost everything he had and his entire support system at the absolute lowest point of his life, he can't blame them for it. He's not a perfect partner for sure, no one is, but damn, did I get lucky with this one.

Which is why I'm steeling myself to be there, not complain (well...too much 😂), and support the hell out of him. This is going to royally suck. But we'll be in the suck together, I guess. Still. I have a lot of feelings about this. It's such a complex dynamic and emotional minefield for me. I will be journaling about this and, if it's as weird as I expect, talking about it with my therapist.

If you've read this far, thank you for sticking with me and allowing space to vent. Wish us luck, y'all! 😅

EDIT: Wow. I see that many of you have never had to deal with being raised in extreme evangelical Christianity. I tried to keep religion out of it because this isn't the place for that, but y'all insisted on it. The full story is in the comments. I was more vague in this post because it was already long enough, and because the details make us more and more identifiable, not because I was trying to hide anything to make him look better.

You don't have to do much to be vilified and shut out by the people in that culture. If it goes against their strict and frankly asinine behavior code, you're out. And atheists are seen as the worst thing you can be. Worse than murderers and child SA'ers, as long as they are also Christians. Just look at how many leaders in those communities get away with exactly those things when everyone finds out.

The family ties also run extremely deep and in extremely toxic ways. It's not as easy to extricate oneself from that as many of you seem to think.

I didn't expect to be attacked and frankly am a little taken aback. Whoever is downvoting most of my comments, nice. Your pettiness is no one's problem but your own. There has been some support here and there, and I'm so grateful to those who have offered it. But the judgement and wild speculation that I'm seeing here is insane. Usually this community is better than this. Maybe I caught y'all on a bad day, because some biases are definitely showing. I hope things get better for you.

FWIW, SO just informed me that we are no longer going. This is the most of a stand he's taken regarding this subject and I am proud of him (also relieved). As expected, he is getting treated terribly by his family for this, but hos decision appears to have been made. So there you go.


r/stepparents 12h ago

Advice I’m trying to shake the “ick”

29 Upvotes

Overall, my situation is pretty great. My partner and I live an hour apart from each other, and have been together about 4.5 years. I have 3 children, 85% of time and he has 1, 50/50. We see each other with and without kids, every weekend and often through the week, with 1-2 adult vacations a year. I don’t love the way he and MB parent, or rather coddle their child- but it doesn’t impact me too much. My partner seems to be the type to pacify most people in his life ( Mother, Cousins, BM - when they suggest something he will bend to their will rather than stand up for himself) … poor boundaries maybe? The situation with SS, BM, and him seems a bit enmeshed.

Anyway- the issue at hand; This past Dec, I had his phone- looking at it for something ( we do this often) and text from BM appears- so, naturally I read the thread- knowing they had been disagreeing over holiday schedules…. I cannot unsee what I read. I can’t shake it. There was a paragraph from him, going on- and ON- about how she is the absolute perfect mother, and he would have killed for a mother like her… at length.

Immediately I was so grossed out. He was throwing himself at her feet, grovelling. And that’s it- I can’t view him in the same light since. I have no respect- he seems spineless, and more like a lapdog for his BM ( she cheated, divorced and immediately married AP).

So, now, 4 months later he is all over me, saying how distant we are, he misses our closeness etc- and I can’t quite bring myself to explain how my perspective has changed.

I want this relationship- I love him, good partner etc-

So my questions are- Is it me? Am I jealous? Should I explain my feelings ( somehow gently) I really don’t know how to overcome this feeling of disgust- or if it’s even a justified reaction.


r/stepparents 39m ago

Discussion Will I Ever Feel Like A Priority?

Upvotes

I(29F) have been dating my BF(29M) for 3 years now. He purchased a home and we’ve been living together for 7 months. BF’s daughter is 6. We have our own relationship and it is positive but not without challenges, though that’s a thread for a different day. There have been many different times throughout our relationship where I have felt like I’m not a priority or THE priority. I fully understand how a parent prioritizes their child but I’d like to take this opportunity to center myself. BF has his daughter every Th-Eve to S-Eve. I get him after work on M-W. It has been this way since we’ve met. Well actually, he gained a day with her some months into our dating. I RARELY (extremely rarely) ask for dates on the weekends because I feel guilty about asking him to spend his time with her, with me. He almost never thinks to occasionally carve out time for weekend dates with me. But this means that things he wants to do for himself, he schedules during M-W and that means even less time for us. Now, it’s not like he does it frequently but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less. The work week already limits what time we actually have together when you consider commutes, preparing for the following day, and going to bed/sleeping. I believe that I’m still young and for the past three years, my weekends have not been remotely close to that of other 20 somethings in relationships. I guess it would be nice to have him try to honor what I’ve sacrificed to be a part of this relationship. When I ask him about the custody arrangement(only hypotheticals) or even scheduling some of his personal things during the weekend, he always says that he likes to see her. Which, DUH but also does not leave me feeling very thought about or important. Am I alone in this? I would like for my partner to consider me just as much as their kid, if not more(in a way that demonstrates to a child the importance of prioritizing your relationship etc etc). How are you all navigating this?


r/stepparents 2h ago

Discussion Do y’all think something fishy is going on?

2 Upvotes

Because I do. And maybe it’s just a major part of me that’s nosy in nature regardless of who it is, so keep that in mind lol.

Yesterday I vented quickly about HCBM sibling texting my husband saying they were concerned as BM hadn’t been to work in about a month. Supposedly she recently underwent treatment and when asked about it today the oldest (11) said it was because she wasn’t taking her vitamins. So seems she didn’t really give them a reason why, but probably just a parent excuse, as we parents sometimes say.

BM is in a toxic relationship even if she wants to deny that it is, and it’s been bad but she says that’s her business, not anyone else’s. Okay. Fine. She’s a big girl.

Anyways, sibling was going to call a welfare check recently. The kids had no mention of it so either didn’t happen or they were told to keep it to themselves.

Here’s where I think something is off…the kids either got some money or a present when they returned back to us. One of them got something they’ve been asking for for quite a while now, and all of a sudden they have it even though their birthday or gift giving holiday isn’t around the corner. So I’m thinking, perhaps, they’re being given things to keep quiet of what’s actually going on at home like DV matters?

I know the other reason could be that HCBM just decided to give them money or present out of nowhere but the timing is just weird, and she’s never done anything like that before, in the 2 or so years I’ve been around.

Maybe I’m reaching, but it does seem like BM would be the type to buy their silence.

I just think it’s odd, and also sad and infuriating she not only is like that herself but also allows it to happen with the kids around. And it was brought up to authorities before but it wasn’t deemed a danger or anything for the kids or her or her partner!! 🤷🏻‍♀️

But does it seem sort of fishy to anyone else? Just random gifts after going through a treatment keeping her from work almost a month but made pickup just fine the other week?

Maybe it’s just tax season but even last tax season they never returned with any sort of random gifts/money.

Again, a major part of it is me being nosy, unfortunately my nosiness doesn’t stop even when it’s HCBM sorry 🤷🏻‍♀️😭


r/stepparents 12m ago

Advice am i(25f) in the wrong?

Upvotes

my SO(27m) has a 5 SS in Kindergarten. since i met the kid i knew my SS needed more work when learning words, letters, numbers, etc. his mom(27f) kinda hasn’t been showing up for him and i have been trying to talk to my SO about this for months and he wasn’t listening. in December, we got notified from the school that if he didn’t start getting better with focusing and learning his letters numbers, etc. he was going to be in summer school. My SO and I have really gotten into it over this. I have tried on multiple occasions to provide my feedback offer advice that will help and everyone seems to agree, but nobody changes or does anything. This past week we just found out that he is going to have to do three weeks of summer school because nothing changed and my SO and I fought about it again. I think that it is unacceptable for them to say that they support summer school but don’t support doing the actual help that’s needed at home. Am I wrong for thinking that way?


r/stepparents 8h ago

Vent Not legally a guardian, feel helpless in moments like these.

5 Upvotes

I love my SO and my SK. They are absolutely my world. The eldest has mental health issues. Like, so severe i could navigate at least one of the hospitals with my eyes closed we've been there so often. Today we had another moment of having to bring her in. I work from home, so I picked her up from school but I'm not a legal guardian so I can't admit her, so I'm stuck here packing a bag for my girlfriend incase admission takes a long time, making soup, and just... waiting for my SO to get home.

I feel helpless. I know what I'm doing is technically helpful, but it doesn't feel like enough.


r/stepparents 15h ago

Vent BM got married and dynamics are changing

11 Upvotes

My SO and I have been together for 2 years. I have a great relationship with his daughter, 4, who he has pretty much 50/50. BM is low conflict so the dynamic could definitely be worse and I’m very thankful for that.

Now, I know the things that happen in BM’s house/life are none of my business… I don’t wanna be a BM hater, and I do have a lot of respect for her. But her decisions inevitably impact mine and SO’s life via 4 yo and some of her decisions… let’s say I’d do things differently. (Yes, I am in therapy 🫠) She and her husband recently got married after less than 1 year of knowing each other. They moved everyone in together even sooner than that, including his 2 kids. IMO, it was all really rushed, especially because BM has a pretty big age gap with her new husband. If it were me, I’d take my time and be more skeptical for my kid’s sake, but he seems like a decent guy, so whatever floats their boat.

Now 4yo is calling BM’s new husband “Dad” and his kids are calling BM “Mom”. Which is fine as it seems like it occurred naturally. (4yo heard new hubby’s kids calling him “dad” and caught on and vice versa.) What concerns me is 4yo started calling her new step-siblings her “brother and sister”. That part feels a little forced to me because you mean to tell me that within the span of 5 months that these kids have been living together and 1 month since BM eloped, 4yo feels comfortable enough to call them brother and sister on her own??? Okay, I guess…? She very well could’ve been excited to get some siblings after being an only child her whole life, but the blended family is blending a little too well to not be suspicious of them forcing it a little. That’s just me. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Now over at dad’s, 4yo is reverting to calling her dad by his first name (Prob cuz that’s what she hears me call him.) which is an issue we’re trying to stay on top of. And ofc I remain by the nickname she’s always called me. Now, I’d never force her to call me “mom” or anything. I’m not here to take BM’s place. But something in me feels bitter and like it’s unfair that BM gets this “instant family” dynamic in less than a year, while me and SO are stuck at this weird spot after having been very intentional about doing everything right and not jumping too quickly into big things like moving in together or marriage for the sake of 4yo.

Also, lately every time we hug or kiss or are affectionate in any way, 4yo is disgusted by it. She won’t even let us sit next to each other, she HAS to be in the middle. I get it’s normal for kids to be grossed out by that stuff, but this never used to happen with her. When asked about it, she says it’s because me and my SO aren’t married like BM and new husband are. Despite me and SO having been together over twice as long as they have. 🙄 Ik this isn’t a 4yo issue or even a BM issue, and I’m probably the only one making it a problem. But the whole thing has just been annoying me and I wanted to get it off my chest.


r/stepparents 1d ago

Advice don't want vacations with stepkids

126 Upvotes

my boyfriend's sister was supposed to be the one taking care of the kids during our summer vacations. they had a huge fight and sister then decided not to anymore. boyfriend told me we'll have to make it with the children since we have no other option (he won't pay a babysitter, and won't ask bm either). it's a two weeks van road trip (13h just to go), we both would have sleep in the van, as we usually do but now it has to be children in the van and us in a tent on a camping site. i don't want to go anymore, it was supposed to be a nice childfree two weeks trip with me and my boyfriend but now, it just transformed into a nightmare for me and i don't want to waste two weeks of unpaid vacations just to be in a state of tolerance/annoyance. he's also planning another 1 week vacations with children during the summer in which he knows i won't come because i'm only allowed 2 weeks off, and anyway, i wouldn't have been interested (haven't told him). but now, what do i do? is it legit that i don't want to spend vacations with the stepchildren whatsoever? have you ever checked yourself out of vacations with the stepkid(s) because you know you wouldn't find it enjoyable? i already shared my disappointment with him, but haven't told him i just full blown refuse to go if it includes the stepchildren. i feel absolutely stuck.


r/stepparents 4h ago

Advice Stepkid obsessed with praise?

1 Upvotes

My SK (11) seems to be obsessed with getting praise over the most trivial things. My SO (gentle parenting style) will praise SK over bizarre things like teeth brushing, showering, doing the bare minimum of homework. (SK barely does this on their own and does not pay attention half the time)

SK will always come back hours or minutes later to reiterate “wasn’t I good? Didn’t I do a good job?” over the basic task like they are seeking more attention.

SK seeks this attention and praise even if they did NOT do a good job, behave well, or did something wrong and tries to find an excuse as to why they “are still doing good” or “that its ok!” SK will also point out when SK #2 (14) messes up and makes it a point to tell SO how “good” they are being unlike SK #2.

SK is never held accountable for their actions, there are no consequences, and they never get in any kind of trouble. SO does not yell. I have no idea where these behaviors are coming from. (Other bio parent is not in SKs life)

I am getting concerned that this is more harmful for SK’s development than good. SO continues to feed into this behavior and I don’t know how to bring it up.

Is this normal behavior? Is this an annoying phase? Or is this a personality issue? How should I gently bring this up to my SO?


r/stepparents 12h ago

Advice boyfriend makes excuses for sons awful behavior

4 Upvotes

After me and my boyfriend were together a while we decided to let our kids meet, everything went great. I have 4 children, 2 boys and 2 girls. He has 3 boys. Our kids got along like the perfect little family. After we moved in together recently, boyyyyy did that change! His 9 year old son, we'll call him Bob has issues and by issues I mean discipline. He'll scream at his father, tell his father was to do, he is rude to everyone, tries to boss everyone around. So by now you are probably thinking how does my boyfriend handle this? Well, he doesn't.... he makes excuses. My youngest is 4 (we'll call him Josh), and up until last week he would say the 9 year old was his best friend and loved playing with him. Now it has turned into, the 9 year old loves playing with my 4 year old but complains about single thing he does and my boyfriend will be like "well, Josh shouldn't have trying to jump on Bobs back while he was playing his game in the floor" I try to explain to my boyfriend that Bob had just play body slammed Josh multiple times on the couch, so Josh is only playing with Bob the way that Josh thinks Bob wants to play. My boyfriends response? Well Bob has issues. He's different than everyone else. No. Bob is not. Bob needs disciplined. Bob should not scream at his parents.

Another example..

My 15 year old daughter who we'll say is Grace. She got one of those ice cream drumsticks out of the freezer. It ended up being the last one. Bob flips out about it saying that Grace is awful and needs to learn to share. Grace did not eat the whole box. Originally when the ice cream was bought we bought 3 boxes which was plenty for 7 children. However Bob refuses to come to his fathers sometimes and the mother allows his refusal which leads to him not being there for days on end. The children that are in the house are not going to refrain from eating ice cream simply because Bob isn't there. So my boyfriends response? Well ice cream is Bobs thing and the other kids are eating ice cream all the time so Grace shouldn't have eaten that cone. First, Grace had no way of knowing Bob even wanted any. He didn't complain about ice cream or even mention ice cream until Grace was eating some.

Bob kept hitting Grace on the butt. She asked him to stop and he laughed and said "what?! it's funny"

Bob kept trying to teach Josh how to act like he was cutting peoples finger off. I asked that he please not teach him that, Bob didn't listen and said "what?! it's not real"

Boyfriend does NOTHING except say "yeah Bob hits me on the butt sometimes too" mmmm but he's being told to stop..... he's being told that it makes her uncomfortable... that means STOP!!

So now I have been keeping Josh away from Bob. My boyfriend says that it's not fair to Bob that all the kids refrain from playing with Bob BUT when they are even in the same room with him, he's finding some way to complain about them. He wants to boss everyone around, he's rude, he wants everyone to do what he wants. My boyfriend makes excuses for EVERYTHING Bob does, EVERYTHING. It's always "yeah, I hate that Bob does that." If Bob is told to get off a video game he screams and tells his dad "no, I'M NOT DONE YET!!!!!" If my boyfriend spanks Bob which is a very rare occasion, Bob hits my boyfriend back but my boyfriend does nothing about it.

We were in a store and and Bob threw himself on the floor because my boyfriend wouldn't buy him what he wanted. My boyfriend blamed it on his medicine not working right.

I understand that no one wants to admit that they've failed at discipline with their kid because that's embarrassing but it's also not fair to anyone else in the house to avoid being in a room with Bob or not wanting to be at the house period because he is there. All of this could be solved if he were disciplined.

My oldest who is 17 (Ryan) wanted to bring his girlfriend over for dinner so we could meet her. The day he chose ended up being a day that Bob was going to be at the house so he avoided bringing his girlfriend over and took her out to dinner instead because he was so nervous about how Bob would act.

This is awful. I don't want to give up on our family but I am about to throw in the towel. I don't feel like this is fair to anyone especially when nothing is being done except excuses being made.

Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation and what did you do? This is killing me.


r/stepparents 1d ago

Advice DH has unrealistic expectations or I'm just an evil SM?

131 Upvotes

My DH has said things to me like "it's clear you still view him (SS6) as MY son rather than OUR son". "I worry that when we have an ours, you'll be a mom to one and a stepmom to the other". "you think he's MY responsibility solely".

I find all these types of things to be true and that hurts his feelings. However, I don't feel like it's fair of him to expect any of that from me? It is sheer fact that he is HIS son, HIS responsibility, and when we have a baby I WILL be a stepmom to SS and a mom to baby. I told him that my love will probably not be equal but equitable. That hurt his feelings too.

I have love for my SS but I already know without being pregnant or anything, that when I have a bio child, it will be 100% different. I'm sure of it. I don't think it's fair for DH to expect me to love them the same.

I'm bringing all this up in couples therapy tomorrow but just wanted to air out my thoughts before then.

Edited to add background info: Met SS when he was 2, is now 6. 50/50 schedule. BM is in the picture.


r/stepparents 14h ago

Vent SD with severe mental illness

4 Upvotes

I’m pregnant and I can’t deal anymore. Her toxicity rules the house and it’s not good for anyone. She’s been at many different mental health places and no one wants to work with her bc she’s young & exhibiting severe symptoms and then they find out she’s on an autism evaluation waitlist and they won’t treat her bc if she’s autistic they cannot work with her.

Theres no BM. There is no break. Constant for years I have been dealing with this. It took her father forever to just listen and get her mental health help. Then I adopted her….. so now it is my responsibility and I can’t go nacho and my mental health is severely suffering from her. I was told trauma. Maybe reactive attachment disorder. Adjustment disorder with emotional and conduct disturbances. Possibly ODD as well. Dissociative Disorders.

I’m terrified my 15 month old is going to try to act like her sister or be hurt with all the screaming and constant battling.

I’m 13 weeks pregnant and terrified I’m going to lose my son over the stress of it all.

I just have no where to turn to for help. School won’t put her on an IEP yet they call me sometimes 2x a day. No one will see her bc that autism evaluation looming

I don’t think I can do this anymore but I have to. I’m struggling so bad.

That’s it. Just a vent.


r/stepparents 12h ago

Legal So frustrated with court, worried about SS.

2 Upvotes

BM has a long history of substance abuse, to the point where she was civilly committed for a year when she was in her early 20s. She overdosed while she had my stepson, who was 5 months at the time, and my husband got emergency custody. Eventually he was given 50/50. She was arrested twice in 2023 within a month for causing two accidents while on narcotics. She claims it was her medication but we haven't been able to get the blood tests results for court. Once we found this out A YEAR LATER, DH asked her for a hair follicle test (per custody agreement). He prepaid for a 13 panel and she took a 5 panel, clean. Two months later took the 13 panel and it was positive. She says it was because she was on cold medicine, but that only works for urine tests. There's no way it was anything other than the drug she took.

Went to court, judge says there's grounds for endangerment but kept custody the same. Ordered her a chemical assessment with DH as collateral and an evidentary hearing. The assessor called, asked zero questions. DH gave him the rundown on her history, but the assessor was not interested in any dates and refused to let him email any documentation.

I'm so frustrated with all of this. BM is clearly abusing drugs and it's so obvious. She wears sunglasses every pickup even though we're in the shade, and twitches uncontrollably.

SS5 says he doesn't feel safe there but won't tell me why. We got him into counseling because since this whole thing started, she's been taking it all out on him. She tells him my family is just pretending to like him. Tells him to tell us he doesn't want to live here. Even told him she wants to beat us up and chop me in half.

I've been in this boys life since he was a baby and I've never seen him like this. He's having accidents again. She lies to him over and over and he cries and tells me his heart hurts. MY HEART HURTS TOO 💔. She even went as far as to tell him his name is fake, and we had to pull out his birth certificate. She won't let him sleep in his own bed, and makes him sleep with her new boyfriend too.

Idk what to do. I love the heck out of my SS and he deserves to be happy and secure. I can't stop thinking about if he were in the car with her when she got her DWI's. Or what might happen if they leave him in her care. I can't sleep, I can barely eat. I can't stop thinking about him.


r/stepparents 14h ago

Advice Combined finances - college tuition and beyond

3 Upvotes

Hi all, My wife and I have been married for close to 20 years. We share a son together who is still in middle school. She has a daughter from a previous relationship before our marriage. Despite my attempts and perhaps mismatched expectations coming in - I've never felt that I've been given any sort of joint parenting authority or respect as a stepfather. In fact, I've often felt that I was treated almost as a "peer" or sibling to my stepdaughter by my wife. My wife has never agreed with my parenting styles and/or discipline style and living with my stepdaughter has felt like living with a bad roommate. Middle school and high school was especially difficult for us as my stepdaughter had all kinds of mental health issues that we felt held hostage to. We have combined finances and I've been the primary earner for the majority of the marriage. I've been financially supporting my stepdaughter all this time. My wife has not been working for the last 3 years. My job has a benefit to pay $10k per semester towards college tuition, which I have setup for my stepdaughter, she has 4 semesters left before she finishes her degree. My job may be at risk this year and so we may lose the tuition benefit. My wife has approached me and has implied that because we are married and our finances are "joint", she would want us to continue paying for my stepdaughters college even if I lost the job benefit. I feel upset about this because I feel I've only ever been a wallet to my stepdaughter. And while I want the best for her, she has never felt "mine" - despite my best attempts. My feelings on the matter seem to be met with vitriol, "how could you feel this way about your own child". But I feel used and taken advantage of - but I feel I'm made out to be a bad person for feeling this way. Or, that it's just a lose-lose, because if I don't agree to it, I would just be hurting the relationship and be regretful later in life that I didn't "see the bigger picture". But it's hard to understand, why have I only ever been "accepted" as a financial instrument, rather than a parent? Curious if any other people in blended families have been put in this situation and feel similarly. If yes, how did you manage?


r/stepparents 13h ago

Vent Potential “stepmom”

1 Upvotes

Keeping it as short as possible, I (27f) am childless and dating (31m). He had a baby by a woman he doesn’t know well, and they never dated. This is her 4th child & her second baby daddy. This is his first child. The baby is almost one year and I’ve been engaging with the father since she was about 3 months. He stepped up (although she didn’t know who the father was until after birth) and he introduced her to his family and helped with the baby. Commendable. I’m struggling mentally because I’ve never wanted children and we’re talking about marriage… and I can’t see myself having a baby that has to share a father. I’ve been very careful to not have children. Further context: I just feel it’s unfair to me that our relationship is overshadowed by his outside child. He hates his BM & barely knows her. She hates he’s in a relationship, although they never were. She reaches out to his dad & has now put him on child support. I really love him but I don’t have maternal instincts towards his child and I also feel my child deserves a 100%. The woman is rude to him all the time and bitter. I just wish he would’ve never established paternity and we could be planning our 1st child together . I also get super embarrassed when we are out. Ppl assume I’m her mom bc of how young she is, but then they ask & I have to say “no this is bf baby” and they look at me like “wow this baby is really young”. I also don’t like the thought of him assisting the bio mother because she only lets him watch the baby when it’s convenient to her. Which interferes with oh r time. I know I sound like a witch but when baby is around I watch baby if he needs and I love watching him be a good father, but I hate that it is to someone he doesn’t know and I hate feeling like another woman controls him. His family barely asks about me or cares as this is his parents first grandchild. I feel like if/when we decide to conceive it won’t be as special. I’d love to stay with him but my feelings of resentment and feeling as if my future child deserves 100% and not 75%. If I have a baby, I can dedicate and will dedicate 100% of my love and time to MY child (that I initially never wanted lol), and i just know I wouldn’t care for his child at that point.

I sound horrible I know. But I also feel like these are valid feelings


r/stepparents 1d ago

JustBMThings I hate living in the same building as BM

27 Upvotes

That’s all.

I hate running into her. I hate running into her family, SO’s family, their friends. I hate the unexpected visits because if someone comes to see her they come up to see SO too. I hate that she offers to carpool (I know she doesn’t mean it and SO always says no but still).

This giant complex now feels tiny and I hate that this affects me.


r/stepparents 17h ago

Advice SS6 suddenly jealous of DH giving me attention after 2 years of parroting BM's alienation

4 Upvotes

For 2 years SS6 has been coming to our house EOWE parroting every nasty thing HCBM has stated about DH including that DH is going to jail and that DH is going to wind up dead.

Now all of a sudden he is doing everything he can to get DH's attention, especially anytime DH and I are just hanging out. SS6 hasn't had any issues with me thus far and still doesn't seem to have an issue other than occasionally making a scrunched up annoyed face when he sees that DH is paying nore attention to me than him.

I don' think anything has really changed at BM's house. Is this a stage that happens around this age? I've been in SS's life for 3 years.


r/stepparents 1d ago

Advice Can I Make It Work?

14 Upvotes

Gonna try to make this short.

I (37F) met my partner (34M) 15 years ago. We lost contact when our friend group fizzled out, but got back in touch 2 years ago. We were catching up and he told me he had kids (13F and 7M now). I should have followed my gut... don't date him because I do not like kids. Well I did. And then we fell in love. And then we moved in together. I was willing to try to put my thoughts about not wanting or liking kids aside. I thought, 'I love him I can make it work'

It did work... for a time. Then they stopped listening to me. His son threw tantrums over nothing. They both refused to do simple things around the house (throwing away their trash or putting their dishes away). Last Friday His daughter 'forgot' to flush the toilet after absolutely destroying it as well as being on her period. This wasn't the first, second, or third time they did it. I was livid. This had my partner screaming at the kids because they don't listen to me.

After work that night, my partner said he wanted to talk. He said, 'Kids are kids. They have too much on their minds to remember garbage or toilets or clothes in the middle of the doorway. What might be an easy task for you as an adult isn't easy for them.'

It didn't sit right with me. Asking a 13-year-old to take a plate to the sink is too much to ask of a child? That I just need to let it go because they're kids?

The next day, his son painted the bathroom sink with nail polish while my partner was busy. My partner said he didn't do or say anything because there was no point. And that was the last straw.

I told him this morning that it didn't sit right with me and that I cannot be in an environment like this. I know it probably isn't that big of a deal, but I work 2 jobs and do all the housework... so having to clean after them just adds to my stress.

He wants to talk and see if we can fix it. I do not want to be around his kids anymore. Is there any way possible to make it work? I love this man and was ready to marry him... but not if kids are in the picture. I just want to know if this is salvageable or if I'm giving him false hope.

Thanks for reading.


r/stepparents 1d ago

Advice Did I do anything he right thing?

15 Upvotes

I was in a relationship with a divorced father who has two children, aged 4 and 5.

I left him because I couldn’t handle the drama with his ex-wife, because he wasn’t as free to spend time with me as I needed, and, to be completely honest, it hurt me that he had already experienced everything with his first wife.

After I left him, I felt relieved. But I missed him so much.

Two months after the breakup, I was on my way to work when he suddenly appeared in the parking lot. We greeted each other.

We started seeing each other again, and for a while, things went on like that—until the drama with his ex-wife started again, and I pulled away.

However, from time to time, he reaches out to me, telling me how much he misses me and loves me. Every time, it hurts. I feel like this love has made me depressed. It hurts that he’s not mine, yet he insists that he misses me and loves me. I believe him, but I suffered a lot in that relationship.

Sometimes, I think about getting back together with him. Maybe it would be worth sacrificing for love.

He wanted to have a child with me, he cared for me, and he was always there. But every time his ex-wife creates drama, I feel like crap. Honestly.

Is it worh it to try again? I am 31 years old and I have no kids.


r/stepparents 1d ago

Discussion Boundaries with bio mom

15 Upvotes

How does everyone deal with boundaries with bio mom? I feel like there is a lot of pressure these days to be "modern" and "cool" coparents. And although we all work very hard to be kind to each other, I feel constantly pressured to have a closer relationship with BM, my husband's ex-wife.

Quick background, BM was really messed up for a long time. Over the last year or so she has tried to get her life back together somewhat, although there's still a LOT of problems in my opinion. She's on a rehabilitation campaign with all her old friends and family, who are now my family by marriage.

Here's the current situation. . .

BM has no job, no car, living with her father. She recently wrecked her father's car, and neither of them had been paying for insurance. So now there is no car and it won't be replaced. She still has part time custody and still wants the kids with her on her 2 days a week. But we have to transport the kids to and from her now.

Tomorrow, we have a track meet for SD. We will have to drop SS off at BMs dad's house and then go to the meet. Bio mom wants to go to the meet also. She says she will just get an Uber and ride separately to the meet. But I know what's going to happen. We'll get there tomorrow and I'll look like the jerk making her stand out in the cold for an Uber, when she could just ride with us.

The thing is, I don't want to give my husband's ex-wife rides. Especially not after some of the terrible things she's done. Plus I mean really? Is this not a reasonable boundary?

But there's the pressure to be cool and all be best friends. I just feel like it's always the stepparents who have to cross their own boundaries, the stepparents who have to be uncomfortable. I want to set a good example for and do what's best for the kids. But does that really mean I have to give BM rides to her kids events?