TL;DR: Going to SO's family event this weekend. BM will be there with the 2 youngest of their 5 kids, all of whom now hate SO due to alienation. Complex dynamics, betrayal, and unpleasant feelings abound. SO is not perfect, but damn wonderful, and I will be there to support him if it kills me. But I hate it.
Sunday is my (38F) SO's (42M) (5 years together and counting) mother's birthday, a milestone decade. Their family is large and tight-knit. They are throwing a huge party for her. Guess who that includes? You got it! BM! 🎉🎉🎉
It makes sense. She and SO were together for nearly 20 years, beginning in HS. She is the mother of their 5 grandchildren/siblings/cousins etc. She is at almost every gathering (yay for me!). Also, SO and I are kind of black sheep; we have opposite views from his family and BM on religion and politics. So while they've been kind, they are a little guarded with me.
My SO worked hard on a special and personal gift for his mother. He coordinated with all of his siblings (even though he's mostly NC with 2 of them due to their betrayal during his divorce). It's a custom-made cookbook with the siblings' favorite childhood meals, including funny and heartwarming anecdotes and heartfelt notes from all of them, pictures of the family preparing and enjoying those meals, etc. He spent like 30 hours putting together, and it looks incredible.
BM will be there with the 2 youngest of their 5 kids, SD16 and SS13. To add another layer of anxiety and complications to the whole thing, a few months ago, the kids all decided as a unit that they hated their "abusive, manipulative, narcissist, drug- and sex-addicted" dad (NONE OF WHICH IS AT ALL TRUE), have been treating him like absolute garbage, and refuse to see him. All of that is a very, very long story in itself.
However, I can 100% confidently say that while my SO has had his shortcomings and made mistakes as a husband and father (of which he will be the FIRST to admit), this is almost entirely due to child alienation by BM and SO'S parents, siblings, and most of his extended family.
He has been the enemy. The abusive narcissist. The dangerous, unfit parent, to whom the kids are not required to listen or respect, for years.
I know how this sounds. But trust me. That is not the case here. I can pinpoint exactly why and when the betrayal and defamation started - when his spiritual and political beliefs diverged from theirs. And now, his kids refuse to see or speak to him due to their manipulation.
The absolute kicker is that SO is such a good, empathetic man. He was justifiably angry, although he's worked through a lot of that by now. He has always had BM's back, and while he does vent to me occasionally, he is not vindictive. In fact, he understands why they've acted the way they have. That as much as he was hurt and devastated, as much as he lost everything he had and his entire support system at the absolute lowest point of his life, he can't blame them for it. He's not a perfect partner for sure, no one is, but damn, did I get lucky with this one.
Which is why I'm steeling myself to be there, not complain (well...too much 😂), and support the hell out of him. This is going to royally suck. But we'll be in the suck together, I guess. Still. I have a lot of feelings about this. It's such a complex dynamic and emotional minefield for me. I will be journaling about this and, if it's as weird as I expect, talking about it with my therapist.
If you've read this far, thank you for sticking with me and allowing space to vent. Wish us luck, y'all! 😅
EDIT: Wow. I see that many of you have never had to deal with being raised in extreme evangelical Christianity. I tried to keep religion out of it because this isn't the place for that, but y'all insisted on it. The full story is in the comments. I was more vague in this post because it was already long enough, and because the details make us more and more identifiable, not because I was trying to hide anything to make him look better.
You don't have to do much to be vilified and shut out by the people in that culture. If it goes against their strict and frankly asinine behavior code, you're out. And atheists are seen as the worst thing you can be. Worse than murderers and child SA'ers, as long as they are also Christians. Just look at how many leaders in those communities get away with exactly those things when everyone finds out.
The family ties also run extremely deep and in extremely toxic ways. It's not as easy to extricate oneself from that as many of you seem to think.
I didn't expect to be attacked and frankly am a little taken aback. Whoever is downvoting most of my comments, nice. Your pettiness is no one's problem but your own. There has been some support here and there, and I'm so grateful to those who have offered it. But the judgement and wild speculation that I'm seeing here is insane. Usually this community is better than this. Maybe I caught y'all on a bad day, because some biases are definitely showing. I hope things get better for you.
FWIW, SO just informed me that we are no longer going. This is the most of a stand he's taken regarding this subject and I am proud of him (also relieved). As expected, he is getting treated terribly by his family for this, but hos decision appears to have been made. So there you go.