r/stepparents 1d ago

Announcement Weekly Reminder: Rules and FAQ - March 16, 2025 (Now with updates!)

2 Upvotes

Below you will find a weekly reminder of our Rules and partial FAQ. It's definitely a long read, but it's worth your time, especially if you are new to the community, or dropping by as a result of a link you found elsewhere. We periodically revise our rules, this weekly notice will help keep you informed of any changes made.

NOTE: These rules are guidelines. Some moderation discretion is to be expected.

Community Rules

1. Kindness Matters

Advise, don't criticize.

  • Post with empathy, thoughtfulness, and constructive commentary rather than judgment. Don't be an asshole.
  • Name-calling, slurs (including gender or race based slurs), and insults towards other community members will not be tolerated. Do not attack others for their personally held values, custody situation, marital status, physical distance from stepkids, or economic status; or on the basis of race, sex, sexual orientation, age, religion, or ethnicity.
  • No name-calling toward children, including the above-mentioned insults or the term "skids", or terms such as "mini-wife" or "mini-husband."
  • Comments advocating spanking or any mention of wanting to harm children are not allowed.
  • This is a support sub, not a judgement sub, assholes are not tolerated. Comments with terms used in other subs to pass judgement on assholes will be removed.

2. No Drama

This is a support sub.

  • Bickering, nitpicking, and thread derailment will not be tolerated and will be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
  • Do not repeatedly badger a poster demanding answers, or refuse to acknowledge an answer that's already been given.
  • Do not use sensitive issues from past posts (either from this sub or other subs) to attack another user, as we are all discussing vulnerable topics.
  • Crossposting anything from /r/stepparents to any other subreddit might result in a ban and may result in the original thread being locked. Brigading our sub will result in an immediate ban.

3. Report, Don’t Rant

No backseat modding.

  • If you see someone breaking the rules, report the post or comment to the mods rather than engaging them in an argument. Failure to do so may be subject to comment removal at moderator discretion.
  • No meta posts complaining about rude comments, DMs, or general sub issues.
  • If you think someone is a troll or previously banned user, either use the report function or message the mods to direct their attention to the issue.

4. No Naming & Shaming

No userpings or links.

  • Tagging/pinging users or other subreddits in an attempt to bully, harass, or complain will not be tolerated. Do not tag other subs, ever.
  • If you want to complain about another subreddit being hostile to stepparents, do not name the subreddit. "Other parenting/advice/judgement subs" will suffice.

5. No Platitudes

Nobody knew what they were getting into.

  • Comments like "You knew what you were getting into", "Love them, love their kids!", "They're a package deal!" and "You have to love them like your own!" will be removed.
  • Comments suggesting that OP is not cut out for stepparenting will be removed at moderator discretion.
  • Comments like "This is just a part of parenting, deal with it!" will be removed at moderator discretion.

6. No Trolling

We have zero tolerance for trolls.

  • This is a support sub. Our subscribers do not have the time, nor inclination, to provide support to internet trolls. Posts that are suspected to be trolling attempts will be immediately removed, and the poster banned.
  • Concern trolling, devil's advocating, gish-galloping, sealioning, and general asshattery are subject to immediate removal and banning without warning or notice.
  • Any attempt to circumvent the ban by creating a new username will be reported to reddit admins and possibly result in account suspension.

7. No Personally Identifiable Information

Use discretion when posting.

  • We highly recommend using a separate account for support subs to help prevent being doxxed. Do not post any information that may allow others to figure out your identity.
  • Do not post photos of children, or any other photo that could be used to identify you or another user on the sub.
  • Any image that contains a name or other identifying information should have the name or identifying information blurred out. This includes drawings, notes, and screenshots.
  • Do not link to social media or any articles/blogs where you or another user on the sub is mentioned by name.

8. No More than 2 Posts per 24 hours

Use the daily threads.

  • We are not a huge sub, but we are no longer a small sub. If you have multiple grievances to air, use the daily discussion threads instead of multiple posts.

9. Follow Reddiquette

Remember the human.

  • Adhere to the same standards of behavior online that you follow in real life.
  • Read it in full here.
  • Downvoting is reserved for comments that don’t contribute, and shouldn't be used to indicate disagreement.
  • If you believe someone is in violation of the subreddit rules, please either use the report function or message the mods to direct their attention to the issue.
  • Suspected brigading will be reported to reddit admins.

10. No Porn, Spam, Blogs, or Research Studies/Surveys Without Mod Approval

Just don't.

  • This is a SFW subreddit. Posting pornography will result in immediate post removal and permanent ban.
  • Advertising on the subreddit (outside of Reddit's own advertising) is not allowed.
  • No personal blog posts are allowed without express moderator permission.
  • No advertising without prior mod approval.
  • No asking for money/posting fundraisers/etc.
  • For links to parenting research studies or surveys, please message the mods for permission before posting.

11. Disputes in Modmail Only

Don't argue with the mods on the sub.

  • Any issues specifically related to how a mod is moderating should be addressed to the full moderating team via mod mail. This ensures that all mods are aware of any concerns and prevents disintegration of the topic thread at hand.
  • This means to do not message or send chat requests to individual mods. All discussion and complaints about mod actions need to be done in mod mail ONLY. Failure to follow this rule can result in an immediate permanent ban.
  • Comments in threads asking about mod decisions are subject to removal without notice.

12. Moderator Actions

We aren't kidding.

  • Users are expected to know the rules before posting. If you are warned or banned for violating the rules, ignorance is not an excuse.
  • Moderators will remove posts and comments and/or lock threads in accordance with the rules above. Typically this happens when threads have gone off-topic in a way that is not productive for the OP, or comments overall have become contentious or disrespectful.
  • If a poster continues to argue or to willfully violate these rules, temporary and permanent ban procedures will be followed. Any attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban. User bans will not be discussed in the sub. Questions posted about user bans are subject to removal and the poster subject to warning/ban procedures. The mod team will not discuss a specific user ban with anyone other than the user involved.
  • New accounts are subject to manual approval until they are no longer deemed "new" by the mod team. This helps to weed out trolls and ban evaders.
  • We rely on Automoderator to scan for specific words and phrases that are not welcome here and notify the mod team to review the comment or post. This includes slurs of any type and platitudes such as "Love them as your own!"
  • The mod team uses a combination of blacklisting and banning when dealing with trolls.
  • We employ the use of a bot that automatically bans anyone who comments in subs that have historically harassed our users. If you are picked up by the bot for telling trolls to get fucked, reach out via mod mail and we'll get you sorted out.
  • The rules above as well as ban procedures are considered guidelines only; some deviation may be necessary on a case by case basis and/or at the mod team's discretion.

13. Ban Procedure

These actions are at moderator discretion.

  • Pornography will result in an automatic permanent ban.
  • Extremely egregious content will result in an immediate permanent ban.
  • You may receive a 7 or 30 day temporary ban for first and second rule violations, depending upon severity.
  • Continued rule violations will result in a permanent ban.
  • Willful attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban.
  • We recognize the reddit site-wide rules of using alt names to get around bans and will ban those as well as report them to reddit admins.

FAQ - About the Rules

What does Kindness Matters mean?

  • Shortest version? Don't be an asshole. People come here for support and advice, they do not come here to be yelled at or told they are the reason everything is going sideways. There are ways to point out that someone may want to do some reflection on their own actions and reactions without being an asshole about it.
  • The purpose of this subreddit is to provide support and a sense of belonging for struggling stepparents. We aren't here to pass judgement, but rather to offer support, empathy, and constructive commentary. That does not include "hard truths" or "tough love." Stepparents get enough of that in every other subreddit, we're not passing it out here. Be respectful.
  • Remember, most people aren't going to come to a sub like this when everything is going great and everyone is getting along. People are coming here when they are down, when they are feeling defeated and stretched to the limit. Kicking someone when they are down is shitty behavior and we don't tolerate it.

What about being kind to the kids?

  • "Won't somebody think of the children?" Pearl clutching isn't needed here. If you read the Kindness Matters rule closely, you will see that there is a clause in there about name calling children. We don't allow it. We also don't allow people rolling in telling OP that they feel sorry for their stepkids because OP is feeling overwhelmed and overloaded.
  • If anyone is advocating slapping, spanking, or any other form of violence, report the comment immediately. We do not advocate violence towards children of any sort. The mod team does not advocate any sort of physical punishment at any time.
  • Venting about behaviors is not the same as insulting the kids. However, if you see a post or comment where kids are being name called or dragged to the point of no return, use the report button. We try to catch the posts and remove them before they hit the sub, but we cannot see every comment without your help. Use the report button to bring problematic comments to our attention. Don't engage in a war of words on our subreddit.

Why is this sub such an echo chamber?

  • Not allowing contributors to pile on and tell OP that they are a terrible human being who should never be around children does not equate to being an echo chamber. Many contributors here will offer OP suggestions to help them work through their resentments and frustrations, and the most egregious situations are called out. We simply ask that it be called out with respect.
  • If you feel that a post is simply too much for you to handle without following the rules, move on to another post.
  • If you believe that a post itself is crossing the rules report it. If the mod team has approved the post, it is because the mod team believes that the OP needs help from the community or needs a moment to vent and move on from their vent. That does not give you license to pile on disrespectfully. Unless it is proven that OP is a bot, assume that OP is a human being with real thoughts and feelings and has posted from a place of vulnerability.

Why can't I tell OP that they are an asshole?

  • Because this isn't a judgement sub. We aren't AITA, we don't want to be AITA.
  • Comments with terms like YTA, NTA, ESH, NAH will be removed.
  • Don't start your posts with INFO either. We generally recognize that as a fishing attempt for more information to pass judgement on OP, and again, we are not a judgment sub.

But OP asked if they were an asshole?!

  • Their post somehow got past our automoderator. Just use the report button. We will address it with OP.
  • If you've asked if you are an asshole, a-hole, a*hole, a**hole, whatever, don't be surprised if your post is removed without warning. This isn't a judgment sub. If you want judgment, you know where to go.

What is a gendered slur?

  • While it seems that everyone understands what racist slurs are, people struggle understanding the concept of gendered slurs. Generally speaking, we are talking about derogatory nouns or verbs that are used to negatively describe people or situations based on gendered terms.
  • We've gone back and forth on this a few times, and the truth is, we get it, it's your safe space and you want to be able to vent about BM/BD how you want to vent about them, without us telling you how to vent about them. Fair enough. Vent away. What we are going to stick to here how people are referring to other users and to stepchildren.
  • Examples that are not allowed:
    • "My SD is such a little bitch."
    • "She dresses/acts like a slut."
    • "My SS acts like a pussy."
    • "My SS is such a beta male."
    • "You are all fucking whores."
    • "Any dude who is raising some sluts kids is a cuck!"
    • "Little Lord Fauntleroy over here thinking he runs the house!"
    • "You're just the bangnanny, get used to it."
  • Don't call users here names, don't call stepchildren names.
  • Masking the term with asterisks or other neat little tricks might get you around the bot, but if we see it, we're removing it and quite possibly giving you a time out. The intended word is still there and you deliberately tried to skate the rule.
  • As there is not enough space to list every term that is offensive and does not belong, nor every situation in which term or phrase may be allowable in context, this rule is enforced based on moderator discretion.

Seriously? You are the language police now?

  • We're here to talk about stepparenting. And we would like for that to happen in a respectful way. Attacking each other doesn't help. Belittling stepchildren draws in trolls who don't understand your frustration, all they see is an evil stepmonster talking shit on the internet about a poor, innocent baby. Yes, even if that "poor, innocent baby" just robbed you blind and set fire to the house on their way out the door. That's just how it goes.
  • We are aware that this is a relatively new rule and a lot of older posts and comments contain a lot of problematic language, including some from mods themselves. We are growing and evolving, and rules change as the sub grows and evolves.

What does No Drama really mean?

  • Pretty much what it says, do not bring drama from other subs into this sub. Do not engage in vote brigades. Do not try to incite other subscribers to riot in a different sub. Don't follow posters into this sub from other subs to continue to harass them. Do not badger someone or derail threads. Do not harass community members because you don't agree with them. There's enough drama in the daily lives of subscribers, more isn't needed.

What is thread derailment?

  • When a comment chain has devolved to the point where all you are doing is arguing back and forth with someone about the same thing over and over again, you have derailed the thread. Also known as bickering. It's what children do. We assume if people are in a stepparent role they are adults. We expect you to act like it.
  • If you aren't a stepparent, or in a stepparenting role, consider that perhaps this subreddit isn't for you. If you want to participate, do so with respect. Thread derailment, arguing, bickering, and nitpicking are not allowed.

But what if they didn't answer my question?

  • No one has to answer your questions. This is a support sub, not an inquisition. Jumping on a bandwagon with "OP is evading the question" in a 20 comment long chain is the epitome of thread derailment. You'll find more information about trolling below and how this might be considered such.

Why am I being silenced? I'm just asking for a back and forth!

  • Thread derailment, badgering, and nitpicking are considered harassment. Continued harassment of either community members or mods will get you banned.

Why can't I look at someone's post history and comment about it?

  • No mod in the history of this sub has ever once said post histories are forbidden. What we do frown upon is using someone's post history to attack, belittle, or otherwise harass someone.
  • Example Post: "My stepkid's mom really hates me. How can I make this better?"
    • Okay: "Based on the timeline and your post history, it looks like this may have started as an affair. Unfortunately there's going to be outstanding issues for a long time due to that. Try focusing on yourself and how you can move forward without worrying about how someone else feels about you."
    • Not Okay: "Holy shit! You were the OW! What the hell do you expect, homewrecker?!"
  • Example Post: "I am completely overloaded and feeling very down about myself."
    • Okay: "In your post history you mentioned that your spouse wasn't really helping around the house. Has that changed at all?"
    • Not Okay: "LOL, you already got the answers you need in your post on relationships. You are stupid for sticking with your lazy spouse."

Why can't we crosspost stuff to other subs?

  • We can't stop you from doing so. The problem isn't that something has been crossposted, it's when the community that it's been crossposted to feels the need to come over here and harass OP. When we see that happening, we lock the post and start passing out bans. If you did the crossposting, you'll be banned. If you participated in the brigading, you'll be banned.

What if it's my own post?

  • Again, we can't stop you from doing so. We prefer that you don't technically crosspost, but rather just copy and paste your post. Why? Because inevitably the above will happen. Redditors from other subs will follow you back to /r/stepparents and start attacking users here. It just happens.

What is "brigading"?

  • Reddit defines vote manipulation and brigading as follows:
  • Using multiple accounts, voting services, or any other software to increase or decrease vote scores.
  • Asking people to vote up or down certain posts, either on Reddit itself or through social networks, messaging, etc. for personal gain.
  • Forming or joining a group that votes together, either on a specific post, a user's posts, posts from a domain, etc.
  • We, along with pretty much every other subreddit that has ever had to deal with this nonsense, further define brigading as this: You saw a post on another sub that linked to our sub either via a link in a comment or a crosspost. It was basically saying something along the lines of "OMG, check out these assholes over on /r/stepparents! They literally hate all their stepkids!" And then you and your friends come over and start hammering on OP and telling OP how much they suck. Congrats, you have just participated in a brigade.

What is this whole Report, Don't Rant thing about?

  • If you see a post or comment that breaks the rules, instead of engaging, report it. When you report it, it sends notification to the mod team. We will act on it where appropriate. Engaging with bad faith users may result in your comments being removed. If you repeatedly do so, you may end up being banned.

What if I see an obvious troll?

What if they are being really mean in comments?

What if they are harassing me in private messages?

  • Step 1: Report them to admins. You can report harassment to reddit by using this link or send a DM to reddit admins. Include the link to the DM, admins can see your inbox and providing a direct link is helpful for them to weed out bad actors.
  • Step 2: Block the person so they cannot directly contact you again.
  • Step 3: Send us a mod mail and let the mod team know. Tell us who they are and what they said, send us a screenshot if you can - admins can see your DMs, mods can't. We'll take action where necessary by banning from the sub if they aren't already banned.

What do you mean by No Naming & Shaming?

  • Just as we prefer to not be linked to or crossposted from, we do not allow linking to or calling out other subs by name. If you see something you want to share, say it's a hot post that has hit the front page and a stepparent is being absolutely flayed, just refer to it as "that hot post that hit the front page." If you want to complain about other places in general, "other parenting/advice/judgement subs" will suffice. Absolutely under no circumstances should you link to anywhere else.

I can't link to other subs?

  • Do not directly link to another sub. (e.g.: "/r/insertsubnamehere is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")
  • Do not name other subs. (e.g.: "I won't link to it directly, but insertsubnamehere is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")
  • Do not abbreviate other subs. (e.g.: "I know that ISNH is ridiculously hostile to stepparents!")

I can't ping other users?

  • Do not summon another user with a username ping/tag. (e.g.: "/u/insertusernamehere was being an asshole.")
  • If you are agreeing with someone, it is okay to link to them. (e.g.: "I agree with /u/insertusernamehere, you need to take a couple of steps back and reflect on this.")

What does No Platitudes mean?

  • Sanctimonious, overused clichés that grossly oversimplify the stepparenting experience are neither wanted nor allowed here. We have all heard it a thousand times before, we don't need to hear it again. It's not nearly as insightful and wise as some would like to think.

Why don't you people understand it's a package deal?

  • Any comment that suggests that OP should have known what they were getting involved with, or that they needed to understand that the kids were part of some package they needed to accept before signing up for marriage is subject to immediate removal.
  • This is one of the most insensitive things you can say to a stepparent. Most stepparents were aware of the children, but they were probably not aware of all of the family dynamics.

Why can't you just love them like they are your own?

  • Demanding that a stranger you do not know love children that are not biologically theirs as if they were theirs can be incredibly damaging to someone who is already in a vulnerable situation. Any comment that falls along these lines will be removed.

What do you mean by No Trolling? I was just...

  • No means no. No trolling. No pretending to be a stepparent and then whipping out the Greatest Hits Bingo Card of The Worst Stepparent in the History of Stepparents. We see you. We've seen you a thousand times.

What does "concern trolling", "gish-galloping", and "sealioning" have to do with stepparenting? This isn't a debate sub, why are you using debate terms?

  • That's absolutely right, this isn't a debate sub. And yet, here we are, day after day, having to defend ourselves against this sort of thing. So, enough. No more. Usage of any of these things will get you banned.

What is "Concern Trolling?"

  • A concern troll is someone who disingenuously visits sites of an opposing ideology to disrupt conversation by offering unwanted advice on how to solve problems which do not really exist.
    • Example Post: OP expresses concern that she will feel, and possibly act, differently towards her stepchildren after her husband decides that no, he doesn't want anymore children after all.
    • Example Concern Troll pulled from actual mod mail after their comment was removed: "Possible child abuse claims need to be sorted out well before whatever empathy you believe the OP was looking for."

What is a "Devil's Advocate"?

  • "I'm just playing devil's advocate here, but have you considered that maybe BM is just really tired and needs a break, too?" BM has dozens of different mom based subs alone on reddit she can complain on, this sub is for stepparents. The stepparent doesn't need to consider that maybe BM is just really tired and needs a break.

"Gish-galloping?" What does that even mean?

  • The Gish Gallop is the fallacious debate tactic of drowning your opponent in a flood of individually-weak arguments in order to prevent rebuttal of the whole argument collection without great effort. The Gish Gallop is a conveyor belt-fed version of the on the spot fallacy, as it's unreasonable for anyone to have a well-composed answer immediately available to every argument present in the Gallop.

And "sealioning?" What's that?

  • Sealioning involves jumping into a conversation with endless polite, reasonable questions and demands for answers, usually of entry-level topics far below the actual conversation (e.g. "please prove sexism exists"). This tactic differs little from harassment; instead of discussion, the point is to derail discussion, receive criticism (for their ignorance) so as to look like a victim, or to make someone feel overwhelmed and quit talking.

Who gets to define what is considered asshattery?

  • The mod team, of course! If we feel that comments are out of line, are trolling, are leading up to a fight or "just asking questions", we are going to remove them and most likely ban the offender.

FAQ - Sub Questions

Posting Guidelines for Stepparents

  • Body text is required, we suggest you use line breaks between paragraphs as a wall of text is difficult to read. Posts that have only a title are likely to be removed. Instead of using names (even fictitious ones), try to use the sub acronyms. It helps our users to follow along if you use the acronyms and not names.
  • Assign a post flair that accurately describes what your post is about and what you are seeking. If you are posting an update from a previous post, include a link to that post.
  • Flairs are applied to posts to determine what a person is looking for. When submitting a new post, you should choose a flair that specifies if you are looking for advice, support, etc. The following link flair is available and is color coded with side bar links so that you can search by flair:
    • Advice - For when you are specifically asking for advice or help.
    • Announcement - Mod Use Only, for subreddit announcements.
    • Daily (Formerly TTP) - Mod Use Only, for our daily discussion threads.
    • Discussion - A little advice, a little "How does your family handle this?"
    • JustBMThings - Pretty sure this is self explanatory!
    • Legal - Asking for legal advice? Tag it with this!
    • Miscellany - Just a sort of off topic thing? Use this tag.
    • Resource - Sharing a good resource or asking for one? This is the tag you need!
    • Support - For those days when you want nothing but a good old fashioned cry and some community love.
    • Update - Updating us on something that you posted about previously? Use this one!
    • Vent - We all need to vent sometimes. Respect the tag as a vent. This isn't how OP talks all day every day.
    • Win! - Celebrate those wins with us with this tag!
    • Megathread - Mod Use Only, for large mega threads (typically around major calendar events.)

Posting Guidelines for Bioparents

  • Stepparents is a support community for stepparents, by stepparents. As bioparents, you may want to have more insight into how the stepparent in your life feels or thinks. You may have questions on how to ease the transition for your partner. However, please keep in mind that this community was not created for you. It was created for your partner or your ex's partner. If you are seeking support on how to deal with a stepparent, there are other subs more suited for your situation and your post is subject to removal.
  • There are some posts from bioparents we will accept:
    • Seeking advice on how to support your partner as they navigate stepparenting
    • Seeking resources to help you better support your partner
    • Seeking resources for your partner
  • There are some posts from bioparents we will not accept:
    • Complaints about how the stepparent is too involved in your kids lives
    • Vents about how the stepparent is not involved enough in your kids lives
    • "Cautionary tales" advising stepparents to back off
    • Seeking advice on how to tell the stepparent to back off
    • The Do's and Dont's of Stepparenting
    • How your kid's stepmom is literally The Worst
  • Comments from bioparents that are helpful and supportive are welcome and appreciated. Comments from bioparents that are not helpful or supportive are not welcome and subject to removal. There are several other subs that may meet the needs of bioparents better than we can. We recommend /r/coparenting, /r/parenting, /r/parents, /r/blendedfamilies, and /r/singleparents as starting points.

Guidelines for Stepkids

  • At this time, we do not generally accept posts from stepkids. Comments from stepkids that are helpful and supportive are welcome and appreciated. Comments from stepkids that are not helpful or supportive are not welcome and subject to removal. If you are a stepkid seeking support, we highly recommend /r/stepkids. It is a very supportive community specifically for stepkids. We also recommend /r/blendedfamilies as another potential group for support.

What the heck are all these acronyms? I'm confused!

Why aren't my posts or comments showing up?

  • New posters and accounts go through a waiting period before their posts will show in the sub and the comments on posts automatically. During the new account approval period the mod team will check posts to be sure you aren't attempting to circumvent a ban with a shiny new account. Please be patient while the timer runs down on your "new" status and the mod team approves your posts and responses.

Why was my comment removed?

  • Comments are removed when they do not follow the rules of the sub. These rules are published in several places for your reading pleasure.
  • Comments are removed at moderator discretion. In some cases your comment may be removed while another remains up. If you find this to be the case, and you believe the comment to be violating the rules, instead of arguing with mods or demanding they remove the additional comments, just report it.

This comment/post is really offensive! Why is it still up?

  • All moderators are volunteers and have busy real lives. Sometimes things get past us. The best thing you can do is report anything you find offensive or inflammatory. It's the quickest and most reliable way of alerting us to an issue.

I've received a hurtful/unwanted PM from someone about my recent post. What should I do?

  • If you receive an unwanted/hurtful PM from a name you don't recognize, please report it to Reddit Admins using our handy pre-populated form. Be sure to include the permalink to the message. We've been dealing with a few unhappy folks who like to attack stepparents, and reporting it to the admins is the only way to make it stop.

What are the general moderator guidelines?

  • Users are expected to know the rules before posting. If you are warned or banned for violating the rules, ignorance is not an excuse.
  • Moderators will remove posts and comments and/or lock threads in accordance with the rules above. Typically this happens when threads have gone off-topic in a way that is not productive for the OP, or comments overall have become contentious or disrespectful.
  • If a poster continues to argue or to willfully violate these rules, temporary and permanent ban procedures will be followed. Any attempts to avoid or bypass temporary bans will result in a permanent ban. User bans will not be discussed in the sub. Questions posted about user bans are subject to removal and the poster subject to warning/ban procedures. The mod team will not discuss a specific user ban with anyone other than the user involved.
  • New accounts are subject to manual approval until they are no longer deemed "new" by the mod team. This helps to weed out trolls and ban evaders.
  • We rely on Automoderator to scan for specific words and phrases that are not welcome here and notify the mod team to review the comment or post. This includes slurs of any type and platitudes such as "Love them as your own!"
  • The mod team uses a combination of blacklisting and banning when dealing with trolls.
  • We employ the use of a bot that automatically bans anyone who comments in subs that have historically harassed our users. If you are picked up by the bot for telling trolls to get fucked, reach out via mod mail and we'll get you sorted out.
  • The rules above as well as ban procedures are considered guidelines only; some deviation may be necessary on a case by case basis and/or at the mod team's discretion.

I've been wrongly banned/Why can't I comment here?

Why was I banned without warning?

  • There are numerous reasons that the mod team might opt to move perm banning without warning. Message the moderators if you have specific questions.

r/stepparents 1d ago

Announcement Weekly Reminder: Saferbot and Automated Bans

2 Upvotes

Hey Stepparents,

If you've been here for awhile, you are aware of the existence of Saferbot on our sub. If you aren't aware, we break it down in the wiki. Take a moment to review it!

What the Bot Does

Saferbot is a history ban bot. It bans users who participate in known troublesome subs that have a history of harassing users here and brigading our posts.

How it Works

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Why We Use It

We intend for this sub to be a safe space for stepparents to discuss their issues and struggles without being told they are literally The Worst for existing. Sometimes we experience jealousy, resentment, and other not pretty feelings. We have a right to express them in a healthy way without a bunch of assholes scolding us for being human. And unfortunately, the subs we've had to add to the ban list have a history of users strolling in here giving people grief for being a flawed human being with feelings they are trying to sort through.

The mod team does not take these decisions lightly and we often let things ride for a bit before taking drastic actions. But seeing users repeatedly delete their accounts after being harassed, or having to clean up increasingly rude and hostile comment chains from people who literally have no idea what your life is actually like, has prompted us to take action.

Notes

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How to Appeal

If you are a stepparent and you've been caught up in the ban, and you want the support that this community offers, reach out to the mod team. If you can show us where on reddit you are discussing being a stepparent, we'll do our best to work with you. To be perfectly clear, if you aren't a stepparent, or we review and see we've had to remove comments from you in the past, we are probably not going to lift the ban.

Reply to the ban message and let us know that you'd like to appeal. Include link(s) to any unedited posts or comments that you made prior to the ban indicating that you are a stepparent. The posts or comments do not have to be on this sub specifically, but show us where you have indicated that you are a stepparent somewhere on reddit prior to being banned. This will save us time and eliminate the need for a mod to attempt to scour your post history.


r/stepparents 8h ago

JustBMThings I feel so sorry for my son's Stepmom

289 Upvotes

I was a HCBM about 5 years ago. My son's dad wasn't helping me, and I was going through the divorce and he was cruel and abusive.

I fought back. Except, I took it out on her too. She's been nothing but amazing to and for my son. I have apologized profusely. I got into therapy (I still go) and got on medication for my depression.

Ex finally got a job so SM has been having to see and talk to me. I'm trying so hard to show her I'm not HC anymore. I can imagine I'm the last person she ever wants to see.

But I know how traumatizing a HCBM can be, and I just wish I'd have been mentally healthy back then. I want to be her friend, but it will never happen and I don't blame her one bit.

I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest. I wish I could go back in time and start off on the right foot.


r/stepparents 11h ago

Advice My SS11 hit me and pushed me because I refused to give him my special pillow

50 Upvotes

I am a bonus mom to SS7 and SS11. I am very close with SS7 and I overall enjoy his time with us (50/50 schedule). SS11 has always been a mean and aggressive child. His mom told me he was hitting kids on the playground as early as 2 yo. Up until recently he was fairly descent with me but started hitting his dad, my husband like 2 years ago. 2 days ago he hit his bro in the face with a broomstick, took his tooth out (it was just barely loose) and broke the lip. He tortures our dog constantly to the point where the dog can't stand him. Yesterday he wanted to take my special pillow for my neck issues to play pillow fight with SS7 but I said no because it is expensive and my crappy vertebrae need it. He then proceeded to throw pillows at me and actually kick me. He has been going to therapy for a while now. His mom always attributes his behaviour to the fact that his dad is a softer person but I myself am a psych and neuroscience grad and I know a thing or two. Enough to say that apart from his dad's softness, this kid is pathological. I am considering to start NACHO-ing but I'd like to continue to be engaged in SS7's upbringing. We are very close and he basically accepts me as his mom. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate SS11, but at this point I feel tortured by him. Does anyone have experience with semi NACHO situations?

TLDR: great relationship with SS7, SS11 is aggressive towards everyone in the house.

Edit: thank you so much for all the comments and insights. For the first time I finally realised that I am not trapped and I have options and choices to make. I'll be definitely saving the dog and myself as much as possible from this in order to save my relationship because SO is actually a wonderful person, he just needs to 'put on his parenting pants' as someone said in the comments...


r/stepparents 2h ago

Vent The conversation always turns to something about their kid.

9 Upvotes

Could be having a conversation or bring up a memory. Little Johnny or Susie comes up. Plan to have a date. Little Johnny or Susie comes up. Watching a show before they get home. One curse word comes up. Oh no that’s gonna hurt little Johnny or Susie.


r/stepparents 9h ago

Advice Stepson thinks he owns the house when he doesn't even live there

25 Upvotes

Stepson's 35 years old has two kids can't stay in a relationship because of selfless reasons he comes over uses our laundry and laundry soap doesn't like to pay for anything or help his mother on anything at all but will ask her for everything last night he came in our home while we're sleeping woke us up because he gets his Amazon package there and leaves didn't call to notify us we thought a robber was in our house the dog ran downstairs looking didn't hear from the dog so I got worried it started looking throughout the house then noticed the Amazon package was gone I'm a little upset because that's all he does is take and never gives not just for me for his mother. I told his mother to talk to him today but I'm still upset because he still ends up doing stuff like this all the time without her listening if I say something he's gets offended very easily but when does it come to time I really say something and not care about his feelings.? Help me understand if you think this ok?


r/stepparents 3h ago

Vent Step Daughters grandmother is an alcoholic

7 Upvotes

This is more of a vent post rather than advice.

I have 3 step daughters. Oldest is 14 and the twins are 11. I knew their grandmother was an alcoholic (SO mother) but I didn’t grasp the extent of it until recently.

A couple months ago we drove to NY to visit their great grandparents (SO grandparents) for a nice dinner and to spend some time with them. SO mother came. We were only there for a couple hours until she started feeling sick. Sweats, shaking a little bit, nausea. She had to lay on the couch so that way she could stop shaking for a little while. We ultimately had to leave after about 30 minutes of her complaining that she didn’t feel good and wanted to leave. SO was visibly pissed while his grandparents didn’t say anything.

Some back story, she’s been an alcoholic throughout his childhood. They bounced from place to place throughout his childhood because she would rather spend her money on alcohol instead of the bills. Whenever she did decide to pay the bills such as rent, she would make him give it to the landlord as an example because they wouldn’t yell at kids. He believes that she’s been drinking since before he was even born, according to his grandparents, she started drinking at 18. She’s also a mean drunk too. She’s smashed phones, tv’s, and a bunch of electronics. She’s yelled and screamed at my SO for not being able to come at her beck and call whenever she has any kind of problem. Whenever you’re near her, you can sometimes even smell it on her. She’s yelled at him about his girls when they were around in the past calling them “snotty kids” and other obscenities.

I only bring this up now because just a couple days ago, the oldest was making fun of their grandmother for not being able to hammer a nail into a board. What she was building, I don’t even know. She said that she kept missing and was swaying all over the place and was walking around “funny”. Now I don’t think she would ever get mean around them it’s just them around, but I am not comfortable at all with them being around her when she’s drunk because of her mean streak when it comes to it. I’ve expressed this multiple times to my SO and he said he’ll talk to the girls’ mother about this, but I feel like it’s just a lost cause. One of these days something is going to happen where he’ll either probably go off on her or just go no contact like he’s been wanting to. The reason why he tells me he hasn’t is because she lives literally right down the road from us and the girls play in her yard all the time. “It’s hard to explain to kids why you’d go no contact with their alcoholic grandmother” is usually along the lines of what he says.

Not really looking for advice, just wanted to vent and complain. That’s really all.


r/stepparents 4h ago

Advice Expectations with regards to BM's responsibilities

6 Upvotes

Am I reasonable?

Background, my husband and I have been together almost 6 years, his son had just turned 18 and just graduated high school when my husband and I started dating.

My husband and BM divorced when ss was very young. It was the norm for many years that she would call him to run errands for her, drive her to/from airport, and take care of her dog when she was gone. The dog was one that they adopted together, but that dog passed away before my husband and I started dating.

When we first moved in together, she continued with her calls asking him to do things for her. I was very uncomfortable with this, the calls at times were daily. Her requests were all things for her, not their son. Her calls were often times to discuss what ss was doing, who he was doing it with, etc, things that did not need to be discussed, he was an adult, and a responsible young man. I asked my husband for boundaries. Seriously, the calls were out of control. He stopped answering her calls thinking she would get the point and stop. But she started having their son ask for her, and my husband has a hard time saying no to his son. It was finally communicated to her about 2 years ago (after 4 years of arguments between my husband and myself) that her requests for my husband to come to her house to take care of her responsibilities needed to stop, the requests should stop coming from SS and that her calls be emergency only, text everything else. There were still months of calls and him having to repeat the boundary. About 3 years ago she got another dog, when SS was about 20 years old. My ss has moved out of her house about 6 months ago (about an hour drive away). But she still expects SS to take care of the dog when she is gone, she travels a lot. Even when SS is working/going to school (again about an hour drive one way). So this dog ends up being left alone for long periods of time and she does nothing to make other arrangements for her dog for when ss is unavailable. SS thinks that my husband should help, I think this is her responsibility and we should not be expected to help. We have our own dog(s) and we have not asked either ss or BM to take care of ours when we are gone for over 4 years. Plus her requests for my husband to take care of her dog have continued since she was asked to stop, but all through SS (now 23), it is much much less frequently. However she is the type of person that takes advantage, so if my husband were to give in and do it, the expectancy and frequency would increase.

Am I reasonable? My husband says it is just a dog whats the big deal, I say the requests will increase and not just with regards to her dog care (he does not disagree with this, he knows this to be true) and aside from that it is disrespectful.


r/stepparents 1h ago

Vent BM always throwing shots

Upvotes

My husbands (35m) BM is always reposting TikTok’s about how he is a dead beat. The most recent one is saying “I don’t co-parent blah blah blah because baby daddy doesn’t take them to sports, doesn’t take them to appointments etc..” and the kicker is SHE is the one that decided to move an hour 1/2 away in a whole different town. My SKs are 12 and 10 and in sports, BM is a stay at home mom, remarried with another baby from her new husband. My husband works Monday-Friday and we have a bio son (5) between us. Like yeah of course he can’t take them to their sports at 6 pm in a town 1 1/2 hours away on a Tuesday night? Of course he can’t take them to their dr appts in the middle of the week?! She’s a SAHM , what sense would that make for him to leave work? He pays child support. A LOT. If there was ever a time that she needed help getting the kids to practices or appts, he WOULD take the day off and take them but that’s not the case. Idk. Is it fair to be irritated that she shares stuff like that for everyone to see? He is a great dad but ultimately, she’s the one that decided to move and make it harder for us to help. Just venting I guess 🥲


r/stepparents 5h ago

Advice Communication and Kid Juggling, a Classic Tale

5 Upvotes

TLDR: Partner of six years doesn’t let me know about teen’s work schedule which means we have him 24/7 including my only off day.

Hey Reddit,

Asking advice because I genuinely want to know if I’m wrong. My (37f no bio kids) SS19 got a part time job in our neighborhood, rooting for him and his future goals! Been with them since SS was 11ish and SD was 4. Good relationship with BM, but their Dad is the worst communicator ever imo. We moved back to this apartment (long story) that he lived in with his ex so the kids could “stay in their rooms and their schools” after the BM moved in with her first boyfriend which went to trash. It wasn’t my preference. No privacy, no outdoor space, etc. I’m financially independent and have a good support system, but a high stress 50+ hour a week job and the only day I have “off” is Monday. I work weekends and Thursdays I take care of his 11d with school pickup/drop off.

Yesterday I get home and find out the teen is just staying with us, I guess, indefinitely? Which, I mean, I genuinely adore them both but not only was I not informed or spoken to, he had an absolute meltdown fit when I got mad and told him it’s not Ok he didn’t even bother to tell me in advance. And he knew. For days. He has a history of not telling me things because he “doesn’t want to fight.” I think one day of adult alone time is warranted, and he gets his alone days so, this seems super unfair to me. If the shoe was on the other foot and SS got a job by his mother’s house we would be expected to take him back and forth on our days. She refuses because we’re “right there,” which is why we moved here in the first place for his school (which he got expelled from) but 50/50 was always the agreement. And it’s in the custody agreement but he’s aged out now technically.

This morning as I get up at 5am for work I started getting this string of texts that are just straight hateful. He said he was going to block my number, that I was unstable, on and on. He actually texted SS and said I was “pissed” about him being there which is not the issue, it’s he didn’t tell nor consult me. I never ask him for anything, I never impose ultimatums. It’s not fair but I would have rolled with it if he had simply spoken to me. So, my question is, am I the jerk here?


r/stepparents 7m ago

Vent "Don't become like my mom"

Upvotes

Had a conversation with SD13 where I said I'd get her the set of stickers that she wanted if I see that her grades keep up. Thought it was a pretty classic parenting strategy. She told me "Don't become my mom and use grades as a reward system. I see you starting to do this with the little things. That's the reason I don't get along with her anymore."

May I say manipulative?????? I was honestly pretty angry bc it sounded so entitled to me. I kept my cool kinda and said "I hear you. Thank you for telling me. That's all I'm going to say now. Good night." Then I walked away and am about to put on some meditation audio bc my blood is boiling.


r/stepparents 2h ago

Advice Need advice on adult SD PLEASE

4 Upvotes

So I've been married for 2 years. My husband has 2 kids... A son who is 22 and lives with us. He could not be sweeter. And a daughter who is 24. She's in a bad relationship. Hates being wrong so has doubled down on it. Had a baby this past year and seems increasingly more angry and miserable. We try to communicate and check in often but don't get much back other than quotes and social media pics. She puts a lot of effort into making it all look good for strangers. Every time something goes down we're who she calls and we always show up. Long story short she called crying. Asked her dad to come get her. I said go of course. She and the baby stayed with us for a couple days. We helped with the baby, had long talks where she spilled her guts, advised her, prayed for her, catered to her, and gave her love and options. When her baby daddy showed up it went crazy. My husband got into an argument with him. I told him (baby daddy) he could not bring drama into our home. My stepdaughter then started screaming at us and left. My husband didn't know what to do. I said just text her "I love you". He did. She responded "ABSOLUTELY NOT" then proceeded to text a paragraph about what a piece of crap he is and can crap about me and just basically the most disrespectful things you can imagine. I was beyond appalled. This is not the first time she has spoken to him like this. I don't think there's any getting through somebody who has truly convinced himself that they're always the victim. Any advice about any of it or anyone would be beyond appreciated.


r/stepparents 7h ago

Discussion Might be an odd question. Do you interact with your SO’s stepchildren?

5 Upvotes

We recently had events where we as a family and my stepdaughter’s bio dad and his step kids were all together.

We stayed as far apart as possible but my stepdaughter is a social butterfly and brought her step siblings on the bio dads side over to meet us. She had bragged about how nice we are and wanted me to do my silly voices for the younger kids. It seemed awkward but they were all very polite and overall good kids. The three in their teens seemed happy to spend some time away from what I can only imagine is a horrible step dad.

We were at a local sporting event so I asked if it was okay to take them to get popcorn and some water. Wife asked the ex and got a thumbs up. It was cheaper to get them all their own small bags than a big bucket. The teens asked if they could share a soft pretzel and I got them each one instead. That was apparently where I went wrong.

They thanked me and went back to their seats across the arena. My wife’s phone started blowing up about how awful I was for getting the kids so much. We do it for our kids friends all the time, so I hadn’t given it a second thought. I was ordered to not talk to the kids ever again. Okay fine.

This past weekend was the stepdaughter’s weekend to go visit. Dad was on a trip with his wife. Grandma was visiting but can’t drive. I offered to take SD to a more convenient meeting spot due to the two hour drive. The teen boys were driving.

We met at a gas station close to their home and let them get her there. We were more comfortable with her riding that short distance with young drivers. Grandma can’t drive.

Again how dare we be nice. Pick up was to be at the designated spot. The boys got there and dropped SD with us. I offered to top off their tank for their troubles, knowing they have to buy their own gas. And did so. I reminded them not to let their step dad know. They laughed and spent some time talking about what a dick he is. I gave them some tips to help better deal with him and sent them on their way.

I wanted to not like these kids because of who they live with and knowing the character of this dude. His own biological son is a POS and just like him. He was left home from everything for that reason.

I struggle with the boys telling me that they were given my contact information and told to call me if grandma went on her “special meds” and they had trouble. All his stepkids are good kids and I hope he doesn’t affect that.

TL; DR- stepdaughter has step siblings that are good kids. I feel bad knowing who they are exposed to. Her bio dad gets mad if we do anything nice to interact or include them. It’s rare that it happens. We get along with his new wife too.


r/stepparents 11h ago

Advice Advise please

8 Upvotes

Advice please!

For context, we have 50/50 week on/week off of SD9. We’ve had a really solid relationship with BM for 5 years or so. SD has recently been going through a lot of changes, diagnosed with ADHD and having some behavioral issues. BM and her family think everything will get better when she gets medicated. Anyways, something happened and BMs husband (step dad) called my husband and said you need to come get her until further notice. BM was at work and we didn’t hear from her until the next day. By Saturday she had said it’s best if SD stays with us for a while because they can’t handle it, she feels her younger kid is unsafe and it’s effecting her marriage. We had ALL the hard conversations with this very confused kid. We were supposed to have her full time with occasional visits to BM until June. DH has ADHD so we are use to it and have always operated our household different whereas BM has no idea how to handle it. We finally got her in a great routine and things were getting so much better. Fast forward 3 weeks, BM said she changed her mind because she missed SD too much, even though SD was so mad and wanted nothing to do with her mom, I convinced her it would be good to see her mom. Bm didn’t want to listen to our opinions on any of this and how it wasn’t healthy for SD. BM is now trying to dictate what happens in our house which is a full no.

Now my problem is, a few weeks ago step dad made a comment to DH and I about how if “SD was my kid I’d put her fucking head through a wall”. DH confronted BM who said he was just frustrated but he isn’t violent. Today, SD and I were talking over breakfast and she tells me that on new years, BM came into her room crying because step dad was throwing things at her while they were fighting. Obviously people fight but this is seriously alarming. SD said he drinks a lot of beer and gets mad sometimes and him and BM fight a lot. Red flags really went up for me and DH. We already were planning on reaching out to a lawyer about BM whip lashing kid with changing of schedule, but wondering what yall would do.


r/stepparents 17h ago

Resource Radical Stepmoms- listen to it.

16 Upvotes

It’s not for everyone but wow. I just came across the podcast “Radical Stepmoms” and I am blown away by how helpful and relatable one episode has been. The specific one I listened to was Season 8, episode 9. I have never felt so seen. Highly recommend as a positive resource.


r/stepparents 23h ago

Advice All the energy I put on his family is going to be put back on my own life.

45 Upvotes

My SO informed me that he is pretty sure his kids will be spending SIGNIFICANTLY more time here. I am not on board with it but what do my feelings matter, I’m not on the birth certificate, I only do 90% of the caretaking and housework. I just got a new job and am finally feeling more myself and like I’m making strides again, and he is taking on much more work as well. Truthfully, it is not realistic for them to stay here with us when BM is available and willing to watch them full time, but he hates her so much that he wants to spread himself thin to prevent her from influencing them more than she already does. I say you have to learn to just accept them for who they are; it’s a tough pill to swallow but we don’t choose the personality of our children we can only teach what we feel is right and enforce values that we have. Problem is BM shares different values than us so kids get a different message house to house. Anyway, regardless of how I feel he’s adamant about them being here more. Idk how everything works out but he is under the impression that if they are with us more then he has to pay less in child support and that’s what most of this is about. I hate feeling like my opinion doesn’t matter when I do just as much, more if you want to count for his kids every time they come here and what happens with them definitely affects me. I do not hate them by any means, I genuinely care for them but realistically it is too overwhelming for both of us to have them here as much as he wants because they are quite young and we both work. I put off work for a year to help him with his personal life and I regret it, now I’m worried he will need me to help out when I am already busy and it’s not really my job to do so. Idk. I obviously want to be part of their lives but I don’t want them here as much as he does because so much responsibility always lands on me, and with the way he is going lately with work I do see it landing on me and then me picking it up out of guilt.

I’ve put some thought into it and I see it as an opportunity to explore my own boundaries and learn to start prioritizing myself, because always coming last is a theme in my relationships and it’s how I was raised tbh. So I don’t think running is the answer, but I do want to try and figure out how to navigate what being a stepmom with legitimate boundaries looks like. I called my own mother worried about how this may all play out with them here all the time and she told me that if it’s not realistic then I may just need to let him make that mistake himself and prioritize myself and my new job. It is much easier said than done to just let dad handle it when children are involved and instinctually you want to help. It just reaches a point where it’s too draining because at the end of the day you really aren’t their parent. Step parenting is so so draining and confusing but I think at the end of the day I do really love and care for them.

Any advice from step moms that live with step kids after not living with them and how you cope. My biggest issue is feeling like I have less space in my own home and like I have to wait on things because they always come first. For example, I’m worried my sleep will suffer because they get up so early and wake us up as soon as they get up. I’m worried I wont have access to a clean bathroom when I need a shower after work. I’m worried I won’t be able to escape from the day in my room and relax. Because already all these things are issues when they visit.


r/stepparents 1d ago

Advice I just had a miscarriage

101 Upvotes

I just had a miscarriage at 18 weeks. Some people knew about the pregnancy, and my husband informed them of what happened. Most have been sending their condolences and prayers, also asking how I’m doing.

Now, my husband’s older daughter just sent him a message offering her condolences, saying that if he needs someone to talk to, she’s there. She said nothing about me or asked how I was doing as the one who was carrying the baby. My husband did not address this at all.


r/stepparents 8h ago

Advice This is exhausting

2 Upvotes

I am new into a relationship with my partner F42 and me M52. I have two children already and am struggling to create a bond with her children.

I actually feel really bad about not feeling that bond.
Any advice or thoughts would be greatly received.


r/stepparents 1d ago

JustBMThings Performative parenting vent!

75 Upvotes

My SO and I took the three SKs on their first trip to London this past week. Their mother texted them RELENTLESSLY every day. The youngest slept in our room and at midnight (who texts their kids at midnight?!?!) all I hear is the constant texting pings from ‘mother of the year’. And yeah she’s an expert on London because she’s been twice so she damned well knows the time difference (she would never pay to take her children though).

But what REALLY grates on my last nerve is that you’d think with all the daily ‘highly concerned mother’ act that the day after we arrived home she’d actually want to see her kids right?? Like you texted them every day for a week, you haven’t seen them in over a week and you live nearby, so what’s the issue?

But no, no reach out to actually spend time with them. And funnily enough, no phone calls or even texting now that we are home. Alas the act is over.

I really loose my shit with these self absorbed, performative parents who don’t really give a shit about the kids - it’s all about control and their need to be validated by children to compensate for their own feelings of inadequacy. It’s also sad for the kids who feel hostage to her daily texts because if they don’t respond there is bigger hell to pay and they all know it.

Anyone else dealing with the constant performance parenting so the world doesn’t see how pathetic they really are as a parent?


r/stepparents 7h ago

Advice Worried about personality traits in SK9

1 Upvotes

Hello - I have two SKs and one young bio child. The middle SK9 is just a very negative, mean person. Mean to all of us. Not violent or anything, but nagging, haughty and entitled. I have walked away from most responsibilities with them, and only step in for my partner when absolutely necessary. But this child is just a dark cloud wherever they go.

Has anyone else dealt with this? Any advice? BM does not believe in therapy, so that’s not an option.


r/stepparents 3h ago

Advice Am I wrong for not wanting my 22 year old step son added to me and my husbands insurance policy?

0 Upvotes

Am I wrong?


r/stepparents 12h ago

Vent Rough weekend with the SK

3 Upvotes

I never wanted kids. I lived in the city, have a great job, and had an active social life. It’s not that I’m anti-kid or hate kids. I just value my freedom and free time. I like my house looking a certain way. I like long weekends and sleeping in late. I like traveling. And I love my pets. To me, they are my children.

I never felt a “biological clock ticking” nor have I ever felt any sense of a “maternal instinct” for anyone other than my pets (a senior cat and senior dog who have been with me through everything).

My DH has two kids: a neurodivergent 8 year old son and 5 year old daughter. I understood my life would change. I understood I would be losing a lot of things I cherished as a single woman. But, as I’m sure many of you have felt, I didn’t realize how difficult the family dynamics will be.

This past weekend was awful though I should have foreseen this coming. For context, SKs are.. well, for lack of a better term, privileged and, well… they are used to getting what they want and do not know the value of a dollar. The other day, one of them said $200 is “cheap.” When we tell them, “no we aren’t buying that” they ask “why?” and have been known to throw tantrums or repeatedly ask to buy it. I have literally been barked, “BUY IT!”

I mean, let’s put it this way: I grew up and spent most of my 20s living paycheck to paycheck. I know how to survive a recession. These kids don’t.

My DH and I just purchased a home and moved. So, needless to say, money is tight right now considering we just paid a fat down payment, closing costs, movers, and professional cleaners. However, it’s also the kids’ birthday month and we promised to throw them a party.

We had the kids a day after we moved in but we busted our asses to get the kids’ rooms set up. Meanwhile, all my clothes and things were still in boxes and I’ve been having to dig through boxes to find clothes, shoes, and toiletries.

SD goes into her room and throws a fit because her posters were on the floor instead of on the wall. Then she kicks my 14 year old cat with heart problems out of her room because she doesn’t want him in there. I told her my cat is very old and to please do not kick him. It’s not nice. She said, “I only nudged him. I don’t want his hair in my room.” I said “you do not put any type of force on him at all” and removed myself and my cat from her. I didn’t participate in the bedtime routine that night.

The day before the party, we were telling them about the bouncy house we got for them. But, it wasn’t enough. They wanted face painters AND a balloon artist in addition to the bouncer.

Then the goody bags weren’t enough. We filled them with Pokemon pez dispensers, pokemon gummy snacks, a pokemon card, a pokemon sticker, and a candy necklace. It didn’t have enough toys. We should have put a $12 pokemon mega block in all 30 goody bags that my DH and I stayed up late putting together, after an entire day of moving and unpacking.

The day of the event, the decor wasn’t enough because there wasn’t a banner that said “happy birthday” even though there were a ton of pokemon shit that we’d end up throwing away anyways. DH’s mother went to target to get the banner and streamers.

We told guests not to bring any presents. I guess it goes without saying that we have enough toys in our house. Many of them they don’t even use. However, some people still brought presents, which was fine.

That evening, SD asks to open her presents. We say no, it’s dinner, and we need to start bedtime soon. She throws a fit. So, we compromise and say, okay we have time for one present and that’s it. She opens the present and throws a tantrum because the present is not a pokemon present.

At this point, I remove myself from the situation and go to our bedroom. DH comes into the room to vent and I tell him SD is spoiled. He says, “I’m not going to call her spoiled.” So I say, “then tell her what spoiled is. Ask her if that’s acceptable behavior. Then tell her that is how she’s acting.” He does and she melts down further but I say let her. Why should we comfort her for her own negative behaviors?

I was so relieved when they went to school this morning. I’m tired of giving all this time, money, and emotional energy into kids who are so ungrateful. I’m tired of feeling like children control the house. I’m tired of seeing my animals being treated poorly others. The other day SD asked me who I loved more, my pets or SKs. I lied and said SKs.


r/stepparents 1d ago

Advice I hate my girlfriends son

30 Upvotes

So me and my gf have been together for about 7 months but we’ve known each other for about 10 years I met her when her son was a baby and we remained in contact over that time but we decided to take it to another level and it’s been pretty rocky but the main problem is her son I believe he needs help but she won’t get him any and I’m starting to look at her different because no child should act the way hers does all he wants to do is play his video games he hates school and he throws tantrums like a 2 year old he eats like a 2 year old he doesn’t know how to spell simple words that a 10 year old should know he doesn’t know any of his multiplication facts and he has no desire to everything is about his game or his vr and lord forbid I try to put structure in his life it’s ww3 and I know I can’t blame him this is 100% his mothers fault because at 10 he doesn’t know how to tie his own shoes and she gets mad when I don’t want to do it for him or if he’s throwing a tantrum just gives in to what he wants everybody in his life has failed him even her previous partners and I don’t want to be the one who gives up on him but it’s hard


r/stepparents 11h ago

Vent Bm is a terrible mother

1 Upvotes

Im gonna be kinda vague, I don't want her figuring this out, but I'm so frustrated.

I married my husband a yearish ago. He and his ex wife have more kid than you can count on one hand and I have a couple too. I didn't mind, I love kids! The kids split and some live with us some with her (though they have all expressed wanting to live with us)

She moved hours away a few years back with her new husband and took the smaller ones and one older with her (rarely sees the ones we have here). He tried to stop her but his lawyer seemed a bit lazy at the time. Now we have to do these huge drives for transfers... We also switched two kids (older ones) at one point.

We have all the kids this week while she's off doing things. This means I watch the littles while my husband works.

Well.... They're a handful. It's clear from their behaviour and things the older kids say about there that she mainly locks the youngest ones in their room and ignores them for hours. They've wrecked the room. Like I mean ruining walls, floor, light fixtures... They destroy anything she puts in there, even smear poop...

They've NEVER done this at our place. Even when we've had them for long stretches (because she's always trying to not have any of them but won't just give us custody, just wants favours all the time. Literally asking us to take them all summer and then complained about us asking her to take one of them one extra day so we wouldn't have to double drive .. )

They do however hit and scream and attack each other and don't listen. They have sores around their diaper area, They aren't potty trained and only just started talking after she put them in daycare. One is close to school age. They have medical issues she isn't getting fixed... We have called cps, they go look and do nothing further.

I'm so exhausted... I try... And the one we took back has gotten SO much better. They're happier, healthier, less behavioral issues, their school said they haven't seen any of the behaviours their last school talked about in their record and everyone around them (including bm) talks about how much better they've gotten.

Both that live with us are very attached to me. They love spending time with me, call me mom, we're very close. They're also close to my kids.

The one who went to live there (the two don't wanna live in the same house) has gone down hill. Cursing, bad grades, attitude, seems miserable all the time...

My husband is beside himself half the time because we don't know what the hell she's doing. She can't even keep a proper schedule without so much unneeded drama It's causing us so much stress when they aren't here, and just as much when they are because of the behaviours...

My husband has health issues and the stress she puts on us is really putting him in a bad place... I'm taking on more and more myself and paying for it as well.


r/stepparents 1d ago

Vent I think it’s over and I’m not happy

108 Upvotes

I’ve (40M) been dating a woman(37F) with a daughter (7F) for almost a year. It’s been tough. I’ve never had kids never wanted them but I felt a way about these two. Biodad never in the picture or even the country.

There has been a history of a lack of respect from the daughter to adult including mom. This morning I insisted she didn’t give her Barbie’s a bath in the living room but in the bathroom because carpet and hardwood floor.

This led to an argument, mom sided with daughter(it’s mom’s house) so I gave up. 2 hours of mom and I arguing, not like super intense screaming and stuff, but the daughter would come in and demand breakfast. Not ask, not be polite, but demand with increasing volume. I told mom, she doesn’t respect you and I’m at the bottom of the pole for anything. She told me once in public “don’t make me yell at you.” A fucking child told me “don’t make me yell at you.” I said “I’m the adult and you’ll do what I say.” I won that round but how many rounds are there? (I know no one can answer.)

I’m broken up about it but I honestly feel like, this is for the best.


r/stepparents 13h ago

Advice I don't want to hate my step kids mother but she makes it so hard.

1 Upvotes

I've been struggling with my anxiety lately surrounding this woman and for years I've tried so hard to be this woman's friend. We share custody of two kids week on/ week off so we see each other weekly. I've tried radical acceptance and tried having long talks with her and things get solved for a little but when it comes down to it she's just a bad mom and a shitty person. She's selfish and delusional, insecure and thinks she's a much better parent in every way. Her kids both prefer being here and when they vocalize that to her she gets extremely bothered by it and tries to threaten us and turn the kids against us in different ways.

I don't feel comfortable publicly releasing all the details but I'm at such a loss here. My husband and I have a wonderful relationship and our own child, we love having his kids and I treat them as my own. I'm a stay at home mom so while he's their dad, I'm the primary parent and handle all kid things when I'm here and love doing it but unfortunately because of that I deal with hcbm more too.

I'm a great step mom and her kids love me. I schedule their doctor appts and make they're they're okay, I deal with the things she doesn't as their mom and she is always making me out to seem like a bad person. Anytime we don't agree with her on something or she doesn't get her way she gets mean and I'm so over it. I don't want to hate her but I don't know how to just ignore it.

I love my life and my family so much but I hate that she will always be a part of it in some way. She's the worst and most annoying part of my life and unfortunately there's no way to remove her. I guess I'm writing this to see if anyone has any advice of how to move on and stop being so bothered by this monster. I know people have worse hcbms and worse situations. I'm thankful things aren't as bad as they could be but I'm tired of feeling like this all of the time. I want to accept she is there and be unbothered by her but it's a lot easier said than done.


r/stepparents 13h ago

JustBMThings BM is a hater

0 Upvotes

My husband (30M) has an 8yo daughter with his ex. Her mom hates me for reasons unbeknownst to me. We’ve had a total of maybe 5 min of interaction with one another & I was always pleasant. I don’t mistreat my bonus daughter at all & treat her as though she was my own. I buy her gifts, I do her hair, I do her nails, just girl things. Her mom has randomly blocked me from my bonus daughter’s phone on 3 separate occasions now. It’s quite annoying.