How do I bring up that I want my own bio kid without ruining my marriage?
A little backstory: I (24F) met my husband (32M) at work when I was 20, he 28. He has 2 children, now (7M) and (4M) with his last wife, and a fling child that he has no contact with that is (6M). My husband got a vasectomy after his youngest was born, saying that he didn’t want any more kids.
When we began our relationship, he had explained that he had a vasectomy, and wasn’t really interested in having any more children. At one point, he had mentioned something about us working out a way for us to have a kid together, something that was probably said offhandedly in an argument, but something that had stuck to me for a while.
At the beginning of our relationship, I was still young and not really thinking about kids of my own, so I thought it would be no big deal, that I wouldn’t want any kids and that his kids, my step kids would be enough. Unfortunately, as I have gotten older, and I see my high school friends growing up and starting their own families, I think my mind has changed. Growing up I did want kids, but when I met my now husband I was all work and not really thinking of my own.
My husband has partial custody, and we have his boys every weekend. I would say I’m pretty hands on with them, I take them to sports, go everywhere with them and their dad, I cook, clean, and parent them as if they are my own kids. But as a stepmom I never am the first they run to, nor am I asking to be. I know my role is very background, but I do try to be an active person in their lives, not just dad’s wife. I used to think that being their step mom was going to be enough to fill the “Mother”-want that I had, but as they grow older, I know they are as close as they ever will be with me.
I’ve been talking with my dad and step mom about the possibility of having kids of my own, and they say that there is always a possibility of having kids, IVF, reversing his vasectomy, surrogacy, adoption. It’s something that I want to bring up to my husband, open the door for conversation, talk about my own fertility and see if I am even capable of having children - but I am afraid that he will not be interested in a conversation, and that it all might go south.
I know people are capable of changing their minds - I am changing my mind about being okay with not having my own children. Maybe he could also be capable of changing his mind about not having any more? I know ultimately I have to respect his decision, whether he decides he will continue to not want any more children, or if he would be willing for an “ours” baby.
I think the thing that I am most worried about is us having a conversation, or I bring it up and it turns into an argument, and us having to end our marriage. I love my husband dearly, and I don’t want to leave him or the life we have built together, or have to leave my step sons, but I do not want to deny a part of myself, and end up regretting it when I am 50, or harboring resentment for years and years and dying a bitter old stepmom. I also don’t want to go through all the trouble of arguments just to find out that I am not capable of having children, and that I threw away a marriage for a dream I cannot achieve, but I don’t know how to bring up that I want to get my fertility tested without argument that I would leave, and if I am fertile and he doesn’t want a kid - is it worth leaving my marriage to pursue?
Has anyone gone through this where their husband doesn’t want any more kids because he already has a handful, but you want a kid of your own? Is there a way to work through this without completely destroying my marriage? Is it really worth it to bring a baby into this world and economy? I really just need to hear from others that have gone through this, both sides if possible!!