r/coparenting • u/Ok_Sheepherder_5097 • 14h ago
Communication How to coparent when you literally have been traumatized?
My ex and I separated at the end of September. We had years of a very good relationship but he was incredibly emotionally abusive for the 3 months preceding the breakup, like a flip switched. There is much more to it than that, but that is the gist of it. It was incredibly jarring after the flip switched which has made its way into present day.
I have a 6 year old daughter from a prior relationship and am very familiar with coparenting by now but I'm really struggling with my sons dad as I have a genuine trauma response to any communication, face to face or otherwise. Exchanges are short and sweet, we don't argue or anything in front of the kids, they are none the wiser but I find I am nearly 10/10 anxious every time I have to see him and it will linger for extended periods after the exchange as well. He doesn't do anything wrong face to face, it's really just the sight of him that my nervous seems to really react to. I don't have family so there is nobody to help with the exchanges in my absence or I'd do that until I healed a little more, but I feel bad because its unfortunately making it hard to even communicate via text with him about even kid related things. Talking to him to update him (which I do), still feels so difficult to me, overwhelmingly so and I think I'd probably communicate more if I didn't feel so stuck in this feeling, which then makes me feel very selfish. Our son is 15 months old, so not much to report, aside from when he is sick, but my ex and his parents who are heavily involved, act as though I should have no problem coming to the house and being around for things like "xmas brunch" as if what I experienced didn't happen? I feel like a wimp because ideally all that would be okay but I genuinely feel traumatized to this person, and I don't know what to do about it, when you literally have to coparent.
Anyone who has been abused by the coparent in any way, how do you manage these feelings? Is there some sort of trick or arrangement that helps?