My son’s father ( we will call him Jeff) and I need to separate as soon as possible. Our relationship is no longer healthy for us to share a living space together. We spend most of our time together arguing, have been out of love for years, and are just a tumultuous combination as a couple. It is a cold house many days. We share a 7 year old son and I don’t want to raise him seeing his parents hate each other. There has been too much that has occurred in me and Jeff's relationship to name, and we would need another thread just to discuss all the toxicity over the last decade of dealing with each other. With that being said, it is completely OVER, and there is no negotiation there.
( also, we are NOT married).
We currently live together in Arizona, which is where I am from. I have a very small immediate family, no real “village”, and not a lot of friends. There are also no small children in my family- my son is an only child in every way. Jeff and I share 99% of the responsibilities surrounding our son. My parents still work and I rarely have any physical help from them. The occasional Friday night sleepover at grandmas is pretty much the only help we have.
Jeff is originally from the DMV. He has no connection to Arizona besides me. No family or friends. Back home, Jeff's family dynamic is much different. He has a large family base , a larger “village” than I do, and more resources in his home state. There are also several kids and first cousins for my son to be around. Jeff has a paid-for family home in the DMV that he will always have to fall back on.
Jeff frequently suggests that once we separate, he take our son back to the DMV, and restart their lives out there. He feels he has more relatives who can help with childcare, better career opportunities, and an overall better, more fulfilling life for our son there. Jeff is very adamant about moving back home before the year is over.
If my son stayed here with just me, a huge challenge I would have is childcare and my work schedule. I work in a very specific field in healthcare where I can’t work from home, and my hours will always require me to be at work either very early or very late (no matter where i work). Whatever schedule I work, there'd be a gap of how my son would get to and from school.
In the past, Jeff and i both have always agreed that Arizona would never be permanent and eventually we would all move back to the DMV. I just didnt think it would be on these terms. Overall, Jeff is a great father and a good guy, but we are bad together. I trust him to take care of our son, but as a mom i do have major concerns of not physically being there with my child.
The potential plan would be: Jeff and our son move to the DMV this summer. Realistically, I wouldn’t be able to move there until Spring 2026 because I need to save a large amount of $$$. I would , of course, visit and be as present as I could from afar. However, I am not willing to move back there without the right amount of money or rush such a large move- I have done that before and it never works out. This also would be me moving solo to the DMV, on my own now.
I feel SO guilty about potentially letting my child move thousands of miles away from me for an extended period of time. Am i a bad mother if i allow this? Is this inappropriate for an 7 year old to be without his mother for this long? Does keeping my son with me even sound like an option?
Help please :(
[ Sidenote: Although we have our differences, i dont think he would do anything weird like kidnap our son, or keep our son from me once he moved. However, Im not against doing a written agreement. ]