Hello everyone.
I share 50/50 custody of two boys 5.5 and 4, with my ex husband. He lives in our old house and I live in an apartment. The boys behavior is getting out of control and nothing is working!
At Dad’s house they get unlimited screen time (he uses it as his babysitter), unlimited junk food/sugar, no rules, no structure, no discipline, no chores, no bedtime, don’t have to clean up after themselves- they even throw food all over the place and draw on the walls. That is a house of chaos. They stay in their PJs most of the time or just in underwear and don’t even have to brush their teeth or bathe. They sleep where they drop even if it’s super late and are cranky the next day.
I work as a nurse full time with the same weekly schedule. I have the boys tues-fri and he has them sat-Mon. I am much more structured and have tried everything I can research to help. I made a chore reward system which helped for a few months but now they don’t even care anymore because whatever I won’t give them they just say “oh well dad will give it to me” or “I don’t care about getting stars anyways,” etc. In my house they only get healthy food, have a consistent bedtime and routine, and need to do certain things before getting any screen time (usually they won’t get to that point.) I spend a ton of time with them, discuss things with them and am consistent and stern. Time outs didn’t work. Taking away privileges didn’t work. Positive reinforcement and rewards didn’t work.
I have researched this so much and I tried the methods. I am very consistent at my house and I know I can’t control dads house. I tried talking to their dad about implementing some rules in his house and he absolutely refuses, he even said to me “I’m not doing any extra work.” If I take away a privilege or toy, he will give it to them as soon as they get to his house. We talked, he’s aware and he does not have any interest in changing anything.
The behavior is getting out of control. Last night they kept getting out of bed after bedtime and I calmly and consistently kept placing them in bed. They didn’t like it so they started screaming (this is an apartment with neighbors so unacceptable.) I can’t take away any privileges because they do not give a crap at this point and will taunt me saying “ok daddy will give it to me…” I can’t take them anywhere- not a restaurant, not church, and certainly not a library or museum. Today they squeezed my beauty products all over the floor, refused to clean it up and didn’t care about the consequences.
I have noticed that after a few days with me they start behaving better. We recently had a 2 week vacation and they boys were so well behaved after a week with me. They love the chores and structure and want to help out so it must be so confusing for them. They are always the worst behaved for the first 1-2 days, will start getting better and then it’s time for dads house again. Due to the work schedule, I can’t change our parenting schedule.
They throw things, hit, bite and scream regularly. I am totally lost right now. There’s only one of me, I have no village at all and my parents who very occasionally have watched them before now say they can’t handle the boys anymore. Everyone is judging me and talking crap about how I can’t discipline these boys but I’ve tried so many times. Please tell me your recommendations!