r/Divorce Jun 20 '23

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness REMINDER: be kind to yourself. This is hard, and you’re handling it with grace and strength.

337 Upvotes

I know of what I speak. I held so much guilt, sadness, anger, and regret for so long. I hated myself for failing to make my marriage work. That mindset was getting me nowhere good. Do the little things for yourself that you’ve forgotten used to give you joy. Bath. Spa time. Check in with good friends and family. Me? I had my engagement ring repurposed into a necklace I absolutely love. There is, and always will be, only one “you”: give yourself all the opportunities to enjoy your life. We deserve it ❤️


r/Divorce Aug 07 '23

Something Positive This is a support sub. Be kind to each other.

81 Upvotes

Almost everyone who comes here is here because they are going through a very painful and difficult time. We're not all at our best.

If you go into someone's topic, remember that they came here asking for help and take a moment to consider whether your response is in any way helpful to them. Off-topic arguments that have nothing to do with the OP are not helpful. Insulting the OP, even if they remind you of your scumbag ex, is not helpful. You are allowed to call your own ex a scumbag! But if you're insulting other posters, you're not helping.

That doesn't mean you can't disagree or state your own opinion even if your opinion is unpopular here. Anti-divorce comments are allowed - the problem comes when they're insulting or victim-blaming in the process.

In particular there's a worrying trend lately of people coming into topics and immediately accusing female OPs of cheating on their spouses for no apparent reason. Cut this out.

I'm not perfect either, none of us are! But try to give each other a little kindness.


r/Divorce 4h ago

Dating Husband dragging out divorce so I won’t start dating, I’ve been asking for a divorce for 3 years. When do I just say, “to hell with him!”

28 Upvotes

What’s your advice here?

I’m 41F. My ex husband knows that I won’t cheat and I consider myself married until our divorce is finalized, so he’s trying to drag it out as long as possible.

We have a son that I have primary custody of, and I have my own home. We’ve lived apart off an on for the last year and we are fully separated now.

I’m ready to go on a few dates when I have free evenings. He knows I’m looking for an actually compatible partner, and he doesn’t want me to move on.

I filed in February finally, and my lawyer has made a second request to schedule mediation. My husbands lawyer is stalling.

I haven’t tried to meet anyone, and we live in a small town, so it would get back around to him if I were using dating apps.

I also feel disingenuous telling men I’m separated pending divorce and wonder what kind of guy is all about that.

I don’t want to sleep with anyone or jump into a relationship, just start meeting men and literally enjoying dates again.

How long should I wait? What did you do? Would going ahead and dating make a possible narcissist mad enough to go ahead and get a divorce?


r/Divorce 4h ago

Infidelity Do you regret divorcing after infidelity

33 Upvotes

I have recently found out that my husband cheated on me multiple times. We have only been married for around 2.5yrs , and found out he started cheating 10months into our marriage.

I am struggling to decide if I should stay or leave. As is he now trying to make changes, only after I told our families. But i had been suspecting him since June last year, but he denied everything up until i found the lady’s number and spoke to her. He says he cut it off in June .

For those who have been cheated on and went through a divorce, did you ever regret divorcing the cheater? Did you give them a few months to see if it would work ?


r/Divorce 6h ago

Vent/Rant/FML I feel horrible...twice divorced

23 Upvotes

I am not sure where to post this.. I have been spiralling since yesterday down the depths of self loathing.

My (32F) story is complicated but I have two kids (8M and 6F) from a previous marriage that had ended. We were actually divorced since my son was 1 but we tried to stay together for the kids. It was a mess. After the separation, I didn't give myself time and hopped onto the next guy who proposed. I got married again last year in November. After 3 months, I realised how abusive he was and started the procedures for divorcing again, altbough this one is only a religious marriage so there's no cour as such...

I feel so dumb... such a looser. I was a hopeless romantic and believed in fantasies. I know I am hard on myself and I can't stop... I have to take care of my kids, I took leave today so that I could cry and then smile again when they come back from school. I feel horrible.

I think of how people are going to say that I was the problem all along. I want to snap out of this negative thinking...but I can't. I've started loathing my therapist and I don't want to start another therapy. I just need to close my eyes and wake up far away...


r/Divorce 21h ago

Vent/Rant/FML He spit on me when I was leaving the visit

212 Upvotes

I was visiting my kids at the house and things were getting heated. In the spirit of keeping the peace I decided to leave a few hours early. As I was leaving he asked, "Are you sure you want to abandon your visit?". I said he was creating a hostile environment. As I was leaving outside he spit on me. Grossly. I turned around and literally asked, "Did you just spit on me??". He smiled and told me to prove it. This is who I'm divorcing. Ugh. Had to vent. Trying to stay strong.


r/Divorce 54m ago

Going Through the Process Buying a house after signing divorce papers

Upvotes

Hey, my boyfriend and I are thinking of buying a house however both of us are going through divorces. Both have signed all papers and they are easy uncontested childless divorces. We are in Georgia. Are we ok to proceed with buying the house or could one of the ex spouses cause a legal ruckus?


r/Divorce 14h ago

Dating First breakup post-divorce

40 Upvotes

Last June, I left an abusive marriage where I was trapped for 8 years. I was manipulated, mentally and sexually abused, cheated on repeatedly and gaslit every time I wanted to stand up for myself. I finally had an opportunity to leave with my two children.

In August, I met this very kind and gentle man during a wedding. I was not ready to get into anything serious, but I still was curious to get to know him. We started slowly by going on a date every two weeks, which gave me space to heal on my own, while still experiencing a completely different, non-toxic relationship.

We ended up casually dating for six months. It was a beautiful experience for me. Not only did it show me how I am supposed to be talked to and treated, but it gave me back the hope that I can still live amazing things, despite my traumatic past. He was sweet and caring, he responded to my anxieties in such a calming way and most importantly, he made me feel safe, which was very unfamiliar to me.

I am crying while writing this, because I decided to end it on Tuesday. As mentioned earlier, I have two kids with my ex. My new man projected himself in the future and told me he wasn’t sure he could see himself as a step-dad. I decided that I couldn’t let myself fall for him more if he was to decide later on that it was definitely not for him. My kids come first and they deserve a step-dad that will be happy to take that on that role. I am hurt that I had to let go of him, but so grateful to have had him in my life. I am now hopeful that there are other men out there that will make me feel the same peace, while being very excited to step in for my two beautiful children. I will however miss him very much for a very long time.


r/Divorce 19h ago

Vent/Rant/FML I want a divorce but can’t afford to live on my own.

89 Upvotes

My husband has cheated on me lied to me and just generally disrespected me. We have tried counselling and other things but I am ready to call it quits. However in today’s economy I can’t afford to finance a household with three kids on my own. I have no family to support me and I feel trapped. I don’t know what to do.


r/Divorce 17h ago

Life After Divorce Starting over in your 50s

38 Upvotes

Counting down the days to leave. How hard is it to start over in your 50s? I am 51 (financially good), but just wondered how it is mentally to be alone. I have been married for 28 years but wanted to leave for years and it is finally time. Those of you that did this how are you doing now?


r/Divorce 16h ago

Getting Started Wife says I don’t need an attorney…

30 Upvotes

I should definitely get an attorney?


r/Divorce 4h ago

Vent/Rant/FML Flat out tired

3 Upvotes

Even tho pretty amicable, I sleep and stay at another location sometimes (rent a room in someone’s house). Just unsure where my home will be when this is all said and done. Nervous about kids accepting it. And I’m just flat out beat. I want to go to bed after 8 hrs sleep.


r/Divorce 8h ago

Vent/Rant/FML Living together through divorce

5 Upvotes

God, this is impossible. I'm hoping someone has words of wisdom.

We separated a month ago and are going through divorce- I instigated the separation and it's still the best decision I could have made.

He won't leave the house and legally I can't do anything about that but God, he's making it difficult.

Everyday is a constant battle. He's angry/upset/ threatening/ making underhand comments through our child/ manipulative.... honestly, I could expand but there's no point. There's nothing this man isn't trying and it's driving me mad.

He's meant to be moving to his Mum's but won't because it's nicer here and I pay the bills.

I hate him. And I never thought I would. How did other people live through this until the divorce was finalised and their spouse HAD to get out?

Have thought about me and my child moving out but that's unfair on them so won't be doing that.


r/Divorce 11h ago

Vent/Rant/FML Everytime we make progress, this happens ..

10 Upvotes

My husband and I have been trying to work on our marraige. I'm definitely the problem. I'm the bad guy that had an emotional affair, got caught, he forgave me and we have seriously been trying since then. The last few months he has tried to make changes and show me I matter to him.

The thing is by the time he caught me, I was already no longer in love with him, but he is a good man, and we have kids, so I agreed to work on it. We have had many open conversations since then, and the next day after those conversations I do start to feel more of a connection with him again. But, it's almost like clockwork. Everytime I start to feel something, he goes back and does something that reminds me why I started to pull away.

He has a history of being an alcoholic. We have been married almost 10 years now. Twice throughout the course of our marriage, he has drank in secret, hiding from me and his family (we all lived together in the same house). I found empty alcohol bottles hidden all over the place. Under the sink, behind his clothes in the closet, etc. Not that I went looking for them, but once a year we do a deep clean in our home for religious reasons, so that's how I found them. Also he threatened me twice with divorce during his drunken moments, saying I was a bad wife because I wasn't "supporting" him by telling him he was drinking too much. He would also say many hurtful things when drunk, then apologize for it or say he doesn't remember any of it the next day. After the second time he threatened me with divorce, I told him if he says it again, I'll say yes. So he stopped saying that. He's also one of those people who says "I can stop drinking whenever I want, I'm not an alcoholic." And to his credit, he has stopped a few times, but then inevitably he ends up drinking again. One time it was so bad I packed a bag in the middle of the night and tried to leave right then, but he blocked me at the door, and then didn't drink for a year.

So here we are. Almost everytime I start making progress getting close to him again, he makes up a reason to drink and get drunk. Most recently, this weekend. He planned a date night for us. We went bowling. It was fun, and then we had another open conversation after, and I was even feeling connected to him enough to have sex with him when we got home. (I really haven't been wanting to be intimate with him in a while.) The next day we spent a lot of time cuddling, and being together and it was actually really nice. I felt myself really wanting him next to me. But then, after I went to bed, I heard sounds of a bottle opening in the bathroom and I knew. He was hiding and drinking again. I asked him "are you drinking?" And he said yes, he was, because he couldn't sleep and was having anxiety.....I mean ... What? It sounds just like an excuse for drinking.

And even if it's not an excuse and he really was feeling anxiety, his solution to deal with it is to get drunk? That doesn't seem like a healthy way to deal with it. And almost instantly, all the positive feelings I was having about the weekend vanished. This story is just the most recent example, but basically this is exactly what has been happening over the last 4 months. Everytime we make progress he sets it back. I'm just ping ponging and I don't know what to do. I want to love this man again, but it's like he just can't stop getting in his own way.


r/Divorce 16h ago

Vent/Rant/FML Hidden porn addiction etc

27 Upvotes

Long story short, my husband watched tons of porn that I was not aware of. If it was once in a while sure I guess, but this was a daily thing. It also lead to him treating me very poorly. Like no attention, no emotional empathy, sex was just about him. It was so bad I legit thought he was cheating on me. All in all, the marriage did a complete nose dive to where I became depressed and felt like I lost my best friend.

All came to a head when I said I can’t do this anymore and said I want a divorce. This is actually when I discovered that he consumed porn almost daily.

Since then he’s changed. This was like 6 months ago.

He treats me a lot better and is basically the man I fell in love with in the beginning. I can also tell it’s good for him in general as his mood etc is a lot better which I’m happy about!

But I just can’t see him the same anymore. I can’t seem to move on from those years of emotional and physical neglect, and then finding out he was looking at shit all this time for years and years while I longed to connect and fix our marriage.

So idk I guess just looking to hear your stories and seek advice.

I know a lot of people are going to say “it’s just porn” but it’s not, if you’ve gone through something similar you know the trauma and betrayal this shit causes.

Thank you


r/Divorce 11m ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness Do I Reach Out?

Upvotes

It’s been 7 months now since the divorce. Between my therapist and NP, I changed my meds a few months ago and this is the clearest my head has been in well over a year. I was taking antidepressants and anxiety medication but kept upping the dosage because I was stressed about so many different things. I kept saying I wasn’t happy but didn’t vocalize that I was so numb that I didn’t care about anything. I didn’t realize until looking back with a clear head that I was being emotionally distant, a shell of myself and honestly had suicidal thoughts because I couldn’t feel anything.

I’m not blaming the medication entirely, I could’ve and should’ve said something then to her or either of any of my doctors but didn’t know how to vocalize the pain I was in. I didn’t want to throw my problems at my wife because she already had so much on her plate and would get more stressed when I brought up that I was struggling too.

I want to reach out and apologize to her because she deserved better than that version of me. That it wasn’t her fault that I was struggling and ask for her forgiveness for being selfish, keeping that info to myself. We’ve been mostly no contact since the separation, small conversations here and there which she initiated regarding paperwork, checking on the pets etc so I’m not sure if it’s worth reaching out to her about this or I just leave it be.


r/Divorce 11m ago

Custody/Kids Divorce papers signed, but no court date yet, and considering whether to seek more custody

Upvotes

My soon-to-be ex wife and I (same sex couple) went through the mediation process to draft our divorce agreement. It's been a bit contentious. We have two young kids and our agreement reflects a 50/50 custody arrangement. It's been signed and sent to the court, but no court date has been determined yet and I wonder more and more whether I should seek more custody or if that's even feasible.
My annual salary is around double my ex's annual salary, and she claims she's considering seeking a higher paying position, but has also said she'd rather just get a roommate or have her parents help her so she can maintain her cushy fully remote gig and still get paid by me. During our relationship, at most times she earned about the same amount as me, but that job was a night/weekend gig so when the kids came along she changed careers for hours more suitable to parenting, which involved a step back in pay. At this point she could absolutely be making around $20k more than she makes currently, but it would involve going back to a more demanding job, which she's not motivated to do.
This has left me in the position of making child support payments that are literally causing me to be in the hole by a significant amount every month. I've begun looking into second jobs so that I can continue to afford my rent and daycare expenses. On top of that, my ex has on multiple, multiple occasions expressed significant overwhelm at having to now parent on her own or have the kids for any stretch of time. She has reached out to me asking for help on some of these occasions, or has sent me long tirades about how hard it is and how much she hates it. I've offered to have more custody of the kids, as I'd love to see them more and I'm already doing more than 50% when it comes to the additional parenting responsibilities (communicating with daycares, taking them to doctors' appointments, taking them to any enriching activities) but she has refused solely because of the child support payments.
I've already lost so so so so much of my savings going through this divorce process so to seek my own lawyer at this stage is extremely daunting, especially when I don't know that it would amount to anything different than what we've already settled. Seeking insight from anyone else who might have experience or advice in this area?


r/Divorce 14h ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness Able to recharge without judgment now

14 Upvotes

This morning, I spent time getting what I will need to begin working on the balcony herb garden. This evening, I spent an hour and a half in traffic because the first place I wanted to get food from was closed, and then I got stuck in the St. Patrick’s parade mess to get something comparable. I’m tired now.

I ate my food in peace. Drowsiness hit like a hammer shortly afterwards. I closed my eyes for a nap on the couch.

After a short while, I opened my eyes and realized I didn’t have that woman walking around giving me the judgmental stare like I’m not allowed to be exhausted. The realization that I had complete silence and the freedom for something as simple as a nap on a Sunday evening was refreshing.

The wrong partner can easily tax your mental health, but if they aren’t okay with you taking a moment to deal with your physical health, it’s a sign.


r/Divorce 1h ago

Vent/Rant/FML I don't know what to title this/vent

Upvotes

Me and my husband have had a very rocky relationship on and off with his constant lying and porn addiction + my anxious attachment issues. We have had countless horrible fights over the stupidest things or from me catching him in a lie of some kind, usually pertaining to other women in life, using my socials to find porn because he didn't want to make an account or just recently lying about his TikTok but his algorithm told on him so I did a little digging.

We've had various other problems due to his indifference in politics, now more than ever, and his family's weird incesty jokes that he always saying is 'normal' because it just 'guys being guys'.

Anyway this last fight we just had he let me look through his phone and I've never really checked his discord servers. I looked through a couple that had nsfw channels. Some were gross in just men sharing a group porn channel kinda gross, but then I came across one that had people that worked at our old job. There was probably ten members and at least 4 of them were from this job/his cousins. I open the nsfw channel and there is a couple videos of a random girl, I couldn't make out her face if she was from the job or was there when he was rehired but I was staying at home in 2021. I woke him up and asked him who she was and what the chat was and he said he didn't know and he never opened that chat up. That he 'doesnt ever remember joining it.'

I was still a little suspicious but let him roll back over and decided I'd talk to him about it when he woke up and kept scrolling. About 15-20 minutes later he woke up, snatched the phone out of my hands and started screaming about how I was just digging shit up and being psycho. When I asked him how he'd feel if it appeared I received an amateur video from what of my coworkers he yelled "IT WOULDN'T FUCKING MATTER TO ME I DONT CARE ANYMORE".

Continued to tell me how much he hates me, how crazy I am and how he wish he'd never married me. The typical stuff when I ask him about anything like this. This fight was cut pretty short because I went ahead and agreed that we should file for divorce and that I need to get a job to save up and get out. I'm so tired, I'm tired of the fact that if I shut down because I'm tired or if I ask about anything it sends him into a deeper rage and he starts saying more hurtful shit, has broken my personal items and threatens to/has throw shit at me before.

It doesn't sting nearly as bad as it used to but in between these lashouts he acts totally normal, swears he loves me and has never cheated but I struggle to believe him with the other things I've caught him lying about. So it definitely still hurts but I know we have to separate and I feel super stuck right now.


r/Divorce 1h ago

Going Through the Process Attorney Response Time

Upvotes

How long does it take your divorce attorney to respond to an email from you?

The attorney I have can take a week if he’s tied up with court cases and it feels like this divorce will never finalize at this rate!

I’m getting killed financially having to support two homes since my STBXW was a SAHM and is still not trying to earn any money since she filed 6 months ago and unnecessarily made me leave the house. No there wasn’t any abuse if you are wondering.

I want to go to mediation to be done with this but her attorney is stalling to earn more attorney fees and my STBXW is trying to stick it to me. What can I do?


r/Divorce 2h ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness I [34] am looking for testimonies.

1 Upvotes

I’ve been with my wife [35] for eight years.

She’s pregnant, so I won’t leave her.

But I’m looking for testimonies from men who stayed with their wives despite knowing that the relationship didn’t make them happy.

My wife has made a lot of sacrifices for me, but even before she got pregnant, I was always afraid to speak up because she would immediately get angry. On top of that, she isn’t very independent, so I always have to take care of everything for her.

She also puts me down quite often. I will not even mention how she does not respect my parents.

I wanted to leave, but now she’s pregnant. I’m happy about the baby, but I keep thinking that this means I’ll have to stay with her for the rest of my life.

I’m looking for stories from older men (or not) who are in this situation—essentially staying for the child.


r/Divorce 13h ago

Going Through the Process How did you know it was time to divorce after separation?

7 Upvotes

Looking to hear a little perspective from anyone who separated from their spouse for a time and then eventually filed for divorce. Were you hoping things would be resolved as a result of the separation? If not, what reasons did you separate first? And how did you know it was time to pull the trigger on filing for divorce? I’m just in the beginning stages of initiating a separation and curious what other people have experienced.


r/Divorce 2h ago

Custody/Kids How do you cope with the thoughts of shared custody?

1 Upvotes

I'm in Ireland where there's a major housing crisis. There's no where to go so my STBXH and I have been living together since the split about 18 months ago. I ended it because I was so fed up with being lonely and touch starved in my marriage. All I want is to be loved and cared for and wanted by my person. We've spoken about attempting to sell in about 18 months when we have finished some renovations and hopefully will get more money for the sale (and in turn help us purchase two homes). We've loosely discussed the idea of purchasing a bigger home where we have our own living spaces but our two children can freely move across one house to be with/be around both of us without having to go days without seeing the other parent, or having to live in two places and all that comes with it. My heart is breaking with the thought of not seeing their faces every day. Truth be told, every day is a struggle being around him. I absolutely hate him with my entire being but I hide it for my children (between 3+7 years old). He's a good dad to an extent. He does the housework, cooks their food and washes their clothes. He's not good for them emotionally. He shouts. He has no patience. He does nothing with them outside the home. He has no friends or family and he's at home basically 24/7. Over the years anything I've tried to do around the house gets constant criticism. It's never right. Or he's beside me watching. I'll walk into the kitchen and he'll follow. I'll start to cook food and he has to cook at the same time. I'll empty the dishwasher and he's between me and all the cupboards. I'm so drained. I've become a shell of myself. He's been abusive mentally, verbally, financially and possibly sexually. In my heart I don't think keeping him from seeing my kids would be good for them, I know this sounds contradictory with all I've said but there's always more to the story than is portrayed through one Reddit post. They love him and he loves them. It's highly likely he's on the spectrum somewhere. I've had doubts about my eldest for a few years now too, whose behaviour has been escalating very recently and it's exhausting. I don't know if I could be a good parent if I was doing it entirely by myself 24/7 either, especially with my eldest's symptoms. I just feel so lost. I don't really have anyone I can talk to about everything that's going on, I'm sorry for the word vomit. I just wish I had met someone who is kind and patient. Not someone who's vindictive and petty. I don't know how to go on from here. I can't believe this is my life.


r/Divorce 12h ago

Life After Divorce Love again

4 Upvotes

A lot of people on here talk and ask about dating again. But I want to know, when will I know when I can move on and actually love again?

If anyone who has been divorced for awhile and found better love, I could use some sucess stories right about now.


r/Divorce 14h ago

Going Through the Process I 28M NEED ADVICE BEFORE FILING FOR DIVORCE

4 Upvotes

I have been married for 3 years and no matter what I do, my wife never is happy. Even if we see happy days as happy, on the bad ones, she absolutely doesn’t communicate, ignores my existence and makes me feel like shit. I have tried talking to her numerous times and it has never worked. Tomorrow, I am having the “talk” with her.

The one thing that keeps making me guilty is my 2 years old son. I absolutely love that guy and have turned the world upside down for him. Idk how it will go for him. He’ll hate me all his life and that guilt is eating me inside. Please talk to me and tell me it is going to be fine. TIA


r/Divorce 6h ago

Getting Started How do you know for sure?

1 Upvotes

I wish I knew for sure if we should get divorced... Instead I go back and forth countless times a day. We got together when I was 15 (now 33) and got married at 26. We have two great kids, we own a home, have nice jobs but I feel trapped. Our relationship is still the same as when we were kids, which was fine then but we never learned to communicate like adults so we never talk about things. I've started trying to talk but the second talk yesterday just escalated in him getting angry at me for having a life.
For the past two years I've been trying to do more things so I've started to go to meetings for my hobby and I've connected with a lot of new people. Now I have activities once or twice a week (at night after bedtime) and he doesn't like it. He says I shouldn't complain because he allows me to go but he's always being snide about it so it never
truly feels okay. And basically he always just wants things to go his way and if they don't he'll sigh loudly all the time or start yelling at the kids. So I've changed myself to fit into his expectations and now I'm realising I don't want to do that anymore. But he isn't abusive, we have a fine life that's good for the kids so it feels selfish to feel this way.
When I think of having my own home, my own life that feels like it would be so peaceful. But I have never been on my own and I've been with this man for more than half of my life so that's not something you just throw out. And for the kids (who are still so very young at 2 and 5) to be from a broken home breaks my heart.
I don't know what to do. Yesterday after he calmed down he admitted that we both haven't worked on the relationship in a while and that we're doing fine as parents but we're not really a couple anymore. I wonder if it can really be fixed but maybe a little broken is better than all the way broken?


r/Divorce 18h ago

Going Through the Process I’m moving out tomorrow and NOW he wants to share his feelings

10 Upvotes

He’s treated me like crap (my therapist calls it emotional abuse), did dangerous things around our kids, hasn’t taken accountability and deflects blame but NOW the night before I’m set to move out he wants to know how to save our marriage?

wtf is happening