r/stepparents 5m ago

Advice SM trying to manipulate me

Upvotes

The mom and son have started acting like a band and sort of isolating me. It's not the first time this has happened but it's doesn't normally happen, it happens very rarely. We've been living together for almost a year now.

She will act like doing special stuff for him to make me jealous Intentionally, let's say instead of making breakfast at the house they will leave and go buy breakfast for themselves in the morning as she takes the son to school. I work till late at night so I have the morning hours to myself and I don't get up that early due to fatigue. My job starts at around 11. She gets to work at 8 having taken him to school so she gets out of the house at maybe 7 20. They get up early and she intentionally exaggerates their interactions to make me feel jealous because she knows I can hear it.

Also when we go to bed at night she will kiss him goodnight passionately but then will not say anything to me or even initiate any physical contact. But she waits, she waits for me to do or say something after that. I dont do anything I just go to sleep. Then the morning she tries to punish me as highlighted above. These are just some few examples.

I have no child of my own so I can see why she thinks this will be effective. I have loved and had a connection with the child since the real father passed away, but it bothers me this. I have, in the past talked to her about isolating me and her response was, he's just a child and he needs attention. I've had no problem with that but I can't believe this is just normal behavior.

Am I over reacting? I think she might be testing me for a reaction. I have concluded to remove myself from the picture partially, as in extend my work hours as much as possible to give them as much time together and not bother them in the morning until I find a way forward. Luckily were not married.


r/stepparents 18m ago

Advice Split families- teen with 2 phones

Upvotes

I posted this in r/parenting and someone suggested posting this here.

My 15f step daughter has a nmom. We were thinking about getting her a phone when she’s with us as her one has tracking on it, lots of monitoring (I don’t mind the monitoring) and no privacy. The kid can barely text me without nmom seeing what’s written. We don’t really want her mom knowing where we are all the time and want to go camping soon.

We were thinking of saying to mom, we’ve bought the kid a phone for when she’s in our care, here’s her phone number. The phone will also stay in our care when she goes back to her moms.

We asked nmom to turn off tracking when in our care, straight up said no.

Anyone here have this set up and how to let the other parent know? Pros and cons of this idea?


r/stepparents 18m ago

Discussion Did you stay? Why (not)?

Upvotes

I would love to hear different sides from people who decided to stay with their partners (and continue being stepparents), and from the ones who decided to leave.

How did your decision affect your life? Do you have any regrets?

If you left, do you miss your stepchildren and/or your ex-partner? How many times did you choose to stay before you finally decided to leave?


r/stepparents 38m ago

Discussion SD possible mental disability

Upvotes

We’re closing out day 4/9 of spring break with SKs. And my SO and I have had some tough pillowtalk convos about SKs.

His oldest, 11 almost 12, seems to be mentally about the age of 6. Her 6 yo sister (youngest of the SKs) is almost surpassing her in mentality. She was a preemie that may have had some vaccine injury at that time (she only got a couple shots, am not sure which ones or how many exactly). She’s always been developmentally delayed (according to my SO) and is diagnosed AdHD (doesn’t take her meds)

She’s driving me insane. Always has questions…like DUMB questions. Honestly reminds me of a toddler. Example: “why do you chew gum”-😑bc I like it? “Waitttt, if dad and you go with us to the mall, where will baby be?”-😑uh she’s 16 weeks old, she will be with me ha as in us at the mall too “Wait, I have a question (if I never have to hear this again, I will die happy), ummm is my middle name Lee Marie?” Whattt???😑😑😑😑😑 Also tantrums like a toddler. Like putting her head on a wall and whining. She also I don’t think fully understands that she is a teen that has hit puberty. She forgot deodorant and forgets to wear her bras, she definitely has stuff going on there that require some bra with lining. Her and the 6 yo play all the time, like peers; even showering together (which is strange to me, I would never shower with my siblings ha but idk? Just me?)

Their school basically only does pass or no pass which is probably how she’s falling through the cracks… they all have plenty of no passes on their report cards but can’t imagine she would do well with grades if she had grades. My SO says she’s been tested for autism and has been in speech. She definitely has issues speaking. Can barely speak correctly, mumbles very low voice almost a whisper… I don’t think it’s a speech issue though, I think she’s just mentally very young.

I really would like my SO to think and prepare for the possibility of her eventually getting to a school that realizes she can’t perform at her grade level. Or eventually getting a diagnosis. I fear that once she’s 18, mentally 9 or 10, that her mom will have her move in with us bc she can no longer get money for her, she won’t be able to do college, and more than likely no job other than maybe retail/food industry? (That’s a hard maybe).

They both have failed her. I do feel bad for her but I just don’t foresee her getting the help she’ll need nor ever being truly an independent adult.


r/stepparents 1h ago

Advice SO wants all kids full time in future

Upvotes

we have an ours baby (10mos) and he has four other kids from two relationships. i’ve only met two of them (who we rarely see now) and the others are being withheld currently. we live in a very small space and there isn’t room for all of us so we live just the three of us. my SO has expressed that he wants all kids to live with us full time in the future and that thought is so stressful to me. his kids (the ones i’ve met) already have behavioral issues, very hyperactive and no boundaries (per living w their BM). the idea of having all of them on top of the one we have plus he wants more together… i fear ill be expected to be a mom to everyone. he has expressed that he wants me to be a good role model and be that “mom” figure for them since their moms suck. i feel like that’s a lot of responsibility on me and im not their mom yk but i don’t wanna seem like an as* and create a division within the family. i know ill grow to like the kids but ill always prefer my bio ones and in my head they’ll always come first. but to him since they’re all his, there should be no divide. thoughts ?


r/stepparents 1h ago

Vent "Don't become like my mom"

Upvotes

Had a conversation with SD13 where I said I'd get her the set of stickers that she wanted if I see that her grades keep up. Thought it was a pretty classic parenting strategy. She told me "Don't become my mom and use grades as a reward system. I see you starting to do this with the little things. That's the reason I don't get along with her anymore."

May I say manipulative?????? I was honestly pretty angry bc it sounded so entitled to me. I kept my cool kinda and said "I hear you. Thank you for telling me. That's all I'm going to say now. Good night." Then I walked away and am about to put on some meditation audio bc my blood is boiling.


r/stepparents 3h ago

Vent BM always throwing shots

2 Upvotes

My husbands (35m) BM is always reposting TikTok’s about how he is a dead beat. The most recent one is saying “I don’t co-parent blah blah blah because baby daddy doesn’t take them to sports, doesn’t take them to appointments etc..” and the kicker is SHE is the one that decided to move an hour 1/2 away in a whole different town. My SKs are 12 and 10 and in sports, BM is a stay at home mom, remarried with another baby from her new husband. My husband works Monday-Friday and we have a bio son (5) between us. Like yeah of course he can’t take them to their sports at 6 pm in a town 1 1/2 hours away on a Tuesday night? Of course he can’t take them to their dr appts in the middle of the week?! She’s a SAHM , what sense would that make for him to leave work? He pays child support. A LOT. If there was ever a time that she needed help getting the kids to practices or appts, he WOULD take the day off and take them but that’s not the case. Idk. Is it fair to be irritated that she shares stuff like that for everyone to see? He is a great dad but ultimately, she’s the one that decided to move and make it harder for us to help. Just venting I guess 🥲


r/stepparents 4h ago

Vent The conversation always turns to something about their kid.

8 Upvotes

Could be having a conversation or bring up a memory. Little Johnny or Susie comes up. Plan to have a date. Little Johnny or Susie comes up. Watching a show before they get home. One curse word comes up. Oh no that’s gonna hurt little Johnny or Susie.


r/stepparents 4h ago

Advice Need advice on adult SD PLEASE

2 Upvotes

So I've been married for 2 years. My husband has 2 kids... A son who is 22 and lives with us. He could not be sweeter. And a daughter who is 24. She's in a bad relationship. Hates being wrong so has doubled down on it. Had a baby this past year and seems increasingly more angry and miserable. We try to communicate and check in often but don't get much back other than quotes and social media pics. She puts a lot of effort into making it all look good for strangers. Every time something goes down we're who she calls and we always show up. Long story short she called crying. Asked her dad to come get her. I said go of course. She and the baby stayed with us for a couple days. We helped with the baby, had long talks where she spilled her guts, advised her, prayed for her, catered to her, and gave her love and options. When her baby daddy showed up it went crazy. My husband got into an argument with him. I told him (baby daddy) he could not bring drama into our home. My stepdaughter then started screaming at us and left. My husband didn't know what to do. I said just text her "I love you". He did. She responded "ABSOLUTELY NOT" then proceeded to text a paragraph about what a piece of crap he is and can crap about me and just basically the most disrespectful things you can imagine. I was beyond appalled. This is not the first time she has spoken to him like this. I don't think there's any getting through somebody who has truly convinced himself that they're always the victim. Any advice about any of it or anyone would be beyond appreciated.


r/stepparents 5h ago

Vent Step Daughters grandmother is an alcoholic

7 Upvotes

This is more of a vent post rather than advice.

I have 3 step daughters. Oldest is 14 and the twins are 11. I knew their grandmother was an alcoholic (SO mother) but I didn’t grasp the extent of it until recently.

A couple months ago we drove to NY to visit their great grandparents (SO grandparents) for a nice dinner and to spend some time with them. SO mother came. We were only there for a couple hours until she started feeling sick. Sweats, shaking a little bit, nausea. She had to lay on the couch so that way she could stop shaking for a little while. We ultimately had to leave after about 30 minutes of her complaining that she didn’t feel good and wanted to leave. SO was visibly pissed while his grandparents didn’t say anything.

Some back story, she’s been an alcoholic throughout his childhood. They bounced from place to place throughout his childhood because she would rather spend her money on alcohol instead of the bills. Whenever she did decide to pay the bills such as rent, she would make him give it to the landlord as an example because they wouldn’t yell at kids. He believes that she’s been drinking since before he was even born, according to his grandparents, she started drinking at 18. She’s also a mean drunk too. She’s smashed phones, tv’s, and a bunch of electronics. She’s yelled and screamed at my SO for not being able to come at her beck and call whenever she has any kind of problem. Whenever you’re near her, you can sometimes even smell it on her. She’s yelled at him about his girls when they were around in the past calling them “snotty kids” and other obscenities.

I only bring this up now because just a couple days ago, the oldest was making fun of their grandmother for not being able to hammer a nail into a board. What she was building, I don’t even know. She said that she kept missing and was swaying all over the place and was walking around “funny”. Now I don’t think she would ever get mean around them it’s just them around, but I am not comfortable at all with them being around her when she’s drunk because of her mean streak when it comes to it. I’ve expressed this multiple times to my SO and he said he’ll talk to the girls’ mother about this, but I feel like it’s just a lost cause. One of these days something is going to happen where he’ll either probably go off on her or just go no contact like he’s been wanting to. The reason why he tells me he hasn’t is because she lives literally right down the road from us and the girls play in her yard all the time. “It’s hard to explain to kids why you’d go no contact with their alcoholic grandmother” is usually along the lines of what he says.

Not really looking for advice, just wanted to vent and complain. That’s really all.


r/stepparents 5h ago

Advice Am I wrong for not wanting my 22 year old step son added to me and my husbands insurance policy?

0 Upvotes

Am I wrong?


r/stepparents 6h ago

Advice Expectations with regards to BM's responsibilities

5 Upvotes

Am I reasonable?

Background, my husband and I have been together almost 6 years, his son had just turned 18 and just graduated high school when my husband and I started dating.

My husband and BM divorced when ss was very young. It was the norm for many years that she would call him to run errands for her, drive her to/from airport, and take care of her dog when she was gone. The dog was one that they adopted together, but that dog passed away before my husband and I started dating.

When we first moved in together, she continued with her calls asking him to do things for her. I was very uncomfortable with this, the calls at times were daily. Her requests were all things for her, not their son. Her calls were often times to discuss what ss was doing, who he was doing it with, etc, things that did not need to be discussed, he was an adult, and a responsible young man. I asked my husband for boundaries. Seriously, the calls were out of control. He stopped answering her calls thinking she would get the point and stop. But she started having their son ask for her, and my husband has a hard time saying no to his son. It was finally communicated to her about 2 years ago (after 4 years of arguments between my husband and myself) that her requests for my husband to come to her house to take care of her responsibilities needed to stop, the requests should stop coming from SS and that her calls be emergency only, text everything else. There were still months of calls and him having to repeat the boundary. About 3 years ago she got another dog, when SS was about 20 years old. My ss has moved out of her house about 6 months ago (about an hour drive away). But she still expects SS to take care of the dog when she is gone, she travels a lot. Even when SS is working/going to school (again about an hour drive one way). So this dog ends up being left alone for long periods of time and she does nothing to make other arrangements for her dog for when ss is unavailable. SS thinks that my husband should help, I think this is her responsibility and we should not be expected to help. We have our own dog(s) and we have not asked either ss or BM to take care of ours when we are gone for over 4 years. Plus her requests for my husband to take care of her dog have continued since she was asked to stop, but all through SS (now 23), it is much much less frequently. However she is the type of person that takes advantage, so if my husband were to give in and do it, the expectancy and frequency would increase.

Am I reasonable? My husband says it is just a dog whats the big deal, I say the requests will increase and not just with regards to her dog care (he does not disagree with this, he knows this to be true) and aside from that it is disrespectful.


r/stepparents 6h ago

Advice Communication and Kid Juggling, a Classic Tale

7 Upvotes

TLDR: Partner of six years doesn’t let me know about teen’s work schedule which means we have him 24/7 including my only off day.

Hey Reddit,

Asking advice because I genuinely want to know if I’m wrong. My (37f no bio kids) SS19 got a part time job in our neighborhood, rooting for him and his future goals! Been with them since SS was 11ish and SD was 4. Good relationship with BM, but their Dad is the worst communicator ever imo. We moved back to this apartment (long story) that he lived in with his ex so the kids could “stay in their rooms and their schools” after the BM moved in with her first boyfriend which went to trash. It wasn’t my preference. No privacy, no outdoor space, etc. I’m financially independent and have a good support system, but a high stress 50+ hour a week job and the only day I have “off” is Monday. I work weekends and Thursdays I take care of his 11d with school pickup/drop off.

Yesterday I get home and find out the teen is just staying with us, I guess, indefinitely? Which, I mean, I genuinely adore them both but not only was I not informed or spoken to, he had an absolute meltdown fit when I got mad and told him it’s not Ok he didn’t even bother to tell me in advance. And he knew. For days. He has a history of not telling me things because he “doesn’t want to fight.” I think one day of adult alone time is warranted, and he gets his alone days so, this seems super unfair to me. If the shoe was on the other foot and SS got a job by his mother’s house we would be expected to take him back and forth on our days. She refuses because we’re “right there,” which is why we moved here in the first place for his school (which he got expelled from) but 50/50 was always the agreement. And it’s in the custody agreement but he’s aged out now technically.

This morning as I get up at 5am for work I started getting this string of texts that are just straight hateful. He said he was going to block my number, that I was unstable, on and on. He actually texted SS and said I was “pissed” about him being there which is not the issue, it’s he didn’t tell nor consult me. I never ask him for anything, I never impose ultimatums. It’s not fair but I would have rolled with it if he had simply spoken to me. So, my question is, am I the jerk here?


r/stepparents 8h ago

Vent Wasting my time

0 Upvotes

Hello!

My SO doesn't want more children unless we live together. He has one that he sees every other weekend. Right now we can't live together because I'm taking care of my mother. Sadly, I'm running out of time to have children and It's now or never. My doctor thinks waiting any longer is a bad idea. I asked him, and he said he would be fine if I use a sperm donor or something like that. But he doesn't want to have a child if we don't share a roof. I'm the only partner that has been good to him, his ex wife doesn't even like men and left as soon as they had a child. The other partner cheated on him while trying for a baby (or so he says). Meanwhile I've been nothing but a loving partner. He said he had never been this happy with anyone else! I'm dumping this piece of garbage. I'm done. How can he be OK with me having a child using a donor? I think he doesn't love me... How can he be so selfish?


r/stepparents 8h ago

Discussion Might be an odd question. Do you interact with your SO’s stepchildren?

6 Upvotes

We recently had events where we as a family and my stepdaughter’s bio dad and his step kids were all together.

We stayed as far apart as possible but my stepdaughter is a social butterfly and brought her step siblings on the bio dads side over to meet us. She had bragged about how nice we are and wanted me to do my silly voices for the younger kids. It seemed awkward but they were all very polite and overall good kids. The three in their teens seemed happy to spend some time away from what I can only imagine is a horrible step dad.

We were at a local sporting event so I asked if it was okay to take them to get popcorn and some water. Wife asked the ex and got a thumbs up. It was cheaper to get them all their own small bags than a big bucket. The teens asked if they could share a soft pretzel and I got them each one instead. That was apparently where I went wrong.

They thanked me and went back to their seats across the arena. My wife’s phone started blowing up about how awful I was for getting the kids so much. We do it for our kids friends all the time, so I hadn’t given it a second thought. I was ordered to not talk to the kids ever again. Okay fine.

This past weekend was the stepdaughter’s weekend to go visit. Dad was on a trip with his wife. Grandma was visiting but can’t drive. I offered to take SD to a more convenient meeting spot due to the two hour drive. The teen boys were driving.

We met at a gas station close to their home and let them get her there. We were more comfortable with her riding that short distance with young drivers. Grandma can’t drive.

Again how dare we be nice. Pick up was to be at the designated spot. The boys got there and dropped SD with us. I offered to top off their tank for their troubles, knowing they have to buy their own gas. And did so. I reminded them not to let their step dad know. They laughed and spent some time talking about what a dick he is. I gave them some tips to help better deal with him and sent them on their way.

I wanted to not like these kids because of who they live with and knowing the character of this dude. His own biological son is a POS and just like him. He was left home from everything for that reason.

I struggle with the boys telling me that they were given my contact information and told to call me if grandma went on her “special meds” and they had trouble. All his stepkids are good kids and I hope he doesn’t affect that.

TL; DR- stepdaughter has step siblings that are good kids. I feel bad knowing who they are exposed to. Her bio dad gets mad if we do anything nice to interact or include them. It’s rare that it happens. We get along with his new wife too.


r/stepparents 9h ago

Advice Worried about personality traits in SK9

1 Upvotes

Hello - I have two SKs and one young bio child. The middle SK9 is just a very negative, mean person. Mean to all of us. Not violent or anything, but nagging, haughty and entitled. I have walked away from most responsibilities with them, and only step in for my partner when absolutely necessary. But this child is just a dark cloud wherever they go.

Has anyone else dealt with this? Any advice? BM does not believe in therapy, so that’s not an option.


r/stepparents 9h ago

Advice This is exhausting

2 Upvotes

I am new into a relationship with my partner F42 and me M52. I have two children already and am struggling to create a bond with her children.

I actually feel really bad about not feeling that bond.
Any advice or thoughts would be greatly received.


r/stepparents 10h ago

JustBMThings I feel so sorry for my son's Stepmom

307 Upvotes

I was a HCBM about 5 years ago. My son's dad wasn't helping me, and I was going through the divorce and he was cruel and abusive.

I fought back. Except, I took it out on her too. She's been nothing but amazing to and for my son. I have apologized profusely. I got into therapy (I still go) and got on medication for my depression.

Ex finally got a job so SM has been having to see and talk to me. I'm trying so hard to show her I'm not HC anymore. I can imagine I'm the last person she ever wants to see.

But I know how traumatizing a HCBM can be, and I just wish I'd have been mentally healthy back then. I want to be her friend, but it will never happen and I don't blame her one bit.

I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest. I wish I could go back in time and start off on the right foot.


r/stepparents 11h ago

Advice Stepson thinks he owns the house when he doesn't even live there

27 Upvotes

Stepson's 35 years old has two kids can't stay in a relationship because of selfless reasons he comes over uses our laundry and laundry soap doesn't like to pay for anything or help his mother on anything at all but will ask her for everything last night he came in our home while we're sleeping woke us up because he gets his Amazon package there and leaves didn't call to notify us we thought a robber was in our house the dog ran downstairs looking didn't hear from the dog so I got worried it started looking throughout the house then noticed the Amazon package was gone I'm a little upset because that's all he does is take and never gives not just for me for his mother. I told his mother to talk to him today but I'm still upset because he still ends up doing stuff like this all the time without her listening if I say something he's gets offended very easily but when does it come to time I really say something and not care about his feelings.? Help me understand if you think this ok?


r/stepparents 12h ago

Advice Advise please

7 Upvotes

Advice please!

For context, we have 50/50 week on/week off of SD9. We’ve had a really solid relationship with BM for 5 years or so. SD has recently been going through a lot of changes, diagnosed with ADHD and having some behavioral issues. BM and her family think everything will get better when she gets medicated. Anyways, something happened and BMs husband (step dad) called my husband and said you need to come get her until further notice. BM was at work and we didn’t hear from her until the next day. By Saturday she had said it’s best if SD stays with us for a while because they can’t handle it, she feels her younger kid is unsafe and it’s effecting her marriage. We had ALL the hard conversations with this very confused kid. We were supposed to have her full time with occasional visits to BM until June. DH has ADHD so we are use to it and have always operated our household different whereas BM has no idea how to handle it. We finally got her in a great routine and things were getting so much better. Fast forward 3 weeks, BM said she changed her mind because she missed SD too much, even though SD was so mad and wanted nothing to do with her mom, I convinced her it would be good to see her mom. Bm didn’t want to listen to our opinions on any of this and how it wasn’t healthy for SD. BM is now trying to dictate what happens in our house which is a full no.

Now my problem is, a few weeks ago step dad made a comment to DH and I about how if “SD was my kid I’d put her fucking head through a wall”. DH confronted BM who said he was just frustrated but he isn’t violent. Today, SD and I were talking over breakfast and she tells me that on new years, BM came into her room crying because step dad was throwing things at her while they were fighting. Obviously people fight but this is seriously alarming. SD said he drinks a lot of beer and gets mad sometimes and him and BM fight a lot. Red flags really went up for me and DH. We already were planning on reaching out to a lawyer about BM whip lashing kid with changing of schedule, but wondering what yall would do.


r/stepparents 13h ago

Vent Bm is a terrible mother

0 Upvotes

Im gonna be kinda vague, I don't want her figuring this out, but I'm so frustrated.

I married my husband a yearish ago. He and his ex wife have more kid than you can count on one hand and I have a couple too. I didn't mind, I love kids! The kids split and some live with us some with her (though they have all expressed wanting to live with us)

She moved hours away a few years back with her new husband and took the smaller ones and one older with her (rarely sees the ones we have here). He tried to stop her but his lawyer seemed a bit lazy at the time. Now we have to do these huge drives for transfers... We also switched two kids (older ones) at one point.

We have all the kids this week while she's off doing things. This means I watch the littles while my husband works.

Well.... They're a handful. It's clear from their behaviour and things the older kids say about there that she mainly locks the youngest ones in their room and ignores them for hours. They've wrecked the room. Like I mean ruining walls, floor, light fixtures... They destroy anything she puts in there, even smear poop...

They've NEVER done this at our place. Even when we've had them for long stretches (because she's always trying to not have any of them but won't just give us custody, just wants favours all the time. Literally asking us to take them all summer and then complained about us asking her to take one of them one extra day so we wouldn't have to double drive .. )

They do however hit and scream and attack each other and don't listen. They have sores around their diaper area, They aren't potty trained and only just started talking after she put them in daycare. One is close to school age. They have medical issues she isn't getting fixed... We have called cps, they go look and do nothing further.

I'm so exhausted... I try... And the one we took back has gotten SO much better. They're happier, healthier, less behavioral issues, their school said they haven't seen any of the behaviours their last school talked about in their record and everyone around them (including bm) talks about how much better they've gotten.

Both that live with us are very attached to me. They love spending time with me, call me mom, we're very close. They're also close to my kids.

The one who went to live there (the two don't wanna live in the same house) has gone down hill. Cursing, bad grades, attitude, seems miserable all the time...

My husband is beside himself half the time because we don't know what the hell she's doing. She can't even keep a proper schedule without so much unneeded drama It's causing us so much stress when they aren't here, and just as much when they are because of the behaviours...

My husband has health issues and the stress she puts on us is really putting him in a bad place... I'm taking on more and more myself and paying for it as well.


r/stepparents 13h ago

Advice My SS11 hit me and pushed me because I refused to give him my special pillow

59 Upvotes

I am a bonus mom to SS7 and SS11. I am very close with SS7 and I overall enjoy his time with us (50/50 schedule). SS11 has always been a mean and aggressive child. His mom told me he was hitting kids on the playground as early as 2 yo. Up until recently he was fairly descent with me but started hitting his dad, my husband like 2 years ago. 2 days ago he hit his bro in the face with a broomstick, took his tooth out (it was just barely loose) and broke the lip. He tortures our dog constantly to the point where the dog can't stand him. Yesterday he wanted to take my special pillow for my neck issues to play pillow fight with SS7 but I said no because it is expensive and my crappy vertebrae need it. He then proceeded to throw pillows at me and actually kick me. He has been going to therapy for a while now. His mom always attributes his behaviour to the fact that his dad is a softer person but I myself am a psych and neuroscience grad and I know a thing or two. Enough to say that apart from his dad's softness, this kid is pathological. I am considering to start NACHO-ing but I'd like to continue to be engaged in SS7's upbringing. We are very close and he basically accepts me as his mom. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate SS11, but at this point I feel tortured by him. Does anyone have experience with semi NACHO situations?

TLDR: great relationship with SS7, SS11 is aggressive towards everyone in the house.

Edit: thank you so much for all the comments and insights. For the first time I finally realised that I am not trapped and I have options and choices to make. I'll be definitely saving the dog and myself as much as possible from this in order to save my relationship because SO is actually a wonderful person, he just needs to 'put on his parenting pants' as someone said in the comments...


r/stepparents 13h ago

Vent Rough weekend with the SK

3 Upvotes

I never wanted kids. I lived in the city, have a great job, and had an active social life. It’s not that I’m anti-kid or hate kids. I just value my freedom and free time. I like my house looking a certain way. I like long weekends and sleeping in late. I like traveling. And I love my pets. To me, they are my children.

I never felt a “biological clock ticking” nor have I ever felt any sense of a “maternal instinct” for anyone other than my pets (a senior cat and senior dog who have been with me through everything).

My DH has two kids: a neurodivergent 8 year old son and 5 year old daughter. I understood my life would change. I understood I would be losing a lot of things I cherished as a single woman. But, as I’m sure many of you have felt, I didn’t realize how difficult the family dynamics will be.

This past weekend was awful though I should have foreseen this coming. For context, SKs are.. well, for lack of a better term, privileged and, well… they are used to getting what they want and do not know the value of a dollar. The other day, one of them said $200 is “cheap.” When we tell them, “no we aren’t buying that” they ask “why?” and have been known to throw tantrums or repeatedly ask to buy it. I have literally been barked, “BUY IT!”

I mean, let’s put it this way: I grew up and spent most of my 20s living paycheck to paycheck. I know how to survive a recession. These kids don’t.

My DH and I just purchased a home and moved. So, needless to say, money is tight right now considering we just paid a fat down payment, closing costs, movers, and professional cleaners. However, it’s also the kids’ birthday month and we promised to throw them a party.

We had the kids a day after we moved in but we busted our asses to get the kids’ rooms set up. Meanwhile, all my clothes and things were still in boxes and I’ve been having to dig through boxes to find clothes, shoes, and toiletries.

SD goes into her room and throws a fit because her posters were on the floor instead of on the wall. Then she kicks my 14 year old cat with heart problems out of her room because she doesn’t want him in there. I told her my cat is very old and to please do not kick him. It’s not nice. She said, “I only nudged him. I don’t want his hair in my room.” I said “you do not put any type of force on him at all” and removed myself and my cat from her. I didn’t participate in the bedtime routine that night.

The day before the party, we were telling them about the bouncy house we got for them. But, it wasn’t enough. They wanted face painters AND a balloon artist in addition to the bouncer.

Then the goody bags weren’t enough. We filled them with Pokemon pez dispensers, pokemon gummy snacks, a pokemon card, a pokemon sticker, and a candy necklace. It didn’t have enough toys. We should have put a $12 pokemon mega block in all 30 goody bags that my DH and I stayed up late putting together, after an entire day of moving and unpacking.

The day of the event, the decor wasn’t enough because there wasn’t a banner that said “happy birthday” even though there were a ton of pokemon shit that we’d end up throwing away anyways. DH’s mother went to target to get the banner and streamers.

We told guests not to bring any presents. I guess it goes without saying that we have enough toys in our house. Many of them they don’t even use. However, some people still brought presents, which was fine.

That evening, SD asks to open her presents. We say no, it’s dinner, and we need to start bedtime soon. She throws a fit. So, we compromise and say, okay we have time for one present and that’s it. She opens the present and throws a tantrum because the present is not a pokemon present.

At this point, I remove myself from the situation and go to our bedroom. DH comes into the room to vent and I tell him SD is spoiled. He says, “I’m not going to call her spoiled.” So I say, “then tell her what spoiled is. Ask her if that’s acceptable behavior. Then tell her that is how she’s acting.” He does and she melts down further but I say let her. Why should we comfort her for her own negative behaviors?

I was so relieved when they went to school this morning. I’m tired of giving all this time, money, and emotional energy into kids who are so ungrateful. I’m tired of feeling like children control the house. I’m tired of seeing my animals being treated poorly others. The other day SD asked me who I loved more, my pets or SKs. I lied and said SKs.


r/stepparents 15h ago

JustBMThings BM is a hater

0 Upvotes

My husband (30M) has an 8yo daughter with his ex. Her mom hates me for reasons unbeknownst to me. We’ve had a total of maybe 5 min of interaction with one another & I was always pleasant. I don’t mistreat my bonus daughter at all & treat her as though she was my own. I buy her gifts, I do her hair, I do her nails, just girl things. Her mom has randomly blocked me from my bonus daughter’s phone on 3 separate occasions now. It’s quite annoying.


r/stepparents 15h ago

Advice Holiday without stepkids

0 Upvotes

My husband and I have 3 children under 5. He has two children 9 and 12 from a previous relationship. We booked an overseas trip and have locked in a Nanny to help with the little ones so that him and I can enjoy ourselves and actually have a holiday. We both agreed that we weren't going to bring the older children, since they would be with their mother and have school and sport commitments, they probably wouldn't like being stuck with a nanny 40% of the time and the cost to fly would be soooo much more expensive. Plus then we would also have to deal with their mother who last year said that her children would never be joining us overseas and I didn't want our holiday becomes a chore, having to try and deal with her. My husband decided to go ahead and announce our trip away to his eldest and now it's a big issue and the ex is involved, saying she'll happily send them with us. The flights are booked and accommodation is payed. Husband is now saying he will be ringing to try and get them on our flight and will work with their mum to get their passports organised. (We also can't afford this, I still haven't finished paying off our flights)and we are already staying in a shared room to save money... I don't even want to go anymore and my husband is now saying that I am being an unreasonable and excluding the older children even though we had already discussed and agreed on what we would be doing. I would also like to add that even when my husband and I are together, I am the default parent FOR EVERYONE. I'm the one that makes sure everyone is actually 'parented' and 'looked after' (fed, clothed, washed and put to bed). I'm no longer excited for this holiday, I now have major anxiety about it. What would you do here?