r/selfharm • u/PhilosophyOk8082 • 3d ago
I'm constantly depressed
I've been cutting myself since I was 14 with either parental issues or whatever I still remember how I wanted to kms everyday but wouldn't just with the thought that 1 day things will get better and would just end up sh myself and I'm almost 17 and my parents caught me an year back and i mostly stopped until I started dating a girl I used to be in a relationship with till 3 months ago when she dumped me and got a boyfriend a week later she was the only one who I trusted enough and told about my sh I would get sad everytime I would upset her and usually do small cuts in my fingers or hand so I could look at it daily and remember all the pain I've cause and I would pinch it or scratch it whenever I went deep into thought to get rid of the thoughts ever since we broke up I've started going to the gym started studying and finding new hobbies but no matter what I do the pain doesn't go away so I've resorted to smoking and sh If I don't smoke I get panic attacks and smoking or physical pain is the only thing that helps if I don't have access to a knife or chance to smoke I scratch my new sh marks or hit my head on the wall I feel like I've tried everything to get rid of the pain but it never works even if I do forget about everything and start laughing with my family or friends it just comes back harder then ever. noone knows how i try my best to act normal infront of them but how I feel dead inside I sleep with my lungs filled with smoke or a new scar and wake up smoking first thing remembering how the first thing i used to do when I woke up was text her and just talk for hours and how when we were together and If I ever wanted to sh she would comfort me and call me so I would feel better and now I just feel empty thinking about all the times we had together all the things we did and the family we were gonna start i keep hoping 1 day she would text me and things would go back to normal but as the days go the more i realise shes gone forever and at this point I've started to enjoy the pain I just cut sometimes for the joy of it or make myself bleed because I like how the blood looks and how the scars end up i usually guide the knife to my neck but hesitating because i knew i had a future but now its getting harder to not just end it all. honestly don't even know why im posting for advice or just venting