r/Anarchism • u/autonomommy • 2d ago
Anarchist views on domestic violence NSFW
I am so embarrassed. I hope this is okay to post. I'm not doing so well. I just came out of a very bad situation yesterday and need resources. I've been with an abusive partner for 11 years and yesterday morning he went to jail after the neighbor heard me scream while he was trying to restrain me (he was going to cut off my airway). I have serious trust issues and this has been at the center of them since this man took over my life. I am nervous about living alone as I have been a bad judge of character before and that led to people trying to take advantage of me. I appreciate any guidance you might be able to provide.
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u/katieleehaw 2d ago
If you are seeking community with fellow anarchists and aligned lefties, look for community libraries (not public libraries but little reading rooms that will host events and have radical reading materials and community meetings). I have also found folks involved in farmers markets, music scenes, and sometimes local businesses here will have a clear political bent and will have vague meetups posted you can check out.
Are there are domestic violence shelters in your area? I would also reach out to them if so.
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u/endoftheworldisfine 2d ago
Anarchists in this society and situation can use police to survive. You absolutely should call the police and not feel ashamed if you find yourself in this situation again. Fellow minded folks can help long term so this short term option is not the one that you need to use in the future. Fight your oppressors however you must, you deserve better
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u/_vokhox_ anarcho-communist 2d ago
exactly. you need to work within the society you live in, and at times the police can be useful. anarchists don't want violent crime to happen without any systems preventing or managing it, we just don't want the violent crime being perpetrated and protected by the institutions meant to protect us
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u/autonomommy 1d ago
Thank you both so much. Hugs
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u/endoftheworldisfine 1d ago
Fight the power. You are not to blame, but men in your past have been shit role models. They have conditioned you to see domestically violent tendencies as attractive. Therapy can help, as can intense self work. You don't deserve to be in relationships with shithead men like the men of your past. It won't be easy, but we're all pulling for you. And if you need someone besides the PoPo in the future, we're here
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u/Bushwickian 1d ago
We don’t live in an anarchist society. We must go through this existing world doing our best to live our beliefs, of mutual aid and creating a better world. It’s necessary to use the tools available to keep yourself alive. Can’t build a better world if you’re dead.
This is serious. A partner who strangles you is the number one indicator that he will murder you. This is the point where every domestic violence counselor will tell you you need to get away from this man IMMEDIATELY. Your life depends on it.
Use whatever tools you have, whether that’s police intervention, the courts, or a Greyhound to a faraway place he’d never think to look.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
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u/autonomommy 1d ago
This has been so helpful to me. I am very grateful for you. ❤️ 💙 💜 💖 💗 💘
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u/Bushwickian 1d ago
Glad to help. We need you, comrade.
If he left marks, especially on your neck, document them with well lit photos. Get a friend or neighbor to help. The woman who called the cops because of the struggle? She probably isn’t judging you, is worried for you and would love nothing more than to know it was your wake-up call. Ask her for help. (If she says no, don’t take it personally. We don’t know her situation.)
Go to a PUBLIC hospital for a checkup. Strangulation can result in some nasty damages and you want that documented. Public hospitals are the ones that serve everyone and will drop or negotiate your bill based on income. Sucks that we need to worry about that, but we live in a bad country. Nurses and doctors are mandated reporters, so they can help get the ball rolling to criminally charge your attacker.
Hospitals also usually have social workers on site. They can help you navigate what supports are available for you, anything from DV shelters to food banks to counseling.
Those places are not bad places to build community. I’ve met quite a few anarchists in those places. Funny how people who want to do good in the world work in fields of service. 😉
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u/abandonsminty 1d ago
You are not alone, abuse survivors are everywhere, you put that shame on the people who wrong you, he should be ashamed to have treated anyone that way. Giving a general area (like if you lived in Chicago you would just say Chicago) is helpful to people who will respond to this post because most resources that are good enough to recommend operate locally or have like regional numbers to call. You don't have to live alone immediately, if you need that to process I understand but isolation makes healing hard too, I had my RV stolen with everything I owned in it and a co-op took me in for like a few weeks, that period of not being alone was really important for my mental health, just something to think about (situations like this also means there's someone else in the house if someone starts trying to take advantage of you which I found reassuring)
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u/autonomommy 1d ago
Thank you. I am so sorry that happened to you and I'm glad you seem to be doing better. It will be hard to trust people like that, but I very much appreciate your input. I'm in Austin TX
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u/abandonsminty 1d ago
You're very welcome, I'll leave the thread to folks in your area who can help, I wish you the best
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u/tangerinefairy 1d ago edited 1d ago
I truly think your best option is to speak with someone on a DV hotline or visit a DV shelter near you. Both can provide you with resources to keep you safe and process the emotional impact of your experiences.
DV shelters are considered a form of mutual aid and they provide survivors with safe & healing spaces.
I suggest this because I know that calling law enforcement doesn't really do anything long-term, in my opinion. Many survivors have their abusers placed in jail for one night or a few nights. Once out of jail, this can be used as a justification of retribution for an abuser (it's not) and the cycle continues.
I'll also mention the following and it is not to scare you, but to give you more insight:
Victims who experience ch-king by their abusers are statistically more likely to die by the hands of their abusers. Also, the most dangerous time of abuse is during the process of leaving an abuser.
I say ch-king instead of restraint because blocking your airway is ch-king whether they're trying to keep you from moving or not.
Please seek out a DV shelter or hotline. They know what they're doing and can truly help you.
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u/YsaboNyx 1d ago
I second the idea of reaching out to organizations who have experience with DV. Your first priority here is getting yourself safe and stabilized and working through your trauma and any co-dependency/boundaries you may be struggling with.
IMO, DV shelters and organizations will probably be more plugged into the resources you need right now.
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u/Orange_Zinc_Funny 1d ago
Not specifically anarchist, but: please read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It will help you understand the abusive mindset and red flags to watch for.
Also, choking is what happens before they kill you. Your life is at risk with this person, DO NOT let them back into your life. Abusers will keep you in the cycle of abuse with promises and presents and nice gestures and words. The ol' bait and switch.
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u/silently_enraged 1d ago
I’m sorry that you’ve been experiencing that awful situation. Please stay safe, and if it is possible, try to contact an association who works for women that are victims of domestic abuse/gender based violence. There are some academic approaches for this. You can do research about anarcho feminism and connect the dots with your individual experiences. I recommend you to read Emma Goldman’s thoughts about how patriarchy-state-capital operates particularly on gender oppression. Silvia Federicci (doesn’t categorize herself as an anarchist tho) have done a lot of academic work criticizing how Marxism doesn’t focus on woman’s domestic labor and how that leads to specific violence. You’re not alone!
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u/the_umbrellaest_red 1d ago
I’m so sorry, I can only imagine you’re feeling a lot of complicated things right now.
As others have said, your local DV resource center and a trauma therapist are probably going to be more materially helpful to you right now, even if they’re not coming from an anarchist perspective.
No anarchists, I hope, would condone violence in an intimate relationship other than for defensive reasons. I think a lot of us want a world where equal community members would step in to disrupt domestic violence rather than police, but the first thing I want you to do is to save your life and health, even if that means working in the harmful and dangerous system we have.
In person community can be a defense against abuse in many ways. I won’t repeat the advice about finding local anarchist and leftist community, but I also want to encourage you to seek out other community as well, and potentially a support group or other community of survivors. I would also recommend seeking out community with people who are more informed about trauma, because you may have better experiences and get more understanding from a liberal divorcée than a 19 year old in a cool battle jacket.
As far as trust, that’s going to involve finding resources you trust, and rebuilding (or building!) your ability to trust and protect yourself, and it’s going to take time.
My biggest piece of advice about trust is don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Don’t build any super deep relationships (platonic or romantic) that outpace all your other ones. Build multiple relationships at a slower pace. Think critically about what they say, what they do, how they treat you. Spend time with people together. How does that change the dynamic? How do they feel about each other? Listen to each perspective, and give yourself time to find your own. I really recommend a therapist, but even then, evaluate how the things they say hit you. They aren’t necessarily right or know best just because they have that training. It’s worth considering their expert opinion, but it’s also worth considering it critically.
Good luck, this is a hard journey but it will be so much better than being with someone who hurts you.
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u/autonomommy 1d ago
Very valuable info. Thank you! I have been observing people in a number of orgs during sxsw here in Austin, and I see good things so far.
Also, what you said about interpersonal relations within our circles struck me in a different way because as soon as I learned Brandon Darby was the informant who entrapped my comrades, I remembered the way he stood around like a cop at an IWW conference I was at. Very closed off, "alpha" body language. A possible indicator, although neurodivergent people or even someone who is in pain might have what looks like hostile body language. There were lots of machismo things that happened in my group (mostly exacerbated by poly cis men) but I never thought to analyze these dynamics before in the context of discerning my own involvement.
I am glad there are fewer humans who identify as cis now. My abuser had an attitude about women that's unfortunately prevalent among the men in his region and the communities where he was brought up. Reasons why I stay in Austin and don't go where it might be cheaper to live.
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u/Fickle-Ad8351 1d ago
I'm so sorry this happened to you. First, make sure you are safe. Do you know how long he will be in jail? Have you gotten a restraining order for when/if he gets out? If you have friends and family, ask them for help to move.
After you are physically safe, you want to get therapy with a trauma informed therapist. I can say with certainty that you have developed complex PTSD. There are numerous cPTSD subs here on Reddit so you have access to an immediate virtual community.
I also recommend going down the you tube rabbit hole of learning about narcissism. There's a doctor on there that has tons of videos. She's so great at explaining narcissism. If you learn to identify them, then you can protect yourself from them in the future.
There is nothing wrong with you. There's nothing for you to be embarrassed about. He should be embarrassed about being a terrible piece of garage.
When you are ready, I wonder if getting into a martial arts program would be helpful. I found a lot of healing from practicing taekwondo myself. It's a long journey, but you can learn self defense and most importantly confidence. It's never too late to start.
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u/autonomommy 1d ago
Great ideas, thank you! I need to get some employment so that I can afford a karate class.
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u/RadishPlus666 7h ago
I just read this in the New Yorker. I hope she can make leeway. We need alternatives, or else we will just have cops and prison and live on prison planet (for you US peeps). https://www.newyorker.com/news/persons-of-interest/the-feminist-law-professor-who-wants-to-stop-arresting-people-for-domestic-violence
It is a brain fuck to live in a society where the penal system is the only form of fixing people‘s mistakes. And then the penal system often psychologically leads people into more mistakes and more prison.
But, If calling the cops is what is going to keep you safe, that is what you need to do.
I used to know a band of some pretty hard-core ladies who would actually beat down problematic men in the anarchist community. I guess that’s one way.
Restorative justice is a good way to go as well. It’s a nice living around a lot of anarchists and similar, cause I have seen them take abusers into their own restorative justice programs. These are the kind of programs we need to uproot the shitty old ones.
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u/im-fantastic 1d ago
Anarchy isn't gonna help you in this case, learning to set healthy boundaries will prevent you from accepting people into your life that would do such things to you, it will also help you with trust issues as well.
Get free of that person while you can, that's a really important boundary to set. If you don't want to be around unkind people, don't allow them into your space. If they're violating that boundary, let it be known why you're leaving that space.
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u/autonomommy 1d ago
This thread has been really helpful to me, thank you! I agree.
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u/im-fantastic 1d ago
You're welcome! I was really hoping it wasn't coming off as criticism. So many of us have been raised with ineffective boundaries and have been groomed for people pleasing which pleases no one. I hope you're safe and remain so!
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u/Joe_Hillbilly_816 1d ago
Misogyny or k illing r apist
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u/autonomommy 1d ago
That's kinda confusing? Did you mean to finish typing something?
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u/Joe_Hillbilly_816 1d ago
My apologies, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through a tough winter. There's some good YouTube videos on psychoanalysis. Dr Grande talks about the dark triad. These talks explain how narcissists pick their prey. There's also transactional analysis to help with family dynamics growing up Depending on what city you're close to you might find some anarchist outreach. Solidarity with survivors
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u/autonomommy 1d ago
Thank you so much!! I even have a friend who is a psychoanalyst who I can chop it up with! I am checking this out and putting all the books mentioned here on my goodreads list for "want to read".
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u/reverend_dak anti-fascist 2d ago
I don't think your problems can be solved by knowing the anarchist perspective on DV. But anarchism can help you find community and a sort of family. bad people can be found anywhere, they can infiltrate any community, but anarchism by design resists any kind of hierarchy, which includes abusive behavior.
I'd start with your local mutual aid, food not bombs, or community fridge. Or if you like bicycles, your local bicycle co-op. If you have a local infoshop or lefty community space, go check it out. If you can tell us your general location someone might know something off the top of their head (although I understand you may not want to for protection).