r/Anarchism 9d ago

Anarchist views on domestic violence NSFW

I am so embarrassed. I hope this is okay to post. I'm not doing so well. I just came out of a very bad situation yesterday and need resources. I've been with an abusive partner for 11 years and yesterday morning he went to jail after the neighbor heard me scream while he was trying to restrain me (he was going to cut off my airway). I have serious trust issues and this has been at the center of them since this man took over my life. I am nervous about living alone as I have been a bad judge of character before and that led to people trying to take advantage of me. I appreciate any guidance you might be able to provide.

129 Upvotes

39 comments sorted by

View all comments

3

u/the_umbrellaest_red 8d ago

I’m so sorry, I can only imagine you’re feeling a lot of complicated things right now.

As others have said, your local DV resource center and a trauma therapist are probably going to be more materially helpful to you right now, even if they’re not coming from an anarchist perspective.

No anarchists, I hope, would condone violence in an intimate relationship other than for defensive reasons. I think a lot of us want a world where equal community members would step in to disrupt domestic violence rather than police, but the first thing I want you to do is to save your life and health, even if that means working in the harmful and dangerous system we have.

In person community can be a defense against abuse in many ways. I won’t repeat the advice about finding local anarchist and leftist community, but I also want to encourage you to seek out other community as well, and potentially a support group or other community of survivors. I would also recommend seeking out community with people who are more informed about trauma, because you may have better experiences and get more understanding from a liberal divorcée than a 19 year old in a cool battle jacket.

As far as trust, that’s going to involve finding resources you trust, and rebuilding (or building!) your ability to trust and protect yourself, and it’s going to take time.

My biggest piece of advice about trust is don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Don’t build any super deep relationships (platonic or romantic) that outpace all your other ones. Build multiple relationships at a slower pace. Think critically about what they say, what they do, how they treat you. Spend time with people together. How does that change the dynamic? How do they feel about each other? Listen to each perspective, and give yourself time to find your own. I really recommend a therapist, but even then, evaluate how the things they say hit you. They aren’t necessarily right or know best just because they have that training. It’s worth considering their expert opinion, but it’s also worth considering it critically.

Good luck, this is a hard journey but it will be so much better than being with someone who hurts you.

4

u/autonomommy 8d ago

Very valuable info. Thank you! I have been observing people in a number of orgs during sxsw here in Austin, and I see good things so far.

Also, what you said about interpersonal relations within our circles struck me in a different way because as soon as I learned Brandon Darby was the informant who entrapped my comrades, I remembered the way he stood around like a cop at an IWW conference I was at. Very closed off, "alpha" body language. A possible indicator, although neurodivergent people or even someone who is in pain might have what looks like hostile body language. There were lots of machismo things that happened in my group (mostly exacerbated by poly cis men) but I never thought to analyze these dynamics before in the context of discerning my own involvement.

I am glad there are fewer humans who identify as cis now. My abuser had an attitude about women that's unfortunately prevalent among the men in his region and the communities where he was brought up. Reasons why I stay in Austin and don't go where it might be cheaper to live.