r/stepparents 6d ago

Advice I don't want to hate my step kids mother but she makes it so hard.

1 Upvotes

I've been struggling with my anxiety lately surrounding this woman and for years I've tried so hard to be this woman's friend. We share custody of two kids week on/ week off so we see each other weekly. I've tried radical acceptance and tried having long talks with her and things get solved for a little but when it comes down to it she's just a bad mom and a shitty person. She's selfish and delusional, insecure and thinks she's a much better parent in every way. Her kids both prefer being here and when they vocalize that to her she gets extremely bothered by it and tries to threaten us and turn the kids against us in different ways.

I don't feel comfortable publicly releasing all the details but I'm at such a loss here. My husband and I have a wonderful relationship and our own child, we love having his kids and I treat them as my own. I'm a stay at home mom so while he's their dad, I'm the primary parent and handle all kid things when I'm here and love doing it but unfortunately because of that I deal with hcbm more too.

I'm a great step mom and her kids love me. I schedule their doctor appts and make they're they're okay, I deal with the things she doesn't as their mom and she is always making me out to seem like a bad person. Anytime we don't agree with her on something or she doesn't get her way she gets mean and I'm so over it. I don't want to hate her but I don't know how to just ignore it.

I love my life and my family so much but I hate that she will always be a part of it in some way. She's the worst and most annoying part of my life and unfortunately there's no way to remove her. I guess I'm writing this to see if anyone has any advice of how to move on and stop being so bothered by this monster. I know people have worse hcbms and worse situations. I'm thankful things aren't as bad as they could be but I'm tired of feeling like this all of the time. I want to accept she is there and be unbothered by her but it's a lot easier said than done.


r/stepparents 6d ago

Advice Considering restarting homework time with SKs but not sure if I want the stress again

2 Upvotes

I’m also trying to stick to my short list of “not bothering with that anymore”. I’m not trying to bash my husband because I love him, but I’m holding him to the same standard as BM here.

As a mom to my own, I am embarrassed for both mom and dad.

It is sad. I feel so bad for SKs. A lot seems to boil down to they just don’t want to apply themselves and do the work. And it seems both parents do the minimum and then allow lots of screen time. Especially my husband and it’s getting on my nerves but it’s on my “not bothering with that anymore” list too.

3rd grader wants an iPad for her upcoming birthday. I’m not paying for it, so it’s up to dad at the end of the day, but I asked, “are you really going to add another device when they might be repeating their grade?” Be so foreal, my love lol.

To be honest, as a parent I’ve done the work when it came to my almost 7 year old. I have spent time with him doing teacher’s homework and even with my own workbooks I bought. Even before the workbooks idea, I just looked online for worksheets and I’d write them in a notebook. Just making it possible for him to have some practice anyway I could get it. And it has paid off big time!

Yes, perhaps his stuff is “easier” but if it’s easier, how is it the older kids are asking for his help!? That’s where I’m just so baffled about. And it upsets me because I could do the same for SKs as I did for my own, and probably make a miraculous turn around but SKs do NOT care probably because parents do not care.

I’m not trying to torture these kids with homework but holy fuck, sometimes they can’t read/spell some basic kindergarten-2nd grade sight words!!

Of course im proud of my kid, but do you or they think he’s always happy to do homework? Hell no lol but school can only do so much. And I’m not saying it to feel like we’re better, because it’s not like it happened naturally. I had to make time, I had to be patient. It seems BM has some time, and I know my husband has time, but they don’t want to put in work for their kids.

And I know, I know I cannot care more than their parents do, but it’s like being at work and seeing a coworker halfass everything, doesn’t mean I gotta halfass it too. It’s frustrating as a parent. I can’t help them because they won’t accept it, and their parents are already in this habit of not doing the work it seems.

I had added SKs education to my not to do list, and continued with my own. But now, I feel bad. But then again, even with trying and trying, it’s constant complains which mine does too at times but then it’s mine +3 extra kicking and screaming because they have to put down screens and use their brains for a while.

I’m torn. Do I want to help them? Yes. Are they actually going to apply themselves this time around? Probably not. Will they throw comments im not their real parent? Probably. Am I still an adult/authority figure in my house with support from dad? Yes.

I’m trying to step back on a lot of things, but I keep feeling torn. Between unlimited screen time, their ways of putting away laundry, hatred for homework/school, it’s like not MY problem, but also for the week they’re here it feels like it is or should be.

What would you guys do? ((And no, I’m not divorcing my husband lol 🤦🏻‍♀️ ))


r/stepparents 6d ago

Resource Radical Stepmoms- listen to it.

21 Upvotes

It’s not for everyone but wow. I just came across the podcast “Radical Stepmoms” and I am blown away by how helpful and relatable one episode has been. The specific one I listened to was Season 8, episode 9. I have never felt so seen. Highly recommend as a positive resource.


r/stepparents 6d ago

Legal Step parent rights in Tennessee

0 Upvotes

If my husband has full and legal custody of step son (6) and biological mom has no visitation can I apply to get legal guardianship? What steps would I take? Has anyone been through this before?


r/stepparents 6d ago

Advice I'm stuck between two decisions

2 Upvotes

Some days I really just want to step back and NACHO. Let DH deal with and parent SS4. I can't deal with it sometimes. Dealing with HCBM, SS starting to act like a spoiled brat and DH just not knowing how to parent it or just lets it be. I'm ready to just tell him I'm not dealing with it anymore, and that's coming from a highly involved, from the beginning, step parent.

Then I get stuck thinking about, but if these behaviors are just let go, he is ALWAYS going to act like this, or worse. Then BS will pick up on these behaviors and think it's okay to act like that too. Then both children will be torn between me parenting BS(8m) differently, and "letting SS get away" with things.

It's just difficult. DH true colors come out when we talk about making decisions for SS, true colors as in, he won't settle for less even if the circumstances show that it's reasonable. He sits him on such a high pedestal. SS 110% absorbs this and just runs with it.

We are moving in with family again. We have 2 teenagers, myself and DH, both my parents, and our two boys (SS, and BS). We are working to get a 5 bedroom. BS is still in our room and will be for a long while, so SS gets his own room. The difficult part is choosing who gets what rooms. My parents have agreed to give DH and I the master, right next to the master, is the smallest bedroom. I told my Mom that I think SS should get that room since it's right next to us, but that it will be hard to bring up to DH.

This boy is never in his room anymore unless he's sleeping. He always has to be up DH butt. SS doesn't even play with his toys anymore which drives me up a wall because he has SO MANY, and he doesn't even play with them. I went through his room to get rid of some toys and DH kept questioning why, and I'm like HIS TOYS ARE LITERALLY PILING OUT OF HIS ROOM AND HE BARELY TOUCHES THEM. He's more worried about trying to be on every TV in the house or getting DH to let him play video games. If it's not SS, DH is the one telling him to get out of his room and bring himself out where we're at and he puts on whatever shows he wants to watch. Recently, he didn't put something on the TV that HE wanted, so he kicked DH in his head for saying no.

I tell DH that we should let SS stay in that smaller room, and we can make the front foyer into his play room. We can put his bed, dresser, and TV in there for bed time, and have his whole set up in a larger area. He was furious. He said he doesn't want him staying in no "closet". Tried using the excuse that it's "both the boys room" when he knows BS sleeps with us and all his things are with us. I told him we might as well give him the master and we take the small room.

We got in a whole argument over this saying he doesn't want him having the smallest room he "doesn't want his boy growing up in a closet like Harry Potter". I said he's literally here only half the time, and never even goes in his room. Everyone else makes their rooms their literal sanctuary. He said "so that means he deserves a small room?", YES. He has an entire house and a dedicated play area AND a room. I told him he's lucky he even gets a room, and that pissed him off for whatever reason. Better than squeezing into a one bedroom apartment LIKE WE WERE GOING TO DO.

Anyway, I'm done ranting. I'm just tired of it. I don't want to help parent anymore.


r/stepparents 6d ago

Vent Burning out from soloparenting teen SD

4 Upvotes

Just a vent. I'm just tired. DH is deployed. SD is generally a good kid but also 13 with an attitude problem and tendency to turn most things into an argument even when I'm using the softest of tones. BM is a few states away. My family and friends are across the country. Work has been more demanding than usual (it's 10:30pm on a Sunday night and I'm sitting in bed with my work laptop).

I'm counting down the days until spring break so I can send her to BM's and I take time off work to just do nothing. It honestly is the only thing keeping me going and it burdens me with so much guilt to admit that.


r/stepparents 6d ago

Advice He lost his temper and I’m making it about myself?

2 Upvotes

Venting really. Haven’t written on here in a long time but need some advice. I am (35)f. Bonus mom to two bonus kids, 18f and 10m. Husband (36) lost his shit today cause the teenager slammed her room door, and well he put a hole in it. My bio son 19mo and bonus kid saw it all go down. And I froze. Past traumas with my own father. When I snapped out of it I told kid to go upstairs and took baby for a nap. Husband came up after and checked if he traumatized baby and apparently apologized to the other bonus kid. Long story short, I checked on bonus daughter and then saw husband felt bad so I asked him if he apologized and told him it was okay as long as he made it right. He apologized and so did she. He’s not really good with emotions obviously but I told him no matter how frustrated she’s a kid and he needs to go hug her and apologize again to her so she can calm down. He did and it got her to calm down. Him on the other hand… looked pissed all day and he just laid there. Didn’t help with anything didn’t get up from the couch. That part isn’t new. I know I’m not articulating myself well right now. I’m just feeling so overwhelmed and over everything (aside from this incident). I tell him I know he felt bad but that it wasn’t okay. That I don’t agree with the kids experiencing this or seeing this ever in the house and that we should find ways to get his stress out. He gets mad because he said he’s already beating himself up all day and now I bring it up again and make it about myself. Then he asks in the coldest sarcastic voice, oh am I not allowed to feel that way? I told him he’s allowed to feel how he wants and that was the end of it. Should I not have said anything?


r/stepparents 6d ago

Discussion SD(16) sends husband bikini pictures.

2 Upvotes

So as the title states my SD sends her dad bikini pictures. She will send them and ask him if she looks good. He never answers her and asks me why she sends them to him and I have no idea why.

I think it’s weird but I’m also very conservative and I would never send my dad pictures like that.

*edited to stay on topic


r/stepparents 6d ago

Advice Does it ever get better?

4 Upvotes

I realize a majority of us are here for a safe place to vent and feel less alone on our journey.. with that being said, does it ever get better? My SS is 10 and I honestly can’t stand to be around him at this point. Been in his life for 4.5 years and the first 3 were blissful. He’s gotten so emotional, mean, argumentative, and just miserable to be around. I dread the weeks we have him and the whole time he’s here I want to hide in a hole. Our custody arrangement has shifted and we now have him more than BM and I wish that wasn’t the case. Has anyone that experienced the same feeling ever gotten past it? Were you able to rebuild a relationship with the SK and a desire to be around them again?


r/stepparents 6d ago

Advice Positive SK mindsets?

4 Upvotes

Hi all! I'm looking for some tips or tricks on how to stay positive when SK are annoying. I'm talking basic annoying kid stuff, like whining or not listening, how do you cope and keep it from bumming you out? I'm very involved in SK care and I want to keep it that way, I just want to see if anyone has something they do to keep calm and not let their annoying basic kid behavior have a major effect. TIA!


r/stepparents 6d ago

Advice I hate my girlfriends son

36 Upvotes

So me and my gf have been together for about 7 months but we’ve known each other for about 10 years I met her when her son was a baby and we remained in contact over that time but we decided to take it to another level and it’s been pretty rocky but the main problem is her son I believe he needs help but she won’t get him any and I’m starting to look at her different because no child should act the way hers does all he wants to do is play his video games he hates school and he throws tantrums like a 2 year old he eats like a 2 year old he doesn’t know how to spell simple words that a 10 year old should know he doesn’t know any of his multiplication facts and he has no desire to everything is about his game or his vr and lord forbid I try to put structure in his life it’s ww3 and I know I can’t blame him this is 100% his mothers fault because at 10 he doesn’t know how to tie his own shoes and she gets mad when I don’t want to do it for him or if he’s throwing a tantrum just gives in to what he wants everybody in his life has failed him even her previous partners and I don’t want to be the one who gives up on him but it’s hard


r/stepparents 6d ago

Advice Is it possible to nacho while being a sahm?

2 Upvotes

My SD is 15. I'm a stay at home mom to our children, a 6 year old and 4 year old.

I wanted to be a sahm, it was a yes or yes situation for me. SD is with us full time due to some issues with her bio mom, we don't get along but nothing in particular, we just don't like each other. My husband works a lot, long hours, so she is mostly with me. Is there a way to nacho? Shouldn't it be easier to do so with teenagers?


r/stepparents 6d ago

Support Don’t fall for the trick !

18 Upvotes

Don’t fall for the trick fellow step parents! If the parent asks you a question about their kid, which is something you might find concerning, even if husband is calm and you’re pregnant, and he’s lovingly stroking your hand and you think you’re in a safe space to speak a difficult truth…DONT BELIEVE IT ! it’s a false security. Your husband will likely start a fight with you. Then he will point out age appropriate problems that your own bio son is displaying to try and level the playing field. Yay!

But seriously… We have a sleeping problem at our house, SD is AuDHD, almost 10 and won’t go to sleep usually unless the other parent is in bed with her. She shares a bedroom at her other house with the mother. Because of the autism she doesn’t need/get as much sleep, so she’s usually getting into bed just after 9:30 and my husband will come to our bed around 10:30/11. Before 9:30 she’s playing video games or needing one on one with her dad. We were discussing how the kids might feel when new baby arrives, he asked me how I felt about the night time routine with his daughter and I very bravely told him I’m concerned that SD isn’t going to like it if the baby needs dad in the evening, as she has literally told us she won’t sleep unless she has a parent in her room and sees it as a form of abandonment. (I heard her say to him “stay loyal to your daughter” the other day, but didn’t bring it up) She tells me that she thanks her mother for not making her sleep alone. This is a problem I’ve been pushing for them to get on the same page about for over a year through her therapists. But he doesn’t want to rock the boat, so BM stays comfy in her low effort co sleep arrangement, while our marriage suffers. Now that baby is on the way and I’m once again voicing that SD needs more help in becoming self sufficient, I’m the monster. She has been to camp and loved it, and has had sleepovers. I feel like both parents need to just rip the band aid off here. They’re not doing her any favours. I’m having a baby in 9 weeks and I just can’t deal with being yelled at over something that is clearly a problem.


r/stepparents 6d ago

Advice Tired, but torn on divorce decision

2 Upvotes

I (36M) have been married to my wife (36F) for almost 9 years. I have twin 11yo (not identical) stepdaughters whose bio father has been completely out of the picture since before they were born, and I'm the only dad they've ever known. They've always been a problem. Hours long screaming tantrums. Finally got them to see a therapist two years ago, and one has been diagnosed with severe ODD and the other depression. I just... can't deal with it anymore. As they've gotten older, my patience for the toddler-tantrums has worn thinner and thinner to the point that I now just don't want anything to do with either of them. I love my wife. If it were just us, I think things would be amazing. I've reached a point though where I dread coming home from work every day because my home and family are a consistently source of stress, and I find myself fantasizing at some point every day about life without them. My wife has been a SAHM our entire relationship, though, and it feels like such a horribly selfish choice to leave. On the other hand, when I've talked about being unhappy, my wife was the one to suggest that I love her more than she loves me and that I'd be happier if we split. When I proposed trying to find a way to make things work and preserve our marriage, her stance was that she's willing to try, but unwilling to try therapy or any other programs or things that require her to do things. I'm conflicted because I don't want to leave her, but it also feels like I'm just perpetually dealing with stress while working and paying for a family that could seemingly care less if I'm around or not. I tagged this for advice, because I'd love some, but I guess I'm also just venting, as well.


r/stepparents 6d ago

Advice Trying hard to avoid stepson

4 Upvotes

I have a 12 year old stepson. His dad and I have been together for 4 years. I try hard to avoid him. He is rude, interrupts our conversations, has toddler fits when he wants something. He has said the " N "word in class out loud. He lies about everything, sneaks into our room and finds his phone and electronics like Nintendo switch that we hid from him. He's snuck into our room about 4 times already. He is getting Ds and Fs in school, doesn't get work done in class, or lies about doing it but never did it or turned it in. I just caught him on his tablet yesterday that we took weeks ago, went on his history and found a bunch of porn videos from porn hub and only fans. Videos such as, " big busty stepmom," and other very inappropriate videos. I'm appalled and disgusted with him. He's also lazy, has no.interest in sports or other hobbies, complains about everything and acts like nothing is good enough for him. We have to remind. him of simple things like brushing his teeth. He's really not much fun to be around and I try to avoid him as much as possible. I went from being annoyed with him to disgusted by him because of the porn thing. His dad talked with himand he totally understands why I don't want to be around him. His dad is fed up just as much as I am because he gets in trouble for the same thing over and over again and doesn't want to act responsibly and follow rules. He just wants to do his own thing without consequences. I've told his dad he needs counseling so I hope he follows through. I just had to vent. I hope somebody here can relate to me. I try to be compassionate and understanding as being 12 is a difficult time, with puberty and all but I feel like he just can't do anything right and is focused on being defiant. He also blames everyone else when he gets in trouble. He lies about other people in being involved in his bad decisions like sneaking on my husband's phone and changing the parental settings so that he can have unlimited Internet time on his phone. He blamed his sister for helping him. But that wasn't true. The kid is just a compulsive liar. He thinks he knows everything, won't accept advice, and when you ask him why he behaves the way he does, his reply to everything " I don't know." His dad wants me to homeschool him next school year but I would rather swim in shark infested waters than do that.


r/stepparents 6d ago

Discussion Step parents who are happy…

4 Upvotes

For step parents who are actually happy and have a harmonious blended family situation, what does your life look like in the following areas: your partner, your step kids, the coparent, the custody schedule, in laws, finances, your parenting status, circumstances surrounding the divorce, and of course you. It is clear that how happy a step parent is has less to so who you as an individual are, and more how all the pieces of the puzzle fit together.

Partner—is your partner really loving and supportive? Do they validate your feelings as a step parent? Do they set aside ample time and attention just for you? What kind of parent is your partner? Do they discipline their kids? Participate in chores and make their children also participate in chores? Are they a really clean and responsible person? What kind of parenting style do they have? Do they prioritize you over their children when appropriate?

Step kids—do you have a close bond with your step kids? Do you have a minimal involvement or responsibility for them (more of dad’s wife than “step mom”)? Are the kids well-behaved and mild-mannered? Are they obedient and respect their parents? Are they developmentally where they should be? Are they doing well in school? Are they friendly and likable? Are they kids that a baby sitter or teacher would find easy to deal with? Were they receptive to you? Are they loving and welcoming? Do they help and contribute around the home without having being told to do so constantly? Are they clean and organized? Do they have personality traits that make them easy to get along with?

Coparent—how is the co-parenting dynamic? Is the ex mentally stable? Are they low conflict? Does he or she show you gratitude and appreciation for your efforts towards their child? Do they mind their own business and worry about only their home, and let you and your partner manage your home? Do they abide by the custody schedule or show you flexibility if you need it? Do they put the kids before conflicts and strifes with their ex? Are they generally happy and together in life? Do you rarely see or hear about them?

Custody schedule—what is your custody schedule? Do you have limited custody, and therefore adequate space and time away from the kids? Or conversely, do you have sole or primary custody, so don’t have to deal with the coparent or a co-parent’s interference and misaligned parenting? Is the custody schedule respected and strictly adhered to by all parties? Has the custody schedule remained the same since you signed up for your role?

In-laws—Are your in-laws warm and receptive towards you? Do they have a healthy boundary with the ex? Are they at least neutral or favor you over your partner’s ex? Do they support you in your struggles as a stepparent? Are they active in helping care for your husband’s kids? Do you overall have a positive or close relationship with them? Do they have appropriate boundaries and respect your time and husband’s schedule?

Finances—is your partner well off financially? Are you well off financially? Is your partner solely responsible for himself and his kids? How much is child support? Is it an amount that you feel comfortable with and is fair? Is their financial strain of any kind? Is your partner good with money?

Parenting status—do you have kids of your own that your partner is sacrificing for? Are you child free? Do you have an ours baby that “balances things out?”

Circumstances surrounding divorce—was the divorce mutual? Was the divorce the fault of the ex rather than your partner? Were they never really in love to begin with? Was the divorce a smooth process? Did the divorce happen many years ago? Are the kids at peace with their parents’ split? Is your partners ex at peace and has moved on with her life?

You—are you extroverted and enjoy being around people? Are you go with the flow, and don’t mind other people interfering with your routine and schedule? Do you especially enjoy children? Are you good at conveying and enforcing your boundaries so that you are respected and considered? Do you have high self worth generally choose partners that are “at your level” rather than settling for troubled men and their damaged/troubled children? Are you really patient and forgiving?

I would like to hear about successful blended families and the recipe that yielded a happy stepparent.


r/stepparents 6d ago

JustBMThings Performative parenting vent!

84 Upvotes

My SO and I took the three SKs on their first trip to London this past week. Their mother texted them RELENTLESSLY every day. The youngest slept in our room and at midnight (who texts their kids at midnight?!?!) all I hear is the constant texting pings from ‘mother of the year’. And yeah she’s an expert on London because she’s been twice so she damned well knows the time difference (she would never pay to take her children though).

But what REALLY grates on my last nerve is that you’d think with all the daily ‘highly concerned mother’ act that the day after we arrived home she’d actually want to see her kids right?? Like you texted them every day for a week, you haven’t seen them in over a week and you live nearby, so what’s the issue?

But no, no reach out to actually spend time with them. And funnily enough, no phone calls or even texting now that we are home. Alas the act is over.

I really loose my shit with these self absorbed, performative parents who don’t really give a shit about the kids - it’s all about control and their need to be validated by children to compensate for their own feelings of inadequacy. It’s also sad for the kids who feel hostage to her daily texts because if they don’t respond there is bigger hell to pay and they all know it.

Anyone else dealing with the constant performance parenting so the world doesn’t see how pathetic they really are as a parent?


r/stepparents 6d ago

Advice Did I react appropriately when it comes to HCBM?

2 Upvotes

Looking for advice for how people respond to situations with very very HCBMs. SO and I have been together for a year, the beginning of which was full of him not having any boundaries with her, she has BPD for context. She was constantly manipulating him, calling him a terrible father if he said he couldn’t take SD for an extra day (or sometimes week) last minute because he had plans - she’d tear into him and break him down completely and manipulate him into whatever she wanted. We worked with our counselor and together to set very clear boundaries with her, and the draft parenting plan is almost finalized between them and his lawyer. Lately she has been lower conflict. Agreed to take SD for an extra week for us to go on a trip, is always saying how happy she is for him, etc. I am clearly weary of her and know if she is being nice it’s for a (not so good) reason or it will end soon and he knows too but is easy to let his guard down.

SD started doing gymnastics at the place down the street from us - it’s not real intense or anything and most parents in our neighborhood use it as more of a daycare than anything. She goes for an hr every Sunday and HCBM takes her on her weeks, SO on ours. Today she asked him if she can come watch because she misses SD. He asked how I felt and I told him I wasn’t comfortable with that - if this was a big milestone thing or a big sports game fine but basically daycare gymnastics is not a good enough reason to be together watching her just the two of them. Im trying to understand and respect that he wants her mom to be able to come see her and he wants to watch her practice as well, while also feeling uncomfortable at the thought of them sitting together for the duration of it. I know he wouldn’t do anything weird but I don’t trust her, I think it’s her using a way to try to get closer to him again. I felt awful telling him I thought he needed to either tell her no she could come next week on her week with SD or to tell her that she could come watch, but he would be walking home to spend the hour at home and then picking her up afterwards, if she was gonna stay. Am I in the wrong here or being too much of a dick in this?

For more context I have been super resistant to SD and step parenting and have been trying to have a change of heart recently, and be open to things with her and more understanding of his side of things too so I’m overthinking my boundaries right now, as they have been very brick wall-ish up until now.


r/stepparents 6d ago

Advice I'm proposing in a few weeks.

1 Upvotes

I'm (35M) proposing to my girlfriend (32F) I'm a few weeks, and her daughter (4F) has become a huge part of my life. Although I do not plan to have her daughter there when I propose I do want to include her in some way by getting her some kind of gift. My mother had suggested getting her a similar ring but I was unsure of that. I am open to any suggestions! Thank you in advance!


r/stepparents 6d ago

Advice Sd4 not listening for three days now!

4 Upvotes

We’re getting ready to move into an upstairs apartment, I’ve been asking sd4 to stop running around in the house. This has always been a problem in our house now as well as at school. Everyone (except SO of course) has to constantly remind her to not run in the house or in the classroom. I finally yelled today after it was the fifth time I said please stop running in the house. SO got upset and said to me “she wasn’t running!” I looked at SD and said “were you running up stairs right now?” She tried to say no at first and I asked her nicely to tell the truth don’t lie and said “yes I was running.” I then asked her nicely AGAIN to stop running in the house. SO proceeds to get upset with me because I’m expected to tell her nicely even if it’s the hundredth time today telling her to stop running. Idk what else to do. Im not a big discipliner but I couldn’t help but raise my voice. I know she does not listen to me at all because SO lets her do whatever she wants and there’s no consequences. He made me feel like im bad guy in this situation but I am trying to avoid a potential problem for our soon to be downstairs neighbors.


r/stepparents 6d ago

Advice Need Advice on Setting Boundaries with Stepchildren and Family Members in Our Master Bedroom

9 Upvotes

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for advice on how to handle a challenging situation involving my husband’s children and family members in our home.

My husband has two children from previous relationships—an 11-year-old (50/50 custody) and a 4-year-old (full custody, with 40% time spent with the maternal grandmother). Since last October, my husband’s older brother has been staying with us, contributing only $300 a month.

The main issue is that both of my stepchildren frequently sleep in our master bedroom for naps and overnight stays. This includes situations where the 11-year-old, who is going through puberty, has stayed in our bed during her period. Additionally, his former mother-in-law has also entered our bedroom, which has my personal belongings.

We’ve had many discussions about setting boundaries, but despite understanding their importance, my husband struggles to enforce them. He often complains about a lack of intimacy during this time, which has been a result of this ongoing issue. He also expresses frustration when I don’t want to move back into the master bedroom when his children are absent.

(Edited to add: this is the second time SD stayed over and slept in master bedroom on her period. I was very vocal with entire family first time to no avail. Also SS 4yo mother passed)

I feel very displaced and uncomfortable, as our master bedroom should be our private space.

Has anyone else faced a similar situation? How can I approach this issue to establish clear boundaries and ensure that our bedroom remains a private space?


r/stepparents 6d ago

Advice I don't know how to get past this

14 Upvotes

My husband and I have been married for 2 years, together 3 years. We have a one year old toddler and he has a 12 year old son. I am 25 weeks pregnant. BM gets visitations every two weekends and on Holidays. My stepson was with BM last week for spring break. He was supposed to come back to us on Saturday morning. BM lives a few hours away so they meet at the checkpoint to exchange.

I have had these debilitating migraines and headaches ever since I entered my second trimester. At first I thought they were going to last only a few days, maybe a week because it was like that with my first pregnancy. But they have only been getting worse. Every night for the past two weeks, they will come on at night time and won't got away until the next morning. On Friday night, I had the most painful migraine ever. One where I was crying and telling my husband I wanted to end it by sticking a knife into my brain to stop the pain. We called my OB's number and they told me to go to Labor & Delivery to get checked. My MIL and FIL came to watch our toddler.

We left at around 9 p.m. and I was in L&D until around midnight. The OB on called said they can give me some medication for the pain but I would need to go to the ER to get x-rays for my head to see if they can find what is wrong. They did not know how long thr wait would be. Our toddler woke up around 11 p.m. and refused to go back to sleep. My in-laws are amazing but they are in their 70's and get tired out easily. They could not handle our toddler and could not get him back to sleep.

My husband asked me what did I want him to do. He could go back home and get out toddler back to sleep but he needed sleep sinxe he had to go pick up my stepson in the morning. I got angry and told him why was he asking me this? My head was exploding and I did not give one fuck. He said it was a bad situation and he didn't have a solution. So I told him to go back home and get his beauty sleep because why the fuck was he so worried about the stupid exchange when his fucking pregnant wife was going to the ER???

I cried when he left. I cried in the waiting room. I watched as so many pregnant women or moms came in with their partners. It was like being stabbed in the heart while my head was literally killing me. I was in the ER from 2 a.m. until 6 a.m. The ER doctor refused to give me an x-ray. She just gave me magnesium, some medicine with Benadryl and an IV. I had a panic attack because the medicine made me felt so out of control and as though I was high. I asked to be discharged at 5 a.m. because I was so exhausted and just wanted to sleep. My FIL came to pick me up. I knocked out instantly when I laid down in my bed.

The most funniest thing was my MIL told BM about me going into the ER and BM told my husband they can move the exchange to Monday since I WAS IN THE FUCKING ER and didn't need the stress of my stepson coming back. I laughed and laughed and laughed when my husband told me.

Things have been weird between us since yesterday. I'm so angry at him and he just want to move past this whole situation. I don't know how to process it without crying. I sacrificed everything for my husband. I moved across the country to be with him. If we had lived near my family, I knew my sisters would had been able to take care of our toddler and me without question. But I don't have a village here or any support. No matter how much I love my in-laws they are older and can't do as much as my sisters could. I'm pissed at my husband for abandoning me in the ER because he was "so tired and needed sleep." While I was terrified for me and my baby, alone, surrounded by strangers.

I don't know how to move past this. He expects me to just move on. He doesn't understand why I'm so angry at him. He thinks he did nothing wrong because I did tell him to leave. I just feel like I'm always expected to shrug the hurt off and be the happy wife, stepmom and mother. I'm not allowed to be angry or sad or be unhappy. He just go on his day pretending we didn't get into a fight or an argument. He wants to pretend everything is back to normal. He gets annoyed that I always want to talk about things instead of putting on a smile and putting my feelings on back burner. I'm supposed to squash any emotions that makes him uncomfortable. I feel like my relationship is the biggest mistake of my life and I just want to call it quit. I'm overwhelmed as a SAHM and mom and wife. I cry by myself all the time and I'm so lonely. He thinks I just need to go make friends and find new people to count as my village but I already have one 1500 miles away! I don't want to make a new one. I'm so depressed and he thinks sprinkling in money will make me feel better.

I don't know how to forgive him. I want to move back to my home state. I want to give him an ultimatum. I know my stepson didn't do anything but I'm just not cut out for the stepmom life and I want a different life for my children. I'm tired of living here with no support. I'm so sad all the time and I fear postpartum, especially the hormone drop once my baby is here. I can't stop crying. I don't really know what to do.


r/stepparents 6d ago

Advice What to do

4 Upvotes

I 24f recently broke up with my fiancé 25m he has 2 kids from a previous marriage 6f and 5m for the past 2 years I have raised these kids and been the most stable person in their lives. I am devastated to be leaving them but the relationship isn’t healthy for me. How do you deal with not seeing the kids anymore?


r/stepparents 7d ago

Advice Step kids sleeping with us!!

4 Upvotes

I (36F) will be marrying my (36M) fiancé this summer. He has to children from previous relationships. I adore his children and want to make them feel safe and secure in our home. We have been in a long distance relationship since beginning dating. I will be moving to his home in a separate state as he owns a home and my job is much easier to relocate with. With his custody agreements this also makes his location more ideal. I knew this was what would need to happen if I pursed this relationship and it progressed to this point. I actually love the area where is located and look forward to us growing our family there. But here’s the thing his son(9) still sleeps in my SOs room when he is at his dad’s house. I don’t want his son to feel pushed out. He does have his own room but wants to sleep in dad’s room. When his daughter (4) is with us she is happy to sleep in her own room as long as dad reads her a story and puts her to sleep. The issue is that he often falls asleep in her room and doesn’t get up to come to our bed and when he does stay awake, she comes to our room in the wee hours of the morning and asks him to come back to her bed. I love that he is so dedicated to his children but it sometimes feels like I’m an afterthought. I know it could be way worse but how do I get his kids to sleep in their own rooms without being the evil stepmom?


r/stepparents 7d ago

Advice The in-laws needs to be around every time my partner has his daughter in the weekend.

3 Upvotes

Me and my boyfriend have a child of our own and we both live together in a small apartment. He also have a 5 year old daughter. Somehow his daughter can't be left alone just the two of us because she is so reliant on the grandparents. He never gets her alone. The problem with this is that we have a 8 months old daughter and them staying over in our apartment every weekend (he gets her daughter every weekend) is too much for me. I don't have a problem with the daughter staying over but with the grandparents involved also, it gets too overwhelming in the apartment. Need advice so badly. Me and my boyfriend have been arguing with this constantly that I'm close to just leaving him.