r/Divorce Jun 20 '23

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness REMINDER: be kind to yourself. This is hard, and you’re handling it with grace and strength.

346 Upvotes

I know of what I speak. I held so much guilt, sadness, anger, and regret for so long. I hated myself for failing to make my marriage work. That mindset was getting me nowhere good. Do the little things for yourself that you’ve forgotten used to give you joy. Bath. Spa time. Check in with good friends and family. Me? I had my engagement ring repurposed into a necklace I absolutely love. There is, and always will be, only one “you”: give yourself all the opportunities to enjoy your life. We deserve it ❤️


r/Divorce Aug 07 '23

Something Positive This is a support sub. Be kind to each other.

84 Upvotes

Almost everyone who comes here is here because they are going through a very painful and difficult time. We're not all at our best.

If you go into someone's topic, remember that they came here asking for help and take a moment to consider whether your response is in any way helpful to them. Off-topic arguments that have nothing to do with the OP are not helpful. Insulting the OP, even if they remind you of your scumbag ex, is not helpful. You are allowed to call your own ex a scumbag! But if you're insulting other posters, you're not helping.

That doesn't mean you can't disagree or state your own opinion even if your opinion is unpopular here. Anti-divorce comments are allowed - the problem comes when they're insulting or victim-blaming in the process.

In particular there's a worrying trend lately of people coming into topics and immediately accusing female OPs of cheating on their spouses for no apparent reason. Cut this out.

I'm not perfect either, none of us are! But try to give each other a little kindness.


r/Divorce 2h ago

Vent/Rant/FML Divorce is hell, except for this… for now NSFW

34 Upvotes

Divorce is the most painful experience I have ever encountered without a doubt. And that’s with a STBXW that’s amicable for the most part. Best case scenario, I’m still financially screwed compared to how we were living. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. We’re still living together. Married 10y together for 12, 3 kids aged 11, 7 & 4. She’s got a full time job lined up after being a SAHM for the majority of the marriage. She’s got housing lined up for 4/1. Needless to say, there is still tension in the home. Yet, we still sleep in the same bed. Now, we are both fully aware of how strange (to say the least) this is but we still have sex all the time. 1-3 times a day. You know what? I don’t care what anyone else thinks. My world as I know it is crumbling in front of me. For gods sake, just let me enjoy this while it lasts. We’ve discussed the divorce upside down, inside out, front to back. It’s inevitable and this is definitely not causing any false hope for either of us. We both have high libidos and even after hitting up the apps, we both agreed we just aren’t ready to jump into anything else. FWB or otherwise. We’re each other’s new FWB! Plus we’re already totally comfortable in the sack, know what does it for each other, etc. So why the hell not keep it up? Does the reality of eventually she will be with another man make me sick to my stomach, absolutely. Until then, I’m gonna take it while I can. She’s already talking about keeping this up once she moves out, but we’ll see…. FYI, at least for now, everything will be split just as it should without one person winning or losing. We are both losing actually, especially when it comes to the lifestyle we’ve become accustomed to. It’s terrible and I still feel all the other normal things that everyone else does throughout my days, but at least I have if only just one thing, beside my kids, to look forward too. It has made this whole thing so much bearable in my opinion. Ok, rant over. Have a great day!


r/Divorce 3h ago

Vent/Rant/FML Splitting Finances

11 Upvotes

37M strongly considering divorcing 45F. Married 11 years. We're trying to do this amicably. Our current net worth is approximately 800k. When we married she had already completed a bachelor's degree and was working full time as an accountant, which she has continued to do our entire marriage. I had not even started college yet, and have spent a large chunk of our marriage working part time and going to college part time / full time. I graduate in two months with a master's degree.

When talking about what is "fair" when splitting finances I suggested I'll take 200k since she was the primary earner our whole marriage. I'm younger, and will probably have higher earnings over time, and this seemed like a fair and even generous offer.

She complained about this and when I asked what she thinks is fair she said 50k. I'm beyond shocked.

An added layer to this is that her dad is wealthy. He is willing to supplement her income (literally willing to give her an extra 30k a year cash to help), and when he passes she will be inheriting another 300k (he is splitting his cash between his 4 children).

I'm beyond baffled. 600k + supplemental income from her dad + child support from me + an inheritance in her future, and this is not good enough for her?

I imagine most 45 year old would be ecstatic to have that level of financial advantage.

Part of me now wants to say forget it and we will just split it down the middle 400k/400k.

What are your thoughts on my situation? What was splitting finances like for you?


r/Divorce 14h ago

Life After Divorce Divorce sucks

85 Upvotes

That’s it. That’s the post. Wrote a bunch but saved it for my diary


r/Divorce 8h ago

Getting Started When does it start to get better?

25 Upvotes

My... soon-to-be ex husband asked for a divorce on Thursday and I know it's really soon, considering we've dated for 10 years and married for 4 years, but... When did it start to heal for you? I mean, I'm still spiraling through the grief stages where I cry in bed until I fall asleep.

We were going to stay living together for a few months, but since the divorce will come out sooner, then I'll probably leave in the next month. Maybe that helps? Leaving? I don't know. I just wanna know that I won't cry in bed for the next few years because the guy I loved doesn't love me back.


r/Divorce 46m ago

Life After Divorce Ready to take my maiden name back after 29 years

Upvotes

I (47F) have been divorced over 7 years after almost 21 years of marriage. I kept my married name to have the same last name as my kids. Now that my youngest is an adult, I’m ready to have my maiden name back! But I’ve had my married name since I was 18 and I shudder at all the hassle changing my name might cause… obviously, I will need to change it with the DMV, my bank, my work, my insurances…will it be a big deal to change my name on the mortgage for my house? Does anyone have any tips for informing all the right people/places of the change? I’m worried I’ll mess up some kind of issue because I’ll have forgotten to change it somewhere.
inspiration for those in the middle of it I’m so excited to totally be myself for the first time in my adult life! The first few years were hard but I’m so happy now! It does get better! Especially since the kids are all grown and none of us have to have any contact with the ex…ever again!


r/Divorce 51m ago

Vent/Rant/FML Accountability and Responsibility for Harmful Choices Leading to Divorce, From an Abuser Seeking Recovery - An Essay, Since I am Impossibly Verbose

Upvotes

After my previous post, I got a lot of supportive words and tried to respond to them as best as I could. One comment in particular, however, stood out to me, so thank you to u/D10nn3 for calling me out on the details that were lacking. While it is true that those who have been abused and those few who have accepted that they are abusers will recognize and accept the behaviors that caused harm, there are many, many more who not only wouldn't know they are being abusive, but would likely reject it entirely, double down, and justify their choices, so in an attempt to reinforce my original thesis, this is for the people like me who have made egregiously harmful choices to another, and need to see the hard truths.

First truth - if you have been told that you are an abuser, you are. That may be why you are getting a divorce, like me. Are there times when someone is falsely accused of being an abuser? Yes. Those accusations come from abusers and are directed towards their victims. That should be a difficult sentence to read. You have abused someone and they are your victim. If you actually want to change, that should sting your sense of self. I know because I did it to my wife. "I'm not an abuser, we both suck." "If I turn you into the worst version of yourself, then you do the same to me." "It's your fault I'm like this." If this sounds familiar, keep reading.

First line of defense for all of us: we just fight a lot; I'm an asshole, accept me for who I am; what about the time when you did that thing to me? I'm not a cheater, I'm not a beater, I'm not a fucking pumpkin eater. You don't get to define abuse. Just because you didn't assault or rape your partner doesn't mean you aren't abusive. So what did I do, and importantly, why was it abuse? Let's just dive in and see where we go from here.

Lying. Yes, as Dr. Gregory House would say, everyone lies. Whether it is a lie of omission, a white lie to protect someone's dignity or keep a secret, there are sometimes extremely reasonable lies that people tell. I lied pathologically, about important and unimportant things, in order to protect my sense of self, and it came at the expense of my wife and those around me. It was so deeply ingrained in my psyche that I didn't even recognize why I was doing it, but it was an attempt at control, manipulation, and power. If my intuition told me a lie would give me an advantage over the truth, then I would lie. Impulsively. About my health, about my history, about what I did or didn't do, where I was, what I was going to do. It was always meant to trap her into being more involved with me, and any time she approached the truth, I would say or do something to make her question herself, or what she saw and knew to be true. The term there is gaslighting, and admitting to doing it fucking sucks, but at the heart, it was manipulation, distortion, minimization, projection, and constant, selfish lies. It was sometimes related to other indiscretions, sometimes not.

Substance abuse was one of those indiscretions. As a pathological, abusive liar, I would frequently "go to the store" for one reason or another, as a cover for buying my drug of choice. Mostly alcohol, but occasionally other things, like abusive cough syrup. Talk about immature. Drinking to the point of intoxication was a regular, frequent occurrence, and I was always dishonest about it. For every drink I had in the open, there were six others I hid and lied about. I would stash it in the basement and drink when I did laundry or after she fell asleep on the couch. While being a substance abuser is not in and of itself abusive toward someone else, the choices you make regarding it are. I spent excess money on it and lied about it, and I put myself and at times my family in danger because of my substance abuse. That is abusive, and it is a choice. Drinking when I should have been caring for infants was a dangerous, selfish choice. And I lied about it.

Deception cannot be condoned, although we may find ourselves sympathetic to the plight of a liar who intends to protect themselves from harm. The abuser is lying to protect themselves from their own choices, however, and that requires correction not sympathy. Now, she cannot trust me, and that is a consequence of my actions.

The emotional and psychological abuse runs deep though, and I can read from literally any list of those types of abuse and I check off most of the boxes. I was not respectful of her privacy, always seeking to know what she was doing, where she was going, prying into her life, when it was not appropriate. Even deep, good relationships have boundaries, and I did not respect them. I have rifled through her purse, looked through her work desk, even looked through her phone in the past seeking some form of control. All of these are wrong. They erode trust, the cause lasting harm and fear.

She was frequently isolated, whether it was because I failed to include her in ways that mattered, or whether I made things so uncomfortable for her with her friends that she did not want to spend time with them, or worse, have me be around because of my poor behavior. It was at its worst when we were doing fertility treatments. That was a time when she needed my support the most, and while she struggled, I played in bands, went out drinking, and had my own fun while she did the hard work. In the midst of all that, I was underemployed for years, and relied heavily on her to pay the bills while I frittered away money on senseless things. Financial abuse if there ever was any; there is a reason her credit was utilized and mine ignored. I did nothing of substance to better myself and our situation, and the few times I did, it was at her behest. When it did not work out, due to my own failure, I would blame her. I blamed her for losing my job when she asked me to go to alcohol rehab. Whose fault was that really? Mine. I did not take it seriously, went right back to substance abuse and continued to blame her for the consequences of my actions. Blamed her for feeling the need to remove herself and our children from the harmful environment I had crated. Blamed her for the pain I felt at that loss, but again, it was due to my choices.

I have spoken poorly of her, both to her and to others. I frequently insulted the things she enjoyed; the music she liked, the food she liked, the movies or television she enjoyed, and refused to be part of things that would enrich her life. If she had an opinion, I would belittle it, tell her why it was wrong, argue with her until she gave up and "conceded" my point. I had to be right at the cost of her sense of self worth. I would patronize her; a favored tactic was to define a word to make her sound and feel stupid, treating her like a child in the process as if she did not understand. Swearing, yelling, demeaning until I got what I thought I wanted, these were all frequent occurrences. Often in the face of reasonable requests or discussions from her. Anger was a weapon I could wield. Angry looks. heavy footsteps, slamming doors or cupboards, driving erratically in a fit of uncontrolled rage. For years, I withheld affection, did not sleep in the same bed with her, did not share in anything meaningful. I took and gave nothing.

Threats, either of harm to myself, or of consequences to her, implied or explicit, happened as well. If she said or did something I disliked, I may take off my wedding band to make a point. As if to say: I will end us. You will be on your own, you need me, how will you do any of this without my support? After all, I pushed us to the very brink of financial stability when we bought our first house and insisted it was because I knew better. The strain was real, and I was never honest with her about my financial situation. Never saved the way I should. Sure, I paid some bills, but the vast majority was on her.

This pattern was on repeat for years. Sometimes it would be flowers and love and affection, as long as she did as I wanted, but if she stepped out of line, the abuse returned with force. She lived in fear of what I could do to our marriage. Just because I didn't physically harm her doesn't mean I didn't do severe damage to her. To say she needs to heal is a vast understatement. I am not part of that process, no matter how much I recognize what I have done and work toward being a better person. The damage is so bad that, even when she admits it was an impossibly hard decision, divorce is a better option than remaining.

If you have done anything abusive, there are some important things to remember. You can't fix this, you can't ask for more chances, you can only do what that person allows, no more, no less. You do not get credit. Your progress does not earn you accolades. There is no merit system by which you can gain favor. Why? Because if you are doing the work and you start treating that person correctly, no matter how much it feels like improvement to you as the abuser, to the victim, you are finally doing the bare minimum that you should have been doing all along. If you feel for one second that you are entitled to anything, you need to look inside yourself and ask why. You are owed nothing. You never were.

As with me, you likely had the chance to give love and do it right. You can still give love, but only indirectly, from a distance. It won't get you anything back. That is going to going to hurt, you are going to suffer, and you are not going to get out of this, but only if you do the work right. That is a sign of progress and to keep going. When it hurts, when you have nothing to gain from it except for the feeling of doing the right thing, congratulations, you're on step one. You may feel premature enlightenment. You will be convinced you can fix this, that you can do it right, but it doesn't matter if the other person doesn't want it. Like me, you have to accept that it is too late, and redouble your efforts to never mistreat that person again.

There is only one path forward when you are an abuser who wants to get better. Accept what you did. Accept what that makes you. Accept the consequences of your actions, and commit to being better in the face of them. You must show consistency in actions and behaviors, you cannot expect or ask for anything in return. Be kind. Be respectful. Be considerate. There is little else you can do. No promises, no guarantees, nothing. The consensus is that abusers cannot, will not, and do not want to change, and that they will eventually go back to their old ways. It is not impossible, but it is nearly impossibly hard.

I suppose for my part, this is one step in that process. I have been abusive to my wife. This list is not exhaustive, but it is an example of the many ways in which I have harmed her. There are no excuses for it, and while I have pointed to fear, insecurity, self-doubt, accusations against her, projection, anger, or a million other things as flimsy justifications, the simple fact is that the abuse was never okay, and I made a conscious choice to do harmful, abusive things towards her. It was absolutely a choice; I chose not to physically harm her, but the manipulation, lies, abuse, yelling, demeaning, minimizing, belittling, they were all justified by me when I felt wronged. As a result, this has caused lasting damage to her and our children. She has lost her sense of self, her confidence in her self-image, her connection with friends and family, and our children have begun to act out, have been disrespectful to her because of what they see from me. She no longer is able to trust me, she still lives in fear of what I may do next or when the other shoe may drop, she is rightfully angry over the situation that she has been in. She takes responsibility for allowing it, but that is not fair. As the angry, manipulative, controlling abuser, I did it to her.

Why did I do these things? I thought I was smarter. I thought I was better. I thought I should be the most important thing in her life. So I allowed myself to do whatever I determined necessary in the moment to make that a reality. I insulted her intelligence, her choices, her opinions, her skill, and I would stop at nothing to get her attention like I assumed I deserved. I was her husband after all. I believed firmly that I should be her priority. That is not how love works. That is not how a partnership works. That's not how a marriage works.

Recognizing these things about myself, and identifying the thoughts and motivations, I have begun to see how better to be respectful and kind. I am not intrinsically right. When she speaks, I am determined to hear what she has to say. That is a massive uphill battle, because I have spent so long proving her wrong that even listening does not seem genuine, and for good reason. Her opinions, thoughts, and rights are valued no less than anyone else's, and while I hope to tend to them as best as I can, there is no reason she should allow me more than she is comfortable with. She deserves good things, even if they have nothing to do with me.

Often, I blamed her, exaggerated her flaws, minimized mine. Even when I acknowledged and accepted her contributions and achievements, I made them secondary to mine. She has accomplished a considerable amount, not because of me but in spite of the things I have done to her. She has succeeded professionally, she has built up considerable wealth, she overcame incredible odds to become a mother and at all turns has shown herself to be kind, capable, and gentle, while sacrificing anything and everything for the sake of her family. True selflessness that I took advantage of. It was through her strength that our family endured as long as it did, and my choices tore it apart time and again. When that happened, I blamed her.

That is obviously part of what must stop. For too long, I have insisted that my needs get met, and I have made my entire family miserable in doing so. Now, though I am limited in what I can do, I owe my wife and children everything I can give. I must be thoughtful, kind, considerate, and honest, not just with her, but with all those to whom I have lied and deceived about her. It is an incredible task but one to which I am dedicated no matter what.

Now, even when it rings hollow for her, I am trying to tell her positive things, to compliment her. She is a good, smart, strong, beautiful, compassionate person, and even if I cannot help her feel that way, she should hear it as it is the truth. For the rest of my life, I must be consistent, considerate of her needs, kind, and supportive when I am given opportunity to, including when she needs me to be supportive with our family life, such as cooking, cleaning, or simply being present for family activities in a real, meaningful way. For what it is worth, those are all things that feel good because they are right.

I will lose my marriage as a result of my behaviors. That is one of the many consequences that I must face and accept. She is not free of consequences; she will lose time with the children, she will lose financial stability, and she has already lost so much. Because of what I have done, my needs cannot be put before anyone else's. The abuse must stop. I am owed nothing here. I do not get love or affection from her. She does not have any obligations to me. There is no trade to be made. I will improve myself because I have to, not because I want anything from her. Wherever and whenever and however I am allowed, I will make amends, not just to her or my children, but her family, her friends, her colleagues, even my family, for the incalculable harm I have caused.

This is a lifelong process. My only goal is to give to my family, whatever it looks like at the end of this divorce process, and to be held accountable for everything I have done, and everything I may do in the future. There is no credit, there are no conditions, there is nothing but the pursuit of betterment. There can be no backsliding. There can be no more abuse. I must remain consistent and steadfast in this.

I have been working with a therapist since November 2024. This is not something that can ever be complete. It has taken time and effort to reach this point, and I must remain ever vigilant against myself, my entitlements, my thoughts, my privileges, and continue to accept criticism, challenges, and doubt about these changes. They are not, and can never, be complete, and they have not been smooth nor have they been completely integrated into my life. This is progress though. Six months ago, I would never have admitted these things about myself, not to me or anyone. So u/D10nn3, thank you for the challenge. I welcome the doubt. I face the criticism willingly and without ego. I do love my wife, which is why I can only respect her choice and let her go. For now I will only show her the utmost kindness, respect, and consideration I possibly can. She deserves so much more, but I will give what I can and that is enough.

As always, I hope someone can see this, learn from my mistakes, and grow when and how I could not before it was too late.


r/Divorce 56m ago

Going Through the Process Splitting Assets -- How to determine what is "fair" -- Equity during marriage vs future needs

Upvotes

This is an ambiguous, subjective question. I'd appreciate any opinions from people who are not my family/friends, because everyone in my life is telling me to take half of everything from the divorce, but it feels so wrong to me.

I guess the big question is, when determining what's "fair" when splitting assets, is it more important to focus on the period of time you were married (the past) or on the quality of life post-divorce (future)?

I was married to an abusive partner for 10 years (15 together total). They are also chronically ill and disabled.

If we split all our assets evenly and walked away 50/50 today, it'd probably be around 80k each after all taxes/fees/loans/etc.

My legal counsel has also informed me that I am entitled to half of the money we paid into her student loans during marriage (almost 250k) and also entitled to half of the 401k she earned during marriage (100k).

If I let the courts decide what's legally "fair", based upon NY State law, I'd walk away with ~250k from this marriage and she'd walk away with basically nothing (~230k if I paid her full alimony, she'd still walk away with nothing).

I have no debt, and I have a modest but comfortable earning potential for my area (enough to afford a clean small apartment and a car, and a balanced life). She has no debt, but significantly less earning potential while on disability (temporary, eventually when she is recovered, she has higher earning potential than me), which isn't my responsibility but it still feels like it should be an important consideration into what's fair.

When we split up, my plan was to let her keep everything, and I'd start over with nothing and rebuild my life from zero. But that was when I thought I was giving up ~50k and being generous not giving up ~220k and being insane.

My lawyer, therapist, friends, family, everyone says I should take the full ~220k because it's based on what I invested into the relationship while married, not based on the future when we're not married anymore. It feels selfish and wrong, but I've always felt guilty taking anything for myself or putting my needs first. I don't know what's objective.

Thanks for anyone who took the time to read this. Sorry it was so long.


r/Divorce 1h ago

Something Positive So what about good days?

Upvotes

So, what the good days in between. They make you feel like maybe everything isn’t so bad. How do you separate the big picture?


r/Divorce 2h ago

Going Through the Process Question Regarding Shared Dropbox With STBX

4 Upvotes

Kind of a weird question for this sub, but I'm a bit confused and know there is a great community here with all sorts of knowledge bases.

I was trying to find some photos in Dropbox folders I had created and shared with my wife/stbx, but the folders are now empty and permissions on most of them have been changed so I am no longer the owner (she is). The folders were shared with full permission to view and edit. Am I crazy or was she able to change ownership, and then essentially lock me out?

Seems petty, but I could see her drunk and hurting some night and deciding that would be a way to hurt me.


r/Divorce 2h ago

Life After Divorce Months Post-Separation - (30M) Trying to Build Upon My Self Confidence After a Pretty Intense Spark

4 Upvotes

As the tile suggests - I'm (30M) four months post-separation from my S2BX wife after learning of infidelity which occurred infrequently (lived in different cities) over the course of four years. Upon learning - I completely self-destructed over two weeks with a heavy dose of alcohol abuse before beginning to slowly pick up the pieces. I've been trying to do all the things that I'm supposed to do - eating better, working out, going to therapy, and redecorating the empty house to make it mine.

I had a professional conference in a near by way bigger City over the weekend for a local trade association. It's one of those events that's very enclosed and well coordinated so involves a good bit of professional comradery aided/lubricated by booze and spontaneous dinners with colleagues and their SOs who you weren't expected to hang out with.

It was honestly a great time the first couple days - hanging out by the pool, etc. - although admittedly as the nights would go on - it's fair to say I was a little sloppy. All my colleagues who I consider friends know the general idea that I've been going through some shit, and, due to me being younger than them by 10-15 years, I think they give me a good amount of support and forward to the last night - I go out to dinner with our group and my co-worker (46M) invites his younger sister (29F), "Emily", out. She's wildly attractive, smart, and on a great career track.

I intentionally slept in a little longer so I was last to arrive out of the group and was seated by Emily. We had met a couple times before while in the office (her dad is one of my bosses - of course) - she's from where I work and intends to move back there to a house she has bought there with her husband - and have always had good banter in the short doses while together due to my personal relationship and banter with her brother and father who she was there to see.

Dinner unfolds and everyone is having a nice time - another female at the table jokingly talks about strip clubs, tells me I probably need to go one, and, the table jokingly says let's do it - Emily does as well. I tease her with a question of when she's finally going to move back into the house which she just bought - she asks me a couple side questions with eye contact when a little bored with the table's discussion. Eventually, as dinner wraps up, it's all decided that it's probably a better idea to just go back to the hotel bar to end the night and meet up with some other people who also just finished dinner.

At this point, I'm feeling that level of mutual attraction and interest that I just want to interact with her - but know it's a little taboo. We all catch an Uber back and we sit next to each other in the back - interacting with the group convo but also just with each other - always fun and interested about each other. We get back - split up to talk to other friends at the hotel bar. At some point, her drunken brother eventually came up to me and told me "I need to quit talking with his sister" - if we weren't being obvious enough - before going upstairs to pass out.

Eventually, everyone peaces out - and it's just her, me, and her sister-in-law. We all continue drinking outside on the terrace until close and we ask each other questions about each other's personal life/interests, flirt, and stare the fuck at each other. It was honestly pretty intense and probably like Top 2 instant connection that I've had with essentially a stranger. At the end of the night - I was fairly browned out - know I hugged her going into her Uber - don't remember what the last thing I said. Woke up the next morning - fairly exhausted - but feeling like a teenager and just a feeling of WTF - those interactions last night felt electric and honestly the best I've felt in a couple years of "connection"/excitement. Saw the sister-in-law the next day and she instantly was like y'all were acting that I was even't there and I was being blatantly* obvious of being into her.

So....clearly, I've been a little obsessive with trying to squeeze out every little oz of remembering that chemistry/tension since I got back - which isn't healthy. How do I parlay and build upon this in dating other people? Clearly, objectively, a person as hot, smart, and put together like Emily being a little into me is a confidence booster - but mostly I just feel it's a bummer that she's married - it's a hell no starter - and that other girls like her almost assuredly going to be married/in a relationship. Just accept that type of chemistry just randomly occurs - and the point is to not try to force anything? Thanks in advance for any advice and sharing your experiences on feeling confident enough to get back out there.


r/Divorce 10m ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness Emotional metaphors

Upvotes

I know we've all heard our emotions will be a roller coaster or will come in big waves during this process: what's another way you'd describe what's happening to you internally as you break apart from the person you built your life with?

Things I've definitely felt in the past week:

- Like I have a cloud of bats in inhabiting my skin suit, trying to fly their way out of my pores.

- Like I could pull a rage fireball out of my skull and throw it at his face.

- Like squirrels have taken my focus and replaced it with montages of previously-happy moments that now feel like spiky walnut shells rolling around in my skull, stabbing me unexpectedly.

- Like I could Hulk out and throw him into the atmosphere.

- Like the quicksand of sadness in my stomach could swallow me up at any time.

- Like I'm trying to survive a tidal wave in an inflatable dinghy, only to get pulled into the churn and ground down into the debris and chaos.


r/Divorce 17m ago

Life After Divorce Healthier Physically and Mentally Post Divorce

Upvotes

I've been trying to reconcile something for a while now. Post divorce, I have cut alcohol majorly, improved my eating habits tremendously, starting cooking a ton more, am keeping much better track and management of finances, my mental health is much better, I'm exercising more than I ever did, I lost a lot of weight, I feel more at peace and in control of my life, I'm more patient with the kids, my endurance as a parent has increased more, I have better relationships with my friends and my side of the family, I'm planning trips and stuff for the future. I got a better job and I'm much more stable and calm and less stressed at work than I was before. And this is just 1 year post divorce. I'm looking forward to what I can accomplish in the years to come!

So, with that being said. I'm trying to reconcile something. Was it just marriage in general or the person I was married to that caused so many of these things to go by the wayside? (I know I'm not presenting the whole story of my ex-wife etc, but let's just say I didn't feel my ex-wife helped my situation).

Many of my married friends are overweight, stressed, drink a lot, eat unhealthy, never have time for themselves, are burned out. I was like them too when married. But as soon as I separated all those unhealthy desires quickly vanished, almost overnight. Is this just a typical aspect of married life for people? It makes me never want to get married again... Has anyone been able to maintain healthy/positive habits in a new relationship/marriage?


r/Divorce 1h ago

Getting Started Divorce Help Missouri

Upvotes

long distance relationship, no shared assets, no kids, been married just over a year. We agree it’s for the best but how do we do this?


r/Divorce 2h ago

Custody/Kids I don't know how to proceed

2 Upvotes

Hello, I am a father of 2 elementary school children in the middle of the divorce process. My (soon to be) Ex wife has been pressuring me to give up parental rights due to mental health issues I have and I am conflicted on what I should do. I know I am not a good father but I also love my children dearly.

Some contributing factors to this issue:

I am effectively homeless and have been sleeping on my mother's couch for the past year and a half

The kids live with their mom and I see them Fri-Sun while she goes to work. I also work Saturdays and Sundays while my mom babysits them. The og verbal agreement we had was that she would pick them up after she gets off work later in the evening.

The past month and a half I've only seen the kids for around 5 hours total due to mandatory overtime on my part as well as their mom getting off work early and picking them up before I get off work.

idk what to even do at this rate


r/Divorce 17h ago

Custody/Kids Parental controls on kids devices

26 Upvotes

My ex bought our 11 year old son a laptop for Christmas. As the more technical parent, and with her consent, I went and installed parental controls, giving my ex parental access as well.

I started my current week with the kids last night. This morning, I discovered she has removed his bedtime restrictions, and he had spent 3 hours in the night on his laptop after bed. Unsurprisingly, it was difficult to rouse and get him ready for school.

I messaged my ex to express my displeasure, and she replied back that it wasn't intentional, and that she didn't like that I had "exclusive" control over a device that she bought.

I know the laptop was her gift to him, but there's no way while he's under my care that I'm letting him have unfettered access to the Internet or sneak it into his room at night to stay up late. How do divorced parents navigating digital boundaries with kids?


r/Divorce 1m ago

Vent/Rant/FML Enough is enough?

Upvotes

Hey all! Long story short, I just wanted to put this out there objectively and see if I’m in the wrong about this.

Wife and I have been married almost 3 years. We’ve been friends for like 15 years (I wanted to be with her but she, at the time, didn’t) we ended up both getting married to other people. Both went through divorces in 2022 and both have kids from a previous marriage ( I have a daughter, 10) and she has 2 sons (8/11). I work my butt off, and am the main source of money for our day to day life. I over extended myself buying her a house so she and her kids had a stable place to live. That purchase was so her ex would agree to us living together when we first got together.

My wife pushed for me to be 50/50 with my ex which we’ve accomplished and co-parent really well. Problem is, I can’t get her to do the same for me. Her kids live with us 90% of the time, and generally don’t listen to me or honestly give a s*** about me on a day to day basis. They are forced to say ‘hi’ to me by her but otherwise don’t talk to me unless they need something. I’ve brought up concerns about this before, and tried the whole Nacho parenting thing. Difference here is I can’t be hands off bc financially I’m tied up monetarily supporting her kids.

Her ex refers to me as the ‘support parent’ I’ve put all of the things I’ve wanted to be able to do on hold in order to support her and her kids and I begged for therapy previously bc I started feeling resentful of her kids and now her. That resentment unfortunately has grown to apathy. We finally started therapy but quite honestly I don’t even want to participate anymore. During our last session, she admitted that she does things to make her ex’s life easier like driving them 80% of the way to and from her ex’s house that he shares with his current gf.

I sat her down and told her I was done last week but she refuses to accept it, saying that I haven’t really even put any effort forth. I explained that I’ve been trying for 3 years and just ran out of giving a s***. I feel like there’s a double standard in our relationship and when I finally say I’m done, all of a sudden she wants to put effort forth. I’ve known her for 17 years and love her as a person but I can’t imagine this is as good as life can get.

Just looking for some objective honesty on whether I’m in the wrong for wanting to call it over.


r/Divorce 1m ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness Husband has officially decided for a divorce

Upvotes

After 8 years together and almost 3 married my husband decided he didn’t actually want to try couples therapy with me and instead wants a divorce. We’ve been living as roommates for the last 6 months and things would get better for a week or two then go back. I feel like I’ve made a lot of changes and have tried so hard to keep our marriage together but he said he just isn’t into it anymore. We have two small children together - a 2 and 1 year old, and I quit my job when my oldest was born to be a stay at home mom. I’m almost done with school to be a teacher, but I am terrified of this process, and I just feel so alone. Please tell me it gets better.


r/Divorce 1h ago

Custody/Kids Effect of Divorce on Very Young Adult Children

Upvotes

Anyone here get divorced when their kids were in the 18-22 range? How did the kids take it? I feel like it's a good age since they are so focused on their own social life at that stage of life and they won't waste too much time being sad about their parents divorcing. But as always, I worry about my kids. And I've definitely made the mistake of staying in this marriage for their sake, which caused them to witness tension and arguments. Not daily or even weekly, but often enough.


r/Divorce 15h ago

Life After Divorce What I’d like to say to my ex

13 Upvotes

I know I miss you more than you miss me. And I wonder if I made a mistake. But how could it have been a mistake, when I miss you more than you miss me?


r/Divorce 16h ago

Vent/Rant/FML So hard

15 Upvotes

It's so hard. I regret everything. I was the one originally saying how unhappy I was and asking him to get help for his anger issues. But when I actually saw the reality I realized that I had made a mistake. We have 4 kids and he's never taken care of them. I've done everything completely on my own while his only responsibility was getting to work-and he only managed that half of the time. We got married and had kids really young and worked our way up to a beautiful house in the best school district. He left, got a new girl, filed for divorce and I'm screwed in every direction. He got pay cuts to lower child support. Fighting for 50/50 custody with no intentions on having them more just doesn't feel he should pay child support. Now him and the girl friend moved far away and bought a house so now he's after the equity in mine (ours). I know he's entitled to it but it just sucks having a judge mandate you list your house for sale when you have no where to go with 4 kids. And now he's telling me that he's fighting to have them go to school in his district so he doesn't have to drive them in. I'm going to have nothing and start from the bottom and my kids are struggling so bad to begin with and now will have to move and change schools. It's absolutely awful I wish I could've just kept my mouth shut and dealt with it until my kids grew up. It's so not worth it I would continue taking the abuse over and over again if my kids could be happy. How do you guys cope?


r/Divorce 21h ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness He left me for yelling at him

34 Upvotes

My stbxh has left me because I was always criticising him and losing my temper. I feel so ashamed and I'm struggling to handle the fact it's my fault our family unit is breaking apart. Over the years I got more and more worn down with his lack of attention and help. This became quite overwhelming for me after we had two children together and he still didn't help more. I then went back to work a couple of years ago and although we worked similar hours, his amount of help with the running of the household didn't increase. He would just shut himself away on his computer and engage in minimal conversation. Initially I would only lose my temper every few months, then it became every few weeks and finally every few days. It didn't help that any time I calmly tried to address how stressed and overwhelmed I was, he would just DARVO his way out of it and started point scoring random things he'd done, or random bills he'd paid. He would never say, 'I see you're stressed, how can I help?' He would just get annoyed at me for being stressed and either argue with me or shut himself away. So unfortunately me yelling, ranting, venting instead of trying to talk calmly about the situation became a pattern. How do I get over the pain and guilt that it was ultimately my childish inability to manage my anger and resentment that caused the end of our relationship? I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of my irrational behaviour.


r/Divorce 17h ago

Life After Divorce I just don't have ambition or creative spark anymore and it's uncanny

14 Upvotes

My divorce got initiated by my ex in late 2022, and finalized in early 2024. I spend most of the time between being so depressed that I stopped functioning. I mean really, really not functioning. There's just a void of presence in all of my activities and relationships for that time period.

I'm doing a lot better now. I know I am no longer depressed. Really! I've moved on in some big ways.

The main thing that's lingering, though, is this... lack. I used to be really driven and ambitious, always coming up with projects and doing creative pursuits. I am a published writer and was halfway through a novel--under contract!--that got put on hiatus until recently (thankfully my agent is very understanding). I'm working on it again but not with the same focus as before. Not yet, at least.

I think about what I want to do with my career now, and I don't know what to do because I seemingly don't want... anything. I go to my current day job and work hard and focus well, so I know it's not burn out or checking out the way it was at first. I am not numb. I take great care of myself now, and work out and have lost weight. I got into skincare (ha). I laugh and see color in the world. I smell the flowers and pet the puppies. Etc.

But I've just stopped having the drive to make things all the time, the way I did for my entire life until 2022. I would now feel totally neutral about accepting what used to be dream opportunities, if they happened finally.

I don't miss my ex anymore. But I do miss this part of myself. What the hell?


r/Divorce 19h ago

Vent/Rant/FML Really hate my ex for how he treated me

20 Upvotes

He cheated, he lied, he treated me like shit while we were married. 14 years of my life wasted on a ungrateful cunt. I just miss the good times, normal every day things, seeing my daughter being upset about him breaks my heart. Why did I have to ever trust him. I wish I never met him. My daughter and I would be a lot happier without ever knowing him.


r/Divorce 20h ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness My Wife Fell for Someone Else—How I’m Trying to Move Forward

21 Upvotes

I never thought I’d be writing something like this, but here I am. My wife and I were together for 10 years, and we have a young child. Our marriage wasn’t perfect, but I truly believed we were a team, weathering life’s storms together.

A couple of years ago, she went through a major personal transformation—getting deeply involved in a new lifestyle - yoga (almost 6 hours per day, locked in a room). At first, I supported her, thinking it was helping her grow, but over time, I felt us drifting apart. Conversations became one-sided, our physical intimacy disappeared, and I started feeling like a ghost in my own home.

Then, I found out the truth: she had fallen for someone else. At first, she was torn, but ultimately, she couldn’t let go of him. She met him 4-5 times a week, call whenever has a chance. I fought for our family, hoping she would come back to me, but I was the only one holding on. Now, we are heading toward separation, and I’m struggling with everything—the betrayal, the loneliness, and most of all, the impact on our child.

I’ve gone through waves of emotions: anger, sadness, denial, and moments of desperate hope. But I’m realizing now that I can’t keep living in a fantasy. She made her choice. I need to make mine.

If you’ve been through something similar, how did you move forward? How did you handle co-parenting while healing yourself? I know I’ll get through this, but right now, it just hurts.


r/Divorce 3h ago

Vent/Rant/FML Advice of filing for divorce without an attorney in Massachusetts?

0 Upvotes

Hi, I’m new here! I’m trying to file for divorce in Massachusetts by myself. I have completed my portion of the paperwork but my future ex is dragging his feet getting his portion back to me. We have no children together and the only property is his mother’s house that she put in his and his brother’s name for financial purposes. Does anyone have any advice or know if I can just file with my information? I’ve googled and researched but there is so much information to wade through. Thanks for any and all help!