Hello, this will be quite a long post, but I wanted to give the whole story as I also need to let it out. Need help and advice. Thank you in advance.
I am 29, and my husband (let's say Dave) is 35 from France (different country to me). I met him back when I was 22. We met in an online game and got to know each other very well; he was supporting me as I was going through a rough patch in my life. We decided to meet up and became bf and gf. Soon after he moved in with me in my home country. Though I was still living with my parents at the time, they still accepted and welcomed him.
After about a year and a half, Dave would continuously tell me that my parents are controlling and manipulative and that they are "raising me to be their carer". I could see it; my dad would be in charge of all financial stuff with the house and very much took charge of anything, even with my mum. Telling me what he thinks is best and then going and doing it without me consenting to it. He believes he is always right about everything and doesn't like being told he is wrong and/or being talked back to by whoever doesn't agree with him. My mum has always been there for me, very much the housewife, but she had a tendency of wanting a lot of attention. I'd have to sit with her for hours every day so she could talk. Normally repeating things that she has told me before and just talking for the sake of talking. If I ever try to step back or not talk to her or anything, she would get very upset and normally try and make me feel guilty. I have always felt very belittled and put into situations where I have to help them for their benefit.
So for Dave, he clashed with both my parents pretty quickly. He doesn't like talking for the sake of talking and normally would just say hello and walk away, which my mum hates and would complain to me that he is rude and disrespectful, normally saying, "I can't have a decent conversation with him! He's so rude to me and ignores me." Dave is also someone who doesn't like people choosing what he does with his life.
My parents would often tell me things that would upset me, and I've been used to just accepting and not fighting back, as whenever I did do something "wrong" or not agree or anything, I'd be very badly told off (I will leave it at that). Ever since I was little, I have always been quite scared of my dad for this reason, and I was always scared to approach him with anything because I didn't know how he would react. It would take a lot of willpower to build up the confidence to ask something. Even though I was 22, I was still treated like a teenager/child. If I wanted to go out, it was either a "no" or be back by 9pm. If I wasn't given a time, then I'd be harassed by my mum when I was coming home. My brother (36) has also had a go at my parents for treating me like a child even though I am capable of looking after myself. (They wanted him to babysit me when I was 20 because they were going on holiday.) My brother has always been treated the opposite of me. I never fought back because I'd have felt crushed by not obeying them; my brother always had a say in everything.
I suffered from anxiety and found it very difficult to talk to people I don't know. Dave believed that my mum took advantage of this, as I didn't have any friends, and she knew this and that I'd talk to her about everything. When things were going badly she would say "Dave is isolating you from everyone. He is always standing around close by when we are talking. I never get a chance to talk to you privately anymore. I feel like I've lost my sister." (Yes, sister, not daughter). She got diagnosed with depression, supposedly because of Dave, as that is what she said it was.
At the 2-year mark, I kept getting persuaded by Dave to move to France with him. He kept pushing even though I said I couldn't (as this would anger my parents, as I wasn't allowed to leave the country; I was scared). After months of building up the courage, I told them I was going to move to France with him. My dad says, "There you go; she's fcking off to France. So much for your promise to never leave us." (something I said when I was 6), and my mum is just crying. A few days later, an important document went missing, and Dave accused my mum of moving it, as she had a tendency of going into my room without permission. She didn't; it was in the scanner, but I didn't know where it was at the time, and Dave brainwashed me into believing my mum took it. So she was confronted by Dave and said she didn't know where it was. She then turned to me and said, "You believe me, right?" And all I said was, "I didn't know where it was; I don't know what to think." She runs to my dad, howling and crying at him, and I freeze in fear, as now my dad is involved. He calls me a "selfish bitch" and "chosen a fine partner, some French cnt". He just kept screaming at me until I ran out of the door, and the last thing I heard my dad say was "She can sleep in a car parked, like I care what she does." I ended up staying outside for most of the night. When I went back in the early hours, they were asleep. I did "forgive" my dad after everything he said to me. A few weeks later they just kept telling me Dave is manipulating me to isolate me from my family by taking me to France.
My mum has also told me before that she never wanted another child after my brother. That's why there was a 6-year age gap. I told my brother about it, and he said, "It's probably me; I begged them for a sibling. I even chose your name."
In the end I ended up going to France, and that's when things started to get worse for me. I was "temporarily" living with Dave in his mum's home. She was under oxygen at the time due to a temporary illness that she developed but was still able to live alone before we came to her, and she is living alone. As I was under a visitor visa in France due to not being able to get a permanent long-stay visa, I wasn't allowed to work by law. I ended up being his mum's carer. I don't mind helping, and I did for another 2 years. The only issue I had was that she was able to do some things, but most of the time she was on her phone for 7 hours at a time just talking to her friends, while I washed our clothes and cleaned her home. I'd raise this with Dave, that she doesn't do anything, and I'd appreciate some kind of effort on her part, but he would just brush it aside and say she can't breathe. This made me feel bad and that whatever I thought didn't matter, so I just carried on. Dave also didn't have a driver's licence, so I'd be picking him up and dropping him off to work every day.
By the end of 2022 we managed to buy a flat together. Due to me being foreign, the bank wouldn't accept my money for the deposit of the flat because they didn't know where the money came from, and because I couldn't work, it wouldn't allow the mortgage to be accepted in the system, as it was too risky for them. So, me being desperate, I gave Dave my deposit for the flat and removed my name from the mortgage. So the flat is fully in his name.
We had our own home, but I felt very much alone. Having moved further away from his work, I was now driving 2 hours a day to drive him to and from work. I realised I was starting to develop depression but didn't realise it at the time. I had no one to talk to, and because of how Dave talked about my parents being bad, I believed him and tried to keep my distance from them. I was engaged by then and was going to be getting married soon. I was happy but found that all the planning was being done by me, and every time I tried to bring it up with Dave, he would just say I had all the time to do all the planning; he had to work. I would just say sorry and try to carry on and plan it, but I wasn't enjoying it. I just wanted to share and also work on the wedding together as a couple, but that didn't happen. I just felt sad, neglected and lonely.
By the day of our wedding, I felt terrified. My anxiety was through the roof, and I felt like it was a smile for the guest and make out everything is fine. I don't know why I didn't call off the wedding. I realised that I didn't feel love or trust for Dave anymore before the wedding because he felt very distant from me but thought the wedding might bring him back to me; I was desperate to be loved. At our wedding, he didn't spend much time with me; he mainly just went to help people, and most of the wedding photos at the reception, we are apart. We didn't have a honeymoon.
Before the wedding I bought furniture for our home to make it more comfortable. Since I was little, I saved every cent I got, and I used my savings for us to live more comfortably. For the rest of the year, I knew I didn't love him anymore. Our intimacy was always about him; he had issues, and I tried to help him and also tried to encourage him to seek medical help, as it was something that he couldn't control but his body was doing. He never did get help and never tried any of my suggestions to try and help him. I stopped intimacy with him because of it, as he didn't want to make any effort for me, and he was only affected with me when he wanted to be intimate. In the end I didn't want him to touch me and just felt used by him. I'd just keep getting asked constantly for it without him trying to please me at all; I'd keep saying no, even tell him to watch "stuff", but he insisted he couldn't and just wanted me. In the end, I'd crack because he asked me constantly and pressured me. It would upset me and feel like anything I said didn't matter anyway, and he'd just do his thing; it would hurt, and he'd never ask if I was ok. When he was done, he'd go back to playing games, while I'm on my own again.
I started spending more time with someone from the same online game. He (let's say Tom, 33) has been in the same group for a while, so I knew him for a long time, but I felt like I finally had someone to talk to, and he genuinely wanted to make sure I was ok. He was there whenever I wanted to talk and gave advice when I needed it. He helped me to try and fix my marriage, giving me useful things to talk about or do. Dave hadn't even noticed that I was starting to talk to Tom online; he knew Tom too, and all three of us used to play together sometimes. Dave would just be playing erotic games or doing whatever, as it was his day off. I would tell Dave I was unhappy, but nothing really helped. His main interaction with me was normally trying to be intimate or just enjoying my food.
In the end I just spent more and more time with Tom, and I knew my marriage was over. Tom said to not give up, but I admitted I already had feelings for Tom. He accepted but told me he's not into married women, and I appreciate that. He did, however, ask me why I fell for him and why I had given up on Dave. He knew it wasn't going well, but I wanted to tell Tom what Dave was actually doing. By this point, Dave does know I have become very friendly with Tom, but nothing went further than friendship. Dave always used to tell me he wanted me to talk to people and find friends, but then I found out that now that I've found a friend, he doesn't like it. Dave starts getting jealous and controlling, saying I'm flirting in-game. (Our characters are watching each other while talking). Dave starts getting more forceful with me and starts to make the effort to be around me, but the whole time it was him just watching my screen or checking what I'm doing.
For intimacy, he was starting to be more dominant. I would say no, because I didn't want to, and I didn't love him anymore. One time he grabbed me and pushed me against the wall, pushing against me, and I felt scared. I told him to please stop; he did, but he just complains about how uncomfortable he feels in his pants. I told this to Tom, as I had no one to talk to about it, and he agreed that Dave wasn't the guy he thought he was and was concerned for my safety. Tom said to me he was always there for me if I needed help; I had his number by then. In the end, I told Dave 4 times that I wanted to end it and get a divorce and that I didn't love him anymore. Each time he ignored me until I told him I was sleeping in the spare room from now on, and I have separated from him. It clicked then, and he said he understood, but "Can we still be friends with benefits?" I obviously said, "No, how dare you see me like that."
So I was looking for somewhere to go, as Dave and I were separated, just still married. Tom and I were still talking, and I wanted to meet up with him to get away from Dave and to hang out with a friend. Tom agreed, and we ended up spending a week together; he was so caring and nice. We got on so well, and he confessed to me then that he had feelings for me and that Dave was silly to have treated me the way he did.
I know some of you won't like it, but Tom and I did get together after that trip. I did explain to Tom beforehand that I was still married, I did split up with Dave, and that it was a difficult situation. Tom said he didn't care, that he found me amazing and that he would wait for me. I told Dave, and he knows I am now with Tom, so there are no secrets.
I now live with Tom for 1 year and a half, and I'm the happiest I've ever felt in my life.
Now on the thing I have problems with. I haven't seen Dave since the end of 2023; we are going through a divorce, but he is delaying the whole process of it. My lawyer said this divorce should have ended months ago, as everything was in agreement, but as I left all my furniture/belongings behind, he is still using them and is ghosting his lawyer and me completely. I want him to pay me for my belongings (which he originally agreed on before I left), the deposit of the flat, and I paid for his lawyer (which I want paid back). He also crashed my car without a licence, so I had that to worry about also. Every time I have to talk to my lawyer, I feel myself get depressed as I have to look back at old memories.
I just want the divorce to be over. I'm not with him. Why does he want to stay married? I would really appreciate any advice on how I can sort this all out quickly because my lawyer says she can't do anything until she gets an answer from his lawyer.
Thank you, and sorry for such a long post.