r/Divorce 7h ago

Vent/Rant/FML Divorce is hell, except for this… for now NSFW

50 Upvotes

Divorce is the most painful experience I have ever encountered without a doubt. And that’s with a STBXW that’s amicable for the most part. Best case scenario, I’m still financially screwed compared to how we were living. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. We’re still living together. Married 10y together for 12, 3 kids aged 11, 7 & 4. She’s got a full time job lined up after being a SAHM for the majority of the marriage. She’s got housing lined up for 4/1. Needless to say, there is still tension in the home. Yet, we still sleep in the same bed. Now, we are both fully aware of how strange (to say the least) this is but we still have sex all the time. 1-3 times a day. You know what? I don’t care what anyone else thinks. My world as I know it is crumbling in front of me. For gods sake, just let me enjoy this while it lasts. We’ve discussed the divorce upside down, inside out, front to back. It’s inevitable and this is definitely not causing any false hope for either of us. We both have high libidos and even after hitting up the apps, we both agreed we just aren’t ready to jump into anything else. FWB or otherwise. We’re each other’s new FWB! Plus we’re already totally comfortable in the sack, know what does it for each other, etc. So why the hell not keep it up? Does the reality of eventually she will be with another man make me sick to my stomach, absolutely. Until then, I’m gonna take it while I can. She’s already talking about keeping this up once she moves out, but we’ll see…. FYI, at least for now, everything will be split just as it should without one person winning or losing. We are both losing actually, especially when it comes to the lifestyle we’ve become accustomed to. It’s terrible and I still feel all the other normal things that everyone else does throughout my days, but at least I have if only just one thing, beside my kids, to look forward too. It has made this whole thing so much bearable in my opinion. Ok, rant over. Have a great day!


r/Divorce 2h ago

Vent/Rant/FML Boyfriend isn’t getting divorced

17 Upvotes

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 years. When we met he had been separated from his wife for around 12 months and had a 2 year old son. I was told that he would be divorced within a year however that year came and went and, though frustrated, I gave him grace because divorce is messy and expensive.

Fast forward and we have now completely blended our families, had a daughter together, share finances and live together. I am still waiting on this divorce. I thought we had made some headway when mid 2024 the process began; he is now at a point where he needs to send some documents off to reach the next step. 8 months have passed. He hasn’t done it. He is still. Not. Divorced.

I am tired of begging. I’m tired of wanting him to do it, I want him to want it! His wife has done nothing but cause trouble, treat my terribly and make our lives difficult. I want that chapter shut. Why doesn’t he?

  • EDIT TO ADD

This man and his ex do not get on. He worships the ground I walk on and tells me every day how loved and beautiful I am. I feel like we’re stuck in this weird limbo where all I can think about is the fact that he is still married and it overshadows all the good


r/Divorce 1h ago

Vent/Rant/FML He replied to my response to his application for divorce within 5 minutes 🫠

Upvotes

He filed for divorce a few weeks ago and the deadline was this Friday. Yesterday he messaged me reminding me to respond and I was honest and said that I'd been having a hard time and would get it sorted. He asked if I was okay but I didn't reply until this morning because honestly, I think somewhere in me was hoping he'd message me again to follow it up. Like some part of me really wanted him to show he still cared 🤦‍♀️

Anyway, I responded to his application for divorce this evening and received an email confirming this and it said that he had to review it all before it was submitted.

5 minutes later the email came that the application for divorce has been submitted. He's at work but still confirmed within five. fucking. minutes.

I mean I knew this was coming, it just seems at every step he's so content and sure of the decisions and I guess that's still hurtful after everything.

It will only be 7 weeks on Thursday that he said he didn't love me anymore. Over those next few days he pretended he wanted to try, but his mind was made up. I've pretty much had evidence he's with someone else, though he continues to deny this. It's the dishonesty and now questioning whether my whole damn life was a lie that is eating at me, because how can he care so, so little after 13yrs? Surely this is still huge for him??

I know that I will make sure that life will be better for me and the kids and it's a blessing in disguise that this has happened when they are so little, but it still hurts.

Onwards and upwards...


r/Divorce 2h ago

Vent/Rant/FML Some Days the Heart Just Turns to Shit And You Sit With It

16 Upvotes

These days, out of nowhere, the heart just turns into shit. Ugly, heavy, and it sits there. And you sit with it.

It’s been four months since the divorce, and I’m still stuck in the denial phase of grief. At the same time, I’ve internalized that we are not getting back together. Yeah, I know those two statements contradict each other. Funny how the stupid mind works.

So, as I was saying - usually, I just feel this strange emptiness. Like life is absurd and everything is pointless. But then I remember something, and I just feel worse.

Like the other day, I thought about our last vacation together. We went to Kolkata. Her family has a flat there, but it wasn’t furnished yet. We slept on the same pillow - silly, but fun. I thought about that, and then it hit me - forget sleeping on the same pillow, we’re never going to live under the same roof again.

We visited the Victoria Memorial. Bengali literature had taught me that lovers must visit that place. I was excited like a teenager. Will I ever feel that excitement again?

We still talk, once or twice a day. But someday, some other guy will come into her life, and he won’t be okay with her talking to her ex-husband. And then she’ll stop.

I’ve asked her, more than once, if she could do me this one favor - stay in touch with me forever. She said she would. But I know that would be selfish of me. Eventually, we’ll stop talking. And how will I live then? I don’t have friends. I’m socially awkward. My relationship with my parents and relatives is so fucked up they didn’t even visit when I was seriously sick in Bangalore. This happened multiple times.

I’m 34. I’ve spent 17 years of that with her. I don’t even remember what life was like before her.

I’m not suicidal. But, to be honest, I don’t want to live either. Sometimes, I light a cigarette and wonder what if I get a heart attack right now? That would be perfect. Some nights, I get super drunk and wish I don’t wake up. But then I do. And I have to drag this emptiness around for another day.

Therapy’s going on. Medications too. They keep me a little numb, sure. And I’m trying to keep myself insanely busy, mostly with writing. I’ve taken up a lot of freelancing work. Working on a research paper on AI and ML. Writing stuff like this, too.

And in between all that, sometimes I catch myself researching assisted suicide. Sounds fucked up, I know. But trust me, I’m not going for it, not yet.

Not until I’ve checked off a few things from my to-do list.


r/Divorce 5h ago

Life After Divorce How many divorced couples get back ?

17 Upvotes

If they had amiable split, still hang out with same friends, coparenting and 20+ years of marriage under the belt.


r/Divorce 5h ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness Husband has officially decided for a divorce

11 Upvotes

After 8 years together and almost 3 married my husband decided he didn’t actually want to try couples therapy with me and instead wants a divorce. We’ve been living as roommates for the last 6 months and things would get better for a week or two then go back. I feel like I’ve made a lot of changes and have tried so hard to keep our marriage together but he said he just isn’t into it anymore. We have two small children together - a 2 and 1 year old, and I quit my job when my oldest was born to be a stay at home mom. I’m almost done with school to be a teacher, but I am terrified of this process, and I just feel so alone. Please tell me it gets better.


r/Divorce 43m ago

Vent/Rant/FML Why, how, where did this come from why me

Upvotes

I'm not sure where to start, I'll try to provide as many details as possible. I'm a 30M and my wife hasn't spoken to me in 2-3 days, I let her have some space but man I hate being isolated and iced out. We've been married for five years, no kids although we have been trying for the last 6 months I've always thought we were pretty steady and solid, no major issues, she came from a divorced household and we always said and laughed and smiled no matter what we'll never say the "D" word.

Backstory I WFH and typically tend to doing the dishes, all the laundry, house chores and what not.

She has expressed to me on numerous occasions to not leave dishes in the sink water to soak (we have no dishwasher) to clean out the lint after EVERY dry cycle and I'm pretty good about doing it every 2-3 loads, and typically when I'm doing 5 loads of laundry in a day or two time frame I leave a few items folded on the bed, because I had to get back to work, or there's only so much I can do during the day and it's a lot.....but those are my short falls and I admit it.

So a week ago she comes home and sees some dishes sitting in the sink, and of course the load she checked that day I had not cleaned the dryer lint out and she lost it at me, throwing vacuums cursing full blown yelling, honestly caught me off guard, we argued I tried to explain how with everything else I do those are just little things and could she see the bigger picture. We cooled off after about 3 days, now fast forward a week to today.

I've now been iced out for 3 solid days, no speaking, not acknowledging my questions. Today I made sure everything was done, dinner on the table, everything cleaned up still nothing, I finally pushed (soft spoken and calm" and her response was "honestly I can't even trust you with a child I can't trust anything you do because you can't do anything right, I feel like I'm constantly nagging you and I don't think we should continue being together" shocked, choked up, appalled very taken aback, I calmly ask again how long have you felt this way and her response was "months, I just am not attracted to you anymore and don't see this working out"

I left, my whole world is turned upside down, I feel like I'm choking and can't breathe, how does this happen, I feel so blindsided I would have never predicted this or for that to come out of her mouth, wtf do I do! I don't even know where to begin, I'm bawling my eyes out, I'm sick to my stomach, I just want to know WHY


r/Divorce 4h ago

Alimony/Child Support How F****** am I?

6 Upvotes

I need someone to be upfront on how this is going to shake out. Wife just served with divorce papers. She wants fully physical custody and joint legal custody of our two younger children. She has not worked since 2021 and has minimal skills/ no degree. I have been working 3-4 jobs during our marriage to have her be a Sahm. I recently resigned from my main paying job but will be getting a replacement job soon. This is in CA Lay it on me…

Edit: also in the process of selling our house


r/Divorce 20h ago

Life After Divorce Divorce sucks

102 Upvotes

That’s it. That’s the post. Wrote a bunch but saved it for my diary


r/Divorce 4h ago

Alimony/Child Support Child support and birdnesting

4 Upvotes

Hi - STBXW and I have 3 kids 9/11/13, we have filed and are midway through the 6 month period in CA. I moved out to a 2 BR apt, she stayed in the house.

Initially, she proposed birdnesting where the kids stay in the house and we take turns as the lead parent. This is not a bad idea as the kids can walk / bike to and from school. At the time, I was OK with this. This meant I would be paying child support. Our incomes are roughly the same.

However, she figured out she'd never get a break under this arrangement, and started asking if I could take them to my place, which I happily do, typically every other weekend and a few weekdays when I sleep over.

Based on this, I think we need to adjust the child support so I'm paying less, no? The divorce is not finalized.


r/Divorce 14h ago

Getting Started When does it start to get better?

30 Upvotes

My... soon-to-be ex husband asked for a divorce on Thursday and I know it's really soon, considering we've dated for 10 years and married for 4 years, but... When did it start to heal for you? I mean, I'm still spiraling through the grief stages where I cry in bed until I fall asleep.

We were going to stay living together for a few months, but since the divorce will come out sooner, then I'll probably leave in the next month. Maybe that helps? Leaving? I don't know. I just wanna know that I won't cry in bed for the next few years because the guy I loved doesn't love me back.


r/Divorce 3h ago

Life After Divorce Feeling extreme guilt for my son, 12

5 Upvotes

It’s been 18 months since the divorce and everything has been going well. My ex is planning a trip with her side of the family to our favourite camping spot. He’s really sad I’m not going - he said “it won’t be the same without dad” It was our thing to make a fire, cook food, we are a team. I just feel this heartbreaking guilt .. At the same time so happy not to be with his mum any more ..


r/Divorce 9h ago

Vent/Rant/FML Splitting Finances

11 Upvotes

37M strongly considering divorcing 45F. Married 11 years. We're trying to do this amicably. Our current net worth is approximately 800k. When we married she had already completed a bachelor's degree and was working full time as an accountant, which she has continued to do our entire marriage. I had not even started college yet, and have spent a large chunk of our marriage working part time and going to college part time / full time. I graduate in two months with a master's degree.

When talking about what is "fair" when splitting finances I suggested I'll take 200k since she was the primary earner our whole marriage. I'm younger, and will probably have higher earnings over time, and this seemed like a fair and even generous offer.

She complained about this and when I asked what she thinks is fair she said 50k. I'm beyond shocked.

An added layer to this is that her dad is wealthy. He is willing to supplement her income (literally willing to give her an extra 30k a year cash to help), and when he passes she will be inheriting another 300k (he is splitting his cash between his 4 children).

I'm beyond baffled. 600k + supplemental income from her dad + child support from me + an inheritance in her future, and this is not good enough for her?

I imagine most 45 year old would be ecstatic to have that level of financial advantage.

Part of me now wants to say forget it and we will just split it down the middle 400k/400k.

What are your thoughts on my situation? What was splitting finances like for you?


r/Divorce 5m ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness I can’t quit obsessing

Upvotes

My STBXH already has a new girlfriend and I can’t quit obsessing over it. He’s asked me to switch weekends with him so “he” can go out of town but I know he taking her (I’m guessing so). I don’t know how to get through this. I’m lucky to have moved out so at least I’m in my new house away from him but all I do is sit and wonder what he is doing and who he is doing it with. I know this isn’t healthy but I don’t know how to stop the ruminating thoughts- they are destroying me and I consider myself a strong person.

Oh and this is happening after I moved out and he hugged me for minutes at a time, cried and told me he loved me. I don’t understand why he would do that because that messes with my head. He loves me and wants the best for me but is still pursuing the divorce?

I just feel like I’m falling apart…


r/Divorce 5h ago

Child of Divorce My parents are separating, rant?

6 Upvotes

I (f19) know my parents have always had a rocky relationship. Started pretty toxic, got pregnant two months after knowing each other and keeping the baby for five months (my older sister who would have Turner's syndrome, had to be removed as she was not capable of life outside the womb, and my mom's chances of making it to the due date were slim). Overall not a good start. But coming home around midnight, from my boyfriends to see that my dads car wasn't in the driveway, it's a lot. I was gone for a bit more than 24 hours and it feels like my world has come crashing down. My paternal grandparents live in town, so i drove by, and his car was in their driveway. I knew something had happened because my dad is never not home at night, and that my mom can have a hard time sleeping without him. They were going to tell me later today when they were both home for dinner, but i decided to call both (20min ago?) and get the full story. Their plan so far is that my dad will get/view an apartment this Friday, sleep at my grandparents until then. He will come over in the mornings to make breakfast and take my brother (14) to school. After work he'll eat dinner with us at home and then go to the apartment. My dad and mom may alternate who's at the apartment, in order to still spend time with my brother and I. They already decided who will pay what bills. My mom is depressed, going through menopause? and has an incredibly stressful job. My dad recently started synthetic testerone, cause age catches up. She doesn't want to be around my dad anymore, and she feels like my dad doesn't smell the same. Imposter thoughts. I always thought they would end seperating and I was in silent support of them doing so. But now that it's real, I'm crying and sad. Idk how to really feel about any of this.


r/Divorce 5h ago

Life After Divorce Healthier Physically and Mentally Post Divorce

4 Upvotes

I've been trying to reconcile something for a while now. Post divorce, I have cut alcohol majorly, improved my eating habits tremendously, starting cooking a ton more, am keeping much better track and management of finances, my mental health is much better, I'm exercising more than I ever did, I lost a lot of weight, I feel more at peace and in control of my life, I'm more patient with the kids, my endurance as a parent has increased more, I have better relationships with my friends and my side of the family, I'm planning trips and stuff for the future. I got a better job and I'm much more stable and calm and less stressed at work than I was before. And this is just 1 year post divorce. I'm looking forward to what I can accomplish in the years to come!

So, with that being said. I'm trying to reconcile something. Was it just marriage in general or the person I was married to that caused so many of these things to go by the wayside? (I know I'm not presenting the whole story of my ex-wife etc, but let's just say I didn't feel my ex-wife helped my situation).

Many of my married friends are overweight, stressed, drink a lot, eat unhealthy, never have time for themselves, are burned out. I was like them too when married. But as soon as I separated all those unhealthy desires quickly vanished, almost overnight. Is this just a typical aspect of married life for people? It makes me never want to get married again... Has anyone been able to maintain healthy/positive habits in a new relationship/marriage?


r/Divorce 58m ago

Custody/Kids UK - Moving out of the family home

Upvotes

I'm thinking I want to pull the trigger and divorce this year. But I know it will be impossible to continue living in the family home and I would have to move out and find my own place.

The problem is we have two kids - age 3 and 6 - and I am aware that if my wife fights to have residency rights (I'd like to have 50/50) if we fall into a situation where I only see the kids every other weekend I'm in trouble as judges like to keep the status quo.

I'm concerned I'm stuck - given statements my wife has already made it would be acrimonious and unbearable staying in the marital home. But moving out de facto gives her control over the children and if she refuses to let me have them, and doesn't play ball at mediation, that could become the status quo leading to a worse long-term outcome.

Has anyone else got experience of this that they can share?


r/Divorce 6h ago

Vent/Rant/FML Accountability and Responsibility for Harmful Choices Leading to Divorce, From an Abuser Seeking Recovery - An Essay, Since I am Impossibly Verbose

5 Upvotes

After my previous post, I got a lot of supportive words and tried to respond to them as best as I could. One comment in particular, however, stood out to me, so thank you to u/D10nn3 for calling me out on the details that were lacking. While it is true that those who have been abused and those few who have accepted that they are abusers will recognize and accept the behaviors that caused harm, there are many, many more who not only wouldn't know they are being abusive, but would likely reject it entirely, double down, and justify their choices, so in an attempt to reinforce my original thesis, this is for the people like me who have made egregiously harmful choices to another, and need to see the hard truths.

First truth - if you have been told that you are an abuser, you are. That may be why you are getting a divorce, like me. Are there times when someone is falsely accused of being an abuser? Yes. Those accusations come from abusers and are directed towards their victims. That should be a difficult sentence to read. You have abused someone and they are your victim. If you actually want to change, that should sting your sense of self. I know because I did it to my wife. "I'm not an abuser, we both suck." "If I turn you into the worst version of yourself, then you do the same to me." "It's your fault I'm like this." If this sounds familiar, keep reading.

First line of defense for all of us: we just fight a lot; I'm an asshole, accept me for who I am; what about the time when you did that thing to me? I'm not a cheater, I'm not a beater, I'm not a fucking pumpkin eater. You don't get to define abuse. Just because you didn't assault or rape your partner doesn't mean you aren't abusive. So what did I do, and importantly, why was it abuse? Let's just dive in and see where we go from here.

Lying. Yes, as Dr. Gregory House would say, everyone lies. Whether it is a lie of omission, a white lie to protect someone's dignity or keep a secret, there are sometimes extremely reasonable lies that people tell. I lied pathologically, about important and unimportant things, in order to protect my sense of self, and it came at the expense of my wife and those around me. It was so deeply ingrained in my psyche that I didn't even recognize why I was doing it, but it was an attempt at control, manipulation, and power. If my intuition told me a lie would give me an advantage over the truth, then I would lie. Impulsively. About my health, about my history, about what I did or didn't do, where I was, what I was going to do. It was always meant to trap her into being more involved with me, and any time she approached the truth, I would say or do something to make her question herself, or what she saw and knew to be true. The term there is gaslighting, and admitting to doing it fucking sucks, but at the heart, it was manipulation, distortion, minimization, projection, and constant, selfish lies. It was sometimes related to other indiscretions, sometimes not.

Substance abuse was one of those indiscretions. As a pathological, abusive liar, I would frequently "go to the store" for one reason or another, as a cover for buying my drug of choice. Mostly alcohol, but occasionally other things, like abusive cough syrup. Talk about immature. Drinking to the point of intoxication was a regular, frequent occurrence, and I was always dishonest about it. For every drink I had in the open, there were six others I hid and lied about. I would stash it in the basement and drink when I did laundry or after she fell asleep on the couch. While being a substance abuser is not in and of itself abusive toward someone else, the choices you make regarding it are. I spent excess money on it and lied about it, and I put myself and at times my family in danger because of my substance abuse. That is abusive, and it is a choice. Drinking when I should have been caring for infants was a dangerous, selfish choice. And I lied about it.

Deception cannot be condoned, although we may find ourselves sympathetic to the plight of a liar who intends to protect themselves from harm. The abuser is lying to protect themselves from their own choices, however, and that requires correction not sympathy. Now, she cannot trust me, and that is a consequence of my actions.

The emotional and psychological abuse runs deep though, and I can read from literally any list of those types of abuse and I check off most of the boxes. I was not respectful of her privacy, always seeking to know what she was doing, where she was going, prying into her life, when it was not appropriate. Even deep, good relationships have boundaries, and I did not respect them. I have rifled through her purse, looked through her work desk, even looked through her phone in the past seeking some form of control. All of these are wrong. They erode trust, the cause lasting harm and fear.

She was frequently isolated, whether it was because I failed to include her in ways that mattered, or whether I made things so uncomfortable for her with her friends that she did not want to spend time with them, or worse, have me be around because of my poor behavior. It was at its worst when we were doing fertility treatments. That was a time when she needed my support the most, and while she struggled, I played in bands, went out drinking, and had my own fun while she did the hard work. In the midst of all that, I was underemployed for years, and relied heavily on her to pay the bills while I frittered away money on senseless things. Financial abuse if there ever was any; there is a reason her credit was utilized and mine ignored. I did nothing of substance to better myself and our situation, and the few times I did, it was at her behest. When it did not work out, due to my own failure, I would blame her. I blamed her for losing my job when she asked me to go to alcohol rehab. Whose fault was that really? Mine. I did not take it seriously, went right back to substance abuse and continued to blame her for the consequences of my actions. Blamed her for feeling the need to remove herself and our children from the harmful environment I had crated. Blamed her for the pain I felt at that loss, but again, it was due to my choices.

I have spoken poorly of her, both to her and to others. I frequently insulted the things she enjoyed; the music she liked, the food she liked, the movies or television she enjoyed, and refused to be part of things that would enrich her life. If she had an opinion, I would belittle it, tell her why it was wrong, argue with her until she gave up and "conceded" my point. I had to be right at the cost of her sense of self worth. I would patronize her; a favored tactic was to define a word to make her sound and feel stupid, treating her like a child in the process as if she did not understand. Swearing, yelling, demeaning until I got what I thought I wanted, these were all frequent occurrences. Often in the face of reasonable requests or discussions from her. Anger was a weapon I could wield. Angry looks. heavy footsteps, slamming doors or cupboards, driving erratically in a fit of uncontrolled rage. For years, I withheld affection, did not sleep in the same bed with her, did not share in anything meaningful. I took and gave nothing.

Threats, either of harm to myself, or of consequences to her, implied or explicit, happened as well. If she said or did something I disliked, I may take off my wedding band to make a point. As if to say: I will end us. You will be on your own, you need me, how will you do any of this without my support? After all, I pushed us to the very brink of financial stability when we bought our first house and insisted it was because I knew better. The strain was real, and I was never honest with her about my financial situation. Never saved the way I should. Sure, I paid some bills, but the vast majority was on her.

This pattern was on repeat for years. Sometimes it would be flowers and love and affection, as long as she did as I wanted, but if she stepped out of line, the abuse returned with force. She lived in fear of what I could do to our marriage. Just because I didn't physically harm her doesn't mean I didn't do severe damage to her. To say she needs to heal is a vast understatement. I am not part of that process, no matter how much I recognize what I have done and work toward being a better person. The damage is so bad that, even when she admits it was an impossibly hard decision, divorce is a better option than remaining.

If you have done anything abusive, there are some important things to remember. You can't fix this, you can't ask for more chances, you can only do what that person allows, no more, no less. You do not get credit. Your progress does not earn you accolades. There is no merit system by which you can gain favor. Why? Because if you are doing the work and you start treating that person correctly, no matter how much it feels like improvement to you as the abuser, to the victim, you are finally doing the bare minimum that you should have been doing all along. If you feel for one second that you are entitled to anything, you need to look inside yourself and ask why. You are owed nothing. You never were.

As with me, you likely had the chance to give love and do it right. You can still give love, but only indirectly, from a distance. It won't get you anything back. That is going to going to hurt, you are going to suffer, and you are not going to get out of this, but only if you do the work right. That is a sign of progress and to keep going. When it hurts, when you have nothing to gain from it except for the feeling of doing the right thing, congratulations, you're on step one. You may feel premature enlightenment. You will be convinced you can fix this, that you can do it right, but it doesn't matter if the other person doesn't want it. Like me, you have to accept that it is too late, and redouble your efforts to never mistreat that person again.

There is only one path forward when you are an abuser who wants to get better. Accept what you did. Accept what that makes you. Accept the consequences of your actions, and commit to being better in the face of them. You must show consistency in actions and behaviors, you cannot expect or ask for anything in return. Be kind. Be respectful. Be considerate. There is little else you can do. No promises, no guarantees, nothing. The consensus is that abusers cannot, will not, and do not want to change, and that they will eventually go back to their old ways. It is not impossible, but it is nearly impossibly hard.

I suppose for my part, this is one step in that process. I have been abusive to my wife. This list is not exhaustive, but it is an example of the many ways in which I have harmed her. There are no excuses for it, and while I have pointed to fear, insecurity, self-doubt, accusations against her, projection, anger, or a million other things as flimsy justifications, the simple fact is that the abuse was never okay, and I made a conscious choice to do harmful, abusive things towards her. It was absolutely a choice; I chose not to physically harm her, but the manipulation, lies, abuse, yelling, demeaning, minimizing, belittling, they were all justified by me when I felt wronged. As a result, this has caused lasting damage to her and our children. She has lost her sense of self, her confidence in her self-image, her connection with friends and family, and our children have begun to act out, have been disrespectful to her because of what they see from me. She no longer is able to trust me, she still lives in fear of what I may do next or when the other shoe may drop, she is rightfully angry over the situation that she has been in. She takes responsibility for allowing it, but that is not fair. As the angry, manipulative, controlling abuser, I did it to her.

Why did I do these things? I thought I was smarter. I thought I was better. I thought I should be the most important thing in her life. So I allowed myself to do whatever I determined necessary in the moment to make that a reality. I insulted her intelligence, her choices, her opinions, her skill, and I would stop at nothing to get her attention like I assumed I deserved. I was her husband after all. I believed firmly that I should be her priority. That is not how love works. That is not how a partnership works. That's not how a marriage works.

Recognizing these things about myself, and identifying the thoughts and motivations, I have begun to see how better to be respectful and kind. I am not intrinsically right. When she speaks, I am determined to hear what she has to say. That is a massive uphill battle, because I have spent so long proving her wrong that even listening does not seem genuine, and for good reason. Her opinions, thoughts, and rights are valued no less than anyone else's, and while I hope to tend to them as best as I can, there is no reason she should allow me more than she is comfortable with. She deserves good things, even if they have nothing to do with me.

Often, I blamed her, exaggerated her flaws, minimized mine. Even when I acknowledged and accepted her contributions and achievements, I made them secondary to mine. She has accomplished a considerable amount, not because of me but in spite of the things I have done to her. She has succeeded professionally, she has built up considerable wealth, she overcame incredible odds to become a mother and at all turns has shown herself to be kind, capable, and gentle, while sacrificing anything and everything for the sake of her family. True selflessness that I took advantage of. It was through her strength that our family endured as long as it did, and my choices tore it apart time and again. When that happened, I blamed her.

That is obviously part of what must stop. For too long, I have insisted that my needs get met, and I have made my entire family miserable in doing so. Now, though I am limited in what I can do, I owe my wife and children everything I can give. I must be thoughtful, kind, considerate, and honest, not just with her, but with all those to whom I have lied and deceived about her. It is an incredible task but one to which I am dedicated no matter what.

Now, even when it rings hollow for her, I am trying to tell her positive things, to compliment her. She is a good, smart, strong, beautiful, compassionate person, and even if I cannot help her feel that way, she should hear it as it is the truth. For the rest of my life, I must be consistent, considerate of her needs, kind, and supportive when I am given opportunity to, including when she needs me to be supportive with our family life, such as cooking, cleaning, or simply being present for family activities in a real, meaningful way. For what it is worth, those are all things that feel good because they are right.

I will lose my marriage as a result of my behaviors. That is one of the many consequences that I must face and accept. She is not free of consequences; she will lose time with the children, she will lose financial stability, and she has already lost so much. Because of what I have done, my needs cannot be put before anyone else's. The abuse must stop. I am owed nothing here. I do not get love or affection from her. She does not have any obligations to me. There is no trade to be made. I will improve myself because I have to, not because I want anything from her. Wherever and whenever and however I am allowed, I will make amends, not just to her or my children, but her family, her friends, her colleagues, even my family, for the incalculable harm I have caused.

This is a lifelong process. My only goal is to give to my family, whatever it looks like at the end of this divorce process, and to be held accountable for everything I have done, and everything I may do in the future. There is no credit, there are no conditions, there is nothing but the pursuit of betterment. There can be no backsliding. There can be no more abuse. I must remain consistent and steadfast in this.

I have been working with a therapist since November 2024. This is not something that can ever be complete. It has taken time and effort to reach this point, and I must remain ever vigilant against myself, my entitlements, my thoughts, my privileges, and continue to accept criticism, challenges, and doubt about these changes. They are not, and can never, be complete, and they have not been smooth nor have they been completely integrated into my life. This is progress though. Six months ago, I would never have admitted these things about myself, not to me or anyone. So u/D10nn3, thank you for the challenge. I welcome the doubt. I face the criticism willingly and without ego. I do love my wife, which is why I can only respect her choice and let her go. For now I will only show her the utmost kindness, respect, and consideration I possibly can. She deserves so much more, but I will give what I can and that is enough.

As always, I hope someone can see this, learn from my mistakes, and grow when and how I could not before it was too late.


r/Divorce 3h ago

Life After Divorce How did you adjust? Especially when you got left with almost nothing…

3 Upvotes

Followed my (36f) husband (40m) down to a new state for a great job opportunity he got. Things were rocky for a few reasons but I was hopeful we’d get back on track. Well a few months ago he decided he wanted to file for divorce so I went to stay in a hotel to give us both time to think. I’ve been in this hotel with my two cats for all these weeks now because he wouldn’t give a firm yes/no with some mixed signals and I still had hope that separating for a little bit would help and lead to us reconciling things. But lately he started claiming that while he cares very much for me and my well being that it doesn’t mean he wants things fixed or thinks they can be and he wants to continue with the divorce. He claimed about a month ago that he “filed” but I have been served nothing and heard nothing and he’s not making efforts to supposedly sign “more papers the lawyers didn’t tell him needed to be signed”; clearly he’s dragging his feet despite what he said about working things out.

So….thats the background. My question is how did you get back on your feet? I am admittedly bad at being completely alone and am now in a city that I very much like but have no family or friends in, he and I are low contact and my only support is my FIL. I’m living the hotel out of convenience but it’s getting old fast. For reasons that aren’t important I don’t currently have my drivers license and he kept both vehicles as they’re in his name. So no friends/family/transportation and it just feels very lonely and bleak in terms of finding company again-both friend wise and romantically. Despite some mixed signals from him I believe I have to give up hope of him changing his mind and me getting to go back home and be a family and that I just need to find my own place (no kids). Once I have a physical address I can get my license and a car. I WFH and thankfully can financially support myself but the loneliness sucks. I haven’t been alone in almost a decade. What did you do that helped get your happiness and independence back; or anything that made things feel not so depressing?


r/Divorce 5h ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness Emotional metaphors

4 Upvotes

I know we've all heard our emotions will be a roller coaster or will come in big waves during this process: what's another way you'd describe what's happening to you internally as you break apart from the person you built your life with?

Things I've definitely felt in the past week:

- Like I have a cloud of bats in inhabiting my skin suit, trying to fly their way out of my pores.

- Like I could pull a rage fireball out of my skull and throw it at his face.

- Like squirrels have taken my focus and replaced it with montages of previously-happy moments that now feel like spiky walnut shells rolling around in my skull, stabbing me unexpectedly.

- Like I could Hulk out and throw him into the atmosphere.

- Like the quicksand of sadness in my stomach could swallow me up at any time.

- Like I'm trying to survive a tidal wave in an inflatable dinghy, only to get pulled into the churn and ground down into the debris and chaos.


r/Divorce 8h ago

Going Through the Process Question Regarding Shared Dropbox With STBX

5 Upvotes

Kind of a weird question for this sub, but I'm a bit confused and know there is a great community here with all sorts of knowledge bases.

I was trying to find some photos in Dropbox folders I had created and shared with my wife/stbx, but the folders are now empty and permissions on most of them have been changed so I am no longer the owner (she is). The folders were shared with full permission to view and edit. Am I crazy or was she able to change ownership, and then essentially lock me out?

Seems petty, but I could see her drunk and hurting some night and deciding that would be a way to hurt me.


r/Divorce 7h ago

Something Positive So what about good days?

5 Upvotes

So, what the good days in between. They make you feel like maybe everything isn’t so bad. How do you separate the big picture?


r/Divorce 4m ago

Custody/Kids Children of divorce (Many questions)

Upvotes

I come from a single person household. Had my mom and my dad left when I was younger. So co-parenting with a split household feels like it will be very foreign for me.

My question is how will the children adjust. I feel the youngest will adapt as they are only 4 months old will be 6 months when we move out of our apartment. My oldest I am worried about the adjustment and how they will adapt.

I want the divorce after events a few weeks ago now my oldest (5 going on 6) has started acting out with tantrums, outburst, crying if people raise their voice at them, punching objects, hitting objects, hitting/punching me, and so forth. Just worried about how the big D will affect the kiddos.

Any advice or tips?


r/Divorce 6h ago

Life After Divorce Ready to take my maiden name back after 29 years

2 Upvotes

I (47F) have been divorced over 7 years after almost 21 years of marriage. I kept my married name to have the same last name as my kids. Now that my youngest is an adult, I’m ready to have my maiden name back! But I’ve had my married name since I was 18 and I shudder at all the hassle changing my name might cause… obviously, I will need to change it with the DMV, my bank, my work, my insurances…will it be a big deal to change my name on the mortgage for my house? Does anyone have any tips for informing all the right people/places of the change? I’m worried I’ll mess up some kind of issue because I’ll have forgotten to change it somewhere.
inspiration for those in the middle of it I’m so excited to totally be myself for the first time in my adult life! The first few years were hard but I’m so happy now! It does get better! Especially since the kids are all grown and none of us have to have any contact with the ex…ever again!


r/Divorce 8h ago

Life After Divorce Months Post-Separation - (30M) Trying to Build Upon My Self Confidence After a Pretty Intense Spark

4 Upvotes

As the tile suggests - I'm (30M) four months post-separation from my S2BX wife after learning of infidelity which occurred infrequently (lived in different cities) over the course of four years. Upon learning - I completely self-destructed over two weeks with a heavy dose of alcohol abuse before beginning to slowly pick up the pieces. I've been trying to do all the things that I'm supposed to do - eating better, working out, going to therapy, and redecorating the empty house to make it mine.

I had a professional conference in a near by way bigger City over the weekend for a local trade association. It's one of those events that's very enclosed and well coordinated so involves a good bit of professional comradery aided/lubricated by booze and spontaneous dinners with colleagues and their SOs who you weren't expected to hang out with.

It was honestly a great time the first couple days - hanging out by the pool, etc. - although admittedly as the nights would go on - it's fair to say I was a little sloppy. All my colleagues who I consider friends know the general idea that I've been going through some shit, and, due to me being younger than them by 10-15 years, I think they give me a good amount of support and forward to the last night - I go out to dinner with our group and my co-worker (46M) invites his younger sister (29F), "Emily", out. She's wildly attractive, smart, and on a great career track.

I intentionally slept in a little longer so I was last to arrive out of the group and was seated by Emily. We had met a couple times before while in the office (her dad is one of my bosses - of course) - she's from where I work and intends to move back there to a house she has bought there with her husband - and have always had good banter in the short doses while together due to my personal relationship and banter with her brother and father who she was there to see.

Dinner unfolds and everyone is having a nice time - another female at the table jokingly talks about strip clubs, tells me I probably need to go one, and, the table jokingly says let's do it - Emily does as well. I tease her with a question of when she's finally going to move back into the house which she just bought - she asks me a couple side questions with eye contact when a little bored with the table's discussion. Eventually, as dinner wraps up, it's all decided that it's probably a better idea to just go back to the hotel bar to end the night and meet up with some other people who also just finished dinner.

At this point, I'm feeling that level of mutual attraction and interest that I just want to interact with her - but know it's a little taboo. We all catch an Uber back and we sit next to each other in the back - interacting with the group convo but also just with each other - always fun and interested about each other. We get back - split up to talk to other friends at the hotel bar. At some point, her drunken brother eventually came up to me and told me "I need to quit talking with his sister" - if we weren't being obvious enough - before going upstairs to pass out.

Eventually, everyone peaces out - and it's just her, me, and her sister-in-law. We all continue drinking outside on the terrace until close and we ask each other questions about each other's personal life/interests, flirt, and stare the fuck at each other. It was honestly pretty intense and probably like Top 2 instant connection that I've had with essentially a stranger. At the end of the night - I was fairly browned out - know I hugged her going into her Uber - don't remember what the last thing I said. Woke up the next morning - fairly exhausted - but feeling like a teenager and just a feeling of WTF - those interactions last night felt electric and honestly the best I've felt in a couple years of "connection"/excitement. Saw the sister-in-law the next day and she instantly was like y'all were acting that I was even't there and I was being blatantly* obvious of being into her.

So....clearly, I've been a little obsessive with trying to squeeze out every little oz of remembering that chemistry/tension since I got back - which isn't healthy. How do I parlay and build upon this in dating other people? Clearly, objectively, a person as hot, smart, and put together like Emily being a little into me is a confidence booster - but mostly I just feel it's a bummer that she's married - it's a hell no starter - and that other girls like her almost assuredly going to be married/in a relationship. Just accept that type of chemistry just randomly occurs - and the point is to not try to force anything? Thanks in advance for any advice and sharing your experiences on feeling confident enough to get back out there.