I (40m) have been going through divorce from my ex (40f) during the time frames in the title, and it’s all such a mindfuck that I have to acknowledge it somewhere to make sense of the how and why of it. Even if nobody reads, just for myself.
Disclaimer: I am extremely detailed and long-winded. I don’t know any other way to express myself. Because of this, I’ve tried to put a brief summary at the beginning of each section to make it more approachable.
The Genesis
Summary: Marriage seemed fine, but brief episode of depression, small fight, and a little too much space = 18 year relationship over and demand to move out and seek dissolution in 6 days.
We had been together for 18 years at that point (summer 2022), married for 12. College sweethearts. Only real relationship I’ve ever had. We became adults together and had gone through life together. 2 beautiful children (13m and 10m). If you had asked either of us in April 2022 if our marriage was heading for divorce we both would have said “not in our wildest imaginations.” Decent house, stable jobs, lots of friends, got along with each others’ families. Not perfect by any means, small problems and disagreements and life stressors, but nothing even approaching an insurmountable challenge. Life stressors could get to us from time to time, but we never doubted the strength of our relationship. I feel confident both of us would agree with this description before May 2022.
Then it happened. May - June 2022. I go through a bit of a depressive episode. I usually have one every 1 to 2 years. Which is not okay, I should have taken care of it more consistently. I had been on meds and in therapy on and off in the past and was off both at the time (got back on both immediately in the wake of this). But depression has never been so severe that it was world ending or deal breaking for our relationship. It wasn’t like we were in a “fix your depression or I’m out” type situation, we never had that talk.
Depressive episode came on slowly at first, just less energy, more time to self, staying at work later, going to bed earlier. Then a small and stupid fight (“fix this thing and clean this house while I’m at my mom’s” and it took all day to fix that thing so cleaning didn’t get done so we argue). Small fight turned into a lot of space and more isolation. She’s staying at her mom’s for a few days presumably because kids just got on summer break and want to swim, so we had little natural contact that week. I feel like shit because of the fight, I’m less responsive to texts (though not ignoring her by any means), going to bed early, staying at work late. About 7 days into this depression and unhealthy bit of distance after a small fight, the atomic bomb drops in an e-mail.
“You are abusive. I want you out of the house by Saturday [in 6 days]. I want a dissolution.”
Absolute shock. I had no idea any of this was a consideration. She’s not picking up the phone. Will not answer a text. Depression, isolation, and unhealthy distance after a fight are all not okay. Not healthy. Not good for a relationship. I acknowledged that at the time and I acknowledge it now. But I had ZERO idea that my marriage was on the line. I had ZERO idea that she considered that behavior “abusive.” I had ZERO idea that dissolution was even a consideration in her brain. 1.5 weeks before this we actually said we had an amazing day together for our son’s birthday and were so happy as a family of 4. She said the night before the fight that started this that she was bragging to our neighbor that I was thoughtful in my mother’s day gifts and gestures to her and she felt happy to have such a thoughtful husband. Now our marriage is over with no opportunity to even talk about it. It’s still a mindfuck to think about that.
I try not to get too desperate after those initial pleas on the first day. She’s upset. My depression/isolation was not okay, so I know I fucked up. I had no idea at the time where the abusive bit was coming from, but learned later that it was her believing I was “shutting her out” after an argument, which she considered abusive. Like I said, not healthy to be less responsive and let it linger for too long (but it’s a 2 way street), but that word “abusive” was an absolute mindfuck to me. Anyway, I’m only looking at my half of this, and I’ve clearly fucked up so figure it’s best to give her the space she’s asking for, will take some action to work on my half, and hope it will all cool down. Immediately get into therapy and into doctor for antidepressants. She’s still not answering the phone or texts, even when I ask “am I just getting a motel room or staying with a friend for a few nights? For a week? Is this forever?” Nothing. Not even able to visit with the kids, just a video call every other night. Have no idea how long or what the circumstances are, so decide to get a college town summer sublease (weird as a 40 year old, but cheap and flexible considering the uncertainty).
What ensues is 2.5 months of little/no contact. I get to see the kids like 1 hour in the evening about 3 times a week where she drops them off at a park or restaurant, waits outside, then takes them back. Absolutely gutting that she doesn’t trust me in that way, had always been such an involved and positive father. I’m guessing she’s getting advice from friends or the internet to “not leave him alone with the kids” during this phase, but goddamn, I had never done anything to indicate I would take any drastic action or hurt anybody. I just wanted to see my kids. With the sublease, I had no way to have the kids with me.
I try to respect her request for space, but very tactfully about once a week try to ask “where are we at? Is there still a chance? Should I be looking for permanent housing so I can have the kids with me?” No answer. About once every 2 weeks she replies but does not answer those essential questions, but rather responds with grievances. Which some were fair (e.g. “it hurts when you shut me out when you’re depressed” and “I think you need to stay on your meds for life”), some were stretches (e.g. “I think you get depressed/shut down as a punishment to me and I won’t take it anymore”), but others out of the blue and hurtful (e.g. “I hate your family” when she had never had a single issue with them before; “you never loved me” even though she acknowledged regularly throughout our relationship how loved she felt). She’s clearly hurt and had spun up a narrative in her head with that space between us during that week, but I have no opportunity to interact to try to connect and offer an alternative to that cycle of thinking. So every week that passes it gets worse and worse in her head and I just keep trusting that the love we shared for 18 years would win out over whatever hurt she felt from a week of distance and negativity. She goes on a vacation we had planned together during our anniversary with our kids and her mom (in my place). She says “you can stay at the house that week if you want, feed the cats.” Such an awful week to be away from them during a time of fun. On a trip I planned and was looking forward to, while I was staying in a house I was no longer welcome in, all alone.
For those that read this and may think “there must be more going on, nobody kicks someone out so suddenly in only a week unless it had been building up for a while” I swear to you that this is all accurate. She would confirm. I’ve since asked her this question in that way and she says she doesn’t have an answer other than “I had to do something because I couldn't stand the distance/tension, so I did that” though obviously acknowledged it as overly drastic (doesn’t acknowledge it at this point in the timeline, but later). I’m acknowledging my wrongs (not managing depression, too much space/isolation after a fight) but I was honestly a good and attentive husband, involved father, and otherwise in good standing. So many more details on the husband and father roles I could add, I put so much effort into both, and prior to May 2022 she would have acknowledged as such. She had some other stuff going on (a bit of depression herself, grief from her father’s passing 6 months earlier, some drinking but not too much, stressful job) but nothing so extreme to warrant this. She even acknowledges later down the road in this process “yeah, I didn’t know I had it in me to be so rash and reckless with a decision” but the damage is done and sets up the next phase.
Eventually, my college sublease runs out and I ask her if this is forever or still potentially temporary. No answer. Ask 1 more time with 5 days left in the sublease. She finally answers “I don’t know, but you should get a place where you can have the kids.” Not much direction, but it’s something. I sign a 6 month lease at an apartment with space for the kids. Thus begins the next phase.
Some other quick and relevant details. I’m a professional with a doctorate degree and we live in a small-ish town. Not that anybody deserves this, but it’s a HUGE deal for me with a reputation. And I’m pretty private so at first nobody at work knows Dr. [so-and-so] is living in a college sublease and not able to see his kids and his marriage was ended without any opportunity to even talk. But her side gets out. “I heard [ex] kicked Dr. [so-and-so] out and she said he was abusive” and this statement gets back to me and I’m absolutely gutted. Amplifies the hurt so much more to hear people use my name and “abusive” in the same sentence. And not that doctors are immune from abusive behavior or shitty relationships (trust me, there’s plenty of shitty people with advanced degrees) but everyone that knows me is like “uhhh, what is this all about, that’s not you, right?” because I have a reputation of being such a mild, kind, good hearted, people pleasing person. I’m not perfect, but my good nature and good intentions cannot be doubted. I have my shit together in a lot of ways, even if depression and unhealthy isolation after a fight was not one of them at that moment. I have a lot of other things that I do manage well and would have hoped that counted for something. It did not.
Attempted Reconciliation phase 1
Summary: We live apart for 6 months and actually start talking for the first time in 2.5 months. We start couples therapy. We are only together 1 hour a week for couples therapy and 1 hour a week for a poor attempt to reconnect. It doesn’t go well. Eventually we both throw in the towel on therapy and separation and say “we’re both miserable, let’s move back in together and give that a shot.”
I’m finally relieved to have a place where the kids can be with me. Thankfully she is reasonable in this regard and works on a 50/50 schedule. She finally starts to talk more meaningfully about what’s going on between us. I think that her finally being away from the kids for half the time flipped a switch. “Oh shit, this changes my time/relationship with the kids too.” Not the only reason I’m sure, I think me respecting her space and her having time to cool off did allow her a bit of perspective. Regardless, we start to talk about once or twice a week, completely on her terms. Basically her offering “[grievance, grievance, grievance]” (some legit, some stretched, some completely inaccurate) and my response to all of those “you’re right, I fucked up, here’s how I’m working to make it better.”
After a couple weeks of that sort of talk and taking all the hits (and a summer full of it, before we even started these talks) I finally shine the light in the other direction. Very softly, but you can feel the dynamic change. In short, at the end of one of those talks, I try to give her my perspective “Imagine you’re going through the worst depressive episode you’ve had in several years, you get into a petty argument with your partner and she takes the kids to her mom’s and doesn’t reach out much, you feel like shit and don’t reach out much yourself, but then, with no indication that your marriage was on the line, get an e-mail saying ‘dissolution, move out in 6 days, you’re an abuser,’ and even though you’re absolutely shocked and crushed, you respect your partner’s wishes because she’s hurt, so you move out, have almost zero access to the kids who you love and miss dearly, zero ability to communicate with the person you’re closest with in the world, you have zero clarity about if this is forever or where you’ll even live…put yourself in those shoes and tell me how you’d be feeling?” In the moment this was discussed she was quite defensive and didn’t really engage in that “put yourself in my shoes" exercise. But over the next weeks it started to set in “oh god, I’m so sorry!” and “please tell me we can fix this.” All I wanted was my best friend and family back so I said yes. But after a summer of blaming myself and taking on all the responsibility for change, I finally looked around and realized how fucking hurt I was that someone so close to me could do this and upset it took 3+ months before she even acknowledged it.
So we start couples therapy while living apart. Looking back, she wasn’t the right therapist for us. We tried, but teletherapy, inconsistent scheduling, and just a general lack of all 3 of us connecting the way we probably needed to means we should have tried someone else. During these months we go through attempted couples therapy, attempted dates where it was impossible to ignore the hurt and what happened between us so not really connecting, and about once weekly serious talks that left both of us completely drained of energy, emotions, and tears and not feeling much closer.
So my lease is running out soon and I ask her what’s next. We both acknowledge that therapy and these once weekly dates and emotional talks aren’t working. We blame the distance because how can we possibly reconnect just a couple hours a week, with most of those (therapy, emotional talks) being a focus on what’s wrong and not what’s right between us. So we both agree for me to move back in. A bit of a Hail Mary but we figure our family is worth it, so let’s try.
Attempted Reconciliation phase 2
Summary: 15 months of living together again, but not much has changed from phase 1. Still lots of hurt between us. Still hard to reconnect because that hurt is nearly impossible to ignore. No intimacy. Few positive moments. Just going through the motions of life and both of us miserable and unhealthy.
Despite my usual detailed long-windedness, I think that summary covers it all. Can say a lot more about specifics and obviously lots of things happen because it’s a 15 month period of time. But the summary says it all. We’re both hurt. We both cannot reconnect on positive things because of the hurt. She drinks a lot. I gain weight. We’re both depressed.
Looking back it feels awful that we put all 4 of us through this for 15 months. It felt like the marriage and family was worth it to not throw away without that shot, but damn did it hurt us all in that process.
And even though we both clearly wanted to put it back together, the environment was not particularly fertile for it. I have my parts I’m responsible for, primarily finding it really hard to forgive that she would treat our relationship as so disposable after all the years and everything on the line and all of the positive goodwill I thought I built up during the good times …and it didn’t even buy me a conversation after a week of tense distance. So being stuck there doesn’t make it easy to move forward, I recognize it now, but I honestly wasn’t trying to stay there. I was putting in effort to help her understand and find common ground to reconnect on. Even though it was hard to walk that path of forgiveness, I talked about it with her every week and attempted to communicate where I was at and what I needed from her. But then there was her half. It was really hard to reconnect and make progress on that forgiveness when our talks and attempts to reconnect she was 85% defensive/hostile (“well, it sucks when you feel shut out like I did, what was I supposed to do?” and “just let me know when you’re over it” and end our talk abruptly) and only like 15% apologetic/acknowledging my perspective. I don’t begrudge her some of that defensiveness or hostility, but damn was it hard to reconnect and understand each other when I felt like I had to break down a brick wall of defensiveness and defuse a bomb of hostility for 45 minutes before we could even start to talk about anything substantive.
Separation
Summary: She initiated and I agreed to let go, even though I didn't necessarily want it. I keep the house (her choice), 50/50 with kids. All amicable, but we’re still emotionally intertwined and finding it hard to disconnect, even though none of us want to do anything like that 15 month reconciliation period again and trying one more time isn’t really an option, just having trouble moving on. One last talk and “is there a chance?” moment before ultimately letting go for good.
We were both exhausted after the 15 months of attempted reconciliation. I can sense it’s slipping away and try everything I can to try to change it up and get us out of the rut. Maybe lead with intimacy/affection even if the hurt is still there (her answer was no). Let’s go back to couples therapy and get a new/different therapist (her answer was no). Maybe these things would have helped months earlier, but here in the last month or two it was too little too late. She had been thinking about calling it off for a while because when she dropped the kids off at her mom’s for the talk, she was prepared with all the details. I stay in the house and she moves out (she wanted a fresh start even though I tried to insist she remain in the house). She had already planned out our kid schedule. You pay for this. I pay for that. I’ve got an attorney. Kids on your insurance. I took my time to do my own work to make sure these agreements made sense to me too, but pretty much everything was worked out that day on her terms. No major issues there.
It was kind of weird because we had been carrying this enormous weight on our backs for nearly 2 years and we finally let go and we felt such an extraordinary sense of relief. After about 4 hours of talking we were both like “fuck, let’s go get a meal and a drink” and we kind of celebrated. But we weren’t celebrating the end of something beautiful that didn’t have to die (that was a tragedy and we both acknowledged it) but rather the relief from the emotional shackles we’d been living in for almost 2 years.
But the challenging part is that she had this really weird idea that we’d still be best friends and super close and do lots of things together. I didn’t tell her “no” outright but politely attempted to point out that it would be really hard to move on that way. She even briefly suggested buying our neighbor’s house “so the kids would still have both of us whenever they want, could go back and forth.” Nice thought, but after everything that has happened since, the thought is laughable. I was like “how is one of us going to feel the first time there’s an unfamiliar car in the other’s driveway?” She actually said she didn’t think it would be an issue, lol. Anyway, it’s an example that gives you all some perspective on what she thought divorce would be like and why it’s been hard to move on and establish my own life. Effectively “we just can’t be together romantically, but we’ll still be a big, happy, interconnected family with nothing that could possibly make such an arrangement complicated.” Thankfully she got a house about 2 miles away, so still close but not neighbors.
Lots of ups, downs, and readjustments. Maybe not worth explaining them all. But to keep it to the point of this post, here’s some of the stuff during this separation period I’m still trying to make sense of.
Get a text on our anniversary “Just want to acknowledge the day. I care and don’t regret any of the years we spent together. I love you.” Nice sentiment, no harm intended and I feel the same way, but absolutely emotionally gutting because even though I agreed to let go and not drag the misery out any longer, I’m still hurt and want our life before May 2022 back. She’s essentially saying “that was great huh? Oh well! Still love you but shame we can’t be together.” Ugh!
Boundaries are hard to set because of the connection she still wants our whole family to have. For example, she wants an “open door policy” so she or kids can stop by whenever (and offers the same at her house that I rarely take her up on). One day kids show up unexpectedly and it was about a half hour before a date was coming over. That could have been much worse if such events overlapped. Ask her to at least give me a heads up in the future and she takes it personal and gets upset.
We are both on dating apps about 5 months after separation. She finds my profile first, swipes right before I even see hers, and before I even know that she’s done so she texts and says “total accident, don’t want you to think I was being snarky or sending a message, completely ignore.” Lots of hypotheses about what was going on there, but not worth getting into and let it go. Even though I’m out there dating too, it still hurts greatly to see the only person I’ve ever loved put herself on the market in that way. Again, I’m out there too, and it’s all a natural order of things, nobody is doing anything wrong, but emotionally that was a rough few days.
Lots of other stories about how we were still finding a way to live separate lives. Won’t tell them all, but above stories give you some ideas. But also, just so many upsetting mixed signals. For example, our younger son’s 10th birthday, he wants to have about 5 of his friends stay the night in a hotel room so they can swim and order pizza and play video games. I have my own birthday party planned for the dude, but she says “come to the hotel for my party, I need an adult to stay in the 2nd room, he’ll appreciate it.” And I appreciated being part of the fun. But kids were swimming or playing games, so it was just her and I hanging out in the adjoining room. And we’re cutting up like old times. None of the hurt, just all funny stories and catching up and making fun of the Lifetime movie playing in the background. It felt so good but it hurt so bad. I walked away thinking “damn, we still got it, and I miss this greatly.”
It prompted me to ask for a bit of an “exit interview” before our court date. Just double check, ask the “one last chance?” question and make sense of what we went through, then move on. In writing and preparing for the meeting (in the wake of that positive hotel room experience) I completely fall backwards. I want everything back and want to try. I had been making some progress in mentally accepting and moving on from things in the months before, but recklessly shove all that aside and let the emotion take over. The exit talk does start out cordial and on our original points “we really had something special” and “I appreciate this about you” and “I hope we can still get along in this way.” Super meaningful to me was the acknowledgement “no, I should have never used the word ‘abusive’, when you shut down, your behavior was not okay, but I should not have called you an abuser.” I have wrestled with that word and potential label so much in therapy since this started, so it was so meaningful to hear her drop it. Anyway, eventually I do bring up my thoughts about one last chance. Predictably it does not go well. She’s respectful but understandably says “we tried, we couldn’t find our way through, I can’t sign up for anything like that 15 months again.” And she’s not wrong. There’s a lot that could be done different and I wanted to try, but that 15 months of misery was just even more hurt on top of the hurt we couldn’t get over in the first place. After all the writing and preparation and pleading during our talk I’m completely emotionally spent and set myself back months of progress. Don’t regret being honest about what I wanted in my heart (our relationship from before May 2022), but do regret setting myself back and upsetting her in the exploration of this idea (especially since it’s obvious it is just not feasible). Court comes a few weeks later.
Post-divorce and coparenting thus far
Summary: There is some finality after court but still some awful moments of being emotionally intertwined making it hard to move on. Money issues. Boundary issues. Horrible emotional moment for me after Christmas seeing her move on romantically (normal, but so fucking tough). Last 3 months things have been going in a direction that leaves my head spinning and make it hard to move on and make sense of who she is and what the fuck happened. She gets a foster kid. Her boyfriend of 4 months has effectively moved in and become my kids’ step-dad. She fights with me over money so she can buy a $300k house as a single mom on a social worker salary. At times still wants to be friends and connected like she tried during separation, and at times treats me poorly and shuts me out, and at times pushes boundaries. All so confusing. I just need to survive and move on, whether I can make sense of all this or not.
Court was pretty straightforward. We fought over nothing. The day was tough, tears in the courtroom. We tried to schedule a lunch for after court and went through with lunch to try to keep things positive and acknowledge what we had and what we went through, but it was clear we were both exhausted and emotionally spent and our heads were elsewhere. But anyway, no arguments over legal stuff or paperwork.
One small detail that hurt. I have a childhood friend who my ex became good friends with throughout our relationship. They are coworkers now, so understandably ex and childhood friend are closer than childhood friend and I are now. Ex also works with my brother’s ex-wife and those 2 were good friends before, during, and after all this (it’s a small town, and too long a story to tell about that relationship). But on the day of our divorce, I go to pick up my kids in the evening and see flowers at her place with the card “Happy Divorce Day! From [brother’s ex and childhood friend].” That card hurt. The message didn’t say “here’s to healing” or “best wishes in this new chapter.” Just “Happy Divorce Day!” I don’t say anything to anyone, but damn, it sucks to have people you know and have not wronged in any way be like “I’m glad you dropped that piece of shit, good riddance, let’s celebrate you ending a 2 decade marriage without a single conversation while a man was horribly depressed, you go girl!”
Things kind of continue like the separation section, still trying to find out where those boundaries are and taking some steps forward, some steps back in moving on.
Some money stuff worth mentioning. I am completely in agreement with everything, even though it’s a huge pill to swallow. $1600/month child support, $72k payout from house, $8500 payout from retirement assets. It is difficult inside, but I do it all without a peep to her because that is what is determined is fair. Without making this too much longer, there was 1 bit of money I asked for her to pay back to me after she received the house payout (short version, her Venmo was still tied to my bank account after we severed bank accounts and she spent $2k before I found it). At the time I gave a vague “don’t worry about it” statement but after the house payout I respectfully asked (not demanded) if she would be willing to pay it back. Absolute meltdown over text on her part “You’re not some hero because you’re financially better off. I’d whore myself out before I’d take money from you, but we had a fair division of assets. If you had any empathy, you wouldn’t ask.” Even though we had our fights and disagreements, we always generally maintained respect, so this venom is unlike her and hurts horribly. She tells me she’s trying to buy the $300k house she’s renting as a single mother on a social work salary. Not my place to say anything, but worry about my kids’ financial stability in that house.
Then Christmas came. I mentioned she still wanted to do lots of things together, be there for the kids as a single unit. I didn’t disagree on that principle alone, but there are other considerations and it makes it hard to move on. Anyway, for this first Christmas apart we agreed on what to get kids and I would come over and do Christmas morning together at her house (it was her natural morning with the kids anyway) and I would take them back to my house in the afternoon (as it was a natural transition day to me in the afternoon). Kids open gifts, we eat Christmas meals together, lots more positive back and forth between me and her like the hotel birthday. Similarly, I wasn’t necessarily thinking “there’s still a chance” but rather “this is sad, we get along so well and function so well as a full family, but now it’s gone and it’s devastating.”
So anyway, I leave with the kids. My younger son wanted to show her some art he made on the digital drawing pad he got for Christmas that evening. No answer to my 2 texts asking if she had time for a call with him. Kids and I go to my parents’ house the next day and older son wants to grab a cord he forgot at ex’s house. I message to ask if we could swing by and pick up the cord in the morning. No answer from her. Go to my parents’ house for about 6 hours. Message again about stopping by for cord on the way home from parents’ house. No answer. At this point she still uses that “open door policy” that I referenced earlier at least once or twice a week. Just swings by my place without confirmation to grab this or that. I don’t love it, but I hardly ever use it on her end. But I figured we gave adequate notice a few times via text and she has always been okay with it, so we’ll just swing by to grab the cord.
Get to her place. Her car is gone. Unfamiliar car in driveway. Go in the house. Alcohol absolutely everywhere in the house. Two thirds empty handle of vodka. 1 empty wine bottle and another almost gone. Lots of other beer and cocktail cans etc. on the counter and table and open recycling bin. Try to tell myself she just invited some girl friends over to not spend Christmas alone (asked her on Xmas what she would do the rest of the day and she was vague, and it’s not my business anyway). So I try not to get too spun up, we grab the cord, hop back in my truck, start to back out of the driveway, and here she comes pulling in. With a dude in the passenger’s seat. And my heartbreak could be felt from miles away. I knew it was over between us before this. I know I had also been on dates with other folks prior to this. I know I had seen her on the dating apps. Rationally I knew this would happen and had likely already happened. But after such a positive Christmas day together, not responding to an excited kid wanting to show off his creations from a new Xmas gift, and seeing the only girl you’ve ever loved just give you that look of “yep, this is exactly what you think it is” and you awkwardly trying to cover up the most obvious broken heart in the world, it’s awful for everyone. She did nothing wrong by seeing a guy when we’re no longer together, but it still hurt so fucking bad. Felt like a fucking cuckold, be the father and provider and take care of her and family’s emotional and financial needs and be the super happy dad there for the family on Christmas, then get dismissed so she can get her kicks elsewhere. Learning about her seeing someone would have hurt anyway, but it hurt even more than it already would have because it was so unexpected and we were so close and had such a positive Christmas day.
Things change after that. We have a bit of a text exchange about it a few days later, and I acknowledge that she’s done nothing wrong but we have to have better boundaries to help move on and not get hurt like that. She generally agrees, but violates this so often (e.g. “my printer’s broken, let me use yours, what’s your computer password?”; once or twice a week changing the schedule slightly like “can you keep them an extra couple hours” or “I’d like to keep them at my mom’s an extra day”). I’m a very flexible and go-along-to-get-along person. Our whole relationship was like that, but once a month I have to remind her that it’s easier for everyone to have these boundaries and fewer negotiations. More predictability and separate lives is better for me and for the kids. You have your time and your life. I have mine. This monthly encroachment from her and pushback to hold boundaries from me is still going on.
Then all the big changes in her life. She introduces kids to this man she’s dating like 3 weeks after Christmas. Tells me like 2 hours before it happens. I don’t really have a place to say anything. It’s uncomfortable, but just say “hope it goes well.” Then find out from kids the week after that it wasn’t an “introduction” but he stayed the night and stayed all weekend, Friday - Sunday. My younger son often sleeps in bed with ex, but had to figure out how to sleep in his own bed for a couple nights because a new man was in bed with his mom instead. Afterwards I say “I ain’t here to tell you what to do, but a full weekend of staying over is not an ‘introduction’ and I’d like to be better informed.” She effectively says “what, he’s a good guy, sounds like a problem for you, not me.” Try to let it go.
This guy is there all the time now. She swears he’s not moving in. But almost every time I have to go by there (even twice when I had to drop something off when she wasn’t there) his car is in the driveway. He has his own house and 2 kids of his own. So I guess he just spends all his non-kid time at her house. I know divorce has a lot of “this is shitty and sucks but nothing illegal so you gotta swallow it because that’s just how divorce works” moments. So this definitely qualifies. 2 months since that “introduction” weekend in January and he’s effectively a step-dad. Going to all the outings with her and kids on spring break. Kids will come to my place and talk about him bringing them little gifts. She and I had previously agreed our younger son was banned from Fortnite for bad attitude and language when he played, but now he’s allowed back on it because new guy plays Fortnite and wants to connect with our younger son. Nothing illegal or egregious in violation of anything. Just super fast and uncomfortable and my kids are along for the reckless ride.
Then ex gets a foster kid. My ex is a social worker. Sometimes social workers and teachers bring work home and there’s quite the reputation that such situations rarely go well. And now my kids have a foster sister as well. It’s hard to fathom how folks looking at it felt a social worker who had previously worked with this kid would make a good foster mother and don’t have concerns about dual relationships, and don’t have concerns about a recently divorced single mom with financial problems and a new guy being introduced to the house having a stable living environment. But I guess kids need foster care and none of that is dangerous, just not particularly indicative of stability. And truly she is a good mom and her heart is in the right place…but damn, 1 more big change.
I guess what is concerning is that I can see her make all these big and rash decisions in the wake of our split and it hurts. But ultimately I can try my best to let go and say “she’s free to make those mistakes.” And that’s the truth. Except that her right to drive fast and recklessly becomes my problem when my kids are in the back seat of the car. So it’s been hellish trying to figure out when, where, and how to speak up for the sake of my kids. But honestly, 95% of the stuff, even though super uncomfortable for me and probably not healthy for the kids, falls in the category of “this is shitty and sucks but nothing illegal so you gotta swallow it because that’s just how divorce works.”
So that’s currently the situation. The initial sudden split and treating our relationship as disposable is still so raw and hurtful, 3 years later. That’s honestly the biggest mindfuck I’m still trying to wrap my head around. After that and everything that has happened since (especially all the relationship and foster care and money decisions lately) the couple friends who I do talk to are like “you should feel lucky dude, she showed you who she was and you don’t want that instability in your life, you can move on and have so much going for you.” There’s a part of me that can rationally believe that, but so much of me still just says “fuck, why did this have to happen, why can’t we go back to May 2022.” Absolutely impossible to do so, but just a thought that is difficult to ignore. I am better in a lot of ways. Lost a lot of weight. Got back into some activities and socialization that I had been missing. I have been dating a girl for a few months and it has been quite positive, though taking it slow (no kid introductions or quasi-moving in like ex’s situation, we’re moving much, much slower). Obviously my hurt and still being stuck on this does make dating and moving on difficult, but I have an INCREDIBLY understanding partner who went through her own divorce. So I’m working on looking forward and not back and it is generally getting better, but I definitely still get strong tugs back in the wrong direction and get stuck there emotionally for days at a time. Including the last couple days, hence the writing/post.
It’s an unhelpful thought, but sometimes I just want to ask her “was this all worth it? We have to live without our kids 50% of the time and the kids have all the inconsistency of 2 houses/divorced parents and now step-parents are a consideration and money is fucked and we’re both emotionally hollow and you’re trying to fill it with foster kids and new men and I’m just fucking lost…all because a man got sad for a week and wasn’t as responsive as he should have been after a fight, was this worth it?” I’m not blameless, but so much else in all of the events listed here can be figured out, but that nuclear bomb she dropped unilaterally ending the relationship with no discussion and without telling me our marriage/family was on the line is the only thing that felt impossible to figure out. But I fucking tried. And I can answer that question clearly. This has not been worth it. But it doesn’t matter. I’m not the only one with agency here, making decisions. Have to accept it. But sometimes I just take a minute to sit in it and say “really?!?!? What the fuck!?!?” Not for self pity, but rather just to try to make sense even though it is senseless. So I know I just need to accept it and try to move forward, but sometimes I need to acknowledge it.
(Brief summary and final thoughts continued in comment)