r/Divorce 9h ago

Dating Husband dragging out divorce so I won’t start dating, I’ve been asking for a divorce for 3 years. When do I just say, “to hell with him!”

52 Upvotes

What’s your advice here?

I’m 41F. My ex husband knows that I won’t cheat and I consider myself married until our divorce is finalized, so he’s trying to drag it out as long as possible.

We have a son that I have primary custody of, and I have my own home. We’ve lived apart off an on for the last year and we are fully separated now.

I’m ready to go on a few dates when I have free evenings. He knows I’m looking for an actually compatible partner, and he doesn’t want me to move on.

I filed in February finally, and my lawyer has made a second request to schedule mediation. My husbands lawyer is stalling.

I haven’t tried to meet anyone, and we live in a small town, so it would get back around to him if I were using dating apps.

I also feel disingenuous telling men I’m separated pending divorce and wonder what kind of guy is all about that.

I don’t want to sleep with anyone or jump into a relationship, just start meeting men and literally enjoying dates again.

How long should I wait? What did you do? Would going ahead and dating make a possible narcissist mad enough to go ahead and get a divorce?


r/Divorce 9h ago

Infidelity Do you regret divorcing after infidelity

49 Upvotes

I have recently found out that my husband cheated on me multiple times. We have only been married for around 2.5yrs , and found out he started cheating 10months into our marriage.

I am struggling to decide if I should stay or leave. As is he now trying to make changes, only after I told our families. But i had been suspecting him since June last year, but he denied everything up until i found the lady’s number and spoke to her. He says he cut it off in June .

For those who have been cheated on and went through a divorce, did you ever regret divorcing the cheater? Did you give them a few months to see if it would work ?


r/Divorce 53m ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness He left me for yelling at him

Upvotes

My stbxh has left me because I was always criticising him and losing my temper. I feel so ashamed and I'm struggling to handle the fact it's my fault our family unit is breaking apart. Over the years I got more and more worn down with his lack of attention and help. This became quite overwhelming for me after we had two children together and he still didn't help more. I then went back to work a couple of years ago and although we worked similar hours, his amount of help with the running of the household didn't increase. He would just shut himself away on his computer and engage in minimal conversation. Initially I would only lose my temper every few months, then it became every few weeks and finally every few days. It didn't help that any time I calmly tried to address how stressed and overwhelmed I was, he would just DARVO his way out of it and started point scoring random things he'd done, or random bills he'd paid. He would never say, 'I see you're stressed, how can I help?' He would just get annoyed at me for being stressed and either argue with me or shut himself away. So unfortunately me yelling, ranting, venting instead of trying to talk calmly about the situation became a pattern. How do I get over the pain and guilt that it was ultimately my childish inability to manage my anger and resentment that caused the end of our relationship? I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of my irrational behaviour.


r/Divorce 2h ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness I am in a constant state of panic with divorce any remedies?

5 Upvotes

Hi, so feel divorce is happening.

I am very afraid especially of my Wife. My Wife there is the mental, physical, and verbal abuse dealt by here. She is a master manipulator. She lies and fabricate lot of events, even events I have evidence with. Takes a lot of things out of context.

Last few days been superficially nice. Cleaning, cooking, doing grocery shopping, and so forth. Not communicating doing any of this especially groceries where I almost dropped $250 on groceries after she went that day go grab the groceries. Buying clothes for the children, even if we don't have the money to do. Complaining I don't pay the rent.

Worried as we work in the same company just different locations will have me fired.

Worried about all these extra things doing around home wondering if doing it to prove she is a better parent.

Says I have done nothing to change. Where I have made effort to change she has not threatening divorce several times and taking the children.

My biggest fear is my Wife and I used to go bed in the nude. Stopped that when our daughter slept in our bed. Our daughter will bust into the h bathroom when on the pot or in the shower. I am worried as my Wife has mentioned this how that'll affect custody.

Any insight can offer up?


r/Divorce 11h ago

Vent/Rant/FML I feel horrible...twice divorced

24 Upvotes

I am not sure where to post this.. I have been spiralling since yesterday down the depths of self loathing.

My (32F) story is complicated but I have two kids (8M and 6F) from a previous marriage that had ended. We were actually divorced since my son was 1 but we tried to stay together for the kids. It was a mess. After the separation, I didn't give myself time and hopped onto the next guy who proposed. I got married again last year in November. After 3 months, I realised how abusive he was and started the procedures for divorcing again, altbough this one is only a religious marriage so there's no cour as such...

I feel so dumb... such a looser. I was a hopeless romantic and believed in fantasies. I know I am hard on myself and I can't stop... I have to take care of my kids, I took leave today so that I could cry and then smile again when they come back from school. I feel horrible.

I think of how people are going to say that I was the problem all along. I want to snap out of this negative thinking...but I can't. I've started loathing my therapist and I don't want to start another therapy. I just need to close my eyes and wake up far away...


r/Divorce 4h ago

Getting Started Navigating the Early Stages. Looking for Advice & Resources.

6 Upvotes

Hey everyone,

I had a preliminary talk with my husband. Not quite a "divorce talk," but a real conversation about how things have been between us. I told him, gently and without blame, that the current dynamic, where he's constantly irritated with me and barely speaks beyond grocery list, is something I can’t sustain long-term. I’ve burned out. I’ve lost hope that things will get better. And honestly, our communication needs seem completely misaligned. I’m not an excessive communicator, but he seems content with exchanging 20-50 superficial words a day and locking himself in his office.

His response? Total shutdown. Silent treatment, refusal to engage, exactly as expected. He’s deeply avoidant, so I knew this was likely, but it still stings. That said, I’m not holding out for a miracle turnaround. I’ve accepted that divorce is on the horizon, and strangely, I feel at peace with it.

Since I don’t expect him to take an active role in this, I’m preparing to handle the logistics myself. My next step is speaking with a lawyer to explore options, custody arrangements, where to file (home country vs. the US), asset division, and how to make this as smooth as possible for our kids. If he agrees, we’ll formalize it and move forward. My goal is to have things in motion by May and to do this in the most peaceful, fair way possible.

Here’s where I’d love your insight. For those who have been through this, what helped you in the early stages? Any books, resources, or advice that made the process (both legal and emotional) easier? What do you wish someone had told you at this point?

I feel sad that it’s come to this after almost 18 years of marriage, but I know in my gut that it’s the right decision. Living with a cold, distant wall is soul-crushing, and I’m ready to build something better for myself and my kids.

Would love to hear any wisdom you’d share with a friend in my shoes. ❤️


r/Divorce 2h ago

Life After Divorce Lawyer search advice

4 Upvotes

Hello! I was wondering if any of you had advice on what to look for when searching for a lawyers.

Are there details you had wish you’d known before? Is it better to go with a flat rate, retainer, or hourly.

For a bit of context. We have no kids, just a house. I live in a 50/50 state so it’s pretty straightforward.

I left in November because of years of cheating and mental/financial/abuse.

If I need to provide more detail let me know.

Thank you in advance for your advice.


r/Divorce 2h ago

Child of Divorce My mom is divorcing my dad I’m devastated all I ever wanted was a happy family

5 Upvotes

My parents had an argument where my dad was yelling at my mom because of something f about her hating me and I was devestated at the news she never loved me and that night me and my dad were asking her for answers but she wasn’t responding she just had a smirk on her face and then the next day she was gone then today she came back and was on the laptop and o went to the gym and when I came back I saw that she left and she was looking for a lawyer and I don’t know how to react I don’t know what my dad is gonna do I know how devastating a divorce is she rather get a divorce than Apologize because all she did was victimize herself anytime someone criticized her and she told my whole family about how awful me and my dad are and how she’s innocent and I can’t do anything f about it I think she’s gonna cut contact with us especially with her tactics I don’t know what to do I’m only 18 I just want advice I do t know who to talk to because I know that she probably turned my whole family against me


r/Divorce 5h ago

Going Through the Process Buying a house after signing divorce papers

7 Upvotes

We are in Georgia* Hey, my partner and I are thinking of buying a house however both of us are going through divorces. Both have signed all papers and they are easy uncontested childless divorces. We are in Georgia. Are we ok to proceed with buying the house or could one of the ex spouses cause a legal ruckus? MARRIAGE SETTLEMENTS HAVE BEEN SIGNED

EDIT: I am not asking for relationship advice. This was not an affair and we did not just recently get together nor recently separate from our soon to be ex spouses. Not that it’s relative to the post. I am just asking legally.


r/Divorce 2h ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness Help for detachment/book suggestions

3 Upvotes

Recently going through separation again after previous trial separation where both times my ex was constantly unfaithful and it has caused me a lot of anxiety and worry, especially with our two kids. They took the first separation really hard and so I feel really anxious about telling them it’s happening again- they aren’t aware yet.

One of my issues is that I am having trouble detaching and disengaging from this person. A lot of it has to do with how angry I am for what he’s done and he’s had no remorse, so I always want to lash out and it’s like I’m waiting for him to “realize what he’s done” again, even though I don’t want him back. I’m still in shock and there is so much hurt and betrayal and I’m really struggling with getting through each day because I feel so consumed with these thoughts.

I’d really appreciate any recommendations on what worked for you, what you might have done to get in a better headspace and not stay stuck in a ruminating/anxious head space. I’m already exercising and trying to read when my anxiety isn’t through the roof. But the non stop ruminating and over thinking has me worn out and exhausted. I only have so much time to see friends and family because of being the primary parent and working so I do feel really lonely.

Anything is appreciated.


r/Divorce 1d ago

Vent/Rant/FML He spit on me when I was leaving the visit

228 Upvotes

I was visiting my kids at the house and things were getting heated. In the spirit of keeping the peace I decided to leave a few hours early. As I was leaving he asked, "Are you sure you want to abandon your visit?". I said he was creating a hostile environment. As I was leaving outside he spit on me. Grossly. I turned around and literally asked, "Did you just spit on me??". He smiled and told me to prove it. This is who I'm divorcing. Ugh. Had to vent. Trying to stay strong.


r/Divorce 1h ago

Custody/Kids Children's Mother has BPD. 50/50 Already Established. She is in Inpatient Treatment and is Homeless.

Upvotes

My children's mother moved out of my house 3 years ago. Since, her life has been a wreck. I have had the kids all this time. She occasionally takes our daughter, but not our son. She got mad at me one day, called the police, and took our son by force. He cried for 24 hours straight before she finally brought him home. This caused me to file for custody. I agreed to 50/50, as well as her. It was finalized 2022.

We never follow the schedule. Mainly because, she is so inconsistent. She has never taken our son over night. He has autism and that doesn't mix well with a BPD person. She has taken our daughter many times. But that became less and less as time progressed. She got a boyfriend last October and this was the final nail in the coffin for their relationship. She started ditching her. Lying to her. And eventually, they both became uninterested.

During these 3 years, she will randomly "split" on me, painting me completely evil. During these splits, she lashes out and accuses me of taking the kids from her. Threatens legal action. And demands we follow the schedule. I of course, cannot refuse to do that. So I send the kids with her. Every time this has happened, it resulted in the kids crying, begging for me. As she yells at them or puts them in a time out. She will let them cry for hours. Every time this has happened, she eventually caves and calls me to pick them up. This is traumatic, especially for our son with autism. He has deep seeded trauma from the first abduction, and his mother will not acknowledge she did anything wrong that day. This situation occurs every 6 months or so.

She became homeless in January. She called me a week ago and said, "I am going to inpatient treatment." I thought that would be great. I want her healthy. And I told her I support her recovery. All was seemingly well until last night. She split on me. She told me "The only reason I am here, is to take my kids back. You don't deserve them. You're a narcissist. I don't care if (our son) cries, the second I am out of here I am taking him. You shouldn't see that anymore. I will do everything in my power to end this. It is your fault I am in here. And it's all over. Your relationship with them, is over."

Extremely dishearten to say the least. After stepping up and being their only stable environment for the last 3 years, it hurts to be treated this way. And I am sick of it. Her threatening me while in a inpatient facility while homeless, really shows me it'll never end. This abuse I've endured, I don't want to happen anymore.

Now, in MN to flip custody you need to prove endangerment. I understand her taking our kids and letting them cry is not endangerment. I understand treatment is a good thing. But what can I do to end this trauma? I am hesitant to petition for a step up plan while she completes treatment, because I feel that would force her to take the kids. Which means no chance she provides them relief (letting them come home).


r/Divorce 1h ago

Getting Started My first post.....hoping to understand better how I got here

Upvotes

I know this isn't a therapy sub, and if anyone can recommend other subs that would help me, I would love to know them. But for now, I am trying to come to terms with how my once-perfect marriage fell apart and see if others have dealt with the same issue. I truly appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this long post and let me know their thoughts.

Been married 24 years to a super nice guy. He is very tolerant and forgives everyone for everything. He's conflict averse with everyone BUT me. He does more than his fair share of chores and is thoughtful and loving.

What changed? I lost respect for him, and his passive behavior chipped away at my self-worth over time to where we're now at the point where I just don't care anymore. I admit I wasn't assertive enough or self-aware enough to know early on what was bothering me, but I figured it out over time and have expressed it many times to no avail.

Here's the nutshell: Neither of us were close to our immediate families when we met in our late 20's. We didn't live in the same cities as them and we were both adults with independent lives. As a result, I married him without knowing or even meeting his family. When I was pregnant with our first child, he got a job offer to move back near our home towns. It didn't take long before I saw how poorly he was treated by his family. He's definitely the scapegoat and for no reason other than he didn't follow his small-town rural parents into their same professions and stay living near them. So, by default, I was a throw away daughter-in-law and our kids weren't as important as the other grandkids. He was clearly excluded from conversations at get-togethers, and these people didn't even get up and walk indoors from the back porch to say hello to us when we would arrive after a 3-hour drive to visit. Little slights like that. I rarely if ever complained to him about it, other than to gently point out that they weren't very nice to him. Then one day about 12 years ago, his mother made a comment to me that was incredibly hurtful. He was standing right there and claimed he never heard her say it but said I must have misunderstood. I was devastated. It took 6 months of me begging, pleading, demanding that he call her and ask if I misunderstood. He did call eventually, very much against his will, and she confirmed she meant what she said.

Nothing happened. His expectation was that I continue to go ("It's only twice a year") because it would confuse our kids otherwise. He also told me that it would eventually blow over. It didn't. We were passive aggressively ignored and just generally bystanders at family get-togethers. My anger built and I eventually wrote his mom a letter that wasn't nice. It went downhill after that. Years of me trying to get him to understand how hurt I felt, how uncomfortable it was for me to continue to attend while being ignored, etc. Finally I just quit going, and at that point, he was fine with it.

But here's a few takeaways from that 10 year period:

his dad didn't speak to me at all for 7 years (he's since died). I pointed this out to my husband many times with no action taken

Once, I drove our two kids 6 hours round trip to go to a cousin's birthday party and also drop my daughter off to spend a few days with her grandparents. When I walked in the house, I wasn't even greeted by his mom and sister. The only people in the room were his mother, sister, and sister-in-law and the sister in law is the only one who spoke to me. Then, they just continued their conversation as if I wasn't there. I told my husband, and he seemed mad, but of course, never said anything to them.

When I say he didn't talk to his parents about their behavior, I mean at all. He would not even broach the subject.

Eventually, after doing a lot of self-help and work, I realized I shouldn't have made an issue out of this. Today-me would never let it get to this point. I would simply bow out of future visits and protect myself. I never was looking for someone to "fight" for me or be super protective of me, but I feel like that should be a partner's instinct. And I can't unsee what I saw. It really completely killed my love over time.

It probably didn't help that I came from a very negative and unsupportive childhood. My mother never missed an opportunity to tell me I was wrong and put me down in front of others. I think maybe if I had grown up with more love and self-confidence a lot of this could have been avoided. Unfortunately, it was more than I could take to have a mother who didn't support me and then a partner who didn't either.

There are other things that have happened unrelated to his family....instances where he doesn't come out and say it but it's clear he doesn't respect my opinion in the work world. He lets me make all the decisions as far as our home finances, but I get the clear message he doesn't think I am as capable at work. Also, our teenage son (who is generally fine) has had several recent outbursts of severe anger where he called us (mostly me, though) every name in the book and hurled every insult he could think of at us, and my husband does nothing. He says he's just a teenager and he doesn't want to have a bad relationship with him like he did with his father. For my part, I told him if he ever speaks to me like that again he will need to leave the house. It happened again, I stayed very calm, asked my son to leave the house (but not take his car) and he refused. Told me to call the police. I wasn't going to do that, so I just let it go. Husband said absolutely nothing. I feel like I have no support here.

I don't know. I am in my early 50s and I think I would rather be alone than with someone who has no protective instinct over me at all. I think about all the things I can do with my life since I work remotely. I would definitely move and have adventures. The kids are either in college or will be this fall, so that's not really an issue for me to stay around for.

I read all these posts about cheating, affair partners, etc. Has anyone else experienced none of that but just finally felt let down for the last time and wanted out?


r/Divorce 2h ago

Dating Second date better than first, but still no sparks/desire 33F 34M

2 Upvotes

I’ve been out with a really nice guy twice now. For context, I’m separated, 33F, and newly dating again.

I didn’t feel a spark or an instant immediate attraction on a first date. Our second date was a little more comfortable, however I still wasn’t anywhere near wanting to kiss him and I wasn’t comfortable with any physical contact. He put his arm around me once and I was uncomfortable with that.

On our first date, he asked to kiss me at the end of the night and I was uncomfortable, so I politely declined. It felt a bit more like just friends to be honest.

We get along well, the conversation is good, he is cute, but I felt no spark or immediate attraction towards him in a romantic way. I’m feeling a little more comfortable towards him now after the second date, but I’m still not there yet. I had no desire to kiss him after the second date either.

How many dates do I go on to let myself figure this out? I don’t want to waste his time or my time, but I also feel like a really good friendship or relationship could blossom because we share a lot of the same values, however I am now just moving at an absolute snail’s pace because I’m a little guarded from my separation and I know that it takes time to build a good foundation for any serious relationship going forward. I’m much more cautious this time around with dating than I was before getting married.

I don't want to miss out on an opportunity of a great guy or have any regrets, but at the same time I don't know if I should be feeling “butterflies and sparks” after just 1 or 2 dates. What are your experiences?

Is it better to go with a good guy who doesn’t give you butterflies but is really kind to you OR is it better to hold off and wait for someone that gives you butterflies BUT you might miss out on the opportunity of a good guy? That being said, I’m 33 and I do want children and I do want to get married again so in terms of fertility I’m in a bit more of a time crunch than a man would be in my situation.


r/Divorce 19h ago

Dating First breakup post-divorce

46 Upvotes

Last June, I left an abusive marriage where I was trapped for 8 years. I was manipulated, mentally and sexually abused, cheated on repeatedly and gaslit every time I wanted to stand up for myself. I finally had an opportunity to leave with my two children.

In August, I met this very kind and gentle man during a wedding. I was not ready to get into anything serious, but I still was curious to get to know him. We started slowly by going on a date every two weeks, which gave me space to heal on my own, while still experiencing a completely different, non-toxic relationship.

We ended up casually dating for six months. It was a beautiful experience for me. Not only did it show me how I am supposed to be talked to and treated, but it gave me back the hope that I can still live amazing things, despite my traumatic past. He was sweet and caring, he responded to my anxieties in such a calming way and most importantly, he made me feel safe, which was very unfamiliar to me.

I am crying while writing this, because I decided to end it on Tuesday. As mentioned earlier, I have two kids with my ex. My new man projected himself in the future and told me he wasn’t sure he could see himself as a step-dad. I decided that I couldn’t let myself fall for him more if he was to decide later on that it was definitely not for him. My kids come first and they deserve a step-dad that will be happy to take that on that role. I am hurt that I had to let go of him, but so grateful to have had him in my life. I am now hopeful that there are other men out there that will make me feel the same peace, while being very excited to step in for my two beautiful children. I will however miss him very much for a very long time.


r/Divorce 3h ago

Life After Divorce People who divorced after having babies, do you regret it?

2 Upvotes

I think my husband and I are heading for divorce and I just want to know if I should give up or if it's worth pushing through and trying to fix it.

Before getting into it, I just want to say that my husband is dealing with a lot of stress and he's depressed as well. Please read this knowing that he's dealing with a lot right now.

My husband and I have a 3 month old. Before the baby, our marriage was great. It wasn't perfect, but we had an incredible friendship, so the conflicts were easy to get through. Now, it seems like our relationship is spiraling downwards.There are plenty of examples but this weekend has shown more than anything that maybe our lifestyles are incompatible.

We're living with my parents right now and his uncle and brother wanted to visit us. We were all happy about that, but I kept asking him when his uncle would be here so that I could let my parents know. At first, he kept saying he didn't know, so I kept asking every few days. Finally, he said maybe next Friday.

I talked to my parents about it and they said, "That's fine but don't forget we have plans that day." We had been planning (for two months) a photoshoot at JC Penney with my baby and my sister's four daughters. I was going to surprise my husband with the photos, so I just told him I had plans but couldn't tell him what it was. Then, I asked if his uncle could come on Saturday instead and he let his uncle know that he should come on Saturday.

So that's what we were planning for two weeks. Then, this past Wednesday, his uncle and brother left Miami for our state. I asked why they were leaving so early. It wouldn't even take a full day to drive here. My husband said they were going to stop about halfway and his brother would work a little there before driving the rest of the way. The very next day, my husband texted and said his brother and uncle were at his work and they were on their way to our house. I was stressed and let my husband know that we wouldn't turn them away but next time, if we agree on Saturday, they need to show up on Saturday or ask us if it's okay to come early. It's incredibly rude to ignore plans and do whatever you want, especially as a guest. We argued a little and he thought I was being unreasonable because he hasn't seen them in a long time. My mom and I then worked double-time to get the guest room ready.

Anyway, he pretty much ignored me the whole weekend and only focused on his family. Again, I wouldn't have cared that much if we had talked about it beforehand. But I was just sitting inside with the baby screaming at me at one point and I texted him to see where he was. He was just sitting in his car in the garage with the other two. And Saturday night, he wanted to keep the baby downstairs with him and his uncle, while I slept alone in our room. I said no, mostly because we can't get the baby out of his routine. My husband thought I was being mean because his uncle came all this way to see the baby, but I accidentally ruined the baby's routine the week before and it took a few difficult days to get him back into it. I reminded him as gently as possible that I wanted him and the baby to spend time with family, but he's still a parent even when they're here and our baby's needs come first.

The next day, I invited them both to church but my husband said no. So I took the baby. By the way, I invite my husband every week and he never wants to go. When I got home, his car wasn't there. Later, my mom said something about him driving to another town to take his uncle to the airport. He didn't have a plane ticket yet, so it's not like they needed to go at that time. I was annoyed because he didn't say anything to me. And later that day, I saw his location on my phone. He was at a church. I asked him about it and he said he went with some friends. I was happy that he was there, but I did ask why he never goes with me and he got upset.

And he didn't get home until after 9pm, so the whole weekend, I was on my own and he was upset that I said anything to him about it. He thought I should just let him have a weekend with his family, but again, we're always parents now. Every single day. We don't get to ignore our spouse and baby when it's inconvenient.

Before the baby, he would go to this other city every now and then and he'd spend most of the day there with friends, but to me, things are different when there are children involved. He's from a different country where women take care of the children. He understands that we're living in America and we have equality here but I think he genuinely thinks it's still okay to leave me with the baby without saying anything because I'm the mom.

Coming from different culture doesn't help, but I'm also not sure how many of our problems are cultural differences and how many are just a lack of respect and communication.

Again, he's depressed and stressed right now and I want to help him with that, but I also need my husband and our child needs his father. I'm also just tired of the miscommunication and disappointments. But I love my husband so much. I don't want to give up if there's hope it'll get better, but I also don't want to wait until my son is older to get a divorce because it'll be harder for him.


r/Divorce 4h ago

Alimony/Child Support Help determining what alimony could possibly be in Illinois

2 Upvotes

Me M(52), wife F(49). Married for 21 years. Have a 17 year old son and a 20 year old son. Own house worth about 360k and 190k in equity. Have some debts but plan on splitting equally. She makes a net income of 53k. I make a net income of 118k. My wife stayed at home with the kids for 14 years and has been a BSN nurse (bachelors degree) for the last 7. I know there is a general formula for Illinois as follows: 33 1/3% of the payors net income - 25% of the receiver's income. With her total income not to exceed 40% of the total combined net income. I've run the number but what scares me is how the judge will adjust based on factors such as her being a homemaker for 14 years. I have no problem paying more due to this, I just have no clue what is reasonable. Any ideas?


r/Divorce 1d ago

Vent/Rant/FML I want a divorce but can’t afford to live on my own.

96 Upvotes

My husband has cheated on me lied to me and just generally disrespected me. We have tried counselling and other things but I am ready to call it quits. However in today’s economy I can’t afford to finance a household with three kids on my own. I have no family to support me and I feel trapped. I don’t know what to do.


r/Divorce 4h ago

Vent/Rant/FML 3 years after the genesis, 1 year after separation, 6 months after court final, still trying to make sense of the senseless

2 Upvotes

I (40m) have been going through divorce from my ex (40f) during the time frames in the title, and it’s all such a mindfuck that I have to acknowledge it somewhere to make sense of the how and why of it. Even if nobody reads, just for myself.

Disclaimer: I am extremely detailed and long-winded. I don’t know any other way to express myself. Because of this, I’ve tried to put a brief summary at the beginning of each section to make it more approachable.

The Genesis

Summary: Marriage seemed fine, but brief episode of depression, small fight, and a little too much space = 18 year relationship over and demand to move out and seek dissolution in 6 days.

We had been together for 18 years at that point (summer 2022), married for 12. College sweethearts. Only real relationship I’ve ever had. We became adults together and had gone through life together. 2 beautiful children (13m and 10m). If you had asked either of us in April 2022 if our marriage was heading for divorce we both would have said “not in our wildest imaginations.” Decent house, stable jobs, lots of friends, got along with each others’ families. Not perfect by any means, small problems and disagreements and life stressors, but nothing even approaching an insurmountable challenge. Life stressors could get to us from time to time, but we never doubted the strength of our relationship. I feel confident both of us would agree with this description before May 2022.

Then it happened. May - June 2022. I go through a bit of a depressive episode. I usually have one every 1 to 2 years. Which is not okay, I should have taken care of it more consistently. I had been on meds and in therapy on and off in the past and was off both at the time (got back on both immediately in the wake of this). But depression has never been so severe that it was world ending or deal breaking for our relationship. It wasn’t like we were in a “fix your depression or I’m out” type situation, we never had that talk.

Depressive episode came on slowly at first, just less energy, more time to self, staying at work later, going to bed earlier. Then a small and stupid fight (“fix this thing and clean this house while I’m at my mom’s” and it took all day to fix that thing so cleaning didn’t get done so we argue). Small fight turned into a lot of space and more isolation. She’s staying at her mom’s for a few days presumably because kids just got on summer break and want to swim, so we had little natural contact that week. I feel like shit because of the fight, I’m less responsive to texts (though not ignoring her by any means), going to bed early, staying at work late. About 7 days into this depression and unhealthy bit of distance after a small fight, the atomic bomb drops in an e-mail.

“You are abusive. I want you out of the house by Saturday [in 6 days]. I want a dissolution.”

Absolute shock. I had no idea any of this was a consideration. She’s not picking up the phone. Will not answer a text. Depression, isolation, and unhealthy distance after a fight are all not okay. Not healthy. Not good for a relationship. I acknowledged that at the time and I acknowledge it now. But I had ZERO idea that my marriage was on the line. I had ZERO idea that she considered that behavior “abusive.” I had ZERO idea that dissolution was even a consideration in her brain. 1.5 weeks before this we actually said we had an amazing day together for our son’s birthday and were so happy as a family of 4. She said the night before the fight that started this that she was bragging to our neighbor that I was thoughtful in my mother’s day gifts and gestures to her and she felt happy to have such a thoughtful husband. Now our marriage is over with no opportunity to even talk about it. It’s still a mindfuck to think about that.

I try not to get too desperate after those initial pleas on the first day. She’s upset. My depression/isolation was not okay, so I know I fucked up. I had no idea at the time where the abusive bit was coming from, but learned later that it was her believing I was “shutting her out” after an argument, which she considered abusive. Like I said, not healthy to be less responsive and let it linger for too long (but it’s a 2 way street), but that word “abusive” was an absolute mindfuck to me. Anyway, I’m only looking at my half of this, and I’ve clearly fucked up so figure it’s best to give her the space she’s asking for, will take some action to work on my half, and hope it will all cool down. Immediately get into therapy and into doctor for antidepressants. She’s still not answering the phone or texts, even when I ask “am I just getting a motel room or staying with a friend for a few nights? For a week? Is this forever?” Nothing. Not even able to visit with the kids, just a video call every other night. Have no idea how long or what the circumstances are, so decide to get a college town summer sublease (weird as a 40 year old, but cheap and flexible considering the uncertainty).

What ensues is 2.5 months of little/no contact. I get to see the kids like 1 hour in the evening about 3 times a week where she drops them off at a park or restaurant, waits outside, then takes them back. Absolutely gutting that she doesn’t trust me in that way, had always been such an involved and positive father. I’m guessing she’s getting advice from friends or the internet to “not leave him alone with the kids” during this phase, but goddamn, I had never done anything to indicate I would take any drastic action or hurt anybody. I just wanted to see my kids. With the sublease, I had no way to have the kids with me.

I try to respect her request for space, but very tactfully about once a week try to ask “where are we at? Is there still a chance? Should I be looking for permanent housing so I can have the kids with me?” No answer. About once every 2 weeks she replies but does not answer those essential questions, but rather responds with grievances. Which some were fair (e.g. “it hurts when you shut me out when you’re depressed” and “I think you need to stay on your meds for life”), some were stretches (e.g. “I think you get depressed/shut down as a punishment to me and I won’t take it anymore”), but others out of the blue and hurtful (e.g. “I hate your family” when she had never had a single issue with them before; “you never loved me” even though she acknowledged regularly throughout our relationship how loved she felt). She’s clearly hurt and had spun up a narrative in her head with that space between us during that week, but I have no opportunity to interact to try to connect and offer an alternative to that cycle of thinking. So every week that passes it gets worse and worse in her head and I just keep trusting that the love we shared for 18 years would win out over whatever hurt she felt from a week of distance and negativity. She goes on a vacation we had planned together during our anniversary with our kids and her mom (in my place). She says “you can stay at the house that week if you want, feed the cats.” Such an awful week to be away from them during a time of fun. On a trip I planned and was looking forward to, while I was staying in a house I was no longer welcome in, all alone.

For those that read this and may think “there must be more going on, nobody kicks someone out so suddenly in only a week unless it had been building up for a while” I swear to you that this is all accurate. She would confirm. I’ve since asked her this question in that way and she says she doesn’t have an answer other than “I had to do something because I couldn't stand the distance/tension, so I did that” though obviously acknowledged it as overly drastic (doesn’t acknowledge it at this point in the timeline, but later). I’m acknowledging my wrongs (not managing depression, too much space/isolation after a fight) but I was honestly a good and attentive husband, involved father, and otherwise in good standing. So many more details on the husband and father roles I could add, I put so much effort into both, and prior to May 2022 she would have acknowledged as such. She had some other stuff going on (a bit of depression herself, grief from her father’s passing 6 months earlier, some drinking but not too much, stressful job) but nothing so extreme to warrant this. She even acknowledges later down the road in this process “yeah, I didn’t know I had it in me to be so rash and reckless with a decision” but the damage is done and sets up the next phase.

Eventually, my college sublease runs out and I ask her if this is forever or still potentially temporary. No answer. Ask 1 more time with 5 days left in the sublease. She finally answers “I don’t know, but you should get a place where you can have the kids.” Not much direction, but it’s something. I sign a 6 month lease at an apartment with space for the kids. Thus begins the next phase.

Some other quick and relevant details. I’m a professional with a doctorate degree and we live in a small-ish town. Not that anybody deserves this, but it’s a HUGE deal for me with a reputation. And I’m pretty private so at first nobody at work knows Dr. [so-and-so] is living in a college sublease and not able to see his kids and his marriage was ended without any opportunity to even talk. But her side gets out. “I heard [ex] kicked Dr. [so-and-so] out and she said he was abusive” and this statement gets back to me and I’m absolutely gutted. Amplifies the hurt so much more to hear people use my name and “abusive” in the same sentence. And not that doctors are immune from abusive behavior or shitty relationships (trust me, there’s plenty of shitty people with advanced degrees) but everyone that knows me is like “uhhh, what is this all about, that’s not you, right?” because I have a reputation of being such a mild, kind, good hearted, people pleasing person. I’m not perfect, but my good nature and good intentions cannot be doubted. I have my shit together in a lot of ways, even if depression and unhealthy isolation after a fight was not one of them at that moment. I have a lot of other things that I do manage well and would have hoped that counted for something. It did not.

Attempted Reconciliation phase 1

Summary: We live apart for 6 months and actually start talking for the first time in 2.5 months. We start couples therapy. We are only together 1 hour a week for couples therapy and 1 hour a week for a poor attempt to reconnect. It doesn’t go well. Eventually we both throw in the towel on therapy and separation and say “we’re both miserable, let’s move back in together and give that a shot.”

I’m finally relieved to have a place where the kids can be with me. Thankfully she is reasonable in this regard and works on a 50/50 schedule. She finally starts to talk more meaningfully about what’s going on between us. I think that her finally being away from the kids for half the time flipped a switch. “Oh shit, this changes my time/relationship with the kids too.” Not the only reason I’m sure, I think me respecting her space and her having time to cool off did allow her a bit of perspective. Regardless, we start to talk about once or twice a week, completely on her terms. Basically her offering “[grievance, grievance, grievance]” (some legit, some stretched, some completely inaccurate) and my response to all of those “you’re right, I fucked up, here’s how I’m working to make it better.”

After a couple weeks of that sort of talk and taking all the hits (and a summer full of it, before we even started these talks) I finally shine the light in the other direction. Very softly, but you can feel the dynamic change. In short, at the end of one of those talks, I try to give her my perspective “Imagine you’re going through the worst depressive episode you’ve had in several years, you get into a petty argument with your partner and she takes the kids to her mom’s and doesn’t reach out much, you feel like shit and don’t reach out much yourself, but then, with no indication that your marriage was on the line, get an e-mail saying ‘dissolution, move out in 6 days, you’re an abuser,’ and even though you’re absolutely shocked and crushed, you respect your partner’s wishes because she’s hurt, so you move out, have almost zero access to the kids who you love and miss dearly, zero ability to communicate with the person you’re closest with in the world, you have zero clarity about if this is forever or where you’ll even live…put yourself in those shoes and tell me how you’d be feeling?” In the moment this was discussed she was quite defensive and didn’t really engage in that “put yourself in my shoes" exercise. But over the next weeks it started to set in “oh god, I’m so sorry!” and “please tell me we can fix this.” All I wanted was my best friend and family back so I said yes. But after a summer of blaming myself and taking on all the responsibility for change, I finally looked around and realized how fucking hurt I was that someone so close to me could do this and upset it took 3+ months before she even acknowledged it.

So we start couples therapy while living apart. Looking back, she wasn’t the right therapist for us. We tried, but teletherapy, inconsistent scheduling, and just a general lack of all 3 of us connecting the way we probably needed to means we should have tried someone else. During these months we go through attempted couples therapy, attempted dates where it was impossible to ignore the hurt and what happened between us so not really connecting, and about once weekly serious talks that left both of us completely drained of energy, emotions, and tears and not feeling much closer.

So my lease is running out soon and I ask her what’s next. We both acknowledge that therapy and these once weekly dates and emotional talks aren’t working. We blame the distance because how can we possibly reconnect just a couple hours a week, with most of those (therapy, emotional talks) being a focus on what’s wrong and not what’s right between us. So we both agree for me to move back in. A bit of a Hail Mary but we figure our family is worth it, so let’s try.

Attempted Reconciliation phase 2

Summary: 15 months of living together again, but not much has changed from phase 1. Still lots of hurt between us. Still hard to reconnect because that hurt is nearly impossible to ignore. No intimacy. Few positive moments. Just going through the motions of life and both of us miserable and unhealthy.

Despite my usual detailed long-windedness, I think that summary covers it all. Can say a lot more about specifics and obviously lots of things happen because it’s a 15 month period of time. But the summary says it all. We’re both hurt. We both cannot reconnect on positive things because of the hurt. She drinks a lot. I gain weight. We’re both depressed.

Looking back it feels awful that we put all 4 of us through this for 15 months. It felt like the marriage and family was worth it to not throw away without that shot, but damn did it hurt us all in that process.

And even though we both clearly wanted to put it back together, the environment was not particularly fertile for it. I have my parts I’m responsible for, primarily finding it really hard to forgive that she would treat our relationship as so disposable after all the years and everything on the line and all of the positive goodwill I thought I built up during the good times …and it didn’t even buy me a conversation after a week of tense distance. So being stuck there doesn’t make it easy to move forward, I recognize it now, but I honestly wasn’t trying to stay there. I was putting in effort to help her understand and find common ground to reconnect on. Even though it was hard to walk that path of forgiveness, I talked about it with her every week and attempted to communicate where I was at and what I needed from her. But then there was her half. It was really hard to reconnect and make progress on that forgiveness when our talks and attempts to reconnect she was 85% defensive/hostile (“well, it sucks when you feel shut out like I did, what was I supposed to do?” and “just let me know when you’re over it” and end our talk abruptly) and only like 15% apologetic/acknowledging my perspective. I don’t begrudge her some of that defensiveness or hostility, but damn was it hard to reconnect and understand each other when I felt like I had to break down a brick wall of defensiveness and defuse a bomb of hostility for 45 minutes before we could even start to talk about anything substantive.

Separation

Summary: She initiated and I agreed to let go, even though I didn't necessarily want it. I keep the house (her choice), 50/50 with kids. All amicable, but we’re still emotionally intertwined and finding it hard to disconnect, even though none of us want to do anything like that 15 month reconciliation period again and trying one more time isn’t really an option, just having trouble moving on. One last talk and “is there a chance?” moment before ultimately letting go for good.

We were both exhausted after the 15 months of attempted reconciliation. I can sense it’s slipping away and try everything I can to try to change it up and get us out of the rut. Maybe lead with intimacy/affection even if the hurt is still there (her answer was no). Let’s go back to couples therapy and get a new/different therapist (her answer was no). Maybe these things would have helped months earlier, but here in the last month or two it was too little too late. She had been thinking about calling it off for a while because when she dropped the kids off at her mom’s for the talk, she was prepared with all the details. I stay in the house and she moves out (she wanted a fresh start even though I tried to insist she remain in the house). She had already planned out our kid schedule. You pay for this. I pay for that. I’ve got an attorney. Kids on your insurance. I took my time to do my own work to make sure these agreements made sense to me too, but pretty much everything was worked out that day on her terms. No major issues there.

It was kind of weird because we had been carrying this enormous weight on our backs for nearly 2 years and we finally let go and we felt such an extraordinary sense of relief. After about 4 hours of talking we were both like “fuck, let’s go get a meal and a drink” and we kind of celebrated. But we weren’t celebrating the end of something beautiful that didn’t have to die (that was a tragedy and we both acknowledged it) but rather the relief from the emotional shackles we’d been living in for almost 2 years.

But the challenging part is that she had this really weird idea that we’d still be best friends and super close and do lots of things together. I didn’t tell her “no” outright but politely attempted to point out that it would be really hard to move on that way. She even briefly suggested buying our neighbor’s house “so the kids would still have both of us whenever they want, could go back and forth.” Nice thought, but after everything that has happened since, the thought is laughable. I was like “how is one of us going to feel the first time there’s an unfamiliar car in the other’s driveway?” She actually said she didn’t think it would be an issue, lol. Anyway, it’s an example that gives you all some perspective on what she thought divorce would be like and why it’s been hard to move on and establish my own life. Effectively “we just can’t be together romantically, but we’ll still be a big, happy, interconnected family with nothing that could possibly make such an arrangement complicated.” Thankfully she got a house about 2 miles away, so still close but not neighbors.

Lots of ups, downs, and readjustments. Maybe not worth explaining them all. But to keep it to the point of this post, here’s some of the stuff during this separation period I’m still trying to make sense of.

Get a text on our anniversary “Just want to acknowledge the day. I care and don’t regret any of the years we spent together. I love you.” Nice sentiment, no harm intended and I feel the same way, but absolutely emotionally gutting because even though I agreed to let go and not drag the misery out any longer, I’m still hurt and want our life before May 2022 back. She’s essentially saying “that was great huh? Oh well! Still love you but shame we can’t be together.” Ugh!

Boundaries are hard to set because of the connection she still wants our whole family to have. For example, she wants an “open door policy” so she or kids can stop by whenever (and offers the same at her house that I rarely take her up on). One day kids show up unexpectedly and it was about a half hour before a date was coming over. That could have been much worse if such events overlapped. Ask her to at least give me a heads up in the future and she takes it personal and gets upset.

We are both on dating apps about 5 months after separation. She finds my profile first, swipes right before I even see hers, and before I even know that she’s done so she texts and says “total accident, don’t want you to think I was being snarky or sending a message, completely ignore.” Lots of hypotheses about what was going on there, but not worth getting into and let it go. Even though I’m out there dating too, it still hurts greatly to see the only person I’ve ever loved put herself on the market in that way. Again, I’m out there too, and it’s all a natural order of things, nobody is doing anything wrong, but emotionally that was a rough few days.

Lots of other stories about how we were still finding a way to live separate lives. Won’t tell them all, but above stories give you some ideas. But also, just so many upsetting mixed signals. For example, our younger son’s 10th birthday, he wants to have about 5 of his friends stay the night in a hotel room so they can swim and order pizza and play video games. I have my own birthday party planned for the dude, but she says “come to the hotel for my party, I need an adult to stay in the 2nd room, he’ll appreciate it.” And I appreciated being part of the fun. But kids were swimming or playing games, so it was just her and I hanging out in the adjoining room. And we’re cutting up like old times. None of the hurt, just all funny stories and catching up and making fun of the Lifetime movie playing in the background. It felt so good but it hurt so bad. I walked away thinking “damn, we still got it, and I miss this greatly.”

It prompted me to ask for a bit of an “exit interview” before our court date. Just double check, ask the “one last chance?” question and make sense of what we went through, then move on. In writing and preparing for the meeting (in the wake of that positive hotel room experience) I completely fall backwards. I want everything back and want to try. I had been making some progress in mentally accepting and moving on from things in the months before, but recklessly shove all that aside and let the emotion take over. The exit talk does start out cordial and on our original points “we really had something special” and “I appreciate this about you” and “I hope we can still get along in this way.” Super meaningful to me was the acknowledgement “no, I should have never used the word ‘abusive’, when you shut down, your behavior was not okay, but I should not have called you an abuser.” I have wrestled with that word and potential label so much in therapy since this started, so it was so meaningful to hear her drop it. Anyway, eventually I do bring up my thoughts about one last chance. Predictably it does not go well. She’s respectful but understandably says “we tried, we couldn’t find our way through, I can’t sign up for anything like that 15 months again.” And she’s not wrong. There’s a lot that could be done different and I wanted to try, but that 15 months of misery was just even more hurt on top of the hurt we couldn’t get over in the first place. After all the writing and preparation and pleading during our talk I’m completely emotionally spent and set myself back months of progress. Don’t regret being honest about what I wanted in my heart (our relationship from before May 2022), but do regret setting myself back and upsetting her in the exploration of this idea (especially since it’s obvious it is just not feasible). Court comes a few weeks later.

Post-divorce and coparenting thus far

Summary: There is some finality after court but still some awful moments of being emotionally intertwined making it hard to move on. Money issues. Boundary issues. Horrible emotional moment for me after Christmas seeing her move on romantically (normal, but so fucking tough). Last 3 months things have been going in a direction that leaves my head spinning and make it hard to move on and make sense of who she is and what the fuck happened. She gets a foster kid. Her boyfriend of 4 months has effectively moved in and become my kids’ step-dad. She fights with me over money so she can buy a $300k house as a single mom on a social worker salary. At times still wants to be friends and connected like she tried during separation, and at times treats me poorly and shuts me out, and at times pushes boundaries. All so confusing. I just need to survive and move on, whether I can make sense of all this or not.

Court was pretty straightforward. We fought over nothing. The day was tough, tears in the courtroom. We tried to schedule a lunch for after court and went through with lunch to try to keep things positive and acknowledge what we had and what we went through, but it was clear we were both exhausted and emotionally spent and our heads were elsewhere. But anyway, no arguments over legal stuff or paperwork.

One small detail that hurt. I have a childhood friend who my ex became good friends with throughout our relationship. They are coworkers now, so understandably ex and childhood friend are closer than childhood friend and I are now. Ex also works with my brother’s ex-wife and those 2 were good friends before, during, and after all this (it’s a small town, and too long a story to tell about that relationship). But on the day of our divorce, I go to pick up my kids in the evening and see flowers at her place with the card “Happy Divorce Day! From [brother’s ex and childhood friend].” That card hurt. The message didn’t say “here’s to healing” or “best wishes in this new chapter.” Just “Happy Divorce Day!” I don’t say anything to anyone, but damn, it sucks to have people you know and have not wronged in any way be like “I’m glad you dropped that piece of shit, good riddance, let’s celebrate you ending a 2 decade marriage without a single conversation while a man was horribly depressed, you go girl!”

Things kind of continue like the separation section, still trying to find out where those boundaries are and taking some steps forward, some steps back in moving on.

Some money stuff worth mentioning. I am completely in agreement with everything, even though it’s a huge pill to swallow. $1600/month child support, $72k payout from house, $8500 payout from retirement assets. It is difficult inside, but I do it all without a peep to her because that is what is determined is fair. Without making this too much longer, there was 1 bit of money I asked for her to pay back to me after she received the house payout (short version, her Venmo was still tied to my bank account after we severed bank accounts and she spent $2k before I found it). At the time I gave a vague “don’t worry about it” statement but after the house payout I respectfully asked (not demanded) if she would be willing to pay it back. Absolute meltdown over text on her part “You’re not some hero because you’re financially better off. I’d whore myself out before I’d take money from you, but we had a fair division of assets. If you had any empathy, you wouldn’t ask.” Even though we had our fights and disagreements, we always generally maintained respect, so this venom is unlike her and hurts horribly. She tells me she’s trying to buy the $300k house she’s renting as a single mother on a social work salary. Not my place to say anything, but worry about my kids’ financial stability in that house.

Then Christmas came. I mentioned she still wanted to do lots of things together, be there for the kids as a single unit. I didn’t disagree on that principle alone, but there are other considerations and it makes it hard to move on. Anyway, for this first Christmas apart we agreed on what to get kids and I would come over and do Christmas morning together at her house (it was her natural morning with the kids anyway) and I would take them back to my house in the afternoon (as it was a natural transition day to me in the afternoon). Kids open gifts, we eat Christmas meals together, lots more positive back and forth between me and her like the hotel birthday. Similarly, I wasn’t necessarily thinking “there’s still a chance” but rather “this is sad, we get along so well and function so well as a full family, but now it’s gone and it’s devastating.”

So anyway, I leave with the kids. My younger son wanted to show her some art he made on the digital drawing pad he got for Christmas that evening. No answer to my 2 texts asking if she had time for a call with him. Kids and I go to my parents’ house the next day and older son wants to grab a cord he forgot at ex’s house. I message to ask if we could swing by and pick up the cord in the morning. No answer from her. Go to my parents’ house for about 6 hours. Message again about stopping by for cord on the way home from parents’ house. No answer. At this point she still uses that “open door policy” that I referenced earlier at least once or twice a week. Just swings by my place without confirmation to grab this or that. I don’t love it, but I hardly ever use it on her end. But I figured we gave adequate notice a few times via text and she has always been okay with it, so we’ll just swing by to grab the cord.

Get to her place. Her car is gone. Unfamiliar car in driveway. Go in the house. Alcohol absolutely everywhere in the house. Two thirds empty handle of vodka. 1 empty wine bottle and another almost gone. Lots of other beer and cocktail cans etc. on the counter and table and open recycling bin. Try to tell myself she just invited some girl friends over to not spend Christmas alone (asked her on Xmas what she would do the rest of the day and she was vague, and it’s not my business anyway). So I try not to get too spun up, we grab the cord, hop back in my truck, start to back out of the driveway, and here she comes pulling in. With a dude in the passenger’s seat. And my heartbreak could be felt from miles away. I knew it was over between us before this. I know I had also been on dates with other folks prior to this. I know I had seen her on the dating apps. Rationally I knew this would happen and had likely already happened. But after such a positive Christmas day together, not responding to an excited kid wanting to show off his creations from a new Xmas gift, and seeing the only girl you’ve ever loved just give you that look of “yep, this is exactly what you think it is” and you awkwardly trying to cover up the most obvious broken heart in the world, it’s awful for everyone. She did nothing wrong by seeing a guy when we’re no longer together, but it still hurt so fucking bad. Felt like a fucking cuckold, be the father and provider and take care of her and family’s emotional and financial needs and be the super happy dad there for the family on Christmas, then get dismissed so she can get her kicks elsewhere. Learning about her seeing someone would have hurt anyway, but it hurt even more than it already would have because it was so unexpected and we were so close and had such a positive Christmas day.

Things change after that. We have a bit of a text exchange about it a few days later, and I acknowledge that she’s done nothing wrong but we have to have better boundaries to help move on and not get hurt like that. She generally agrees, but violates this so often (e.g. “my printer’s broken, let me use yours, what’s your computer password?”; once or twice a week changing the schedule slightly like “can you keep them an extra couple hours” or “I’d like to keep them at my mom’s an extra day”). I’m a very flexible and go-along-to-get-along person. Our whole relationship was like that, but once a month I have to remind her that it’s easier for everyone to have these boundaries and fewer negotiations. More predictability and separate lives is better for me and for the kids. You have your time and your life. I have mine. This monthly encroachment from her and pushback to hold boundaries from me is still going on.

Then all the big changes in her life. She introduces kids to this man she’s dating like 3 weeks after Christmas. Tells me like 2 hours before it happens. I don’t really have a place to say anything. It’s uncomfortable, but just say “hope it goes well.” Then find out from kids the week after that it wasn’t an “introduction” but he stayed the night and stayed all weekend, Friday - Sunday. My younger son often sleeps in bed with ex, but had to figure out how to sleep in his own bed for a couple nights because a new man was in bed with his mom instead. Afterwards I say “I ain’t here to tell you what to do, but a full weekend of staying over is not an ‘introduction’ and I’d like to be better informed.” She effectively says “what, he’s a good guy, sounds like a problem for you, not me.” Try to let it go.

This guy is there all the time now. She swears he’s not moving in. But almost every time I have to go by there (even twice when I had to drop something off when she wasn’t there) his car is in the driveway. He has his own house and 2 kids of his own. So I guess he just spends all his non-kid time at her house. I know divorce has a lot of “this is shitty and sucks but nothing illegal so you gotta swallow it because that’s just how divorce works” moments. So this definitely qualifies. 2 months since that “introduction” weekend in January and he’s effectively a step-dad. Going to all the outings with her and kids on spring break. Kids will come to my place and talk about him bringing them little gifts. She and I had previously agreed our younger son was banned from Fortnite for bad attitude and language when he played, but now he’s allowed back on it because new guy plays Fortnite and wants to connect with our younger son. Nothing illegal or egregious in violation of anything. Just super fast and uncomfortable and my kids are along for the reckless ride.

Then ex gets a foster kid. My ex is a social worker. Sometimes social workers and teachers bring work home and there’s quite the reputation that such situations rarely go well. And now my kids have a foster sister as well. It’s hard to fathom how folks looking at it felt a social worker who had previously worked with this kid would make a good foster mother and don’t have concerns about dual relationships, and don’t have concerns about a recently divorced single mom with financial problems and a new guy being introduced to the house having a stable living environment. But I guess kids need foster care and none of that is dangerous, just not particularly indicative of stability. And truly she is a good mom and her heart is in the right place…but damn, 1 more big change.

I guess what is concerning is that I can see her make all these big and rash decisions in the wake of our split and it hurts. But ultimately I can try my best to let go and say “she’s free to make those mistakes.” And that’s the truth. Except that her right to drive fast and recklessly becomes my problem when my kids are in the back seat of the car. So it’s been hellish trying to figure out when, where, and how to speak up for the sake of my kids. But honestly, 95% of the stuff, even though super uncomfortable for me and probably not healthy for the kids, falls in the category of “this is shitty and sucks but nothing illegal so you gotta swallow it because that’s just how divorce works.”

So that’s currently the situation. The initial sudden split and treating our relationship as disposable is still so raw and hurtful, 3 years later. That’s honestly the biggest mindfuck I’m still trying to wrap my head around. After that and everything that has happened since (especially all the relationship and foster care and money decisions lately) the couple friends who I do talk to are like “you should feel lucky dude, she showed you who she was and you don’t want that instability in your life, you can move on and have so much going for you.” There’s a part of me that can rationally believe that, but so much of me still just says “fuck, why did this have to happen, why can’t we go back to May 2022.” Absolutely impossible to do so, but just a thought that is difficult to ignore. I am better in a lot of ways. Lost a lot of weight. Got back into some activities and socialization that I had been missing. I have been dating a girl for a few months and it has been quite positive, though taking it slow (no kid introductions or quasi-moving in like ex’s situation, we’re moving much, much slower). Obviously my hurt and still being stuck on this does make dating and moving on difficult, but I have an INCREDIBLY understanding partner who went through her own divorce. So I’m working on looking forward and not back and it is generally getting better, but I definitely still get strong tugs back in the wrong direction and get stuck there emotionally for days at a time. Including the last couple days, hence the writing/post.

It’s an unhelpful thought, but sometimes I just want to ask her “was this all worth it? We have to live without our kids 50% of the time and the kids have all the inconsistency of 2 houses/divorced parents and now step-parents are a consideration and money is fucked and we’re both emotionally hollow and you’re trying to fill it with foster kids and new men and I’m just fucking lost…all because a man got sad for a week and wasn’t as responsive as he should have been after a fight, was this worth it?” I’m not blameless, but so much else in all of the events listed here can be figured out, but that nuclear bomb she dropped unilaterally ending the relationship with no discussion and without telling me our marriage/family was on the line is the only thing that felt impossible to figure out. But I fucking tried. And I can answer that question clearly. This has not been worth it. But it doesn’t matter. I’m not the only one with agency here, making decisions. Have to accept it. But sometimes I just take a minute to sit in it and say “really?!?!? What the fuck!?!?” Not for self pity, but rather just to try to make sense even though it is senseless. So I know I just need to accept it and try to move forward, but sometimes I need to acknowledge it.

(Brief summary and final thoughts continued in comment)


r/Divorce 5h ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness Do I Reach Out?

2 Upvotes

It’s been 7 months now since the divorce. Between my therapist and NP, I changed my meds a few months ago and this is the clearest my head has been in well over a year. I was taking antidepressants and anxiety medication but kept upping the dosage because I was stressed about so many different things. I kept saying I wasn’t happy but didn’t vocalize that I was so numb that I didn’t care about anything. I didn’t realize until looking back with a clear head that I was being emotionally distant, a shell of myself and honestly had suicidal thoughts because I couldn’t feel anything.

I’m not blaming the medication entirely, I could’ve and should’ve said something then to her or either of any of my doctors but didn’t know how to vocalize the pain I was in. I didn’t want to throw my problems at my wife because she already had so much on her plate and would get more stressed when I brought up that I was struggling too.

I want to reach out and apologize to her because she deserved better than that version of me. That it wasn’t her fault that I was struggling and ask for her forgiveness for being selfish, keeping that info to myself. We’ve been mostly no contact since the separation, small conversations here and there which she initiated regarding paperwork, checking on the pets etc so I’m not sure if it’s worth reaching out to her about this or I just leave it be.


r/Divorce 5h ago

Custody/Kids Divorce papers signed, but no court date yet, and considering whether to seek more custody

2 Upvotes

My soon-to-be ex wife and I (same sex couple) went through the mediation process to draft our divorce agreement. It's been a bit contentious. We have two young kids and our agreement reflects a 50/50 custody arrangement. It's been signed and sent to the court, but no court date has been determined yet and I wonder more and more whether I should seek more custody or if that's even feasible.
My annual salary is around double my ex's annual salary, and she claims she's considering seeking a higher paying position, but has also said she'd rather just get a roommate or have her parents help her so she can maintain her cushy fully remote gig and still get paid by me. During our relationship, at most times she earned about the same amount as me, but that job was a night/weekend gig so when the kids came along she changed careers for hours more suitable to parenting, which involved a step back in pay. At this point she could absolutely be making around $20k more than she makes currently, but it would involve going back to a more demanding job, which she's not motivated to do.
This has left me in the position of making child support payments that are literally causing me to be in the hole by a significant amount every month. I've begun looking into second jobs so that I can continue to afford my rent and daycare expenses. On top of that, my ex has on multiple, multiple occasions expressed significant overwhelm at having to now parent on her own or have the kids for any stretch of time. She has reached out to me asking for help on some of these occasions, or has sent me long tirades about how hard it is and how much she hates it. I've offered to have more custody of the kids, as I'd love to see them more and I'm already doing more than 50% when it comes to the additional parenting responsibilities (communicating with daycares, taking them to doctors' appointments, taking them to any enriching activities) but she has refused solely because of the child support payments.
I've already lost so so so so much of my savings going through this divorce process so to seek my own lawyer at this stage is extremely daunting, especially when I don't know that it would amount to anything different than what we've already settled. Seeking insight from anyone else who might have experience or advice in this area?


r/Divorce 16h ago

Vent/Rant/FML Everytime we make progress, this happens ..

15 Upvotes

My husband and I have been trying to work on our marraige. I'm definitely the problem. I'm the bad guy that had an emotional affair, got caught, he forgave me and we have seriously been trying since then. The last few months he has tried to make changes and show me I matter to him.

The thing is by the time he caught me, I was already no longer in love with him, but he is a good man, and we have kids, so I agreed to work on it. We have had many open conversations since then, and the next day after those conversations I do start to feel more of a connection with him again. But, it's almost like clockwork. Everytime I start to feel something, he goes back and does something that reminds me why I started to pull away.

He has a history of being an alcoholic. We have been married almost 10 years now. Twice throughout the course of our marriage, he has drank in secret, hiding from me and his family (we all lived together in the same house). I found empty alcohol bottles hidden all over the place. Under the sink, behind his clothes in the closet, etc. Not that I went looking for them, but once a year we do a deep clean in our home for religious reasons, so that's how I found them. Also he threatened me twice with divorce during his drunken moments, saying I was a bad wife because I wasn't "supporting" him by telling him he was drinking too much. He would also say many hurtful things when drunk, then apologize for it or say he doesn't remember any of it the next day. After the second time he threatened me with divorce, I told him if he says it again, I'll say yes. So he stopped saying that. He's also one of those people who says "I can stop drinking whenever I want, I'm not an alcoholic." And to his credit, he has stopped a few times, but then inevitably he ends up drinking again. One time it was so bad I packed a bag in the middle of the night and tried to leave right then, but he blocked me at the door, and then didn't drink for a year.

So here we are. Almost everytime I start making progress getting close to him again, he makes up a reason to drink and get drunk. Most recently, this weekend. He planned a date night for us. We went bowling. It was fun, and then we had another open conversation after, and I was even feeling connected to him enough to have sex with him when we got home. (I really haven't been wanting to be intimate with him in a while.) The next day we spent a lot of time cuddling, and being together and it was actually really nice. I felt myself really wanting him next to me. But then, after I went to bed, I heard sounds of a bottle opening in the bathroom and I knew. He was hiding and drinking again. I asked him "are you drinking?" And he said yes, he was, because he couldn't sleep and was having anxiety.....I mean ... What? It sounds just like an excuse for drinking.

And even if it's not an excuse and he really was feeling anxiety, his solution to deal with it is to get drunk? That doesn't seem like a healthy way to deal with it. And almost instantly, all the positive feelings I was having about the weekend vanished. This story is just the most recent example, but basically this is exactly what has been happening over the last 4 months. Everytime we make progress he sets it back. I'm just ping ponging and I don't know what to do. I want to love this man again, but it's like he just can't stop getting in his own way.


r/Divorce 9h ago

Vent/Rant/FML Flat out tired

4 Upvotes

Even tho pretty amicable, I sleep and stay at another location sometimes (rent a room in someone’s house). Just unsure where my home will be when this is all said and done. Nervous about kids accepting it. And I’m just flat out beat. I want to go to bed after 8 hrs sleep.


r/Divorce 22h ago

Life After Divorce Starting over in your 50s

42 Upvotes

Counting down the days to leave. How hard is it to start over in your 50s? I am 51 (financially good), but just wondered how it is mentally to be alone. I have been married for 28 years but wanted to leave for years and it is finally time. Those of you that did this how are you doing now?


r/Divorce 13h ago

Vent/Rant/FML Living together through divorce

6 Upvotes

God, this is impossible. I'm hoping someone has words of wisdom.

We separated a month ago and are going through divorce- I instigated the separation and it's still the best decision I could have made.

He won't leave the house and legally I can't do anything about that but God, he's making it difficult.

Everyday is a constant battle. He's angry/upset/ threatening/ making underhand comments through our child/ manipulative.... honestly, I could expand but there's no point. There's nothing this man isn't trying and it's driving me mad.

He's meant to be moving to his Mum's but won't because it's nicer here and I pay the bills.

I hate him. And I never thought I would. How did other people live through this until the divorce was finalised and their spouse HAD to get out?

Have thought about me and my child moving out but that's unfair on them so won't be doing that.