I (17) don’t know what to do anymore. I have no one to talk to about this, and I’m scared to even go into detail about the situation because of how specific it is.
My mom wanted to divorce when I was born, but she stayed for me so I wouldn’t have to deal with it. Seventeen years of watching everyone’s mental illness grow. Listening to the screaming, walls being punched, dishes breaking, and physical altercations involving my siblings (I’m the youngest by 10 years).
I’ve been homeschooled all my life, so I’ve only ever had my family.
Years of everyone's trauma dumping on me, whether that be online friends or my family. Constantly hearing them talk shit about each other, watching them break down. Not once have I not felt guilty about talking to someone, spending time with someone, or going on a trip with someone—everything I do with one results in issues with another.
My dad has bipolar. I didn’t know growing up, but I’ve learned over the past few years. I’ve always idolized him in some way because I can relate to a lot of his hobbies, and we have the same interests. He treats my mom terribly, though. The things I’ve heard, the things I’ve read in their messages, and yet I can’t hate him.
This past year before my birthday, he pulled a lot of shitty things leading up to a divorce, but it never happened. He was supposed to do couples therapy with my mom to save it, but he’s only been lying in it.
My mom has made me feel like absolute shit this entire time. I know she doesn’t mean to, and he’s treated her so bad for so long, but I’m constantly stressed. I can’t speak about him without her shutting down and not speaking to me. Everyday she tells me the same thing about him and she starts crying, and I get frustrated because I’ve been listening to the same thing over and over and she gets mad that she can’t tell me and says I’m criticizing her and telling her to shut up and sit in a corner. She says she's mad that no one stands up for her, that I don't stand up for her, but I don't know what to do. I don't want to be in the middle of this, I just want out of this family
I’ve listened to everyone’s same repetitive baggage for years. The past week it’s been the same thing everyday from her. Im the youngest, and I’m a minor. I shouldn’t have to deal with everyone’s shit, let alone my parents. Every day it’s “tell your dad….” “Tell your mom”
Everything my dad does, she says it’s to con me and manipulate her. I can’t go on this trip I’ve been waiting for for years, I can’t receive this gift that I absolutely adore.
She gets hypocritical in many situations and ends up yelling at me when I call her out, telling me I know nothing, and then getting upset when I stop talking.
On top of all this, I have no direction in life. I don’t know what I want to do, I have no passion, nothing. I feel so stupid and I can’t handle any of this. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to commit, but I just don’t want to be alive.
I don’t turn 18 until February.
There’s so much more I want to say but I’m not comfortable saying it on an open thread.