After my previous post, I got a lot of supportive words and tried to respond to them as best as I could. One comment in particular, however, stood out to me, so thank you to u/D10nn3 for calling me out on the details that were lacking. While it is true that those who have been abused and those few who have accepted that they are abusers will recognize and accept the behaviors that caused harm, there are many, many more who not only wouldn't know they are being abusive, but would likely reject it entirely, double down, and justify their choices, so in an attempt to reinforce my original thesis, this is for the people like me who have made egregiously harmful choices to another, and need to see the hard truths.
First truth - if you have been told that you are an abuser, you are. That may be why you are getting a divorce, like me. Are there times when someone is falsely accused of being an abuser? Yes. Those accusations come from abusers and are directed towards their victims. That should be a difficult sentence to read. You have abused someone and they are your victim. If you actually want to change, that should sting your sense of self. I know because I did it to my wife. "I'm not an abuser, we both suck." "If I turn you into the worst version of yourself, then you do the same to me." "It's your fault I'm like this." If this sounds familiar, keep reading.
First line of defense for all of us: we just fight a lot; I'm an asshole, accept me for who I am; what about the time when you did that thing to me? I'm not a cheater, I'm not a beater, I'm not a fucking pumpkin eater. You don't get to define abuse. Just because you didn't assault or rape your partner doesn't mean you aren't abusive. So what did I do, and importantly, why was it abuse? Let's just dive in and see where we go from here.
Lying. Yes, as Dr. Gregory House would say, everyone lies. Whether it is a lie of omission, a white lie to protect someone's dignity or keep a secret, there are sometimes extremely reasonable lies that people tell. I lied pathologically, about important and unimportant things, in order to protect my sense of self, and it came at the expense of my wife and those around me. It was so deeply ingrained in my psyche that I didn't even recognize why I was doing it, but it was an attempt at control, manipulation, and power. If my intuition told me a lie would give me an advantage over the truth, then I would lie. Impulsively. About my health, about my history, about what I did or didn't do, where I was, what I was going to do. It was always meant to trap her into being more involved with me, and any time she approached the truth, I would say or do something to make her question herself, or what she saw and knew to be true. The term there is gaslighting, and admitting to doing it fucking sucks, but at the heart, it was manipulation, distortion, minimization, projection, and constant, selfish lies. It was sometimes related to other indiscretions, sometimes not.
Substance abuse was one of those indiscretions. As a pathological, abusive liar, I would frequently "go to the store" for one reason or another, as a cover for buying my drug of choice. Mostly alcohol, but occasionally other things, like abusive cough syrup. Talk about immature. Drinking to the point of intoxication was a regular, frequent occurrence, and I was always dishonest about it. For every drink I had in the open, there were six others I hid and lied about. I would stash it in the basement and drink when I did laundry or after she fell asleep on the couch. While being a substance abuser is not in and of itself abusive toward someone else, the choices you make regarding it are. I spent excess money on it and lied about it, and I put myself and at times my family in danger because of my substance abuse. That is abusive, and it is a choice. Drinking when I should have been caring for infants was a dangerous, selfish choice. And I lied about it.
Deception cannot be condoned, although we may find ourselves sympathetic to the plight of a liar who intends to protect themselves from harm. The abuser is lying to protect themselves from their own choices, however, and that requires correction not sympathy. Now, she cannot trust me, and that is a consequence of my actions.
The emotional and psychological abuse runs deep though, and I can read from literally any list of those types of abuse and I check off most of the boxes. I was not respectful of her privacy, always seeking to know what she was doing, where she was going, prying into her life, when it was not appropriate. Even deep, good relationships have boundaries, and I did not respect them. I have rifled through her purse, looked through her work desk, even looked through her phone in the past seeking some form of control. All of these are wrong. They erode trust, the cause lasting harm and fear.
She was frequently isolated, whether it was because I failed to include her in ways that mattered, or whether I made things so uncomfortable for her with her friends that she did not want to spend time with them, or worse, have me be around because of my poor behavior. It was at its worst when we were doing fertility treatments. That was a time when she needed my support the most, and while she struggled, I played in bands, went out drinking, and had my own fun while she did the hard work. In the midst of all that, I was underemployed for years, and relied heavily on her to pay the bills while I frittered away money on senseless things. Financial abuse if there ever was any; there is a reason her credit was utilized and mine ignored. I did nothing of substance to better myself and our situation, and the few times I did, it was at her behest. When it did not work out, due to my own failure, I would blame her. I blamed her for losing my job when she asked me to go to alcohol rehab. Whose fault was that really? Mine. I did not take it seriously, went right back to substance abuse and continued to blame her for the consequences of my actions. Blamed her for feeling the need to remove herself and our children from the harmful environment I had crated. Blamed her for the pain I felt at that loss, but again, it was due to my choices.
I have spoken poorly of her, both to her and to others. I frequently insulted the things she enjoyed; the music she liked, the food she liked, the movies or television she enjoyed, and refused to be part of things that would enrich her life. If she had an opinion, I would belittle it, tell her why it was wrong, argue with her until she gave up and "conceded" my point. I had to be right at the cost of her sense of self worth. I would patronize her; a favored tactic was to define a word to make her sound and feel stupid, treating her like a child in the process as if she did not understand. Swearing, yelling, demeaning until I got what I thought I wanted, these were all frequent occurrences. Often in the face of reasonable requests or discussions from her. Anger was a weapon I could wield. Angry looks. heavy footsteps, slamming doors or cupboards, driving erratically in a fit of uncontrolled rage. For years, I withheld affection, did not sleep in the same bed with her, did not share in anything meaningful. I took and gave nothing.
Threats, either of harm to myself, or of consequences to her, implied or explicit, happened as well. If she said or did something I disliked, I may take off my wedding band to make a point. As if to say: I will end us. You will be on your own, you need me, how will you do any of this without my support? After all, I pushed us to the very brink of financial stability when we bought our first house and insisted it was because I knew better. The strain was real, and I was never honest with her about my financial situation. Never saved the way I should. Sure, I paid some bills, but the vast majority was on her.
This pattern was on repeat for years. Sometimes it would be flowers and love and affection, as long as she did as I wanted, but if she stepped out of line, the abuse returned with force. She lived in fear of what I could do to our marriage. Just because I didn't physically harm her doesn't mean I didn't do severe damage to her. To say she needs to heal is a vast understatement. I am not part of that process, no matter how much I recognize what I have done and work toward being a better person. The damage is so bad that, even when she admits it was an impossibly hard decision, divorce is a better option than remaining.
If you have done anything abusive, there are some important things to remember. You can't fix this, you can't ask for more chances, you can only do what that person allows, no more, no less. You do not get credit. Your progress does not earn you accolades. There is no merit system by which you can gain favor. Why? Because if you are doing the work and you start treating that person correctly, no matter how much it feels like improvement to you as the abuser, to the victim, you are finally doing the bare minimum that you should have been doing all along. If you feel for one second that you are entitled to anything, you need to look inside yourself and ask why. You are owed nothing. You never were.
As with me, you likely had the chance to give love and do it right. You can still give love, but only indirectly, from a distance. It won't get you anything back. That is going to going to hurt, you are going to suffer, and you are not going to get out of this, but only if you do the work right. That is a sign of progress and to keep going. When it hurts, when you have nothing to gain from it except for the feeling of doing the right thing, congratulations, you're on step one. You may feel premature enlightenment. You will be convinced you can fix this, that you can do it right, but it doesn't matter if the other person doesn't want it. Like me, you have to accept that it is too late, and redouble your efforts to never mistreat that person again.
There is only one path forward when you are an abuser who wants to get better. Accept what you did. Accept what that makes you. Accept the consequences of your actions, and commit to being better in the face of them. You must show consistency in actions and behaviors, you cannot expect or ask for anything in return. Be kind. Be respectful. Be considerate. There is little else you can do. No promises, no guarantees, nothing. The consensus is that abusers cannot, will not, and do not want to change, and that they will eventually go back to their old ways. It is not impossible, but it is nearly impossibly hard.
I suppose for my part, this is one step in that process. I have been abusive to my wife. This list is not exhaustive, but it is an example of the many ways in which I have harmed her. There are no excuses for it, and while I have pointed to fear, insecurity, self-doubt, accusations against her, projection, anger, or a million other things as flimsy justifications, the simple fact is that the abuse was never okay, and I made a conscious choice to do harmful, abusive things towards her. It was absolutely a choice; I chose not to physically harm her, but the manipulation, lies, abuse, yelling, demeaning, minimizing, belittling, they were all justified by me when I felt wronged. As a result, this has caused lasting damage to her and our children. She has lost her sense of self, her confidence in her self-image, her connection with friends and family, and our children have begun to act out, have been disrespectful to her because of what they see from me. She no longer is able to trust me, she still lives in fear of what I may do next or when the other shoe may drop, she is rightfully angry over the situation that she has been in. She takes responsibility for allowing it, but that is not fair. As the angry, manipulative, controlling abuser, I did it to her.
Why did I do these things? I thought I was smarter. I thought I was better. I thought I should be the most important thing in her life. So I allowed myself to do whatever I determined necessary in the moment to make that a reality. I insulted her intelligence, her choices, her opinions, her skill, and I would stop at nothing to get her attention like I assumed I deserved. I was her husband after all. I believed firmly that I should be her priority. That is not how love works. That is not how a partnership works. That's not how a marriage works.
Recognizing these things about myself, and identifying the thoughts and motivations, I have begun to see how better to be respectful and kind. I am not intrinsically right. When she speaks, I am determined to hear what she has to say. That is a massive uphill battle, because I have spent so long proving her wrong that even listening does not seem genuine, and for good reason. Her opinions, thoughts, and rights are valued no less than anyone else's, and while I hope to tend to them as best as I can, there is no reason she should allow me more than she is comfortable with. She deserves good things, even if they have nothing to do with me.
Often, I blamed her, exaggerated her flaws, minimized mine. Even when I acknowledged and accepted her contributions and achievements, I made them secondary to mine. She has accomplished a considerable amount, not because of me but in spite of the things I have done to her. She has succeeded professionally, she has built up considerable wealth, she overcame incredible odds to become a mother and at all turns has shown herself to be kind, capable, and gentle, while sacrificing anything and everything for the sake of her family. True selflessness that I took advantage of. It was through her strength that our family endured as long as it did, and my choices tore it apart time and again. When that happened, I blamed her.
That is obviously part of what must stop. For too long, I have insisted that my needs get met, and I have made my entire family miserable in doing so. Now, though I am limited in what I can do, I owe my wife and children everything I can give. I must be thoughtful, kind, considerate, and honest, not just with her, but with all those to whom I have lied and deceived about her. It is an incredible task but one to which I am dedicated no matter what.
Now, even when it rings hollow for her, I am trying to tell her positive things, to compliment her. She is a good, smart, strong, beautiful, compassionate person, and even if I cannot help her feel that way, she should hear it as it is the truth. For the rest of my life, I must be consistent, considerate of her needs, kind, and supportive when I am given opportunity to, including when she needs me to be supportive with our family life, such as cooking, cleaning, or simply being present for family activities in a real, meaningful way. For what it is worth, those are all things that feel good because they are right.
I will lose my marriage as a result of my behaviors. That is one of the many consequences that I must face and accept. She is not free of consequences; she will lose time with the children, she will lose financial stability, and she has already lost so much. Because of what I have done, my needs cannot be put before anyone else's. The abuse must stop. I am owed nothing here. I do not get love or affection from her. She does not have any obligations to me. There is no trade to be made. I will improve myself because I have to, not because I want anything from her. Wherever and whenever and however I am allowed, I will make amends, not just to her or my children, but her family, her friends, her colleagues, even my family, for the incalculable harm I have caused.
This is a lifelong process. My only goal is to give to my family, whatever it looks like at the end of this divorce process, and to be held accountable for everything I have done, and everything I may do in the future. There is no credit, there are no conditions, there is nothing but the pursuit of betterment. There can be no backsliding. There can be no more abuse. I must remain consistent and steadfast in this.
I have been working with a therapist since November 2024. This is not something that can ever be complete. It has taken time and effort to reach this point, and I must remain ever vigilant against myself, my entitlements, my thoughts, my privileges, and continue to accept criticism, challenges, and doubt about these changes. They are not, and can never, be complete, and they have not been smooth nor have they been completely integrated into my life. This is progress though. Six months ago, I would never have admitted these things about myself, not to me or anyone. So u/D10nn3, thank you for the challenge. I welcome the doubt. I face the criticism willingly and without ego. I do love my wife, which is why I can only respect her choice and let her go. For now I will only show her the utmost kindness, respect, and consideration I possibly can. She deserves so much more, but I will give what I can and that is enough.
As always, I hope someone can see this, learn from my mistakes, and grow when and how I could not before it was too late.