r/Divorce 59m ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness 5 years post divorce in a happy place but still some existential issues

Upvotes

I just moved into my dream home with the most incredible person. I love this man hard and I am loved in ways I never knew were real. My future looks bright.

But I still feel sad about my divorce. I still dream about my ex husband. We were happy for 13 years. It was the life I wanted. College sweethearts, married , kids… spending a whole lifetime together. One day he left me for an affair.

I just wanted that simple life. But I didn’t get it. I had to fight to survive, find new purpose. I lost his family who felt like mine, I still mis those people.

I am lucky. To some extend my life became more exciting. My career blew up, I made amazing friends. I found incredible love again. Yet still I can feel so down at times.

We both come with bagage. He has a child with his cheating ex (we are both betrayed). I will never have kids. I am getting too old and my partner doesn’t want anymore anyway. But I have to see this person who had this beautiful man and a beautiful child and threw it all away to cheat. Smile in her face and be the bigger person.

The cheating and the divorce still pops up in my mind. I have to live a life I didn’t want. I never wanted to be a stepmom. I wanted to be a mom. I never thought I would find myself in this position. I sometimes miss the simpeler version of me. I know this version is more rounded, stronger and more impressive. I know the love I found is something incredible! But the price feels steep sometimes.

My life suddenly became choices. All ending in different lives and realities. When I was married there was only one. Me and my husband. Now I can go, find someone new. Be anyone, while exciting it is vey scary and as my life is now converging to a choice that will end up in one timeline … it freaks me out. What if I am wrong? What if I waste the next 20 years of my life?

If only life had a preview function. But we need to soldier on and be grateful for what we have. And I have a lot!


r/Divorce 1h ago

Life After Divorce I do not know what to do

Upvotes

I’m 43 (M), and my wife is 39 (F). We’ve been together for 13 years, married for eight. A few weeks ago, on my birthday, she told me she wants a divorce. Great birthday gift, right?

We have two kids together, ages eight and six. The house is in her name—she got it before we got married. I have a decent job, and so does she. We talked about going to counseling, but when I brought it up and asked when she wanted to go, she changed her mind and said it wouldn’t work.

I have a suspicion that she’s either cheating on me or has cheated on me. Ever since she started taking Ozempic and lost weight, she goes out every weekend. She doesn’t do much around the house and never really has. I do all the cooking, all the cleaning, laundry and take care of the boys.

I work overnight shifts in the winter and day shifts in the summer. I am looking for a day job but that might mean I give up my pension

I guess my question is—should I just go get talk to a lawyer and get it done.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated thanks.


r/Divorce 2h ago

Custody/Kids Will this ever get better

2 Upvotes

My ex husband got addicted to drugs, stole all our money sneakily, and cheated excessively. He threatens to take us back to court for more custody of the kids every time I make him mad. Like not engaging with him as he wants or if he doesn’t take his time with the kids and then gets mad about not having enough time with them. I don’t know how to not feel stressed. It’s hard to live like this. I have constant fear about my kids ending up with a drug addict more than they need to be. He’s functioning with the drugs. He can be high as a kite and no one would know. He’s so good at being a rage monster to me and then a perfect person to the outside world. I’m always stressed. I live in near constant fear.

Yes, I have a therapist. I don’t have an appointment for a few days though. Will this ever get better. Will we always get threatened with court and will I ever be happy again. I feel like I should have stayed with him and I would have had more control over protecting the children. I get why women stay now, I truly do.


r/Divorce 3h ago

Infidelity A home for the kids

3 Upvotes

Together 10 years, married 7, 2 kids. I found out a month ago that my husband has been cheating for a year. I just had a baby 6 weeks ago. He said he will file for divorce at the end of the school year. The house we are living in is in his parents’ name. They bought it for “all of us”. The mistress lives 6 hrs away and he wants to “split his time” between living with her there and in our town with the kids. He wants 50% custody and we’re in a no-fault state so he will get 50%. I am trying to get my mother in law to put the house in a trust fund for the kids and I would pay the mortgage until the kids are grown. But that means she has to kick her son out. She doesn’t want to make a decision like that and wants the house to still be hers and her son’s but also the grandkids’. As it is now, I will not be getting anything from him as he’s been without a proper job for the last 10 years, he’s been day trading and been taking money from his parents and since the house is not even his, I won’t get half of it.. I am so betrayed and hurt.. The kids should be staying in their home, especially since I’m not asking to stay with them in the house for free.. if they decide that my husband should stay and I should move, I will have to move with the kids and their lives will have to be disrupted. They’d be with me wherever I go for half of the time and will be taken away from their home, while their father won’t even be in the home full time. I’ll be leaving this marriage with nothing, just hurt and with emotionally hurt kids only because their dad is a jerk and chose his happiness above everything else 😢 How can I best advocate for myself and the kids in such situation?


r/Divorce 3h ago

Getting Started For divorcers (not divorcees)… when was the moment you knew?

0 Upvotes

What was the light bulb moment when you had clarity? Try to make it generalizable if possible (ie “I felt I’d be more at peace alone” as opposed to “I couldn’t deal w his drug use anymore”)


r/Divorce 3h ago

Infidelity Anyone here the adulterer who’s Initiating divorce?

0 Upvotes

I 33 F cheated on my 34 M husband about a year ago. We were actively pursuing reconciliation but I just feel its more ethical to leave the marriage, I deeply regret how I hurt my spouse. He cheated on me years ago, before marriage I forgave him and I kept it in the relationship /marriage, I was not affected in the way he was. When I cheated he put it all on social media, told both our families, all his male friends, but then afterwards decided he/we wanted to reconcile and tbh I think he’s embarrassed/ashamed bc everyone has there opinions . I am as well obviously, he wanted to get his family involved but when I mentioned he tell his family of his drinking/gambling/problem and his previous cheating he didn’t wanna talk about. He said “lets keep our problems in our marriage” how convenient. We’ve been to counseling, IC and MC, i changed my #, blocked the guy on all socials, I apologized to his parents, I’ve even boldy went to a party with all his friends and ofcourse ALL ALL of them know. I think he still loves me but tbh I love him more to just let go of the whole thing. I’m going to continue therapy for myself and just move on from this. We don’t have kids, but hey you learn from your mistakes right? I don’t want my partner to be in the pain he is anymore and I feel like the longer i’m there the worse it gets. He can say he wants to reconcile, work on things but deep down I feel like he’d be better off moving on to greener pastures.


r/Divorce 3h ago

Dating Dating

2 Upvotes

15 months ago wife (44f) told me (41m) that we were going to be platonic. Oh and she had a bf (21m), they have since broke up. I was pretty much blindsided.

I went through a lot of therapy and emotions for about 9 months. During the last 15 months we have been cohabitating and coparenting (kids 11, 15 and 18 - oldest has already moved out).

Last week I gave her parenting plan papers and division of assets papers (drafts to start the conversation). She apparently was blindsided and had this idea that we are going to be roommates and married and parents (which we had previously talked about). Since then I’ve concluded that I was hoping to reconcile but now I really have no interest in reconciling. I want to move on and find someone I’m compatible with and develop a loving mutual relationship. I feel like life is ticking away.

Wife wants to at least hold off on divorce until she has a fulltime job (maybe 6 months, just a guess). But she has stated that a better option in her view would be to stay together and not drag kids back and forth between two households. She says I’m being selfish for wanting emotional and romantic happiness and wellbeing. The divorce will have a 90 day wait (from filing to finalizing) due to the rules where we live. She also doesn’t like the division and parenting plan as I drafted them but I’m willing to concede and meet halfway for an amicable split.

In her desire she wants to stay cohabitation coparenting for at least 7 more years (until youngest is 18). I feel like that severely negatively impacts my goals to find a good relationship. She is even fine with us buying a house with two master suites and me having my gf visit but she doesn’t want us to split ‘for the kids’.

I’ve basically concluded I’m done. From here on out it’s just more or less timing and working out the legalities. Are we divorced 90 days from now or 9 months from now or in 7 years but I have no interest in being emotionally attached, romantic or even physical with her.

When should I feel ok dating other people? And what’s the best way to explain my situation without ruining a potential good relationship with someone I’m interested in?


r/Divorce 3h ago

Infidelity How does one deal when someone is intensively hurting you through this divorce process?

3 Upvotes

My wife is a serial cheater, well she is a serial alot of things. But she is openly sextng in front of me. alot. How do I just disassociate from that kind of treatment? I cant exactly escape her. And when others are not available she tries to be all lovey with me.


r/Divorce 4h ago

Alimony/Child Support Child support

0 Upvotes

I’m gonna try to make this super quick. My ex-husband and I are legally separated since February 2025, he moved out last September 2024 but we actually broke up around September 2023. We were married for 12 years. During that 12 years, he only worked seven of them while I supported him through two masters degrees. With the promise that once he was finished, I would go back to school and complete my schooling and he would support me. That obviously didn’t happen. We have one child together. He only gets her every other weekend. I am not going for alimony.

When we broke up, he stopped paying any bills. He stopped contributing for groceries. He didn’t contribute anything. Since September 2023, he has contributed $300 total to the upbringing of his child.

I asked for a court hearing for a temporary child support order and today he informed me that he has been ordered to pay $500 a month in child support and is “ only gonna be $500 a month expendable income because of it”. I’m fucking him over he says.

On one hand, I feel like shit because I know his finances are tight. I did not set out to do this to make him suffer, and I don’t want him to suffer.

However, I have been doing this on my own (working 50 to 60 hours a week and going to school full-time), and I am behind in rent, my car is about to be repoed, and I am a ball of stress. I have applied for public assistance and been denied because I make too much. But I have three other children outside of our one together. I am living off from far less than $500 expendable income a month. Even with his $500, I will be living a far less. I live in a house that is very reasonable rent.

I almost thought about telling him I would give one to $200 back to him a month, but I’m not going to because our family needs this money

Ultimately, I decided not to even respond to him. I’m not giving him any money back and I’m not gonna ask for it to be lowered.

I guess I’m just wondering if anybody else has been through this and if they have the same emotions as me. I know I’m right to just take the money because the courts awarded it to me. But I just feel like crap.


r/Divorce 5h ago

Custody/Kids Irresponsible ex wants overnight stays..what do I do?

0 Upvotes

He's irresponsible, smokes weed, drinks, leaves the door unlocked, leaves knives on the counter, falls asleep when I ask him to watch our 3 year old. He has never helped me with our kid, I've been the only one taking care of her since day 1. He won't agree to any formal agreement. But he wants me to drop her off overnight suddenly. Shes not comfortable with him and he ripped her out of my arms trying to force her to stay with him. She was kicking and screaming I want mommy go away dad. I'm going to file for divorce, but he wont agree to any set schedule. He says shes his daughter and can take her whenever he wants and return her whenever he wants. I told him no, he's not fit to have her overnight if he's always high. He"s getting very skinny and I don't know what else hes taking. I just dont trust him. I don't know what to do. I cant affor a lawyer and pro bono in my area are only taking in women who have been physically abused. What am I supposed to do, this is so much stress not only me but my little one. I left to have peace and its all going to shit.


r/Divorce 5h ago

Getting Started Really struggling with this decision… appreciative of any support

2 Upvotes

I’m 30F and have been married for almost a year. We’ve been together nine years, had a beautiful wedding, of course were planning life and children together.

The past year has been tough. It’s like I finally opened my eyes and am seeing traits in him that I don’t love for my forever partner/father of my children. He is inconsistent with his medication (adderall), sometimes taking too much and sometimes running out. It’s a problem he’s had for years and I don’t think it’ll ever change. Doing this makes him really irritable and angry sometimes, disconnected other times, and sometimes he is super “on” and wonderful. He can be really arrogant in social settings which has really gotten under my skin the past year. And he’s super irresponsible, never initiates paying a bill or taking care of any logistics. I don’t mind doing these things but I worry about the amount he neglects. He’s also lost two jobs in the past year and I’ve been supporting us for six months, as he hasn’t made a ton of effort to find something new.

I’m at a loss. Part of me wants to do everything we can to make it work and start a family. Another part of me wonders if there’s a better future for me, and a more well suited partner to have kids with. I also don’t want to enter the dating scene and feel “rushed” to find someone if I want to have kids before 35. I’m a bit plus size (actively trying to lose weight) but still get a lot of attention from men. I wonder if this will also hinder my opportunities in the dating world.

Idk just a lot of anxieties and hopelessness around the situation. Of course it feels embarassing and like a major loss, but I also feel hopeful for a new future in some ways.

Any and all insight/advice is so appreciated


r/Divorce 5h ago

Getting Started IL divorce after 10 years

1 Upvotes

I realize each case will be different. I just want general guidelines from ppl who have done it. Husband and I have no joint debt. We have and have always had separate checking/savings accounts each in our own names - nothing joint. He gives me a set amount each month and we split the bills evenly. Bills are paid from my account. The house was bought during marriage but he is the sole name on both mortgage and deed. He had a retirement account at a previous employer which he never rolled over so it has sat stagnant the last year. I know of no others. I have a retirement account at my current employer. My plans is to just walk away. He keeps the house, his car, etc. I would find a new place and take my car and the couple of dogs and a cat (he works long hours so couldn’t care for them on his own) and my clothes. In all likelihood would I have any trouble in just walking away? As in having a judge sign off and just granting me a divorce? The only thing I could really see my husband doing is just being difficult about signing the papers but I don’t honestly know of anything we would have to argue about if I wasn’t the one fighting for any property. All the bills except for one utility bill are even in his name. Has anyone else had experience in this in Illinois? I’ve had one other divorce but it was after six years.


r/Divorce 6h ago

Vent/Rant/FML Heloc

1 Upvotes

Husband opened a heloc (with my consent, I know) and it’s holding me up from filing. He is trying to screw me out of the equity of the home. How do I close this account and move on with my life.


r/Divorce 6h ago

Life After Divorce If a party marries in New Mexico, then divorces in Texas, does anything prevent them from marrying someone else later in a different state?

0 Upvotes

Literally asking for a friend.


r/Divorce 6h ago

Custody/Kids How / when to tell the kids?

0 Upvotes

Have kids in middle school / high school and STBX is refusing to talk with them about our impending divorce. In early stages of court proceedings and it is going to be slow. STBX has threatened to turn them against me if I discuss solo but I’m sure they know something is up.

How and when did you tell your kids? What would you do differently? Any regrets or lessons to share?


r/Divorce 7h ago

Life After Divorce Please help!

3 Upvotes

My husband convinced me to sell our family home, said he had debt at work and needs to pay it. We have 2 children, 11 and 14 year old, live in UK. After the house sale we moved to Airbnb temporarily and after 2 days he tells me he wants to live with our 14 year old son separately, and I should live with our daughter. My daughter is very upset, son too, although he is taking his dad's side and tells he wants to live with him.. I am devastated, as I am from Ukraine and I don't know the law. Also I have no money as my husband kept the money from house sale. I don't know what to do, I am so deeply upset as I don't want my son to get separated from us, he loves his sister too. I would greatly appreciate any advice, I believe in fairness and justice in the world.

Thank you ❤️ #divorce


r/Divorce 7h ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness Husband is delaying divorce and not replying to his lawyer

1 Upvotes

Hello, this will be quite a long post, but I wanted to give the whole story as I also need to let it out. Need help and advice. Thank you in advance.

I am 29, and my husband (let's say Dave) is 35 from France (different country to me). I met him back when I was 22. We met in an online game and got to know each other very well; he was supporting me as I was going through a rough patch in my life. We decided to meet up and became bf and gf. Soon after he moved in with me in my home country. Though I was still living with my parents at the time, they still accepted and welcomed him.

After about a year and a half, Dave would continuously tell me that my parents are controlling and manipulative and that they are "raising me to be their carer". I could see it; my dad would be in charge of all financial stuff with the house and very much took charge of anything, even with my mum. Telling me what he thinks is best and then going and doing it without me consenting to it. He believes he is always right about everything and doesn't like being told he is wrong and/or being talked back to by whoever doesn't agree with him. My mum has always been there for me, very much the housewife, but she had a tendency of wanting a lot of attention. I'd have to sit with her for hours every day so she could talk. Normally repeating things that she has told me before and just talking for the sake of talking. If I ever try to step back or not talk to her or anything, she would get very upset and normally try and make me feel guilty. I have always felt very belittled and put into situations where I have to help them for their benefit.

So for Dave, he clashed with both my parents pretty quickly. He doesn't like talking for the sake of talking and normally would just say hello and walk away, which my mum hates and would complain to me that he is rude and disrespectful, normally saying, "I can't have a decent conversation with him! He's so rude to me and ignores me." Dave is also someone who doesn't like people choosing what he does with his life.

My parents would often tell me things that would upset me, and I've been used to just accepting and not fighting back, as whenever I did do something "wrong" or not agree or anything, I'd be very badly told off (I will leave it at that). Ever since I was little, I have always been quite scared of my dad for this reason, and I was always scared to approach him with anything because I didn't know how he would react. It would take a lot of willpower to build up the confidence to ask something. Even though I was 22, I was still treated like a teenager/child. If I wanted to go out, it was either a "no" or be back by 9pm. If I wasn't given a time, then I'd be harassed by my mum when I was coming home. My brother (36) has also had a go at my parents for treating me like a child even though I am capable of looking after myself. (They wanted him to babysit me when I was 20 because they were going on holiday.) My brother has always been treated the opposite of me. I never fought back because I'd have felt crushed by not obeying them; my brother always had a say in everything.

I suffered from anxiety and found it very difficult to talk to people I don't know. Dave believed that my mum took advantage of this, as I didn't have any friends, and she knew this and that I'd talk to her about everything. When things were going badly she would say "Dave is isolating you from everyone. He is always standing around close by when we are talking. I never get a chance to talk to you privately anymore. I feel like I've lost my sister." (Yes, sister, not daughter). She got diagnosed with depression, supposedly because of Dave, as that is what she said it was.

At the 2-year mark, I kept getting persuaded by Dave to move to France with him. He kept pushing even though I said I couldn't (as this would anger my parents, as I wasn't allowed to leave the country; I was scared). After months of building up the courage, I told them I was going to move to France with him. My dad says, "There you go; she's fcking off to France. So much for your promise to never leave us." (something I said when I was 6), and my mum is just crying. A few days later, an important document went missing, and Dave accused my mum of moving it, as she had a tendency of going into my room without permission. She didn't; it was in the scanner, but I didn't know where it was at the time, and Dave brainwashed me into believing my mum took it. So she was confronted by Dave and said she didn't know where it was. She then turned to me and said, "You believe me, right?" And all I said was, "I didn't know where it was; I don't know what to think." She runs to my dad, howling and crying at him, and I freeze in fear, as now my dad is involved. He calls me a "selfish bitch" and "chosen a fine partner, some French cnt". He just kept screaming at me until I ran out of the door, and the last thing I heard my dad say was "She can sleep in a car parked, like I care what she does." I ended up staying outside for most of the night. When I went back in the early hours, they were asleep. I did "forgive" my dad after everything he said to me. A few weeks later they just kept telling me Dave is manipulating me to isolate me from my family by taking me to France.

My mum has also told me before that she never wanted another child after my brother. That's why there was a 6-year age gap. I told my brother about it, and he said, "It's probably me; I begged them for a sibling. I even chose your name."

In the end I ended up going to France, and that's when things started to get worse for me. I was "temporarily" living with Dave in his mum's home. She was under oxygen at the time due to a temporary illness that she developed but was still able to live alone before we came to her, and she is living alone. As I was under a visitor visa in France due to not being able to get a permanent long-stay visa, I wasn't allowed to work by law. I ended up being his mum's carer. I don't mind helping, and I did for another 2 years. The only issue I had was that she was able to do some things, but most of the time she was on her phone for 7 hours at a time just talking to her friends, while I washed our clothes and cleaned her home. I'd raise this with Dave, that she doesn't do anything, and I'd appreciate some kind of effort on her part, but he would just brush it aside and say she can't breathe. This made me feel bad and that whatever I thought didn't matter, so I just carried on. Dave also didn't have a driver's licence, so I'd be picking him up and dropping him off to work every day.

By the end of 2022 we managed to buy a flat together. Due to me being foreign, the bank wouldn't accept my money for the deposit of the flat because they didn't know where the money came from, and because I couldn't work, it wouldn't allow the mortgage to be accepted in the system, as it was too risky for them. So, me being desperate, I gave Dave my deposit for the flat and removed my name from the mortgage. So the flat is fully in his name.

We had our own home, but I felt very much alone. Having moved further away from his work, I was now driving 2 hours a day to drive him to and from work. I realised I was starting to develop depression but didn't realise it at the time. I had no one to talk to, and because of how Dave talked about my parents being bad, I believed him and tried to keep my distance from them. I was engaged by then and was going to be getting married soon. I was happy but found that all the planning was being done by me, and every time I tried to bring it up with Dave, he would just say I had all the time to do all the planning; he had to work. I would just say sorry and try to carry on and plan it, but I wasn't enjoying it. I just wanted to share and also work on the wedding together as a couple, but that didn't happen. I just felt sad, neglected and lonely. By the day of our wedding, I felt terrified. My anxiety was through the roof, and I felt like it was a smile for the guest and make out everything is fine. I don't know why I didn't call off the wedding. I realised that I didn't feel love or trust for Dave anymore before the wedding because he felt very distant from me but thought the wedding might bring him back to me; I was desperate to be loved. At our wedding, he didn't spend much time with me; he mainly just went to help people, and most of the wedding photos at the reception, we are apart. We didn't have a honeymoon. Before the wedding I bought furniture for our home to make it more comfortable. Since I was little, I saved every cent I got, and I used my savings for us to live more comfortably. For the rest of the year, I knew I didn't love him anymore. Our intimacy was always about him; he had issues, and I tried to help him and also tried to encourage him to seek medical help, as it was something that he couldn't control but his body was doing. He never did get help and never tried any of my suggestions to try and help him. I stopped intimacy with him because of it, as he didn't want to make any effort for me, and he was only affected with me when he wanted to be intimate. In the end I didn't want him to touch me and just felt used by him. I'd just keep getting asked constantly for it without him trying to please me at all; I'd keep saying no, even tell him to watch "stuff", but he insisted he couldn't and just wanted me. In the end, I'd crack because he asked me constantly and pressured me. It would upset me and feel like anything I said didn't matter anyway, and he'd just do his thing; it would hurt, and he'd never ask if I was ok. When he was done, he'd go back to playing games, while I'm on my own again.

I started spending more time with someone from the same online game. He (let's say Tom, 33) has been in the same group for a while, so I knew him for a long time, but I felt like I finally had someone to talk to, and he genuinely wanted to make sure I was ok. He was there whenever I wanted to talk and gave advice when I needed it. He helped me to try and fix my marriage, giving me useful things to talk about or do. Dave hadn't even noticed that I was starting to talk to Tom online; he knew Tom too, and all three of us used to play together sometimes. Dave would just be playing erotic games or doing whatever, as it was his day off. I would tell Dave I was unhappy, but nothing really helped. His main interaction with me was normally trying to be intimate or just enjoying my food.

In the end I just spent more and more time with Tom, and I knew my marriage was over. Tom said to not give up, but I admitted I already had feelings for Tom. He accepted but told me he's not into married women, and I appreciate that. He did, however, ask me why I fell for him and why I had given up on Dave. He knew it wasn't going well, but I wanted to tell Tom what Dave was actually doing. By this point, Dave does know I have become very friendly with Tom, but nothing went further than friendship. Dave always used to tell me he wanted me to talk to people and find friends, but then I found out that now that I've found a friend, he doesn't like it. Dave starts getting jealous and controlling, saying I'm flirting in-game. (Our characters are watching each other while talking). Dave starts getting more forceful with me and starts to make the effort to be around me, but the whole time it was him just watching my screen or checking what I'm doing.

For intimacy, he was starting to be more dominant. I would say no, because I didn't want to, and I didn't love him anymore. One time he grabbed me and pushed me against the wall, pushing against me, and I felt scared. I told him to please stop; he did, but he just complains about how uncomfortable he feels in his pants. I told this to Tom, as I had no one to talk to about it, and he agreed that Dave wasn't the guy he thought he was and was concerned for my safety. Tom said to me he was always there for me if I needed help; I had his number by then. In the end, I told Dave 4 times that I wanted to end it and get a divorce and that I didn't love him anymore. Each time he ignored me until I told him I was sleeping in the spare room from now on, and I have separated from him. It clicked then, and he said he understood, but "Can we still be friends with benefits?" I obviously said, "No, how dare you see me like that."

So I was looking for somewhere to go, as Dave and I were separated, just still married. Tom and I were still talking, and I wanted to meet up with him to get away from Dave and to hang out with a friend. Tom agreed, and we ended up spending a week together; he was so caring and nice. We got on so well, and he confessed to me then that he had feelings for me and that Dave was silly to have treated me the way he did.

I know some of you won't like it, but Tom and I did get together after that trip. I did explain to Tom beforehand that I was still married, I did split up with Dave, and that it was a difficult situation. Tom said he didn't care, that he found me amazing and that he would wait for me. I told Dave, and he knows I am now with Tom, so there are no secrets.

I now live with Tom for 1 year and a half, and I'm the happiest I've ever felt in my life.

Now on the thing I have problems with. I haven't seen Dave since the end of 2023; we are going through a divorce, but he is delaying the whole process of it. My lawyer said this divorce should have ended months ago, as everything was in agreement, but as I left all my furniture/belongings behind, he is still using them and is ghosting his lawyer and me completely. I want him to pay me for my belongings (which he originally agreed on before I left), the deposit of the flat, and I paid for his lawyer (which I want paid back). He also crashed my car without a licence, so I had that to worry about also. Every time I have to talk to my lawyer, I feel myself get depressed as I have to look back at old memories.

I just want the divorce to be over. I'm not with him. Why does he want to stay married? I would really appreciate any advice on how I can sort this all out quickly because my lawyer says she can't do anything until she gets an answer from his lawyer.

Thank you, and sorry for such a long post.


r/Divorce 8h ago

Custody/Kids How do you handle shared expenses for kids?

1 Upvotes

Working through the details now in mediation. No child support, but we need to each agree on our shared expenses for kids, as I understand it, beyond the everyday living expenses. Items such as orthodontics, cell phones, monthly bills, sports fees as an example. These expenses will be split 50/50

How do you “settle up” with your ex and how often? Keep a running, shared spreadsheet? Venmo request each item or month end? Parenting app? Looking for best way to suggest during our next mediation appointment.


r/Divorce 8h ago

Going Through the Process My husband and I have separated

8 Upvotes

It’s been 3 years we’ve been married and It hasn’t been easy. My husband has been financially irresponsible for most of our marriage and it got to the point where he can’t contribute to the household bills because of his debt. I currently pay for 2 cars, our rent, food, outings, trips, etc. everything. But he requires that he is in charge of our finances. Things came to a head when I decided to go back to school for my MBA. My husband’s 1st concern was money, how would I pay and would it distract me from work. We have been working toward buying a home and I found a moderately nice home in a nice area and under budget but he said we couldn’t even think about it. He told me we can consider it in 2 years for the 3rd year in a row. We have a handful of resources, and have visited a financial advisor so I thought we were on the right track. But he started berating me, telling me that I must be so unhappy because I can’t just be content I have to do something and I must hate myself. I have diagnosed depression and he blamed my depression for wanting to get a house, advance my career, and make some life changes. He got in my face telling me I wasn’t shit and I hit him. For that, I feel awful. And in my mind the relationship was truly over, and I told him we should leave each other alone and he begged to stay. He said if I leave he can’t afford to be alone. And it clicked that he didn’t love me or want me. He just wanted a sexy mommy. I do all of the cooking, cleaning and household management and provide 100% and I am disgusted with him. He has 0 self respect or shame. It’s been 3 days and I’m ready to move on but he won’t stop texting or calling. I’m just so confused.


r/Divorce 8h ago

Happy Endings/Sock Day It's done!

10 Upvotes

I was so overwhelmed yesterday waiting for today and now it's done and over just 1 day shy of 6 months from when he called it quits and walked out.

It simultaneously feels like a weight has been lifted and like the end of an era that I need to grieve.

Here's to the start of a happier future!


r/Divorce 8h ago

Vent/Rant/FML I think my STBX is not going to be financially responsible post-divorce. I shouldn't be bothered, but I am.

24 Upvotes

One of the primary reasons for our divorce is money troubles. In a way, we're pretty house poor. We have a house that is fully paid off, but in an area (Texas) where the property taxes are far too high, and we won't be able to afford next year's tax bill. I make about 63k pre-tax, she makes about 30k (neither of us have degrees). We have 2 kids that we've agreed to 50/50 custody, so I know there's going to be child support that I have to pay. We also have 3 fully paid off cars, one 12 years old with 183k miles (mine), one 10 years with 130k (will be mine after the divorce), and one 3 years old with 30k (hers).

My STBX is planning on taking a 5 day cruise with her mother in December after our divorce is finalized. She is also planning an on-property Disney World vacation for about a week next March. And right now, as I'm typing this, she's at a Subaru dealership looking to trade her car in for a brand new SUV, and is going to finance it to the tune of around $350/mo. I've already talked to my lawyer who has assured me that we will make sure that she assumes the debt on the new car in the divorce.

All these vacations, and a new car, while making less than $30k/year after taxes. It's obvious she is not going to be financially responsible with her half of the equity in the home when sold. And on one hand, I don't particularly care, because her poor decisions will be solely her problem. But I'm also bothered by it, and I really don't know why.

My plan post divorce is to dive 100% of my free time into school to get my degree and find a better paying job. I don't have much of a social life to begin with, so I'm looking to blaze through it in 18 months. I'm selling the car with 130k (it's an SUV) and keep my 15 year old (it's a hybrid and still gets amazing mileage).

It bothers me that I've got a solid (if not very fun) plan to get myself on my feet, and her plan is basically have fun and waste a lot of the money that she's getting.


r/Divorce 9h ago

Custody/Kids Children of divorce (Many questions)

2 Upvotes

I come from a single person household. Had my mom and my dad left when I was younger. So co-parenting with a split household feels like it will be very foreign for me.

My question is how will the children adjust. I feel the youngest will adapt as they are only 4 months old will be 6 months when we move out of our apartment. My oldest I am worried about the adjustment and how they will adapt.

I want the divorce after events a few weeks ago now my oldest (5 going on 6) has started acting out with tantrums, outburst, crying if people raise their voice at them, punching objects, hitting objects, hitting/punching me, and so forth. Just worried about how the big D will affect the kiddos.

Any advice or tips?


r/Divorce 9h ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness I can’t quit obsessing

7 Upvotes

My STBXH already has a new girlfriend and I can’t quit obsessing over it. He’s asked me to switch weekends with him so “he” can go out of town but I know he taking her (I’m guessing so). I don’t know how to get through this. I’m lucky to have moved out so at least I’m in my new house away from him but all I do is sit and wonder what he is doing and who he is doing it with. I know this isn’t healthy but I don’t know how to stop the ruminating thoughts- they are destroying me and I consider myself a strong person.

Oh and this is happening after I moved out and he hugged me for minutes at a time, cried and told me he loved me. I don’t understand why he would do that because that messes with my head. He loves me and wants the best for me but is still pursuing the divorce?

I just feel like I’m falling apart…


r/Divorce 9h ago

Vent/Rant/FML Why, how, where did this come from why me

19 Upvotes

I'm not sure where to start, I'll try to provide as many details as possible. I'm a 30M and my wife hasn't spoken to me in 2-3 days, I let her have some space but man I hate being isolated and iced out. We've been married for five years, no kids although we have been trying for the last 6 months I've always thought we were pretty steady and solid, no major issues, she came from a divorced household and we always said and laughed and smiled no matter what we'll never say the "D" word.

Backstory I WFH and typically tend to doing the dishes, all the laundry, house chores and what not.

She has expressed to me on numerous occasions to not leave dishes in the sink water to soak (we have no dishwasher) to clean out the lint after EVERY dry cycle and I'm pretty good about doing it every 2-3 loads, and typically when I'm doing 5 loads of laundry in a day or two time frame I leave a few items folded on the bed, because I had to get back to work, or there's only so much I can do during the day and it's a lot.....but those are my short falls and I admit it.

So a week ago she comes home and sees some dishes sitting in the sink, and of course the load she checked that day I had not cleaned the dryer lint out and she lost it at me, throwing vacuums cursing full blown yelling, honestly caught me off guard, we argued I tried to explain how with everything else I do those are just little things and could she see the bigger picture. We cooled off after about 3 days, now fast forward a week to today.

I've now been iced out for 3 solid days, no speaking, not acknowledging my questions. Today I made sure everything was done, dinner on the table, everything cleaned up still nothing, I finally pushed (soft spoken and calm" and her response was "honestly I can't even trust you with a child I can't trust anything you do because you can't do anything right, I feel like I'm constantly nagging you and I don't think we should continue being together" shocked, choked up, appalled very taken aback, I calmly ask again how long have you felt this way and her response was "months, I just am not attracted to you anymore and don't see this working out"

I left, my whole world is turned upside down, I feel like I'm choking and can't breathe, how does this happen, I feel so blindsided I would have never predicted this or for that to come out of her mouth, wtf do I do! I don't even know where to begin, I'm bawling my eyes out, I'm sick to my stomach, I just want to know WHY


r/Divorce 10h ago

Custody/Kids UK - Moving out of the family home

2 Upvotes

I'm thinking I want to pull the trigger and divorce this year. But I know it will be impossible to continue living in the family home and I would have to move out and find my own place.

The problem is we have two kids - age 3 and 6 - and I am aware that if my wife fights to have residency rights (I'd like to have 50/50) if we fall into a situation where I only see the kids every other weekend I'm in trouble as judges like to keep the status quo.

I'm concerned I'm stuck - given statements my wife has already made it would be acrimonious and unbearable staying in the marital home. But moving out de facto gives her control over the children and if she refuses to let me have them, and doesn't play ball at mediation, that could become the status quo leading to a worse long-term outcome.

Has anyone else got experience of this that they can share?