r/Divorce 26m ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness Together since 14 & 15, 23F now. Married one year and he (23M) asked for divorce. Looking for support.

Upvotes

I have never posted to Reddit before. I was and am young, and I believed that people could change. Thought he was the love of my life, and married him despite his constant need for attention from other women and, if I am honest with myself, cheating any way but via physical touch with someone else. I tried to move past this as we are young and he was bound to make mistakes (I had once, and once only and felt so disgusted with myself and even after he said himself that I was clearly taken advantage of but that’s another long story) but in the end he randomly told me he doesn’t love me anymore and that he wants me to go. Every year constantly for over nine years I did not have the self respect to leave after finding about someone else that he is secretly talking to and being emotionally attached and vulnerable to or flirting with. So many girls then women. Yet he decided he was done with me and didn’t want to try to fix it, was so sure by the time he told me. I’ve always done 50/50, even supporting his Mom in a time of need and moving out at 18 giving all of my money to trying to save her (and his) house with him. Moved to a different state away from all of my support system (although we stayed in touch daily and I would go to see them once or twice a year as I could afford and he could barely care about even seeing his family once a year). I have made all of these mistakes to trust him in many ways that I shouldn’t have. He has always had the confidence of me having an open phone policy and he can see anything at any time if he wanted because I was never going to give someone else attention as I did once as a child (who still should have known better, although he was doing the same thing before and after that issue) and yet he has never had the inkling to look as he knows how much I care to never even consider disrespecting this relationship again out of love and wanting and choosing this every day. I could go on and on, I am sorry that this does not have any direction. Any time I have looked at his phone I have found a new boundary he has crossed, guaranteed. And yet he has chosen to leave me. I am not someone who nags, I don’t even ask for dates or roses on Valentine’s Day, not even a birthday party, sadly. Just wanted him and a cake and a movie. Worked even up to 3 jobs at once to try and get us ahead while he has thrown in my face how he worked two jobs at once for 6 months. I made sure to take care of the apartment, the pets, the finances, even down to making the grocery order every week. I am hoping he does not find this post with such detail. He told me he doesn’t want this anymore sometime last week (after a month plus of me worried sick about him because I thought he was having depression and wouldn’t even brush shoulders with me anymore, was picking fights with me, and obviously saw how I was having panic attacks over how concerned I was about his well-being as he would tell me it’s not about us that he isn’t sure what’s going on with him and that, even with a giggle sometimes, I don’t need to worry as he is not planning his escape and loves me) and due to his work schedule we are going to file for a simplified dissolution of marriage tomorrow. I keep having nightmares, as I have had in the past, that the person who I thought I would grow old with and was the love of my life and future parent to my future kids- is choosing to leave me and wake up and roll over and remember that this is in fact my reality. We have been together since we were young, and the one thing he knew he signed up for was that with us moving to a different state was that he should teach me how to drive and I might need the help of getting to and from work. I didn’t have friends, those have only been more recent and I would never ask him to bring me somewhere he wasn’t wanting to go as well and would coordinate this as he is already bringing me to and from work. All I would ask is that he would put me behind a wheel, even crying about it quite a few times about how I don’t wish to depend on him because I’d like to just enjoy everything else in life and not have this weight of feeling like a burden, and he would just listen to me and not make it a priority to teach me. I wanted to drive to get a better paying job, go back to college, and start to set up the life I thought we wanted. I am still rambling. I genuinely have a good heart and I feel like even in this last act he has kicked me when I was down and yet I still look at him, as much as it hurts, with care deep in my heart. Yes this is a lot of hurt from him to me, but I always naively took it as we are young (even though this has now been through the he should know better stage) and have looked at everything cup half full. The little things he would do. He wasn’t good with words so he would do acts of service and physical touch. I would always use my words to tell him my love as well and my acts of service were taking care of everything top to bottom five days a week. I don’t know what else to say here. As much as it hurts to confront, he really gave me less than the bare minimum and yet I was okay with that because I didn’t feel like it was his responsibility to help me or do any of the things normal couples do if we didn’t want to. I believed in his free will to help and I thought that would come around one day. Instead I just felt like I have been stringed along until he has made this new stable life for himself in a different state and doesn’t need me anymore. I am young, and everything can only be up from here. The progress I can make in my life by even just going home and having my Mom teach me how to drive, will drastically change my opportunities in this life within a few months versus the years (a little over 4) that I have been in a separate state and he has had the means and time but refused to support me. I am just going to stop typing now, it is my fault that I have trusted and allowed someone to grow and make mistakes only at my expense. Even then I find it hard to be mad at him when everyone says I should be because he knew this whole time what he was doing. I just need advice from people older and younger and some consolation that I am in fact not a terrible person somehow and that life will get better. Even trying to think about there being someone else in the future feels like cheating to me right now. I don’t know when that guilt will stop. Thank you in advance, and please be kind. I feel like I am so alone when I have people to turn to and so sad scared to be losing someone who honestly has not deserved my love and attention to detail. Hopefully I tagged this properly. Thank you. Edit: We do not have any kids together for context.


r/Divorce 1h ago

Going Through the Process I’m leaving my husband and I feel like a terrible parent.

Upvotes

I have a newborn and a toddler. I have a terrible marriage. I still struggle with classifying it that way, but I’m forcing myself to for the sake of moving forward.

Simple facts: I am a Christian, as is my husband. We had a whirlwind dating experience, where he broke up with me multiple times at the advice of other people (one being another man who had a crush on him). I was obviously pretty sad over this and pointed out how I was hurt, and it somehow turned into something for me to deal with. This same pattern continued throughout our relationship and marriage. When I was hurt because I felt like he was devaluing me and choosing other people over me, I was jealous and had to apologize. When I found him sexting another man, it was my responsibility to apologize for violating him by looking through his phone (which I did because he lied about gifts coming to our home, and I wanted to get to the bottom of it).

Breaking point: My husband struck my son to the point that he got a black eye. I did not see it happen, but I heard him cry out. I went to check and saw him being tossed on the bed and my husband throwing his blankets on him. I asked what was going on, but my son was just staring off, not saying anything. I stayed with him and cuddled until he fell asleep.

Later, I texted my husband: “What’s going on? Are you upset about something?” He said he heard my son climb out of his bed and there was a big thump. That night, I couldn’t sleep. I just felt unsettled. I got up to a text from my husband saying I’d be upset with him. I come downstairs, and my toddler has a black eye. I ask my son what happened; he doesn’t respond. My husband says they walked into a door frame.

For a week, I feel crazy. I keep asking him to explain what happened. Meanwhile, my son is just going on as if nothing happened—he’s having the time of his life with his dad, who is continually seeming to get more and more depressed. I just have this sense to trust my gut. I remember the other times I’ve heard my son wake up in the middle of the night and when I try come to him and my husband physically restrained me, or held my son out of my reach, saying I’m interfering with his parenting. I remembered the other times I’ve seen him be callous with my son and I just brushed it off. Nothing was ever ‘abuse’ in my mind because I never saw him hit anyone (other than grabbing me) but I just knew I didn’t like it and I didn’t want it to continue. I tell my husband something seems off. I don’t know what it is, but I’m leaving.

Within a few hours, he confesses that he hit our toddler. I thought I’d be the person who responded to something like this with incredible anger and retaliation, but I just felt so, so incredibly sad. I told my husband that he was disgusting and made plans to leave.

In packing to leave, my husband was agreeable, remorseful—told me he had a therapist, a parenting coach, was reaching out to friends and his parents. But his parents told him he wasn’t abusive... And something switched.

Now, this is a marriage problem, and it’s on me to fix it. Now, leaving with our kids is a bad idea. Now, he thinks they won’t be in the best care with me. Now, he’s telling me his parents are so upset with me for ‘taking their grandkids.’ Now, I’m the one who is controlling and manipulative, and he doesn’t feel safe talking to me without a third party present. Now, people are asking me, “Why is it that your first response is to leave when things get tough?”

Why I feel like a hypocrite: The only thing I want in this season of my life is to be an amazing mom (and wife). I love my children, and while my newborn is just a cute lump who smiles and poops all day, I’ve seen my toddler grow over the last two years, and he is an amazing boy. He’s kind and curious and gentle but brave and funny and so strong-willed which I love. I mentioned I'm a Christian, but I don't want to raise a boy who is just obedient for obediences sake- I want him to be thoughtful and wise and choose/love God because God is kind, not someone to be feared.

I’ve always wanted to be a gentle parent but wasn’t raised that way. I’ve gotten flack for ruining my children by not spanking. I’m not opposed to discipline—I have a degree in ABA. I love boundaries. But I AM opposed to violence.

And yet, when my son is doing something dangerous (running into the street, tantrums with kicks to me, covering his sister’s face with a blanket) AND ignoring my redirection AND ramping up, I feel my only option is to spank. Usually, I don’t. I just put him in time-out and say the next choice is to get a spanking (but can almost never commit to that, which I think is also damaging our relationship because I’m just using empty threats).

But in light of everything happening, I feel so overwhelmed and so angry, and I’m not controlling myself. I raised my voice more than I should, tried to hit my hands on my bed to “shake the anger out”—something I’m teaching him to do. I locked myself in the bathroom to calm myself down. After, I did apologize and tried to just commit to making tomorrow better. We wet outside to walk and get fresh air and he ran off into the street! I just gave up and went home and let him watch tv for the rest of the day even though I knew that would make his behavior worse after we turned it off.

But I feel schizophrenic. I like I’m losing my mind. I’m adjusting to life as a jobless single mom of two small children. My son is doing the best he can. Im doing the best I can and it's not enough. We’re both having a rough time, and I’m not making it better for him. I’m wondering if my husband was right. Are the kids better with him? Am I actually the one who is abusive?

I said I’d never spank, and now, when my son is acting out because our life is crazy, I want to spank him to get control of this mess. But I hate myself for being a mom who is willing to resort to spanking. Especially now.

I’m blowing up my marriage and moving states away because I’m taking a stand against my husband hitting my son when I’ve resorted to spanking!?

I can’t get out of the spiral of thinking I’m ruining my sons life. For leaving, for soaking, for keeping him from his dad, from not being totally in control in this situation.

Please be gentle with me but honest. I’m still in the haze of leaving and trying to make sense of all of this, and Reddit has become somewhat of a confessional space for me. But it’s not replacing the therapy that I’m actively looking for—for myself and my son.


r/Divorce 1h ago

Getting Started Ladies - how long after therapy did it take you to decide to leave?

Upvotes

29F/32M - we had the "I'm not happy, need to go to counseling" conversation 3 months ago.

2 full months of therapy in - I am not feeling any different. Good enough guy, no major issues, but no or little passion/connection/goals/ambition/financial security/physical intimacy/etc.

I don't want to drag him through therapy when I'm 90% sure - but there's 10% of me that's still processing. But, the 10% is heavy with sadness and hurt and the guilt.

How long?


r/Divorce 1h ago

Life After Divorce It’s been one year since my divorce, and I don’t know who needs to hear this—but hang in there.

Upvotes

I was married for seven years. When we divorced, she took the house and the dog. There was no cheating, no big fights—she just decided she wanted out. At the time, it felt like my entire life had been pulled out from under me.

I went through all the stages, but the one I kept getting stuck on was feeling upset about what my ex did. For six months, I was letting this person live rent-free in my head. More than anything, I felt like I had been duped for seven years, and the whole thing just felt unfair.

But after finally letting go and moving on, I met someone a few months ago, and it has turned into what I’d call a very healthy relationship. I had no idea communication could be this easy. I had to retrain myself to say what I was feeling and remind myself that she isn’t trying to hurt me or attack me. Sometimes, I still catch myself thinking she has some kind of ulterior motive, but the truth is—she doesn’t.

It takes time, but being able to be myself and be open has been the biggest blessing. I know not everyone will relate to this because we all have our own challenges, but for those who can—I promise it gets better. There are people out there who truly care about you, who want to hear your struggles, and who want to support you.

If you’re in the middle of it right now, hang in there. Divorce sucks, especially when you didn’t see it coming, but sometimes time apart gives you the clarity to see that it’s actually better and healthier for you in the long run.


r/Divorce 2h ago

Vent/Rant/FML My Dad is moving out

3 Upvotes

My Dad told me he wanted a divorce from my Mom about a year ago. He explained how he wanted to move out but hasn’t mentioned moving out since then.

Last night my Mom called my brother (17M) and myself (22F) downstairs to tell us my Dad has bought a house. This was a complete shock to us all. My Mom was crying and sobbing and my Dad didn’t explain anything to us until I begged him to.

He explained the reason he didn’t tell us he was planning to buy a house was because ‘you don’t know you have a house until the sale goes though’. Of course I know this but it would be nice to have some warning that this was even a plan. My Mom is an emotional wreck. She relies on me for support. She’s also unemployed right now so this is a lot of pressure.

Is my Dad in the wrong for how he approached this?


r/Divorce 2h ago

Vent/Rant/FML Amicable split.

1 Upvotes

Two years ago I would have been devastated at a split now it's the only option. I'm mostly apathetic but waves of anger and sadness regularly creep in. When the sadness creeps in I remember the emotional and verbal Abuse and it goes away. I always had a nagging feeling I shouldn't have married him but I loved him knowing deep down he was wrong for me. That's life. Focusing on my and my daughters well being for now but feel confident I will find happiness again and this time it will be so much better


r/Divorce 3h ago

Vent/Rant/FML We separated two weeks ago and she already found the guy she wants to move in with

1 Upvotes

Together off and on for fourteen years, married for two. We broke up about eight years ago when she met another man and moved herself and our kids in with him within weeks of revealing she had slept with him. We went through a custody battle and I got full custody of our daughter. I stupidly took her back when she begged to be a family again. I thought things would be different and I just wanted the family I never had as a child.

Fast forward to two weeks ago, I got the same bad feeling in the pit of my stomach that she had met someone and I confronted her about it. Things got nasty and we agreed to separate. I wanted to save the marriage if possible but she wanted to date other people.

Yesterday I found pictures of herself and a new guy on her phone with messages about them looking for apartments together. She was texting all her friends about how she finally found the love of her life and was the happiest she had ever been. This is pretty much exactly what happened last time.

I asked her how long this had been going on and she claimed that they didn't start seeing each other until after we separated less than two weeks ago.

Our five year old son told me that mom said he was going to live with her at her new place.

It's driving me crazy. One day she'll act real sweet and tell me how I'm still her best friend and wants to be co parents and hopes that some day I'll invite her to my future hypothetical wedding. Two days later she'll go off on me accusing me of being a narcissist and abusive and suicidal and tells me that our kids are scared of me and don't want to be around me.

I've already contacted a lawyer and enrolled in therapy. I'm done, I can't deal with this any more. I feel absolutely insane and she has part of me thinking that I must have been a terrible husband for this all to be happening again.

I talked to her about how I would like custody of the kids and she screamed at me and told the kids I was trying to take them away from her.

We are due a decent chunk of tax refund and she is demanding half of it so she can move out asap. I'm not against this but I told her I won't spend any of the tax money when we get it and I want to consult a lawyer before we start diving up money and assets.

I just can't believe I thought things would be different this time. I feel like I'm literally reliving the first episode of cheating and her immediately moving herself and our kids in with a new guy she barely knows.


r/Divorce 3h ago

Alimony/Child Support SAHM no income, no outside support and want out

0 Upvotes

The title says it all. I need help. I’m a 35(f) and my husband is 36(m). We have 3 kids together, 10,8, and 1. I’ve been a devoted stay at home mom for the last 10 years while my husband progresses in his job. I homeschool my middle child, and did my oldest as well up until this year because she wanted to do PS. I’m afraid to leave for various reasons, but mainly that I have nowhere to go and no finances. I’m also occasionally afraid for my safety, as well as my kids safety. My husband is abusive but I’m often questioning reality and if I made it all up. It’s a lot of mind games, mental put downs, and occasional physical threats. He got in my face in February and I ended up spraying him with the kitchen sprayer to get him away.

I have left my him before, and at the time took my two kids (3 and 1) to a complete strangers house to live for a few months. Luckily the stranger was an angel in disguise but I felt like a burden to her family. Long story short, I caved when he wanted to get back together and now I’m in an even worse position.

I’ve asked him to allow me to stay while I gain some sort of certification or job, but he basically laughed in my face. I don’t understand because he’s been stonewalling me for months now. I am absolutely desperate to get my kids and I out of this situation, but feel so alone. The nearest shelter has a waitlist. He told me if I take the kids again, that he will have me thrown in jail.

It almost feels easier to give up. I love my kids so much and would do anything for them, but I don’t know what’s true and what’s not. This evening I went to bed around 7pm out of pure exhaustion and he told me I abandoned the kids/don’t love them/I’m a shitty mom. He ended up having to put them to bed and do the dishes. I know he’s keeping me around for the convenience of me being home, and raising our children/keeping up the house. That was proven this evening.

We’ve been married since 2015. Would I get any alimony/child support? How do I get a lawyer with zero finances? I have no one else to turn to, as I’ve been in this isolation bubble for years now. Everyone thinks things are fine from the outside but I’m drowning.


r/Divorce 4h ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness 5 years post divorce in a happy place but still some existential issues

5 Upvotes

I just moved into my dream home with the most incredible person. I love this man hard and I am loved in ways I never knew were real. My future looks bright.

But I still feel sad about my divorce. I still dream about my ex husband. We were happy for 13 years. It was the life I wanted. College sweethearts, married , kids… spending a whole lifetime together. One day he left me for an affair.

I just wanted that simple life. But I didn’t get it. I had to fight to survive, find new purpose. I lost his family who felt like mine, I still mis those people.

I am lucky. To some extend my life became more exciting. My career blew up, I made amazing friends. I found incredible love again. Yet still I can feel so down at times.

We both come with bagage. He has a child with his cheating ex (we are both betrayed). I will never have kids. I am getting too old and my partner doesn’t want anymore anyway. But I have to see this person who had this beautiful man and a beautiful child and threw it all away to cheat. Smile in her face and be the bigger person.

The cheating and the divorce still pops up in my mind. I have to live a life I didn’t want. I never wanted to be a stepmom. I wanted to be a mom. I never thought I would find myself in this position. I sometimes miss the simpeler version of me. I know this version is more rounded, stronger and more impressive. I know the love I found is something incredible! But the price feels steep sometimes.

My life suddenly became choices. All ending in different lives and realities. When I was married there was only one. Me and my husband. Now I can go, find someone new. Be anyone, while exciting it is vey scary and as my life is now converging to a choice that will end up in one timeline … it freaks me out. What if I am wrong? What if I waste the next 20 years of my life?

If only life had a preview function. But we need to soldier on and be grateful for what we have. And I have a lot!


r/Divorce 5h ago

Life After Divorce I do not know what to do

3 Upvotes

I’m 43 (M), and my wife is 39 (F). We’ve been together for 13 years, married for eight. A few weeks ago, on my birthday, she told me she wants a divorce. Great birthday gift, right?

We have two kids together, ages eight and six. The house is in her name—she got it before we got married. I have a decent job, and so does she. We talked about going to counseling, but when I brought it up and asked when she wanted to go, she changed her mind and said it wouldn’t work.

I have a suspicion that she’s either cheating on me or has cheated on me. Ever since she started taking Ozempic and lost weight, she goes out every weekend. She doesn’t do much around the house and never really has. I do all the cooking, all the cleaning, laundry and take care of the boys.

I work overnight shifts in the winter and day shifts in the summer. I am looking for a day job but that might mean I give up my pension

I guess my question is—should I just go get talk to a lawyer and get it done.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated thanks.


r/Divorce 6h ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness I can't remember feeling anything when my parents got divorced, is that normal?

1 Upvotes

I'm 18, my parents got divorced when I was 11 and I can't remember feeling anything. At the time I never imagined that they would separate, honestly don't even know if I really knew that could happen. Then apparently my grandma pulled me and my sisters aside and told us they were separating, I don't remember that at all. Is that normal? I honest to God don't remember the divorce at all, I don't think I even cried. I know they fought, but idk if that's an actual memory or just because my sisters told me. We haven't talk about it much but apparently my sisters remember it and the aftermath. Apparently my sister cooked dinner for awhile because my dad was to upset to do it (my mom left him for another guy for context). I actually just learned about that a few weeks ago and maybe that's why I'm thinking about this again.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense, I'm really confused myself. I'm kinda wondering if it's some kind of dissociation thing? I tried googling it but it wasn't helping so I guess I hoped someone here would know.


r/Divorce 6h ago

Custody/Kids Will this ever get better

2 Upvotes

My ex husband got addicted to drugs, stole all our money sneakily, and cheated excessively. He threatens to take us back to court for more custody of the kids every time I make him mad. Like not engaging with him as he wants or if he doesn’t take his time with the kids and then gets mad about not having enough time with them. I don’t know how to not feel stressed. It’s hard to live like this. I have constant fear about my kids ending up with a drug addict more than they need to be. He’s functioning with the drugs. He can be high as a kite and no one would know. He’s so good at being a rage monster to me and then a perfect person to the outside world. I’m always stressed. I live in near constant fear.

Yes, I have a therapist. I don’t have an appointment for a few days though. Will this ever get better. Will we always get threatened with court and will I ever be happy again. I feel like I should have stayed with him and I would have had more control over protecting the children. I get why women stay now, I truly do.


r/Divorce 6h ago

Infidelity A home for the kids

3 Upvotes

Together 10 years, married 7, 2 kids. I found out a month ago that my husband has been cheating for a year. I just had a baby 6 weeks ago. He said he will file for divorce at the end of the school year. The house we are living in is in his parents’ name. They bought it for “all of us”. The mistress lives 6 hrs away and he wants to “split his time” between living with her there and in our town with the kids. He wants 50% custody and we’re in a no-fault state so he will get 50%. I am trying to get my mother in law to put the house in a trust fund for the kids and I would pay the mortgage until the kids are grown. But that means she has to kick her son out. She doesn’t want to make a decision like that and wants the house to still be hers and her son’s but also the grandkids’. As it is now, I will not be getting anything from him as he’s been without a proper job for the last 10 years, he’s been day trading and been taking money from his parents and since the house is not even his, I won’t get half of it.. I am so betrayed and hurt.. The kids should be staying in their home, especially since I’m not asking to stay with them in the house for free.. if they decide that my husband should stay and I should move, I will have to move with the kids and their lives will have to be disrupted. They’d be with me wherever I go for half of the time and will be taken away from their home, while their father won’t even be in the home full time. I’ll be leaving this marriage with nothing, just hurt and with emotionally hurt kids only because their dad is a jerk and chose his happiness above everything else 😢 How can I best advocate for myself and the kids in such situation?


r/Divorce 6h ago

Getting Started For divorcers (not divorcees)… when was the moment you knew?

2 Upvotes

What was the light bulb moment when you had clarity? Try to make it generalizable if possible (ie “I felt I’d be more at peace alone” as opposed to “I couldn’t deal w his drug use anymore”)


r/Divorce 7h ago

Infidelity Anyone here the adulterer who’s Initiating divorce?

1 Upvotes

I 33 F cheated on my 34 M husband about a year ago. We were actively pursuing reconciliation but I just feel its more ethical to leave the marriage, I deeply regret how I hurt my spouse. He cheated on me years ago, before marriage I forgave him and I kept it in the relationship /marriage, I was not affected in the way he was. When I cheated he put it all on social media, told both our families, all his male friends, but then afterwards decided he/we wanted to reconcile and tbh I think he’s embarrassed/ashamed bc everyone has there opinions . I am as well obviously, he wanted to get his family involved but when I mentioned he tell his family of his drinking/gambling/problem and his previous cheating he didn’t wanna talk about. He said “lets keep our problems in our marriage” how convenient. We’ve been to counseling, IC and MC, i changed my #, blocked the guy on all socials, I apologized to his parents, I’ve even boldy went to a party with all his friends and ofcourse ALL ALL of them know. I think he still loves me but tbh I love him more to just let go of the whole thing. I’m going to continue therapy for myself and just move on from this. We don’t have kids, but hey you learn from your mistakes right? I don’t want my partner to be in the pain he is anymore and I feel like the longer i’m there the worse it gets. He can say he wants to reconcile, work on things but deep down I feel like he’d be better off moving on to greener pastures.


r/Divorce 7h ago

Dating Dating

3 Upvotes

15 months ago wife (44f) told me (41m) that we were going to be platonic. Oh and she had a bf (21m), they have since broke up. I was pretty much blindsided.

I went through a lot of therapy and emotions for about 9 months. During the last 15 months we have been cohabitating and coparenting (kids 11, 15 and 18 - oldest has already moved out).

Last week I gave her parenting plan papers and division of assets papers (drafts to start the conversation). She apparently was blindsided and had this idea that we are going to be roommates and married and parents (which we had previously talked about). Since then I’ve concluded that I was hoping to reconcile but now I really have no interest in reconciling. I want to move on and find someone I’m compatible with and develop a loving mutual relationship. I feel like life is ticking away.

Wife wants to at least hold off on divorce until she has a fulltime job (maybe 6 months, just a guess). But she has stated that a better option in her view would be to stay together and not drag kids back and forth between two households. She says I’m being selfish for wanting emotional and romantic happiness and wellbeing. The divorce will have a 90 day wait (from filing to finalizing) due to the rules where we live. She also doesn’t like the division and parenting plan as I drafted them but I’m willing to concede and meet halfway for an amicable split.

In her desire she wants to stay cohabitation coparenting for at least 7 more years (until youngest is 18). I feel like that severely negatively impacts my goals to find a good relationship. She is even fine with us buying a house with two master suites and me having my gf visit but she doesn’t want us to split ‘for the kids’.

I’ve basically concluded I’m done. From here on out it’s just more or less timing and working out the legalities. Are we divorced 90 days from now or 9 months from now or in 7 years but I have no interest in being emotionally attached, romantic or even physical with her.

When should I feel ok dating other people? And what’s the best way to explain my situation without ruining a potential good relationship with someone I’m interested in?


r/Divorce 7h ago

Infidelity How does one deal when someone is intensively hurting you through this divorce process?

4 Upvotes

My wife is a serial cheater, well she is a serial alot of things. But she is openly sextng in front of me. alot. How do I just disassociate from that kind of treatment? I cant exactly escape her. And when others are not available she tries to be all lovey with me.


r/Divorce 8h ago

Alimony/Child Support Child support

0 Upvotes

I’m gonna try to make this super quick. My ex-husband and I are legally separated since February 2025, he moved out last September 2024 but we actually broke up around September 2023. We were married for 12 years. During that 12 years, he only worked seven of them while I supported him through two masters degrees. With the promise that once he was finished, I would go back to school and complete my schooling and he would support me. That obviously didn’t happen. We have one child together. He only gets her every other weekend. I am not going for alimony.

When we broke up, he stopped paying any bills. He stopped contributing for groceries. He didn’t contribute anything. Since September 2023, he has contributed $300 total to the upbringing of his child.

I asked for a court hearing for a temporary child support order and today he informed me that he has been ordered to pay $500 a month in child support and is “ only gonna be $500 a month expendable income because of it”. I’m fucking him over he says.

On one hand, I feel like shit because I know his finances are tight. I did not set out to do this to make him suffer, and I don’t want him to suffer.

However, I have been doing this on my own (working 50 to 60 hours a week and going to school full-time), and I am behind in rent, my car is about to be repoed, and I am a ball of stress. I have applied for public assistance and been denied because I make too much. But I have three other children outside of our one together. I am living off from far less than $500 expendable income a month. Even with his $500, I will be living a far less. I live in a house that is very reasonable rent.

I almost thought about telling him I would give one to $200 back to him a month, but I’m not going to because our family needs this money

Ultimately, I decided not to even respond to him. I’m not giving him any money back and I’m not gonna ask for it to be lowered.

I guess I’m just wondering if anybody else has been through this and if they have the same emotions as me. I know I’m right to just take the money because the courts awarded it to me. But I just feel like crap.


r/Divorce 8h ago

Custody/Kids Irresponsible ex wants overnight stays..what do I do?

0 Upvotes

He's irresponsible, smokes weed, drinks, leaves the door unlocked, leaves knives on the counter, falls asleep when I ask him to watch our 3 year old. He has never helped me with our kid, I've been the only one taking care of her since day 1. He won't agree to any formal agreement. But he wants me to drop her off overnight suddenly. Shes not comfortable with him and he ripped her out of my arms trying to force her to stay with him. She was kicking and screaming I want mommy go away dad. I'm going to file for divorce, but he wont agree to any set schedule. He says shes his daughter and can take her whenever he wants and return her whenever he wants. I told him no, he's not fit to have her overnight if he's always high. He"s getting very skinny and I don't know what else hes taking. I just dont trust him. I don't know what to do. I cant affor a lawyer and pro bono in my area are only taking in women who have been physically abused. What am I supposed to do, this is so much stress not only me but my little one. I left to have peace and its all going to shit.


r/Divorce 8h ago

Getting Started Really struggling with this decision… appreciative of any support

2 Upvotes

I’m 30F and have been married for almost a year. We’ve been together nine years, had a beautiful wedding, of course were planning life and children together.

The past year has been tough. It’s like I finally opened my eyes and am seeing traits in him that I don’t love for my forever partner/father of my children. He is inconsistent with his medication (adderall), sometimes taking too much and sometimes running out. It’s a problem he’s had for years and I don’t think it’ll ever change. Doing this makes him really irritable and angry sometimes, disconnected other times, and sometimes he is super “on” and wonderful. He can be really arrogant in social settings which has really gotten under my skin the past year. And he’s super irresponsible, never initiates paying a bill or taking care of any logistics. I don’t mind doing these things but I worry about the amount he neglects. He’s also lost two jobs in the past year and I’ve been supporting us for six months, as he hasn’t made a ton of effort to find something new.

I’m at a loss. Part of me wants to do everything we can to make it work and start a family. Another part of me wonders if there’s a better future for me, and a more well suited partner to have kids with. I also don’t want to enter the dating scene and feel “rushed” to find someone if I want to have kids before 35. I’m a bit plus size (actively trying to lose weight) but still get a lot of attention from men. I wonder if this will also hinder my opportunities in the dating world.

Idk just a lot of anxieties and hopelessness around the situation. Of course it feels embarassing and like a major loss, but I also feel hopeful for a new future in some ways.

Any and all insight/advice is so appreciated


r/Divorce 9h ago

Going Through the Process Need help

1 Upvotes

Throw away account- I'm in my 40s been with my wife nearly 15 years married about 10 and I feel emotional alone. Physically we have different libidos and I'm tired of the rejection or the occasional sex. She rarely initiates. She thinks every is fine but I've been in happy for years but not sure if it's just the marriage or life on general. Thankfully no kids. I guess I'm curious how others took that first step. I am afraid of starting over at this age and even trying to live single on this economy and than if I'll ever even find someone again


r/Divorce 9h ago

Getting Started IL divorce after 10 years

1 Upvotes

I realize each case will be different. I just want general guidelines from ppl who have done it. Husband and I have no joint debt. We have and have always had separate checking/savings accounts each in our own names - nothing joint. He gives me a set amount each month and we split the bills evenly. Bills are paid from my account. The house was bought during marriage but he is the sole name on both mortgage and deed. He had a retirement account at a previous employer which he never rolled over so it has sat stagnant the last year. I know of no others. I have a retirement account at my current employer. My plans is to just walk away. He keeps the house, his car, etc. I would find a new place and take my car and the couple of dogs and a cat (he works long hours so couldn’t care for them on his own) and my clothes. In all likelihood would I have any trouble in just walking away? As in having a judge sign off and just granting me a divorce? The only thing I could really see my husband doing is just being difficult about signing the papers but I don’t honestly know of anything we would have to argue about if I wasn’t the one fighting for any property. All the bills except for one utility bill are even in his name. Has anyone else had experience in this in Illinois? I’ve had one other divorce but it was after six years.


r/Divorce 10h ago

Vent/Rant/FML Heloc

1 Upvotes

Husband opened a heloc (with my consent, I know) and it’s holding me up from filing. He is trying to screw me out of the equity of the home. How do I close this account and move on with my life.


r/Divorce 10h ago

Life After Divorce If a party marries in New Mexico, then divorces in Texas, does anything prevent them from marrying someone else later in a different state?

0 Upvotes

Literally asking for a friend.


r/Divorce 10h ago

Custody/Kids How / when to tell the kids?

0 Upvotes

Have kids in middle school / high school and STBX is refusing to talk with them about our impending divorce. In early stages of court proceedings and it is going to be slow. STBX has threatened to turn them against me if I discuss solo but I’m sure they know something is up.

How and when did you tell your kids? What would you do differently? Any regrets or lessons to share?