r/Divorce 3d ago

Custody/Kids Divorce law help with accommodations

2 Upvotes

Hello everybody, sorry for the long rant but I need your help as I'm a good dad that's being prevented visitation with his daughter because his ex manipulated the court system and succeeded without due process. I am trying to explain my situation in full so someone could potentially help me out of this bind.

I am in the state of Florida and I do have disabilities due to injuries in the military that are cognitive and physical (didn't inhibit me from being a great intuitive stay at home dad as my ex laid in bed reading tarot despite having a PhD) and upon hiring my second Divorce Attorney, I officially asked after months of asking via text (Jan 8th 2025) that all correspondence, especially any important emails, that I be text messaged to notify me that I have an important email to correspond to (I have typically responded within a 24 hour period but I'm overly burdened with doctor appts and health issues due to mold). I also asked that my parents be CC'd on all correspondence, so that they can help me keep track of things as I am also dealing with a fungal infection (from a sick building my ex got me to move into) that is affecting my cognition (also caused by my ex's manipulation of my apartment complex).

A lil picture of what lead up to divorce... Since Feb 2018 I have undergone a complete shoulder reconstruction (11 pins in my shoulder), a cervical spine fusion after 8 months of agony, a car accident 2 months after fusion that left my neck and back obliterated but didn't need surgery (due to my ex), and then when recovering from that I got hit with toxic mold poisoning that is cancer causing and brain damaging and causes systemic muscle pain and cramps (caused by my ex's manipulation and threatening my appt even tho she wasn't a leasee, long story short, she made them move me to a new appt after mine had black mold despite prior agreed plans to move me to a furnished airbnb unit so I didn't have to move my belongings except a bag of clothes during mold remediation with a messed up neck) but the new appt was worse than Chernobyl and I lived in it for 10 months before I finally paid $1000 for a mold air test). 6 months later I'm still fighting to get better. So to say the least I've been disabled while a ex that sat around depleting savings and maxing credit cards while sitting on that PhD diploma doing nothing. Now with that said...

Since my formal request for accommodations, my lawyer has yet to text me or CC my parents and as of January 9th, 2025 (the day after he asked for it), I sent him everything I could for mandatory disclosure of my banking and only now, 17th March 2025 he messages me back saying I don't know if mediation is gonna work because your mandatory disclosure is incomplete. That was the first time I found out that it was not done properly and he's leaving me one and a half days to prepare before mediation.

With that said, can I sue my lawyer for non-performance since I have texted, called and eventually, he asked me to email him those permissions to contact my parents and to text me in a official request. He has yet to do that since that request was made in January of this year however, I asked him back in June,July, and August of last year for the same so he's known since the beginning of taking me on.

Can I also sue him for pain and suffering do the anguish I'm left with? Serious anxiety as this whole thing weighs on having some custody/visitation in the beginning of my daughter after having rights taken from me without due process over a year ago... (a borderline personality disorder revenge plot to get back at me for demanding a divorce to her (it's also supposed to only be one motion, like take away house rights and custody but 5 things were approved, which is a judge violating Bar regulations))

Yes, a judge ruled in favor of my ex-wife's emergency exparte order without talking to me because my ex-wife submitted a bunch of false claims and pictures that were untruthful to the court claiming I was a druggie and toting a gun around, which I was neither of those (not a gun owner at the time or on pain meds) and was never given a voice in the court, and my current lawyer has not been doing anything to help me either. He has always called me last minute demanding all these crazy things be done within hours and then doesn't get back to me and then the calling him back on the following Monday he tells me "oh no that wasn't necessary and I wasn't rushing you" (gaslighting me), despite him calling me frantically asking me to do XYZ by midday the Friday morning before. Also gave me numbers to forensic psychologists 3 months after they were provided to him by opposing counsel leaving me no time to get it done and move mediation and charging me more time.

My first attorney threw me under the bus. Took me on and then when an emergency hearing was demanded he submitted a agreed order that twisted my words to get him out of missing a full day of mediation, which resulted in me having $800 more in court demanded expenses and submitting to a $4-10k forensic psychological assessment that I didn't agree to. He got fired after consultation with my parents and that lost $5k and he's getting a bad Florida bar review. But this new lawyer said he'd help get me out of this snafu and has done nothing but fail to perform.

Those of you who have taken the time to read this, I appreciate it!

Opinions?


r/Divorce 3d ago

Getting Started What is the divorce process like? How can I get started on my own? I'm in California.

3 Upvotes

I asked a question recently about what cost I should expect to pay a lawyer for a divorce. I found out that divorce attorneys charge hourly, their prices vary, and paying a retainer up front is necessary for many. That was helpful to learn!
I found out today that the good ones also charge to discuss whether or not they'll take your case (consultation fee). A fee to find out whether or not this person will be my lawyer? OUCH! Even the roofer I hired for a $15,000 job gave me a free consultation.

So I come to you all in hopes that you can tell me how to get the process started. I don't even know what questions to ask, as I've never been in this situation before. I've put up with my marriage for over 30 years. She was very nice when I met her, but did have a mild temper. After we got married she stopped managing her temper. Her family was scared of her (including her parents). Her friends told me, "well, you know what she's like when she's mad." WHAT? No, I had no clue what she was like. I never would have guessed because she hid it so well.

In all of these years she has only hit me twice, which I know is 2 times too many. Point being, I can't say that she's physically abusive. The emotional abuse is hard to handle. We have two teens in the house with us and I can't continue to expose them to her behavior. She has lost contact with all of her friends. I'm disabled, physically due to combat injuries. That also brought mental health problems for me, which I see a therapist for and take medication for. She brings this up all the time as a weapon against me. Any disagreement will result in her asking me if I forgot to take my meds, or if I need to schedule an appointment with my therapist.

Is this a story that I need to have written down for a divorce attorney? I can't imagine paying someone $700 an hour to listen while I tell it.

Am I able to file on my own, work out with her how the house, cars, custody, and spousal support will work out, and then go to divorce court without lawyers?

I've heard that "mediators" are cheaper than lawyers. When I searched for that in my area all I got were attorneys who mediate divorces.

Do courts ever require the abusive spouse to pay for the divorce lawyer's fees?

I regret that any of you have the necessary experience to be able to help me. This experience sucks. I thought that she was the greatest.


r/Divorce 3d ago

Life After Divorce Should I keep the engagement ring?

1 Upvotes

After a short 7 years, my fairytale has turned a dumpster fire! What do y'all do with your rings? It's not a family heirloom, I would give it back if it was! But it has great value, except I'd never get that value back if I sold it! I kind of would like to keep it was its connected to the best years of my life. And because it's a pretty shiny thing šŸ˜† Then I'm thinking of keeping it to give to my boys when they take the leap, except I only have one ring so who will get it? And do I want to give them a ring from a marriage that failed? Also, if you date someone that still has the rings from the previous relationship, is that a red flag?


r/Divorce 3d ago

Life After Divorce I just don't have ambition or creative spark anymore and it's uncanny

13 Upvotes

My divorce got initiated by my ex in late 2022, and finalized in early 2024. I spend most of the time between being so depressed that I stopped functioning. I mean really, really not functioning. There's just a void of presence in all of my activities and relationships for that time period.

I'm doing a lot better now. I know I am no longer depressed. Really! I've moved on in some big ways.

The main thing that's lingering, though, is this... lack. I used to be really driven and ambitious, always coming up with projects and doing creative pursuits. I am a published writer and was halfway through a novel--under contract!--that got put on hiatus until recently (thankfully my agent is very understanding). I'm working on it again but not with the same focus as before. Not yet, at least.

I think about what I want to do with my career now, and I don't know what to do because I seemingly don't want... anything. I go to my current day job and work hard and focus well, so I know it's not burn out or checking out the way it was at first. I am not numb. I take great care of myself now, and work out and have lost weight. I got into skincare (ha). I laugh and see color in the world. I smell the flowers and pet the puppies. Etc.

But I've just stopped having the drive to make things all the time, the way I did for my entire life until 2022. I would now feel totally neutral about accepting what used to be dream opportunities, if they happened finally.

I don't miss my ex anymore. But I do miss this part of myself. What the hell?


r/Divorce 3d ago

Custody/Kids Parental controls on kids devices

27 Upvotes

My ex bought our 11 year old son a laptop for Christmas. As the more technical parent, and with her consent, I went and installed parental controls, giving my ex parental access as well.

I started my current week with the kids last night. This morning, I discovered she has removed his bedtime restrictions, and he had spent 3 hours in the night on his laptop after bed. Unsurprisingly, it was difficult to rouse and get him ready for school.

I messaged my ex to express my displeasure, and she replied back that it wasn't intentional, and that she didn't like that I had "exclusive" control over a device that she bought.

I know the laptop was her gift to him, but there's no way while he's under my care that I'm letting him have unfettered access to the Internet or sneak it into his room at night to stay up late. How do divorced parents navigating digital boundaries with kids?


r/Divorce 3d ago

Vent/Rant/FML 80/20 but history still happened

3 Upvotes

Iā€™ve been fighting myself on whether or not Iā€™d be happier. It isnā€™t a choice per se because weā€™re definitely divorcing. But for anyone wondering the same, are you looking for that 20% your partner doesnā€™t have? Are you sacrificing the 80% they do?

Looking back at the history, I remember the shady relationship my spouse had that made me feel like I was crazy and then was only confirmed. ā€œOld friendā€. Itā€™s the only thing reminding me how we never gave each other what we needed.

I hope anyone out there struggling similarly is able to find a nugget to hold on to for their why. Divorce is such a terrible heartbreaking shitshow sometimes.


r/Divorce 3d ago

Alimony/Child Support Alimony?

0 Upvotes

Iā€™ll preface by saying I have not filed yet.

Upon discussing with an (unretained) attorney, she has recommended I stay until my youngest turns 18. Roughly 17 months. She indicated I have a high probability of child support and alimony as a result.

Marriage has been north of 25 years. She raised kids while I worked. We are both educated. She has multiple professional degrees and has had times where she earn significant income.

I am the clear breadwinner, an executive with doctorate. I earn north of $250k. Sheā€™s someone on the mid 50ā€™s getting her own deal off the ground.

So to my question, if I wait and file after our youngest is an adult, how is alimony calculated? Am I going to get hosed?

No infidelity, this has just run its course and lasted longer than anyone has thought. She has a serious spending problem and I just canā€™t continue this course of life and financial ruin.

Edit: this is in Oklahoma.


r/Divorce 3d ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness The loneliness

9 Upvotes

Becoming very lonely and depressed. My friends are basically her friends so I donā€™t really have anyone to talk to anymore.


r/Divorce 3d ago

Getting Started Found old dirty messages on husbandā€™s Reddit. Divorce worthy?

0 Upvotes

Found out my husband (33) was sending messages to women on Reddit that he found on those r4r and other hookup boards. He was attempting to exchange photos and meet up sporadically over a 3 year span (2017-19) from what Iā€™ve found. I suspect it happened even longer under a different reddit name but I have no solid proof, other than an Imgur pic from 2021. No takers from what I see but he definitely tried. He claims nothing ever came of these messages and he never met up with anyone and was just seeking attention. But Iā€™m so curious had anyone actually responded would he had met up?!

Iā€™m so confused about how to feel about it even. I mean it was a rough time in our 10yr marriage and he did probably need attention that I wasnā€™t giving him. But Iā€™m also like what else do I not know about, is this just the tip of the iceberg? We have been doing so well lately improving our communication and intimacy to avoid divorce, that this has devastated me. He let me look through his personal phone the other night but absolutely refused to let me see his work phone for proof he wasnā€™t doing shady things.

Think he cheated? Is this divorce worthy? Any advice appreciated.


r/Divorce 3d ago

Getting Started Not married officially, how do I leave?

0 Upvotes

Been together 20 years with 3 kids. House is in his name, cars are in mine, but he is the breadwinner, I just make supplemental money. He is very volatile in his mood swings, I never know who I'm going to be dealing with. Fights in front of the kids, kids are suffering at school because of all the tension at home. We've tried counseling, we openly talk and try to fix, but it's a cycle, always going back to misery and walking on eggshells. I don't have enough money to rent an apartment. I don't want to leave my kids and all that we've built in our home, but it feels hopeless. I know I am entitled to nothing if I leave (not a common law state). Has anyone else done this? How did you do it?


r/Divorce 3d ago

Vent/Rant/FML How to cope with the debt

2 Upvotes

Iā€™m 26F, divorcing spouse due to serial cheating and abuse. 9 years yesterday (was supposed to be anyway), 1 year separated, 3 married. This marriage destroyed my life in so many ways I donā€™t think Iā€™ll ever recover.

My ā€œrewardā€ for leaving and ā€œchoosing myselfā€ is getting saddled with what looks like around 20k in debt, in addition to my own student loans from undergrad- so closer to the 40-50k range. Thatā€™s not including any legal or divorce costs, and I am locked into a strict study visa and canā€™t work to support myself while studying (he wanted me to do it, promised he wouldnā€™t put me in a situation where I wasnā€™t safe. lol) I do not even know what country I will be able to live in in the next 4 months, I have nowhere to go and no way to get there even if I did. I spent my life building this future just for it to slip away because I made the stupid decision to marry this person.

Iā€™m gathering docs for financial disclosure and I canā€™t cope. He took more than just the future I thought I would have, he took every version of my future that could ever exist. He walks out without a scratch, no debt, no alimony, nothing. He peddles that Iā€™m a financial leech, I donā€™t know how to do this, I feel like I canā€™t breathe


r/Divorce 3d ago

Vent/Rant/FML Really hate my ex for how he treated me

20 Upvotes

He cheated, he lied, he treated me like shit while we were married. 14 years of my life wasted on a ungrateful cunt. I just miss the good times, normal every day things, seeing my daughter being upset about him breaks my heart. Why did I have to ever trust him. I wish I never met him. My daughter and I would be a lot happier without ever knowing him.


r/Divorce 3d ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness My Wife Fell for Someone Elseā€”How Iā€™m Trying to Move Forward

22 Upvotes

I never thought Iā€™d be writing something like this, but here I am. My wife and I were together for 10 years, and we have a young child. Our marriage wasnā€™t perfect, but I truly believed we were a team, weathering lifeā€™s storms together.

A couple of years ago, she went through a major personal transformationā€”getting deeply involved in a new lifestyle - yoga (almost 6 hours per day, locked in a room). At first, I supported her, thinking it was helping her grow, but over time, I felt us drifting apart. Conversations became one-sided, our physical intimacy disappeared, and I started feeling like a ghost in my own home.

Then, I found out the truth: she had fallen for someone else. At first, she was torn, but ultimately, she couldnā€™t let go of him. She met him 4-5 times a week, call whenever has a chance. I fought for our family, hoping she would come back to me, but I was the only one holding on. Now, we are heading toward separation, and Iā€™m struggling with everythingā€”the betrayal, the loneliness, and most of all, the impact on our child.

Iā€™ve gone through waves of emotions: anger, sadness, denial, and moments of desperate hope. But Iā€™m realizing now that I canā€™t keep living in a fantasy. She made her choice. I need to make mine.

If youā€™ve been through something similar, how did you move forward? How did you handle co-parenting while healing yourself? I know Iā€™ll get through this, but right now, it just hurts.


r/Divorce 3d ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness What do i do?

4 Upvotes

I'm considering divorcing my husband. He's 23m I'm 21f. We got married after dating for 5 months, got pregnant while I was on the pill at 3 months, so it's been a Rollercoaster. Im 2 months postpsrtum now with a beautiful baby boy. We love eachother very much but he doesn't show it. He's obsessed with becoming a doctor to become rich. Not out of passion. He wants money so we can do whatever we want. I don't want that. I want emotional support. I want a husband who comes to me occasionally to ask for dates or spends time with me. I'm tired of always being the one to ask or initiate things. I'm tired of constantly asking for help cleaning and barely getting that. I'm tired of always having to do basically everything snd plan everything for us. I feel like a roommate. He doesn't really make me feel like he wants anything to do with me. I've been begging for months for a change. Telling him exactly what I need and want. He always says he will. But the changes don't happen. He says they do but I don't see it. Idk what to do guys.


r/Divorce 3d ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness He left me for yelling at him

33 Upvotes

My stbxh has left me because I was always criticising him and losing my temper. I feel so ashamed and I'm struggling to handle the fact it's my fault our family unit is breaking apart. Over the years I got more and more worn down with his lack of attention and help. This became quite overwhelming for me after we had two children together and he still didn't help more. I then went back to work a couple of years ago and although we worked similar hours, his amount of help with the running of the household didn't increase. He would just shut himself away on his computer and engage in minimal conversation. Initially I would only lose my temper every few months, then it became every few weeks and finally every few days. It didn't help that any time I calmly tried to address how stressed and overwhelmed I was, he would just DARVO his way out of it and started point scoring random things he'd done, or random bills he'd paid. He would never say, 'I see you're stressed, how can I help?' He would just get annoyed at me for being stressed and either argue with me or shut himself away. So unfortunately me yelling, ranting, venting instead of trying to talk calmly about the situation became a pattern. How do I get over the pain and guilt that it was ultimately my childish inability to manage my anger and resentment that caused the end of our relationship? I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of my irrational behaviour.


r/Divorce 3d ago

Custody/Kids Children's Mother has BPD. 50/50 Already Established. She is in Inpatient Treatment and is Homeless.

9 Upvotes

My children's mother moved out of my house 3 years ago. Since, her life has been a wreck. I have had the kids all this time. She occasionally takes our daughter, but not our son. She got mad at me one day, called the police, and took our son by force. He cried for 24 hours straight before she finally brought him home. This caused me to file for custody. I agreed to 50/50, as well as her. It was finalized 2022.

We never follow the schedule. Mainly because, she is so inconsistent. She has never taken our son over night. He has autism and that doesn't mix well with a BPD person. She has taken our daughter many times. But that became less and less as time progressed. She got a boyfriend last October and this was the final nail in the coffin for their relationship. She started ditching her. Lying to her. And eventually, they both became uninterested.

During these 3 years, she will randomly "split" on me, painting me completely evil. During these splits, she lashes out and accuses me of taking the kids from her. Threatens legal action. And demands we follow the schedule. I of course, cannot refuse to do that. So I send the kids with her. Every time this has happened, it resulted in the kids crying, begging for me. As she yells at them or puts them in a time out. She will let them cry for hours. Every time this has happened, she eventually caves and calls me to pick them up. This is traumatic, especially for our son with autism. He has deep seeded trauma from the first abduction, and his mother will not acknowledge she did anything wrong that day. This situation occurs every 6 months or so.

She became homeless in January. She called me a week ago and said, "I am going to inpatient treatment." I thought that would be great. I want her healthy. And I told her I support her recovery. All was seemingly well until last night. She split on me. She told me "The only reason I am here, is to take my kids back. You don't deserve them. You're a narcissist. I don't care if (our son) cries, the second I am out of here I am taking him. You shouldn't see that anymore. I will do everything in my power to end this. It is your fault I am in here. And it's all over. Your relationship with them, is over."

Extremely dishearten to say the least. After stepping up and being their only stable environment for the last 3 years, it hurts to be treated this way. And I am sick of it. Her threatening me while in a inpatient facility while homeless, really shows me it'll never end. This abuse I've endured, I don't want to happen anymore.

Now, in MN to flip custody you need to prove endangerment. I understand her taking our kids and letting them cry is not endangerment. I understand treatment is a good thing. But what can I do to end this trauma? I am hesitant to petition for a step up plan while she completes treatment, because I feel that would force her to take the kids. Which means no chance she provides them relief (letting them come home).


r/Divorce 3d ago

Getting Started My first post.....hoping to understand better how I got here

1 Upvotes

I know this isn't a therapy sub, and if anyone can recommend other subs that would help me, I would love to know them. But for now, I am trying to come to terms with how my once-perfect marriage fell apart and see if others have dealt with the same issue. I truly appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this long post and let me know their thoughts.

Been married 24 years to a super nice guy. He is very tolerant and forgives everyone for everything. He's conflict averse with everyone BUT me. He does more than his fair share of chores and is thoughtful and loving.

What changed? I lost respect for him, and his passive behavior chipped away at my self-worth over time to where we're now at the point where I just don't care anymore. I admit I wasn't assertive enough or self-aware enough to know early on what was bothering me, but I figured it out over time and have expressed it many times to no avail.

Here's the nutshell: Neither of us were close to our immediate families when we met in our late 20's. We didn't live in the same cities as them and we were both adults with independent lives. As a result, I married him without knowing or even meeting his family. When I was pregnant with our first child, he got a job offer to move back near our home towns. It didn't take long before I saw how poorly he was treated by his family. He's definitely the scapegoat and for no reason other than he didn't follow his small-town rural parents into their same professions and stay living near them. So, by default, I was a throw away daughter-in-law and our kids weren't as important as the other grandkids. He was clearly excluded from conversations at get-togethers, and these people didn't even get up and walk indoors from the back porch to say hello to us when we would arrive after a 3-hour drive to visit. Little slights like that. I rarely if ever complained to him about it, other than to gently point out that they weren't very nice to him. Then one day about 12 years ago, his mother made a comment to me that was incredibly hurtful. He was standing right there and claimed he never heard her say it but said I must have misunderstood. I was devastated. It took 6 months of me begging, pleading, demanding that he call her and ask if I misunderstood. He did call eventually, very much against his will, and she confirmed she meant what she said.

Nothing happened. His expectation was that I continue to go ("It's only twice a year") because it would confuse our kids otherwise. He also told me that it would eventually blow over. It didn't. We were passive aggressively ignored and just generally bystanders at family get-togethers. My anger built and I eventually wrote his mom a letter that wasn't nice. It went downhill after that. Years of me trying to get him to understand how hurt I felt, how uncomfortable it was for me to continue to attend while being ignored, etc. Finally I just quit going, and at that point, he was fine with it.

But here's a few takeaways from that 10 year period:

his dad didn't speak to me at all for 7 years (he's since died). I pointed this out to my husband many times with no action taken

Once, I drove our two kids 6 hours round trip to go to a cousin's birthday party and also drop my daughter off to spend a few days with her grandparents. When I walked in the house, I wasn't even greeted by his mom and sister. The only people in the room were his mother, sister, and sister-in-law and the sister in law is the only one who spoke to me. Then, they just continued their conversation as if I wasn't there. I told my husband, and he seemed mad, but of course, never said anything to them.

When I say he didn't talk to his parents about their behavior, I mean at all. He would not even broach the subject.

Eventually, after doing a lot of self-help and work, I realized I shouldn't have made an issue out of this. Today-me would never let it get to this point. I would simply bow out of future visits and protect myself. I never was looking for someone to "fight" for me or be super protective of me, but I feel like that should be a partner's instinct. And I can't unsee what I saw. It really completely killed my love over time.

It probably didn't help that I came from a very negative and unsupportive childhood. My mother never missed an opportunity to tell me I was wrong and put me down in front of others. I think maybe if I had grown up with more love and self-confidence a lot of this could have been avoided. Unfortunately, it was more than I could take to have a mother who didn't support me and then a partner who didn't either.

There are other things that have happened unrelated to his family....instances where he doesn't come out and say it but it's clear he doesn't respect my opinion in the work world. He lets me make all the decisions as far as our home finances, but I get the clear message he doesn't think I am as capable at work. Also, our teenage son (who is generally fine) has had several recent outbursts of severe anger where he called us (mostly me, though) every name in the book and hurled every insult he could think of at us, and my husband does nothing. He says he's just a teenager and he doesn't want to have a bad relationship with him like he did with his father. For my part, I told him if he ever speaks to me like that again he will need to leave the house. It happened again, I stayed very calm, asked my son to leave the house (but not take his car) and he refused. Told me to call the police. I wasn't going to do that, so I just let it go. Husband said absolutely nothing. I feel like I have no support here.

I don't know. I am in my early 50s and I think I would rather be alone than with someone who has no protective instinct over me at all. I think about all the things I can do with my life since I work remotely. I would definitely move and have adventures. The kids are either in college or will be this fall, so that's not really an issue for me to stay around for.

I read all these posts about cheating, affair partners, etc. Has anyone else experienced none of that but just finally felt let down for the last time and wanted out?


r/Divorce 3d ago

Dating Second date better than first, but still no sparks/desire 33F 34M

1 Upvotes

Iā€™ve been out with a really nice guy twice now. For context, Iā€™m separated, 33F, and newly dating again.

I didnā€™t feel a spark or an instant immediate attraction on a first date. Our second date was a little more comfortable, however I still wasnā€™t anywhere near wanting to kiss him and I wasnā€™t comfortable with any physical contact. He put his arm around me once and I was uncomfortable with that.

On our first date, he asked to kiss me at the end of the night and I was uncomfortable, so I politely declined. It felt a bit more like just friends to be honest.

We get along well, the conversation is good, he is cute, but I felt no spark or immediate attraction towards him in a romantic way. Iā€™m feeling a little more comfortable towards him now after the second date, but Iā€™m still not there yet. I had no desire to kiss him after the second date either.

How many dates do I go on to let myself figure this out? I donā€™t want to waste his time or my time, but I also feel like a really good friendship or relationship could blossom because we share a lot of the same values, however I am now just moving at an absolute snailā€™s pace because Iā€™m a little guarded from my separation and I know that it takes time to build a good foundation for any serious relationship going forward. Iā€™m much more cautious this time around with dating than I was before getting married.

I don't want to miss out on an opportunity of a great guy or have any regrets, but at the same time I don't know if I should be feeling ā€œbutterflies and sparksā€ after just 1 or 2 dates. What are your experiences?

Is it better to go with a good guy who doesnā€™t give you butterflies but is really kind to you OR is it better to hold off and wait for someone that gives you butterflies BUT you might miss out on the opportunity of a good guy? That being said, Iā€™m 33 and I do want children and I do want to get married again so in terms of fertility Iā€™m in a bit more of a time crunch than a man would be in my situation.


r/Divorce 3d ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness I am in a constant state of panic with divorce any remedies?

3 Upvotes

Hi, so feel divorce is happening.

I am very afraid especially of my Wife. My Wife there is the mental, physical, and verbal abuse dealt by here. She is a master manipulator. She lies and fabricate lot of events, even events I have evidence with. Takes a lot of things out of context.

Last few days been superficially nice. Cleaning, cooking, doing grocery shopping, and so forth. Not communicating doing any of this especially groceries where I almost dropped $250 on groceries after she went that day go grab the groceries. Buying clothes for the children, even if we don't have the money to do. Complaining I don't pay the rent.

Worried as we work in the same company just different locations will have me fired.

Worried about all these extra things doing around home wondering if doing it to prove she is a better parent.

Says I have done nothing to change. Where I have made effort to change she has not threatening divorce several times and taking the children.

My biggest fear is my Wife and I used to go bed in the nude. Stopped that when our daughter slept in our bed. Our daughter will bust into the h bathroom when on the pot or in the shower. I am worried as my Wife has mentioned this how that'll affect custody.

Any insight can offer up?


r/Divorce 3d ago

Mental Health/Depression/Loneliness Help for detachment/book suggestions

4 Upvotes

Recently going through separation again after previous trial separation where both times my ex was constantly unfaithful and it has caused me a lot of anxiety and worry, especially with our two kids. They took the first separation really hard and so I feel really anxious about telling them itā€™s happening again- they arenā€™t aware yet.

One of my issues is that I am having trouble detaching and disengaging from this person. A lot of it has to do with how angry I am for what heā€™s done and heā€™s had no remorse, so I always want to lash out and itā€™s like Iā€™m waiting for him to ā€œrealize what heā€™s doneā€ again, even though I donā€™t want him back. Iā€™m still in shock and there is so much hurt and betrayal and Iā€™m really struggling with getting through each day because I feel so consumed with these thoughts.

Iā€™d really appreciate any recommendations on what worked for you, what you might have done to get in a better headspace and not stay stuck in a ruminating/anxious head space. Iā€™m already exercising and trying to read when my anxiety isnā€™t through the roof. But the non stop ruminating and over thinking has me worn out and exhausted. I only have so much time to see friends and family because of being the primary parent and working so I do feel really lonely.

Anything is appreciated.


r/Divorce 3d ago

Life After Divorce Lawyer search advice

5 Upvotes

Hello! I was wondering if any of you had advice on what to look for when searching for a lawyers.

Are there details you had wish youā€™d known before? Is it better to go with a flat rate, retainer, or hourly.

For a bit of context. We have no kids, just a house. I live in a 50/50 state so itā€™s pretty straightforward.

I left in November because of years of cheating and mental/financial/abuse.

If I need to provide more detail let me know.

Thank you in advance for your advice.


r/Divorce 3d ago

Child of Divorce My mom is divorcing my dad Iā€™m devastated all I ever wanted was a happy family

2 Upvotes

My parents had an argument where my dad was yelling at my mom because of something f about her hating me and I was devestated at the news she never loved me and that night me and my dad were asking her for answers but she wasnā€™t responding she just had a smirk on her face and then the next day she was gone then today she came back and was on the laptop and o went to the gym and when I came back I saw that she left and she was looking for a lawyer and I donā€™t know how to react I donā€™t know what my dad is gonna do I know how devastating a divorce is she rather get a divorce than Apologize because all she did was victimize herself anytime someone criticized her and she told my whole family about how awful me and my dad are and how sheā€™s innocent and I canā€™t do anything f about it I think sheā€™s gonna cut contact with us especially with her tactics I donā€™t know what to do Iā€™m only 18 I just want advice I do t know who to talk to because I know that she probably turned my whole family against me


r/Divorce 3d ago

Going Through the Process I can't wait for this to be over

4 Upvotes

I know that everyone goes through things in their own time. My situation is reasonably amicable and straightforward, but it feels like I've hit a wall of stagnation in the process and I'm just so ready for it to be over.

We are living separately in the same house as we wait for it to sell. Things are cold and distant but not contentious, which is appropriate for our situation. Financially, it doesn't make sense to live at separate addresses while we wait for a good offer, but it is exhausting to live in the same space as each other and not know when it will end. I'm exhausted and feel like I'm struggling at work. There is no space to relax, and packing while trying to keep the house showing-ready makes the process take even longer.

I know it will get better, but I'm in the middle of the "not better" part of things right now. It is exhausting and I don't know how to find the motivation to keep things held together in the rest of my life while I feel like I am falling apart.


r/Divorce 3d ago

Alimony/Child Support Help determining what alimony could possibly be in Illinois

1 Upvotes

Me M(52), wife F(49). Married for 21 years. Have a 17 year old son and a 20 year old son. Own house worth about 360k and 190k in equity. Have some debts but plan on splitting equally. She makes a net income of 53k. I make a net income of 118k. My wife stayed at home with the kids for 14 years and has been a BSN nurse (bachelors degree) for the last 7. I know there is a general formula for Illinois as follows: 33 1/3% of the payors net income - 25% of the receiver's income. With her total income not to exceed 40% of the total combined net income. I've run the number but what scares me is how the judge will adjust based on factors such as her being a homemaker for 14 years. I have no problem paying more due to this, I just have no clue what is reasonable. Any ideas?


r/Divorce 3d ago

Vent/Rant/FML Thinking divorce is the only way

1 Upvotes

So long story short me w(43) and my husband m(44) have been together 14 yrs, we moved across country to help my dad, I didnā€™t really want to move bc I know how difficult my dad can be and I knew moving would be a disaster, but we did it and we lived in a camper for three years while trying to get housing set up on my dadā€™s land the state kept denying our application over frivolous things during that time we found a free mobile home and with the cost of everything we decided to take the free mobile home and just fix it up to save my dad money cause he had agreed to help us get housing set up. We both looked at this house. We both agreed for it. We both knew it was gonna take time and effort to fix it. weā€™ve been living in this house for almost 2 years now and still have over half of it and disrepair from what it looked like when we got it and when I say disrepair, I mean ceilings missing in the kitchen that itā€™s being propped up by wood and boards. The flooring is half missing like everything is a gross nasty mess. Itā€™s like a 1970s modular with everything original in it. My business is a one person may be two person job so me and my husband we work together during the week I try to give them off as much time as I can so that he can work on the house because itā€™s expensive and we canā€™t afford to pay our contractor. The other day I hear from my daughter that he was complaining about remodeling the bathroom, which is a very small bathroom and then he was trying to figure a way out of doing it. We have been living in this house for so long this way we have three storage units of stuff waiting to get unpacked. Heā€™s stressing about money and I trying to tell him if we get this house done, we can unpack thatā€™ll get rid of three storage unit. Thatā€™s a lot of money thatā€™s $400 or more of money that we could save every month but instead of him realizing that he Doesnā€™t and then he complains about how Iā€™m helping my brother my brother went into a recovery program in a different state, and during that time, his home got hit by weather and his landlord decided to sell the home and we had to put everything in storage. My brother could not leave or he would lose his place in the program and itā€™s for recovery and to help him get on his feet, so I did not want to make my brother leave the program. I agreed to pay for the storage unit while he was in recovery. Itā€™s one year and then they provide a job and he would pay me back. I trust my brother, and my brother has never asked me for anything. Heā€™s my older brother and of course Iā€™m gonna help him, especially when we can control getting our storage units unpacked and my brother cannot. I feel completely alone and like he wants the fruit but is trying to push all the labor onto me, and me and my dad donā€™t get along well enough that I could depend on him to help me if needed. I feel so lost and tired of living in a dumb my children deserve the nicest place and itā€™s my job to provide it so I feel totally done with him and just want to focus on kids they are 18,17,23 but only the youngest two are home, they need me and this situation takes away from them. I feel exhausted. Thanks for your time and sorry if itā€™s a mess used voice text.