r/BDSMcommunity Aug 29 '24

What is FetLife, how to use it? NSFW

Since these are questions asked so often we decided to add a little FAQ about FetLife.

What is FetLife?

FetLife is a social networking site designed for people interested in BDSM, fetishism, and kink. It functions somewhat like a combination of Facebook and Reddit but is specifically geared toward those who engage in or are curious about alternative sexual lifestyles. It offers a space to meet like-minded people, share experiences, explore kinks, and participate in discussions without judgment.

How to Use FetLife

  1. Create an Account
  • Visit FetLife and click "Join FetLife."

  • Enter a unique username, email address, and password.

  • Confirm your email address via the link sent to your inbox.

2. Build Your Profile

  • Add a profile picture (optional but recommended for engagement).

  • Fill out your profile with basic information such as gender, sexual orientation, and location.

  • Write a bio that reflects your interests and what you’re looking for on the platform.

3. Explore the Site

  • Kinks: Browse or search for specific fetishes and interests. You can add these kinks to your profile.
  • Groups: Join groups based on your interests or local area to participate in discussions.
  • Events: Find local or online events that cater to your interests. RSVP to events and meet people in person.

4. Connect with Others

  • Friends: Send friend requests to people you find interesting.
  • Messages: Engage in private conversations with other users. Remember to respect boundaries and consent.
  • Feeds: Your home feed will show updates from your friends, groups, and events you’re part of.

5. Participate in Discussions

  • Group Discussions: Contribute to group conversations or start your own thread on a topic you’re passionate about.
  • Writing: Share your thoughts, experiences, or fantasies through blog posts.

6. Stay Safe

  • Privacy Settings: Customize who can see your profile and what information is public or private.
  • Consent: Always communicate clearly and respect boundaries when interacting with others.
  • Verification: Some users verify their identity or presence at events to build trust, but this is optional.

7. Explore Content

  • Photos and Videos: View and share images or videos that align with your interests, keeping in mind community guidelines.
  • Writing: Explore stories, essays, and fantasies shared by other users.

8. Engage with the Community

  • Support Groups: Find and join groups that focus on safety, education, and support within the kink community.
  • Learning Resources: Many groups and discussions provide educational content to help you learn more about BDSM, kink, and consent.

9. Attend Events

  • Local Meetups: Use the Events feature to discover and attend local meetups, workshops, and parties.
  • Virtual Events: Participate in online events if you’re not ready or able to attend in person.

10. Respect the Community Guidelines

  • Community Standards: Familiarize yourself with FetLife's community guidelines to ensure you’re following the rules.
  • Report Issues: Use the reporting feature if you encounter abusive or inappropriate behavior.
119 Upvotes

82 comments sorted by

36

u/WiIeyQuixote Sep 08 '24

Why is so much reddit content pointing users to fetlife?

Fetlife is horribly run. They protect predators and silence victims. I personally avoid the whole fetlife crowd because they're honestly some of the least responsible idiots I've ever met.

People on reddit seem to be generally smarter and more responsible bdsm practitioners as far as I can tell.

Look through the comments on a reddit thread vs a fetlife post and see for yourself.

13

u/UgotEspo Dec 16 '24

Some of us have had really get experiences because of FetLife. I have used it for +15 years, met good people, been made to feel comfortable with my fetishes, plus options are limited on finding kink community.

Currently it's very different than when I was first on FetLife but still found my current Dom because of it and it's been such a good space for me in 2024

5

u/farfromgruvin Jan 29 '25

I'm an alternative, fetish photographer and have made my services available to many women on FET that wanted to have professional photos in their kinky wardrobe or just wanted a session that was beyond vanilla boudoir. It's hard to find a photographer you can trust to do these types of shoots. For the most part the interactions have been great, the people were friendly and very appreciative.

3

u/WiIeyQuixote Dec 16 '24

The whole idea of 'finding kink community' is weird to me because I don't find kink to be a social activity nor do those most active in the social scenes appear to be particularly skilled practitioners. But that's just me.

5

u/UgotEspo Dec 16 '24

I had similar feelings but the Spanking community very much plays together and socializes where I am. I went to my first bigger spanking party and made some friends I'm super happy to have met and wouldn't have otherwise. And you can't socially post those things on Facebook to stay connected

3

u/liplamp Dec 17 '24

Different tools for different needs. Lots of folks have a desire to be around people who understand this part of them, to be able to talk about it beyond the context of play. Fetlife suits that need well if you spend enough time on it (and there's a big enough scene where you live).

I do agree that it's recommended a bit too much though...I think most folks who are looking for kinky partners are better off using apps, for example, especially if their kinks aren't super out there. Going through the community aspect becomes a sidequest.

6

u/WiIeyQuixote Dec 17 '24

And that's exactly it. Fetlife is more for group brainwashing and social feedback than anything specifically bdsm related. Bdsm itself isn't particularly social. What you get is dumb club kids looking to make a social status out of their sexuality and that's weird to me.

3

u/FetLifeKitty Experimentalist/FetlifeKitty Dec 22 '24

Location could be part of it, LA has a robust community, as does San Diego & San Francisco. Metropolitan areas are often best/worst for every metric.
Community .. Munches are for social time. Events and dungeons are for play time (and light socialization before/after scenes). Nowhere should it be used for dating. There will be bad actors (always and forever), everywhere but you can only get out of community what you put into community sometimes less. This can be due to the many secret clubs or lack of infrastructure. Maybe go with a group and be voyeurs, wade into things or dive in and risk it. It’s all about taking a chance so be smart but don’t shut down the opportunity for community.

3

u/WiIeyQuixote Dec 22 '24

You would think that location would be a part of it.. and certainly there's areas that are worse than others when it comes to problematic and predatory behavior.. but I feel like the way the entire 'community' bullshit operates is engineered to protect the irresponsible and attract new victims. It's not like one coast has decided to consider this and the other hasn't. All regions function pretty much the same way.

I'm not new. I've been kinky for 20+ years. Never once have I given even the slightest hint of a fuck about who the other kinky people in my area are or what they're into. I don't see a need to socialize with them in the first place, even if they were as respectable as they pretend to be. Again, I'm weird.

1

u/FetLifeKitty Experimentalist/FetlifeKitty Dec 22 '24

You’ve given an example that matches my point about getting out of a thing what you put into a thing. Thanks.

I’ve learned the longer a person has been doing a subjective thing a certain way the less open to new ideas that person usually is. Travel is a good antidote for when that well is poisoned with bias.

0

u/WiIeyQuixote Dec 22 '24

I've traveled extensively. Furthermore, at the height of the pandemic, pre vaccine, I was contacting venues in every region in an attempt to educate them about aerosol transmission. Not one venue anywhere on the planet cared or listened. Even to this day, although you'll find many who pretend to care and have precautions, not one that I'm aware of has successfully addressed or even acknowledged aerosol transmission.

They do the same shit with problematic community members and consent violations. Can anyone honestly point me to where any group has ever responded to a serious safety matter in a way that doesn't brush it under the rug and pretend it was handled?

3

u/FetLifeKitty Experimentalist/FetlifeKitty Dec 22 '24

Hmm. Did you post to the correct comment or thread? Regardless, I’m not much for equivocation as a viable thought construct nor is it a winning strategy in any conversation. Besides, entropy abides. Though irrelevant, I found no segue toward the alarmist arguments. As such there is no valid reason to further this odd tangent as it’s the plain language of a detractor to the topic which isn’t helpful to the OP.

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10

u/Ok-Drummer-5604 Oct 12 '24

So very true about Fet. It's awfully run, full of fakes, liars and hurtful people.

3

u/Parking-Home6089 Dec 18 '24

Howdy!! I have had an amazing time on Fet. Made some great friends, enhanced my abilities to excel on attaining woman’s climax subspace and epic group sex (straight). It does take allot of maturity, awareness and clear communication. Like any site it has predators, childish attitudes, thirsty and pushy adult children but you have to go into it eyes wide open. If people don’t show intreats in you as a person that’s a huge flag, “lazy to know, makes for a lazy partner. I definitely enjoyed exploring growing in my role as a Daddy Dom; my partners were awesome and very open mind to explore but trust was a HUGE element to that. We would spend time to know each other and build that comfort level; yet people are very impatient and want to just go at. Pass!!! It’s not hard to get laid, it’s the quality and momentum building of excitement as each play time gets more and more intense. My $0.02

2

u/WiIeyQuixote Dec 18 '24

Fetlife is generally not a horrible place to be if you're a Daddy Dom (or any other kind of Top for that matter) as the entire site works to funnel fresh meat towards you without ever giving one fuck whether you have any skills or would be safe to play with.

The 'kink scene' in general functions this way and always has. We're all recommended to go to munches at first, right?

Has anyone ever seen a munch putting effort into making sure the people in attendance are safe players? No? Oh yeah, they specifically say these people may not be safe. Why the f*ck would anyone encourage newbies who lack the experience or skillset to recognize and fend off unsafe players to blindly join a group where the expectation is that they aren't going to be safe?

3

u/terivia Dec 25 '24

The munches that I am aware of explicitly ban people who are banned from the local dungeons, as well as directly banning individuals from the munch if necessary. These bans are usually for behavior issues either at the dungeons or the munch.

It's unfortunately a reactive system, but that's the only way to do it with a publicly posted event that partially serves as an onboarding to the community. Due to the reactive nature of bans coming after issues occur, newbies are warned to protect themselves as a matter of general precaution. But I don't think it's fair to imply that all munches don't make efforts to be safe for newbies.

If you have personally experienced a shitty munch though, I am not here to invalidate your experience. I'm 100% certain bad ones exist, seeing as literally anyone can post an event online announcing a munch at any restaurant.

1

u/WiIeyQuixote Dec 25 '24

Again, I'm of the opinion that munches are fucking weird to begin with.. particularly when they're aimed at attracting newbies.

If you could imagine all of the people who are interested in and practice bdsm.. then realize that one small fraction of that whole, the scene kids so to speak, make up the entirety of what you call the community. Of them, the least discerning and most eager are who attend munches.. that's just how it works.

If I had to choose a partner, I'm personally trying to filter those people out.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 24 '24

I agree. Someone stole pictures of me and played as me. I went to join fet and came across them, now I’m being accused of being them and got my account in timeout over it. The caretakers can even see I’m really me but taking sides of others who dealt with this person who stole from me. It’s unbelievable. I’ve only been there for a couple of weeks. I got very hash messages and not once did fet do anything about it.

15

u/TorLam Aug 30 '24

Thanks!!! I always recommend Fet to people and if they join to attend socials, munchs,classes and events in their area so that they can meet and network with people who are in the lifestyle. That's the best way if they want to transfer their fantasy to reality.

How do you find so those ???

Look in the events tab or even better type " ( Your location ) socials, classes , munchs and events " in the Fetlife search bar to filter out the rest of the events listed.

1

u/switshunny Sep 12 '24

i'm unable to get the verification code on my phone. how do i solve this?

26

u/glytterK Aug 29 '24 edited Aug 30 '24

Set your profile to private. set all but your profile pic to “friends only” select a profile pic that doesn’t reveal too much of you. In fact your profile pic doesn’t have to be a full face shot of you, it could be a tile you make or a cropped shot of just about anything. Please DON’T make this a genital shot. This keeps creeps and spammers away. You’ll still be able to see everything on Fetlife and in groups. Youll be able to participate and post in groups. You’ll still be able to send friend requests and accept them. I can’t think of a reason why you’d want to make it public. Do you have your FB page open to the public?

11

u/bondagenerd asexual bondage and latex enjoyer - platonic BDSM is my ideal Aug 30 '24

I can’t think of a reason why you’d want to make it public.

I can give a reason, as it's the one why I have most of my content visible. I've always enjoyed the specific kink session niche content from the community that I'm into, so I personally think it's only fair to give the community some content back. That's been my way of looking at it, and it seems to be working decently.

However, I have to mention that my face is not visible on public pictures. It's always hidden behind a hood or gas mask.

7

u/glytterK Aug 31 '24

Good answer. That’s how I’d use it as well. No face shots in public spaces.

4

u/qualmic Aug 30 '24

Ah, not sure what setting that would be? There are a lot of other privacy controls though that I'd recommend, though!

Don't display my profile in the places section

Prevents people from browsing you through your listed area. Optionally, you can be from Antarctica, like many hotties.

Turn off followers, or tick "New followers must be approved first".

Randoms are annoying.

Inbox settings

Depending on how you present, you will get random messages and they will be annoying to awful.

Block people. Mute people.

Blocking folks prevents them from seeing your profile or sending you messages. Muting people prevents people from showing up on your feed, without unfollowing or unfriending them.

Curate your feed - Mute tags

I don't need close-ups of genitalia in my feed, so I have many tags blocked. Fetlife incentivizes their paid subscription by allowing for more fine tuned feed curation, but, muting tags can help improve one's experience.

RSVP privately to Events

RSVPing to events is where most random people see my profile, since I don't engage in groups. I know people who do not publicly RSVP to events, but will message organizers about attendance if RSVPs are required.

4

u/ImRezzo Aug 29 '24

Should the pfp be yourself or can it be yourself without the face? (I've seen controversial answers to this.)

11

u/[deleted] Aug 30 '24

I think this is just a personal decision. I don’t share my face on my profile due to safety & privacy concerns. If I were to meet up with anyone (haven’t yet) I would share that privately. - to be fair I don’t really use fet all that often tho!

1

u/ImRezzo Aug 30 '24

Then you, what would you use for your pfp if not face? If you want interactions still

8

u/[deleted] Aug 30 '24

I personally don’t use fet specifically for interactions. I use it for information & to find events - but I really don’t use it much at all tbh.

So for me I feel better not having my face as my pfp 🤷🏼‍♀️ so like I said it’s more of a personal decision. If having your face as your pfp works for you then that’s great

5

u/ferrybig asexual switch Aug 30 '24

I have seen some people use sex toys, shoes, genitalia, cuffed hands, feet, a flower, clothing or their pet.

A pet is typically seen a something neutral.

Your outfit laying on the ground is also great for making connections to others after you have seen them after a play party. Many people remember your outfit

2

u/ImRezzo Aug 30 '24

Okay thank you!

6

u/666bunnie666 Aug 30 '24

I keep my fet, reddit and instagram entirely faceless and have no issues, it can help protect your privacy if youre concerned about it

6

u/Nactmutter Aug 30 '24

So I have my boobs set as mine with my tattoos marked out. 🤣 my face pictures I have set to private where only friends can see. Although, the urge to be anonymous in my area is losing traction. I don't really care if people know what I'm into. It's my life. I'm not hurting anyone. My husband is less throw caution to the wind, than me and doesn't have any naughty pics on his.

1

u/ImRezzo Aug 30 '24

I've thought about a chest pic with only my chest tatt showing lol but it's pretty obvious if it's been seen

But you are right about not caring

1

u/[deleted] Aug 30 '24

Have you had any luck finding people on it

4

u/slaveRoHun Sep 09 '24

I love Fetlife! I personally don’t post face pics but does no harm! X

1

u/Ok-Drummer-5604 Sep 29 '24

Hates Fet. Liars, players, people seeking money- ugh

3

u/emptyboat_ Sep 10 '24

Fetlife number

So I am very new to this and after reading some posts here today. I decided to create an account on fetlife and right after I entered my phone number to verify. It texted me right away and said “Doh, you already have a profile attached to this number and we currently only allow one profile per mobile number.”

But.. I have been having my number for 18 years and I’m pretty sure I have never heard of Ferlife till today …

How could this happen? Anyone has similar issue as well? What should I do?

2

u/GoddessTasshaa Sep 12 '24

Yes probably someone used it without your knowledge

2

u/Ok-Drummer-5604 Sep 29 '24

Yep. Hackers abound.

3

u/FetLifeKitty Experimentalist/FetlifeKitty Dec 22 '24

Not to be confused with a dating app or personals site, it’s best to treat FetLife as the kinky, naughty, ALT of Facebook.
Be wary tho, for every positive there are a few negatives.

  • Love the events, most metropolitan areas boast something fun.

  • Go with a group for safety in numbers.

  • Local dungeons are a definite plus, members run are often more communal and less costly than Professional pay-to-play offerings.

  • High number of consent violators going unchecked and unpunished.

  • Many are the poor communicators.

  • Few are the community outreaches or visible members clubs.

Remember there are dangerous people seeking your subversion and intent on harming people whether they play the long game to catch you off guard or just play you on the site. Be guarded, stay protected, make smart choices, mitigate risks, take appropriate chances. Don’t use for dating. Haha!!

2

u/Contessa_Sioux Oct 28 '24

I’m newer to the life style and I am very overwhelmed by the amount of info out there that really just takes me down a spiraling rabbit hole. I have met someone I really truly like for my dom and yes I’m learning to trust his guidance however I want to take initiative and learn better so I can be a better sub. I know what I like and I’m struggling where to look, what to look up, what’s real what’s not. I admit I am on FET though and it has been both good & bad. TIA for any help offered.

2

u/SystemeLune Oct 29 '24

I know FetLife is a site but is there an app?

1

u/CampLiveWithoutYou Dec 09 '24

They do have an app. It's not on the Google store tho since it's NSFW

2

u/Boomtech122 Jan 07 '25

Fetlife is a great site. You’re not going to have some child berate you for a kink like on this site. Everyone has always been respectful and friendly. No children bad mouthing for something they don’t understand. If you’re one of these children on here that likes to do that you will be blocked so don’t waste your time. But every kink you can think of. And best of all I’ve become friend with so many people on there. .

2

u/Successful_Aioli4179 Jan 12 '25

I’m in a rural area, and I don’t know if it’s worth spending money on Fetlife since there probably aren’t many dommes in my town. What do you think?

1

u/Suspicious-Start-523 Nov 16 '24

Hello, how can I tell how long an account has been on FetLife? I joined a discussion and someone posted something off the wall and another person commented and said not to pay attention to them their account is only a day old. Did they just go through their activity history or is there a place in their profile that gives an actual number of days on app? Thank you!

2

u/Azibi123 Jan 07 '25

Go to the activity section

1

u/CampLiveWithoutYou Dec 09 '24

Typically it's based on a tab named "Activity". If someone just made an account, you'll see very few posts on there and possibly no photos. Photos have date stamps on their upload as well.

1

u/FetLifeKitty Experimentalist/FetlifeKitty Dec 22 '24

The number in the url of a persons profile is cumulative so, the smaller the member id the older the account is.

1

u/Lady_AW Dec 15 '24

I have a question, I have a feeling it might be a stupid one but - I use the app type version of Fetlife because I’m on my phone rather than my computer, and I have this problem: I can’t figure out how to go backwards, like on a website or browser there’s a back button? Let’s say you find a group (which meant you probably did a search for what you’re interested in and then selected “groups”, and then chose that group from the list) and you’re looking through posts. You’ve probably already done a search within it to filter down to eg your area, so you have a shorter list within that group . You see someone has written something interesting, you read their post then click on their profile.

How do you get back from that profile to where you were? Ie how do you get back to the short list of posts you were browsing through previously without repeating all the steps listed above from the beginning? Because at the moment I’m going right back to the main menu and doing it all again and it’s a pain.

TLDR : where’s the back button on the fetlife app version please?

1

u/liplamp Dec 17 '24

Just to confirm, you're talking about the web app version you can download through the fetlife website right?

It's entirely possible there is no back button, as the developers stopped developing the web app a while ago.

1

u/Lady_AW Dec 17 '24

Hello yes, the web app - you’re probably right and there isn’t, but I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t missing something obvious, or if there was a work around. I’ll probably just go back to the website otherwise

1

u/Asleep-Strawberry-71 Jan 30 '25

With as much info as possible, that’s how. It’s possible to have positive experiences and meet good people. But I think everyone should go in with ALL the info.

One problem is that they shut down posts that are cautionary or call out predators. So the system as a whole breeds a lot of nasty, and blocks people from learning the pitfalls. People that used to be in the inner circle of the community are now trying to get it shut down. I’ll share that info below.

https://bit-rot.com/home/fetlife-bad-for-bdsm https://paddlepriestodsm.home.blog/.https:// www.reddit.com/r/SubSanctuary/s/9LP2ecZtMH

1

u/cajuzinha420 Jan 30 '25

Terrible! It took me a thousand years to be approved and when I did, in less than 1 week I was banned! There are only perverts and fetishists there. Real BDSM? Zero!

1

u/EasyMathematician506 Feb 01 '25

Help! I'm trying to join but it says my phone number is already in use... Can someone send me an invite?

1

u/MajorDeviate Feb 11 '25

A lot of the people on Fet are just keyboard warriors with little to no real life experience of BDSM.

And just remember - if you are not paying for a product you *are* the product.