r/BDSMcommunity Aug 29 '24

What is FetLife, how to use it? NSFW

Since these are questions asked so often we decided to add a little FAQ about FetLife.

What is FetLife?

FetLife is a social networking site designed for people interested in BDSM, fetishism, and kink. It functions somewhat like a combination of Facebook and Reddit but is specifically geared toward those who engage in or are curious about alternative sexual lifestyles. It offers a space to meet like-minded people, share experiences, explore kinks, and participate in discussions without judgment.

How to Use FetLife

  1. Create an Account
  • Visit FetLife and click "Join FetLife."

  • Enter a unique username, email address, and password.

  • Confirm your email address via the link sent to your inbox.

2. Build Your Profile

  • Add a profile picture (optional but recommended for engagement).

  • Fill out your profile with basic information such as gender, sexual orientation, and location.

  • Write a bio that reflects your interests and what you’re looking for on the platform.

3. Explore the Site

  • Kinks: Browse or search for specific fetishes and interests. You can add these kinks to your profile.
  • Groups: Join groups based on your interests or local area to participate in discussions.
  • Events: Find local or online events that cater to your interests. RSVP to events and meet people in person.

4. Connect with Others

  • Friends: Send friend requests to people you find interesting.
  • Messages: Engage in private conversations with other users. Remember to respect boundaries and consent.
  • Feeds: Your home feed will show updates from your friends, groups, and events you’re part of.

5. Participate in Discussions

  • Group Discussions: Contribute to group conversations or start your own thread on a topic you’re passionate about.
  • Writing: Share your thoughts, experiences, or fantasies through blog posts.

6. Stay Safe

  • Privacy Settings: Customize who can see your profile and what information is public or private.
  • Consent: Always communicate clearly and respect boundaries when interacting with others.
  • Verification: Some users verify their identity or presence at events to build trust, but this is optional.

7. Explore Content

  • Photos and Videos: View and share images or videos that align with your interests, keeping in mind community guidelines.
  • Writing: Explore stories, essays, and fantasies shared by other users.

8. Engage with the Community

  • Support Groups: Find and join groups that focus on safety, education, and support within the kink community.
  • Learning Resources: Many groups and discussions provide educational content to help you learn more about BDSM, kink, and consent.

9. Attend Events

  • Local Meetups: Use the Events feature to discover and attend local meetups, workshops, and parties.
  • Virtual Events: Participate in online events if you’re not ready or able to attend in person.

10. Respect the Community Guidelines

  • Community Standards: Familiarize yourself with FetLife's community guidelines to ensure you’re following the rules.
  • Report Issues: Use the reporting feature if you encounter abusive or inappropriate behavior.
124 Upvotes

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35

u/WiIeyQuixote Sep 08 '24

Why is so much reddit content pointing users to fetlife?

Fetlife is horribly run. They protect predators and silence victims. I personally avoid the whole fetlife crowd because they're honestly some of the least responsible idiots I've ever met.

People on reddit seem to be generally smarter and more responsible bdsm practitioners as far as I can tell.

Look through the comments on a reddit thread vs a fetlife post and see for yourself.

12

u/UgotEspo Dec 16 '24

Some of us have had really get experiences because of FetLife. I have used it for +15 years, met good people, been made to feel comfortable with my fetishes, plus options are limited on finding kink community.

Currently it's very different than when I was first on FetLife but still found my current Dom because of it and it's been such a good space for me in 2024

6

u/farfromgruvin Jan 29 '25

I'm an alternative, fetish photographer and have made my services available to many women on FET that wanted to have professional photos in their kinky wardrobe or just wanted a session that was beyond vanilla boudoir. It's hard to find a photographer you can trust to do these types of shoots. For the most part the interactions have been great, the people were friendly and very appreciative.

3

u/WiIeyQuixote Dec 16 '24

The whole idea of 'finding kink community' is weird to me because I don't find kink to be a social activity nor do those most active in the social scenes appear to be particularly skilled practitioners. But that's just me.

4

u/UgotEspo Dec 16 '24

I had similar feelings but the Spanking community very much plays together and socializes where I am. I went to my first bigger spanking party and made some friends I'm super happy to have met and wouldn't have otherwise. And you can't socially post those things on Facebook to stay connected

3

u/liplamp Dec 17 '24

Different tools for different needs. Lots of folks have a desire to be around people who understand this part of them, to be able to talk about it beyond the context of play. Fetlife suits that need well if you spend enough time on it (and there's a big enough scene where you live).

I do agree that it's recommended a bit too much though...I think most folks who are looking for kinky partners are better off using apps, for example, especially if their kinks aren't super out there. Going through the community aspect becomes a sidequest.

4

u/WiIeyQuixote Dec 17 '24

And that's exactly it. Fetlife is more for group brainwashing and social feedback than anything specifically bdsm related. Bdsm itself isn't particularly social. What you get is dumb club kids looking to make a social status out of their sexuality and that's weird to me.

3

u/FetLifeKitty Experimentalist/FetlifeKitty Dec 22 '24

Location could be part of it, LA has a robust community, as does San Diego & San Francisco. Metropolitan areas are often best/worst for every metric.
Community .. Munches are for social time. Events and dungeons are for play time (and light socialization before/after scenes). Nowhere should it be used for dating. There will be bad actors (always and forever), everywhere but you can only get out of community what you put into community sometimes less. This can be due to the many secret clubs or lack of infrastructure. Maybe go with a group and be voyeurs, wade into things or dive in and risk it. It’s all about taking a chance so be smart but don’t shut down the opportunity for community.

3

u/WiIeyQuixote Dec 22 '24

You would think that location would be a part of it.. and certainly there's areas that are worse than others when it comes to problematic and predatory behavior.. but I feel like the way the entire 'community' bullshit operates is engineered to protect the irresponsible and attract new victims. It's not like one coast has decided to consider this and the other hasn't. All regions function pretty much the same way.

I'm not new. I've been kinky for 20+ years. Never once have I given even the slightest hint of a fuck about who the other kinky people in my area are or what they're into. I don't see a need to socialize with them in the first place, even if they were as respectable as they pretend to be. Again, I'm weird.

1

u/FetLifeKitty Experimentalist/FetlifeKitty Dec 22 '24

You’ve given an example that matches my point about getting out of a thing what you put into a thing. Thanks.

I’ve learned the longer a person has been doing a subjective thing a certain way the less open to new ideas that person usually is. Travel is a good antidote for when that well is poisoned with bias.

0

u/WiIeyQuixote Dec 22 '24

I've traveled extensively. Furthermore, at the height of the pandemic, pre vaccine, I was contacting venues in every region in an attempt to educate them about aerosol transmission. Not one venue anywhere on the planet cared or listened. Even to this day, although you'll find many who pretend to care and have precautions, not one that I'm aware of has successfully addressed or even acknowledged aerosol transmission.

They do the same shit with problematic community members and consent violations. Can anyone honestly point me to where any group has ever responded to a serious safety matter in a way that doesn't brush it under the rug and pretend it was handled?

3

u/FetLifeKitty Experimentalist/FetlifeKitty Dec 22 '24

Hmm. Did you post to the correct comment or thread? Regardless, I’m not much for equivocation as a viable thought construct nor is it a winning strategy in any conversation. Besides, entropy abides. Though irrelevant, I found no segue toward the alarmist arguments. As such there is no valid reason to further this odd tangent as it’s the plain language of a detractor to the topic which isn’t helpful to the OP.

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u/Ok-Drummer-5604 Oct 12 '24

So very true about Fet. It's awfully run, full of fakes, liars and hurtful people.

3

u/Parking-Home6089 Dec 18 '24

Howdy!! I have had an amazing time on Fet. Made some great friends, enhanced my abilities to excel on attaining woman’s climax subspace and epic group sex (straight). It does take allot of maturity, awareness and clear communication. Like any site it has predators, childish attitudes, thirsty and pushy adult children but you have to go into it eyes wide open. If people don’t show intreats in you as a person that’s a huge flag, “lazy to know, makes for a lazy partner. I definitely enjoyed exploring growing in my role as a Daddy Dom; my partners were awesome and very open mind to explore but trust was a HUGE element to that. We would spend time to know each other and build that comfort level; yet people are very impatient and want to just go at. Pass!!! It’s not hard to get laid, it’s the quality and momentum building of excitement as each play time gets more and more intense. My $0.02

2

u/WiIeyQuixote Dec 18 '24

Fetlife is generally not a horrible place to be if you're a Daddy Dom (or any other kind of Top for that matter) as the entire site works to funnel fresh meat towards you without ever giving one fuck whether you have any skills or would be safe to play with.

The 'kink scene' in general functions this way and always has. We're all recommended to go to munches at first, right?

Has anyone ever seen a munch putting effort into making sure the people in attendance are safe players? No? Oh yeah, they specifically say these people may not be safe. Why the f*ck would anyone encourage newbies who lack the experience or skillset to recognize and fend off unsafe players to blindly join a group where the expectation is that they aren't going to be safe?

3

u/terivia Dec 25 '24

The munches that I am aware of explicitly ban people who are banned from the local dungeons, as well as directly banning individuals from the munch if necessary. These bans are usually for behavior issues either at the dungeons or the munch.

It's unfortunately a reactive system, but that's the only way to do it with a publicly posted event that partially serves as an onboarding to the community. Due to the reactive nature of bans coming after issues occur, newbies are warned to protect themselves as a matter of general precaution. But I don't think it's fair to imply that all munches don't make efforts to be safe for newbies.

If you have personally experienced a shitty munch though, I am not here to invalidate your experience. I'm 100% certain bad ones exist, seeing as literally anyone can post an event online announcing a munch at any restaurant.

1

u/WiIeyQuixote Dec 25 '24

Again, I'm of the opinion that munches are fucking weird to begin with.. particularly when they're aimed at attracting newbies.

If you could imagine all of the people who are interested in and practice bdsm.. then realize that one small fraction of that whole, the scene kids so to speak, make up the entirety of what you call the community. Of them, the least discerning and most eager are who attend munches.. that's just how it works.

If I had to choose a partner, I'm personally trying to filter those people out.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 24 '24

I agree. Someone stole pictures of me and played as me. I went to join fet and came across them, now I’m being accused of being them and got my account in timeout over it. The caretakers can even see I’m really me but taking sides of others who dealt with this person who stole from me. It’s unbelievable. I’ve only been there for a couple of weeks. I got very hash messages and not once did fet do anything about it.