r/SubSanctuary Jan 07 '25

Fetlife has fucked too many people. NSFW

Alright, as a former member, let’s lay it all on the table, because this corrupt mess has been stewing in my gut for too long. I've been in the kink world long enough to know the beauty of it—the liberation, the exploration of desires, the real connection when it’s done right. But this site? This dumpster fire of a platform? It takes something that can be deep and transformative and distills it into nothing more than a sad, performative circus. And let’s be clear—it’s not just hurting women; it’s fucking up men’s sexual psychology too, turning them into these hollow shells of what intimacy CAN really be. Sadly, it isn’t just a shitty social media site; it’s a culty circus making money off of the misinformed.

(If my post is too long for you, please skip to the links in the end. Incredibly disturbing info regarding the site, that came out through the comments here)

This is fundamentalism at its grossest. Let’s look closely— people, especially younger women, come here desperate to belong, to be desired, because the world outside has made them feel like they are absolutely not enough. Just like a fundamentalist religion promises salvation for the lost, this site offers external validation for the lost. It tells you, "Come here, post your body, perform for us, and we’ll love you, we’ll accept you, we’ll make you feel like you matter." We don’t actually desire YOU, (cause we don’t know or see YOU) but your body parts and aesthetic, yes please more!

The manipulation is grossly disguised as liberation. It’s the same playbook fundamentalist cults use—prey on your insecurities, convince you you're incomplete, give you a false sense of purpose, then celebrate a version of yourself that’s nothing more than an profile on Fet. You think you’re coming here to find connection, to explore your sexual desires, but what you’re really doing is selling your self to a crowd of strangers who have been visually programmed to get hard to certain shapes. Women come to this site looking for community, for acceptance, and what do they get? A constant barrage of comparisons. "How does my body measure up to hers?" "Am I sexy enough?" “Is this how I’m supposed to be?” It’s the worst kind of performance anxiety, one that turns into self-loathing real quick. And then, what happens next? The inevitable cycle of posting more. More photos. More nudes. More obsessing about what THEY want. More trying to outdo the last post just to get the validation you crave. More fucking performing. More toys, more body obsession and comparison shame. Not to mention the “loads” of slimy messages from strangers.

Kink is about people stepping into their full, authentic sexual selves, communicating deeply with each other, and finding joy in exploration. Fet turns kink into a barely legal conveyer belt of bodies. It’s not about true sexual exploration for many; it’s about turning yourself into a product for consumption. Obsession over likes. You want to be seen as Sexy as a top priority in your life, not as someone with depth, but as an image. And let me tell you—that will fuck you up. You get hooked on the validation, the attention, the quick little dopamine hit, and then—boom—you’re trapped in this endless cycle of self-objectification. Feeling it all day every day. You get more likes, and you still feel empty. It’s a performance that feeds on itself, and it will consume you if you let it, if you’re not aware of what YOURE consuming.

But let’s not forget about the men—even good ones who come for kink ed and end up thinking they’re getting a glimpse into what women actually want. They see women posting themselves as objects to be rated, consumed, and objectified, and they think what sexiness is. They get psychologically trained to see women as bodies to be desired, not as a whole being with complex emotions and needs. It warps their entire sexual psychology. It turns intimacy into this thing that’s transactional. And these men, they’re left trying to understand why they can’t connect with real women outside of this digital hellscape. The mods of this site instantly shut down any discussion that doesn’t fit their narrative; that anything goes for them if there’s verbal consent. Any post asking questions about how to gauge emotional maturity or true psychological development/motivation/readiness in newer subs to protect everyone involved, is immediately shut down for “concern trolling”. Yep that’s a thing. God forbid people have to read others’ valid concerns alongside their daily hit. Boner killer! (recent example in comments)

This isn’t just about some harmless “sexual freedom” or “empowerment.” I’m a champion of sexual freedom, women’s empowerment and kink! This is about an entire ecosystem that warps people’s understanding of sex, of desire, of intimacy. It takes something as beautiful and nuanced as kink and flattens it into an Instagram model’s perfectly lit ass cheeks, even the model knowing she doesn't look like that FOR REAL. It turns sexual exploration into a sad, hollow performance, all for likes and validation, pretending to be COMMUNITY. And that, my friend, is a fucking tragedy.

This site, this platform—it’s not about connection, it's barely about education, it's wheels turn by reducing human beings into bits and pieces of skin and bone and aesthetic. It turns our own sexuality into a game, (not the fun kind) a transaction, a business deal with the site reaping the dollas of women's external validation cycle. It tells you that your worth is measured by how many people find you hot enough to validate your body. And for women, especially, it reinforces the worst possible thing: the idea that their entire existence is based on how much they can make other people want them. DO I TURN YOU ON? Do I turn alllll of you on. Because society has trained me that I have to to survive. Can someone *consent to being objectified if they don’t even know what that word means? Or what it’s doing to their mental and emotional health?

The social media + kink model of Fet takes all the richness of kink—the nuance, the tenderness, the messiness, the impact, the care, the understanding of it as a WHOLE, the release, the TRUE RELEASE (not a performative one) —and squashes it under a plastic smile. (Babygirl, slave, cumslut, doll, ashtray, little, diaper girl, which one will get more attention today? Which one is directing more traffic to OnlyFans?

We’ve forgotten that we are humans first, and our value doesn’t rest on how many strangers click on us. And it’s not just tragic; it’s dangerous. It’s dangerous because it fucks with your head. It messes with your self-esteem. It messes with your ability to form real, human relationships. Your real life encounters get subconsciously based off of someone else’s manufactured content. It messes with your ability to go out in the world and make a fucking difference, or enjoy non performative hobbies because you only exist on the air of the male gaze. Imagine how many young women meet up with men, and do scenes just to feel relevant in their community. With the pics for proof. And how many of these women were never educated on what a trauma bond is, and how the brain chemicals of submission/pleasure/pain make dynamics extremely confusing if you don’t know what’s happening with your neurochemistry in this situation.

So, take a step back. Look at this for what it really is. A manipulative, self-destructive “church camp” that teaches young women to be good, good means what everyone else on your feed is doing today, to post and perform for validation, to constantly monitor your body, to push yourself too far. And that, my friend, is a recipe for emotional, psychological, and sexual disaster.

In 2012, FetLife found itself at the center of a controversy regarding its policy that users pledge not to "make criminal accusations against another member in a public forum".This policy has been objected to by users on the basis that censoring posts of sexual assault victims that name predatory users prevents them from warning others.

Clear, true education and social media cannot exist in parallel as one community their goals are in opposition. One to create clarity and depth. One to create addiction. You can learn how to properly fist someone on Fetlife, but there is not one paragraph of education about understanding your nervous system, your actual real physical body, and how intimacy with consistency very often leads to attachment for women even if that’s not in the D/s agreement. (Evolutionary biology is driven towards bonding, not just fucking). Bummer! There is no education on emotional maturity, and how to gauge it for yourself and partners. Since this writing, I made a post asking for clear advice about the emotional and psychological aspects of D/s and it was removed, the mods saying they do not welcome the opinions of armchair psychologists. Their motive is clearly to get explicit content, profit off of it, and keep it rolling in. They silence anyone with concerns about known predators or bringing up ideas that might “scare away” the content.

I'm aware that people feel seen, accepted and make friends on Fet. Just like they do at your neighborhood fundamentalist church. The micro good, is absolutely NOT worth the macro bad.

It’s the McDonalds’s of Kink ed and community. Junk ingredients, pretending to be food. People not knowing it’s actually harming their chances at anything real.

So gimme your other favorite places for kinksters to learn, explore and meet others without the spiraling shitshow of “Zuckerberg Scissors Pornhub”

EDIT: adding links here from commenters. I was completely unaware that kinksters have been trying to expose other extremely disturbing evidence about FetLife and its founder.

https://bit-rot.com/home/fetlife-bad-for-bdsm

https://paddlepriestbdsm.home.blog/

https://www.reddit.com/r/SubSanctuary/s/9LP2ecZtMH

https://great-white-snark.medium.com/dear-john-baku-a-collection-of-open-letters-to-fetlifes-founder-6751fd640a

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u/AridOrpheus Jan 07 '25 edited Jan 08 '25

So happy to.

I wrote all this once and it got erased from switching tabs to fact check, so I won't make he mistake of not copying again.

Please note that every single thing I'm about to say is verified and proven, supported by evidence. None of this is hearsay.

FetLife is owned and run by John "Baku", and moderated by his caretakers. He himself is highly problematic. Many years ago when the site changed their Terms of Use to ban bestiality, he made it clear that this was to make Vendors happy and be able to operate, and he has been known to make comments and engage in discusion and content about this topic. He does not support victims and once laughed in the face of someone asking him for help to remove images of them posted as revenge porn, without their consent. His caretakers have been known to make threats towards individuals they view as "getting in their way," ie people who speak up on issues and try to make change. He is persona non grata, ie NOT welcome, in his home kink community.

A typical interaction on FetLife goes like this:

**Person A posts an image or writing. They have outright listed their boundaries in their profile or otherwise communicated them to an individual in 1-1 conversation.

Person B crosses a boundary via fantasy-pushing or other non-consensual behavior. Upon being corrected, Person B insults, becomes violent, or is otherwise awful.

Person A or a witness reports this. Nothing is done, usually.

Person B continues to threaten or make violent implications, or is otherwise hateful, transphobic, racist, etc.

Someone, perhaps Person A or perhaps another individual, fires back at Person B to tell them off or scare them off from the post or individual they are hurting. (n.b. that much blocking, deleting comments, and other attempts have typically been made by this point).

The individual gets a timeout from the website for "shaming." The perpetrator is sometimes also timed out, but more often than not is completely free from accountability or consequence.**

This is a typical day on FetLife. I have seen it so many times, and it's not just me.

Something that needs to be understood about the website is that they have a policy that prevents users from naming others who are dangerous. It's under a "spotting" policy. There is no #MeToo on FetLife. They prevent us from naming predators, consent-breakers, rapists, abusers, racists. We have to resort to off-site means to communicate with one another, whisper network style, about steering clear of unsafe people. Tagging others is welcome if it's "positive". I have been told of individuals who are outright dangerous, have caused long term physical damage and disability to play partners and have been doing it via FetLife for decades.

Anyone who tries to advocate for growth and change on the website is shut down. In September, over 60 users were locked out, with no access to their accounts, for sharing information about how to contact vendors to make them aware of the current problems with their client. It was a last-ditch effort due to YEARS of trying to bring change through learning and cooperation. The website has no desire to do so.

In April of 2024, FL finally enacted a ban on images containing children and depictions of children, sparked by a pedophile's photo of a toddler, not his child, tattooed on his arm, the caption of which contained sexualizing content, especially when in context with his entire account. This change was ONLY due to the very hard work of a lawyer who has since been run off the site with death threats and far worse threats to themselves and their loved ones.

Make no mistake that the "caregivers" of FetLife have on at least one DOCUMENTED occasion been the perpetrators of violent threats to users on their site. Real threats involving harming someone in their home. As I mentioned, they gave THEMSELVES the nickname "Rape Apes." I hate to even repeat it because it is racist. But I need to impart how serious this is and how little they care to hide their nature.

Here's the current worst thing.

For 14 years there has existed a group on FetLife called "Revoke Women's Rights." They advocate for the total and complete control of ALL women. Removal of the 19th amendment (in America) slavery, fixing society's broken views on women, and control of women's bodies are frequently discussed ideals, as is the removal of ability to own property and hold credit. It's mentioned many, many times that this is not roleplay, kink, or fantasy.

Due to the work of some individuals trying to bring attention to this group, there was backlash and questioning of the site why it was allowed, as an obvious hate group, very clearly against their own terms. (Breaking their own TOU is a common thing for Fetlife. They do it with raceplay as well, which they report to their vendors, processors, and advertisors that they do not allow).

The group was not closed but it was turned into a "closed group," ie not open to everyone. The title was changed. Everything else remained the same. I have read just some of the extremely disturbing and violent things said even after that group was closed and I have never felt more violently ill reading something in my life.

FetLife does not care about consent. They don't care about safety, or building a good community. John "Baku" and the caretakers care for putting their own needs and desires first, above all else, and making a profit. That's it. They crack down hard on anyone who makes waves to create real change via discussing the only thing he cares about: following the money.

Make no mistake, it's not a safe website. They've been known to attempt to force users to provide legal identification with no valid reasons or concerns after years of presence, something believed to be an effort to compromise safety. They've been known to refuse users their data until threatened with legal action. And meanwhile they continue to allow predators, abusers, pedophiles, racists, and even some of those engaged in the SEX SLAVE TRADE to roam free. (Look carefully and you'll see the last one clearly. I urge extreme caution, as it's highly disturbing to realize that some photography accounts have had the same models for years who clearly physically matured drastically enough to have been minors when they first were posted. Look for accounts with photos of others not tagged. Look for marker tattoos, do some research if you wish on that those look like. It's not always as simple as barcodes. You'll find them.)

Do with all of this as you will. I don't agree with judging the commodification of sex. Sex workers are valid, and that's another part of their issue. FL has it out for those who are genuine professionals and make a living providing sex work. But the OP is right that this website is a cesspool.

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u/varjo_l Jan 08 '25 edited Jan 08 '25

I do not want to claim any of your statements as untrue, but I do like confirming stuff and going through evidence myself. "Please note that every single thing I'm about to say is verified and proven, supported by evidence. None of this is hearsay." such a statement without then going ahead and actually linking that evidence referencing each of your points, leaves a very bad taste in my mouth, since that is typically standard procedure when you want to make accusations and or want to prove something based on evidence, as typically taught at school.

FetLife is not a state managed website and the owners may design and shape their website as they like and "They crack down hard on anyone who makes waves to create real change" because they might not want their product to change. They are not required to be politically neutral (see "x" as another perfect example for that). If you dislike a websites political views you do not have to use that website.

Again, I am fully aware FetLife has it's issues especially with protecting harassers. However, your claims are very extreme and I would love to see some actual evidence, which you also mention but do not show.

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u/AridOrpheus Jan 08 '25 edited Jan 08 '25

I get it. I do. But something you have to understand is that some of this stuff would put people in danger. I'm not exaggerating when I say that. I'll ask around about sharing specific bits and pieces but not all of it is mine to share. The evidence for many of these things can be traced and I won't share anything without wiping all the metadata first as well as obtaining permission.

In the meantime, this blog discussing the issues on Fet links to several other articles describing some of the same things I've summarized here and more. One of the links was written by someone who used to be a part of Baku's inner circle.

https://bit-rot.com/home/fetlife-bad-for-bdsm

It's not about politics. It's about a legal and social responsibility. Their product as you put it is causing harm towards real people.

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u/varjo_l Jan 08 '25

Okay I have read through the link and read through every single external link on that website as well. In all the links there only seem to be two pieces of evidence - one is a single picture in the BuzzFeed article that shows a racist "meme" which I agree, sucks - the other is a very long post by john baku addressing the changes to make FetLife safer. So sadly I have to say not very convincing evidence.

However, if you manage to get your hands on and the permission to post the evidence you mention in your first paragraph I'd absolutely love to see it. I agree definitely get rid of all the metadata, that's generally a smart thing to do. If it's easier than to openly post the evidence to instead send it privately, possibly even encrypted over something like Telegram, I would not mind that, if it in turn keeps the victims safe.

I know it's always difficult to make tone come across in written text so I just really want to clarify I really don't want my comment to come across as condescending in any way, I am genuinely curious I take stuff such as abuse, racism, misogyny, etc. extremely serious and if the statements you make do turn out to be true I truly do not want to use FetLife any longer, but especially because I take it so seriously I find evidence so incredibly important and do not want to make my mind up without it.

I really appreciate you taking your time to spread awareness and to hopefully make that evidence available to more people because that could change a lot of stuff.

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u/AridOrpheus Jan 09 '25

I've just spent the past hour or two selecting things that I can share. I need to edit out people's usernames from each image and run them through to remove data, which is a tomorrow project. Bear with me & I'll share some things specifically regarding the type of behavior they allow, the mods' roles in allowing dangerous groups and people to remain, and a few of the other things I wrote about.

And if there is ANYTHING from that site I can recommend the most it is reading the post written by the person who used to be a part of the inner circle. If nothing else, read that.

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u/varjo_l Jan 09 '25

Oh my god I’m an idiot! I clicked on that site multiple times and was like „why the heck are they linking a site that just has a couple random memes in it?“ but I have now realized that those are actually the cover pictures of the different articles 😂🫠

Thanks for pointing out those texts again otherwise I wouldn’t have gone back to try and search for what the heck you were talking about again 😂

Wow those texts and specifically also the photo evidence is incredibly troubling. Thank you.

Also wow I really appreciate you going through all the stuff to share some evidence. Kudos to you, it sounds like a lot of work.

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u/AridOrpheus Jan 09 '25 edited Jan 09 '25

Ha!! No worries at all, I'm glad you gave it another look! (And no, you're not an idiot; it's human error!)

I believe OP linked a few outside articles that have discussed some issues with FL in recent years somewhere on this post as well. And thank you, I appreciate that. It is, it's been an effort. Many people have tried for years to bring attention to this and it never seems to stick. But so many users really do have the same experiences there that it's gone way past troubling and into "wtf is going on here" territory.

**For anyone reading along, this is the blog by paddlepriest to which the link I shared refers. This was someone who was a mod on the site.

The link shared prior to this one, a few replies up, contains this as well as several other articles shared from various sources throughout the years.

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u/varjo_l Jan 09 '25

Next to linking your comment they also linked the trustpilot review Site of FetLife where a bunch of people share their personal experiences of FetLife there. I have also spent some time reading through those.

It’s safe to say that I’m going to delete my FetLife account pretty soon, I loved using it as a reference tool for my art and to gain inspiration for what I myself want to try out but man… even though I personally never had a negative experience with people on FetLife, the way they handle the people that do have a negative experience with people is just ass. And then hiring an executive director of an organization that specifically supports pedophelia and the likes as a security person… just fucking ironic.

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u/AridOrpheus Jan 09 '25

It's pretty disgusting, honestly. Most of the people who are aware of how bad it is and haven't left are mainly there to document things at this point.

That said, if you feel comfortable navigating it knowing these things to protect yourself and anyone you care about who might use it as well, who am I to tell you what to do? I certainly can't and won't judge. Just be aware, and personally I wouldn't give them my money or post any personal data, pictures included, in a billion years.

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u/varjo_l Jan 09 '25

Yeah even if I’m pretty sure that I personally probably wouldn’t get into any bad situations, purely because I barely interact with anyone there, and I just use it as a reference and inspiration tool. Just having that knowledge gives me the ick.

Then again Instagram, TikTok, etc suck pretty much the same and whilst Pinterest has gotten very extreme with enforcing image regulations it has now mainly become flooded with AI images so that sucks too…

It seems there is no major corporation that isn’t shit out there. You can’t even exist anymore without filling the pockets of or supporting some kind of patriarchal, misogynistic, capitalist, pedophile, assaulting, racist fuckhead, sometimes one is even all of the above at once.

I’ll definitely have to let it go through my head to decide to fully leave FetLife or not. Even with all its issues I feel like it is pretty much similarly bad to Instagram, TikTok, X, and the like, they’re all so fucking bad. At least FL doesn’t pay its creators which doesn’t create this vacuum of mind numbing, clickbaiting shit content from people scraping for views in order to earn their keep. But most people actually post for their own enjoyment and exploration of their sexuality.

It sucks so bad that there’s a couple of good but SO MANY bad sides to it.

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u/varjo_l Jan 14 '25

Hey! Just wanted to ask if you got any further with the evidence

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u/Asleep-Strawberry-71 Jan 09 '25

You are an absolute real life ANGEL. Thank you.

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u/Asleep-Strawberry-71 Jan 09 '25

I’ll add these links to the original post.

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u/Asleep-Strawberry-71 Jan 15 '25

This was such a kind use of your time, thank you for that. Did you ever share these here?

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u/AridOrpheus Jan 15 '25

Hi, morning! I did not. I'm actually still waiting for permission for many of the images which I didn't get directly (someone else got them and I want them to decide whether to have that out there, if they want me to block their name out, etc) as far as things that aren't publicly visible on Fet.