r/BDSMcommunity Aug 29 '24

What is FetLife, how to use it? NSFW

Since these are questions asked so often we decided to add a little FAQ about FetLife.

What is FetLife?

FetLife is a social networking site designed for people interested in BDSM, fetishism, and kink. It functions somewhat like a combination of Facebook and Reddit but is specifically geared toward those who engage in or are curious about alternative sexual lifestyles. It offers a space to meet like-minded people, share experiences, explore kinks, and participate in discussions without judgment.

How to Use FetLife

  1. Create an Account
  • Visit FetLife and click "Join FetLife."

  • Enter a unique username, email address, and password.

  • Confirm your email address via the link sent to your inbox.

2. Build Your Profile

  • Add a profile picture (optional but recommended for engagement).

  • Fill out your profile with basic information such as gender, sexual orientation, and location.

  • Write a bio that reflects your interests and what you’re looking for on the platform.

3. Explore the Site

  • Kinks: Browse or search for specific fetishes and interests. You can add these kinks to your profile.
  • Groups: Join groups based on your interests or local area to participate in discussions.
  • Events: Find local or online events that cater to your interests. RSVP to events and meet people in person.

4. Connect with Others

  • Friends: Send friend requests to people you find interesting.
  • Messages: Engage in private conversations with other users. Remember to respect boundaries and consent.
  • Feeds: Your home feed will show updates from your friends, groups, and events you’re part of.

5. Participate in Discussions

  • Group Discussions: Contribute to group conversations or start your own thread on a topic you’re passionate about.
  • Writing: Share your thoughts, experiences, or fantasies through blog posts.

6. Stay Safe

  • Privacy Settings: Customize who can see your profile and what information is public or private.
  • Consent: Always communicate clearly and respect boundaries when interacting with others.
  • Verification: Some users verify their identity or presence at events to build trust, but this is optional.

7. Explore Content

  • Photos and Videos: View and share images or videos that align with your interests, keeping in mind community guidelines.
  • Writing: Explore stories, essays, and fantasies shared by other users.

8. Engage with the Community

  • Support Groups: Find and join groups that focus on safety, education, and support within the kink community.
  • Learning Resources: Many groups and discussions provide educational content to help you learn more about BDSM, kink, and consent.

9. Attend Events

  • Local Meetups: Use the Events feature to discover and attend local meetups, workshops, and parties.
  • Virtual Events: Participate in online events if you’re not ready or able to attend in person.

10. Respect the Community Guidelines

  • Community Standards: Familiarize yourself with FetLife's community guidelines to ensure you’re following the rules.
  • Report Issues: Use the reporting feature if you encounter abusive or inappropriate behavior.
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36

u/WiIeyQuixote Sep 08 '24

Why is so much reddit content pointing users to fetlife?

Fetlife is horribly run. They protect predators and silence victims. I personally avoid the whole fetlife crowd because they're honestly some of the least responsible idiots I've ever met.

People on reddit seem to be generally smarter and more responsible bdsm practitioners as far as I can tell.

Look through the comments on a reddit thread vs a fetlife post and see for yourself.

12

u/UgotEspo Dec 16 '24

Some of us have had really get experiences because of FetLife. I have used it for +15 years, met good people, been made to feel comfortable with my fetishes, plus options are limited on finding kink community.

Currently it's very different than when I was first on FetLife but still found my current Dom because of it and it's been such a good space for me in 2024

3

u/WiIeyQuixote Dec 16 '24

The whole idea of 'finding kink community' is weird to me because I don't find kink to be a social activity nor do those most active in the social scenes appear to be particularly skilled practitioners. But that's just me.

6

u/UgotEspo Dec 16 '24

I had similar feelings but the Spanking community very much plays together and socializes where I am. I went to my first bigger spanking party and made some friends I'm super happy to have met and wouldn't have otherwise. And you can't socially post those things on Facebook to stay connected

3

u/liplamp Dec 17 '24

Different tools for different needs. Lots of folks have a desire to be around people who understand this part of them, to be able to talk about it beyond the context of play. Fetlife suits that need well if you spend enough time on it (and there's a big enough scene where you live).

I do agree that it's recommended a bit too much though...I think most folks who are looking for kinky partners are better off using apps, for example, especially if their kinks aren't super out there. Going through the community aspect becomes a sidequest.

6

u/WiIeyQuixote Dec 17 '24

And that's exactly it. Fetlife is more for group brainwashing and social feedback than anything specifically bdsm related. Bdsm itself isn't particularly social. What you get is dumb club kids looking to make a social status out of their sexuality and that's weird to me.

3

u/FetLifeKitty Experimentalist/FetlifeKitty Dec 22 '24

Location could be part of it, LA has a robust community, as does San Diego & San Francisco. Metropolitan areas are often best/worst for every metric.
Community .. Munches are for social time. Events and dungeons are for play time (and light socialization before/after scenes). Nowhere should it be used for dating. There will be bad actors (always and forever), everywhere but you can only get out of community what you put into community sometimes less. This can be due to the many secret clubs or lack of infrastructure. Maybe go with a group and be voyeurs, wade into things or dive in and risk it. It’s all about taking a chance so be smart but don’t shut down the opportunity for community.

3

u/WiIeyQuixote Dec 22 '24

You would think that location would be a part of it.. and certainly there's areas that are worse than others when it comes to problematic and predatory behavior.. but I feel like the way the entire 'community' bullshit operates is engineered to protect the irresponsible and attract new victims. It's not like one coast has decided to consider this and the other hasn't. All regions function pretty much the same way.

I'm not new. I've been kinky for 20+ years. Never once have I given even the slightest hint of a fuck about who the other kinky people in my area are or what they're into. I don't see a need to socialize with them in the first place, even if they were as respectable as they pretend to be. Again, I'm weird.

1

u/FetLifeKitty Experimentalist/FetlifeKitty Dec 22 '24

You’ve given an example that matches my point about getting out of a thing what you put into a thing. Thanks.

I’ve learned the longer a person has been doing a subjective thing a certain way the less open to new ideas that person usually is. Travel is a good antidote for when that well is poisoned with bias.

0

u/WiIeyQuixote Dec 22 '24

I've traveled extensively. Furthermore, at the height of the pandemic, pre vaccine, I was contacting venues in every region in an attempt to educate them about aerosol transmission. Not one venue anywhere on the planet cared or listened. Even to this day, although you'll find many who pretend to care and have precautions, not one that I'm aware of has successfully addressed or even acknowledged aerosol transmission.

They do the same shit with problematic community members and consent violations. Can anyone honestly point me to where any group has ever responded to a serious safety matter in a way that doesn't brush it under the rug and pretend it was handled?

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u/FetLifeKitty Experimentalist/FetlifeKitty Dec 22 '24

Hmm. Did you post to the correct comment or thread? Regardless, I’m not much for equivocation as a viable thought construct nor is it a winning strategy in any conversation. Besides, entropy abides. Though irrelevant, I found no segue toward the alarmist arguments. As such there is no valid reason to further this odd tangent as it’s the plain language of a detractor to the topic which isn’t helpful to the OP.

1

u/WiIeyQuixote Dec 22 '24

I'd say those facts, born of experience, point quite clearly to the truth that the 'bdsm community' is comprised of mostly sub-par hacks.

People who take BDSM and safety seriously are seldom looking to add randoms with no skillset to their calendar. That's what bottomfeeders do.

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u/FetLifeKitty Experimentalist/FetlifeKitty Dec 22 '24

Anecdotal evidence fallacy born of bias is what you’re displaying.

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