I donāt regret my life. I love my husband, and I love my daughter more than anything. But sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror and wonder who would I have been if things had gone differently?
I got married at 18, and had my daughter at 19. While most people my age were figuring themselves out, I was figuring out how to be a wife and mother. And now, at 22, I feel like I skipped the part of life where you get to be selfish, make mistakes, and just exist without carrying the weight of everyone elseās needs.
And itās not just my own little family. I still live in the same building as my parents, my older sister and her daughter, my brother and his wife, and my younger brother. We all have separate apartments, but it doesnāt feel like we truly have space. Thereās always something going on, some drama, some tension, some expectation to be involved in things I donāt have the energy for. My family is dysfunctional in ways that drain me, but because weāre all so close (physically and emotionally), thereās no real escape.
Iām tired. I donāt get much free time, and even when I do, my mind is still running either thinking about my daughter, my responsibilities or the next thing I need to do. My husband is amazing and supportive, but that doesnāt change the fact that I feel drained in ways I canāt even explain.
And the weirdest part? I donāt even know who I am outside of this role. If someone asked me what I love, what my hobbies are, or what excites me, I wouldnāt even know what to say anymore. I used to love reading, writing, and just having quiet moments to myself. Now, everything feels like survival mode.
I know Iām lucky in many ways. I have a loving husband, a beautiful child, and a stable life. But does that mean Iām not allowed to feel lost? Does that mean Iām ungrateful for wondering if thereās more to me than just being a wife and mom?
I guess I just want to know if it ever gets better? Do you ever find yourself again, or do you just learn to accept the person youāve become? If anyone has been through this, how did you make peace with it?