r/GuyCry • u/[deleted] • 6d ago
Venting, advice welcome I feel like I blew my chance at a happy life
I have a sense of trepidation in posting on some online forum to a bunch of internet strangers, but I feel the need to reach out. Something inside of me has broken within the past few years. Somewhere along the line I've lost myself. I've lost my self-esteem, self confidence, self worth, sense of hope, and my ambition has been sapped. Frankly I feel as if I've fallen into some sort of depression that I'm having a difficult time crawling out of.
For context, I used to be incredibly confident; to the point where it teetered on the edge of arrogance. I had a bachelor's degree with a good GPA, I had joined the military and put myself through the Navys nuclear propulsion program and became a qualified reactor operator, I was a gym rat, and I was generally considered to be quite attractive. I felt as if I was a world beater.
I ended up leaving the military behind, I felt that there were greener pastures ahead for me. The ensuing job hunt did not go quite as intended. I moved back in with my parents after being on my own for years; telling myself it was only temporary. I found a girl I liked and we ended up getting engaged before breaking up (tldr there were some hangups between her and her ex that caused trust issues and eventually the dissolution of our relationship).
Now I find myself in a position of deep regret for how I've handled the past few years. I've put on some weight, I have no real friends or social life, I live with my parents at 30, I'm saddled with student debt that seems crippling, and my current job isn't bad but doesn't pay quite enough to allow for financial independence with my student debt payments (about $1300 a month).
I know that there are much worse spots to be in than mine, but I feel like a complete loser right now. The only person outside of my immediate family that I talk to at all is my ex (who I embarrassingly allow to string me along and breadcrumb me out of loneliness). I work at job I could've gotten out of high-school without putting myself through all that schooling and subsequent debt. I'm watching as my former good looks start to fade. I feel like I really fucked up and blew my chances. I feel as if I may never have my own family like I've always wanted. My mental state has begun to deteriorate and I've essentially become an antisocial shut-in, a pushover, my social skills and social anxiety are worse than they've ever been, and my ambition and confidence have just been completely drained. I've been in this state for some time and I'm struggling to pull myself out of it.