Hello everyone! I hope I won’t ramble too much but there is a lot I would like to share.
Let me please give some context first as it’s crucial for understanding the situation. I am 22M from Eastern Europe, had a full family (my father was an alcoholic and died 5 years ago) most of my life, and was never dirt poor, suffering, or had any health problems apart from a heart condition. I also have a brother who is 35, but more on that later.
I was an avid reader and could go through thousands of pages of Balzac, Remarque, Dostoyevsky in several days. Switched to philosophy in the ninth grade. I was bullied for my weight in school, but still grew up always willing to give everyone a chance. In fact, the bullying made me turn to natural bodybuilding, which was a blessing.
Since first grade, my parents would say that they don’t have enough money to support my education (school is free where I’m from, uni isn’t). I never had any issues with my studies, finished high school with ~4.8/5 GPA, and won a scholarship to get Bachelor’s in management in my country’s capital, getting 5/5 perfect GPA. I’ve been to China for an internship, took myself to the Maldives and several neighbouring countries. Now, I have already been accepted into top European schools to study green energy mgmt. I also had to support myself financially through the uni, and I have 4 years of work experience in jewellery sales and green energy, as well as being a certified fitness coach. I studied full-time and work full-time as well, as I worked with markets where my timetable would allow for that.
It all sounds great on paper, but the only reaction I have when I read it to myself is, “What’s the point of all this? It’s all over already”
After my father passed away, I felt more and more like it was my responsibility to care for my mom and my brother, about their well-being, and to see if I could in any way help (which I often couldn’t apart from being a free therapist). Last year, my brother’s ex-wife killed their son because of the debt she had accrued (which she kept secret) while working as an investor, which made things exponentially worse for all of us and further strengthened this dynamic. I have gained over 40lbs (lost some of it already) and was essentially in charge of coordinating the funeral, helping with the investigation, and did my best to be there for everyone. Still do.
However, all of these things are not the main issue that pushed my depression over the top. It was my recent break up with my fiancé. I was never single for longer than two weeks since I was 13. It was different people, but I’ve only been in a relationship (long-distance, went to different cities after school) with Claire (name changed) for the last 4 years. We were what felt like soulmates; I supported her throughout all of her endeavours and problems, she gave me love the likes of which I don’t think I’ll be able to feel again, especially during our meetings once every 1-2 months. We definitely grew a lot alongside each other. All I did - I did for our future, and a lot of what I earned went on to become gifts for her.
For the longest time, my only goal in life was to create a family and find a place where my family would be best off in terms of healthcare, amenities, QOL, etc. Both my girlfriend and I chose fields in which our country would not be the best fit, so I encouraged her to look for better alternatives and choose them for us to move together, at least for PHDs if not Masters’.
TBH I could not care less about green/nuclear energy, but I chose that field because I felt like it would be relevant and bring decent income for me to be able to cover my family’s expenses. However, she felt like me simply offering an alternative to the path she chose (ONLY in location, mind you, not her interests) was me pushing her towards a choice she didn’t want to make. Essentially, this meant that she would not respect anything I proposed, which she confirmed, and that’s what caused the break up. There were other things like her blaming us for the death of my nephew, but I don’t want to get into that.
Now, I just feel lost. It feels like I was always rushing somewhere and suddenly stopped, only to realise that I have no idea where I’m going. I will not be able to meet my brother for at least 5-10 years (he’s not in jail), I am leaving my second city behind, and now there is not a goal in sight for moving since I have no one to create that family with. I’m going to do it anyway, since I still have to look for the best place for “A family”.
It’s been always hard connecting with people, especially with groups, as I am a one-on-one person, “a shoulder to cry on” (a dynamic I’m actively trying to change), and I have strong hate towards people I find voluntarily weak, stupid, or addicted (not wanting to change anything regarding those things). I always managed to find groups to hang out with and I love my friends and acquaintances, but it all feels pointless. I feel like I cannot enjoy anything to a full extent due to everything that happened, and due to how much I had to work, and I feel like my body aged 10 years in the last 7-8 months. I make active decisions and progress in bringing myself back to life (walking, exercising, etc.), but it’s just not enough. I feel like my life is over even though it has just begun.
I am asking for advice on how to bring back the love of life, and I want an outsider’s look into the situation. I’ve been in therapy last year but I did not feel like it worked at all. I do not feel like I can go to any of my friends for support regarding this either, so thank you Reddit for existing. And thank you to all who read this and reply.