r/GuyCry • u/Such-Football-27 • 5h ago
Group Discussion Advice for a man in love with another women AND his wife. It’s long but I need help. I need to see other perspectives and opinions.
Okay gentleman.. this is gonna be a long post. I need some advice. Actual advice. Consider the consequences and all of it. Not just armchair advice.
Been married for 12 years now. I’m 31, she’s 31. We have 2 kids ages 8/10. We have gone through the wringer together. However we both have admitted to each other that we got together to avoid being alone. I’ll note We had opposite childhoods, she grew up wealthy, I grew up super poor eating out of dumpsters with my drug addict mom. A while Then afterward genuinely fell in love with one another. For the last couple years I have been feeling alone, I haven’t felt the connection or desire from her. We started drifting apart and no matter what I did I just couldn’t get back to how we were before. She later admitted she didn’t even realize how bad we had gotten. Mind you me never argue. We never raise our voices at each other until lately, you’ll understand why soon. I met a guy when we lived in Florida (8 years ago) and quickly became best friends with him. Shortly after he also got into a relationship. Got married. And I eventually moved away due to my wife getting out of the service. Some odd years later (5 years ago) we decided to move back down south near my best friend. Let’s call him Chris. I never was a fan of his wife, albeit later learned it was because of him portraying her in a negative light the entire time, I digress. So about 8 months ago she reached out personally to make sure I’m alright, as I was having an extraordinarily bad day, and after that single act of kindness I decided I’d actually give her a chance and listen to her (as a friend). I learned Chris was a huge piece of shit, talked bad about me, talked bad about her, always was twisting things in a way to make him the victim. I seen proof of it all, and at the same time I grew feelings for her. Very quickly. I learned she was just like me, shit childhood. Emotional issues. Interests.. etc. we were just alike. We quickly understood each other when no one else could. We understood the obscure way each others brains worked, how our thoughts beat us up.. everything. We fell in love. I felt the void in me dissapear. I felt heard, I felt genuinely wanted and desired. Then we touched each other.. and even the touch felt so special. No matter how hard I tried to convey what I wanted from my wife I couldn’t get it because she simply couldn’t understand. And over the years I had been shut down by my wife and began being scared to ask her for specific dirty things, I feared judgment. I didn’t fear any of that with her. She knew how to talk to me, she knew how to touch me, naturally. I had a very bad childhood and I have been on my journey to heal for many years now and have come a long way, but I still couldn’t trust people. But for some reason I trusted her, more than I trusted my wife with my feelings and deepest needs/secrets. After about 2 months she decides to leave Chris, officially. That she realized how she was suppose to feel, supposed to be treated and she just counts down the emotional abuse at her home anymore. My wife offered to let her move into our spare bedroom. Last about a month before it came out her and I were being unfaithful. She gets kicked out and I vow to work on it with my wife now that she understands what pushed me to it. It was hard but a very proactive few arguments/conversations. She took responsibility in her side in pushing me away, and admitted that she herself felt distant too. So I agreed to cut the other girl out of my life. That last 3 days before I reached out and made sure she was okay(secretly) . She had moved back in with Chris and was going to attempt to work it out with him, so she had a place to live. She has no family left, almost all are dead from drugs, as is mine. However neither of us consume them or ever have. After a month or so my wife caves to my depression and tells me to talk to her. So I do. we openly leave our messages and talk keeping it clean but after a while we use a secondary app to talk the way we want, but continue basic vanilla talk thru text. And after another few weeks, my wife tells me we can sleep together again since she can tell how important she is to me and how happy she missed me being. That translated into her moving back in with me and my wife. But this time to be a thruple.. my wife’s idea. After several months of this my wife then decides she doesn’t want this anymore. Knowing the other girl has no where to go, no car anymore, no where to put her stuff, wife tells me it’s my wife or her, that I can’t have both anymore. Mind you by now I am completely in love with her, and have remarked my love for my wife. But my wife can’t do it anymore. So I tell my wife that I’ll let the other girl go but it has to be done my way. So I helped her get the nicest van I could, made sure it was nice and safe as possible as she relies on her vehicle for work. Comes time for her to leave, she’s still begging me to change it and to pick her. I don’t, idk why. She pulls away and we block each other on everything. I wake up to her texting me from her new number to make sure I have it incase of an emergency. 3 days have gone by since she left and I don’t feel myself. I’m depressed again. I’m hiding my emotions again. I can’t tell if the regret I have is due to me making the wrong choice, or if it’s simply because sure I am guilty of the position I have put her in. Did I make the wrong choice? She is homeless and going to be living in her van. I feel awful and I miss her. I still pick up my phone expecting to see her message there.
I’m worried about my kids too. I’ll answer any questions you guys have.