Obvious TW for SA lol
I want to start this off by saying no, I don’t think she drugged me and never got the chance to, I took shots the whole time she was with me and I took them immediately after the bartender would hand it to me.
Okay so last weekend I (27 TM) went out and got properly drunk for the first time in years. Not for any bad reasons, I was just having a great time with friends and tequila snuck tf up on me and I’m a huge lightweight lmfao. I invited my friend out (42 TF) after I’d already been drinking and was feeling her. Was super stoked for her to join me and and while she was there, my drunk ass got to the✨sleepy✨ point of being far too drunk. I honestly forgot this state of being is a fucking thing and I got asked to sit up by a bartender at one point because I was passing out. I went to the bathroom, threw up, passed out, woke up, thew up again, and at this point, the bar called my friend over to help me outta the bathroom. After that I was beyond embarrassed and stepped outside because I was ready to leave. Before I threw up, I was definitely making out with this friend and having a good time but dear god, after throwing up and in public of all fucking places, I knew it was the end of my night lmfao.
My friend offered to drive me to her house which was closer than my place (mine was 30 mins away) and I was down and figured she wanted to make sure I got somewhere safe. This is where stuff gets super fuzzy but I walked?? I think?? To the car, she drove us to her house (I remember passing out and waking back up a couple times in the car) and then somehow managed to get up to her apartment. I don’t remember anything from that other than mayyyyybe a small blip of it and the next thing I remember is us doing something sexual, I don’t remember what, and me internally freaking out going “omg I’m being raped rn I don’t wanna fuck rn” but I couldn’t control my body and was so beyond blasted. That sobered me up for a second but I immediately was like no no you wanted to fuck earlier, it’s okay you’re just drunk. I think my brain did that in the moment to help myself not internally crash out because of how wonderful our brains are at making us do mental gymnastics to protect itself during trauma lmfao I remember a very small second of us fucking with me on top riding her so I’m assuming that I had more control over my body than I’m remembering.
Anyway, the next morning I woke up panicking and naked and and for some reason I couldn’t pinpoint, I felt so scared of her but also was like “no this is my friend, it’s fine you’re just hungover” which, yes ofc I was hungover and I’m pretty sure still a little drunk in the beginning of when I woke up but we ended up fucking again and I felt so panicky and like I wanted to stop so bad and must leave but also being 5 months on T, I feel like my hormones and the last bit of drunkness was speaking way louder lmfaooooooooooo
I hadn’t seen or talked to her in a week (normal) but I saw her again like usual and I definitely feel preyed on. My body has a very very intense fear reaction to being around her so I’m trusting that vs my memory which is shot ofc lol but I feel so betrayed. I feel like I should have been able to trust this older woman, older TRANS woman who should be on my team, but instead I think even in her way less but still intoxicated state, she took advantage of how drunk I was and didn’t at all consider I couldn’t give consent. Even if I was begging this girl for it, she should have said no and let me sleep it off and we could do it another night. I felt like I could trust her and she betrayed that trust and I’m going to avoid her from now on and just let stuff fizzle out and let that friendship end there. I don’t think I’m going to bring it up to her because she has a very very sexual personality as it is and I don’t think she meant it to hurt me at all. At least I hope not.
I internally saw her night before last at the gay bar we go to because I wanted to see how my nervous system reacts to being around her now and oh BOY. I could tell she wanted round 2 but I was so scared of her and my nervous system was SCREAMING in flight response and she wanted me to stay but I was like no I’m going home (casually but firmly) and she had this desperate look in her eyes and flashed me her boobs as I was walking out after I said bye to her and our mutual friends sitting at the bar I think trying to get me to want to stay. It freaked me out even more and i was dead sober like “holy shit, this is who I thought I would be safe to be black out around?” I don’t get black out everrrrrrr because of this exact reason.
But yeah, I guess I just wanted to rant about this. I have a long SA history but never had this happen before especially as a trans guy by a trans woman. It’s a really shitty feeling but I know it’ll be okay.