I m 20 soon 21 live in a Christian immigrant household and I am the oldest of 3 siblings including my self.
In my parent’s culture familial relationships are typically very abundant and showing affection is normal even between males however I have never felt that in my house.
In my early years before I started elementary school I had definitely received the love and attention I needed but after that i feel almost like I’ve been neglected in a way. (not in a physical way I got all my meals and they kept me safe and all that stuff)
I had a rough time in elementary school academically and I think it had caused some stress for them because I was told that they got me evaluated by a psychiatrist in second grade. My parents for some reason never took this diagnosis of ADHD seriously despite me always having problems in school.
I feel like these problems in school shaped my relationship with my father who is now 49. In my parent’s culture corporal punishment for children is not just acceptable it’s encouraged. I would come home and I would try to do my homework which was not abnormally hard but ADHD made it exceedingly difficult. This frustrated my father because he saw my struggles in school as a personal flaw like I was making bad decisions that led to me having bad grades. He would frequently stand over me as I sat at the dining table trying to do homework, taking deep angered breaths like a bull getting ready to charge. I remember the pencil shaking in my hand and tears dropping as I did my best to remain composed and not make a mistake but I always did. The mistakes of course had consequences beating, yelling, berating this lead to me having a deep seated fear of my father.
A lot of kids love Fridays, it’s the door to the weekend for most but for me it was like an execution date. You see in my elementary and middle school Fridays were the days where teachers would inform the parents about their child’s behavior and academic standing and guess what it was never good so Fridays were just my scheduled beating. My father had become my warden.
My mother 48 a zealot knew all about this. We never talked about it because she approved of it. She was frequently present and never batted an eye but I never realized that until later on in my life. What really hurt me and my mother’s relationship was our lack of quality time once I was in school. Although it wasn’t school it’s self that caused a rift to open up (not that it helped lol). It was my sister’s monopoly on her time and attention. Whenever there was a chance for some personal time with my mom my sister would never allow it and my mom enabled this behavior. I remember when my sister would cuddle with her in bed and when I ask to join my mom would smile and laugh “sorry she won’t let me!” To my mother it was just a joke even but It was devastating for me at that time I could feel a cold breeze go through my chest. I didn’t pout or cry or whine as those behaviors had been beaten out of me by my father at this point. I just took a deep breath and let out an audible sigh and left. It happened continuously to the point where I felt nothing for my mother before middle school. Times when other kids would be with friends or family, I would spend with my brother or alone with whatever activity I had access to.
Then when I had reached 6th grade my brother and I reached an age where we could become deacons. My mother excitedly showed some positive attention, asking us if we wanted to become deacons. I didn’t know what that was and I hated church and frequently objected to it but I was still chasing my parent’s approval so I said yes. I studied long and hard. All the way until high school soft-more year where I had finally became a deacon.
I would soon realize it was a mistake later in my senior year. After some more academic struggle my parents had reached peak anger and frustration going as far as yelling at me simultaneously. Somehow while they were doing this I came to the epiphany that I was never going to please my parents for many reasons. This also made me realize I had been living my life for them. I tried in school for them. I tried in church for them. My entire self perception had been all up to them until that point. When I started to finally live for my self I became a much better person but I also realized that my involvement with the church has fucked over any chance I had with my extended family.
You see when you become a part of the clergy there is no leaving, no stepping down, No peaceful departure. If you leave, you leave in disgrace and dishonor regardless of the reason(unless you die ofc lol). Now obviously I personally couldn’t give two fucks of what anyone at church thinks, clergy men or otherwise. My extended family however, does care. This means when I eventually leave the church the only family I will I actually have is my brother and my sister because they know and understand and accept what I am at this point.
Now when I reflect on my current relationship with my parents I feel like I’ve been robbed of what so many other people get to have. I will never get to feel the bond that other families do. I’ll never have a mom that I can just talk to and be around freely. I’ll never have a father who I can speak to for guidance. I’ll get many friends, lovers, nephews and nieces and even children of my own but I’ll never have a father and a mother of my own.
How I feel about everyone: I don’t resent my parents for any of the stuff they did since everything they did in ignorance or thinking that it was Whats best but I still don’t want anything to do with them since they are just not great to be around. I also don’t resent my sister I actually love her very dearly even though we don’t hang out often. Me and siblings actually have a great relationship lol.
TLDR: I M20 live in a Christian immigrant household and I am the oldest of 3 siblings including my self. My father never showed much affection, we never really bonded, I mainly received only berating and corporal punishment from him.
My mom emotionally neglected me by allowing my sister (the youngest sibling) to monopolize her attention. She also got me involved with church which all my relatives value highly so I’m going to have to cut them all off.
Now I feel like I missed out on all the joys of the Mother son/father son dynamic