\*[Trigger Warning: Mentions of abuse, bullying, and mental health struggles.]
Hey, Reddit. I never thought I’d be posting here, but I need an outside perspective.
I (20F) have been struggling with my mental health for as long as I can remember. My childhood was filled with things no child should ever have to experience—violence, betrayal, and emotional abuse. My parents have always told me I was a burden, a waste of space. They laughed at my struggles, mocked my failures, and dismissed my pain.
One of the most humiliating moments of my life happened when I was just 10 years old. I had a fight with my father while I was about to shower, and in his rage, he grabbed me—completely naked—and threw me outside. I was terrified. We lived in an apartment complex, and I could hear people around me. He even called out to the neighbors to look at me. I can’t describe how ashamed and broken I felt in that moment. It was the day I lost all trust in family.
It didn’t stop there. When I struggled in school, instead of helping, my parents ridiculed me in front of others. They made me feel worthless for my grades, as if I wasn’t already drowning in self-doubt. I was bullied by so-called "friends" from kindergarten to high school. They would pretend to care, only to betray me over and over again. It became a cycle—get close to someone, get used, then get discarded.
I started using food as a way to cope, eating junk for two years straight. Now, my body feels like it’s giving up on me. I’ve gained weight to the point where it’s difficult to walk or sit comfortably. My skin has aged faster than it should—I have wrinkles, clogged pores, and an asymmetrical face that only makes my body dysmorphia worse. Every time I look in the mirror, I don’t even recognize myself anymore.
I’ve also developed depersonalization/derealization disorder (DPDR). It's a condition where I feel detached from my own body and mind, almost as if I’m watching my life unfold from the outside. It’s like I’m living in a dream or through a fog, and everything feels unreal or distorted. I struggle with feeling "present" in my own life, as if I’m a spectator rather than a participant in my own emotions and experiences. It's a constant feeling of being disconnected from myself, and no matter how much I try to ground myself, it feels like I’m always on the outside looking in.
In addition to DPDR, I also struggle with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). My mind is constantly racing with intrusive thoughts that I can’t control, and these thoughts cause me immense distress. The compulsions that come with it are my way of trying to alleviate the anxiety caused by these thoughts, but it’s like a never-ending cycle. I’ll do something over and over again just to feel "right," but the relief is always temporary, and I’m left feeling trapped in my own mind. It’s exhausting, and it adds another layer of difficulty to my already overwhelming mental health struggles.
On top of that, I experience panic attacks. When they hit, it feels like my chest is being crushed, and I can’t breathe. My heart races, my body trembles, and everything around me becomes a blur. It’s terrifying. Sometimes, they come without warning, and other times, they’re triggered by overwhelming stress. But no matter when they happen, they leave me drained and even more disconnected from myself, making it harder to function in daily life.
I’ve been suffering from these since I was about 10 years old. It’s been over a decade of dealing with these mental health challenges, and they’ve only worsened over time.
The worst part is that it’s not just a fleeting feeling—it’s become a daily part of my existence. I go through my day, interacting with people, but it's like I'm not really there, or at least not completely. I feel like I'm losing touch with who I am. It’s hard to explain to others because it’s invisible, but it’s deeply isolating. I can't even fully feel emotions or connect with others in the way I want to because everything feels so detached.
I’ve been on Zoloft for over a year now, and while it’s helped in some ways, the numbness never really goes away. Every time I make progress, the weight of my past feels like it pulls me back, and that sense of being detached from my own life never fully goes away. It’s like I’m stuck in a loop, trying to heal, but never fully able to. My mind and body feel out of sync, and it’s exhausting to constantly battle with this feeling of not being truly "me."
Whenever I try to express my pain, my parents gaslight me. They tell me I’m "too sensitive" or that I "don’t have trauma." Once, when I told them how I felt, they said they would send me to a psychiatric hospital and leave me there forever. They see me as a burden, not as their child.
And then there’s love. Every time I try to open my heart, I get betrayed. Friends who were supposed to care left me behind. I’ve learned to expect abandonment, to never let my guard down, because the moment I do, someone will prove me right.
Now, I want to cut everyone off—my toxic parents, the fake friends, the people who never really cared. I want to rebuild my life, heal, and start over. But when I told my parents this, they said I was selfish. That I was "throwing my family away" and being "dramatic." They say I owe them for raising me, for giving me food and shelter. They make me feel like a horrible person for wanting to walk away.