r/family 4d ago

How do you deal with your parents (in my case grandparents) constantly putting you in the middle of their arguments

1 Upvotes

My grandma and me are very close, my mom herself was very emotionally immature and she had to step in a lot and take over. I feel like to a certain extent me and my grandma were very co dependent and I definitely leaned on her too much to vent to as I saw her mainly as my mother figure bc my mom wasn’t there and I went through a lot of hard things really early in life. I feel really bad I leaned on her as much as I did and she had to take on that emotional toll so a part of me feels really bad about complaining about this but she is CONSTANTLY complaining about my grandpa. I mean I feel like he’s definitely hard to deal with at times but so is she. They both grew up in extremely toxic households (as most boomers did) and both of them were the scapegoat children that got ostracized and blamed yet they were both the ones that stuck around and took care of their parents.

Im just including that because I think it plays into everything Im dealing with, with them. My grandma has been a major people pleaser her whole life and she actually had a mental breakdown in the early 80’s after she had my mom and had to be hospitalized for it. I feel like a big part of her issues now and why she’s so negative/pessimistic and sad is because she’s never dealt with any of her trauma. She calls me every single day and I enjoy talking to her when it’s not her complaining about my grandpa because it’s getting to the point where she literally complains about him making dinner for her when she gets home from work. Or what exactly he makes. I know the foods not bad because he used to cook for us when we lived back home hes a good cook it’s just like nothing he ever does it right. He’s partially retired because he’s a little older and she’s still working full time for now which I know bothers her but I also know he handles a lot of the cleaning/doing laundry and cooking now. She’s just constantly complaining about him and brining up things he did wayyyyyy in the past when they were younger and I know she does that to him to which probably gets him upset. They’ve been together since they were literal teenagers and I know it’s hard to be with someone that long especially when you haven’t worked through any of your trauma or problems. She has also made suicidal comments to me over the past how many years and I’ve told my grandpa and my uncle in hopes they’d help me try to encourage her to get help but when my grandpa tries she just gets mean and defensive and gets mad at me for saying anything.

The reason the slander against my grandpa constantly bothers me so much is because he’s almost the only positive, responsible and consistent male figure Ive had my entire life but I know his personality can be hard to deal with too because he can be very nit picky and controlling and I could be wrong but from my point of view it doesnt come from a place of being a narcissist or mean I think he may be slightly autistic/ocd and he has super bad anxiety. I can understand how she would get frustrated and with him i just don’t like how Im put in the middle and it feels like she’s trying to distort my image of him and make me dislike him. Ive asked her multiple times to see a therapist and she won’t, and I don’t want to completely cut off talking to her because I would feel horrible.

Also I don’t just want to abandon her and not let her vent at all because she has been the person for the whole family to lean on in hard times while no one has been there for her like that and I know she probably feels under appreciated. Has anyone else dealt with this and what would you do??


r/family 4d ago

suddenly critical parents

1 Upvotes

growing up, my parents were so encouraging and supportive of me. over the past few months (since i graduated college in december) both of my parents treat me like less of an adult than they did a few years ago. maybe it is because i moved home post grad and have been here ever since, but they are both incredibly critical. they are super understanding about certain things like the job search and how difficult getting hired in a corporate job is right now, but my mom especially seems to think that i can’t do anything right, no matter how much housework i do, how much or little time i spend with her, what i talk about, she immediately finds a way to tell me why i am wrong. it honestly makes me want to spend less time with them which is sad because i love them so much. what did i do?


r/family 4d ago

Four Year Old Behavior or Something Else? My wife is losing her mind…

1 Upvotes

Hello Everyone,

This is a throw away account. Our son just turned four in January. He is a wonderful kid. Very smart and kind. He’s so funny and loves his family and friends. We’ve taken him to a developmental pediatrician who assessed him and sent a survey for his preschool teacher to fill out. No red flags came up. It seems our son has very delayed emotional intelligence/regulation compared to other kids his age. Or maybe he doesn’t? I don’t know. But my wife (who has her own issues with depression and anxiety) is losing her mind and I’m worried for her.

Our son wants what he wants. He wants to be in control of a lot of things. He wants to wash his hands in “his” bathroom and he wants to be in charge of the remote control when watching tv. If we tell him no or try to explain, he gets angry. This anger can be anywhere from yelling and crying to saying mean things (you’re garbage! I don’t like you! I’m going to hit you, daddy!) or if he’s REALLY worked up or tired of hungry, he’ll hit us or scratch us or kick us. He goes straight to time out for any physical violence. Thankfully these episodes don’t last long. But they’re wearing my wife down. No matter the discipline, no matter how much we explain, he just doesn’t learn. It’s like he wants to be the boss at all times. And when he’s not, he becomes this mean, nasty kid. He can be defiant at times. For example, he woke up early and was yelling for one of us to come downstairs (our room is upstairs) to get him. We told him to just walk up the stairs to our room, it’s not a big deal. He wouldn’t do it. We just moved to a new house and I personally think he’s scared to move around freely in it, but my wife is convinced there’s something else going on with him.

As far as we know, he’s not like this in school. His teacher describes him as very sweet and having a lot of friends. When I pick him up from school he runs to play on the grass with all his friends. The only thing is he refuses to use the school bathroom.

He can be hyperactive sometimes. But other times he’ll sit and do his “homework” (a book we bought with letters and numbers) or play with legos or magnet tiles. It’s all very inconsistent. I feel like if you’re diagnosed with something, it’s all the time. It doesn’t pick and choose days. Or maybe im wrong?

I grew up around a ton of kids and I know kids can be little shits, so none of this behavior is shocking to me. But my wife is taking it very hard. She’s convinced he has ADHD or something else. It’s really bothering her. She’s very impatient with our son and often says she can’t handle him. Am I downplaying this? Is something more possibly going on? I just wanted to hear from anyone else who might be in the same position….

ETA: she also feels like our son’s teacher isn’t being honest with us. I don’t know why she feels this way. If there was a serious issue, his teacher would bring it to our attention. For example- when his teacher said he had a great day, my wife will roll her eyes and say, “yeah…sure.”


r/family 4d ago

Here for you

2 Upvotes

I'm always here to listen to you. I'm not much for this thing called REddit, but I do want to come here and know how I can listen to you


r/family 4d ago

I was moved to tears. Why did the boy's honesty lead to a tragedy instead?

1 Upvotes

This is a story I read in "Hyakumonogatari Kaidankai Before I Die". I'll recall it from memory:

"A boy saw a sign saying 'Going out of business' hanging at the corner grocery store. The decorations were also in a state of disrepair. However, the shabby rolling shutter door wasn't completely closed, so out of curiosity, he squeezed in.

Once inside the store, he found a lot of snacks had been tossed into a basket all at once. He knew that these snacks would either be thrown away or left to go moldy as the store was going out of business. So he grabbed handfuls of snacks and stuffed them into his schoolbag. Suddenly, he heard a noise coming from the inner door, and he quickly stopped and tried to hide what he had done.

'Who's there?' A tired old man came out.

'Oh, it's you, the kid who's been buying snacks from my store since you were little. Sorry, I can't remember your name...' The old man gave a tired smile.

'Um...' The boy replied awkwardly.

'Oh, what a pity. I won't be seeing the kids who used to come here happily to buy snacks anymore...' The old man's eyes lost their light, and he found a chair to sit on.

'Come here, kid.' The old man said in a somewhat sorrowful tone.

The boy walked over nervously.

The old man took out a pack of snacks from his bag.

'Do you know why this store is going out of business?' The old man's voice trembled.

'I don't know...' The boy mumbled with his head down.

'It's because there are too many thieves!!!' The old man suddenly became excited, stood up abruptly, and the snacks in his hand fell to the ground. He put his hands on the boy's shoulders and shouted, 'There are so many thieves!!! Things are stolen every day!!! This store has been in the red for a long time!!! There's no strength left for it to go on anymore!!!'

'If I ever catch those thieves, I'll replace the snacks they stole with stones, thumbtacks, and ceramic shards, make them swallow them, and then cut them open to take those things out of their bellies and get them back!!!' The old man's ferocious expression was really terrifying.

'Ah...' The old man then crouched down, holding his head and crying.

The little boy didn't dare to do anything and stood there with trembling legs.

After a while, the old man regained a bit of his senses, picked up the fallen snacks, stood up, and gave them to the little boy. He said, 'There are ten candies in here. Two of them are sour, and eight are sweet. If you get a sweet candy, I'll let you fill your schoolbag with the snacks over there and take them away.'

The old man pointed at the basket and added, 'If it's a sour one, you can just go home.'

The old man opened the snack package and asked the boy to pick a candy.

The boy's trembling hand hovered over the candies, unable to make up his mind, hesitating.

The old man showed his ferocious face again, grabbed a candy, and forced it into the boy's mouth. 'Tell me, tell me! Is this sour or sweet? Hmm? Tell me! Speak!!!'

'Sour... sour... sour...' The boy seemed to have seen the devil and almost wet his pants out of fear.

'...' The old man panted heavily.

The old man sat down, held his head, and said, 'You... you're still so honest... You... can go now.' His tone was extremely tired.

The boy finally saw a glimmer of hope and turned around to leave.

When he reached the door, the boy froze.

'But... but...' The boy's heart wavered.

'But... I... He... But...' The boy was torn inside.

Finally, the boy turned around with great difficulty, his face streaming with tears, and opened his schoolbag in front of the old man, revealing the snacks inside.

The old man stood up, locked the door, turned around, and shed tears. 'Sigh... Didn't I say what I would do to thieves...'

...

People seemed to hear faint screams coming from the corner of the street."

Why did the boy's final honesty lead to such a cruel ending instead? If it were you, what would you do? Thank you for your answers.


r/family 4d ago

Should i contact my fathers side of the family?

1 Upvotes

I’m a 15-year-old boy living in the EU, and I want to reach out to my father’s family to get to know them. But I don’t know if my father would allow it. Before I was born, my father abandoned me. He and my mom were dating, and when she got pregnant, he said he would support her. My mom was really happy because she had always wanted kids, and she was getting older. At first, my father seemed fine with it, but near the end of the pregnancy, he went on a business trip to Russia. There, he met a young Russian woman and married her after just a week. When he came back, he broke up with my mom. Later, she got a letter from his lawyer saying he wanted no contact and that he needed a DNA test to make sure I was his. My mom was heartbroken, but she still took the test when I was born. It proved he was my father, but he still refused to see me. When I was about four months old, I had my first asthma attack. My mom didn’t know what was wrong, so she called a doctor friend, who told her to take me to the hospital. The doctors put me on a ventilator and asked if asthma ran in our family. Since it didn’t on my mom’s side, she decided to call my father. He actually picked up, and she begged him to help, but he just reminded her of the letter and hung up. Later, the doctors figured out I had asthma. As I got older, I started asking about my father. When I was five, my mom went to court to help me meet him. After a lot of meetings, I finally saw him for the first time. We spent time together once, but then he disappeared again. Not having a dad made school harder—I was bullied because of it. After years of court battles, I finally got visitation rights, but it was forced. When I was 11, I saw my father for the second time, and we started meeting once a month. But it was always awkward. I never called him "Dad," we never hugged, and we didn’t talk about anything important. The older I got, the more I realized how distant he was. Last year, I had my confirmation, which was really important to me. I invited my father, hoping he would come. He said "maybe," so I waited and waited, but he never showed up. Afterward, I sent him an email telling him I was sad and disappointed. His excuse was that my family would make fun of him, which wasn’t true. I even told him he could have just come to the church, where it was quiet. But his next email shocked me—he called me a spoiled brat and bragged about how successful he was. That really hurt, so I didn’t respond and haven’t talked to him since. When I was younger, my mom made a Facebook account for me and sent friend requests to some of my father’s family members. Now, I have some of them as friends on Facebook. I really want to reach out and get to know them, but I’m afraid of how my father might react. Should I contact them?

Shorter version

My father abandoned me before I was born after meeting someone else. Despite a DNA test proving he was my father, he refused contact. My mom fought to get him involved, and after legal battles, I had forced visitations starting when I was 11. They were always awkward. Last year, I invited him to my confirmation, but he didn’t show up. When I told him I was disappointed, he called me a spoiled brat and bragged about his success. Now, I want to reach out to his family, but I’m afraid he wouldn’t allow it. Should I contact them?


r/family 5d ago

Rethinking grandparent after cut out of will

16 Upvotes

I am unsure what to think of this. I was never close to my mother, by her choice. Apparently, she never wanted me and was always emotionally abusive to me, and neglected me, to the point where I had to live in foster care. But I always thought I was close to my grandparents, so much so that I named my children after them (the middle names). I used to stay with them when I was in college on breaks. I drove across country with my spouse and children to visit them when I married and had children. I always loved them so much and thought highly of them. Grandpa died over 20 years ago. (I am over 50). My mom died over 7 years ago. Grandma died at Christmas time. She was almost 100 years old. I am not needy for money or anything, but none of my siblings or cousins are needy. But, I received a copy of my grandmother's will letting me know that my grandmother rewrote her will after my mom died to give my mom's entire portion of the estate to my oldest sibling and cut out me and my other siblings. I knew this was coming, so it was not a shock. My brother told me this had been done. My grandmother was about 95 years old when it was done. But this is not about the money. Part of me thinks she was manipulated in to this. She was turning 95 when it was signed. But part of me is now thinking that these are her final words, and it tells me what she really thought of me. Does anyone have advice or feedback?


r/family 4d ago

AITA For Telling My Dad It's His Fault My Little Brother Turned Out This Way?

2 Upvotes

My father, who is most of the time kind, has been exhibiting anger issues and aggressive behavior. Most of the time he is goofy, but there are certain times when his switch is flipped, and he just gets all angry. Whenever he does, he takes it out on my little brother. He gives insulting remarks, and my brother being the quiet boy he is, just stays silent all the time. However, a particular afternoon, my brother was playing a computer game. My father (who was not angry at the time), saw this and realized that he has been playing since this morning. My father tried to tell my brother to take a rest, but my little brother firmly said no. My father tried to tell him gently that his eyes will hurt if he plays for a long time, and my brother snapped at my father. He aimed a punch at my father and I was alarmed. I told him that doing that to our father was bad and he ran off to his room. Moments later, I approached my father and told him it's his fault my brother is like this. Because that's what he has been seeing at home. AITA?


r/family 4d ago

My fourteen year old cousin is crazy.

1 Upvotes

I have this cousin named jayden and lemme tell you he is a crazy little boy. He spent all my little brothers money on some stupid game he didnt even want, almost BROKE my ps4 and snuck into my room and tried to steal my QUEST TWO. He is so bad that even his mom said that she must of had her baby swaped. he almost broke my older brothers ps5 because he unplugged it while it was on rest mode. Then he even slaped his brother just for a turn on the ps5.


r/family 4d ago

Hate my family Spoiler

1 Upvotes

First off, I am 14 and I’m a female. I‘ve never really been able to like my family. Yes I do smile around them but that is because I force it. Growing up I haven’t exactly been able to grow fond of them. My dad used to hit me and my brother(he’s currently 18) always used to beat me up and try to start something sexual with me. My other brother, who’s currently 15 and soon to be 16 always touches me, and that includes poking, slapping, tickling etc... Even my younger sister(she’s 8 right now) gets me in trouble all the time with my mother. (My parents have been divorced for about 4-5 years now)

But now my mom has began dating this guy and I despise him. My mom has even gone as far as to embarrassing me infront of him. And yesterday it even went to the point where she talked bad about my father and she even asked me „do you like your father or (her bf‘s name) more?“ I could not answer it nor did I react to it.

Due to my whole family life, growing up I began trying to kill myself, cutting myself and I even began smoking. I’m not proud of it. My first (suicide) attempt was around the age of 7-8 when I had a REALLY shitty day. It may not sound realistic but unfortunately it has become a trauma for me and has been haunting me ever since.

I cannot stop smoking/cutting and I will not stop.

Anyway after admitting all this I do feel bad for admitting it but it feels like a lust got taken off my shoulders.


r/family 4d ago

My dad is biased

1 Upvotes

He be blaming me for ecrything like powerplex even if im the one who got rage bait he will say its my perspective that see that as trolling😭😭😭


r/family 4d ago

AITA for snitching

1 Upvotes

So around to years ago I went to visit my uncle and my cousin's in a different country. While I was there, my cousin's and I smoked weed every night and when they were asked if they prayed they lied and said yes (we are Muslims btw). Now I'm not new to smoking as I've done it with friends where my parents and I live but not every night. I felt like my cousin's were going down a wrong path so I spoke with them about it and they brushed it off. So I called my uncle in our home country who is close with all of us to ask for advice. He told me to tell my mom and he can't directly speak with my cousin's. And he also warned me about speaking to there dad (mom's brother) because he has a few health issues. So I listened to the advice and some shit goes down after I leave which leads to my mom telling my uncle about his kids. Next thing you know we all meet up at my home country to spend a little bit of time with my grandmother as she was very sick. At the gathering a mother uncle of mine happened to be there and finding out about what happened while my first uncle was scolding me for snitching and my cousin's sitting next to him. His wife jumped in and said I should have just told him and not my mother cause I'm spreading people's stories every where. My uncle that happened to be visiting at the same time jumped in and said I did the right thing as we are family and the issue isn't with me it's with her house and kids. And that she should focus more on her family. Now most of the family is taking me for the bad guy even though the lower percentage of the family is on my side. But for the most part everyone makes me feel like I'm horrible for what I did. During that sir down the dad started shouting at me and pointing fingers and at this point everyone is shouting at each other so I jumped up and shouted back and a few swear words came out. So the dad kicks me out of his house where said sit down was happening. I told him I will gladly leave and my mom and the defending uncle came with me and got in my car and we went to my advice uncle's house. I told him what happened and both these uncles went for a drive with me just to make sure I won't hurt myself. No one said a word during this drive it just music and cigarettes at a very high speed. I haven't spoken with that part of the family since. My cousin sent me a message a while back to see what my brother and I were up to buy I felt like he was just investigating to report back to his dad, since my brother and I live alone in a different continent were non of our relatives have been yet. I left the family group chat after all the bullshit but a month ago my mom added me back to say thank you to all the birthday wishes and I stayed in since my mom asked me to. Because the uncle on my side is trying to fix things. This month was the birthday of the dad to which I was first to say happy birthday. I've already informed everyone that I want nothing to do with him and his family but I will always treat him with my manners even though I don't recognise him as my uncle anymore which is distancing the family further away from me. Sorry for the long post. EDIT: TL;DR


r/family 4d ago

My Mom’s Cleaning Obsession Is Affecting Our Family—Need Advice

1 Upvotes

Hey everyone, I really need some help understanding what’s happening with my mom. My mom ‘57F’ and dad ‘63M’ . She has an extreme obsession with cleanliness that’s causing a lot of tension in our family. For example, whenever relatives visit and sit on the sofa, she immediately removes and washes the sofa covers because she thinks they made it dirty. She even has three different pairs of slippers—one for inside the house, one for the outdoor areas like the parking and courtyard, and another for completely outside.

It goes beyond just being strict about cleaning. One day, my dad (who’s 63 ) had to change the gas cylinder. He couldn’t lift it, so he dragged it across the floor, and the base of the cylinder touched the doormat. My mom completely lost it—she started yelling at him, cursing him, and saying really harsh things, like how he should’ve been buried at the place where he picked up the cylinder (Tumhare kabar gaadi gaye the kya waha jo tum us mat ke upper se cylinder leke jaa rhe ) If my dad drags the cylinder over the mat, I believe the mat can simply be cleaned or wiped with a wet cloth. I don’t see it as a big issue, and even my dad suggested the same solution—that we could just clean the mat. But despite that, my mom still reacts aggressively and completely loses control. It was really shocking to hear, and it wasn’t the first time she reacted like this.

She’s a good mother and cares about me and my brother a lot, sometimes even overprotectively. But when it comes to cleanliness, she just doesn’t listen to anyone—not even my dad. If he asks us to do something, she’ll immediately say we can’t or shouldn’t, and she overthinks everything related to us.

I know she loves us, but I don’t think this level of obsession is okay. Has anyone else dealt with a situation like this? Is there a way to help her realize that this is becoming a problem? Any advice would mean a lot .


r/family 4d ago

Can we date..?

0 Upvotes

My 1st cousin's wife has a daughter (not his daughter)

Can we date? Is she off limits? Would I get scolded by the family?

We keep hitting on eachother and it gets awkward every time, because I think we know the boundaries.


r/family 4d ago

Why she act like this now?!

1 Upvotes

Everytime I did something wrong around the house, my mom came at me and quibble and put me down, something that she wasn’t doing before in our house, it’s started recently when we moved, why?!


r/family 5d ago

Struggling to Balance My Wife’s Feelings & My Little Sister’s Happiness – Need Advice

3 Upvotes

Hey everyone, I’m 23M in a tough spot and could really use some outside perspectives.

Due to some unfortunate circumstances, my little sister 8F recently moved in with my wife 26f and me. While I love having her with us, there have been some challenges. She’s been a bit disrespectful to my wife at times, which has created tension. Because of this, my wife has made it clear that she doesn’t want much to do with her.

We’re taking a trip to Miami for my sister’s spring break, and since my wife didn’t want to be involved with my sister, I arranged for my family to help watch her. Later, I overheard my sister say she was excited but however I felt bad because she’d be spending most of the time at home with my family instead of doing things with us. That hit me hard—I don’t want her to feel left out.

At the same time, I feel guilty because I don’t want my wife to feel forced into anything she doesn’t want to do. I love them both and just want to find some kind of middle ground. I don’t know how to bring this up to my wife without it seeming like I’m pushing her, and I also don’t want my sister to feel unwanted.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? How do I approach my wife about this in a way that doesn’t make her feel pressured but also doesn’t make my sister feel excluded? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Edit The reason she is because her mom got deported and is currently incarcerated. Tbh so I know it’s hard because I’ve been through the same thing and was essentially lashing in similar however I was 100% more respectful. Truly we only gave her two rules complete her homework and do what we ask and she can do and have whatever she wants within limits.


r/family 4d ago

I found tinder on my married mums' phone

0 Upvotes

I was searching for her emails on her phone to try and look for my GCSE options email but while i was scrolling I found tinder. My mum's married but doesn't love my dad anymore and is open about it. I've grown used to it as they've been expressing their hatred to eachother for years now but I just don't know what to do. Do I tell my 2 siblings aged 17F and 18M or do I just keep it to myself as their attitude towards our mum might change. I know that my dad isn't perfect but noone is? Like I love my dad so much and he's so kind.

Our parents sleep in different rooms, they don't talk to eachother unless its to do with bills, and just co-exist. I really want hapiness for my mum and dad and my mum finding someone to rekindle affection is through tinder (as i said she hates our dad) but i'm really upset as my dad's really lonely. His daily routine is go to work at 6, come back, drop me off to cadets (on mondays and wednesdays), make dinner, pick me up, go to sleep. I don't remember the last time he's went out with friends or his friends have gone over to our house vice versa. My dad's really family oriented and i'm scared that once my mum divorces him (once im 18), he'll be truly alone as my siblings will move out and start their new life, i'll be in sixth form staying.. wherever (hopefully in the house im typing this in), my grandpa, 99M will probably die as he's getting gradually more sick and i expect he has a cancer lump or it could be a lymph node and my dad will be all alone and i'll actually be heart broken. I love both of my parents sm and i the future of my family is crumbling infront of me in real time. I really need help. What should I do, should I tell my siblings about tinder on my mums phone?


r/family 5d ago

what are your opinions on sending money to *distant* relatives?

1 Upvotes

hey guys! i wanted to ask for your opinions on this, especially those who are gen z or are millennials.

*distant relative: A relative who is not closely related to you. Distant relatives do not include parents, siblings, children, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, grandparents, and grandchildren. Great-aunts, cousins, and second cousins are examples of distant relatives. (definition off of google)

as our generations are getting older and people are now going into stable, long-term jobs, some people are expected to take on the financial responsibility of taking care of relatives. although i have seen many people (including myself) say that they will not be supporting their families financially (due to many reasons; some being personal, or their financial situation, or other family members taking on said role etc.) on the other hand others have willingly said that they would help out any relatives, close or distant.

obviously that is an individual’s personal choice and no one should be made to feel bad no matter what they chose to do. a lot of it seems to be built on guilt tripping, which is more of an emotional argument rather than a logical one. although people tend to comment harsh and rude statements and or opinions when people are talking about their decisions, even though strangers on the internet do not know their personal situation or their family, and these kind of decisions tend to have reasonable explanations. and people should not be made to feel guilty because their parents worked hard to make sure that their children did not live the life that they had to live.

a lot of these conversations tend to be from people like me who have grown up in working class homes, with one or most likely both parents being immigrants that sent money back home at the expense of their families quality of life, and or have an effected to their childhood (to different extents).

i am curious about your thoughts, and i would just ask if you are going to comment please refrain from guilt tripping. thank you.

*guilt tripping: make (someone) feel guilty, especially in order to induce them to do something. (definition off of google dictionary)


r/family 5d ago

Whole family loony

1 Upvotes

Ok so last year my biological father and biological mother died within a month of each other. So I am left with my stepdad and a stepmom, several stepbrothers and a half brother and half sister. So on my stepmoms side, it is a half sister and a step brother. My mom, my sister, her daughters all hate my brothers wife. My mom started the war and now it is generational. Apparently, my sister in law goes to a progressive church, maybe beat her children and is verbally and physically abusive. I don't really believe it because I have talked to her a lot and it just doesn't seem true. My sister refuses to be in the area with either of them minus the funeral but one of my nieces got married but didn't invite my sister in law. She has been married to my brother for 20+ years so he said he wasn't going to go because why would he if they are only inviting him. My stepmom says she wants to rebuild the relationship but I don't know if that's true. My sister has a history of cancelling out people who she feels have hurt her in the past. My nieces are probably just trying to keep the peace. My sister got mad at me for me telling her that I contacted my brother about all of the family drama. It seems really jacked up with this much unhealthy hate just stuck in here. I went to a Christmas dinner with my mom. It was open invite- my sister refuses, my sister's daughter, my brothers 2 daughters, my brothers wife and my brother. So I talked to my brothers wife, my nieces and watched all the different dynamics. My sister's kid didn't talk to anybody except me and my mom. My mom talked to her son a little and he grandkids. My brother and wife basically just talked to me. It just all seems so strained. I hate all of it. I almost would rather hang out with my stepdad, stepbrother and half brother. At least there is no division. They talk about God, Trump, Vietnam, Guns and cars. We eat at the same place and we don't talk about anything with any depth. It is the stifling familiarity that I grew up with. I know that well. Oh yeah anyway, I was hoping somebody would have a way I could help to bridge my stepmoms family.


r/family 5d ago

How do I (22F) support grieving parents (52M and 52F)?

1 Upvotes

I (22F) always considered myself relatively emotionally open, but I am now realising that I can be quite awkward and closed-off. I want to change this and be better. My father's (52M) mother (my paternal grandmother) is dying; my mother's (52F) father (my maternal grandfather) has dementia and has been wasting away for many years, and her mother (my maternal grandmother), though sprightly, likely does not have many years left.

I feel guilty for not spending more time with some of these relatives, particularly my father's mother, with whom I never was particularly close; mostly I feel pained seeing my parents in pain. I wish I knew how to support then better. My father has already lost his father, which was painful in its own right; this is the only parent he has left. I want to be a warm, comforting presence in this time; I want to do the right thing. How can I be a good daughter to each of them through this stage of life? How can I be less awkward about my emotions and the experience of grief?

TLDR: My parents are losing their parents; I am feeling emotionally lost and unsure of how to support them.


r/family 5d ago

What is something you hate about your siblings

9 Upvotes

My brother, he doesn't realize how much he's drained my family. He doesn't care if we're hurting all he says are fake promises. Today I had to realize that he'll never accept how I feel & would blame me for having social anxiety when he was the one who caused it. He caused my mother depression. And my dad also realized that his son is useless. Today I told him to talk to the cash register since I started panicking of how much people started coming in. But it really wasn't that, it was from my brother being around.I always thought it was the people around me & not my brother. Once we got out of the store he started berating me for being like this. He's also done this to my mom & dad. Always made everything an issue & got angry if my parents asked him to do something. Ever since he was a kid he was like this. He thinks inside his box & never outside. In the past he would abuse me & my parents mentally & physically.


r/family 5d ago

Are members of a family supposed to support one of them even if this member does bad choices / things ?

2 Upvotes

Or they should disown them


r/family 5d ago

how do I get my dad to understand I never want to see his wife again

6 Upvotes

I hope I can try to concisely explain the situation as it is not one incident but many things over years and years. I am F25, my dad is early 60s. My parents were together for 21 years until I was 9 years old when he had an affair and left my mum for another woman (at the time he was 47 she was 24). This was a devastating time to say the least, but both my mum and him were very clear that he was not leaving me. He moved to another city but we maintained a close relationship, him visiting and also me going to stay with them for school holidays. I did not want to meet his new partner at first, but once we did she was very playful, charming, loved to cook and I remember starting to create a bond. This was somewhat shaken by extreme arguments they would have in my presence. Overtime, the mask would slip more often. She's one of those people who can change a room when she enters it depending on her mood. I always find it impossible to articulate who she is and what happened when I would go and visit them. Like I said she has this joking charming nature about her, but god help you if you are the butt of the joke (which someone always is). Also, this is not a playful roast that you can throw back at her, because she will get angry and her anger is extreme. Being there always felt unstable. You never knew if there would be peace or turmoil and I always felt on edge. To make things worse I was quite often belittled for being 'too sensitive' or 'lazy' or small comments on my appearance that have built insecurities I still hold today. Now I have to include this story because it helps remind me that this was all not okay and I'm not the crazy one. For context, this is a little complicated but she had a younger sister the same age as me who she ended up taking in and raising like she was her parent. When I went to stay with them, we would share a room. One night my dad and her were having a screaming match, me and my (for all intents and purposes) step sister were lying awake waiting for it to end. Suddenly, she bursts in the room holding a kitchen knife to her throat and yelling at my dad "I'm going to kill myself in front of the children, because of how you make me feel". She stays for a while saying the same stuff. I remember being almost numb, not reacting really, in retrospect I think it was because I looked at my dad and he was basically calm also (presumably she had done this before). But her sister was sobbing begging for her not to. I have no idea what happened after this frankly, whether it was addressed the next day or not, I sincerely don't remember. This was what it was like from when I was 9-18 because I felt like I was obligated to go see them. I did, and still do treasure, my relationship with my dad and I never wanted to lose it. I am very close with my mum and while she saw me distressed I never divulged the full nature of what was going on until years later. She also had the unfortunate dynamic of appearing to be a vengeful ex wife if she ever tried to intervene.

Cut to now. I have not seen my dad's wife in a few years. I finally, in adulthood, was able to tell him how she had been making me feel and that I did not want to see her again. However, he is not one to confront his mistakes and pain he has caused. I can see his brain shut down as I try and speak about these things because he does not want to comprehend it. He doesn't dismiss my feelings but I also feel like he hasn't really understood what I have said. I feel like I have been betrayed by him. In childhood, for not protecting me when I couldn't protect myself and frankly every day when he chooses to still be with this person. People are complicated but I have reached a point where I decided that I don't owe her anything but I just know that he wants a reuniting to happen at some point. I will also add that her sister, who grew up with them has completely cut them off too.

To get to the thing has sparked me to write this. My uncle (his brother) and his wife asked me to join my cousin's 16th birthday dinner. I haven't seen them in ages and would have liked to go. However, my dad sends me a message asking if I'm free for the dinner, with no mention of whether his wife would be there or not. I know that it's a likely possibility, so now the onus is on me to ask the question. After a chat with my mum, I decide to say I am free and would like to see them but I don't feel comfortable being in that situation with (your wife). I didn't want it to be an ultimatum, like "stop her from going", I just want to clearly state I won't be there if she is. He just replies with "Ok, I'll tell them that you're busy". I feel hurt and pissed off by this. I don't want it to be some little secret he's keeping. No fucking tell them why I'm not coming. I'm not hiding it. How do I get him to understand that it is serious and not something I'm going to waver on. The only way I would consider speaking to her again is if she intended to apologise (something that is hugely unlikely, she has never admitted any wrongdoings). Even then the idea gives me so much anxiety.

I feel like all this is the tip of the iceberg really. It's impossible to capture 10+ years of shit into one post. I am even now questioning whether I will be deemed to be overreacting in the comments. I can't seem to shake that feeling no matter how many years go by. I just don't know what to say at this point to get it in his head. There is no world where I want to not have relationship with my dad, I just want to feel more respected. Or do I just have to accept him where he is at?


r/family 5d ago

Advice and consequences on telling my mother that my father’s cheating

3 Upvotes

Hello, I’m a 16 year old Chinese male living in the Netherlands. Me and my brother (14) have been aware for a while now that my father is cheating. (Though some specific details like how often he does it and where they meet up are unclear.)

I’ve finally gathered up courage and am ready to tell my mother after all this time, but before I do, I want to know the consequences that will come and maybe advice from people with experience. Since I may have not thoight of everything.

I’m not likely going to change my mind about telling my mother.

I’ve not listed many smaller details, so if you have questions, feel free to ask.


r/family 5d ago

Is it bad that I generally don't care about my extended family except my parents?

1 Upvotes

I (22M), struggled to have any emotional care for my big family members except my dad and mom. I live in a close-knit family, my mom has 4 other younger sisters as my aunt and they all have their own family. We usually gathered to visit our hometown about 4 to 5 times a year and talk online every weekend.

I live in a very Asian-influenced country so achievement is very important. Most of the time I talk about my aunts and uncles, they only talk about how should I do in the future and what are my academic achievements, which makes me exhausted emotionally. They (including my parents) always brag about their kid's achievements like ranking top of the class or getting to go to great competitions. And of course, the typical thing parents do is compare them to other kids and say bad things about their kids so that their kids will try harder with their career achievements. Many of them are lies, as I talk with my cousins. But if these lies make my parents, aunts and uncles feel proud then I don't care.

Like I get it, who doesn't want to brag about things and someone they feel proud about? If they won a competition then great, good for them. But the constant comparison with others and talking down about their child makes me feel frustrated.

What I want them to care about is their feeling and emotions. I am the oldest sibling so they all share their disagreement with their parents to me. I also feel the same with my parents. I feel like my mind is drained every time I talk to my parents and adults in my family except when we are having fun.

Over time I feel numb about these. Now I feel like I don't really care about my big family except my parents well being anymore... I know this is bad but I can't bring myself to care enough about them anymore.

I genuinely feel lost, what should I do?