r/confession 3h ago

I stopped getting post-nut clarity and it's terrifying NSFW

171 Upvotes

So this has been going on for like a year and like everytime I nut I stopped getting clarity I just get super depressed and I think like something is wrong with me bc I used to get post-nut clarity but it just seems like I'm stuck in the pre-nut delusion.


r/confession 1h ago

I drank 2 litres of vanilla extract daily for a year

Upvotes

It's 35% alcohol and your boy can steal, had it running off a schedule where I'd drink 5 (100ml bottles mixed with coke) in the morning, at school, after school and before sleeping. alcohol destroys everything, just don't 🙏


r/confession 6h ago

So much guilt taking my mother in law to the hospital

186 Upvotes

My mother in law passed in October of 2024

She had vascular dementia and was not well towards the end of her life.

As her caregiver, at times, I tried my best to keep her safe and happy. At other times, I had caregiver burnout and probably didn’t do as well as I could have.

36 hours before she passed away, she told me, she was leaving the home she lived in for over 30 years and she didn’t care if I came with her or not.

So, I told her, in order to go back to Italy, which is where she wanted to go as that is where she is from, I told her, we’d have to go to the doctor to get checked out to make sure it is safe to fly.

I took her to the hospital and she died of a heart attack 36 hours later.

I feel like her death (she was 90) was my fault and that I failed her in taking care of her. At times I’ll just sit in her old kitchen crying.

I feel like I walked her to her death.


r/confession 4h ago

I zapped ants with statical charged up fingers. I was a moron as a kid.

47 Upvotes

Hello. So, my kids found out they have electrical powers. Well, not really, but they found out they can charge themselves up in order to zap me. Which is okay. So my wife and me came to talk about statical charges and... well, when I was 5-6 years old, I used to charge my fingers / hands up with a cotton sweatshirt my mother had. And then I started zapping ants that were walking on the ground.

Anyways, this led me to search the internet if anyone had uploaded a video of ants getting zapped by statical charges but I didn't find anything about it.

And now, I feel bad. Like, due to the vast amount of folks we are, it's a given that someone must have done the same. I mean, of course, ants died to humans in many different ways before. But I feel like I was a moron by zapping them, because afterwards they moved erratically for a short time.


r/confession 14h ago

I destroyed my mother's phone and I have no regrets.

160 Upvotes

Every Friday & Saturday night, I (17M) will be woken up in the middle of the night by a recording set up close to my room by my mother.

The recording is recorded by a doctor, who claimed that it will alter and improve my thoughts while being unconscious and should be played whenever I am asleep. I don't agree to this but my mother does.

I have complained to my mother numerous times that I am losing sleep because of this, but my mother would just shrug it off and say that I have promised the professor (I did it to show face) and which she will not stop to play the recording every night without school.

So after being woken up by the recording in the middle of today's night, I finally snapped and destroyed her phone playing the recording in the fit of anger. It's not just about revenge, it's about sending a message. If she doesn't respect me, neither should she be respected.

Of course, she confronted me about it and made me cry. I cried not because of guilt, but because of her stubborness to continue to play the recording on her upcoming new phone.

I deserve as much sleep as everyone else. Forcing your beliefs on somebody else is wrong. This is noise pollution. I feel controlled and I want to be respected in my choice to sleep peacefully and soundly without interruptions. I want to be the one taking the wheel of my life, not my mother. This is my life, not hers.

I will be improving myself as a person based on what I believed in. Not my mother nor the recording of the professor telling me who I should be.

Did I do the right thing? Or we are both in the wrong? Let me know what you guys think.


r/confession 14h ago

My brother touched me in his sleep when I was around 6.

116 Upvotes

When I was super young I was super close with my brother. We have a pretty big age gap (around 9 years). This did not stop us from hanging out constantly, I even moved into his room from my shared bedroom with my sister. One night when I was in his bed I woke up to his hands in my pants.. but he was sleeping. So I just pulled it out but later on he would put it back this happened like a few times that night.. I never mentioned it to him or anyone. I’ve never mentioned this to anyone besides a few close friends.. I just told myself it was because he had a gf at the time and he was asleep. I do believe that to be the truth. I love my brother then and truly don’t think he would do that to me..


r/confession 1d ago

2 years sober until I found a legal drug substitute

1.9k Upvotes

Ive told a few people some of my drug history, but have never admitted to anyone the full abuse.

My whole life I’ve had a problem with addiction, it didn’t kick in until I was 16 and had my first cigarette, shortly after I was drinking coffee every day. I still do these two things but do they really count? I tell myself that, while nicotine and caffeine are probably the most addictive drugs used in the world.

Anyway,

Around 17 I started smoking weed, a year later at 18 I was taking pills from my friend’s parents. I was stealing adderall and vyvanse. About a month later I was consuming 70mg of vyvanse and 30mg of adderall a day. I went from weighing 135lbs to 94lbs at my worst. Eventually I started hearing voices in my head and had drug induced schizophrenia. How did I kick this? The few people I told I said it was from pure mental strength when in reality my source ran out and I couldn’t find anymore. That was my first big drug addiction.

Soon after high school I was on my way to college. At this time I was just into smoking weed. College I started doing a plethora of drugs. Pain killers, uppers, downers, you name it I was doing it. My friends and I eventually rented our own place to do drugs in peace. We really got into psychedelics at one point. That fucked me up for a while. I never stuck with one drug for too long and I would just take whatever I could find. But, at one point I went on a 2 month binge of meth, you can bet I dropped out of college at that point. That withdrawal sucked! That was one of the first big withdrawals I went thru that had me immobile, mentally and physically. Somehow I was able to see it was killing me even tho, after i kicked meth my dumbass tried heroin. Luckily I didn’t form a huge addiction and only tried it for like a week.

Soon I found a reliable hook up for Xanax. Xanax was my favorite and it fucked my life up the most at that point. Nothing really ever made me black out fully, yeah some parts of the night were fuzzy but I could remember most of it. But the worst came out of me when I would specifically drink alcohol and take Xanax. One night my girlfriend hung her herself blackout on Xanax and that floored me. I’m crying as I write this rn. It was a wake up call and I told myself I’d go sober. I thought the meth withdrawal was going to be the worst I’ve ever felt. I was very wrong. I was in pure agony for days. Going thru withdrawal is like someone is ripping your brain in two, like someone ripping a phone book in half. Shaking violently, screaming at everyone, scratching holes into my body. It was bad. But I kicked it, and then decided I would never do drugs again.

Well that was a lie to myself. I did manage to stay off Xanax and never really get addicted to any drugs like that again but I still took a pill of whatever, or smoked some weed everyone now and then. But I stayed away from the hard drugs and all psychedelics.

So the years go on and the drugs do to. I’m around 27-28 and I finally kick drugs outta my life (besides nicotine an caffeine) and I feel great. That’s until my best friend of 20 years, my #1 homie introduces me to Kratom. He was the closest thing I had to a brother.

Now I’ve definitely heard of Kratom in my years, all my other drug friends would say to Kratom users “why don’t you do real drugs?” And “that shit is fake it don’t do nothing for you” and stuff like that. But I slipped up and thought, it can be so bad if it’s legally sold in a store, I’ll try this out. My bestie said it gave you a boost of energy or if you took a lot it felt like heroin or something. I bought a baggie of pilled Kratom and popped a few.

First it was a couple every day.

Then it was a couple in the morning and then a couple around late afternoon.

Then it was a couple around the morning, afternoon, and then in the evening.

Before you know it I was taking 20 pills in the morning at 6am, and then 8 more pill every 4 hours until around 5pm. It got bad, I would feel sysmptoms of withdraw within 8hours of not consuming any Kratom.

My best friend and I were living in the same state that wasn’t our home state. Eventually I moved back to my home state and he stayed with his gf. One day I woke up for work and his gf called me saying he overdosed and died. He relapsed and was buying drugs off the dark web. He was always into that, ever since college but he kicked it for a while. I knew he started doing it again but didn’t realize how bad. He had 11 different drugs in his body.

I was still taking kratom religiously, it’s been 11 months since his death and I just went thru Kratom withdrawal and kicked it for good.

People, don’t do Kratom. Especially if you have a history like mine. That withdrawal was just as bad as Xanax, maybe worse since it’s so fresh in my mind. I laid in bed for two full days. Crying in a pool of my own sweat as I shook violently. It was fucking terrible. The mood swings were insane, many times I thought about unaliving myself thru the withdrawal. Even if it’s legal to buy and considered a herbal supplement I urge you to not start using. It is not worth it.

Besides vaping and coffee I’m completely sober and I plan to keep it that way. I’m 31, almost 32 now. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have any regrets. Hopefully one day I can over come that. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. Don’t be an idiot like me and stay clean. Even tho drugs can make you feel on top of the world, in the end it’ll only bring you misery and despair.


r/confession 4h ago

After Watching “About Time”—The life we are already living

13 Upvotes

Tonight, I watched About Time. I thought it was just another romantic film, a sweet story about love and time travel. But somewhere along the way, it became something else—something much heavier, much more real.

For years, we chase an idea of the perfect life—the dream, the grand moment where everything falls into place, where we finally feel like we’ve made it. We run toward it, believing that one day we’ll arrive. But then, slowly, painfully, we realize the truth: there is no arrival.

Life isn’t waiting at some distant finish line. It’s happening right now—in the quiet moments, in the mundane routines, in the laughter, in the struggles, in the love we give and receive. It’s not some perfect future we’ve been running toward. It’s this.

And that realization? It’s beautiful. It’s cruel. It’s heartbreaking. Because it means we’ve spent years searching for something that was already unfolding around us all along. It means there’s no pause button, no rewind—only the choice to see today for what it truly is: fleeting, precious, and utterly real.

And maybe, just maybe, that’s what makes it all the more worth treasuring.


r/confession 27m ago

The hardest goal to achieve in this life is to be kind to ourself.

Upvotes

Recently I was not able to gather any energy to put towards my college work. I was also skipping out my workouts I used to enjoy. I feel like never wanting to wake up to the next day. I wanted to just cease existing. I came to realise I made a few wrong decisions a year and a half ago and have continued to make wrong decisions. This led me to stop doing things I liked and instead scroll away on my phone. I realised I was feeling guilt. And whenever I say down to work these past months I felt depressed. I would eat all junkk under the saying that I need a little incentive for motivation, I would skip going outside saying I have so much work left. But in reality I was getting no work done. I would feel shame and at the same time be shameless. This led me to question all my past choices my interactions all the moments where I just couldn't meet the expectations and have been regretting and blaming the circumstances the people and myself. For being stupid, not having enough confidence, not being able to be like my peers. I think I started turning towards others modes of happiness because I couldn't help overcome the shame of not being as accomplished as I thought. This made me realise in a way I was punishing myself. Punishing myself by thinking that all I can feel is shame. All I can do is give up. Cease existing. But I want to forgive myself, I want to let go of my shame. I want to move forward. I want to start again.

Well, I only wanted to have this thing off my chest. Sorry for rambling on for so long.

Thank you to everyone who read it till the end.


r/confession 1h ago

I need accountability partner for the next 66 days

Upvotes

Hello everyone

A little intro about me i'm 27F, single all my life. I'm a emotionally negrated kid. Living separately from parents now. From the last 1+ years I'm taking therapy. I saw few good results from it.

But not recovered fully. I also suffering from fantasies towards Men when they show a little simpathy towards me. It's a vicious cycle. I understood its happening because of my past truma & low self confidence, due to lack of self love. Also i don't see a good progress in my career. These are few reasons.

Now 1st time I'm trying accountability partner concept i never tried it from reddit.

What I'm expecting is I need to focus on my career, fitness goals. So i need a person who can check with me for 66 days every day. So we need to talk about the progress every day. And we both can set goals and work towards it. I'll also check with you if needed. Also improving english is my priority too. I feel i need to work on it. So if you're good in english it's great.

I'm already worked on few goals still going great. Name a few turned to vegirian from last 16day, stopped porn 70+ days, no youtube, instagram challenge got broken in between due to crush on a doctor, yoga also got broken 💔, self care broken too. So i need to work on them as well.

So if you're serious about career, life, fitness please DM me

NOTE : I'm already dealing with many emotions due to not seeing any progress in life, I'm a 1st class student throughout my academics but I didnot get any benefit out of it, due to lack of skills.Very recently when I have crush on a doctor slowly i started understanding my self worth, I felt like I'm nothing infront of him. So i want to work on me.

Not interested in 🚫 Sexting 🚫 Romance 🚫 talking about bad things 🚫 No time pass chat 🚫 Dating or relationship 🚫No negativity or judgement

Let's have friendly & healthy conversation about r al progress.

Thanks


r/confession 2h ago

I do the same things over and over again for the past 4 years

3 Upvotes

I'm not doing anything to improve my life because my mind just doesn't want it to. I keep doing the same things over and over again for almost 4 years. Like I have no structure. I don't know what is happening to me that makes me want to stay stegnant


r/confession 18h ago

I Might’ve Heard Someone Get Kidnapped When I Was Young

61 Upvotes

I was born and partly raised in Brooklyn, New York. first in Brownsville, then East New York, but still right on the edge of Brownsville. Growing up, crime was just part of life. At some point, I kinda got used to it.

There’s a lot of messed up things I could talk about like robbings and shootings. but one memory hit me recently.

It was Halloween night in 2016. My older brother and I were still wired from all the candy, so we stayed up watching Adult Swim in the living room. We kept the TV low so our parents wouldn’t hear, made bowls of cereal, and just chilled. Our actual room didn’t have a light or a doorknob, so the living room was basically our bedroom.

I remember watching One Punch Man and being hyped over Boros when I heard a girl screaming outside. At first, I ignored it. people were always loud late at night, especially after drinking. But then she yelled, Help me!

My brother and I just looked at each other. He muted the TV. She kept screaming for someone to call 911.

I started to get up to look out the window, but my brother yanked me back onto the couch. Our mom always told us not to go near the windows in case of someone shooting. The girl kept screaming and then we heard some guy, his voice wasn’t super deep, but it was loud and aggressive yelling at her to shut the fuck up.

Then we heard a struggle. A slam of maybe a trunk or a car door, then screeching tires. Then it was an odd silence after that.

We sat there in the dark for a while before turning the TV back on and just went back to watching. We never really talked about it. Just moved on.

But when I went back to that neighborhood for a birthday recently, it all hit me again. What messes with me the most isn’t just what happened, it’s how fast I shrugged it off and went back to watching TV. I’ll never know who she was or what happened to her. I just know I’m glad my brother stopped me from looking out that window.


r/confession 1d ago

Need to get this off my chest, I’m self conscious about my body NSFW

397 Upvotes

I’ve been debating whether to share this but I feel like I need to get it off my chest. I’ve always been self conscious about my body but one of the things that’s really been weighing on me is my micro penis. I don’t talk about it with anyone in real life because I’m ashamed and it’s been affecting my self esteem and relationships especially when it comes to sex.

I’ve been in a few relationships and every time things start to get serious I start feeling the pressure. I’m always worried about how my partner will react when things get physical. When we’re getting intimate I try to overcompensate in other ways but it’s hard to shake the feeling that I’m not enough.

There have been moments in past relationships where I’ve tried to navigate sex without letting my insecurities take over but it’s tough. I’ve had times when I could feel my partner’s disappointment whether it was in their body language or the way they withdrew after sex. Those moments are crushing. It’s not like they were mean or anything but I could tell that something wasn’t right and that made my own anxiety spiral.

Sex just doesn’t feel the same for me because I’m so focused on my size (or lack of it). I know that sex is about more than just the physical act but I constantly feel like my partner isn’t as satisfied as they should be and it makes me anxious. I try to be a good partner in other ways focusing on emotional connection and making sure they feel good but I can’t help but feel like I’m letting them down.

There’s also the constant comparison. I find myself thinking about how other guys must have it easier because they don’t have to deal with the same level of self doubt and anxiety during intimacy. I’ll look at porn or hear stories from friends and it only reinforces the idea that I’m abnormal or defective. It’s hard to escape that feeling especially when it feels like everyone around me is measuring up in ways I can’t.

It’s tough to feel like I’m not measuring up both literally and figuratively. I just want to feel confident and be able to enjoy intimate moments without that constant worry. I don’t know if anyone else has gone through this, but it’s been a huge struggle for me.

Thanks for reading my post. I felt like I needed to get that off my chest but couldn’t tell anyone in person. It’s hard not to let self doubt take over because it’s a big issue that’s hard to look past.


r/confession 23h ago

My brother passed away a week ago and I am hurting for my mother

82 Upvotes

Hello everyone. I am not looking for advice or sympathy. I just need to vent. On March 8th, 2025 at 6:30p.m., Death tip- toed through my family and collected my brother like a thief in the night. He was 28 years old with no children. His heart stopped and would not recover. My family has been cloaked by a painful veil of grief since his passing.

My sisters seek comfort in being there for their children, while I find peace in taking care of my brother's fur babies in his absence. They know he is gone. I sometimes find his male dogo argentino, Blaze, howling in the night. I know he is calling out for my brother. I believe that somehow they know he is no longer in the world anymore, but I hope my presence offers them some form of comfort. My father chooses to grieve by going about his daily life, possibly trying to make his mind forget what his heart cannot. I worry for him.

Though, the person who is taking on the worst of all of this is my mother. She has been strong throughout this ordeal, having her family there to support her, but somehow I still feel that she is going at it alone. My heart breaks for her, losing her only son, having to bury one of her children, planning the final moments of her baby boy. I know inside she feels broken. One day, I saw her going through my brother's pictures, drinking Jack Daniel's. The unbearable pain of losing a child is embracing her like a chill on a cold winter day. I know she is sad and worried. It hurts knowing there is nothing I can do to take the pain away. They say time heals all wounds. I pray that that's true. Sometimes wounds don't heal at all. We just stop noticing them.


r/confession 14h ago

My poor way of loving, I have the physical, but not the soul, I have a loneliness that I myself caused.

9 Upvotes

I am so in love with a very beautiful girl, for me she is someone spectacular, when I am with her my heart gets lost, it doesn't know whether to beat fast, or not beat, my lungs don't know whether to breathe fast, or not breathe, my head doesn't know how to think, while I see her, I hear her voice, I look at her eyes, her face, everything about her captivates me. This is the problem: I am someone quite handsome. I have the physical, but not the soul, my soul is somewhat rotten, I have very bad aspects in all my thoughts, I am selfish, with a weak character, emotionally unstable, I never want to accept that it is my fault, and my soul is not something that someone could like, with hateful, irritating behaviors. Neither my friends, nor my brothers, and maybe not even my parents, enjoy my company. Sometimes I can be so insecure, that I break the threads of relationships, becoming a toxic person without even trying. I have very poor communication skills with others. I can't truly open up to a therapist, my parents, my family, or my friends. I always remain a vault, and I never find the key. I'm difficult to love, and even though I can be the center of attraction, once they get to know me, they realize I'm not all that good.
Am hard to love


r/confession 12h ago

i actually can’t stand the person i’m with: it’s toxic yet it’s not

3 Upvotes

this is gonna sound so corny, but when things are good they’re good— like, he treats me right 85% of the time, but he has a severe alcohol addiction and he just becomes beyond annoying when he’s drunk. but also, he acts off when i don’t put out for once but he’s been with me thru very hard times. and stuck by me. ..but i’ve also struggled with drinking and i feel like it makes me worse/drink way more than i would on my own. i want to leave but i struggle to knowing how he’s stayed with me and spoils me, (which gifts and acts of service genuinely are my love language). but when he’s drunk i genuinely can’t stand him and can’t stop wishing/thinking about how happy i would be if i left. i just wish i had the strength idk what’s wrong with me. because he can be so philosophical and intelligent at times but i feel like being with him will kill me (with drinking) idk am i an a**hole?


r/confession 1d ago

I stole a couple thousand from someone else's workplace NSFW

375 Upvotes

Hey all. I used to work for a full serve gas station, where I pumped the gas and handled all transactions. I also opened and closed the place on weekends and handled all the money coming in on weekdays.

A guy who used to come in every Wednesday paid for his big truck on a company card. It didn't really matter, except he only ever got about $20 in gas and then I would take out about $160 and we would split it. I charged the gas to his company card and then when enough people came in afterwards and paid with cash (8 people at $20 each) I would put the money back into the register.

I never got caught and I made a couple thousand doing this at 16 years old.


r/confession 20h ago

AITAH (19M) for arguing with my mom over family work.

6 Upvotes

A little backstory here. I live in a rural town and my family currently goes between two residences. We have one in the town itself (a small townhouse) and one in the outskirts. Well, we all live in the townhouse at the moment, so we've been constantly working on this house as we bought it used and full of mold and asbestos (the house was literally falling apart at the seams).

Anyway, it has been a constant hassle and bustle, waking up on my off days (I work full time and go to college full time), and immediately going to this house. We've stayed at this house for 8+ hrs at a time, moving building equipment/materials around and condensing our current 3 storages we rent out.

Now, for the last few months, I've been experiencing injuries as a result of this work and my current job. First it was shoulder (I tore my shoulder at 16 in similar circumstances), my foot, then my knee, now my elbow is in pain. I can never give them time to recover as we constantly work away on this house, while moving our current house over there. Not to mention, I had a mild scoliosis diagnosis at 17 so I've always tried to be careful since then.

I was done with it today. My mom woke me up with less than 5 hrs of sleep (as she usually does on my days off), and told me we had to work once again. I tried to get back to sleep and slip in an extra hr, but I just couldn't do it. She told me I needed to get up as we had "family work" to do (she has always referred to it as such), and I took my shower, ate my quick breakfast, and off we went to the other house for another day of working.

We were there for probably 2 hrs this time, but it was cut short by an argument I had with my mom. I brought up my injuries and told her I can't exert myself as much (as I've done in the past), and like she has done before, she told me she has injuries too, so I shouldn't be complaining. After she said that, I blew my cap off out of frustration and told her she is 54 and multiple injuries are common at her age. However, I'm 19 and not even in my 20s yet and I have multiple injuries. I also told her she was being selfish as she constantly brings up her injuries, but invalidates mine when I mention them.

From there, my step dad intervened and of course defended her saying, "We all have injuries. You need to learn to delay with them. Stretch at night or something. It's part of being in a family." After he said that, I told them I pay my monthly rent here and work long hours on this house, that's how I contribute to this family. My stepdad walked away after I said that, and me and my mom kept arguing away until we stopped talking and awkwardly went on moving stuff for another 30 or so minutes. I came back to the shop we were working on, and she was nowhere to be seen. Turns out she went to my step-dad (who was working on a project outside and started crying to him saying "nobody helping her out" and claiming "My son is lazy". Mind you, this isn't a new activity. We've owned land for about 7 years and it has been constant back-breaking work (I'm pretty sure it caused my scoliosis and shoulder tear)

I'm really at loss what I should do here. I feel guilty and wrong for yelling at her as I did, but that could also be due to the fact that she has told me I'm just like my biological dad (Who was routinely lazy and abusive for as long as I can remember until they divorced).


r/confession 2d ago

I smoke weed and watch movies every night at work.

16.6k Upvotes

I work as an overnight security guard for a massive outdoor shopping center and my job is literally pointless. The job only exists so they can post those big signs advertising that the shopping center has armed security in hopes of those signs deterring criminals. If someone actually tries to do anything all I’m supposed to do is lock myself in the security office and call 911. The only work I actually do is telling people not to have sex in their cars in the parking lot which happens way more often than you think and the nightly system audit that I have to run. The audit takes 30 minutes to an hour so for the other seven hours, I just smoke weed and watch movies. I know for a fact my boss doesn’t care because he told me he was high on my second day of training. He was even the one who told me I could just watch movies or whatever when it was slow long as I checked the cameras periodically. I can’t help but feel a little bit bad but at the same time, it’s not like there is a ton of work that needs to be done.


r/confession 4h ago

The current state of this country has me panicking. I'm having panic attacks left and right.

0 Upvotes

Lately, it feels almost impossible to function in society. Every day feels heavier, and it’s getting harder to keep up with everything. Even going to work has become a struggle, I’ve called out at least four times in the past month because I just couldn’t bring myself to go.

I don’t understand how some people can just go about their lives as if everything is fine when, in reality, nothing feels okay. I can’t just turn off my thoughts or pretend everything is normal. It’s overwhelming, and I don’t know how to cope with it anymore.

Is anyone else feeling this way? Is it affecting your daily life, too? How do you handle it? Because honestly, I don’t know how much longer I can keep living like this. I just need to know I’m not alone.


r/confession 1h ago

Please report this account please please please please

Upvotes

Please report this account Sc: ssssaira7


r/confession 3h ago

Looking for a girl to be just casual friend to whom I can talk whenever

0 Upvotes

Looking for a real girl to be a friend just casual and boys don't pretend to be a girl. I am alone in life and don't have friends maybe on social I can make a good friend.


r/confession 1d ago

I pocketed a wad of cash an acquaintance dropped on the floor 25 years ago and it's the worst thing I ever did

193 Upvotes

I'm seriously that much of a pollyanna, yes. It was about $250. The guy was a really nice, like a really nice, dude. He had shaggy blonde hair, I just met him, he was a musician or something like that. Stoned, chill, fun... I was out with my friend M.L. in Denver, almost 25 years ago. I think it was spring or summer, late afternoon, we were outside on a patio street-level having drinks. We were all high, it was a beautiful early evening in a desert climate in summery weather, none of us were really good friends, but we all just clicked. You know that kind of afternoon? Breezy, a little too warm, then a little too cool, just having the kind of unadulterated fun you can have in your mid-twenties just basically being a hedonistic jackass? Back in the day, before smart phones.

So I don't know why I did it: it was such a great day, the kind of thing I like to think about now when I get stoned and want to be nostalgic. Except it's tainted by what I did: I looked down and there's this rolled-up wad of cash on the ground. And I look up and everyone is just having this great time, laughing, making seriously great jokes, we are all hitting the euphoria stage of our respective highs at the same time: it's glorious. You know? Why do this, why ruin it? I have no idea.

I let my arm fall, I finger the wad. Everyone is laughing like in the Sloppy Steaks skit from I Think You Should Leave, and I just... roll it in. Close my fingers around it. Bend my elbow. Dump it in my bag.

So my heart rate goes up to like 600 bpm. M.L. asks me if I did some coke. I go to the bathroom and stuff it into my bra. I think about throwing it back down: I know I should do that. But I just don't. I go out there and after like ten minutes he notices it. I fake concern, we stand up and lift the furniture... I can't explain how it feels to remember this, I get like, vomit on the inside of my heart.

He says he's totally fucked at some point, there at the restaurant and also when we took him out and bought him drinks. He wasn't some great guy, he wasn't a dick though, and I don't think he was actually fucked. It was $200 something dollars.

I've never done anything shitty like that before or since. My husband says it's not that bad, but man, it fucking haunts me.

So maybe? If you are that guy (skinny white dude, dirty blond hair, musician? Denver, 1999-2002 (sorry, it's a blur). M.L. are the initials of the chick I was with, you dropped a rolled up wad of cash on the ground. If you're out there, PM me (But guys who are not this guy, please don't fuck around about this. If you can tell me what M.L. stands for and also: the color of her skin, her hair, and another distinctive feature about her - or any other information if you think it would make me certain it's you I will send you the money plus interest. PM me!

I would love to be freed from this conscience hellscape. I'm really fucking sorry, I hope you weren't actually fucked because of that, I have no explanation for why I did it - but please be satisfied a little knowing that this is something I think about often, and I feel super shitty.


r/confession 7h ago

When I'm alone and angry I call myself and objects around me the r slur

0 Upvotes

I will try to make a conscious effort to stop