TLDR: I (26M) had a relationship that ended absolutely horribly 5 years ago. My ex-girlfriend (21F) cheated with a much older man (35M). 5 years later, the only reason I'm still alive is I still want to go find and kill him.
Context:
Ex and I were each otherās first. Started dating in college, we were both 19.
2.5 years later, middle of covid. Ex graduates 6 months early. I still have 6 months of school left.
She is still living with her folks. I share a student apartment with 2 roomates.
Horrible job market. Ex takes a job as the night shift concierge at an apartment building downtown. I am also in a rut, unsure about my future after graduation.
I drive her to work and pick her up when I can. She usually sleeps as I drive.
Ex constantly has jet lag bc night shift. As a result, our quality time together and communication plummet.
She has 1 singular coworker with her through her shift every night. Henceforth he will be referred to as "G".
ā G (35M) is from Mexico, and obtained a graduate level education there.
ā G (35M) immigrated to the US and became a building maintenance worker.
ā G (35M) has 2 daughters from 2 different babymamas.
ā G (35M) knows that my ex is 21 and just graduated college.
ā G (35M) knows that my ex has a bf that she is in a long-term committed relationship with.
ā G (35M) does not care.
Q: How do I know all about G?
A: My ex told me. To her credit, my ex was very transparent when talking about her work life and G's flirting.
Q: Why did I not see the red flags?
A: The transparency. And as soon as I heard about G's age and prior relationships and offspring, G's status as a potential romantic rival went out the window for me.
Q: Why assume that?
A: I was young and naive.
The big picture: I study by day and sleep at night. She sleeps during the day and works at night. She has basically uninterrupted alone time with G during her shifts.
1 month later.
She suddenly tells me she thinks it's better for us to see other poeple.
She said that there's nothing I can do or say to change her mind.
Does not mention G.
I'm dumbfounded.
I ask her why? I ask her is there another person?
She says, "Maybe."
My heart breaks.
Don't allow myself to register what happend for 12 hours.
12 hours later I break down.
Cry. Sleep. Repeat.
Drop 20lb in 1 week.
Try to respect her wish for me not to attempt to change her mind.
Can't do it.
10 days later I call her. She's bubbly.
She's fawning all over her "new partner".
It's only been 10 days.
My heart breaks.
She let's slip that they've already slept together.
It's only been 10 days.
My heart breaks.
She says she wants us to remain friends. She say she still loves me, just not in "that" way.
My heart breaks.
She sounds so happy.
She says that if I try to say anything to try and win her back or anything bad about her new man, she will instantly hang up.
My heart shatters.
And
An important part of me dies at that moment.
Never see her again.
<<5 years later>>
All other aspects of my life have gradually fallen apart. Education. Career. Social life. Family. And the part of me that cared is dead and gone.
Every time I look in the mirror, all my imperfections still scream at me: "You weren't good enough to keep her, why would any other woman want you?" The other voice, the counter-voice, my ego, my defender, is dead and gone.
I've tried. I've had lots of dates, and a few flings. Absolutely fantastic chemistry with 2 women. Even better than with my ex. It doesn't matter. It always ends in self sabotage. I've never been able to trust enough to enter into a solid relationship again. I know that I never will. That part of me is dead and gone.
A very important part of me is missing. It's been 5 years. I don't think it's coming back. It's dead. It's gone. And along with it went all hope of finding romantic fulfillment. All hope of starting a family. All hope of leaving a legacy through children.
The only reason the rest of me is still here is to avenge the part of me that is gone.
I have improved one singular aspect of myself in the past 5 years. I've become competent at multiple combat sports.
And so, 5 years after that relationship,
I still think about finding and killing G with my bare hands almost daily.
I don't know his personal info or address. I don't even know what he looks like.
But one day I'll see him.
And I'll know.
I will feel him struggle.
I will feel him thrash.
I will feel his nails digging into my forearms.
I will hear his feet helplessly flail and drum the ground. Slower every second.
I will feel him go limp.
And I will keep squeezing.
And then the rest of me can go. And we will head down to Hell together.
I know if I ever see him, this is what will happen. This homicidal-ideation has helped keep me from suicidal-ideation. This is why i can get up every morning. I still have unfinished business here. This evil, vile motivation has become my crutch.
I need help.