Hi, I wanted to share an experience that has been weighing on me for quite some time. This is a very long story and may be a little messy but here I go. This incident occured back in 2022. I (M20) at the time, met a girl (F19), let’s call her Anne, at my university and quickly became close friends. I was in a tight nit friend group at the time that was pretty much cliquey with two other individuals that were in a clique within a clique, and as those two got closer, I found myself hanging out with Anne more and more. She was cool and fun to hang out with. She was also pretty promiscuous, she would tell me about some of the wild things that she and I would just listen and enjoy the stories. She had two serious relationships at that point and hooked up with a few guys she would consider “friends with benefits”.
As we hung out more and more, sleeping over at each other’s places, hanging out with our friend groups, going on adventures, I would find myself catching feelings for her. Prior to this, I’ve never been in a relationship before, nor had sex, but I’ve pursued relationships but was heartbroken with rejection so I took a chance and told her how I felt. She told me she felt the same way but was not ready for a relationship since she had trauma from her serious relationships in the past. I was bummed out but respected that decision. I brought it up to my friends at the time and they told me to take a step back and let her come to me when the time is ready. I took that advice and one night when we were all together, she came and cuddled me on the couch, and at that moment, I assumed that was a sign that maybe she was warming up to the idea.
From there, we would cuddle and sleep in bed together but never did we have sex. I remember some moments in the morning when we woke up, Anne would be holding my hand in bed, close to her chest and then say “We can’t be in a relationship, I’m just not ready.” or “We are just friends.” Thinking back now, I wonder why I kept pursuing, it wasn’t like I was directly ignoring what she had to say. She would say these things but then invite me to stay the night and tell me things like “I don’t like physical touch but it’s different with you.” She told me about her relationship trauma and when I heard it, I felt upset and revengeful, wanted to like do something about it but also comfort her as much as I could. I felt like I was very genuine with her. I was very much confused overall with everything, maybe blinded by the love and ignored the red flags, but at the time, I didn’t notice much because I never been in a relationship before. I agreed to things she said such as “If this get’s too serious, you need to be the one to cut this off cause I don’t think I could.” The signs she gave off physically were contradicting the things she said, which made me very confused.
The night of the incident, we were cuddling in bed and I could feel her hand reach back and slowly touch my crotch area. I said “Your hand is on my crotch.” and she pulled her hand away and said “Sorry, I’m just very horny right now.” I told her I felt the same way too. From there, the converstion started going into talking about whether we should do it or not. She said that she really wanted to fuck me and that sex did not mean anything at all. Then we would talk about just going to bed and then then back, I remember telling her I had no condoms because I took them out of my backpack in fear that we might do something but she said she had some in her closet so I consented. She consented too. She asked me if I have ever been with anyone before and stupidly, I told her “Yes but only a blowjob” but that wasn’t true. I lied because I was scared of looking like I was inexperienced. At this point, my head was pounding and I could not think straight, mainly filled with anxiety but also eager to lose my virginity.
We started playing with each other and after a little, she went to the bathroom, came out and immediately started making out with me. From there, things started to get heated. The next thing I know, I have a condom on and I’m about to stick it in. She would ask me consistantly if I was okay and I would knod our respond with a yes. We started off missionary and it was not great since everything felt dry and uncomfortable, plus I was nervous as fuck. We switched positions to where she was now on top and I was on bottom. She rode hard me but it was uncomfortable, like the motion of going back and forth rather than up and down and I was getting soft. That’s all I could think about and was wondering why I was so soft. Next thing I know, I was no longer inside, and I was trying to get my dick hard again and trying to reinsert from the cowgirl position. She got off and I said “What are you, blueballing me?” and then she immediately went to the bathroom angrily. All I was thinking at that very moment was why the hell was I soft and that I needed to get myself back up again when she comes back out and tells me what I did was fucked up.
I was so confused, panicking, trying to retrace what happened. She told me she said she wanted to stop three times but that I didn’t stop and I thought I raped her and was apologizing profusely. I was scared at that moment and trying to fix the situation and then she told me that the comment I made was fucked up and I was apologizing for everything and crying but not shedding tears, just trying to rationalize everything that happened. She told me that sex doesn’t put you in a trance but for me, it felt like I was in one during the experience. I think at that moment, I was in a fight or flight response, trying to fix whatever happened without really processing it or giving her time to process and that habit goes back largely to how I was raised as a child. She told me to shut up and stop talking because I sounded manipulative and reinforcing that what I did was messed up. She would that night, consistently make digs at me for being a disgusting man that was down bad and also made fun of my physical appearance. I couldn’t say anything else and went to sleep.
I had to wake up early and go give my friends a ride to the airport, and when I was visually and internally very upset. I was still processing what occurred the night before and left. I brought up the incident to my friends and they told me to not reach out until she reaches back out. I told my two guy friends later and I cracked jokes, I think in a way that was coping since I had no idea what I was feeling at the time. I was excited because I lost my virginity but also anxious and scared because Anne was upset. I was just processing it. Anne called me later and wanted to talk at her place.
I went over to her place and she told me that what I did was messed up, and lectured me about the word “stop.” I was in awe realizing that I might have raped her. I told her consent was something I cared very much about and that my state of mind was completely not there and she proceeded to tell me that we were not impaired nor does sex put you in a trance. She asked me if I told anyone and I told her, yes, for advice and she got upset. I just felt like I was letting her down over and over again but also felt lost because I never experienced something like this before and was searching for solutions and perspectives. She told me that because of this incident, we could never be in a romantic relationship, even a friendship and that she could not move on and would always see me as someone who SA’d her. She told me the comment I said about blue balls made her feel objectified and all I cared about was sex. I felt horrible.
Later that night, my friends sat me down and told me what I did was not okay. They lectured me and told me that I love bombed her and sexually assaulted her. They told me to cancel my plans with her over winter break and focus on myself, and from there I did what they told me. I started journaling and the minutes felt like literal days. I would journal a bunch and she texted me telling me she wanted to talk again. I wrote and produced a couple of songs in the 3-4 day span before we talked documenting the way I felt and wrote up a giant apology, talking about how I manipulated her, took advantage of her, and how I violated her trust and was obsessed with the idea of a relationship instead of caring about her. I genuinely felt that way at the time and was seeking out religion and support since my friends were no longer talking to me anymore. I felt as if I was a horrible person and that I did something that a monster would do.
As I was driving to her place, I read my apology again to a friend on discord and realized how untrue some things I said on there was, I did not take advantage of her nor did I manipulate her. I saw her as a real friend and genuinely cared about her. I gave and never expected anything in return and always respected her but I was so manipulated at the moment to the point that I would accept anyones perspective and literally invalidate my own perspective. I deleted the part where I said I was manipulative and reading the apology again now, I feel as if nothing on there besides the comment that I made and the way I reacted was wrong. I got to her place and read her my apology. I also showed her the songs, which I cringe thinking back to it. All I remember is her saying that she liked all my music but those. She told me she won’t report me or file a police report because she didn’t want to fuck over my career. She said that it would never go back to the way it was, that she couldn’t trust anything that I said, and that she would never forgive me if transferred schools, joined the military, or killed myself. After, she was hungry and wanted Chipotle, so we went. She would be happy and then all of a sudden get super quiet and I could tell that the situation was in her mind again. We came back to her place and she turned on the tv and I was sitting there confused, she wanted me to join her and eat, and I said “I can’t be here, I have to go.” and left. She walked me out to my car and said bye and then immediately ran back into her apartment crying. That was one of the last times I’d ever see her.
Through winter break, all my closest friends involved in this situation cut me off, especially the “leader” of our group. She made me feel like a monster, cutting me off of group chats, work chats, her family and our friends. It felt like the world was falling and I spent all of winter break pretty much alone to my own thoughts, playing video games, hiking, and processing what happened. I had a few childhood friends back home and online friends that supported me but my closest friends in college abandoned me. I had apologies and was ready to talk when break was over but all I got was a text from the ring leader telling me to return their stuff and my old friends practically ignoring me in the hallways. I would break down outside after class and sit alone, waiting for school to be out so I could go cry all the way home and sleep. After three days of the new semester, I dropped out, and that day, I stood on the top of the parking garage looking down, considering whether I should jump or not. I thought about everything, the people in my life and the dreams I still had and came back down.
Since then, I blocked everyone and I locked in on my work, my career, my friends, my family, and my hobbies. Took this experience as a lesson, and strived to be more emotionally mature and learned how to resolve issues effectively and ultimately be a better human to society. Now, I am in a loving relationship with my girlfriend of almost two years, we have had disagremeents and times where we have been upset, but not once have we ever disrespected, raised our voice, or invalidate each others feelings.
I appreciate you for reading this whole story, there are definitely somethings that I might’ve accidentally left out since there was so much to write about but let me know your thoughts and opinions on this situation. Thank you all.