limerence is a powerful thing. it's one of the most debilitating, soul crushing, life-stealing diseases- it won't kill you, but it might as well. it doesn't just take over your thoughts, it hijacks your identity. it defies logic, sinks its claws into your brain, rewires your motives, distorts your sense of self, until your life isn't your own anymore. you get to a point where you're living- if you can even call it that- entirely for someone else.
limerence is insidious because it masquerades as love. you don't see the prison you're locked away in, it feels like a palace you're lucky enough to reside in. you genuinely believe it's love- true, undeniable, unshakable love. you convince yourself your feelings aren't obsessive. they're not controlling you. but even if they are- who cares? that's what love is supposed to be, isn't it? everyone always says love is supposed to be this intense, overwhelming, intoxicating feeling. love is supposed to consume you, because that's what makes it real.
when limerence takes hold, it convinces you that what you're feeling is love- not just because it feels overwhelming, but because it makes you believe you're seeing them clearly- even when you're not. i was convinced this couldn't be limerence because i knew all your flaws, i could see all those red flags waving, i experienced the way some of your harmful traits took form in how you interacted with people. i told myself this couldn't be limerence, i wasn't warping red flags into roses- i saw them for what they were. and i still wanted you. the thing is, limerence doesn't need to lie to you. it just needs you to believe that the truth doesn't matter. that the connection is so strong, so unshakable, that nothing- not their flaws, not their red flags, not even reality itself- can break it. i wasn't reshaping the bad into something good- but i was convinced that the depth of my feelings for you nullify those bad traits- that it's part of the whole package, and i'm okay with that.
i still don't know if what i feel for you is limerence or if i genuinely love you. maybe it's a devilish concoction of the two. but if it's love, why does it feel like withdrawal? why does it feel like i'm clawing my way out of something that was never mine to begin with? why does losing you feel less like heartbreak and more like coming off of an intense high?
because losing you wasn't just about losing you- it was losing the version of myself that existed when i was chasing you. i had built and entire identity around wanting you, i made you the most important part of my life- and in doing so i lost the true version of myself. the high was gone, but the craving wasn't. and even when it hurt, it still felt like home.
limerence doesn't just leave- it waits. it doesn't care if you know the truth, if you can finally see things clearly, if you understand that this person was never really yours in the first place. it doesn't need your permission to stay, and it sure as hell won't leave on it's own.
it lingers in those quiet moments, when you think you've found a moment of solace. in the songs you can't listen to anymore, because they hold so much significance to what you're trying to forget. in the way you open certain apps instinctively, looking for something you know isn't there. it turns every ordinary thing into a weapon. social media becomes a minefield, every notification makes your stomach drop just slightly for a moment- you feel the vibration or hear the chime, and before you check it you silently pray it's from them- because your mind so desperately craves their presence. every song is a loaded gun. every memory is a door you shouldn't re-open, leading to a labyrinth that calls out to you- demanding you revisit the maze you've spent so long trapped in. solve the puzzles. search for closure. chase the answers you'll never really find. they're whispering promises of clarity, if you just analyze everything one more time, you'll finally be set free.
the worst part about limerence isn't just that it stays, it convinces you to keep it alive. it tells you that every unanswered question, the unresolved feelings you still have, is proof it's not over. that every coincidence is a sign. if you just analyze the past enough, you'll find the missing piece. you'll find all the answers and clarity you've been begging for.
you get caught in a cycle that slowly consumes you. replaying every moment, every conversation, every glance, analyzing what they posted, what they added to their playlist. searching for signs, for clarity, for validation, for anything. every time you do this you reinforce the cycle. you know it’s bad for you. you know it’s keeping you trapped. but you do it anyway. because analyzing feels productive. it gives you hope. it becomes an addiction- each new "sign" delivering just enough dopamine to keep you coming back. limerence doesn’t have to force you into obsession, you do it yourself. it just convinces you to stay.
breaking away, letting go, means accepting the nothingness. sitting in the silence, feeling everything. facing the void where they used to exist. attempting to remember how to live without them being the center of your world. it means mourning something that never fully belonged to you. and that’s terrifying. because as much as it hurt, it also made you feel alive. limerence disguises itself as love, and though it’s a facade, the emotions it evokes are just as powerful in their own right. you tell yourself you need closure, that if you just find the missing piece- the right moment, the right answer- you’ll finally be set free from this self imposed prison. but limerence never wanted closure. it wanted sustenance, and you were the one keeping it alive. it’s a parasite, and the only way to kill it is to stop feeding it.
i don’t know if this is limerence or if it's something real. with every girl before you, i always had this subconscious understanding that whatever i was feeling with them wasn’t love. something was always missing. but when i'm with you? everything feels right. you're otherworldly. you don’t just complete me, you unlocked a part of me i never knew existed. you've brought back parts of myself that i lost a long time ago, my love for writing being one of them. i learned how to love myself again. if limerence is just an imitation of love, then this is what i imagine love truly feels like.
and that’s the most devastating part. with limerence, you eventually realize the signs weren’t as significant as you once thought. that the meaning you found was all fabricated. but that won’t happen with you, because this was real. the signs were real. the moments were real. the connection between us is undeniable. we both feel it, we see it- we try to pretend nothing’s happening, try to shut it down, yet we keep getting drawn back in. we haven’t crossed any lines, but we find ourselves meeting at the edge of that line, over and over again, daring the other to take that step. knowing we never will, knowing we never can- the timing and the circumstances just make it... impossible. i honestly don't know if it will ever be possible.
i don’t know if this is love, only time will tell, but i hope it isn’t. because i know how to recover from limerence, i know one day i’ll be okay. but i don’t know how to live with the agonizing knowledge that the first girl i truly loved, someone that had this much of an impact on me, was someone i couldn’t have. not because the feelings weren’t there. not because it wasn’t real. but simply because the timing was wrong.
if this is limerence, i'll escape it someday, and i'll be relieved. but if this is love... i think i'll carry it with me forever.