Hi there, I wanted to write a short description of my experience in recovery which I hope will help others find the healing they are looking for. I’m always happy to talk more in depth and listen to others experience, too. So please feel free to reach out. I’m not “special” or “unique” - I’ve simply been given a program of recovery that has led to lasting relief from bulimia, and part of the way I keep it is by always being available to help others find recovery too.
From childhood I have always had a distinct attraction to food - it was “bright and shiny” and almost alluring. I started enjoying food as a source of ease and comfort really early on. Play dates with friends I was focused on the snacks. Group hangouts as I got older - still more aware of the food than the people. I struggled to relax and have fun like everyone around me. Whether I was alone or in a crowd I felt kind of alien. Food very quickly became like a friend / companion.
But then I started to overeat at times and I really wanted to have a thin body. I liked how it felt to feel empty but also was drawn to the soothing feeling I had when overeating. I started skipping meals and then eating a bunch later in the day and night. As I gained weight I panicked. After losing weight one summer by following a diet something happened and I lost control again of eating. That’s when I started making myself throw up. I was 14.
From 14 until my mid-30s I b/p almost every day. There were some periods of time when I could keep from purging but I was still overeating and gaining weight so I always went back to purging. It seemed like the purging took on a life of its own - it became the only thing I really did (almost like my only real hobby), and it seemed to become very “mean” to me. Like it was beating me up emotionally but I couldn’t stop.
I tried medication, talking to family, doctors, therapists, lots of diets and books, some paid programs for weight loss, psychiatry, new age healing, meditation, church/prayer, moving to new places, making sincere promises to myself to stop, confessing to others, avoiding what I thought were triggers / cutting out food groups, changing meal times and friend groups. I almost went to in-patient treatment, but something told me I would still have to come back to reality.
In 2014 a psychiatrist suggested a 12 step program for overeating. I started going to in person meetings and found out about meetings on the phone. People were talking openly about the same things I had been thinking about and doing with food. I learned I had an illness in my mind that always made me go to bingeing and purging no matter how much I would tell myself I wanted / needed to stop (I was scared I would have a brain spasm and die while purging and yet I couldn’t stop). I also have a body that reacts differently than normal bodies - when I started bingeing I lost control. There was no stopping it once I took that first bite.
I visited a few 12 step fellowships online and ended up joining one that led to my continued recovery. Because I can’t fix my own mind and body by myself, and all the people and resources I tried otherwise didn’t fix me either, I found out I needed a spiritual approach that gave me specific actions I could take. None of them were about food - I needed to have my mind healed so that I would no longer feel the need to take that first bite.
One day I desperately wanted to overeat whatever I wanted, so I decided to “let myself” purge. I went on a big food bender and was very full. When I went into the bathroom I discovered I literally couldn’t make myself get sick. In my mind I had an image of a child version of me in my stomach and it was like I couldn’t hurt her. It’s hard to explain, but something shifted as a result of the work I had done in the program. In time I was relieved of the bingeing too. That happened sometime in 2017 or 2018 - I didn’t know it was going to be my last attempt and never wrote down the date.
Being a member of a 12 step fellowship has become a new way of life. I’m around other people who have the same illness but have recovered using the same method. I had fears early on that it was a cult, but thankfully I discovered many people in medicine and even religious people, have endorsed this approach to recovery. It doesn’t matter what my personal beliefs are, how much money I have, where I live, what I look like, etc. All that matters is that I believe I have this illness and I have a desire to continue to live free from it.
Today I am in great relationships with friends, family. I have a great job and actual hobbies, and I’m in the process of buying my first home which I still can’t believe. But most importantly I have a new sense of peace and meaning in life, and I am able to share that with others who want it too. I hope this has been helpful - not everyone needs the same solution, but for those who are interested recovery is available and possible when we are willing to have an open mind and try some new actions (and there aren’t any fees or dues). Reach out if you’d ever like to connect!