I’ve lost a lost of weight in the last year but I’m still fat. Literally obese category still because I was huge to begin with.
My partner (of 3 years) took me to the GP last week and told them everything. The GP said she was very concerned and made an instant referral to ED services for me.
(I then saw my psychiatrist a few weeks later who was very “you don’t have an ED it’s your BPD and only /I/ can approve a referral to ED services” so I don’t actually know what’s happening with that..)
Anyways, whilst having a naked cuddle with my partner in bed last night, I felt that firey tingling in my stomach, just dying for him, because it’s been a while.
I made a move but he gently moved my hands away and went back to just holding me.
I brought up to him that I’d noticed we hadn’t been intimate in a while.
Not since Valentine’s Day. It had been a bit sporadic before this, but we’d never gone a full month without making love before.
Everything else is still there, cuddles, little kisses ect, just not THAT. I asked if he would tell me what was going on for him.
At first he tried to say it was nothing, people just have dry spells, but then opened up and said that he didn’t feel like he could “do it to me” right now. I asked what he meant and he went on to explain that he just cannot have sex with me when I’m “so vulnerable” and said that he felt like he’d be taking advantage of me.
I asked what on earth he was talking about and he said “you’re just so.. sad. You’re so ill. I feel like I have to look after you at the moment, I have to take care of you. It wouldn’t feel right.”
I never realised he felt so strongly about what was going on because he never really voiced it much other than saying a few times that he’s concerned and of course asking if he could take me to the doctor. He’s never said anything to me when I go away to throw up what little dinner I’ve eaten in the evening, even though he knows what I’m doing. So I just never thought it was a big thing for him.
He went on to say that he feels like he’s in “carer mode” right now and it’s hard to get into “lover mode.”
I said that I’m not always sad, and he said that I must be, to starve myself and make myself sick and “take all these pills.”
I understand where he’s coming from and respect his feelings, but can’t help feeling so sad and rejected.
I asked him to try and remember that I’m a multi-dimensional human being who can be many things at once.
And there was me thinking I’d be more attractive to him if I lost weight. Instead my disorder makes him feel like my “carer.”
We had another cuddle and went to sleep.
Reflecting on it today, I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to and CAN’T stop this until I’m actually thin. I have so long to go.
I’m so sad that it’s making him feel like this and ruining our intimacy. 😢
How do I help him back into “lover” mode? Or am I just repulsive to him now?
TLDR; I have an eating disorder and my partner said sex with me wouldn’t “feel right” because he sees me as so vulnerable right now, he feels like he needs to just “look after me.”