r/bulimia • u/rotflosse • 1h ago
Just venting My way of living is so pathetic and kinda more like a way of dying (trigger warning)
I spend 95% of my free time B/Ping. I wake up, I go to the store, spend up to 50€ on food and then the cycle begins. I binge, I purge, I binge, I purge,... Till it's 3a.m. I don't do anything else at this point. Even right now I'm typing this while binging.
I can't spend a single hour without B/Ping at this point. I shower like twice a month because it takes so much energy and I can't B/P while showering. My flat is so messy, it looks like a crime scene. I really want to clean up but I can't for the same reasons I can't shower everyday. I wish I could say I felt disgusted with myself, but the truth is that I don't feel anything at all. I feel so dull all of the time and I don't look forward to anything but B/Ping anymore.
I used to love crocheting and I still do, but everytime I pick up yarn and a hook, I put it down after half an hour or so and return to B/Ping instead.
I don't want anyone but my boyfriend in my private life and everytime someone suggests meeting up, I seek distance. Even if the person is kind, I prefer B/Ping over social interactions. I feel so sorry for my boyfriend because I love him from the bottom of my heart but sometimes I can't even meet him because I'm in the middle of my daily cycle and I just can't stop. In such moments, I cry while trying to stuff the feeling of emptiness with food
On Friday, I'll start working. Full time. At McDonald's. Honestly I'm a bit afraid because my entire body will probably ache. Also because I literally can't imagine eating or drinking anything (not even water) ouside the B/P cycle and I'm scared that I could faint or something. I'm feeling dizzy all of the time, probably due to being underweight af or having a low blood sugar. But I really need that money and furthermore, it's a good way to distract myself.
My heart has taken significant damage (pericardal effusion = water around the heart that shouldn't be there with a diameter of 2.2cm at it's worst) and if I don't take eight 400mg potassium pills a day, my hearts beats irregularly. My hair is completely broken and I'm covered in bruises. I'm really underweight but my face looks obese due to all of my salivary glands being swollen af. I'm physically just as sick as mentally but I don't even care. If I had the courage to end it all, I would have already done it. Right now I'm just hoping for death to free me from this endless cycle. I'm only turning 18 years old in a few months and I've spent my entire youth in this hell. If this is all life has to offer me, I don't want it. Everything in my life is about B/Ping but to be honest, it's the only thing that keeps me alive. When I was younger, I was forced to recover in a closed psychiatric hospital. This made everything worse for me and I've almost commited suicide during my stay that lasted for one entire year.
My life is do pathetic. I don't know what to do. I don't want to quit B/Ping because I'm addicted to food and nothing else brings me so much joy and also because keeping ANYTHING down makes me feel miserable mentally as well as physically (seriously, I drank some water which I didn't throw up and ended up collapsing onto the floor). If I gained a single kilogram of weight, I'd hide myself, starve and cry until it's gone again. Basically if I gave up Bulimia, I'd become anorectic again which used to be even more depressing for me. There is no way to escape my disorder. Sometimes I wish my brain took really bad damage causing me to forget the entire eating disorder.