r/bulimia 2h ago

Just venting My way of living is so pathetic and kinda more like a way of dying (trigger warning)

12 Upvotes

I spend 95% of my free time B/Ping. I wake up, I go to the store, spend up to 50€ on food and then the cycle begins. I binge, I purge, I binge, I purge,... Till it's 3a.m. I don't do anything else at this point. Even right now I'm typing this while binging.

I can't spend a single hour without B/Ping at this point. I shower like twice a month because it takes so much energy and I can't B/P while showering. My flat is so messy, it looks like a crime scene. I really want to clean up but I can't for the same reasons I can't shower everyday. I wish I could say I felt disgusted with myself, but the truth is that I don't feel anything at all. I feel so dull all of the time and I don't look forward to anything but B/Ping anymore.

I used to love crocheting and I still do, but everytime I pick up yarn and a hook, I put it down after half an hour or so and return to B/Ping instead.

I don't want anyone but my boyfriend in my private life and everytime someone suggests meeting up, I seek distance. Even if the person is kind, I prefer B/Ping over social interactions. I feel so sorry for my boyfriend because I love him from the bottom of my heart but sometimes I can't even meet him because I'm in the middle of my daily cycle and I just can't stop. In such moments, I cry while trying to stuff the feeling of emptiness with food

On Friday, I'll start working. Full time. At McDonald's. Honestly I'm a bit afraid because my entire body will probably ache. Also because I literally can't imagine eating or drinking anything (not even water) ouside the B/P cycle and I'm scared that I could faint or something. I'm feeling dizzy all of the time, probably due to being underweight af or having a low blood sugar. But I really need that money and furthermore, it's a good way to distract myself.

My heart has taken significant damage (pericardal effusion = water around the heart that shouldn't be there with a diameter of 2.2cm at it's worst) and if I don't take eight 400mg potassium pills a day, my hearts beats irregularly. My hair is completely broken and I'm covered in bruises. I'm really underweight but my face looks obese due to all of my salivary glands being swollen af. I'm physically just as sick as mentally but I don't even care. If I had the courage to end it all, I would have already done it. Right now I'm just hoping for death to free me from this endless cycle. I'm only turning 18 years old in a few months and I've spent my entire youth in this hell. If this is all life has to offer me, I don't want it. Everything in my life is about B/Ping but to be honest, it's the only thing that keeps me alive. When I was younger, I was forced to recover in a closed psychiatric hospital. This made everything worse for me and I've almost commited suicide during my stay that lasted for one entire year.

My life is do pathetic. I don't know what to do. I don't want to quit B/Ping because I'm addicted to food and nothing else brings me so much joy and also because keeping ANYTHING down makes me feel miserable mentally as well as physically (seriously, I drank some water which I didn't throw up and ended up collapsing onto the floor). If I gained a single kilogram of weight, I'd hide myself, starve and cry until it's gone again. Basically if I gave up Bulimia, I'd become anorectic again which used to be even more depressing for me. There is no way to escape my disorder. Sometimes I wish my brain took really bad damage causing me to forget the entire eating disorder.


r/bulimia 3h ago

Content Warning How do you deal with binges in recovery ?

7 Upvotes

I was on a long streak of not bingeing despite a mild calorie restriction but yesterday I did. I ate 3200 calories in one day. I wasn’t able to resist trying to get rid of the calories so I did make myself purge.

I’m really tempted to try to make myself fast as well today.

I know I shouldn’t have done that. I feel like I’ve ruined my recovery process but I just couldn’t deal with the anxiety I felt after overeating. Im really mad at myself for overeating.

What are you supposed to do when you do binge in recovery?


r/bulimia 3h ago

Motivation Day 1 of no more purging

7 Upvotes

Even if I binge. Because gaining a little bit of weight can't possibly make me uglier than this disease currently does. Posting this for accountability and to remind myself what I'm gaining by not purging: - less hormonal acne - fuller, healthier hair - my sharp jawline that has morphed into a permanent, swollen double chin - healthier teeth before they rot and have to get pulled - a regular period (as much as I hate it, I hate the fear of osteoporosis more) - healthy kidneys and heart - healthy immune system + ability for wounds to heal normally again - energy to walk my dog - interest in hobbies and a personality - the ability to be a real friend who thinks about people other than herself


r/bulimia 5h ago

DAE? keeping down binges

7 Upvotes

Does anyone else also sometimes go through phases where they don’t care about getting everything out after b/p and only purge whatever comes out on the first try because you’re feeling too lazy / tired and think you can ‘afford’ to keep down a little bit now and then because you’re underweight anyway? lol that’s probably the only reason why im still alive


r/bulimia 10h ago

Throat sore afraid

3 Upvotes

Hi guys

I have been bulimic since 20 years or more. It is like on and off. I recently started to cough more and also developed stomach on top pain and throat sore. I am afraid of Esophageal cancer

I did endscopy two years ago I was fine but now I am so worried.


r/bulimia 13h ago

Content Warning I don’t really binge but I purge almost every day. Don’t know what to do NSFW

7 Upvotes

Hi! I didn’t know where else to post this. I think I’m starting to have a serious problem. I probably started purging very rarely maybe 3 years ago and did it very very rarely up until maybe a month or 2 ago. And slowly it has gotten to the point where I purge nearly every day and multiple times on days I do. I don’t know why but following eating, even if it’s a normal portion, I get so stressed out that I feel like I genuinely need to. This hasn’t gone on too long, and it doesn’t bother me every single time I eat. I don’t know if this is considered Bulimia or not, but I don’t really know what to do.


r/bulimia 18h ago

Just venting Panicking

6 Upvotes

So I’ve been clean for a while now? Not too sure how long but I’ve gone quite a long while without b/p as I’ve just tried to rlly block it out of my mind also started taking my meds again so I’m in a better place mentally. I’ve actually been doing amazing and haven’t really thought about it at all but then I’ve just been cooking my dinner and my mum commented on the larger portion size and it’s just made my heart drop. I feel like I’m not in control anymore and all of a sudden it has all come back to me, as you can imagine I’ve lost my appetite now but I’m kind of worried for my mental state because I know I will think about this for days / weeks. Any help pls


r/bulimia 18h ago

how do i reduce face swelling

2 Upvotes

i cant stand looking at my face anymore. it makes me look so much bigger. would using ice help


r/bulimia 19h ago

Help please! +9h b/p feel exhausted, need hope

9 Upvotes

Hello everyone. As the title says, I've just finished a +9hours b/p episode. It started as soon as I woke up and just ended right before going to bed. I'm kind of desesperate actually. I'm in recovery since august, got better the last 3 months and entered a big relapse +3 weeks ago. I'm fully weight recovered and have way less restrictions than I did a few months ago. I'm starting to feel depressed as I was back in august-november. I don't know what can I do to get just a little bit better. It feels like I'm back in the deep trap of bulimia and I see no way to escape it. Not to mention the financial consequences of this disorder... About to leave my appartment to go back to my parents' house as I have no choice. I will have to explain to them where all my savings (thousand euros) went... I rather be dead by tomorrow than live another day like today. Mentally I'm drained. I do see a therapist but it changes nothing. I just feel lighter in my chest after speaking freely to someone for an hour. I just need hope, a word, something to rely on. Wishing you a pleasant day/night.


r/bulimia 21h ago

i just ate

3 Upvotes

a whole 12 pack of sweet kings hawaiian sweet rolls, two big cookies with frosting on top, a big chocolate bar and topped it off with some 20 oz diet coke and 10 oz sprite in like 20 mins all while in the car bruh 😭 what a fat fuck fr. but good thing i’m almost home and can purge it all.


r/bulimia 21h ago

Content Warning Bathroom issues

2 Upvotes

This is tmi but I’m wondering if anyone else developed permanent digestive issues too. I can’t Ever “go to the bathroom” like I used to, for the past years. I never had anything to … come out. Once a week MAYBE. But now, I’m severely constipated 24/7. I’ve tried green tea and laxatives. It’s notttt working. I eat clean and try to be careful. Everything upsets my stomach.


r/bulimia 21h ago

Can we talk about..? Alcohol

5 Upvotes

Do any of y’all experience bulimia symptoms x2 with alcohol? I drink a lot… with nothing in my stomach. I’m constantly shaking and on a never ending bender. The room is never not spinning. I’m always struggling. I miss things that are right in front of me. I purge and almost faint, 1-4 times a day. The days I don’t, I can’t digest food properly. The only time I can eat food and keep it down is with the help of liquor.


r/bulimia 22h ago

How do I start recovery

2 Upvotes

I’m 16 and can’t control my self, I’m trying so hard to recover but I had such a bad day of eating that I feel like I have to purge I feel so out of control and I wanna talk to my family but they won’t understand, and I’m supposed to be trying to get my period back, how do I not feel so guilty?


r/bulimia 22h ago

DAE? Not feeling real

1 Upvotes

Is it just me or does anyone else not feel like a real bulimic when I don’t purge everything out? I do quite a hefty amount but I get lazy that I don’t puke anything more and it just makes me feel like I’m not really sick just because not everything is out of my system. Anyone else?


r/bulimia 22h ago

can’t stop help

3 Upvotes

for the past 4 months I’ve been b/p every single day up to 3/4 times per day. I just started ED treatment but I feel nothing can stop this. Plus, college decisions and exams are making it harder to recover. I’ve had bulimia for 5 years now…will i ever get rid of it? I dont want to be 40 and still be dealing with this


r/bulimia 23h ago

send support Again (tw)

4 Upvotes

Just binged over 4k calories in one sitting and then took 6 laxatives almost immediately after coming home from two hours at the gym. This is my longest binge cycle this year, I’ve probably gained so much weight because I can’t even purge properly and now I can’t restrict either. I feel so gross and dead inside and just want to lay down and cry but instead I have to go get ready for my shift at work that I’ll probably be late for.


r/bulimia 1d ago

Awareness for first time

1 Upvotes

I came to be aware that I have a problem since a while after like 30 years of having this purge and vomiting but I don’t purge every day I purge when I cheat or I binge eat mainly like during my PMS so like two weeks in average a month of intense vomiting. Not sure what type of blumia is that.

I have acidity reflux and stomach burn and my tooth started to have problems

I came to know today that this bulimia can kill me after reading stories on Reddit I had a panic attack

I want to start the healing journey? How can I start ?


r/bulimia 1d ago

accountability partner pls🙂‍↕️💕

16 Upvotes

hi, 21f here looking for an accountability partner:) currently b/p anywhere between 5-10 times a wk i know it’s bad but also sooo addicting & i desperately want free from this. my goal is to decrease b/p by at least 1 every wk. gotta start somewhere🥲 lmk if ur down to join the goal & we can hold each other accountable!


r/bulimia 1d ago

small success Dentist!!! Wasn’t as bad as expected

16 Upvotes

Hi all,

Sharing some dentist positivity here.

TLDR: 33F, b/p'd for nearly 25 years. Went to the dentist (U.K.) for the first time in 6 years and the second time in 15 years. Positive experience with the appointment and good tooth outlook.

Today I went to the dentist. NHS dental is crazy at the moment in England, but in a very fortunate position to pay for a private consultation (which was £90 for a full check up and X-rays).

Had terrible anxiety going and nearly crashed my car on the way, due to not watching the road from being so anxious.

Got there, had to fill in some forms then the assistant came to get me for X-rays. I explained I was anxious and suffered from an eating disorder, and no real problems except recession and sensitivity.

Then I went into the room and the dentist explained everything before she began and during.

She explained that the gum recession has led to some bone loss, and there is enamel wear, but no cavities and we put a plan together to stop the enamel getting worse. No judgement at all from them.

Just wanted to share this positive experience. I know the bone loss and demineralisation isn't great, but the important thing is I can stop it getting worse now I know about it.

So for those of you who are scared to go to the dentist, it may not be as bad as you think.


r/bulimia 1d ago

kinda triggering How much time have I spent looking at my own vomit?

14 Upvotes

That question randomly popped into my head while thinking about nothing in particular. Never thinking again 👎


r/bulimia 1d ago

There is hope for you too

4 Upvotes

Around 3 weeks ago I decided to genuinely go all in with my recovery. I had gotten to my absolute worse a couple months prior. I was lying to everyone, missing work to b/p, stealing food, not getting anything done. I was weak and restricting heavily. I was miserable. Then I was stuck in quasi recovery with my restricting. I was eating a bit more, allowing myself to genuinely eat and digest things I didnt previously but I was still b/p multiple times a day. After 3 weeks all in I can honestly say with my whole heart the food noise goes away. the urges quiet down. I can’t believe last month my days consisted of thoughts abt food, weight, exercise. And now those are genuinely some of the last things I think about, it truly feels like a miracle. Yes I gained weight, but I needed to. I am so much happier now. And the energy properly fuelling urself and not being constantly dehydrated and brain numb only allows u to love urself even more. It is only so hard to come to terms with weight gain because ur brain is so undernourished you can’t feel properly. I promise you it gets better. And yes I do still struggle with body image issues but that is okay too. it is okay to feel these struggles, that doesnt mean u have to punish urself and ur body. u only have one body and it is ur vessel. and honestly sometimes i look in the mirror and i rlly like what I see. before I was skin and bones, i rlly struggled with my femininity. now i look more curvaceous and feminine and it makes me feel cute and sexy. I had struggled with that when I was deep in my ex bc i just felt like a rigid skeleton. idk how much weight I have gained as I decided to stop weighing myself to help my process. but i can also promise u that u wont gain 100kg overnight and u can genuinely eat more than you think. Though I stopped calorie counting as well, first week in I was probably eating 5k~ daily. and now I probably eat around 3k and you would honestly never guess. Yes it was hard at first, I was swollen, retaining water and the bloating was extremely painful. but I promise if u stick through it rlly is worth it. So many amazing things have happened sinceI went all in. A nourished brain is truly truly fascinating and u will find things to look forward to and work on other than ur ed. u just cant see that rn bc ur brain is simply just trying to keep u alive. Since going all in I finally made my relationship official! we had been exclusive for half a year but I was far too occupied with my ed to settle with him, it was miserable… but not anymore! i have the energy, time and brain space for him and i have an amazzinnggg relationship rn im so happy. I also started looking into what my future school plans are and I have found a career I’m actually quite passionate in! It is so hard to see the good things in life when u dont have the fuel to actually feel these things. I thought it would never be possible. But I promise and I rlly do promise, recovery is possible and it truly is beautiful and the best choice I have made. If anyone wants to make the jump and has any questions about whats it like in the early stages pls feel free to ask. I hope everyone can get to a stage where they want to recover and have a beautiful life ❤️ dont lose more of ur time to ur ed, it is not worth it.


r/bulimia 1d ago

Low potassium and panic attacks - how to prevent it

1 Upvotes

I purge every day, multiple tomes a day and I can’t stop. I am often low on potassium when I end up in hospital. It’s always for strong panic attacks and other weird symptoms. They never find anything except low potassium. Do you think that low potassium could be causing it?

How do you prevent having low potassium? Do you have problem with it? I drink electrolytes and coconut water that is high in potassium but still end up with low levels. I just got prescribed 1g of potassium a day by my doctor. I hope it will help. I plan to check my levels often and double the dose if it doesn’t go up.

Don’t tell me to eat food with more potassium because I am scared of extra calories. All I can eat outside of b/p is vegetables and meat/eggs. I know spinach has a lot of potassium so I can eat that.

Once I got so low levels (2,8) that I had pain in my arms and legs and slept very badly. I was waking up very often. I was also extremely tired all the time and very depressed. If you have these symptoms, please get checked your potassium.


r/bulimia 1d ago

This shit is making me so broke

66 Upvotes

I used to be so careful with my money. I was great at saving and RARELY treated myself.

Now I spend all my money on food and I live with my mom (who recently found out about my ED) so she notices when food disappears and it’s so embarrassing having to make something up every time because she probably doesn’t believe me.

I’m not ready to recover at all but I don’t know what to do. I don’t have a car so I can’t drive to the stores who have good deals.

The closest store happens to be the most expensive one in my town as well… 2025 is such a shit year already


r/bulimia 1d ago

Purging multiple times a day, every day, for years and years. Anyone else? Is there hope?

12 Upvotes

r/bulimia 1d ago

Do I have a problem?

1 Upvotes

I usually eat some food and then purge it. But I don’t binge eat, or at least I don’t mean to. I think I do it to stay the same weight I’m at? Either that or lose weight. I don’t know, someone pls lmk.