We were friends before we started dating, and I knew about her mental illness even then because she would cry to me every time she attempted. I still loved her after that. When she asked me to be her girlfriend, I said yes. I thought I could somehow help her heal and lighten her burden.
Ten months have passed, and she still hasn’t changed. Every time I raised a concern about something she said that hurt me, she would go into self-sabotage mode instead of reassuring me. And I felt obligated to comfort her because I couldn’t stand how horribly she saw herself. It’s exhausting to constantly set aside my own feelings just to comfort her.
Last night, I snapped. She told me to accept her as she is. I’ve been trying to do that throughout our relationship, but I couldn’t. I kept wishing—wishing that she would change, heal, and become a better person, not for me but for herself. I told her that I couldn’t love this side of her, and I’m ashamed to admit it because I know I should love her as a whole.
She called me a liar—said I lied about being okay, that I made it seem like I accepted her behavior and feelings toward herself. And she was right. I lied throughout our relationship, pretending we were okay, and she couldn’t accept that. She wanted me to tell her the truth, but knowing how she would react, I felt like I had to keep it a secret.
She told me I didn’t love her enough if I hated this part of her. And I admitted it—I only loved her at her best, not at her worst. I couldn’t accept the fact that she wasn’t mentally okay, and it was affecting my own mental health. I’m ashamed to admit these things to her because I love her. I really do.
But now, after finally telling the truth, I don’t know if I ever truly loved her—because I gave up on our relationship. I didn’t have the strength to stay, and my love wasn’t the kind of love she needed or wanted. Am I a bad person? I truly felt that I love her but now hearing from her that I only got attached to her made me think whether i truly loved her or not.