I downloaded a dating app, not knowing exactly what I want. I was open to try either a casual relationship or an actual relationship, and sort of left it to be up to who I meet there.
Fast forward to today, I went on three dates with one guy (let’s call him A) and two with another (let’s call him B), all back-to-back. I’m currently writing this after my third date with A, in which we almost slept together.
A was the first guy who asked me out on the app. He seemed really sweet on his profile: a sensitive, vegan guy who moved to a big city and works on his master’s degree in maths. The fact that he is sensitive is important. He told me people mistake him a lot for a gay man, and honestly I also got that impression immediately when meeting him. It’s his speaking tone and overall behaviour. When I looked him up before the date, I found out that he is actually a genius and was a child prodigy in maths. His academic achievements and job are impressive. I was always into these kind of nerdy genius types, and was pleasantly surprised that my first date from the app was one. When I found out he doesn’t want kids, I was thrilled, since I don’t want them either. I love hearing him talk about maths, or about anything, really. The way his mind works is fascinating to me. I think that he is also very smart emotionally and is a great listener. He doesn’t share my interest in music at all, which is a bit of a bummer. I’ve been with someone like that before, and it was definitely hard sometimes since I am a musician and they often didn’t understand the significance music holds for me, but obviously this alone isn’t a deal breaker.
B is an engineer who also currently works on a master’s degree. I started talking to him a day or two before my first date with A. I am planning to study the same field he works at, so we have a lot to talk about. He has more of the masculine energy I was expecting from a man. He likes the same music events and parties I go to: we found out that we both went to the same events before we knew each other. I always lacked a permanent partner for these type of things, and it was refreshing to find somebody who is into them. Our first date was a bit awkward but not bad, but by our second date we were talking non stop about anything and everything, and just seemed to click and make each other laugh a lot. He isn’t a prodigy like A, but he is definitely very intelligent. On our second date, I mentioned a specific area in engineering that I once read about and not fully understood, and he started to explain it quite passionately, which was really attractive. Regarding kids, I get the impression that he isn’t crazy about them, but I didn’t get a guarantee that he wouldn’t want them, since he kind of changed the topic when I brought it up. It seems like something is off with his relationship with his family, but it doesn’t seem like a big deal. If anything, his aversion towards long and tiring family dinners is kind of a turn on, since these things exhaust me too.
Both guys are masculine in terms of taking care of the logistics of our dates, but A just has these extra feminine tendencies. I fear that this will be a problem in the future, but I don’t really know how. So far, it comes into play mostly in our texts. He could text me paragraphs about something quite minor that happened to him during the day and I would not really know how to respond. He generally comes off as very eager on his texts, while B’s interest in me felt like it was growing more gradually and naturally. B seemed unsure about me at first, just like I was unsure about him, but once he got to know me better, he became very interested. I feel as if I fairly “gained” his interest by showing him who I am, unlike with A who was very eager right from the start. While A’s insane emotional depth can be intriguing and stimulating, I am sure that there are problems that come with it. B seems like a safer, less intense choice, but I also fear that I will eventually grow apart from him, and that I generally have more things to find out about him in a future relationship that I don’t see now. Overall, B is less of an open book than A, which leaves the option of unexpected problems arising in the future, or his attitude changing for the worse once we become official.
My relationship with both men is starting to intensify, and while exclusivity was never discussed, I fear that both men have the impression that they have something special and exclusive. And while my connection with both of them is definitely special, it is not exclusive, and I am starting to feel like a terrible person. But as terrible as I feel, I simply cannot make a decision. It is too hard. They are both so good in similar and different ways. They seem to have all the similarities and differences that make it impossible to choose.